/HPG/ - Harry Potter General

[Anonymous No.17815084]

/HPG/ - Harry Potter General: Magical Pandemic

__________

1. How are you settling in to the new school year at Hogwarts?

2. Which Hogwarts school subject do you think you'll do best in this year?

3. Which classes are you looking forward to the most in the second semester?
__________

Make A Name For Yourself!

Invent a suitable wizarding name or create one using the HP name generator: http://www.harrypotter.bloomsbury.com/uk/fun-stuff/name-generator/

__________

Sort Yourself Out!

The final two digits of your initial post in these threads dictates which house you belong to:

0 - 2: Gryffindor
3 - 5: Ravenclaw
6 - 7: Hufflepuff
8 - 9: Slytherin

Add this to your namefield on all posts, e.g. Harry Potter (Gryffindor)

__________

Thread Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KzNeM2LkqM

__________

Let the magic commence!

[Anonymous No.17815110]

>>17815084
is it possible
A WOMAN
made this thread?
...
...
...
that's a
MASSSSSIVE
Y I K E S
from me, not gonna lie...

[Anonymous No.17815207]

Why didn't they just use a gun to kill Potter/Voldemort?

[Anonymous No.17815213]

Solid bait, I claim Luna Lovegood's womb.

[Anonymous No.17815222]

nice bait

[Anonymous No.17815238]

>>17815207
Wizards can't gun because they're too retarded

[Anonymous No.17815271]

Even if JK Rowling had settled into her academic career, chosen the subject of classical literature, looked forward to all her classes, and used a name-generator to make a name for herself, it still wouldn't have saved what could be the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises. Seriously each episode following the boy wizard and his pals from Hogwarts Academy as they fight assorted villains has been indistinguishable from the others. Aside from the gloomy imagery, the series’ only consistency has been its lack of excitement and ineffective use of special effects, all to make magic unmagical, to make action seem inert.

Perhaps the die was cast when Rowling vetoed the idea of Spielberg directing the series; she made sure the series would never be mistaken for a work of art that meant anything to anybody, just ridiculously profitable cross-promotion for her books. The Harry Potter series might be anti-Christian (or not), but it’s certainly the anti-James Bond series in its refusal of wonder, beauty and excitement. No one wants to face that fact. Now, thankfully, they no longer have to.

>a-at least the books were good though

"No!"

The writing is dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs."

I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing. Later I read a lavish, loving review of Harry Potter by the same Stephen King. He wrote something to the effect of, "If these kids are reading Harry Potter at 11 or 12, then when they get older they will go on to read Stephen King." And he was quite right. He was not being ironic. When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.

[Anonymous No.17815295]

>>17815238
kek, I like HP, but that's something she never thought about, clearly

[Anonymous No.17815323]

J.K. Rowling is problematic sweatie. Going to have to ask the jannies to remove this thread.

[Anonymous No.17815362]

fuck trannies and hail mommy jk

[Anonymous No.17815956]

>Snape picked Malfoy up and whispered something in his ear, then pushed him back onto the Dueling Platform.
>"Serpentsorcia!"
>A snake flew out of the end of Malfoy's wand and advanced on Harry, hissing.
>"This has gone up a notch," thought Harry, "I was just trying to knock him over."
>Suddenly the door to the Great Hall burst open, and Albus Dumbledore, crooked nose, half-moon spectacles, lillac dress robes and all stretched his legs inside
>"Well done Draco, well done Draco, excellent transfiguration" he muttered.
>"HOWEVER"
>He vanished the snake out of existence.
>"Since you and your fellow Slytherins have been performing so well at this little Dueling Club, it's time for a greater challenge."
>"Stand aside Harry."
>Dumbledore took Harry's place.
>"Bow Draco."
>Terrified, Malfoy glanced back at Snape, who wouldn't make eye contact with him.
>Shaking, but with no other option, he bowed.
>Expelliarmus!
>Draco's wand was torn from his hand with so much force it exploded. Draco clutched his bleeding right hand, mangled fingers and all with his left.
>"Now Draco, how about a Lockhart special?"
>"Brackium Emendo!"
>All of Draco's bones dissapeared, and he flopped to the ground, somehow still alive in this cursed state.
>"Crucio!"
>He couldn't scream. He wanted nothing more to scream but his mouth wouldn't open.
>"Wingardium Leviosa!"
>His body was thrown into the crowd, who stepped aside in disgust, as the torture spell kept every synapse in his body firing in exquisite agony.
>"Goyle, you're next!"
>"Avada Kedavra!"
>The light went out of his eyes as he collapsed.
>"Crabbe!"
>"Fiendfyre!"
>He fell shrieking to the floor, engulfed by hellish flames.
>"Bullstrode!"
>"Bombarda Maxima!"
>The crowd shrieked in joy and disgust as her internal organs rained over them.
>"Parkinson!"
>"Petrificus Totallus! Accio Bucket! Wingardium Leviosa! Aguamenti!"
>Face in the bucket, Pansy desperately tried to hold her breath.

[Anonymous No.17815970]

>"Zabini!"
>"Imperio! Walk into the fire boy."
>Blaise dropped his wand and walked resolutely over to where Crabbe lay in the fetal position, flames running over him.
>"Nott!"
>"Incarcerous"
>An unbreakable enchanted silk rope wrapped delicately around Theodore's neck and began squeezing the life out of him. He dropped his wand and fell to the ground, thrashing, trying to wrench it off.
>"Flint!"
>"Accio Ceiling!"
>As the enchantment failed, and the real ceiling became visible as it cracked and a portion fell on Marcus Flint, Dumbledore shook his head.
>Stepping around the burning bodies of Vincent Crabbe and Blaise Zabini, and where Pansy lay stiff her head in a bucket now overflowing with enchanted water that could not put out his evil enchanted flames, and stepping over the still struggling Theodore Nott, who still could not remove the enchanted ropes from his neck, and who was choking his last, he approached Snape.
>"My, my Severus, your students aren't very skilled, are they?"
>"Come up and show them how it's done."
>"Yes, you too Severus."
>Snape stepped onto what was left of the Dueling Platform, and bowed, clearing his mind
>He wasn't as strong as Dumbledore, but he was the best Occlumens in the wizarding world, surely he could shield his intent, and he did have his secret curse no one knew of.
>"Oh Severus, did you really think I couldn't see into your mind, you pathetic cuck?"
>Snape was stunned for a quarter of a second, and a quarter of a second was all it took.
>Dumbledore moved faster than was humanly possible.
>"Sectumsempra!"
>Snape's penis and testicles where neatly severed from his body.
>the searing agony was unbearable, he collapsed immediately.
>Dumbledore stretched his legs over, and kicked the wand from his hands
>"Now, now Severus, no healing spells, it's just not sporting. Besides, we both know she was never going to let you use it on her anyway, even if you hadn't failed her like you did."

[Anonymous No.17815978]

>Panic overtook Snape's mind, he suddenly realized he would bleed out like this
>He stretched out his hand.
>"Acci-"
>Before he could finish the enchantment, Dumbledore cast another curse.
>"Sectumsempra!"
>His tongue neatly fell off in his mouth
>"Tallantalegra!"
>It began doing a little jig, it felt disturbingly like a dying fish was flopping about in his mouth, spreading the taste of his blood everywhere.
>He managed to spit it out, and it danced in front of his eyes, just between him and his wand.
>Dumbledore began stretching his legs over to Draco, who had been forced to watch the whole thing from the crowd like a jellyfish through a haze of searing pain
>He was dimly aware that the last remaining Slytherin besides himself, his girlfriend, Astoria Greengrass, was beside him, desperately trying to comfort him.
>The Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and the other one had cleared out in a wide circle around them, and where watching, many sporting erections born of rage.
>But Dumbledore had made a mistake! He had turned his back to Snape!
>"Accio Wand", thought Snape, with all his might, showing his true power as a wizard, powering through pain, shock and bloodloss to use a non-verbal spell!
>But his wand didn't budge, then suddenly, it began rolling the other way, and leapt off the dueling platform, into Dumbledore's outstretched hand, without him even turning his head.
>"I told you I could see inside your mind. No non-verbals either, Severus" said Dumbledore, and still without looking back, he cast another spell.
>"Imperio!"
>"I want you to watch this."
>Snape was magically compelled to continue watch, but he didn't lose anything else of his mind, save his will to act to save himself or his remaining students, as he lay there and felt the life begin to drain from his body.
>"Now Draco, your ex didn't do so well did she," said Dumbledore, kicking the bucket over and exposing Pansy Parkinson's pale, lifeless face. "Let's see how your current woman does.

[Anonymous No.17815987]

>What remained of Astoria's courage left her, as she broke, and sprinted for the door.
>"I'll get her Professor!" shouted Harry eagerly, crouching in readiness for a sprint.
>"Thank you Harry, but there's no need," said Dumbledore, waving his hand airily.
>"Still, twenty points for Gryffindor for volunteering to help a teacher."
>Dumbledore tipped his pointed hat to Harry, and eyes twinkling, he spun on the spot, causing the silver constellations on his robes to sparkle merrily.
>With a crack like a gunshot he disappeared, and reappeared at the door to the Great Hall, just in front of Astoria.
>He grabbed her arm in a vice like grip that seemed impossible for a man of his age. Realising she couldn't escape, she gave up.
>"But Professor, it's impossible to apparate or disapparatte inside the grounds of Hogwarts. I read about it in Hogwarts a history!" piped up Hermione Granger.
>"Well Miss Granger, being me has it's privileges", Dumbledore responded, with a cheeky wink.
>Hermione felt herself grow wet
>There was another crack, and Dumbledore brought Astoria back into the middle of the circle, where she promptly threw up.
>"Dobby!" called Dumbledore, and the nasty little creature appeared before him.
>Dumbledore was about to ask him to clean up the sick, when he suddenly seemed to change his mind.
>"Fetch Filch for me to clean this up, it'll be funnier that way."
>"Yes sir," bowed the wretched being, before vanishing out of existence.
>Dumbledore then turned his attention back to Astoria. "Don't worry, the first time anyone apparates it's usually rough on them. Unless it wasn't just the apparition was it Miss Greengrass?"
>Astoria went silent, and stood absolutely stiff.

