Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.18175262]

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[Anonymous No.18175269]

Reposting this as i didn't get any replies:

Hvem kan se livet i øjnene, når drømmen venter bag øjenlåget?
Hvem kan se øjenlåget i drømmens blændende virkelighed?
Hvem kan se ind i livets tomme øjenhuler uden at blinke?
Hvem kan se livet fra drømmen med et øje uden øjenlåg?
Hvem kan se at livet er drømmen og virkeligheden slet ikke er?

Bad translation:
Who can see life in the eyes when the dream is waiting behind the eyelid?
Who can see the eyelid in the blinding reality of the dream?
Who can see into the empty eye sockets of life without blinking?
Who can see life from dream with an eye without eyelids?
Who can see that life is dream and reality is not at all?

[Anonymous No.18175307]

>>18175269
I dont know shit about translations, but I need to review something here. The English portion is very good and has a nice rhythm to it. Dont know anything about the original, but would read more.

Here's mine. Wrote it last night.

Ragnarok
A thunder from the north
A black and formless sky
Upon the Vigrid fields
The gods prepare to die

[Anonymous No.18175334]

>>18175269
Idéen bag det er godt, men finder det bare mere konstaterende fremfor poetisk. Men i det mindste konstaterer du vigtigere ting end de fleste moderne digtere, der bare skriver deres daglige gøremål. Dine ordvalg er gode, så kan egentlig meget godt lide rytmen.

[Anonymous No.18175335]

>>18175269
I suppose it's alright, with the repetition and all. I don't get it though.

[Anonymous No.18175341]

Wrote this about an hour ago, let me know what you guys think.

About my mind presides a fog,
As I quake and shiver in horror;
For when I went to drop a log,
Each was a different color.

[Anonymous No.18175357]

>>18175307
The thunder is disconnected from the black sky; the field from the Gods, the Gods from death, your poem from my heart :(

[Anonymous No.18175366]

>>18175307

This one's quite nice. Seems like a good intro to a narrative poem. Keep it up

Anyways here's one I wrote a long time ago for my ex.

Where were you when the sun went down
And ushered in the endless night

When my gleeful grin became a frown
When my only joy because my plight


After all the shimmering lights
Where were you when it all went dark

Once you had me in your sights
You left after you made your mark


You had gone with the flame
After all you said and lied

Who was left but i to blame
After all our stars had died

[Anonymous No.18175378]

>>18175335
Don't worry I don't get it either, I just wrote down some random words

[Anonymous No.18175385]

>>18175341
nice

[Anonymous No.18175391]

>>18175262
Word wielded well is
wildfire. Whether the weather,
or wilt and wither.

Did I do it? I think I did a poetry.

[Anonymous No.18175417]

>>18175357
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ragnar%C3%B6k

You need a vague idea of what Ragnarok is if you're going to understand the poem

>>18175366
Thanks. I am thinking about extending it, but I feel like it would just turn into a retelling of Norse mythology. I don't want to get that deep into it.

[Anonymous No.18175432]

>>18175391
Yes, you yum yabbed
An awkward and ashy
Piece of poetic fog.

[Anonymous No.18175461]

>>18175417
My problem is with your images and the way they're connected. The image of lightning (or the sound of thunder) and the image of the black sky don't mix in my mind. I don't see a bright light running across the black sky. I don't hear a rumbling in the north. I don't know where north is, from where I'm standing. I hardly even see anything. Your words don't conjure up a scene (for me, for me, don't let me discourage you).

[Anonymous No.18175467]

stfup
i said to play
no one play
because they are gay

[Anonymous No.18175506]

>>18175461
>The image of lightning (or the sound of thunder) and the image of the black sky don't mix in my mind. I don't see a bright light running across the black sky.
I was worried about this part. I put thunder instead of lightning for this reason. The first two lines can be tweaked slightly (probably take out formless), I think the last two are fine and go with the Norse mythology book I read.

[Anonymous No.18175508]

>>18175269
Reminds me of Job

[Anonymous No.18175545]

Total lack of imagery
Creates a lifeless void
A place of wordless words
Where clear water runs ever on
Past moss and slimy stones
Leaving nothing for no one –
Only the little hazelnut ferry
With it's tiny mouse sailor
Floats upon the crystal waves
Like a smile
Over God's wrinkly chinese sage's face
Harming no one
Blessing every one

[Anonymous No.18175602]

>>18175506
Your poem is very abstract. For example: "The gods prepare to die"
Which gods? How do they prepare? How do they know their going to die?
Answering these questions or similar ones would make your poem more tangible.
Who are you writing for? What's the purpose of your poem?
If you want to take me on a journey, you have to be a lot more precise.
What I mean by this is: you have to work like painter.
You can't just say: "the gods prepare to die". You have to paint each god in greater or smaller detail.
You have to give everyone something to do. You have to guide my eyes from important point to important point.
Write in a way that would make a young child exited. Or try to atleast think of that child listener once in a while.
Or do you want to write an abstract, heady poem? If so, you have to say a lot more. You have to have something interesting to say.
As it is, your poem reads like a bland, abstract retelling of a wikipedia summary.
No action, no epic images, no philosophy, just versified facts.

[Anonymous No.18175660]

>>18175602
Like I mentioned earlier, if you do not have any clue what Ragnarok is, the poem will seem bizarre. The gods are from Norse mythology. They have a final battle against Loki, a bunch of giants, and a snake that surrounds surrounds world. I feel like the title gives a lot of the background. I don't want to make this into some long, epic poem because it was already done a long time ago. The poem is a simple rhyme I thought of after finishing a book on Norse mythology. It's supposed to be simple and written for people who are at least vaguely aware of the Norse people. Here try this poem instead which was written for a broader audience.

The Pyritic Age
When we had fallen in the grave,
We dug our own remains
In search of our forgotten age.
A yellow stink had blended with
The bones of our departed race,
For which we fools mistook its hue
As a solution to the grave.
We imitated blessings lost --
Our creation was a curse in strange
Inversion of our founding years:
War was only paused by threat
Of collective pain instead
Of individual accord;
We never learned the labor of
The plow, nor ate of Earth's fresh bounty.
The honorable ones had died
In peaceful sleep, their spirits ward
Over our tomb and shovel dirt
Upon our backs as we, in most
Violent fashion, claw at flesh
And Earth for vanity in death.

[Anonymous No.18175685]

>>18175660
I read the Edda again recently. My comments are not based on lack of knowledge. What 'bothers' me is your language (no hard feelings).