Critique my first page

[scifigeek No.1755710]

I awoke in the middle of the ocean. My life vest deflating. Bodies all around me. A million miles away from home. I kicked frantically to keep afloat in a sea of blood. Pain ripped through my shoulder. I grabbed a floater. His face torn off. Lucky bastard.

Pings began popping up from panicked survivors. I kept quiet. We’d been caught mid air. That means either someone tipped the enemy off, or they caught our wetwire transmissions. I don’t need a giant arrow pointing at me while I’m a sitting duck. Again.

I worked the vest off the body and let Private Daniels sink. A body started to stir. I made it to him before he pinged. I signalled radio silence. He looked around at all the pings, but obeyed the order. Oakleaves - Major. He outranked me.

He waited until I was well within ear shot and, being careful not to trigger his wetware, said, “Soldier, report.”

I awoke in my bed. Sweat dripping off of me. Just another night. I’m not a soldier anymore. Career wise, at least. My wife still doesn’t know I have these dreams. At least I hope not. I’m not sure how I would go about explaining my dreaming of Major Richardson every night.

“Captain, report to the bridge,” repeated the ship’s AI in a feminine voice. I still refuse to think of it as a woman. It’s based on Oryc software, so it’s more doe than woman. Their engineers did their best to mimic humans in their AI’s, but they still seem to think we can see to our rear left and right at the same time without receiving a devastating cranial split.

“Captain, please report,” said the AI again as I was finding my uniform pants in the dark.

Carolyn pulled the pillow over her head and half-shouted at me, “Get the fuck out John.”

[scifigeek No.1755733]

bump, would love some /lit/erary's advice

[Anonymous No.1755746]

I like it.
-Stellos

[scout !!1wBNr3mLJL+ No.1755747]

I really like how this is going, so you should keep going. Is his wife a bitch or what?

[Anonymous No.1755754]

>>1755747
That's not his wife, that's Richardson's widow.

[scout !!1wBNr3mLJL+ No.1755758]

>>1755754
did i not get the joke or something?

[scifigeek No.1755760]

>>1755747

His wife's the bitch with a heart of gold type of character. She'd be like Red from That 70's show when she's older.

[Anonymous No.1755762]

Some of the sentences seem distractingly clipped. You can probably throw a comma in here and there to make it easier to read without losing the sense of urgent flashes of observation.

[scifigeek No.1755774]

Carolyn pulled the pillow over her head and half-shouted at me, “Get the fuck out John.”

[Cont...]

I felt loved.

“Captain-” started the AI again. I snapped my fingers at the nearest camera array like I would my dog if it had one of my slippers. I could almost imagine it sitting down and shutting up like a little Beagle. Although, it’s Oryc software so it probably looks more like a rabbit.

“Report,” I said as the bedroom door closed behind me. I thought briefly of Major Richardson again. It’s funny, I’d been told to report a million times since recruitment - okay, a mild exaggeration - but being in the ocean on the Strix homeworld has made that word haunt me for the better part of two-decades.

“We are entering orbit around Minos and have been contacted by the Atelerix defence forces in the system. This is your operation, sir. I thought you would want to explain it to them,” said the AI. I got the feeling that it wasn’t happy about my plan. All I need is a pissy AI running my ship.

I always got the uncomfortable feeling that I was being squeezed through a tube when I was in the ships’ elevators. Technically I was, which didn’t help at all, but few people felt the compression field that shrank the elevator the two-millimeters or whatever needed to allow it free movement.

“Captain on deck,” said acting-Commander Jenkins. Commander Ogilvy had passed away from an aneurysm his pre-flight had failed to diagnose. Since then Commander Jenkins had been fulfilling his role, and she had been doing a more than adequate job.

“Put the Atelerix through,” I said, taking position on deck.

“Affirmative, sir,” said the Lieutenant on comms.

The Atelerix Lower Rear Admiral did not look happy to see me. His brow was pinched quite severely, and his quills were raising on his forehead. He did not look like one happy porcupine. “Captain, may I respectfully remind you that time is of the essence here.”

[scifigeek No.1755781]

>>1755762

Thanks, I'm guessing you mean right in the opening and you're probably right. It was verbose in the beginning and I felt I had to hack and slash, but likely went too far.

If you meant elsewhere too, could you point out where. Second pair of eyes always helps.

[Anonymous No.1755782]

Fuck your shit.

Sorry. It might be good, but it's not for me.

[Anonymous No.1755788]

>>1755782
To add to this, too many fragments.

[scifigeek No.1755797]

>>1755788

No need to say sorry, not everyone likes everything.

>>1755782

Thanks for critiquing though. Two words from an actual reader means a lot more to me than waiting 3 months for an agent to even look at my shit.

