/wg/-Writing General

[Anonymous No.17553969]

Post your work and get feedback

For Prose:
>The Art of Fiction
>Story Genius: How to Use Brain Science to Go Beyond Outlining and Write a Riveting Novel (Before You Waste Three Years Writing 327 Pages That Go Nowhere)
>On Becoming A Novelist
>Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft
>How Fiction Works
>The Rhetoric of Fiction
>Steering the Craft

For Poetry:
>The Poetry Home Repair Manual
>Western Wind: An Introduction to Poetry

Related Material:
>What Editors Do
>A Student's Introduction to English Grammar
>Garner's Modern English Usage

Suggested books on storytelling:
>The Weekend Novelist
>Aristotle's Poetics
>Hero With a Thousand Faces
>Romance the Beat

Suggested books on getting your fucking work done you lazy piece of shit:
>Deep Work
>Atomic Habits

Traditional publishing
> Formatting manuscript
https://blog.reedsy.com/manuscript-format/
> Write a query
https://www.janefriedman.com/query-letters/
> Track your query
https://querytracker.net/

Other Resources
>General grammar/syntax/editing help
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/purdue_owl.html
> When/where/how should I write?
https://jamesclear.com/daily-routines-writers
> What software should I write with?
https://self-publishingschool.com/book-writing-software-best/
> Amazon Publishing to make that KDP monie
https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/help/topic/G200635650
> Be like Charles Dickens and write serially
https://www.royalroad.com/
> Basic overview of the Screenplay format
https://screenwriting.info/

[Anonymous No.17554865]

>>17553969
Fuck off

[Anonymous No.17555235]

How many words did you write today?

[Anonymous No.17555248]

Finna turn in a 300 word essay tomorrow. y'all literature niggas, I could really be usin ur help.

[Anonymous No.17555348]

I'll leave a critique of somebody else's once somebody else posts

what do you think of this
>In the jungle there lives a creature never seen anywhere else on Earth before. At night it uncoils itself and slides out of its dark and muddy habitation, crawling along the ground all splayed and bandy-legged. It moves fast and light, leaving tracks in the mud and in the sand along the banks of the tiny streams. It crawls under the bushes and the ferns and over the moss and the rocks. It comes down the mountain to the river and it slips into the water smoothly and paddles to the other side of the bank and it slides out as quickly as it got in. it crawls through the open fields under the moon and the stars and the grasses sway gently in the breeze. It finally comes to a village, crawling past the marking stones, through the crude streets, past the open empty doorways of the adobe houses. It turns and climbs into the doorway of one house and it stops and sniffs the air. There is no sound except the breeze and the gentle breathing of those sleeping inside. It crawls through the door, a dark silhouette against the gentle shadows. It crawls to the corner, to the cradle, and it crawls up and in and perches on the headboard. The baby stirs. The creature grins to itself in the dark and coils itself up and leaps and sinks its teeth into the infant’s neck. The infant does not stir and will not wake up again. The blood flows freely into the folds of the blanket and the creature laps it up. When it is full, it leaves the way it came. Through the door, down the street, into the fields. When it comes to the river it stops and looks; a gray light to the East. It crosses the river and follows the tracks it had left an hour ago, back to the its hole high in the mountains. It crawls in and goes back to sleep as the sun first appears over the Eastern horizon.

[Anonymous No.17555427]

>>17553969

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17555462]

Hey anons, what’s your favorite aesthetic to write in? What’s the imagery that seems to always be where your mind goes to?

[Anonymous No.17555468]

I'd like to write pulp short stories with preexisting public domain characters. What are some good places to submit those?

[Anonymous No.17555554]

The first sentence sounds better to me without the "before". I also read it as if the creature was a snake, and I did not find much in it's description that suggested something unknown. The creature's grin to itself in the dark took away some of its creepiness

Overall, I liked it. The mood is creepy and engaging. The descriptions of the actions are all well done. "It moves fast" till the baby eating flows smooth. Also enjoyed how quickly the snake left compared to the extensive step by step detail of how it came in.

[Anonymous No.17555571]

>>17555348
>>17555554
Meant to tag. Fuck, if I had tagged, the extra second would have gotten me 555555

[Anonymous No.17555666]

>>17555462
I'm a shut-in so most of my stories happen in a room.

[Anonymous No.17555667]

>>17555462
For some reason I always think of the scenes I'm writing as a kind of weird abstract cartoon and characters or objects in the scene are very flat and simple, compared to thinking of it realistically. I guess it helps me visualize and simply what the most important thing happening at any time is. I know this is heretical but I also think of it like a movie: cuts, long takes, dialog scenes, establishing shots, that kind of thing.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17555676]

>>17555667
Oh dude there’s nothing wrong with either of those if those are your aesthetic. The primary imagery and atmosphere has got to be something you yourself likes. If you don’t like it, who will?

[Anonymous No.17555691]

>>17555666
Does that room happen to be filled with fire and brimstone?

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17555714]

Wrote this rough draft up after watching taxi driver, tried to copy the feel and flavor. I know I know spelling errors and the like.
Night walkers


I like it when it rains, washes away the filth, whenever it rains I make up some excuse to get out of the house and drive, it’s the only time these streets aren’t covered in filth. Dope pushers, prostitutes, addicts, freaks of all kind. They all seem to fade away when it rains.

Just me, the rain and the city lights. Before I came here I used to walk around a lot at night, but doing that here’s a quick way of leaving you robbed and dead in some back alley, I learned that the first night I tried walking these streets.

I just got to the city and wanted to get my bearing, I was near Central Park and thought it would be a perfect walk you know? First thing I see on 6th Avenue is this pack of ghetto punk ass niggers smoking pot while their whore shouted something about her kids, but it wouldn’t be the last bunch of freaks I saw.

Just as I hit West 59th Street you know what I fucking see? A bald woman covered head to toe with piercings and tattoos with a deformed nose, shouting about how we’re in another dimension or some bullshit, she screamed something like “I know you man I know you, you need to help me help me help me” makes my skin crawl scum like that is allowed to walk these streets.

I finally get to Central Park and I walk in, ya know it’s a beautiful scene, the long winding road illuminated by just a few lights and you can see all of the trees and benches, pigeons and squirrels, that kind of crap.

And it’s going good until I see in the corner just barely in the light in between some trees two bums helping each other with their crack or dope I don’t fucking know it was bad man, they were filthy, I could see the nearly toothless smile of the guy holding the pipe when he saw me. I couldn’t take it anymore and just rushed over there and slammed their goddamned heads into the ground and I’m not sorry that I did it either, rat fucking degenerate bastards. So my night is ruined,
I begin to walk home and I hear some kind of yelling from behind me, I see that ugly pack of pot head niggers shouting at me, I’m not a fool so I run out of there, back alley to back alley, past union square and I finally know I’m almost home when I see a mural, I drove past the mural four or five times before but I never much paid it any kind. I usually hate graffiti but sitting here it was something nice to look at.


Cont

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17555724]

>>17555714
It was a nice and clean spray painting of a cabin in a dark heavy woods, real lush, real pristine. But something about it was off, I couldn’t tell what, I saw there was the big trees, a little lake in the background, the creeping of a sunrise far off, and the house, that was where the problem was.

The house was always painted as dark, no one living in it I’d guess but I didn’t really think about it before. I guess one of those punks must have painted it over and put some light in and some other details.

Light, everyone should love the light, being clean, people only come out at night because they’re afraid everyone will see what they’re doing in the light, they know they’re wrong. As sick of them as I am they gotta be more sick of themselves, I mean they gotta know the second they become freaks and night walkers their life is over, there’s no getting them back.

But I guess as that thought was in my head I began to wonder why was I always a night walker? What am I after? I mean I look at myself and the only thing I want is to be who I am, a man.

But I mean, what is a man? It’s light, it’s like that light but it’s just just that cabin light or that coming sun rise, it’s both. A real Man’s gotta shine for himself and gotta clean up others.

What’s it mean to be a man? To be manly? i think everyone wants to be the Hero, the carrier of the light, the clean one who’s not clean because he’s innocent, no his cleanness is like that light, when it touches the darkness, destroys the darkness. A real man takes what he wants, possesses, his eyes look and penetrate both of the interior, trying to find the depth and bottom of ones self but also at the first of the world, and that man has to enforce his will and meaning upon the world, a real man isn’t corrupt, isn’t taken by others, he wants to look into the darkness, but not to be overwhelmed or taken by it, but to slay it, conquer it, the filth doesn’t stain it, he’s like bleach, like acid, this world devours a man because it’s built on the backs of real men but that means it has to crush the backs of real men in order to survive.

It doesn’t want you to be a man, it doesn’t want you to not be a man either. It wants you to be its man, its hero, but not for yourself, for itself, to make sure it can keep going as it wants.

It’s rotten to the core. Why should I protect and help something so ugly, so terrible? I guess

Cont

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17555731]

>>17555724
Being a man is being protective, saying “because I Will and i care these things are me and mine, you can’t mess with them without messing with me.” whether it be friend, family, city, God or any thing, and because a man has put his will into it, his light, if that thing he cares about is destroyed, his will is destroyed, his manhood is destroyed. That’s why you gotta protect what you love in this world.

The core of the man is Will, Will to see himself in others, the impure is when he sees himself as lost, not shining, not clean, not reflected, the man’s soul is shattered when he sees impurity in himself because he can no longer see himself. That’s what it means to be a lost soul, that’s what those people were, they’re lost, they’ve lost or given themselves to the night, to the lowlife. They’re not even alive.

How can man a see himself not just in himself but in the world? How can you find your own light out there? Where am I outside?, except in negation and annihilation, except in violence and in conflict, except in conflict? Where is the mirror of my soul in another?

I guess the question is care, a man has to care or he isn’t a man, if he doesn’t care he doesn’t grab on to anything in this world, a measure of a man has to be how much of this world he tries to grab not to rule over but to protect, defend, make clean.

That’s what a man is, the second you stop caring your will, your light becomes dead. And if you don’t care at all your own light dies inside, you give yourself to the horrible night.

I won’t do that, I will care, I will care I will care.

So I woke myself out of my trance and remembered it’s just a shitty mural and went home but the next day I signed up for all these programs, you know, soup kitchens, charities that kind of shit, whenever I see these night walkers again I try to talk to them or help them in some way, I care and won’t let the filth get inside me, I’ll clean as much of it as I can. I’ll feed those bastards, I’ll protect them. That’s what being a man is about, making the world as clean as your conscience

[I have a loo for poo No.17555747]

क्या आप मेरा भूरे लोगों ki सेना का बुद्धिजीवी क्लब में हिस्सा लेंगे

[Anonymous No.17555757]

>>17555248
>300 word essay
I write more in short-answer exam questions than that. Under 18s are not allowed here.

[Anonymous No.17555782]

BASED OP SAVING WG
FUCK VTUBERS
FUCK JANNIES

[Anonymous No.17555842]

>>17553969
Where's the booba

[Anonymous No.17555860]

I just started this today. Really I want to know if what I can write is even worth building into something more significant. I'd welcome any constructive criticism. Will respond to others in next post.

