/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.1810947]

I have part of a story I want you to rip to shreds for me. Really, please point out ever single flaw, and reveal it for the fucking bullshit that it is. Only posting a couple of paragraphs:

[Anonymous No.1810951]

I don't remember the last time I saw the clarity in a blue sky like I see it today. There is something cathartic about waking up from a night of heavy drinking with beer spilled all over your shirt to a clean, azure summer sky. I turn my gaze from the endless majesty of blank possibility to see that the yard I am lying in is also blank. Strangely, I don't have a hangover. I'm no longer drunk, and I feel fully rested. I check my wrist where the watch should be, and realize that this ephemeral tranquility isn't the only thing missing in my life. Juxtaposed with the scene I find myself in, I imagine my filthy figure standing out as a singular blight in the scene to any stranger happening to walk through my yard. Luckily, I don't permit strangers to pass through my yard regularly, and the neighbors are far enough away not to care about my problems. I then turn back up to look at the sky, and see that the sun has passed enough into the west to gauge that the time is probably around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. That's 3 or 4 hours past my shift at the job I used to work at this morning.

[Anonymous No.1810953]

I don't remember the last time I had an opportunity to see the world in this light, a world without a hangover and a world without a job.

I slowly get to my feet, with the intention of taking off these nasty beer clothes and bathing. Instead of turning toward my uninhabited house, I walk over to the water hose and turn it on. I drink deep from the hose, as carefree as one of those boys from a Mark Twain novel. After satiating my thirst, I strip and commence my cold shower. The wonders of modern plumbing allow me to feel a sort of communion with nature, and this blue that bears down from above. As the chilly water filters through my mop of hair and down my naked body, I ponder what to do with the rest of my day. Maybe I'll eat a hot pocket. Maybe I'll call a suicide hotline.

[Anonymous No.1810954]

>There is something cathartic about waking up from a night of heavy drinking with beer

Don't be one of these writers. We don't need any more of them.

[Anonymous No.1810955]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The shops at the mall are mostly the same, in that they passively suggest that I buy goods and services that I don't need. Want to know what kind of service I need? Some real fucking empathy would be nice. Instead I buy a milkshake. As I pass by the Mall Security officer, I get a suspicious, lingering glance as if I'm some sort of terrorist waiting for the opportunity to drop my milkshake and pull out my Israeli .357 and forcefully proffer innocent bystanders with lead enemas. Do terrorists like milkshakes I wonder? Luckily, my social instability isn't one in which I wish any harm on those corpulent starbucks patrons that give me a cursory once-over as I pass by. It's an instability that is self-inflicted and dutiful. A natural recourse and end result of the social injustices I have perceived from my undoubtedly boring and carefree existence. Also undoubtedly, this instability would have afforded me such luxuries as a electroshock day spa and frequent flier's free lobotomy day only 4 decades ago. Incontinence never appeared so appealing. This milkshake is rather delicious.

[Anonymous No.1810959]

At that moment, my overpriced candybar of telco wallet-rape vibrated in my pocket. After the passing notion to ignore the phone, I whipped it out and looked at it. Then I read the notification, a wonderful model of the future of the English language: "LOL wtf u doin bro last nite was CRAZY!" I decided to ignore it. Shortly thereafter, I received a call. It was this call that changed my blackened view of the world and the plastic proxy personas that people pulled out of their collective ass. Whether this tragedy was a catalyst for self-improvement or self-destruction is an opinion best left to those who decide how people should live their lives. My friend was dead.

[Anonymous No.1810963]

[Anonymous No.1811005]

I kind of liked it. Some nice sentences. Doesn't seem to be much happening though and your telling far more than showing. Definitely over-wordy at times aswell.

[Anonymous No.1811015]

>>1811005
I just read to the end. I don't have a fucking clue what you're trying to do OP. Do you know yourself?