[scout !!1wBNr3mLJL+ No.1755803]

Wtf I never read this type of shit but for some reason I'm really enjoying it. One question, though, I always wonder why the AI characters have to be AI, and not just another person--like an adviser or something. I guess, there are specific things an actual person couldn't do like be everywhere all the time, etc. BUT, whenever I read about AI I always start thinking too much about whether AI is possible (don't get me wrong, I let it go if i'm into the story) and I wonder, is it really necessary to have this AI character be the technical specialist or could it not be a person? Maybe you have some reason in the rest of the story, though.

[scifigeek No.1755833]

>>1755803

As of yet I don't know if the AI is going to play a bigger story role (going rogue or something) so it might be worth cutting the AI for another character to play up another theme.

I don't want to go cliche and have an AI just for being 'sci-fi' as I could swap it up and play up a racism theme. Glad you're liking it though.

[Anonymous No.1755840]

>>1755781

Yeah, just the first three paragraphs, really. Maybe the fifth, too.

[scifigeek No.1755847]

>>1755840

Thanks, I'll mark them up for when I go through editing again.

[scifigeek No.1755889]

The Atelerix Lower Rear Admiral did not look happy to see me. His brow was pinched quite severely, and his quills were raising on his forehead. He did not look like one happy porcupine. “Captain, may I respectfully remind you that time is of the essence here.”

[Cont...]

He was right. The Sentinel would arrive soon, and coordination is going to be key. I wouldn’t let him know he’s right though. For today, the Rear Admiral and his fleet is reporting to me. “I understand that time is of a concern to you Rear Admiral. The Confederation Council is confident things will go well.”

“With all due respect Captain, you won’t have to deal with the aftermath of today. I will,” said the Atelerix. His quills were slowly creeping higher. It’s sometimes hard to tell with the Atelerix whether they’re pissed off or afraid. Today, it could well be either.

“Our AI will transmit the intended fleet pattern for the operation. Ensure your ships are in position well in advance of The Sentinels arrival,” I said in full knowledge that he didn’t have much time to fulfill his orders thanks to the delays in dealing with the Council.

“Affirmative,” said the Rear Admiral closing the channel.

I smiled to myself as I suppressed a quip I would have ordinarily said, had I not been appointed an almost brand new crew I probably would have said it. New ship, new crew. Technology changed so fast that it was often easier to replace than to retrain. Thankfully commanding hadn’t changed in millenia. I still have a copy of The Art of War and The Book of Five Rings on my Whisper account.

“What’s the ETA on The Sentinel?” I said, looking at one of the screens that showed the system map.

“Twenty-eight minutes, fifty-two, one seconds, Captain,” said the AI.

I looked at Commander Jenkins, “Ensure our inbound ships arrive into their holding pattern.”

[Anonymous No.1755905]

Basically what the others have said, there's some fragmenting problems, but having said that there's also some really nice flourishes in this piece.

Doesn't come off as your standard ham-fisted approach to sci-fi.

[scout !!1wBNr3mLJL+ No.1755909]

>>1755889
Yeah I'm still readinglol. The thing is, you might get some beef from the more "sci-fi" savvy. I don't know what is or isn't "good" in sci-fi lit, but I do think you have a very nice writing style--it's clear, and the pacing keeps me interested. I think that if you're going to use AI you are going to have to try to really innovate it so it doesn't just become unnecessary or rip off 2001. I think there are a lot of possibilities, but it would take a lot of research and development to make it interesting. Some pretty good characterization too, I feel a good amount of investment for having read just this little bit.

[scifigeek No.1756114]

>>1755909
> there's also some really nice flourishes in this piece

Thank you, that's definitely nice to hear!

>>1755905

Was thinking while doing groceries, I'm probably going to drop the AI as the main antagonist is going to be a machine race. Basically a Roomba designed by an ancient (IE older than earth) race to keep civilization from destroying their environments by enforcing 'preserve' areas on planets.

The Sentinels aren't AI as they're not intelligent, but having two essential machine races could be confusing as I'm not trying to explore the ethics of AI. So the ship AI is going to be dropped.

Thanks for the input, I'd have probably had a major edit without that.

[scout !!1wBNr3mLJL+ No.1756139]

>>1756114
Cool, I think the direction you're taking it will be more satisfying and less typical. I don't think the ship's AI is such a bad idea (maybe it could just play a smaller role, and not be introduced so early on?) but yeah keep writing man I think you have some talent for it.

[Anonymous No.1756249]

so far so good, I like the short sentences, they add gravitas and convey some of the protagonists character. They may get a little tedious after a while though.
If AI was that much a part of your life, you probably wouldn't give it too much thought. When was the last time you had similar thoughts about your phone?
I also like the way you start the story in the missle of an action sequence, it shows that you are crediting your audience with some intelligence. Publishers look for an early hook that draws readers into a story. No one gives a fuck about the soldiers troubled childhood, they want to see him shooting the bad aliens and fucking the good ones. (The J T Kirk method)

[Anonymous No.1756322]

Comes across as Mass Effect fanfic