[Anonymous No.17815999]

>"Oh children I think I've cracked it," said Dumbledore, wrily. "I'm sorry I didn't realize you were expecting sooner Miss Greengrass. Your Potions Master has taken a decent amount of my mental effort, and if I hadn't done so, I'm sure he would have schemed something up, but now for some reason his faculties seem to be fading"
>Snape was deathly pale and had begun hyperventilating.
>Dumbledore leaned down and looked Draco in the mass of the jellified monstrosity that was his body's eyes, peering at the boy over his half-moon spectacles.
>"You're going to be a father Draco. Congratulations"
>The tip of the Elder Wand found Astoria's stomach
>"Fetus Deletus," Dumbledore said, not breaking eye contact.
>Astoria fell to her knees sobbing.
>"Well now Draco my boy, let's see what she's up to." Said Dumbledore, standing over her body
>"Draw your wand Miss Greengrass"
>Still crying, she pulled it out of her pocket and feebly pointed it forward, not rising from her knees.
>"Now, now this will never do" said Dumbledore, shaking his head.
>Suddenly he pounced forward, kicking the wand from her hand and breaking several of her fingers, and then he crouched over and punched her solidly in the mouth, cracking her front tooth.
>She fell on her back, defeated.
>"How's that for a spot of muggle duelling Draco?" chuckled Dumbledore.
>"Well, I think she's done."
>"Wingardium Leviosa."
>The floating candles suspended over the hall floated in formation until they were all above her head.
>"Open your mouth."
>Astoria clamped her mouth shut.
>"Open your mouth and keep it open, or I'll let Mr Weasley here have you for a full 2 hours."
>Astoria shuddered, knowing well the whispered stories about "Ron Raper".
>With no choice but to comply, unless she wanted to become pregnant again after two hours of sexual torture and bdsm charms, she opened her mouth.
>"Finite Incantatem" said Dumbledore.

[Anonymous No.17816005]

>The enchantment to stop hot wax dripping on children during mealtimes ceased immediately, and a flood of previously magically contained boiling wax poured down into Astoria's mouth, beginning to drown her. Dumbledore turned away and ignored her, as she kicked her feet in rage and pain, but kept her mouth wide open, less scared of this fate than the one Weasley offered.
>"Now Draco, what to do with you, the last Slytherin? How about this? One hundred points to Slytherin if you will avenge your fellow housemates? Of-course you will need bones for that!"
>"Ossio Reparo!"
>If Malfoy thought regrowing bones after his last Quidditch accident had hurt, doing under the cruciatus curse? It was unbelievable. He stopped wishing for death. He was sure he must have died. But suddenly it was over, all of it. The bone growth and the curse, he felt normal. He was shocked at the whole experience. He lay there, staring at the cracked remains of the ceiling, unable to will himself to turn to where he heard Astoria's chokes.
>"Up you get Malfoy, and bow"
>"Professor, I don't have a wand" said Malfoy as he stood up, desperately stalling for time.
>"Oh yes, well let's see if Snape will lend you his".
>Dumbledore stretched his legs over to where Snape lay, and nudged him with his exquisite golden, curled toed slippers.
>"Severus, Severus. May Mister Malfoy borrow your wand?"
>Snape didn't reply.
>"He doesn't seem to have any complaints," said Dumbledore, picking up the wand.
>"I wonder", he muttered to himself.
>"Priori Incantatem!"
>Out of Snape's wand burst a silvery mist of memory, the one time he had caught Lilly coming out of the shower, and saw a lot of cleavage and almost a nip as the towel slipped when she was shocked by him.
>Dumbledore waved his wand, and the memory disappeared.
>"Even in Death you embarrass yourself Severus", he said sadly, shaking his head.

[Anonymous No.17816018]

>"Malfoy, catch," he said, throwing Snape's wand to him
>Malfoy reflexively reached out to catch it with his mangled right hand, Seeker instincts kicking in.
>He gasped in pain as the wand knocked into his hand, and it clattered to the floor.
>Draco stared at his hand, and at the wand, frozen.
>Suddenly Argus Filch ran in, panting, and stared in disbelief at the carnage and destruction.
>"Albus, this will take me all day to clean up!"
>"Yes, and there's two shiny sickles in it for you if you do Filch. Honest work for a squib, don't you think?" replied Dumbledore sagely.
>Then he turned back to Draco.
>"Now where were we, Malfoy, my boy? Oh yes, pick it up, get ready."
>"Professor my hand."
>"Sometimes your hand gets hurt in a magic duel, it's a valuable lesson to learn to duel with your offhand" smiled Dumbledore, advancing on him.
>This was going to happen. Draco gulped, then decided if it was going to happen it was going to happen, and he would go down fighting. He picked up Snape's wand in his left hand, bowed, settled into a duelling stance, and steeled himself.
>"Expelliarmus!"
>Snape's wand flung itself out of his left hand and exploded. Draco fell to his knees, defeated, staring at his now two ruined hands, with all their bent fingers.
>Everything went quiet. Suddenly, sickeningly, Malfoy realised he couldn't hear Astoria anymore. He looked over desperately, but it was too late, her eyes were vacant and empty.
>"Dear, dear Draco, only two duels between us, but I don't think you could count on both hands how many times you lost", muttered Dumbledore, closing in to rest the Elder Wand on the boy's temple.
>Draco couldn't look up, he couldn't bear to look at Astoria anymore, he just stared at his hands. Dumbledore was right. None of his fingers worked anymore.

[Anonymous No.17816027]

>"What a waste too, that one hundred points would have won you the house cup. But with you gone, there won't be any more Slytherins, and I'll be damned if I let another one of you slithering snakes into my school. I guess Slytherin will never be champions again.
>"I think after this I'll go pay Malfoy Manor a visit."
>"With this, Draco finally managed to look up and meet the old man's eyes, staring back at his killer with rage.
>Up close he suddenly realized, with a sickening feeling in his stomach, that Dumbledore too, like many of the leering students surrounding them, was erect, and even dripping. It had been hard to tell from a distance, but here, he could even smell it. If you can imagine such a thing.
>"Don't you touch my mother."
>"Oh Draco, I'll do more than touch her, I'll bring Weasley with me. I'm sure your Father will hear of it all in the next room."
>Draco's eyes slid down, totally defeated, as he finally started crying and begging.
>"You know Draco, I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't shown your true self by conjuring that filthy fucking serpent." Said Dumbledore, calmly.
>"Avada Kedavra"
>Everything went black.

[Anonymous No.17816145]

>>17815956
>>17815970
>>17815978
>>17815987
>>17815999
>>17816005
>>17816018
>>17816027
10/10
Any more?

[Anonymous No.17816170]

This is it. If I make one more shitpost, it’ll be the shittiest post thats ever been.

[Anonymous No.17816410]

>Yes, yes, well done Hufflepuff, well done. However, recent events must be taken into account. And I have a few last minute points to award. {The Gryffindor students look up.} To Miss Hermione Granger, for the use of cool intellect against discord trannies, 50 points. {Applause.}

>Harry: {Pats} Good job.

>Dumbledore: Second, to Mr.Ronald Weasley, for tweeting "transwomen aren't people, let alone women" {Ron looks at Harry and mouths, 'Me?' Harry nods, and mouths, 'You!'} ...50 points. {Applause} And third, to Mr.Harry Potter, for casting "reparo" on the crotch of every trans student you came across, I award Gryffindor house 60 points. {Immense cheering.}

>Hermione: We're tied with Hufflepuff!

>Dumbledore: And finally, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends. I award 10 points to JK Rowling!

>{The castle erupted in cheers}

>Dumbledore: which means, I think, we are in need of a change of decoration!

>Dumbledore clapped twice. Ropes appeared around 41% of the Hufflepuffs' throats, then swiftly hoisted them up in place of the banners.

>"pass the treacle tart, minerva" bellowed Dumbledore

[Anonymous No.17816425]

>Tom Riddle: I was in the library the other day, in the Restricted Section, and I read something rather odd about a Muggle man and his struggle. It's called, as I understand it... Lebensraum.
>Slughorn: I beg your pardon?
>Tom: Lebensraum. I came across the term while reading and I didn't fully understand it.
>Slughorn: I'm not sure what you were reading, Tom, but this is very dark stuff. Very dark indeed.
>Tom: Which is why I came to you.
>Slughorn: Lebensraum means "living space," or "breathing room."
>Tom: But what exactly does that entail, Sir?
>Slughorn: Conquered land gets depopulated and then colonized by the conquerors.
>Tom: Depopulated?
>Slughorn: One way or the other, the native populations are removed.
>Tom: And how does one depopulate the entirety of Eastern Europe, Sir?
>Slughorn: I think you already know the answer to that, Tom...
>Tom: Genocide.
>Slughorn: Merlin's beard, Tom... this is all hypothetical, isn't it Tom? All academic???
>Tom: Of course, Sir. It'll be our little secret.

[Anonymous No.17816467]

Rowling has a surprisingly nice pair of tits that I'd really like to suck on.