In the warm peace and serenity of the summer afternoon, the steady sound of footsteps echoed through the cobbled streets of Sorrento. The heat glimmered and rose from the cobblestone, an occasional light breeze causing it to sway as it slowly dissipated upwards. Distant, otherworldly sounds of motorbike engines and boats mooring floated through the air, appearing and fading as if suspended in a dream of someone far away, and houses with walls of sun-bleached of yellow and salmon pink bathed along the seafront, as light wispy clouds gently rolled through the sky. Gradually, the footsteps slowed to a halt. In polished brown leather shoes, sandy cotton trousers and a crisp white linen shirt, Jean took a moment to survey the unassuming entrance of the bar at which he had arrived, before ducking his head under the entrance, and stepping inside. His walk through the town had taken him longer than he had planned for, though he knew his companion would be late anyway. Without checking his watch, he went to the bar and ordered a martini. In the corner of the room, a group of old men had pulled seats around a wall-mounted TV, which, through some interference, was showing a football match still in its first half. They sat together, sipping beers and making the occasional comment on their team’s performance. By the window, a young couple sat on either side of a small table, holding hands and looking out into the streets through the unblemished glass. Jean reclined into his chair, enjoying his drink. In many ways he cut an unassuming figure: not quite 6 feet tall, with an average frame and thinning hair, his arrival had done little to draw the attention of those inside the bar. Yet with his pristinely ironed clothes, effortless posture, and intelligent blue eyes, he had an air of dignity and confidence about him, and appeared a man totally at ease with himself, and the surrounding world. In this relaxed manner he waited for his companion, taking in the ambience. Some fifteen minutes later, the door of the bar swung open. Rhythmic, measured footsteps made their way to the seat beside him, and a woman’s voice, strong and smooth, pierced through the languor which had settled among the patrons. “I’ll have a vodka with ice, please”. As the waiter prepared her drink, the woman leant over and kissed John on the cheek.

“Hello, Aida”. Jean turned to face her. If he seemed to suit the casual décor of their surroundings, she brought out an otherwise unseen elegance in them. With flowing black hair, sharp green eyes, and a graceful, feminine figure, Aida’s presence commanded the attention of those around her in a way that Jean’s did not. Yet, taking a seat beside him in her black jacket, trousers, and shoes, the two appeared perfectly matched.

[Anonymous No.17555960]

>>17555782
>FUCK VTUBERS
yo wtf bruh?

[Anonymous No.17556030]

>>17555348
I think in the first sentence, the "before" isn't really needed. It sounds a bit more impactful without it.
Not sure "abode houses" makes sense, unless I'm not aware of the phrase. Usually abode is just a word for a house, so it's like saying "house houses".
I really like the way you describe it moving through the jungle, it seems very purposeful and lends itself to the sense of threat about it. I agree with the other poster in that the grin takes away from it's creepiness a bit. Surprisingly you seem to use and a lot, but it actually works... So well done. I like the description of the infants death, and the creature's return to its home. Good job :)

>>17555714
>>17555724
>>17555731
You do acknowledge that you tried to copy the feel and flavor of Taxi Driver, but I think the first sentence is taking a bit too much with the idea of washing the filth of the streets. That's kind of up to you though really.
The first "you know" seems a bit out of place when it comes. Everything before it is a lot more "straight" in how it's written, so it's a bit jarring to have it suddenly become a lot more conversational. I think it'd work well without the "you knows" in general.
The "it's light, it's like that light but it's just just that cabin light or that coming sun rise" is just a bit awkward at the start. It might be better with just "it's like that cabin light". I know it might change the meaning a bit, but to me you conveyed the idea of the cabin light being good and pure, without needing to mention a different light as well. (Unless that was a typo).
There's a few minor punctuation things but you'd be able to iron those out yourself.
You convey the inner conflict of the character quite well - I get the sense that as much as he's disgusted by all the freaks, he wants to see the beauty in the city. But he's so disillusioned he's almost reluctant to acknowledge it.
The two bums helping each other part was pretty funny.
I like the description of the mural, it's a nice moment after the violence and disgust, and it's a clever way of moving the story in a new direction.
The ending is very effective. You see that the character is still not quite at peace with his new approach / philosophy, but considering his earlier attitude you can only admire his efforts to try and help people. That final sentence is really good.

[Anonymous No.17556116]

>>17556030
pretty sure that one phrase in >>17555348 is "adobe" houses, not "abode" unless the writer meant to write "abode" instead of "adobe"

an "adobe house" is a house made of dried mud, kind of like pic related

[Anonymous No.17556233]

>>17556116
Loll you're right I misread it completely. Thanks

[Anonymous No.17556758]

>>17555757
Oh stop, prude.

[Anonymous No.17556798]

>>17556758
Dude's kinda right though. 300 words isn't an essay, it's a comment.

[Anonymous No.17556921]

How do I find beta readers? I'm revising my novel and I definitely don't trust myself alone.
The few friends I've shown my writing don't give much feedback usually just 'oh that's nice' or maybe something they consider a plot hole. I want somebody that's gonna red pen the shit out of it.
Local subreddit? Find some gay forums? For some reason I feel like having local ones or people I can meet in person will increase the quality of the feedback, but I don't know if that's actually true.

[Anonymous No.17556924]

>>17556798
If he’s kinda right then he’s kinda wrong. An essay is a short piece of writing on a particular topic. That’s what it is. A high schooler writes an essay as does a middle schooler. A comment is what you have written. This is the writing general, not the snob general.

[Anonymous No.17557294]

>>17556921
>How do I find beta readers?
You want the hard truth? You don't.

[Anonymous No.17557337]

>>17557294
...so, what do? Kms?

[Anonymous No.17557380]

>>17556921
I've heard that there are a lot of betas on /r9k/, you could get them to read it.

[Anonymous No.17557402]

>>17557337
No, just write. It's not like other people actually give useful feedback anyway. Literally every writer I know who consulted "beta readers" proceeded to change their story for the worse.

[Anonymous No.17557461]

>>17557402
Ehh, this is some bullshit. This is the realm of redditors who go off to make their cover art with certaintly that they'll be topping the ny times bestseller list.
Hemingway had a writers circle. Tolkien had the Inklings with CS Lewis. Dostoevsky attended literary groups. Fucking socrates hung out in the baths and bounced his ideas off the other naked boys.

[Anonymous No.17557483]

>>17557461
>Ehh, this is some bullshit.
One of my friends was writing a Symbolist and Surrealist short story and he went to ask for feedback from one of his award winning writer friends. This disgusting pseud - even when he had it explained to him - did not understand anything about my friend's intentions and kept criticising his word choice and "the lack of detail and worldbuilding" until my friend caved in and mangled his own story by shifting his focus from symbolism and theme to description. He even changed some crucial terms which were in the first placed supposed to provide the core of the symbolic value. While my friend is an extreme case, I have met tons of people who have introduced terrible changes to their work as a result of "feedback". If you want good feedback, you either need to have identical taste with the person you are consulting or he needs to be much better than you are at writing. One or the other.
>Hemingway had a writers circle. Tolkien had the Inklings with CS Lewis. Dostoevsky attended literary groups. Fucking socrates hung out in the baths and bounced his ideas off the other naked boys.
Go befriend a bunch of top grade Classicist writers, then. Lmao.

[Anonymous No.17557500]

/wg/, I'm going to suicide if I can't get my passion back

[Anonymous No.17557501]

>>17557500
>muh passion
just write retard

[Anonymous No.17557522]

>>17557461
Wasn’t Hemingway’s circle Fitzgerald, Joyce, Pound, Stein (for some time), Faulkner? I mean, yeah I’d take advice from writers of that calibre, but the odds of you having such a crowd at your local group are very low

[Anonymous No.17557523]

>>17557501
I have. I've written 150k on nothing but "just write" and it feels like shit because it took 2 years, came out badly and makes me wonder if my career has hit a dead end before it even began

[Anonymous No.17557534]

>>17557523
Poast screenshot.

[Anonymous No.17557561]

>>17557534

[Anonymous No.17557566]

>>17557483
>>17557522
I absolutely agree that most modern writers circles, especially the 'writers con' or monetized style ones are complete bullshit and circlejerks, but the concept that you should never hear any feedback is retarded.

[Anonymous No.17557569]

>>17557561
I was talking about the text but sure. From what I can see of these three lines your writing looks fine.

[Anonymous No.17557583]

>>17557569
I wasn't asking. thanks though

[Anonymous No.17557595]

>>17557566
Well I don't know about you anon, personally I have not benefited from feedback at all after my first three months of writing - though I should note that I was writing for like 12-16 hours a day at that time. For me, "feedback" was only useful as an ego boost and further motivation to write, rather than as informative constructive criticism. Who are you going to send you writing for feedback to and what are you going to get from it? The odds that you'll find a good writer who can give perfect feedback is basically nil. What about readers? They don't understand writing and most of them have shit taste so they don't understand reading either. A reader with great artistic taste can tell you if he enjoyed your work or not, but all you can figure out from that if you need to work on it more or not. Even that is contentious, since it could be a mere difference in preferences, taste and style, rather than a failure of quality.

[Anonymous No.17557603]

>>17557583
My point is that you are writing at an okay pace so I doubt your writing is "shit" or in other words you are probably exaggerating your problem. If you are looking to publish a novel then you've already written more than enough for that.

[Anonymous No.17557607]

>>17557566
Feedback is great. You need to interpret it correctly though, and use your own good judgement. I took a creative writing workshop once. Most lines that were disliked by one writer were liked by another. I didn't do anything with those. But if something in the story is not working for majority of its readers, the fuck up is very likely on you.

[Anonymous No.17557617]

>>17557603
what I'm looking for is to enjoy writing, and get the the thrill of thinking about it and telling a story

I wrote most of that feeling dead inside getting no pleasure from my effort

[Anonymous No.17557667]

>>17557617
I don't know if I can help you with that. Why did you enjoy your writing before, when did you stop enjoying it and why?

[Anonymous No.17557701]

I'm autistic as fuck and I'm incapable of writing anything due to not knowing shit about language in general. Is there such a thing of just giving someone a concept/idea and just let them write about it? Like, I just tell them "ok that works" and call it a day?

[Anonymous No.17557711]

>>17557701
first get into the habit of removing the word "just" from your sentences, unless it's the all caps version

[Anonymous No.17557718]

>>17557667
>Why did you enjoy your writing before
because I liked to create stories

>when did you stop enjoying it and why?
two years ago I changed jobs to something less interesting that paid better. that plus depression, plus associating writing with feeling nothing but the stress of writing ground my soul away to nothing

[Anonymous No.17557741]

>>17557718
>because I liked to create stories
Why did you like creating stories and why do you not like doing so anymore?
>two years ago I changed jobs to something less interesting that paid better. that plus depression
So you were both tired and sad. Understandable, but I wonder if it's the full story.
>plus associating writing with feeling nothing but the stress of writing ground my soul away to nothing
This doesn't just happen randomly. If in one moment you derive pleasure and pride from writing but the next you only see it as a form of job and a drain on your energy, then something has obviously changed. I had a similar episode when my central motivation to write was undermined. After that, I no longer enjoyed the task, so it became a "job" in a sense and I immediately grew sick of it. Sound familiar?

[Anonymous No.17557789]

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/37998/wish-mountain

[Anonymous No.17558010]

>>17553969
>"I am going to write tomorrow!"
>wake up at 2 PM
>do nothing
>spend like five hours on /lit
>spend like three hours playing vidya
>it's now 4:30 AM
>even if I go to bed RIGHT NOW I will wake up at 1 in the afternoon at the earliest
I am tired

[Anonymous No.17558248]

>>17558010
just write one sentence. think about what youre going to write concretely (not imagining the scenes, but the sentences) as youre doing other stuff.

[Anonymous No.17558281]

>>17558248
>think about what youre going to write concretely (not imagining the scenes, but the sentences) as youre doing other stuff.
This sounds like a bad idea. I should just sit down and write. IDK why things just don't seem to work out. I am sure it's my fault but I want things to work out.

