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/lit/ - Literature

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1816148 No.1816148 [Reply] [Original]

Can you critique my poem/raps /lit/?

Esque cliche told me how to do it the British way
Did the modeling on computers, not on clay
He told me he was going to sleep in the middle of day
But that was my time zone, always thought that was gay
Excuse of the dumb word usage like a noose being used on a uterus
Gay isn't meant to be said that way but you understand it right? So shut the fuck up and get away
This whole verse turned from British men to British bands who inspired me but not this fucking man
He thought they where dumb, overused, and never prospered
I respected that, listened to his songs and he taught more
But after all that he was still a British lawn mower

And

I once met a prophet down the alley I acquainted in.
I befriended him, he told me how to and to who to sin.
I understood him, we had a lot in common.
But when he left I understood what was coming.
A whole life in front of me that I could face alone.
But the face that he showed me inside me was shown.
So I wouldn't have to do it as someone I don't know.

>> No.1816158

Needs moar swag.

>> No.1816160
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1816160

ctrl f "bitches on my dick"

0 results.

>> No.1816167

+1 Rap of Britishness

>> No.1816171

>>1816158
It was more inclined to being a poem more than a rap, it just felt slightly like a rap so I put it up as that.

>> No.1818107

Bump

>> No.1818108

>>1816160
ctrl f "bitches on my dick"
1 result.

>> No.1818111

GOLDEN HAZE ENVELOPS THE PLACE WHERE THE CHILDREN WENT.

FOR A PLANKTON A POND IS DEEP. A SHARK MUST ROAM FREE IN THE OCEAN; HOVERING HAMMERHEAD A ROAMBUZZ ZZZZ I GLANCE DOWN AND GRAB A SOFT BLACK ROCK IT STAINS MY HAND IT BURNS LIT LIKE DIAMONDEE RED ICE HUMMING DREAD EYE WATCHING FROM ABOVE AS THEIR FACES COMMUNICATE THE CANDY RED HAZE.
REDREDRED REDREDRED REDREDRED REDREDRED REDREDRED AND BELOW THE KINDERSCHWOF GOGOES BOPBOPBOP BOPBOPBOP…

HIS MIND, OBLITERATED SQUEAMISHLY POURING OUT THROUGH HIS PORES. AN AMORPHOUS PIECE OF FLESH ENDOWED WITH MISTY ILL GLOW OF IONS GLEAMING DIMLY ROTTING WITH THE HAZE. THE AFTERMATHICAL ECHOES OF THE WHITE SYMPHONY.

ANEYE ON VIOLET SHIFT SO MOWING FARFAR DEEP BLOOM YOUR CHILD LOST IN PEARLY HAZE; IN DROOLING EYE.

I MADE A DEVICE OUT OF THE COLD WATERING BLOOM IN MY CHEST THIS SENSE OF FALLING PASS THE STOCKING. TENDER MELANCHOLY A FANTASY OF CRYSTAL SPAWNING AND VANISHING INTO SANDY DARKENED VISION; IT NEVER HAPPENED, ATTACHING BONDS AND NODES; RED AMBIT BEFORE THE TINY SMILING FACES. REMURMUR. BOUNCING CORDS A LOW HELLO MOTION LOW HELLOW REDREDRED REDREDRED.   

>> No.1818113

>>1816171
Ha. No.

>> No.1818116

KINDREAD SPOOK. A RUDDY ZESTY KID AT THE WHOLEWAY OF THE FOURZEST, THE SPRAWLING MATTER THAT GAZE A CANDIED HAZE THAT PIERCES TUMTUMTHUM A HAMMERHEAD TURNDURN TO CHOCOLATE OBLITERATING HIS MIND THAT SQUEMISHLY POURS OUT THROUGH HIS PORES LEAVING AN AMORPHOUS PIECE OF FLESH ENDOWED WITH LURID MEMBRANE OF IONS GLEAMING GREENLY ROTTING WITH THE GAZE. WAN WAN. I MADE A TWATY SIX TEEN DEVICE.

DIE MUNN SWALLOWS THE WHYS BETWEEN SINGING CHIRPY SPARKLES FINN TIN FINN FINN TINK FIIINN DOWN THROUGH HOWLS OF TEARING LOGOS SO SHALLOW WHOLE WHOLE!! BLABLABLABLABLA EISH!! SO LONG SO THIN TINTINTIN NUMBING DUMBING LITLIZHTAR Y SO MAD? MUNMUNMONMONMONOM NOMNOMNOM NUMNUMNUMB THE NEON WATERY AIR CRACKLING COMES DOWN IN MISCHIEVOUS JEST AS UNTERBROTHER OPENS IN RECEIVING ETHEREAL ELECTRICITY IN ITS MATERIAL WOMB SEEDY HAZY OCEAN TREMBLING CORDS ROAMBUZZ OF RED ICE CANDY AND CHOCOLATE FORTY TO THE CYAN ZEE ZEE FLOOD MUNSCHTAU THERE IS NO HORIZON COINCIDANCING RHOMBUS!!