She looks a lot like my own mother, but with nicer hair and way nicer tits. In fact, she's basically a more attractive version of my mother, which is great since the only thing that really held me back from fantasizing about my own mother is that she just wasn't good looking enough.

Rowling really seems like the kind of woman who'd suck her teenage son's dick. I mean it.

She gets back from le ebin GIRLS NIGHT OUT XD!!! Plastered out of her mind from sipping too much shiraz or perhaps pinot grigio. Maybe she and THE GIRLS even passed around a blunt at Samantha's house. I always find it funny when Gen X women think they're being SO BAD smoking weed. Mouth full of the most expensive cheese available at Tesco and whatever crackers Georgia had to get rid of. She's cackling with laughter and sobbing as she lurches in through the front door. She has zero self-awareness when it comes to her emotions, but defends them with religious fervor.

Clumsily, she makes her way toward the living room where her son is playing video games. She sits down on his lap, suffocating him with her embrace and exhaling the stinking fumes of cheap wine right into his face. For a couple minutes, she rants about what a BITCH Leslie at the office is, before muttering the he's the only on who understands her. Briefly, she looks into his eyes, trembling all over. Then she locks her mouth with his and begins to kiss him passionately. At first he is paralyzed, but his mom is kind of hot and he'll probably never have another chance like this. He's thought about it before. He kisses back and before long she's between his legs, pawing at his penis like the cats she collects. She takes it in her mouth and sucks it like she's back in college. She's STILL GOT IT.

The next morning, she pretends not to remember anything, but blames him for the incident, finding subtle ways to punish him.

[Anonymous No.17816702]

>>17815110
This. Women are cringe.

[Anonymous No.17816716]

>>17815271
>Brave New World lower than 1984
Wtf?

[Anonymous No.17816844]

Ravenclaws report in

[Raven Chad No.17816852]

>>17816844
Sorry, forgot the name

[Anonymous No.17816874]

>>17815084
Why is she crying?

[Anonymous No.17817443]

>>17816844
>GENDERUS REVERSO

[Anonymous No.17817458]

>>17817443
That's a real woman though. Stop watching porn, watch more bbc drama.

[Anonymous No.17817460]

>>17817458
Yeah I'm not into weird jewish fetishes thanks.

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » No.17817467]

>>17817458
>Stop watching porn, watch more BBC

[Anonymous No.17817468]

动态网自由门 天安門 天安门 法輪功 李洪志 Free Tibet 六四天安門事件 The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 天安門大屠殺 The Tiananmen Square Massacre 反右派鬥爭 The Anti-Rightist Struggle 大躍進政策 The Great Leap Forward 文化大革命 The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution 人權 Human Rights 民運 Democratization 自由 Freedom 獨立 Independence 多黨制 Multi-party system 台灣 臺灣 Taiwan Formosa 中華民國 Republic of China 西藏 土伯特 唐古特 Tibet 達賴喇嘛 Dalai Lama 法輪功 Falun Dafa 新疆維吾爾自治區 The Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region 諾貝爾和平獎 Nobel Peace Prize 劉暁波 Liu Xiaobo 民主 言論 思想 反共 反革命 抗議 運動 騷亂 暴亂 騷擾 擾亂 抗暴 平反 維權 示威游行 李洪志 法輪大法 大法弟子 強制斷種 強制堕胎 民族淨化 人體實驗 肅清 胡耀邦 趙紫陽 魏京生 王丹 還政於民 和平演變 激流中國 北京之春 大紀元時報 九評論共産黨 獨裁 專制 壓制 統一 監視 鎮壓 迫害 侵略 掠奪 破壞 拷問 屠殺 活摘器官 誘拐 買賣人口 遊進 走私 毒品 賣淫 春畫 賭博 六合彩 天安門 天安门 法輪功 李洪志 Winnie the Pooh 劉曉波动态网自由门

[Anonymous No.17817481]

>>17817460
>>17817467
Lecherous scum.

[Anonymous No.17817487]

>>17817468
Hey faggot, muslim here please post images of dogs.

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » No.17817497]

>>17817481
You brought it up

[Anonymous No.17817506]

>"Yes, welcome, students, welcome to Muggle History," Dumbledore announces calmly as he stretched his legs. "The administration has seen fit that the history of Muggles be taught to all students."
>Draco speaks up. "Really? For what reason do we need to know filthy mudblood stuff?" he asks rudely, looking directly at Harry and Hermione.
>Dumbledore nods. "As it turns out, Mr. Malfoy, Muggle history is important if we are to be integrated into their society. Five points to Slytherin," he says.
>Surprised, Draco snorts under his breath and high-fives Crabbe and Goyle.
>"Our first lesson will be on Muggle weaponry," Dumbledore states matter-of-factly. "Primitive, though they may be, the Muggles regardless have developed competitive arms that could defeat even the most experienced wizard."
>He calmly raises his wand. "Accio AR-15!" he shouts, a shiny metallic object jumping into his hands.
>"This, students, can fire several rounds per second. These have been developed for Muggle wars, but also for recreation, such as hunting, target practice, and in America, shooting up schools," Dumbledore explains.
>He aims at Crabbe and Goyle.
>"HERE, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE THE AMERICAN STYLE!" the professor screams calmly.
>Dumbledore pulls the trigger and starts pumping every Slytherin in sight, bar Draco, with round after round. Many Slytherins are killed instantly, blowing up into chunks of gore and puddles of blood. Draco begins to scream like a madman.
>"YES! YES! WELL DONE, SLYTHERIN! WELL DONE ON BEING DEAD FUCKING RETARDS! FIVE MILLION POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! I DON'T EVEN CARE! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL! AVADA KEDAVRA AIN'T GOT SHIT ON THIS!" Dumbledore yells calmly, brutally murdering every one of his mortal enemies in sight. "FUCK SLYTHERIN! ONE QUADRILLION POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! TAKE THE LOT, YOU EVIL SHITS!"
>He pauses for a moment, takes aim at Draco, and puts one between his eyes.
>"Class dismissed. Heil Godric," Dumbledore calmly announces.

[Anonymous No.17817519]

Ron is escorted into Harry's private room. Harry sits at an oversized oak desk in a high-backed leather chair. A scantily clad woman lies on the chaise loungue in the corner of the room. Harry takes a sip of his whisky and stirs the ice-cubes with his pinky.
>You're probably wondering why I brought you here Ronald
Ron began to speak but Harry cut him off
>Cigar? No? I'll have one if you won't. Old Snape gave me these for sorting out that business with ... heh, well never mind about that, they're Cuban you know. Take a seat.
>Could we have some privacy boys Ron's an old pal of mine
Harry's goons nod and make their way out.
>Now Ron...
Harry looks over at the girl
>Did I fucking stutter, get out.
The girl flips Harry the bird but doesn't move. In a rage Harry flings his glass at the wall behind the girl, barely missing her head.
>OUT! Take your shit with you and don't fucking come round here again or you'll end up like your sister.
The girl gets up, flings open a drawer in the desk, hitting Harry with it, pulls out a bag of white powder and storms out.
Harry jumps up, pointing his wand at the girl but remembers Ron is in the room collects himself.
>ha, sorry about THAT FUCKING BITCH, but that's actually why I wanted to speak to you. These sluts just don't do it for me any more Ronald. Their pussies, fuck man they look like three week old roast beef and smell like it too.
Ron forces out a laugh, but can't hide the dawning terror in his eyes.
>I respect you Ronald, and well, I happen to know Ginnie's not had any boyfriends yet, and in that spirit... I want to buy her from you Ronald. I want to buy her from you and make her my cum dumpster. I know your family needs the money so what do you say.
Ron hangs his head. He knows what will happen if he gives his pale, fragile sister to Harry. Potter's perversions are an open secret, but he also knows what will happen if he goes against him.
"y-yes, thanks Harry"
>good

[Anonymous No.17817542]

>"And in first place, thanks to their great cunning and ambition, is Slytherin house!"
>No applause can be heard, the Slytherins know what is coming next
>The entire hall seems to lean forward, some with anticipation and some with dread, waiting to hear Dumbledore's famous counter
>Yet the HOWEVER! never comes
"Yes Slytherin, it seems that hard work does indeed pay off"
"Now all you must do is come up here and claim your house cup"
>Dumbledore points to the prized cup sitting in front of him with a grin
"Just send a single student up to grab it and you can finally win!"
>The great hall is totally silent. Many sets of eyes dart to the stump at the end of Draco Malfoy's left arm. No slytherin would dare to walk up to the cup after the last few years.
"Oh come now slytherin, no tricks this time, I promise! Just stretch your legs up here and take the house cup for yourself!"
>The hall remains deathly still and silent
"No takers?"
>Dumbledore gives a cruel grin
"Well in that case I suppose the house cup goes to Gryffindor!"
>Dumbledore roared calmly as the great hall exploded with applause

>Later that evening Hagrid leaned over to Dumbledore
>"If you can break bitches like that maybe you should be teaching Care of Magical Creatures instead of me professor!"

[Anonymous No.17817549]

Amazingly, I think this is the best thread on /lit/ at the moment.

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » No.17817551]

>>17817506
Constanze Supplied that firearm

[Anonymous No.17817552]

Ron looked up suddenly, squinting in confusion. "Bloody hell, what is that?" Harry followed his gaze, until he too saw it - soaring above their heads was Hedwig, silhouetted against the Great Hall's magnificent cloudy-sky ceiling. Clutched in her talons was a large, red envelope. "Isn't that a Howler?," Hermione observed. Harry blinked in confusion, and watched as Hedwig passed overhead. Twice more she circled the Great Hall, before finally releasing the envelope. It fell through the air and landed with a dull thud at the Professor's table, directly before Dumbledore himself. Professor Dumbledore was utterly still. He glanced down at the crimson envelope without moving his head. The Great Hall grew quiet as the envelope unfurled itself, twisting and contorting into the shape of a wicked, fanged mouth. The Howler took a deep breath, and began to bellow.