[Anonymous No.17558415]

>>17558281
bcuz in your mind sitting down and writing is a big abstract thing rather than a small concrete thing which is how actually doing a thing starts as.

[Anonymous No.17558435]

>>17558415
You might be right. When I would just write instinctively I didn't even think about it. Now I plan writing days but nothing happens. Feelsbadman.

[Anonymous No.17558527]

>>17553969
Finally, an appropriate OP. We won /wg/.

[Anonymous No.17558532]

here with a draft, let me know what you think

[Anonymous No.17558590]

>>17558532
There are some interesting word choices here. Are you ESL?
Something worth mentioning is that you are attaching a lot of your environment description to description of action, like in the first sentence. Perhaps the following approach might be more convenient?
>"Two figures, a man and woman, walked down the country road. Only the clacking of shoes disrupted the deep silence between them."
Or something like that. IDK.
Also, it's difficult for me to keep track of your descriptive language, starting with the description of the shadows. It's difficult for me to imagine what I am reading, smoothly, as I read it. At times I am not sure what you are describing, like towards the end of the first paragraph.
I think what you will want to look into is improving your flow and using your vocabulary in more appropriate ways. Additionally, the way you describe action is dry. You need to breathe more life into it. The last sentence of your first paragraph and lines like "Check the address." seem very bland. In the second case it seems you want to convey the impression of quick and sequential action when viewed in combination with the other lines that follow, but you need to have strong transitions from line to line otherwise it feels awkward.

[Anonymous No.17558635]

>>17555860
I think it's a promising start. Your descriptions are nice- I especially admire the way you bring the bar to life.
Take the criticism with a grain of salt but personally I am not a huge fan of this line:
>In many ways he cut an unassuming figure:...
(Feels a bit too much like you're taking me away from what's going on, and telling as opposed to showing)
I also think that you could be a bit more a bit more economical in some of your descriptions, especially towards the beginning, which could help flow.
That said, having read it I am intrigued by Aida and interested in seeing how her dynamic with Jean pans out. Keep going.

[Anonymous No.17558697]

>>17558590
No, I'm not ESL.
"Check the address" is meant as dialogue. For what it's worth I've been reading a lot of Cormac McCarthy, who writes in a less conventional style, and doesn't use quotation marks for dialogue.
The sample was written partly in imitation of his style. Appreciate the thoughts, though. Definitely could use clearing up.

[Anonymous No.17558731]

>>17558697
I have never read McCarthy so I was just very confused.

[Anonymous No.17558828]

WTF there's no anime girl here it took me hours to find this thread

[Anonymous No.17558881]

>>17558828
There are 2 threads. Stay tuned, there is drama brewing.

[Anonymous No.17558909]

>>17558697
You can tell. There's too much McCarthy without McCarthy going on in there and it's off-putting.

[Anonymous No.17558939]

Why are so many things fun to read but extremely boring to write? I spent a lot of time planning this first chapter and I think the structure is very well polished insofar as reader experience is concerned, but I can't be bothered to write it. The idea of writing it bores me. It is off-putting. Not fun. Is it just a me problem? Are writers supposed to write things that are not fun to write, that are boring to write, that are dreadful to write? Or am I just missing something?

[Anonymous No.17558947]

what do you think of focuswriter?

[Anonymous No.17558959]

I‘m going to write a book worse than rupi kaur and it will make me rich as fuck and all of you will be so salty because i can just vomit crap and not care.

[Anonymous No.17558961]

>>17558947
it's perfect to get the job done. everything else is a distraction.

[Anonymous No.17558985]

>>17558939
Don't write boring text.

[Anonymous No.17558994]

>>17558985
It's not boring to read though, just boring to write. I spent a lot of time planning this chapter. I just think it's made the process stale for me and since I've already figured it all out there's nothing really creative about it. Hence why I find it boring. IDK.

[Anonymous No.17559025]

>>17557523
Literally just relax and have fun

[Anonymous No.17559041]

>>17558994
Well, it just seems to me like you're spending all your time thinking about the plot and less about the way it's told. I don't think you planned every word choice in advance. There are countless ways you can play with the language to make the delivery interesting. If you don't enjoy that part of the process and think it's just a chore, then it doesn't bode well for your story.

[Anonymous No.17559052]

What is a good place to get decent critiques on a short story?

By decent I mean people willing to read a short story and share their substantiated opinion on what is good and what requires improvement.

[Anonymous No.17559066]

>>17557566
thats the last way to make any true art writing tho, to be a complete outsider

[Anonymous No.17559067]

>>17559041
I can tinker with language quite well, but to be honest I never enjoyed the process of writing at all. I got good at it on accident, so to speak. I was strongly incentivised to write so I developed a good skill with it, but it was always a means to an end and not something I found enjoyable in itself. So while I am sure I'd find it pleasant to write the best possible chapters so long as I start writing, I just have no incentive to start at all. Of course, this is just whining and it's not like there's some easy solution to this that an anon can just tell me, so it was kind of pointless of me to mention it but whatever.

[Anonymous No.17559089]

>>17559066
True. Never let anyone tell you anything about your art. You did it the way you did for a reason that maybe no one else can understand you might ask for input but might be exactly what resonates with someone appreciating your art and would be lost if you change a single thing.

[Anonymous No.17559095]

>>17559067
I had a similar experience. I hope I can learn to enjoy writing eventually

[Anonymous No.17559107]

>>17559095
Good luck with that anon. I usually drink tea and regulate my breath in order to relax and then force myself into it, but it didn't work this time unfortunately. The trick might serve you better, who knows.

[Anonymous No.17559120]

>>17559067
Well, you're sure not the sharpest pen in the box, trying to convince ME of what a skilled wordsmith you are, all the while making up excuses for your lack of progress, as if I actually cared.

[Anonymous No.17559129]

>>17559120
>"heh. nothing personnel."
>t. you
now yuo see, my skill as writer

[Anonymous No.17559150]

>>17559129
I don't like whiners who waste my time just to vent. If you get advice, take it or leave it, but don't start explaining how the advice is beneath you and no one can actually understand your lofty problems.

[Anonymous No.17559175]

>>17559150
I didn't do any of that but okay lol

[Anonymous No.17559201]

>>17558635
Thanks anon :) I'll take those suggestions on board

[Anonymous No.17559202]

>>17559175
Not any of it? Though you admitted yourself you were just complaining and didn't expect helpful answers from anons? Though it's a fact that even now, you're wasting my time? Though I'm half to blame, ever replying to a wojak poster

[Anonymous No.17559212]

>>17559202
Bro it's a writing general, people make more inane posts than me. Can't blame me for hoping for some sort of epiphany.

[Anonymous No.17559214]

Thoughts? I know there are probably grammatical errors, but I'd appreciate some feedback on what you experience as you read this please. Tell me what you think like you were watching a movie instead of reading a story.

[Anonymous No.17559233]

>>17559214
its long in the sense that it just repeats itself a lot and describes something you could probably write in two sentences in three bad paragraphs

[Anonymous No.17559260]

>>17559233
what repeats?

[Anonymous No.17559284]

>>17558939
I think sometimes getting bogged down in structure & having everything laid out for you can make it a dull experience. As much as using language can be interesting, it's surely more interesting to leave some things open to change in the moment? But generally speaking I don't know why you'd write anything if you don't find it enjoyable >>17559067
I understand maybe you'd enjoy having the end product, but there should be some pleasure at least in getting there. What's your motivation to write?

[Anonymous No.17559319]

>>17559284
>What's your motivation to write?
This was in the past, but I used to write for the sake of getting an interesting story. I was the designated writer for a group project me and a bunch of friends had. I loved writing it because we were all coming up with a story together and I found it fun - someone had to write it down and that turned out to be me. They liked my writing too, so I was highly motivated and improved quickly. Unfortunately, these friends turned out to have, ultimately, bad taste, bad writing skills and poor moral characters. Since my motivation to write was for the sake of our story, for which I don't care anymore, my desire to write has tanked. I still "want" to write, but I don't feel any desire or eagerness to do so - it's just a goal I set for myself. If it's just for me, I can come up with a great story in my imagination without ever putting it to paper.

[Anonymous No.17559351]

>>17559319
Maybe try writing something that you haven't carefully planned out in advance, and see how that feels. You can always change things and give more consideration to the structure afterwards. That way you can at least see if you enjoy it when the story is developing as you go. I don't believe something like writing should be planned out like a science, there needs to be some room for imagination that applies to more than the choice of words you use.

[Anonymous No.17559354]

Has anyone sent their manuscript to an editor? How was it?

[Anonymous No.17559367]

>>17559351
I will make sure to try that, although right now I am trying to publish a web novel so I'll need to get used to structure and scheduling as well.

[Anonymous No.17559430]

>Short story
>6.2k words
>21 pages long

Too long. Right?

[Anonymous No.17559538]

>>17559430
Not at all.

[Anonymous No.17559568]

I am going to write a fantasy with NO EXPOSITION
I am going to write YA that isn't INFANTILE
I am going to write an isekai that isn't IMMATURE BULLSHIT
I am going to single-handedly fix the SORRY ASS STATE that modern GENRE FICTION has fallen into.

[Anonymous No.17559615]

>>17558697
>doesn't use quotation marks for dialogue.

It always surprises me how many are confused by this.

Like, when writing in first person, I tend to sometimes omit the MC's dialogue to avoid pointless repetition. For example, if the character is talking to someone and thinks, "What was X doing last night?" Then I might just move directly to X's answer, "Oh, I didn't go anywhere, I stayed home." instead of repeating the question. It's implied that the line was voiced, by the fact that it was answered. Makes sense, right?

But I always get some comments saying, "wtf how did X read the MC's mind? This was so confusing".
What the hell

[Anonymous No.17559723]

>>17559615
Most people are brainlets

[Anonymous No.17559744]

>>17559615
I did the repetitive thing once and I got told to drop it. You lose or you lose.

[Anonymous No.17559803]

I read the prologue of one of Abercrombie's books and tried to copy it. I'd never seen prose like this before. How'd I do?

[Anonymous No.17559816]

>>17559803
>I'd never seen prose like this before
I don't get it. Short sentences? Seems pretty normal to me.

[Anonymous No.17559825]

>>17559816
Yeah. Ultra short sentences for action scenes. I haven't read a ton of books, though.

[Anonymous No.17559836]

>>17559803
Reads like something an A.I. would write, sorry.

[Anonymous No.17559858]

>>17559803
Nah don't listen to >>17559836. I've only read one fantasy book, Mistborn, and your prose seems so much better. It works and I think it would work on the modern fantasy crowd too.

[Anonymous No.17559873]

>>17559858
How does the line
>Betrayal is what you did your brother
work?
How about
>Gat lunged, thrusting hard, aiming the pits.
Aiming the pits?
>then he was on the ground staring at a ball of spike
A ball of spike?

[Anonymous No.17559882]

>>17559803
Some of it lands, other parts not so much. E.g. the "Roar from behind, he leapt forward, whistling of air catching his hair, and the pillar crumbled".
Even changing it to "a roar from behind, he leapt forward..." would make it sound slightly less clumsy. Likewise changing "holding breath" to "holding his breath" makes more sense. It might not perfectly match the style you're trying to emulate, but that almost abstract approach to describing what he's doing seems at odds with the parts where you're giving a more "direct" description. I'm not sure exactly how to express it, but it feels like it intellectualizes what he's doing, when elsewhere we feel more connected to it.

[Anonymous No.17559886]

>>17559825
It's a fairly basic method of creating tension in a scene. And gets pretty tiresome if dragged on for too long.