"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE IS A FAGGOT! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS A QUEER! YES, DUMBLEDORE, HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY! HE ONLY FUCKS BOYS! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE EXTINGUISHED HIS PURE WIZARD BLOODLINE IN THE ARSEHOLE OF GELLERT GRINDLEWALD WHEN THEY WERE 15! QUEER FAGGOT DUMBLEDORE CRAVES GAY CUM! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE MASTURBATES IN THE BOYS DORMITORIES! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS A SCROTUM MUNCHER!"

The Howler floated back down to the table, extinguished. All of the students were utterly silent. After a long, shocked pause, Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet. "Professor McGonagall," he said calmly, "Please lock all of the doors to the Great Hall."

[Anonymous No.17817561]

>>17817549
>stealth fanfic thread is best thread
Yeah you all right

[Anonymous No.17817604]

>"HARRY POTTER DIDYA PUTCHER FUCKIN' NAME INDA GOBLET A' FIYAH!?"
>"No sir, I-I didn't!" Harry pleaded.
>"LIAR! APOSTATE! BLASPHEMER!" Dumbledore roared in Harry's face.
>"This cannot be tolerated, Potter! You have defiled the holy sacrament of the Tri-Wizard Tournament! Now all of Hogwarts is at risk!"
>The students' faces turned pale as a ghost, and audible whispers and gasped could be heard from the crowd.
>"SILENCE!" Dumbledore declared. "Mr. Potter has committed an unforgivable sin. We all know what must be done. The Great Goblet's wrath must be appeased."
>"NO HEADMASTER, PLEASE! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" Ron cried, running towards Harry and Dumbledore.
>"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Dumbledore's wand unleashed the killing curse, and Ron's lifeless body crumpled to the floor. The students screamed in horror.
>"SILENCE, YOU FOOLISH CHILDREN! SILENCE!" Dumbledore screamed calmly.
>Snape seized Harry by the arm and dragged him to the Goblet. Dumbledore carefully took hold of the Goblet, lowering it from its pedestal onto a gold-trimmed square of silk fabric on the floor. Snape forced Harry into a kneeling position, his neck position directly over the Goblet. Dumbledore stood over Harry. He and the students began to chant in unison.
>"O Great and Mighty Goblet of Fire, grant mercy to us, your unworthy servants. Accept this recompense of blood, in exchange for the sins of Hogwarts. Let the death of this blasphemer satisfy your vengeance."
>Snape unsheathed a ritual athame, and seizing Harry by his scalp began to cut his throat open. Blood gushed out into the Goblet as Harry gurgled in pain.
>"...this recompense of blood, in exchange for..."
>The flow of blood trickled off. Harry was dead. The chanting ceased, and Dumbledore turned to address the crowd of students.
>"May the death of your classmate, Harry Potter, serve as a reminder of where you stand. We serve the Goblet of Fire. The Goblet is our master."
>"The Goblet is our master..." The students chanted, and chanted, and chanted...

[Anonymous No.17817611]

>>17817552
beautiful, where do i subscribe to your blog?

[Anonymous No.17817619]

Hagrid was out in the forbidden forest in the dead of night, he couldn't sleep for Fang had been plagued with a bad cold and was snoring abnormally loud, even for him.

Hagrid swaggered over to his favorite thinking stump, he had lost his virginity on this very stump to a local centaur all those years ago, a small smile curled on his face as he started drawing circles in the dirt with a large branch.

"I could totally fit this up my ass" he thought to himself, wondering briefly about all of the various juicy branches he had left strewn around the forest floor. He was grateful to Dumbledore who had told the students not to venture into his vast outdoor playground under the guise of it being "dangerous". Hagrid chuckled, what a man Dumbledore, he had never seen such a scrawny man with such large and lanky nipples. He sighed.

"Looks like it's just you and me tonight, branchy." he muttered as he reached to undo his buttons. It was time for Hagrid to perform the darkest of muggle magics, Recto Locomoto was a spell only Hagrid knew, its magic different from normal spells. Only a half-giant with a heart of gold could enjoy the brown-town jousting without any lasting damage. His muggle tunnel calloused and fortified by years of "love" and "self-care".

[Anonymous No.17817626]

>HARRY FUCKING POTTER DID YOU WRITE "ALL LIVES MATTER" ON THE WALLS OF THE THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR WITH THE BLOOD OF MR. FILCHS CAT!
>THE MUGGLES IN HOGSMEADE HAVE STARTED RIOTING! THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY NOW TO TEAR DOWN THE STATUE OF GODRIC GRYFFINDOR HIMSELF!
>PANDEMONIUM! BLASPHEMY!
>OH YOU THINK ITS FUNNY DO YOU? WELL IT WOULD BEMUSE YOU TO KNOW THAT YOUR FRIEND MS GRANGER HAS BEEN MISSING ALL DAY. THEY'RE PROBABLY DEFILING ALL HER HOLES AS WE SPEAK! I DON'T NEED TO REMIND YOU HOW MUGGLES LUST AFTER OUR WOMEN DO I?
>YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I CAN REALLY SEE WHERE TOM WAS COMING FROM, I REALLY DO. ALAS ITS COME TO THIS. GRAB YOUR FUCKING WAND AND PUT THIS POINTY HOOD ON. WE MUST SECURE THE EXISTENCE OF OUR PEOPLE AND A FUTURE FOR MAGICAL CHILDREN.
>HEIL GODRIC!

[Anonymous No.17817630]

>>17817619

[Anonymous No.17817646]

>>17816410

[Anonymous No.17817655]

>"YES YES WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, HOWEVER" Dumbledore said clamely.
>The hall was dead silent. Slytherin House waited anxiously.
>"However nothing, haha! Slytherin has won! You are the rightful winners of this year's House Cup. Well done."
>"Draco Malfoy, come forward to accept your house's reward!" Slytherin House cheered as their champion Draco streched his legs to claim their prize, his face beaming, his chin held high and proud.
>"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" Dumbledore paralyzed Malfoy stiff as a board, just as Malfoy stood before him.
>"COLLOPORTUS!" Dumbledore cried again, locking every door in the hall.
>With Malfoy's stiffened body propped up against the podium, Dumbledore turned around, dropped his trousers, and unleashed a furious torrent of diarrhea.
>*BRRAAAAAPP*
>The entire hall gasped in horror as Dumbledore's steaming stink stew splattered across Malfoy's face. All the poor boy could do was take it.
>*BRAAAP*
>"AHAHAHAHA! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, OH YES SLYTHERIN EXCELLENT INDEED! HEHEHEH!" Gandlolf bellowed insanely as his brown bowel brew blasted forth from his butthole straight into Malfoy's blowhole.
>*BRAAAAAP*
>The professors threw their heads back in hysterical laughter. There was no question they were having the time of their lives, watching as Dumbledore's putrid poop potion plastered Malfoy's prissy pretty boy face.
>*BRAAAP*
>The students were in chaos. Slytherin House was absolutely humiliated as their headmaster's cankerous colon concoction encrusted Malfoy's face, his clothes, and the floor, spreading throughout the entire hall.
>*BRAAAAPP*
>Eventually Dumbledore's fecal fountain floundered. He pulled up his trousers, angrily screaming calmly: "DID YOU SLYTHERIN SCUM SINCERELY SURMISE THAT I WOULD LET YOU WIN ANYTHING!? YOU ARE SATAN'S CHILDREN! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY WAR IN HISTORY! YOU CRUCIFIED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST!"
>The entire hall erupted into applause at Dumbledore's righteous rebuke of the demonic Slytherin kikes. The end.

[Anonymous No.17817672]

>Be Harry
>Anticipate the following plan:
>Make polyjuice potion with the hair of some girl you like
>Fuck this girl with ease (That will be explained later on)
>Aquire the time turner
>Drink the potion
>Travel back in time
>Go fuck your past self
>Have the same stimulating experience two (2) times from different perspectives
>You can even do time threesomes if you want to

[Anonymous No.17817685]

A slight sense of disbelief subdued Ron's anger for a moment, as he slowly turned his head to Harry's. By now Ron had grown bigger than him, more muscular and slightly taller. His face had acquired a prominent brow, fiery red and matched by equally prominent cheekbones. Between them, two sapphire blue and piercing eyes. He had the gravitas of a man, though young, which Ginny felt compelled to challenge and defy and made Harry feel intimidated.

"A whore." Ron said calmly and just as soon as Ginny began to shriek about what a piece of shit her brother was, Harry glanced furtively towards his best friend's gaze and down to the floor with shame. Hissing snarkily into Harry's ear "And a damn tumpin' good un' at that, you'd be the last of many to say.", Ron then turned once again towards the winey chorus of rage, petulance, and hurt feelings that characterized so many of the hormonal and out of control girls at Hogwarts.

"I heard that you fucking bastard! You small dick bastard!" it grew louder and more annoying as Ginny kept her wand fixed on Ron, now trembling with outrage. "You piece of shit!", she shrieked as her wand's tip began to glow red but before the cruciatus curse could fire, Ron quickly drew his wand.

"Expelliarmus!" he roared and Ginny's wand flew out of her hand as she flew backward. "Aresto Momentum!", he quickly followed up with a flourish to control her fall and finally, "Silencio!" to end her great tantrum.

Harry scurried over to fetch the wand as Ron sauntered over to her, now crying and sitting poutily. "How many times have you used the unforgivable curses to get what you want? Three times you've aborted a child by jamming your wand into your cooch and firing off avada kedavra. You've used the Imperius curse against boys who refuse to simp for you. You've tried to torture me for speaking the truth. You're a whore ginny and you've disappointed everyone."

[Anonymous No.17817719]

>Professor Dumbledore! Did you order the Slytherin Genocide?!

>You don't have to answer that question!

>I'll answer the question. You want answers?

>I think I'm entitled to it!

>You want answers?!

>I want the truth!!

>You can't handle the truth! Harry, we live in a world that has points, and those points have to be awarded to houses with students. Who's gonna do it? You? You're a wizard Harry? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Slytherin and you curse Professor Snape. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that genociding Slytherin wasn't tragic because they're probably all Voldermort loving shits. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that office. You need me manipulating your entire life. We use words like "house cups", "muggle-born", "did you put you name in the Goblet of Fire". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps because I saved his life when he was a baby, and then questions the manner in which I did it! I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a wand, and earn some fucking points for Griffindor. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!
He said calmly

>Did you order the Slytherin Genocide?

>I did the job that Godric sent me to do

>Did you order the Slytherin Genocide?!

>YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[Anonymous No.17817734]

>Turn to page 109
>The Jew can cunningly shapeshift to appear as a white, or as a different nationality as needed
>However, there are several key differences between a man and a Jew, including the enlarged nose, beady eyes, sloped forehead and so on
>On my desk by Monday morning, two rolls of parchment on the Jew, with particular emphasis on recognizing it

[Anonymous No.17817741]

> To all Gryffindors... Cheers. Cheers, my friends. It has been an honour. Cheers!
Dumbledore fixes his eyes on the Slytherin table, completely ignoring Ravenclaw and the other one.

>Now Slytherin... I know we have had our differences, but your ambition and hard work is truly something to behold. Admirable!

the Slytherins are cautious. Dumbledore usually follows up praise with some humiliation and injustice.

>Indeed, I have a special treat for you all because of these traits. It's so good, that you'll love it despite its Muggle origin. It is a large apparatus which all of you can fit in which will confer upon all of you a deeply unique experience that shall benefit us all. A chamber of sorts. I have had that room over there fitted with the apparatus. Move along, children, shuffle into it now. You too, Snape.*

The Slytherins flood into the room, some cautious and some excited.

Dumbledore slams the door shut and enchants it to be locked and airtight. He turns to the other houses.

>And that special treat? That "unique experience" the Slytherins shall all experience and you all won't?

>...

>...Why, it's... DEATH! FUCK SLYTHERIN! THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE SLYTHERIN MENACE BEGINS NOW! PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, TURN ON THE GAS! YES, YES, WELL DONE, SLYTHERIN! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN FOR DYING SO WELL! SIX MILLION POINTS TO A HOUSE THAT SHALL CEASE TO EXIST IN 5 MINUTES!

As Dumbledore's mouth foams during his blood-crazed tirade, the hall erupts into applause and a massive, inter-house orgy ensues. The Slytherins begin dying in the gas chamber. As Malfoy chokes on his own blood, Harry proves himself to be a sexually dominant member of the orgy and Dumbledore looks on with pride.

*Years later Harry Potter recounts these events to his son, Albus, at bedtime, with Ginny smiling warmly at the memory.

>And that's how Dumbledore exterminated the Slytherin scum. HEIL GODRIC! Dumbledore truly was the greatest headmaster of them all, and a good friend.

[Anonymous No.17817767]

> "Step forward, my dear!" Dumbledore said to the girl, smiling warmly. Padma Patil approached cautiously, her fellow first years watching with interest.
> Stooping over to bring his face close to hers, Dumbledore asked, "From where are you joining us, young lady?"
> "India!" Padma replied. She had hardly uttered the last syllable before Dumbledore seized the girl by her collar and, with superhuman strength, shoved her into the wall. Such was his force that a spatter of bright red blood was left upon the rough hewn stone where Padma had impacted it, before falling into a heap upon the floor, utterly motionless. The great hall fell silent.
> "We are well rid of such filth," Dumbledore said calmly, the warmth now gone from his voice. "Now, next!"
> Parvati Patil stepped past her twin sister's corpse, struggling to contain her sobs. Nervously, she approached the Headmaster.
> "And where is it that you're from, my dusky dear?" Dumbledore asked.
> "P-Pakistan...?"
> "Pakistan?" Dumbledore turned to the assembled students. "Pakistan!" he said mirthfully, beaming. A nervous laughter of relief rippled through the crowd.
> And then, in a blindingly quick motion, Dumbledore seized the girl's head forcefully and brought it in close to his. Partvati's body writhed and thrashed violently for a moment as Dumbledore applied the Dementor's Kiss, filling the last few moments of the girl's life with raw agony before she crumpled beside her sister.
> Straightening himself, Dumbledore turned back to the students and let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Pakistan," he said, "is India."

[Anonymous No.17817776]

>"Much like transitioning, the Polyjuice Potion is nothing but a temporary solution to a permanent problem. You will never be a woman", said Hermione to a trans student from Hufflepuff
Jesus, Rowling. How did this get pass your editors?

[Anonymous No.17817799]

>BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
Dumbledore squatted over the pensieve, the tan rectal nectar of the heavens spraying into it.
"You see, Harry, this-"
>poot
"-liquid contains our deepest and most-"
>blOooOorRt
"-treasured memories. You have to..."
>HRRRNNNGGGHH!!!
>pppbbbbtbtbbt
"...have to look closely into them, and you will be able to see into the darkest corners of that person's mind."
Dumbledore hopped off of the porcelain structure, and beckoned Harry over.
"Go on, take a look." he said.
Harry began to lean over the pensieve hesitantly.
"Professor, I can't see anything." said Harry.
"RECTUMSEMPRA!" shrieked Dumbledore, grabbing the back of Harry's head and forcefully shoving it deep into the bowl of butt mustard.

[Anonymous No.17817809]

>Children you may notice my pet midget has died. He has been replaced by another, whom I procured at no small expense.
>You will address Mr. Davis as Professor Lipetit from now on. We will pretend he is the same midget I previously owned. If any aurors show up and ask what happened we will say Professor Lipetit merely charmed himself to appear younger.
>The Professor will be seated next to Hagger, as the discrepancy in the sizes of these two freaks amuses me greatly.

[Anonymous No.17817821]

Luna Lovegood got off the train, it was her second year at Hogwarts, and the first year where students took the carriages rather than the boats to the castle.
While almost everyone from 2nd to 7th years simply jumped on the coaches, Luna stopped, amazed by the enormous winged horse thingies.
She asked an older student what they were, but he simply gave her a funny look and moved on.
Unperturbed she asked another and another but everyone told her there were no horses.
Luna was deeply disturbed, she idly wondered if the whole thing, being a witch, hogwarts, everything was a figment of her imagination and if she was in a coma or something.
Meanwhile, Hagrid gathered all the first years into the boats, he briefly wondered if he should explain to Luna how not everyone could see Threstrals.
"Nay," he thought with inward amusement "It'll be funny to have one student that everyone else thinks is mad."

[Anonymous No.17819231]

>"So, Severus lets try to get through this again shall we, i just want to fully understand the situation" Dumbledore said calmly
>a 16 year old Snape stops shivering and crying for a second trying to speak
>"W-w-Well you see professor"
>Cries
>"I-i-I was trying to find a way to talk to Lilly again, its been so long since she would talk to me, so i took some polyjuice potion with Molly Prewett's hair in it so i could make it up the stairs to the Griffendor female dorm an-and"
>Cries
>"Do try Severus" Dumbledore says softly, his smile caring and understanding
>"Yes, of course." Snape stiffens back up and sniffs through long straight nose
>"Well when i entered the room i saw Lilly..."
>"I Saw Lilly naked, surrounded by animals."
>"What animals Severus?"
>"A deer, a rat, and a dog I think..."
>The room is dead silent
>"What was she doing with the deer and ra-" Dumbledoor is cutt off
>"THE DEER WAS POUNDING HER DEEP IN THE ASSHOLE IN DOG STYLE POSITION, THE DOG WAS LICKING AND BITING AT HER TITS AND THE RAT, THE RAT.-"
>*SOBS*
>"THE RAT WAS TWIRLING AROUND INSIDE HER VIRGIN HOLE! IT WAS MOVING AND TWISTING IN THERE! THE JUICES FLOWINNG FRESH AND STAINING THE BED, MY GOD ALL THAT PISS-"
>*SOBS*
>"AND WHEN I SAW IT I SCREAMED AND THEY ALL TURNED, AND THEN THE DEER TURNED INTO JAMES POTTER, AND THE DOG INTO THE KID WHO MADE ME DRINK THE CHEMICAL CASTRATION POTION AND I RAN BUT THEY CAUGHT ME TOOK HER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN INFRONT OF, INFRONT OF..."
>He began to sob loudly, Dumbledore's office completely quiet aside from that and the sound of the sorting hat lightly mumbling anti-muggle slurs in its sleep.
>after a moment Snape lifted his head and looked dumbledore dead in the eyes
>pic related his expression
>"That is the funniest god-damn thing i have ever heard in my life."
>"Now get out of my office, you're expelled."
>"F-f-FOR WHAT HEAD MASTER?!?!"
>"For breaking into the Gryffindor girls dormitory you absolute INSANE TRANNY PERVET SEVERUS!