[Anonymous No.17559894]

>>17559873
>Betrayal is what you did to your brother
I don't get it. Its dialogue and it doesn't sound bad at all.
>Gat lunged, thrusting hard, aiming at the pits
I get it doesn't make sense why someone would aim at the pits but I choked it up to fantashit and maybe the magic system calls for it.
>then he was on the ground staring at a ball of spike
I'll give you this one. It doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous No.17559904]

>>17559894
>Betrayal is what you did to your brother
But that's not what it says. It says
>Betrayal is what you did your brother
There is no "to".
>aiming at the pits
Again, it doesn't say that. It says aiming the pits. Not AT the pits, aiming THE pits.

[Anonymous No.17559940]

Fate. Destiny. Fatestiny. People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well I eat balls for breakfast. I know my purpose is righting wrongs. I’m the wrong-righter. But I don’t need you to call me that. I have special needs. Just call me -- *bump*. Snake hand, this sign, it’s some sort of sign. Mayhaps this strange town shall house my rebirthening, and I’ll finally find the sad soul I’m fatestinated to salve. Wumph, wum wum, (the snake has just insulted Xavier). Snake hand, you don’t know your ass from your elbow. Wu-umph wum (the snake just said, but my ass is your elbow.) Each of my little pumpkin’s gonna get a turn on the slide starting with my most favorite! My god, what brand of monster would abandon a childling? *Flashback* Go on son, your brand new bike is just beyond that tree, go on. Really? So long, weirdo! Dad! *Crash* Nooooooooo! Hey, he was telling the truth! Yummy, pop corn! *Crash* If that kind of thing had actually happened to me, I don’t know what I’d do. I’d save these poor kids, is what. Huh, where’s my babies? MY BABIIIIIIIEEEEEES!!! All right, kids, we can build our new life together down this glorious hole. Welcome home kids, it doesn’t look like much, but these sewer walls were built with love. You can taste it. I’ll have to be both mother and father to you kids, which means I’m gonna be doing some things to myself that you’re not going to want to see, and one day, you’re gonna walk in on me doing it. Wumph wumph, (the snake hand says oh brother, the things he makes me watch!) *Flashback* Chief Master Guru, I found these abandoned birdlings. Your rescue is noble, young one, but now you are to put them to the fire. Allow them to be rebirthed like the phoenix from the flame. While you’re doing that, I gotta grab a bite. Me needum eatum. Really, to the flame? OK. Your destiny is demise! Nooooooooooo!

[Anonymous No.17559945]

Kids, I swear I’m gonna love all of you and equally. I’ll be dividing my love into seven equal sections, or love quadrants. Each quadrant will be worth fifteen love units, represented by these small brass marbles. You may use these marbles as currency among yourselves. Collect 35 love units, you can trade those in for a beach towel with my face on it. Collect more than three towels… Where are my babies? Where are my babies? What is that racket? Where are my babies? Where are my babies? Keep it down lady, we got families around here. Uuugghh, have you seen my babies? I’m popping a peek at a smoking babe, right now. I lost seven of my babies! Tragic, I’ve got septuplets myself. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost them. Good thing I’m a responsible parent, you should try it sometime. Where are my babies? Where are my babies? Oh, the wails of a victim, almost as heartbreaking as the victim of a whale. Sometimes I think you kids are the only thing keeping me sane. Now who wants lunch? Go on, youngun’s. Suckle at the teat of my good intentions. Damn, I’m one nip short! (I’ll take care of that, the snake quipped.) Snake hand, what are you doing? (You’re right, it could have used some honey mustard, the snake counters.) Spit it out, you animal! I’ll get you to puke. Ok, one time there was this really wrinkly old lady, and she was really weird. (The snake says, you’re just making me horny!) And she pulled a big scab from her face and she ate it. Oh, sick, *PUKES*. Listen you stay away from the rest of my kids. (The snake swears that he couldn’t help himself, and assures Xavier, his noble master, that it won’t happen again.) Well, it evens out the teat fight, and I have to say, I feel the child’s spirit percolating in my veins. Looking pretty buff too. You know losing that kid back there has made me sympathize with that horny old lady who lost seven. You kids, stay put.

[Anonymous No.17559950]

Those sick bastards! Those sickos who stole your baby left a ransom note! But your friendly neighborhood wandering spirit master is on the case. They told me you weren’t real! They said you were a nightmare! Not real, huh. Is this a nightmare? *Tongue rapes her mouth* Where’s your husband, the so called father? He died during childbirth. He would have wanted you to move on. He craved your movements. Now, try to remember where you were when you first decided to be a terrible parent and let your babies out of your sight. The park. This is from him, I sense it. The sick bastard smells like my ass. *sniff sniff* Smells exactly like my ass! Luckily, my Lakota yogi taught me the ways of the Injun tracker. *Flashback* When you’re tracking mighty buffalo, you must become buffalo. Become the kidnapper, be the criminal. Bingo, the mindscrawl of a madman. My god, he knows who I am, he knows my every fantasy! But I am hot on your trails sicko, you can feel my hot breath on your neck. This is no longer a clue, it’s a game. You may have just gotten checkmate, but we’re playing Chinese checkers, and as my old friend Confucsius say, the hunter has become the hunter-ed. The chaser has become the chosed. Dame fortuna has had her franking privileges revoked, It seems the portrait has painted the artist, sketching the reverser, who has become the reverse-ed. But this time the suffix will become the sufferer, and it appears the baby killer is about to kill a baby. *Pukes* Which reminds me, I gotta go feed my babies.

[Anonymous No.17559956]

Yoohoo, Daddy’s home! Who’s hungry? (I never thought you’d ask! The snake hand says, wolfing down a baby.) Snake hand, you promised! (Look, someone left you a world’s greatest dad trophy, the snake tricks.) Wow, really? Snake hand! Get those babies out right now! Give me back my sons! Ooooh. (Goes down easier boneless, thanks the snake.) Oh my son, and my other son! I’m over it. I feel like a million love units! Ooh, what do they put in those things, I’m filled with a youthful spunk! Gallons of it! (I just wanted to give you energy to help sniff out those poor missing babies.) Sniff out, ay? I brought bloodhounds, we’re gonna trap down the napper. We’ve just got to let them get the scent of your remaining baby. Get the scent, this is what you’re going for, got the scent? *Growl* *Eats baby* Let’s get him, boys. Ma’am, someone stole our bloodhounds, but we got the backup bloodhounds to chase the first bloodhounds. Their scent took us here. They were just here. They ate my baby! I knew we shouldn’t have left you alone. You’re twisted. And you have the gall to blame it on police dogs? Those dogs were decorated. Look at this place. What have you ever decorated? Hey Sarge, we got the scent. The backup bloodhounds have found the trail of the original bloodhounds. My god, the dogs are going right into my hidden lair. That must mean the baby napper must be in there now. I’ve got him cornered, and it looks like the coroner has become the cornholer. I’ve got you now! *echo* He doesn’t have me, I got him trapped. Listen, you’re trapped. *echo* Police! Who’s in there, is it a baby killer? Frutada, the cops are going to think that these are the missing babies, that I’m the kidnapper. It’s the perfect frameup, the perfect crime. (The snake offers to get rid of the evidence.) Right, I can’t send an innocent man to jail, even if he is me. Do what you gotta do, I don’t want to look.

[Anonymous No.17559963]

NOOOOOO! My babies! You weirdo! We won’t cotton to that behavior round these parts. (There goes that snake again, swallowing entire body.) Wuh, oh. It’s beautiful Sarge. You found me, the everchild. Bask in the bliss energy of my glorious love beam. Don’t you see? The missing child you each seek to reconnect with is inside you all. But you buried it. You, Paul, when you were six and you killed that spidermonkey with that clawhammer. You really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that’s why you became a dirty pig cop. He’s right! *shoots self* And you, you’ll have children again, You just need to get some face work. Maybe get your butt did. He’s so honest. And you, that time you made out with your mom… Hook em boys! You’re going away for a long time bliss baby! I forgive you, you can put me to death but you can’t put me to life. For we are all brothers, brothers brothers… Just hit the switch Rodney! You weren’t supposed to say my name! I’m wearing the hood! You promised! I gotta do everything around here. *flips switch* *Xavier bursts out of egg* Thank fate that big glowing galoot won’t be bothering us no more. I think we all now realize that our society needs to stop it’s selfish search for missing children, and start searching for the child within. The only child that matters. I guess I’ll be moseying on. Sorry babe, I’m a rambler. I’ll put some babies in your butt someday. Close your mouth babe, you’ll catch more flies with honey, than with bad breath. *Tongue rapes mouth.*

And then, I was gone.

[Anonymous No.17559992]

>>17559873
>>17559894
>>17559904
Pits = armpits.

The betrayal bit was meant to be more like "It's in your nature to betray" and was intended to be an abstract reference to MC's swing and miss because he mistook thumping of his own heart for the inquisitor's steps, and the blood and nerves thing. I intentionally kept it abstract and did wonder if anyone would pick up on it.

The ball of spike bit was the most abstract. The inquisitor swung his flail at MC's legs (brittle legs and why there was a bloodied ball of spike).

Thanks for the feedback, guys. This was just an exercise I thought of on the spot based on The Blade Itself's prologue.

[Anonymous No.17559998]

>>17559615
Maybe just have them say it? If they say it then unless it's made a point that they spoke without thinking it should be pretty easy to get that the character was thinking about it. I think that's the best solution.

[Anonymous No.17560024]

>>17559998
Sometimes I put the lines in quotes, sometimes I don't. It's just for variety.

[Anonymous No.17560030]

>>17560024
I think you should, at the very least, try to keep it consistent. Switching back and forth needlessly complicates things and confuses the reader.

[Anonymous No.17560071]

>>17560030
I do wish the reader made a bit of effort to use their own brain, instead of dumbing down my text to cater to all toddlers. Since I really can't see what is confusing about it myself.

[Anonymous No.17560084]

>>17555860
Already got one helpful reply but bumping my extract to see if I can get any more

[Anonymous No.17560088]

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/37998/wish-mountain

Chapter six is up!

[Anonymous No.17560114]

am i autistic or do you guys also feel the need for the bodies of prose that you are writing to be symmetrical or at least in a good balanced shape?

[Anonymous No.17560118]

>>17560071
You should have reason to go from putting his questions in quotes to not. Perhaps if he's in a hurry or deep in thought, but not at random. Leaving out quotation marks for no reason makes it seem as though you simply forgot.
>But I always get some comments saying, "wtf how did X read the MC's mind? This was so confusing".
I'm pretty certain this is just a somewhat jokey way of them letting you know you've made it confusing for no reason.
Do you get comments about other things in your story being confusing?

[Anonymous No.17560283]

>>17555860
You've got a lot of descriptions to set the mood. Personally, I wouldn't continue reading if every new place was described like this. At that point, it'll feel like I'm reading the setting more than the story.

The problem with a hyper magnified scope is that you have to keep up the magnification. It's pretty good for what it is, though.

[Anonymous No.17560397]

>>17559615
I never really understood writing thoughts like that. The thought would be implied by the dialogue so there really is no need. Personally I hate reading explicitly quoted thoughts.

[Anonymous No.17560479]

>>17560397
>Thoughts in italics.
>Dialogue in double quotes.
>Long dialogue with paragraph breaks don't end with double quotes on each paragraph, only at the final paragraph. Each paragraph starts with double quotes.
>Quotes in dialogue use single quotes.
Those are my rules that I've picked up from reading. Seeing anything different confuses me.