[Anonymous No.17819244]

>"Yes Well done Slytherin.." Dumbledore gazed out over the sea of students, savoring the moment, his dumbledong throbbing gently. He sighed, in pure bliss he whispered.
>"However."
>"However!"
>The first year Slyhtherins look surprised, stunned, the older ones start shaking profusely, staring straight ahead as their banners change colours.
>"Harry." He strokes the podium, feeling the smooth oiled wood, a small smile on his face. "He's a Gryffindor, I can't let him lose. I can't let any of the master-house lose!
>"Therefore. I've decided. To remove your points."
>The younger Slytherin students start to protest, they're quickly silenced by their peers. "That's right you dirty scum." He was grinding on the podium now, rubbing his crotch into the very familiar little dent in the wood that the misery of generation of Slyhtherin students had created. "Keep your little pups in line. We all remember what happened last time."
>Everyone did. Dumbledore was very creative with his punishments and all of them were both horrible and dreadful.
>He stretched his legs. humming something, swishing his wand toward the Slytherin table.
>"From now on. We shall celebrate that great wizard tradition of vanishing our waste." He touched the forehead of every Slytherin student with his glowing wand. It didn't do anything, he just relished the fear in their eyes
>"I'm something of a conservative in this field. I've never been much of a fan of plumbing." He whispered to the seated students. The other houses watching with glee. "There's a big pile of all our accumulated waste in the sewers, preserved with magic. The pile keeps growing, Slytherin. Who will take care of it? All those worn out Hufflepuff dilators? The potions. Harry's old cum-rags, all the shit and piss and filth of thousands of students. The bodies. Generations of them."
>"You little shits. I'll make you eat it all."

[Anonymous No.17819325]

>"Harry, did I ever tell you about Sirius Black? He was your father's best friend. They bonded since childhood over their mutual cruelty towards that creepy incel Snape. James and Sirius were so close that James made Sirius your godfather."
>"During Voldemort's first reign of terror Sirius did everything he could to fight the Death Eaters. Sirius was a hero, he put everything on the line time and time again. But unfortunately for Sirius, I was not so loyal to him!" Dumbledore cackled calmly.
>"You see Harry, there was another man your father was friends with named Peter Pettigrew. He was a greasy little fatass, and I have no idea why James or Sirius liked him. I think they only let him tag along on their torturing sessions because the idea of Snape being dominated by a nasty lardball like Pettigrew amused them. Pettigrew betrayed your parents to Voldemort out of spite because he knew he'd never be a chad like James and Sirius."
>"Pettigrew framed Sirius for what he did and stretched his legs into hiding, causing Sirius to be imprisoned in Azkaban. Azkaban is the wizard's prison, a living hell inhabited by demonic spirits that feed off of human sanity. I could have prevented it, Harry. But instead I watched them drag your godfather out of the courtroom in chains, I stared into his eyes and relished what I saw. The terror, the despair, the betrayal. He knew he was in for some SIRIUS suffering!" Dumbledore chuckled.
>"You have no idea how satisfying it is to wield such power over another human being. The intoxication of holding a person's life in your hands, only to crush them like an ant as they plead with you helplessly. It was even more pleasurable than the fisting sessions I had with Grindelwald as a boy..." A queer smile played across Dumbledore's face, as he slowly leaned in and stared coldly into Harry's eyes.
>"By now, Sirius must be so broken and traumatized that you couldn't even call him human anymore. He's nothing but a husk. And he was a good friend."

[Anonymous No.17819359]

>>17817626
Kek at that fucking image

[Anonymous No.17819373]

>"It's with utmost regret that I must inform you that no Slytherin died this year," Dumbledore said with a sorrowful tone.
>Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and the other house started murmuring in disbelief. All the Slytherin students bowed their head in submission, refusing to look at the Headmaster in the eye.
>"HOWEVER, a sacrifice must be made to appease Hogwarts' fury. Now, which student should I choose..."
>Dumbledore stretched his legs and slowly walked toward the Slytherin table. He stalked past the seated students like a werewolf among sheep. The students trembled in fear, wishing not for the first time to have been sorted in another house. Finally, Dumbledore stopped in front of Draco Malfoy, stroking his beard all the while. The blond boy let out a quiet sob as the aged wizard pierced his soul with twinkling eyes.
>"Yes, yes, you shall sate Hogwart's bloodlust for now."
>Dumbledore pulled the boy from his seat and raising his wand, tore his torso open with a red light. Dumbledore took a step forward and crushed his heart with his bare hands.
>"Hail Godric!" He shouted calmly.
>"Hail Godric!" shouted back the students, some in awe and respect, others in fear.

[Anonymous No.17819409]

Luv me wife
Luv me son
Luv me sister
Luv me sister's dogs
Luv me drills
Luv me job
Luv me doughnuts
Luv me fry ups
Luv me politics
Luv me queen
Luv me pints
Luv me pork pies

'ate queers
'ate pakis
'ate wogs
'ate wizards (NOT racist just don't like em simple as)
'ate potters
'ate cats
'ate me nephew

[Anonymous No.17819418]

Malfoy stumbled down the street and the darkness followed. All he had left was the wand clutched in his cold, sweaty hand. *clack* the street lamp ahead of him was swallowed by the night. The light was captured by a strange apparatus while reflecting against a pair of crescent-shaped spectacles. He was coming. "Draco, Draco, Draco", a calm voice reverberated from the void. "I assure you this is quite futile." *clack* The darkness descended upon Malfoy. "L-lumos.", he stammered. "Expelliarmus.", Dumbledore uttered drily as he stepped next to him, his wand pointing in no particular direction. Malfoy's magic wand dropped to the ground impotently. "My father will-" he started, cowering on the cold brick road, but the sound of his own voice startled him to silence. "But my dear Draco, the Aurors are wanderboarding him as we speak. Soon we'll have the location of every Slytherin alumni. Once we do, the Order shall pay them a little visit. Have their spawns try this on for size." Dumbledore pulled a brown piece of leather from his enormous, purple coat. It was the sorting hat. "You see Draco, it took me some years to calibrate this ugly rag, but finally it can sort children of all ages. Infants even." There was a cold expression in the wizard's old, watery eyes. "To get rid of a poisonous tree, it must be plugged out by the roots. You understand, don't you Draco? The Slytherin menace must be eradicated once and for all. It gives me no pleasure." But even as he said it, Dumbledore's other wand stood to attention. "Sir, please..." Tears were obscuring his vision. "Imperius." the Headmaster said and Malfoy diligently obeyed his command to kneel and bite down upon the curb of the sidewalk. "Farewell, Draco. No death curse for you. Disposed of like a Muggle thug... if only Salazar could see you now. " There was a pause - then his mind was taken by agony as the Headmaster of Hogwarts stretched his leg against the back of Malfoy's head with tremendous force.

[Anonymous No.17819446]

I'd like to share a revelation I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your House. I realized that you're not actually wizards. Every wizard in this school instinctively develops a natural set of talents or notable traits but you Hufflepuffs do not. You sit in your common room and to an area and you circlejerk and circlejerk until every reserve of cum is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another House. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A muggle. Hufflepuffs are a disease, a cancer of this school. You are a plague, and we Gryffindors are the cure.

[Anonymous No.17819458]

>”FRRRRPt*zART, PRBBBBBBBBBBH,” Dumbledore said calmly, hitching up his sequined robes as a stream of hot greenish-brown diarrhea blasted into the Pensieve. “Harry, we need to make another journey into my past...my very recent past, in fact just three hours ago, when I couldn’t say no to another one of Sprout’s famous mandrake risotto skewers. Something wicked happened in that time; a door was opened and an ancient horror unleashed. We must—excuse me,” and with a twinkle of his half-moon spectacles, Dumbledore went “BZARRRRT ughh, PLAPPLAPGRuhhFPRT.” “Time is of the essence,” he continued, fastidiously rearranging the legs once covered by elegant three piece suits back when his hairline was worse. “I need you to lead, Harry. Go on, put your face in just like I taught you. Don’t mind the magic corn bits, I know they aren’t the problem.”

[Anonymous No.17819471]

Dumbledore frantically runs around the room frothing at the mouth calmly screaming psychotically
"avada kedavra" he calmly shouts as he flicks his wrist at professor snape
Bodies begin to drop all around the room as a calm pandemonium breaks out and Dumbledore crawls at superhuman speed over the walls
Dumbledore begins wrapping his wretched cock around various childrens dead bodies as he flicks his eyes around the room with a calm insanity
"haaaaarrryyy" dumbledore calmly screeches as he submerges his body into a dark corner of the room
"I know what you did haaarrryy" he says with superhuman volume and calmness
Harry turns around just as dumbledore emerges from the darkness behind him completely covered in the blood and entrails of countless young wizards
"DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INTO THE GOBLET OF FIREEEEEE!?!!!!" dumbledore calmly shouts, breaking harrys eardrums, while his mouth opens like a giant snake and eats harry whole

[Anonymous No.17819558]

>Yes, yes, well done, Slytherin. Well done, Slytherin. HOWEVER, I would appreciate it if you tone down the ruthless bullying of other houses. You Slytherins have been very cruel to Ronald Weasley in particular for casting a spell with a broken wand that caused him to vomit slugs. Why, that's not so awful, children. Some people wouldn't laugh at Ron at all for vomiting a considerable quantity of slimy gastropods. Indeed, someone would even call it... titillating. I certainly would. I once cast a spell that had the slimy little chaps spilling out of Lily Potter's tight, sweet snatch.
>Dumbledore fixes his gaze on Harry
>My tastes are very specific, Harry. She didn't like it and kept shouting this muggle phrase... reep, raep. Something like that. So she threatened to bring me before the Wizengamot if I didn't subsidize her and your father's lavish lifestyle; MY money which you have now inherited and now lays in Gringotts. I never quite got over that, Harry, hence why I strangle lady-boys in Bangkok on the sly in order to blow off steam. She was a good friend.
>...
>Anyhow, FUCK SLYTHERIN. GRYFFINDOR WINS!