[Anonymous No.17560485]

>>17560479
low iq take

[Anonymous No.17560503]

>>17560283
Thanks :) I don't intend to have such lengthy introductions to every place as this alright, I agree it would start to become a bit much. I was trying to set the tone for the setting of the story in general.
>The problem with a hyper magnified scope is that you have to keep up the magnification.
What exactly do you mean by this? Just that I should keep up the level of detail when I do choose to describe things, and not that I will now have to continue to set every scene in this way?

[Anonymous No.17560547]

>>17560479
>Thoughts in italics.
But why?

[Anonymous No.17560553]

The leaves crunched, echoing through the woods. He ran without looking back. Someone was after him, why? he didn't know. The moment the lad saw the phantom's eye, he knew he had to run.
Tiny droplets came from the sky, making the ground muddy. The gods had chosen a side from what it looked like. The lad looked back, there wasn't one, nor two, but a hundred shadows
covering the ground and the skies behind him. Their red eyes blazed and their rotten teeth crooking out of their mouths. A gritty grin, accompanied by their dark clocks covering their
body. The lad was losing his stamina, his legs were giving up. A hand crept behind his shoulder and clenched him by his arm, claws deep inside his skin. "WE SEE YOU Druv, WE SEE YOU".

why does my writing sound feminine?

[Anonymous No.17560557]

>>17560547
It's common in YA

[Anonymous No.17560570]

>>17560503
You'll have to keep up the high level descriptions for mundane things. There's a line where you described the woman evoking feelings in the MC. You'll have to keep up that level of detail even when it starts feeling mundane, otherwise it throws your prose off.

Best way for me to describe this is when I watch anime at the start of the season and the animation quality is really high because the studio has had weeks to work on a single episode. Then they move to a weekly production and the animation quality drops, sometimes as soon as episode 2.

>>17560557
Not just YA from what I've found. It's common in high fantasy like A Game of Thrones and The Blade Itself. Both of which are for adults.

[Anonymous No.17560576]

>>17560570
YA and genre fiction, then

[Anonymous No.17560591]

>>17560570
>Both of which are for """"adults""""

[Anonymous No.17560599]

>>17560591
You know what I'm getting at.

[Anonymous No.17560604]

How do I make something not YA?
Do I just throw a rape in, and it becomes adult?

[Anonymous No.17560615]

>>17553969
do caligraphy dip pens write exactly the same as a fountain pen assuming their nibs are similiar? or is the technique differnet?

[Anonymous No.17560623]

>>17560604
No, you write something genuine.

[Anonymous No.17560629]

>>17560604
All you need to do is not hold back on the more unsavory things. That's one of the big differences between something being YA and it just having teenagers in it.

[Anonymous No.17560637]

>>17560629
So, rape?

[Anonymous No.17560643]

>>17560637
No.
Rape is too mainstream now.
Try knife rape.

[Anonymous No.17560646]

>>17560637
drugs, even.

[Anonymous No.17560677]

>>17560637
Sure, just don't chicken out of parts of it. That's not to say that you should be edgy about it though.
Also what >>17560643 said. Too many people are into rape nowadays.

[Anonymous No.17560688]

>>17560553
It's good. Reads like something I'd write.

[Anonymous No.17560695]

>>17560688
Probably because you did, schizo

[Anonymous No.17560697]

>>17560643
As in, sticking da knife up the vagoo?

[Anonymous No.17560701]

>>17560697
The ass too

[Anonymous No.17560719]

>>17560697
>>17560701
They should do the 120 Days of Sodom thing where they cut her taint open and switch her rectum to the front, her vagoo to the back and then fuck them that way

[Anonymous No.17560729]

>>17560688
do I sound ESL?

[Anonymous No.17560732]

>>17560729
No. Better than ESL.

[Anonymous No.17560771]

>Back home, Protag flopped onto the bed. Judging by book pillar shadows, she had an hour before dark. A whole hour of entertainment after a bothersome day.
>But she pulled out today's book instead. Discarded books got forgotten but this one was different. It had a useful grain, she knew it on a sunconscious level. But understanding it better required a dictionary.
>After twenty minutes of going down the hyperlink chain for one word, the book flew back into pillar. The stack collapsed and spilled over the floor. Protag struck her pillow, almost catapulting the phone off. A dictionary? She needed a grade teacher.

Grade my ESL writing

[Anonymous No.17560777]

>>17560397
>Personally I hate reading explicitly quoted thoughts.
What else is first person narrative but "explicitly quoted thoughts"?

[Anonymous No.17560785]

>>17560777
An unreliable narrator spinning a yarn to someone

[Anonymous No.17560796]

>>17560777
Thoughts without dialogue tags.

[Anonymous No.17560813]

>>17560777
Believe it or not, but PoV can be limited even in first-person. You can have your MC only ever describe their actions (popular in choose your own adventure books), or you can go balls deep and describe all their internal monologue.

[Anonymous No.17560836]

Father, I want to marry my little brother, said Mary.

No Mary, father replied, that would be a sin. Hell ain't no place for my sweet little girl.

Little did he know that Mary was already pregnant with her brother Tom's child.

[Anonymous No.17560855]

>>17560118
>Do you get comments about other things in your story being confusing?
No. And it's not like everybody says that. But that kind of comments sometimes do come up, even in reviews, and I'm pretty sure they're not joking. I don't really care if a handful of readers are confused, I'm just confused that there's even one person confused about such a simple thing.

[Anonymous No.17560884]

>>17560855
Then it's probably a good sign that the rest of your story is fine and that your readers aren't completely stupid.
It's simple to you because you're behind the scenes, on the inside looking out. To everyone else it's just pointless inconsistency.

[Anonymous No.17560924]

>>17560884
A fair point.

[Anonymous No.17560929]

>>17553969
The barn, standing still, at the end of the dimmed road, was less an affront to the man than a reminder of the last time he’d stood in that place. Now on tired legs, resisting the weight of memory, eyes beginning to adjust to the light receding over the country, memory peeled back the turn of years-- of steps taken and wild exertions and things gained and lost in the unfolding of instants-- the warm, dilute smell of country air sharpening at some old roadpoint into the metallic angles of the city and sworn off of nature’s embrace until now, by some circumstance having wound his way back to a site of years gone by.
The edges of the barn had frayed in those intervening years, giving it the appearance of debauched comfort, and the overall structure had become considerably more lopsided than he remembered, streaks of rust having worked their way into the strands of metal, beside crimson dots and long brown patches presiding over a backdrop of faded whitewash.
He took a drag of his cigarette, and stared up towards the clumps of loose hay striking out from the forlorn body. A bird was feeding her babies near a window, her figure casting a curt, dying shadow against the wall out of view. Stepping forward onto weeds, he noticed something and gazed in the light to see what had been inscribed. He saw garish patterns, graffiti on the wall, and he turned away after a few seconds, reflecting in a state of silent indignity, perhaps more indifferent to it than anything. He flicked the cigarette stub toward the dirt road.

[Anonymous No.17561118]

>>17560088
imagine being so desperate that you have to shill your book on the literature subreddit of the 4channel website.

[Anonymous No.17561124]

I was watching Ghostbusters 2 yesterday and something about the Titanic scene really spoke out to me. I'd like to write a set a short horror stories based around the ghosts of historical tragedies. Would this concept be any good and are there any good tips for writing horror?

[Anonymous No.17561305]

>>17551855
>>17552415
>>17554777
anons, i took your feedback and polished it. would appreciate you looking at this and giving your thoughts one last time. thanks in advance
(769 words) https://pastebin.com/aHCFhWqG

[Anonymous No.17561309]

I'm gonna do it, bros!
I'm gonna write a book and be famous!

[Anonymous No.17561350]

>>17561309
I'm going to write a book and maintain a veil of obscurity.

[Anonymous No.17561396]

>>17561309
I'm gonna write a book then shit my pants.

[Anonymous No.17561406]

>>17561396
C'est exquisite!

[Anonymous No.17561627]

Is writting two stories at the same time viable?

My writting is shit so i dont want to waste two ideas at once, but im in a different mood and i dont wanna write my first story out rn

[Anonymous No.17561637]

>>17561627
It's not only viable, it's downright recommended. If you get into a slump with one story you can still work on the other(s) rather than just stopping entirely.

[Anonymous No.17561668]

>>17561637
Yeah but like i said i feel like im wasting two good ideas with my shit writting

I thought i would improve my writting with the first story and then move on to the second

[Anonymous No.17561695]

>>17561668
>he thinks his writing will be "good" after one story
Ahahaha... ten thousand hours boy.

[Anonymous No.17561739]

>>17561695
Yeah you are right, i might as well get this idea out on paper

I might have to do some research on the topic first but i can dig it

[Anonymous No.17561831]

>>17560088
Will be checking this out sir

[Anonymous No.17561872]

>>17560777
By explicitly quoted thoughts I meant as per the example - either in italics or quotation marks. But I suspect you knew that and are just being a dick.

[Anonymous No.17561919]

>>17554865
based. fuck this weeb tranny

[Anonymous No.17561948]

>>17559201
No problem. If you could give me some feedback on this >>17558532 I would much appreciate it.

[Anonymous No.17561959]

>>17561637
Do you find that it messes with your voice or they start getting too similar? I've only ever done one at a time, would like to do more at once for the reasons you've said but they're always really different and I would hate for something like 'lesbian romance' to seep into the more thoughtful story.

[Anonymous No.17561968]

>>17561959
I get around this by writing in different languages, forcing my brain to think completely differently about the texts.

[Anonymous No.17561969]

>>17561959
Just write a thoughtful lesbian romance

[Anonymous No.17561991]

Help, /lit/, I got an idea for a lewd, no sex, story. But writing a decently long smut is kinda demeaning isn't it? Especially if smut is irrelevant to plot or characters.

[Anonymous No.17562032]

>>17561991
I don't think it's demeaning by default. I think you have the right idea, that the smut has to tie into the plot and characters or it will stick out.

[Anonymous No.17562039]

>>17561991
If the whole point is smut why do you imagine an unrelated plot attached to it?

[Anonymous No.17562044]

>>17561872
You replied to me about that as if it were what I had been talking about, when it wasn't, and I tried to get you to realize this quietly on your own without grating arguments. But you just wouldn't take the hint but came back hours later to call me a dick. So now I'm kinda annoyed and tempted to call you faggot in exchange and it became a grating argument after all.

[Anonymous No.17562078]

>>17562039
The point is action adventure, but lewdified.
>Invasion from other planet stops at one base and invaders are robots just wander around. A team of waifus is sent in and they discover that the robots are autonomous pieces of personal armor for living invaders that never came. And bosses hold the codes that could claim ownership of several armor sets. Then they go to the center of the base to discover why the invasion failed.
I could write the same action adventure without lewds, but then it would turn out kind of run of the mill and sort of boring.

[Anonymous No.17562083]

>>17558532
It’s not terrible but I get the sense that you’re trying to come across like a good writer far more than you’re trying to paint images in the reader’s head. Try to quieten the writer's ego and prioritize the story above all else.

[Anonymous No.17562127]

>>17560553
It sounds good to me anon

[Anonymous No.17562201]

Chapter 9 out.
Oh, and for anyone interested in submitting on Royal Road, I've submitted chapters at different times every day in order to see when the best time to do it is. Word of advice. Do not post before, say, 11AM eastern time. Did it twice, once maybe on the 3rd or 4th chapter, and then today. Essentially no one sees it at all. I'd recommend afternoon or evening, even late evening. Probably going to drop chapter 10 at midnight and that'll be more than fine.
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/40361/erased

[Anonymous No.17562211]

>>17560771
There are two things you need to work on, anon: syntax and developing an active voice, as opposed to the passive voice you are currently using right now.
I say focus on developing your syntax because your writing style is very choppy and awkward. You need to work on how your sentences flow together, because right now it's really clunky.
Its the same thing with how you describe your actions, you're telling me everything that happens in the story rather than showing it. This leads to very boring and awkward prose style, i.e. a passive voice. Focus on developing an active voice in your writing
Grammatically speaking, you have some punctuation errors.
>It had a useful grain, she knew it on a sunconscious level
This is a comma splice, a comma cannot combine two independent clauses without a conjunction, for what you're trying to do. Or a semicolon, either works.
Rewrite it to:
It had a useful grain; she knew it on a sunconscious level
Or
>It had a useful grain-she knew it on a sunconscious level
Or
>It had a useful grain, SO she knew it on a sunconscious level.

One more tip, I think you use too many simple sentences. If I were you I'd try to vary your pacing with a mix of simple sentences, complex sentences, complex compound sentences, and compound sentences. Doing this, will improve the flow of your writing. Though, this tip is subjective and doesn't have to be followed

[Anonymous No.17562245]

>>17562044
I was responding to your example of an explicitly quoted thought with my opinion of explicitly quoted thoughts. There's no need to be angry, anon. Just don't use certain examples if you mean something completely different.

[Anonymous No.17562256]

>>17556921
Post a Google doc here anons could leave comments on

>>17557607
>>17557595
>>17557566
>>17557483
Technical feedback with an editorial eye first, then story elements

>>17558532
>A woman and [a] man walked the last few miles of [...] country road, saying [...] nothing, hearing nothing [except] the scrap[es] of [their] soles [echoing and merging into a] steady, vagrant rhythm
Needs synching up across the board, existing imagery is serviceable.

>>17558939
Pleasure’s in the form. Actively edit more as you go.

>>17559214
>Observing their confusion, the plant worker grew increasingly nervous as they began the search for the lost brother

>>17560771
>She had about an hour before dark judging be the book pillar shadows, a whole ...

>>17560929
>The stillness of the barn standing alone at the end of the road was more a reminder than an affront to the last time he stood in that dim space.

[Anonymous No.17562394]

I miss the good old days when CYOAs were more fun and pure

[Anonymous No.17562720]

It's been five days since I last wrote the chapter for the last volume, and I simply cannot bring myself to start on the new volume chapter already.

[Anonymous No.17562793]

>>17559260
the first paragraph can just be one sentence. hes observing them, hes waiting for a signal, hes crouching and waiting. but none of it has any of the importance you would dedicate to three or four sentences imo. not trying to hate just saying it feels bloated.
the second paragraph literally repeats "This time permanently there was no going back this time" but ignoring that you could just say "then, there was the signal. david climbed the ladder" or whatever. it doesn't need all this big theatrical treatment. furthermore, whats the point of the quote unquote tension inherent in the first paragraph if the signal comes a few lines later? the time that creates the tension is once again just due to the length of reading the paragraph not any described time or anything in the piece itself.
finally, the second paragraph ends with "but he made it out" then the third starts "the man" "got out safely", and "once he got out" which is just messy, some kids are waiting to see "if he got out". we already know hes out though, but you go on repeating yourself about "if he gets out this if they can see him that". you can just say "the kids waited for him to get out and then they yelled when he did" or some shit, i mean, you know, like that but better, im not going to write it for you, you figure it out. but again its a ton of theatrics brought on by the writing itself taking forever to get through all these sentences that amount to roughly the same thing as each other. and then the ladder again as a cherry on top.
i don't know what the story is really but i doubt the reader cares about all these micro descriptions of what they are doing second to second, and if you think they do, you need to write them a lot better. because ultimately your pic just says "the kids laid in wait as they had planned, and when they saw the signal, they sprang into action and followed the man into the alley" or whatever. i don't care that david misses a step and paulie pulls on a cord hanging from the ceiling.

[Anonymous No.17562868]

>>17562245
I see you're one reader deeply confused by quotation marks and unable to comprehend half of what you read.

[Anonymous No.17563613]

>>17555468
wattpad.com

[Anonymous No.17563632]

bros, how does this sound as an opening

There’s really no good way to tell someone you hate yourself.
The conversation is usually too much, or the person isn’t close enough to you to understand, and it becomes too hard to explain. And, should you really not know the person that well, the accompanying silence is palpable. However, one could argue that it’s even worse to keep it in, causing an implosion. Implosions, more accurately called “losing your shit” by people who understand the feeling of actually losing their shit, are terrible in their own special way. All feeling in the body is lost as every pensive, bottled up thought you have in your cloudy head is replaced with the mirth of the situation you find yourself in and- more dangerously- an alacrity towards stabbing, slashing, and/or jabbing your own body with the closest and sharpest object you have. Imploding could also mean breaking into hysterics, crying at the thought of one’s painful existence, breaking fragile objects and turning everyone you know away. There are more severe examples of mechanisms and cloudy states of thought one turns to when they “lose their shit,” these are just the most common. In the case of Joan, he felt as if he was in a constant state of implosion, triggered at a young age. He, a young man living on his own, succumbed to the pressure of human existence with a disgusted feeling. Joan’s implosion was different, constant, and ever-prescient. There was a figure following him that fucking oozed dread. It could read his thoughts, predict his every move, and keep at an impossibly far/alarmingly close distance that shook Joan to his core. He hates himself. No one could or would understand this constant fear of something so real to Joan, and when he goes out he constantly looks behind him, expecting an attack from that apparition any second now.

[Anonymous No.17564389]

>>17562868
I'm sorry that things have meaning. But of course, everyone else is the problem, right? People should just divine what you meant despite your misuse of words and punctuation. Silly readers!

[Anonymous No.17564560]

>Spend hours and hours writing
>Wordcounter.net says it would only take 10 minutes to read
Why is it so much more effort to create than consume?

[Anonymous No.17564771]

>>17558532
Very nice, probably my favorite in this thread. Feels like professional work. Though try to read two-three books by different authors at the same time, so your own voice doesn't get diluted by a singular strong impression.

[Anonymous No.17564774]

>>17560553
No woman would ever use the word "lad", put aside multiple times, so I am not sure why you'd think that.
>>17560604
Adding rape only makes it more YA, anon.
>>17560643
>knife rape.
This would be the grey area between "extremely YA" and "utterly degenerate".
>>17564560
The answer depends on what you are writing.

[Anonymous No.17564797]

>>17564560
>wordcounter.net
>put story in
>top word used is "just"
>3%
I thought I was overusing it but this is even worse than I imagined.
How bad is this really? I haven't gotten any comments on it from my readers.

[Anonymous No.17564799]

>>17563632
A lot of filler words. Try removing words like "really" and "usually." In general the prose is stilted and needs work. It's not bad, but it feels like a first draft.

Try and remove as many words from a sentence as you can until it no longer makes sense, then add them back until it sounds worse. Reading aloud can help with this.

[Anonymous No.17565309]

>>17564799
the filler is kind of the point, because i like those kinds of books. but your points do make sense, it kind of is a first draft anyway. i'll mess with it some more. thanks anon

[Anonymous No.17565325]

>>17564799
>how to remove all substance and flavour from your work, the post, by E. S. Laurels

[Anonymous No.17565426]

any tips on writing interior monologue? everyone seems to have a problem writing too much of it, but i can't write a paragraph to save my life.

[Anonymous No.17565528]

>>17560615
Not OP
I think so, assuming the fountain pen has an italic nib. I'd stick with fountain pens since dip pens seem like a hassle. Those oblique holders probably require a different technique.

[Anonymous No.17565655]

>>17564799
>Try and remove as many words from a sentence as you can until it no longer makes sense,

[Anonymous No.17565670]

On an early day in January, I find myself on a walk along the Manayunk canal, officially dubbed the towpath, in the northwestern reaches of Philadelphia. The towpath is a 2 mile riverside walkway stretching from Main Street up to the flat rock dam, just outside of Conshohocken. Sometime, a long time ago (the kind of “long time ago” that could either be 50 or 100 years, probably no longer, but most definitely no nearer) the canal was flanked on the far side by a set of active train tracks, now, long abandoned. The tracks still remain, covered in rocks and weeds, used fishing lines, crushed yellowed Miller Lite cans, steel rusting to nothing. About a mile from town, the tracks lead through a not-quite abandoned paper mill, surely finding that business, too, is rusting away in an increasingly digital existence. First the tracks go, then the trucks, then the infrastructure, until there’s nothing left to rot away, and the oaks and pines that once inhabited this stretch of southeastern Pennsylvania begin to reclaim what was once theirs.

Somewhere in the distance I hear the friendly gunshots of the renovation of the St. John the Baptist Catholic church. The echoed shots occur in succession, equidistant from each other, creating a perfect 1-2-3-4 countoff for the hushed city ambience that returned immediately after. This neighborhood provides a sense of isolation from the crumbling infrastructure and daily crime just a few miles down Route 76. If one had heard those roofers in any other part of the city, they would think twice, gazing around nervously, unassumingly for the culprit, before giving themselves over to the realities of living in the modern American city.

But here, in the city’s farthest reaches northwest, where the row homes up the hill begin to give way to standalones, retirement plans, Audis, it’s easy to forget how close you are to decay. A few months ago a man was gunned down by an AK-47 in Roxborough, where all the college kids from Manayunk go once they find a high paying job, family, two kids, probably 30 years down, if ever. The isolated instance of senseless violence still hangs in my head. I can’t tell you the last Kengzington shooting, the most run down of north Philadelphia neighborhoods, but if you asked a resident there I don’t think they would be able to either. It is the same sort of willful ignorance that proves helpful when living in the corrupted chaos of urbanation, whether in the thick of the madness or just a bystander. I don’t think anyone who lives in a city is happy, until they live in the parts of it when they can pretend they’re not part of the city anymore. The best views of this place are reserved for two men - the extremely rich, and the extremely poor. For the rest of us, we’re stuck with walks through the places that remind us of better ones, if such places still exist.

[Anonymous No.17565677]

>>17565655
>remove as many words from a sentence as you can until it no longer makes sense

[Anonymous No.17565739]

>>17565677
>remove words from a sentence until it no longer makes sense

[Anonymous No.17565785]

>>17565739
>>remove words from a sentence

[Anonymous No.17565949]

>>17565785
>remove words

[Anonymous No.17566109]

>>17565949
>wordsn't

[Anonymous No.17566520]

I can't stop being desperate for my story to be popular

[Anonymous No.17566536]

>>17566520
I wonder who could be behind this post...? me too, bud

[Anonymous No.17566573]

>>17566520
>>17566536
What do you guys define as popular?

[Anonymous No.17566826]

Guys, I spent all day roleplaying on f-list and now I'm too burned out on writing to write my novel again.

[Anonymous No.17566830]

>>17566109
>

[Anonymous No.17566946]

>>17566573

[Anonymous No.17566983]

>>17566946
>135 chapters
Do people actually start reading these stories once they get that long? I can't even imagine what kind of story would go on that long.

[Anonymous No.17566988]

>>17566946
>846 readers
Yikes

[Anonymous No.17567027]

Anons, I feel like it doesn't really make sense so far but I have trouble writing a lot on a single topic.
Its fantasy, maybe leaning towards coming of age. This is my first time trying to write fiction

>Soldiers lay unmoving amongst the tall grass. The rain had long since washed away their blood, leaving only the pale faces of the fallen and their metallic adornments to be admired. Amidst the long grass and rain stood a child of about twelve months. He walked amongst the fallen.
An onlooker would be unable to determine his motivations nor origin; as would he. The child was simply there, as always. A petal drifting amidst the waves of a storm. White cloth was draped over his thin figure, weighed down by the rain. His large eyes, framed by long black hair, absorbed the scene. The death did not concern him. Death was predictable. The air around him suddenly stirred and the child looked up. A large crane drifted amongst the rain. Its vast white wings stretched across the sky, accented by small black feathers on the back of its wings and underbelly. Upon its head was a red crown. The crane gently swooped down, landing in front of him. Its sound was drowned out by the heavy rain. It stood tall, easily five times the height of the child.
The crane opened its beak, as if to talk, before deciding against it. Instead, it stepped forwards towards the child and once again opened its wings, covering him from the rain’s pressure.