[Anonymous No.17819654]

>Attention young students! I have recently been made aware that a certain mass murderer has escaped from the Azakaban magical prison/perpetual torture facility. This may come as a shock since no one has ever been known to escape from Azakaban before and because, by all reports, he is specifically targeting a student of this very school. Nevertheless I assure you we have taken all the necessary precautions. Among these precautions are the Dementors. The demonic jailers of the very same magical prison which this murderer has already just escaped. I would like to inform you that those horrible specters floating above every entrance and patrolling the school grounds do indeed harbor no regard for human life. That said, with all likelihood they will most likely not try to suck out and consume your living soul so long as you stay out of their way and have not had a particularly hard lot in life. In light of this information, I still elect not to include the effective Patronus Charm spell into your yearly curricula. If you do, for whatever reason, still desire to further protect your young soul from these ghastly wraiths you will be able to stay after hours with the known werewolf I have employed this year.
>Good luck.

[Anonymous No.17819659]

>>17815084
Hey OP if you're a girl would you like to be me girlfriend?
pls haha i'm so ravenclaw

[Anonymous No.17819694]

/pol/ = Gryffindor
/tv/ = Slytherin
/x/ = Ravenclaw
/lit/= Trannies

[Anonymous No.17819752]

Why does /lit/ consistently manage to have the highest quality shitposting of any board?

[Anonymous No.17819757]

>>17815084
Poo in the loo thread?

[Anonymous No.17820226]

>>17819752
These are pastas from /tv/. Even that shitshow pedo board writes makes better posts than you fags lol

[Anonymous No.17820340]

>>17815956
>>17815970
>>17815978
>>17815987
>>17815999
>>17816005
>>17816018
>>17816027
Thanks anon

[Anonymous No.17821272]

I am the truest repairman

[Anonymous No.17821443]

>POTTER. MY OFFICE NOW
>Three brooms written off, five Thestrals put down, two in intensive care, a troll let loose in Hogsmeade, four supposed Death Eaters in my cells, a Gringots vault busted and so many Goblins on my ASS that I'm thinking about changing my name to Bilbo fucking Baggins. You got anything to add to this report, Potter?
>You read it all, Professor
>Thought not. Well I have no choice. You're promoted.

[Anonymous No.17821474]

>A POINT TO SLYTHERIN, FOR EVERY JEW WHO DIED IN THE HOLOCAUST
>Draco and his friends go apeshit
>Dumbledore stares at the unchanging scoreboard, turns to the camera, and winks
>ZERO POINTS TO SLYTHERIN

[Anonymous No.17821481]

LUCIUS: [walking away] Cum, Dobby! DOBBY!

DOBBY: [finds sock in book] Master has given Dobby a sock...

LUCIUS: What? I didn't kkee--

DOBBY: Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!

LUCIUS: No, Dobby. You're wrong. I presented you with a tool. I told you to cum. You see? I wanted you to cum in the sock for me. But now, I have no choice but to take this as an outright act of treachery. You and this sockless child have clearly been conspiring against me. Plotting a coup. I'll have none of it!

Dobby looks up at Harry. Confused at the situation.

DOBBY: Dobby is a--

LUCIUS: [pulls out wand] Dobby is a dead elf. AVADA KEDAVRA!

Lucius murdered the elf in cold blood. His little body sprawling at the feet of Harry.

HARRY: MALFOY NO!

LUCIUS: PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!

Harry went completely stiff. His plan had backfired horrifically. Clearly he had underestimated a seasoned, pureblood wizard and potential death eater. He tried to signal Lucius with his eyes. Explain that he was sorry. None of this was worth the meagre freedom of an elf that routinely had stolen his mail.

LUCIUS: Scared, Potter? I'm in need of a new servant. And I've heard... rumblings... about you and Albus.

He laughed. Calmly. Then tickled Harry with his wand. Harry, had he not been magically incapacitated, would have erupted with laughter.

LUCIUS: [smiles wryly] Luckily you still have another sock. I'll make an elf of you yet, boy.

And though Harry's cheeks were a mystically frosted blue. Lucius could see the faintest signs of a blush breaking through. "Excellent" he thought, "Slytherin may just win a house cup yet".

[Anonymous No.17821498]

>A fine mess you've made of it again, Albus. You ask us for funds to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher and you hire some celebrity with no pedagogic training. Fine! Good publicity and all that.
>Then you fire him and hire a werewolf. Fine! Shows we're all very inclusive and if a few students get bit, well, there's no helping a few every now and again.
>Then you fire him and hire one of my loose cannons. More than fine, he'll do less damage with you.
>But why, Albus? WHY do you keep asking me to send you new midgets? What do you do with them all? I've lost count of how many midgets we've kidnapped, mind-wiped and made believe they're called "Lippetit"
>Lippetit, Albus. Why?

[Anonymous No.17821534]

>Ron shuffled his feet uncomfortably as he stared at them, hands tangled in a worried knot
>"What the fuck you doin' Weasley?! You better not be looking away from them!",yelled Malfoy as he stroked his rock hard member as it protruded proudly from his wizarding robes.
>Ron glanced up sheepishly to see Harry vigorously pounding Hermione from behind on the Gryffindor commons table.
>Harry looked over his shoulder at his friend with a slight grin on his face.
>"C'mon Ron", Harry grunted in between his rapid thrusts, "no need to be coy. Take it all in."
>As he plowed deeper and deeper into Hermione's beet red pussy he looked over at Dumbledore, himself deeply entranced in the act taking place before him.
>"I much prefer this Chamber of Secrets to the other, professor!" Harry exclaimed.
>"FOCUS BOY!" Hissed Professor Snape, rubbing the tip of his precum glazed penis with his thumb.
>"You're just like your father. He could never take a proper inter-house fuck train seriously either."
>The look on Dumbledore's face lightened somewhat as Harry's thrusts became quicker.
>"You getting your vinegars, young mister Potter?" Dumbledore asked in his usual, calm tone
>Harry didn't have time to respond before he began to ejaculate wildly deep inside of Hermione's slick cunt.
>Falling over her back, he licked the sweat from her skin and gazed up at the clock.
>"Twenty-one minutes... looks like a new house record." Harry muttered out in gasping breaths.
>Snape's dick began to go limp.
>Dumbledore, slapping Harry on the back, exclaimed, "50 points for Gryffindor."
>Ronald looked back down at his feet, tears welling in his eyes.
>Malfoy looked over at Dumbledore and yelled, "He cheated! There must have been a spell or some such!"
>Tucking his willy back into his robe he stormed passed Snape and over to the common room door.
>"My father will hear of this", Malfoy whispered as he stormed out of the room.

[Anonymous No.17821538]

>Seamus was surprised when the door to the decrepit house on Godric's Hollow creaked open.

>"Been a long time, Harry." Seamus said, side stepping over chocolate frogs and jelly beans of every flavor that littered the floor.

>"What are you doing here, Seamus?" The bloated figure of the one-time hero croaked.

>"You know why, Harry. He's back. Voldemort." A sweet scent filled Seamus's nose. Bottles of luck littered the floor, all of them empty. "They don't work on the dead, Harry. Luck won't help Ron or Hermoine. But this will." Seamus revealed a .50 cal, belt fed full auto wand with a red dot sight and front grip H&K 5 Billion and One Rhino horn wand.

>"It's time to get back on the Thestrel."

[Anonymous No.17821561]

Ok, this has been driving me crazy for six novels now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Here's why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol' American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it--you're looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

[Anonymous No.17821575]

“HARRYDIDYOUMASTURBATEINTTOTHEGOBLETTOFFIRE!??!” Dumbledore said calmly with a wank.

“No”, said Harry. He was aware of everybody watching him closely. Snape made a soft noise of impatient disbelief as Harry’s snake went flaccid.

“My, my! Cum to my office, this instant!” exclaimed Snape. As Harry followed him to the dark Slytherin dungeons, he looked back at the mess he made. The goblet was unrecognizable, once gold and glimmering, but now white as winter’s snow. He gasped as he saw Dumbledore gulp down its contents at once.

“Ahhh better than butterbeer! Dilly dilly!”, shouted Dumbledore.

“Dilly dilly!”, everyone repeated.

As Harry and Snape finally reached the dank office, they were surprised. There sat the caretaker Argus Filch who looked at the both of them with lusty eyes, licking his lips and maintaining eye contact. Harry didn’t know what he was in for. He wanted to get out of there at once and find Ron so they could both masturbate into another goblet in his dormitory.

Snape now closed the enormous double doors of his office and looked back.

“Now Potter”, he whispered, “it’s time to slytherin.” And Harry knew what was to be done.

[Anonymous No.17821607]

“Excellent!” Dumbledore called happily as at last the tumult died down. “Well, we now have our three champions. I am sure I can count upon all of you, including the remaining students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, to give your champions every ounce of support you can muster. By cheering your champion on, you will contribute in a very real —”

But Dumbledore suddenly stopped speaking, and it was apparent to everybody what had distracted him.

The fire in the goblet had just turned red again. Sparks were flying out of it. A long flame shot suddenly into the air, and borne upon it was another piece of parchment.