Thanks for feedback

[Anonymous No.17567031]

oops messed up green text

[Anonymous No.17567171]

>>17567027
This is genuinely good. You set the scene well; I'm interested in learning what has happened and what's going to happen.
>An onlooker would be unable to determine his motivations nor origin; as would he.
I catch myself trying to write little acrobatic sentences like this in nearly every writing session. Don't do it. It clouds the work and serves no purpose.

[Anonymous No.17567182]

I don't expect anyone to read both pages; just interested to hear what y'all think of my narrative voice.

[Anonymous No.17567188]

>>17567182

[Anonymous No.17567210]

>>17567027
I think it's good. I want to point out this line:
>Death was predictable.
This feels like your narrator revealing themself, otherwise known as the "hidden narrator." It's used a lot in The Hobbit, but can be tricky to manage. There's a fine line between what the narrator should and shouldn't reveal, and you might be compelled to have the narrator reveal all the secrets.

[Anonymous No.17567295]

I want to write some really crazy shit, and just have it start all suddenly. Will the readers get pissed by the abrupt tone shift and complete change in story direction? Should I even worry about rustling jimmies?

[Anonymous No.17567316]

>>17566830

[Anonymous No.17567347]

I've got to write tonight and my body is once again not ready. How did I decline so badly as soon as summer ended

[Anonymous No.17567349]

>>17567171
It's great that you thought my writing was good.
I'll definitely keep your advice in mind before it becomes a habit.

This is the first time I've written something for enjoyment; thank you for taking the time to read it.
>>17567188
The twist at the end was great and I like the narrative voice.
After reading both pages I feel like the tone and subject matter could be a bit easier to follow
>...father had worked for the Nationalists.
and
>The job that Ping liked best...
are separate topics, and would usually be in separate paragraphs.
Also I don't think that the two pages quite line up.
I laughed a few times though so good job

[Anonymous No.17567384]

>>17567295
Not trying to discourage you m8 but first work on writing comprehensible 4chan posts.

[Anonymous No.17567401]

>>17553969
David sat down. The chair tipped back slightly. He slid the chair side to side without looking at the principal.
The principal leaned forward on the desk. His hands formed a knot. “So… I hear there’s been trouble.”
David spun around once in his chair. “No.”
The principal shut his eyes and sighed. He looked down at his desk. “That’s not what I heard.”
While the principal wasn’t looking, David stared him down. “Well, what did you hear? Tell me.”
The principal snorted. He leant back, scratching behind his ear. “Alright. I had a phone call from Mr. Huzzah’s class. Everybody’s writing stories today, sharing them with the class. The feedback is the most important part. When Mr. Huzzah asked what people thought of Rosie’s story, you put your hand up and said it was bad. He asked why. You said it was stupid. Again, Mr. Huzzah asked why. What was stupid about it, David? What was it you said?”
David, spinning around in his chair, ignored the principal.
The principal hung his head once more. Looking down at the desk, he found a smile and stuck it on his lips. “Well?”
David stopped spinning. His arms stood straight up between his shoulders and hands gripping the edge of his seat. “It was stupid because she wrote it. I hate her.”
The principal beamed. “Wonderful. Just wonderful. Now, tell me… let me hear it from you. What were your exact words about the story?”
David withered away beneath the principal’s gaze. “I don’t want to say it.”
The principal dipped his head slightly. He caught David’s eye. “You said it was simply bad. A story so bad only a stupid slut could write it.” The principal took a sharp breath.

[Anonymous No.17567426]

>>17567210
I think I see what you mean, essentially, the narrator's input should be sensory, describing anything deeper through the characters?
>Death was predictable
is opinion
>He though death was predictable
sounds bad but would be better

opinion doesn't really work with the omniscient, reliable narrator

[Anonymous No.17567442]

>>17567384
I want to write a rather standard, and straightforward story; however, at one point in the story, the plot, character development, and setting changes to something that does not match what can be found earlier in the story. I must emphasize this change as it could lead to storytelling that does not match with any other standard story. Readers might dislike that the story they are reading no longer resembles some average, or expected. But, I'm still wondering if I should care about the readers' opinion on this particular matter.

[Anonymous No.17567458]

>>17567426
It depends on your writing style. Hidden narration sets a precedent for a heavily personal story and why it works in The Hobbit; it was all about Bilbo's adventure.

[Anonymous No.17567490]

>>17567295
what do the readers expect or want
if you're writing historical fiction and suddenly Hitler revives then that sounds like your issue anon

[Anonymous No.17567520]

>>17562256
>>Observing their confusion, the plant worker grew increasingly nervous as they began the search for the lost brother

What's wrong with this sentence?

[Anonymous No.17567524]

>>17562201
Do you get a lot of readers?

[Anonymous No.17567564]

/wg/, I'm getting some real anxious intertia from where I left off last time. I don't know how to overcome it

[Anonymous No.17567667]

>>17567564
Just do it

[Anonymous No.17567995]

>>17564389
Mysterious how everyone else but you were able to understand it just fine.

[Anonymous No.17568097]

>>17567027
I'd advise against using unwords, There are usually better alternatives.
>unmoving, unable
I also dislike the old-ish words,
>amongst, amidst, upon
they give the text a pretentious air, but I guess that's just a matter of taste. There'd be better options for these too.
>the rain had long since washed away their blood, leaving only the pale faces of the fallen and their metallic adornments to be admired.
"Long since" is an unnecessary cliche. Who admires dead faces? The expression creates a sarcastic impression, which degrades the clearly intended dignity of the scene.
>a child of about twelve months. He walked amongst the fallen.
12-months-old is a baby and doesn't walk very well. That's comical.
>An onlooker would be unable to determine his motivations nor origin; as would he.
No kidding, if he's a baby. This sentence in general doesn't make much sense.
>The child was simply there, as always.
Another empty sentence. Clearly, he's there. Very simply.
>A petal drifting amidst the waves of a storm.
Corny.
>The death did not concern him. Death was predictable.
Extremely corny.
>The air around him suddenly stirred
You wouldn't expect that to happen in a storm...

Okay, I won't analyze every single line. Just, you might want to think about these things, as well as the rest of the text. The scene itself is fine, kind of interesting, but the details just don't withstand closer scrutiny yet.

[Anonymous No.17568152]

Would love feedback
>>17568116

[Anonymous No.17568185]

>>17568152
Hi John. How much will you pay me to edit your work?

[Anonymous No.17568224]

>>17568185
$15 deseret funbux

[Anonymous No.17568243]

>>17568097
Thank you for writing all of this. Now you point all of those things out they seem glaringly obvious, especially the clichés and other illogical elements. Your comment on the word choice (amongst, amidst, upon etc) is also interesting. It's usually something I don't really pay attention to, however, I can see how it comes off (even as I'm writing this I feel it is somewhat pretentious).

I think I got caught up in the idea of writing fantasy and failed to edit my writing with the same intensity I should have.

Even though other anons were extremely helpful, your close analysis shows me how far I have to go.
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this.

[Anonymous No.17568310]

>>17568243
No prob. These are little things, most readers probably wouldn't pay attention to any of that. But if you can see the details others don't and make them serve your narrative, that's when your story really rises to the next level. Good luck.

[Anonymous No.17568342]

>>17568097
I think the word choices are fine. They're still very commonly said by news anchors in the UK. I say if the words come naturally, then just write that way.

[Anonymous No.17568433]

>>17568342
It's news anchors' job to use formal and proper language. The essential point is to consider if the word choices suit the tone of your story. If you want to be classy, that's fine, but then everything else has to be in line with that aesthetic too. No unintentional comedy.

[Anonymous No.17568523]

which of these is better?

whenever he attended, something bad happened

whenever he attended, something bad would happen

whenever he would attend, something bad happened

whenever he would attend, something bad would happen

[Anonymous No.17568546]

>>17568523
Whenever he chose to attend, something bad was bound to happen.

[Anonymous No.17568569]

I'm writing a short story based on my one-and-only, painfully embarrassing attempt at shoplifting. I'd be grateful for any feedback. Thank you. Here's the intro:

>Walking into the bodybuilding aisle of Millennium Sport & Leisure, I went through the steps one last time.

>Undo jeans’ button. Pull down zipper. Lift up hoodie. Pick up weight. Slide it behind waistband. Zip up (but leave button undone for breathing space). Pull down hoodie. Get out.

>This was my first attempt at shoplifting. I would be skipping the more traditional beginner stage of a small piece of stationary, some sweets or a can of energy drink. Instead, I intended to steal three cast-iron weight plates, each one weighing 5 lbs. Not all at once though and not from the same shop. I would spread it out, thereby, hopefully, minimising my chances of getting caught. If all went to plan, the three misappropriated weights would complement the sole 5 lbs plate I had at home, part of an incomplete set of dumbbells.

>As I passed the gigantic tubs of protein powder displayed at the start of the aisle, feelings of guilt grappled with my conscience. I wasn’t proud of what I was about to do. I had been taught stealing was wrong. Yet, I was powerless. Desperate, juvenile yearning and a lack of financial means had conspired against me, producing a mindset nothing short of Machiavellian.

>It had all happened so quickly, though. Less than two weeks earlier, I had never even thought of lifting weights, much less stealing them. That changed when I found out Aaron had invited all the girls in our year to the beach holiday he was organising. His rich parents had given him permission to use one of their beach-side properties during the first week of the summer vacation.

>The smug look on Aaron's face as I begged him to invite me flashed through my mind. I wasn't proud of it, but it had to be done. After all, Julie was going. Julie, the girl I had been infatuated with for as long as I could remember. The mere thought of spending a week at the beach with her had the hormone factory inside of me firing on all cylinders. Imagery of her in bikini flooded my mind and morphed into endless reveries of a wild, beachside romance. The salacious thoughts were so potent they overpowered my shy nature compelled me to plead with Aaron. To my surprise, he said yes.

>From that moment on, I spent my days in an almost trance-like state, high on anticipation and hope, convinced the beach holiday would be the ideal moment for me to, finally, make my move.

>It didn’t take long for my stupor of optimism to come to an abrupt end. Two days after shamelessly ensuring my place on the holiday, I overheard the words which would, ultimately, be the catalyst to the ill-fated adventure I had embarked on.

[Anonymous No.17568623]

>>17568569
You stole three 5lb weights so you could lift and try to impress a girl? lol.

[Anonymous No.17568695]

>>17568623
If only. What actually happened is vastly more embarrassing than stealing three 5 lb weights to impress the girl I was in love with.

What did you think of the writing? Did it peak your interest?

[Anonymous No.17568703]

>>17568623
But yes, my plan was to lift, gain muscles and impress her.

[Anonymous No.17568906]

>>17558532
just a heads up, if the sun was approaching it's peak, it would not be casting long dark strips of shadows, the shadows would be quite short at high noon.

Also yes, as other anons have said, the writing is a bit stilted in it's use of language and is wordier than it needs to be to paint the image it is trying to.

[Anonymous No.17568916]

>>17568523
something bad would happen whenever he attended.