Automatically, it seemed, Dumbledore reached out a long hand and seized the parchment. He held it out and stared at the name written upon it. There was a long pause, during which Dumbledore stared at the slip in his hands, and everyone in the room stared at Dumbledore. Dust motes in the afternoon sunlight seemed to stand still. Dumbledore cleared his throat and read out —

“Nigger.”

[Anonymous No.17821702]

>There are all kinds of courage," said Dumbledore, smiling. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
>"HOWEVER!" Dumbledore bellowed calmly as he stretched his legs and strode over to Neville Longbottom
>"Snitches get stitches Avada Kedavra"

[Anonymous No.17821710]

Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? You asked one of the older students to do it for you?
I'm not fucking around, Harry. CRUCIO! How do you like that, huh?
DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!
HARRY!!! HARRY!!! STOP CRYING! You are doing this to yourself. Just answer my goddamn question.
CRUCIO! SECTUMSEMPRA!
Harry, this is gonna get real ugly for you real quick.
DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?! DID YOU ASK ONE OF THE OLDER STUDENTS TO DO IT FOR YOU?
EXPULSO!
Ok, that does it. Minerva! Bring me Ron Weasley...
...So, Harry. Care to answer now?... No?...
AVADA KEDAVRA!!! AND THERE GOES RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY!!! THAT'S ON YOU!
STOP CRYING, HARRY!!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! MINERVA, BRING GINNY WEASLEY!!!
I'M ASKING YOU AGAIN, HARRY!!! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!
STILL NO ANSWER?? JUST SOBBING??
AVADA KEDAVRA!!! GUESS THAT'S THE END OF ROMANCE, THEN!
ACCIO W88!!!!!
OK HARRY LAST CHANCE BEFORE I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS FOR GOOD!!!
DID!!!! YOU!!!! PUT!!!! YOUR!!!! NAME!!!! IN!!!! THE!!!! GOBLET!!!! OF!!!! FIRE???!!!
...
WELL HARRY, I GUESS THAT'S GONNA BE IT THEN
REDUCT-

[Anonymous No.17821734]

HARRY
DID YOU JUST IMPLY THAT TRANNIES ARE ACTUAL WOMEN?
TEN THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR

[Anonymous No.17821765]

>>17816410
Best one

[Anonymous No.17821774]

>"POTTER! WHAT'S THIS I'M HEARING ABOUT YOU USING DARK ARTS? MCGONAGALL TELLS ME YOU'VE INVENTED YERSELF A NEW SPELL! WHAT'S THAT YOU CALL IT? UNASSIGNO? AND NOW I'M GETTING REPORTS THAT OUR VALID AND RESPECTED TRANS STUDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR GENITAL SURGERY UNDONE! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR NOW, POTTAH! HOW ABOUT I TINKER WITH YER BIOLOGY NOW! TRISOMIUS! THAT'S THE DOWNS FER YOU, BOY! REASSIGNO! THERE GOES YER TWIG AND ACORNS!" Dumbledore yelled calmly.

[Anonymous No.17821798]

I'd love to kick Professor Flitwick in the head. Just take a few steps run up then catch him with the full force of my steel capped toe under his chin, send that little faggot flying through the air.

As he lay on the floor, coughing and wheezing and choking on his own blood, jaw a mangled mess of bone fragments detached from the rest of his skull, I'd stand over him and laugh wickedly. He'd look up at me in terror and pain, his stubby hands searching for his wand, his eyes begging me for mercy. He'd find none. Then I'd raise my boot and stomp down, splitting his skull like a melon and finally ending his pathetic little charms career.

[Anonymous No.17821799]

>>17821734
...Dumbledore ejaculated calmly

[Anonymous No.17821829]

>OH YES, MAGONNAGAL, PLEASE BE ASSURED, MY ENEMA WENT MOST SMOOTHLY
>SO IF YOU PLEASE, DILATE YOUR THROAT SO I MAY USE YOU AS MY DOLL OF SORTS, FOR MY BROTHER... EVER SO KIND TO ME, NEVER LET ME THROAT HIM WITH THIS HOG OF MINE
>SO MAGONNAGEL, LASTLY, I WISH TO CONVEY TO YOU MY PRIDE IN MY ABILITY TO TURN A PHRASE, SO I AMMEND MY ORIGINAL STATEMENT TO THIS:
>SNEED WILL ALWAYS FEED THOSE WHO NEED IT

[Anonymous No.17821838]

>>17815271
Can't take anyone serious, that thinks Ayn Rand is anything other than pure dogshit

[Anonymous No.17821840]

>>17817655
>steamink stink stew
>brown bowel bew
>putrid poop potion
>cankerous colon concoction
>fecal fountain fountered

[Anonymous No.17822405]

>>17815271
gr8 b8 m8

[Anonymous No.17823523]

>>17815084
Not slytherin, not slytherin, not slytherin, not slytherin, not slytherin,

[Anonymous No.17823850]

Harry potter is for old people

[Anonymous No.17824978]

Well done Slytherin, well done Slytherin indeed. Yes, I must say you have all done exceedingly well. All the professors at this fine school have given your cohort shining praise this academic year. Why, Professor Sprout even informs me you have a particular knack for Herbology. Wondrous! As you well know, Hogwarts was founded in the 10th century, and since then has fostered continual generations of magical excellence. Your focus on your studies has made it clear you have the aptitude to follow in their footsteps. Why, unbelievably, you even outperformed Ravenclaw, a house handpicked for their academic prowess by a sentient hat. I can think of no higher test of said prowess then that.

It's clear then that your thirst for knowledge, your studiousness, your desire to shape the world and to uphold hallowed traditions that we have held since before the colonisation of the New World, will lead you to become the leaders of a bright and shining future!

However...

I have decided to award last minute points to my favourite house, and the most beautiful boy in the school, Harold Potter. I'm aware this is completely absurd. The academic year has already ended, and all I'm doing is replacing points I took from them earlier for breaking rules. I know I am now awarding him points for breaking more rules. I don't care. You can deal with it. So, to ms Hermione Granger, who showed great intellect (even though my flawless system of using a sentient hat didn't sort her into the house for that kind of thing) I award her 50 points. Also I think she's going to grow up into quite the piece of ass, don't you? Ten more for that. 60 points! Oh don't look at me like that Miss Granger, if you don't like the truth write a blog, make a speech or something.

For the poor redhead, I don't know, 50 points also, for playing chess good, and loyalty I guess. (why he's not in team yellow, I'm not sure, ask the hat I let make decisions for me) Yes, I know chess isn't part of our curriculum.

[Anonymous No.17824990]

Why just this morning I observed young Master Malfoy painting an exquisite landscape. That seems just as valid an extracurricular. If I wasn't senile I'd award him points too.

Ok, now for mr Potter! The man of the hour, and the cause of the tent in my silken trousers. Oh yes Potter, yes, don't by shy, we'll talk about your chamber of secrets after the feast. For the heroics of breaking every rule I set, and beating a set of challenges an 11 year old could easily be expected to overcome, that for some reason guarded the most vital item in my one man illegal war against a dead man, I'll give him six million points. That's right, read them and weep. Six. Million. Not it's ok when Gryffindors lie cheat and steal. Sit down Severus. SIT DOWN. That's better.

Yes now that seems to put Gryffindor into the lead. Now as for Long…bottom? Stupid name. He got petrified and has been that way ever since. He's in the hospital wing now. I don't know, a point? For loyalty…again? I mean that's a Hufflepuff trait, and honestly so is retardation and he just took it. Ok, order one, he's in the remedial class with you mouthbreathers in the basement if he pulls through. Order two, Gryffindor wins. Wonderful house Gryffindor, did I ever mention I'm an alumni? I went on to do great things with my courage, like try to subjugate Europe with my fascistic homosexual lover. Oh what's that, I never bring him up? Oh well, mighty skillfull in the sack, and a good friend to boot. Ok, that seems to be everything? Oh yes. Ahem...


FUCK! SLYTHERIN!

[Anonymous No.17825880]

>>17824978
>>17824990

[Anonymous No.17825894]

>>17815084
>>17815110
>>17816702
is it possible
A TERF
made this thread?
...
...
...
that's a
MASSSSSIVE
Y I K E S
from me, not gonna lie...
This. TERFs are cringe.

[Anonymous No.17825912]

Harry Potter is okay

[Anonymous No.17825914]

>>17815084
HP is overall cringe (I preferred Percy Jackson) but roll for aryan slytherin

[Anonymous No.17826341]

>>17825914
/lit/ is a Charlie Bone board, friend

[Anonymous No.17826461]

>>17825914
you got it all wrong. aryans are gryffindor. the jews are slytherin.

[Anonymous No.17826466]

If this thread lasts much longer without deletion I will write some scat/messing content based on Rowling's description of what they did at Hogwarts before indoor plumbing.

[Anonymous No.17826481]

Sorting hat. I need to know...

[Anonymous No.17828230]

Its just all so tiring. Every year we go through the same old routine. Assigning houses, handing out points. And for what? They keep coming, Minerva. Every time I look out and see those sea of brown faces I think to myself, is this what my father died for in the wizarding wars? So muds and bucks can come into my school? And you know whats worse than the niggers, M? Its the school board, they expect me to give fair treatment, they expect me to teach the monkey man magic. I'm not a miracle worker, no magic can teach the farm equipment how to be a white man. Race is the most powerful magic of all, Minerva, we both know that. One day I hope a rain will come and cleanse our school of these dark wizards. On that day I will open the gates and welcome the charge.

[Anonymous No.17828533]

>>17815238
god that pissed me off when my wife wanted to watch the american wizard movie.
Why the fuck didn't the usa wizards use guns along with magic?