[Anonymous No.17568933]

Here is some dialogue I am working on. I don't know if the person is being lectured by his dead father or having a regular conversation with a narcissist friend after coming to enlightenment at a buddhist retreat. We'll see how the story rolls out. Thank you for reading.

[Anonymous No.17568970]

Can you lift a certain section of prose and try to mimick that. I'm reading A portrait by Joyce and the part where Dadelus gets a nightmare I'm thinking of just over analyzing that then replicating the prose for my horror novel

[Anonymous No.17569049]

>>17568933
Read the pic before the post and almost thought I was in /an/.

[Anonymous No.17569190]

>>17561305
>no takers
fuck... if anyone has 769 words worth of time to waste, please give mine a look
https://pastebin.com/aHCFhWqG

>>17560929
too many commas in the first sentence. the rest of the piece... hate to be that guy but i didn't feel hooked until the bird came into the scene, which is finally something that is not barn and rust and plains.
>resisting the weight of memory
i like it. i'd like it better if it's the eyelids that are doing this

>>17567027
interesting ending. beware of repetition
>amongst the long grass
>amongst the rain
>vast white wings
>back of its wings

>>17567182
flows very nicely. much better than anything in this thread so far.

[Anonymous No.17569341]

>>17568933
>Can you believe we keep birds in cages? Birds - birds, the animals meant to fly through the air. Why the fuck would anybody want to keep a bird in a cage?
To me, this comes across as a little too edgy. Especially the way you italicised the word "fuck", makes it sound like a 14 year old about to go through his vegan phase. Maybe go for something a little more general, i.e. "How is it possible people think putting birds in cages in normal? A bird is meant to fly, not flutter around in a fucking cage."

>Hmm. You're right, that's a terrible thing to do, to keep a bird in a cage.
Comes across a little "wooden". Going by the rest of his lines, this character isn't a retard, but you make it sound like he's never thought of the idea of birds in cages before. It sounds like this is some great epiphany he's just had. While that's possible, he would have to sound a little more perplexed. He sounds a little like a robot. "AFFIRMATIVE - BIRD IN CAGE BAD - BLEEP - BLOOP"

>They are sitting in there because the tiny branches keep them safe from dangerous predators
Lose the word dangerous, it's implied they're dangerous otherwise they wouldn't be sitting there, hiding.

The last 4 lines of philosophising definitely come across as being spoken by a naive dweeb who think 5 minutes of meditation have given him some fantastic epiphany. None of it makes much sense and the part about the body seems unconnected to the rest of it.

[Anonymous No.17569481]

>>17562083
I can understand that. I like to write more for myself, though, and happen to like more challenging prose that takes time to unpack.
>>17564771
Thank you. You’re right, and I’ve been meaning to diversify my influences. Still got a long way to go but appreciate the compliments.
>>17568906
Need to go outside more, I guess. Thanks, will keep in mind.

[Anonymous No.17569549]

>partway through writing a short story
>all the dialogue and stuff is really good
>realise that the frame of the story makes no logical sense i.e. why would this character have to be in this place I’m writing them to be
Has this ever happened to you guys? It’s so annoying. I now have to go back and rework a load of shit to make it not absurd.

[Anonymous No.17569597]

>>17569549
Yes. When I decided to go through character motivations and what would they do, my fluffy story got stone cold mentors, teleporting kamikaze assassins and teammate exploitation. And one faction monitored the actions of its members with tech while another kept control with loyalty through tall tales.

[Anonymous No.17569769]

>>17569549
Just treat it like a puzzle and find a satisfying answer to that question. You might come up with something more interesting than you otherwise would have

[Anonymous No.17569879]

>>17569549
Definitely. I often type out the middle and ending of a story in no time at all and feel fairly happy about what I've written, even before editing.

Yet, when the time comes to add an intro and flesh it out a bit in order to complete the short story, it can take an eternity.

Introductions, specifically, seem to be like kryptonite for me. I often feel like I have to explain and set up every little detail that will follow, because if I don't, I'm afraid the reader will not understand a thing. I then end up with an extremely tedious and flat intro.

It's frustrating.

[Anonymous No.17570143]

>>17569879
I have the same problem. Whenever I have to come up with an introduction to something I've written, it feels as if my writing is all terribly contrived.

[Anonymous No.17570180]

>>17556924
an essay make a point or establishes an argument, and utilizes some sort of thesis

[Anonymous No.17570593]

The flash fiction anthology is at 41/50 with the final submission period approaching. Many prompts are available. Now is the time to check it out if you might be interested. >>17564705

[Anonymous No.17571247]

Working on a sci-fi novel and I'm a bit stuck on the justification for the setting. In short, it's about a biologist on a research base establishing peaceful relations with the intelligent life on a new planet. But where's the most logical profit in that?

Would the company be banking on finding new plants or animals or medicines they could sell? Would the goal be to develop the planet and sell the land itself to people looking for an exotic home? Or tourism? Would they simply want warm bodies as new workers and consumers? Or would it make the most sense if they were commissioned by some other planet's government to make contact?

[Anonymous No.17571318]

>>17571247
Write it out and let us know how it works when it's spat out on (digital) paper.

[Anonymous No.17571454]

Bump, would appreciate some feedback on my intro >>17568569

[Anonymous No.17571465]

>>17566983
There are a LOT of webnovels with 500+ chapters. Hell some popular webnovels have over a thousand chapters

[Anonymous No.17571504]

>>17571318
Well I mean, which makes the most logical sense? It's not what the book is about primarily, but it's important to know the overall goal of the 'expedition.'

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17571609]

Wrote a short horror story, would any of you read it?


https://pastebin.com/hwEwhvfg

[Anonymous No.17571638]

Does anyone else cringe when they write in the first person?

I feel like im self inserting myself into a story but my third person writting is clunky as hell

[Anonymous No.17571758]

>>17571504
there could be multiple things. biology may have some sort of application for profit but there's no reason that's all they're doing on the base. a joint venture between a company and a government would be normal.

[Anonymous No.17571766]

I need help, boyos.
I have a couple of different group and races in my story. Should I be writing out their 'ruleset' and 'lore' separately so I can see how they are going to fit into the story, or should I just make it up as I go along and hope it works out?
Do you 'world build' on a separate document?

[Anonymous No.17571977]

>browsing el reddito
>someone targeting a very similar audience that my story is asks for critique
>their story has some effort in it, so i give them some advice
>go back and read my own critique submission to make sure i'm not talking out my ass
>my writing absolutely blows theirs out of the water

If you ever need a nice confidence boost to get back in the swing of things, go check out a writing subreddit. People there are just as bad as they are here, and they actually post their work there to prove it.

[Anonymous No.17572005]

>>17571977
Highly narcissistic but probably still not wrong.
Any you'd "recommend?"

[Anonymous No.17572071]

>>17571766
no, and you shouldn't be worldbuilding too much anyway imo. As memey and cringe as he is, the youtuber Terrible Writing Advice nails it when you overdo it worldbuilding rather than actually writing. He calls it 'Worldbuilder's Disease'. Just write what relevant to the story and leave the rest to the imagination.

[Anonymous No.17572337]

>>17571766
Come up with as much of the world as you need to come up with to inspire you. Don't listen to the RRtard saying to avoid it. If you do that, you'll feel very much lost when you're trying to write your story. That said, be sure that you actually know how to write a compelling story before you go and spend a bunch of time worldbuilding, because they are two completely separate skillsets. Don't make your first real story something that requires a lot of it.

My specific suggestion would be to dream up some characters for each race, write a short bio or factsheet about them in their own section, and then write a short scene featuring each. If you do that you'll figure out pretty quickly what's important about them, what comes off as lame or interesting, how adding them to a scene impacts the dynamics of writing it, etc. And, chances are, plenty of what you write while doing so will make its way into your story anyhow, so it's not a real waste of time.

[Anonymous No.17572464]

>>17571609
>That morning she had sent for me saying she had a surprise for me
Try to avoid redundancies like using "for me," in the same sentence when possible.
>i eventually settled my eyes on her sloppy book shelf, filled with titles that showed her tastes clearly
The "eventually" and "clearly" in this sentence feel unnecessary. Try and make your sentences more concise and avoid over-inflating them.
>if we walk left we could go to the left most side of the building and climb down
Be careful about switching from past to present tense. It should be "if we walked left."
Some of the dialogue also felt a little awkward. For example;
>if not our own fancy shall plague us
This sentence doesn't really make sense and I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
Try and watch out for grammatical issues like capitalization as well. I noticed a lot of them when I was reading.
I thought the last line,
>her spiral dance and I wonder how I have become Lost in the sway of her Red dress
is great, though I would personally change it to, "...how I became lost..."
Keep at it anon, sounds like an interesting story. By the way, is English your second language anon? If so, then amazing work getting a story written in another language. I could never do it.

[Anonymous No.17572465]

Im starting a sci-fi story that requires made up terminology. However, I dont want to spend too much time worrying about the perfect names. Should I just write crappy terms now and edit it later?

[Anonymous No.17572501]

>>17572337
I'm not saying to avoid it, just keep in mind that you're first and firstmost writing a story. Do plan ahead, but don't get so caught up in lore that you forget about what you're investing all the time into it for. If you worldbuild too much then you won't have much to show, and you might as well use it for a tabletop setting or something instead. They call it Worldbuilder's Disease for a reason.

>>17572465
You could use the industrial standard called 'TK', which means "To Come" and figure it out later when something does come to mind.

[Anonymous No.17572577]

>>17572465
>not basing one's sci-fi story around a particular piece of technology that is possible but still fiction, as the genre title suggests
NGMI

[Anonymous No.17572633]

>>17572577
Its sci-fi fantasy with a hint of mysticism so...

[Anonymous No.17572770]

>>17571766
write some rules that you need to know in order to keep the world consistent, then lock them up and throw away the key. i don't want to read that shit. i know you think it's interesting but i think it's really boring. The number 1 problem with modern fantasy is that the author expects you to care about the world they've created before they've given you a reason to care about the people who live in it.

[Anonymous No.17572918]

>>17565670
I like your descriptions of the flora reclaiming the land.

[Anonymous No.17573049]

I'm writing a novel about a young girl who begins to privately investigate (now at chapter 5) a ritualistic murder cult, would it bother you (if you were reading it) if I skimped out on the clues/traces/trails leading to the cult and just wrote through the actions that lead her to them?

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17573086]

>>17572464
Rip, no I’m not a ESL. I just write with speed in order to capture unity of effect. I know it’s unnecessary but I like to force a small amount of rhyme and syllable count just to accelerate the feeling of the reading. The dialogue was intentionally a bit queer to feel a bit older ya know but my dialogue is often subpar. Longest work I’ve done is some 70? Pages and discussion in it is pretty minimal. Glad the story was interesting though!

[Anonymous No.17573746]

>>17573049
I'm having difficulty understanding what exactly you mean. If you mean describing her investigating something, being surprised, but not actually sharing that specific detail that made her be surprised with the reader, that'd be fine. You can add that detail in later. You're probably going to need to at some point. A mystery that doesn't share details with the reader is a failed mystery. Its deus ex mahcina writ large.

[Anonymous No.17573923]

>>17573746
Okay, you nailed it.
>being surprised, but not actually sharing that specific detail that made her be surprised with the reader, that'd be fine
Thanks. I'm going to do that.

[Anonymous No.17573954]

Anyone else feel forced to write? Like there's a gun to my head. I don't even want to but I can't sleep at night I just lay there thinking about my story

[Anonymous No.17573999]

>>17573954
Does nothing compel you to transfer those lingering thoughts in your head onto a piece of paper?

[Anonymous No.17574007]

>>17573954
I feel obligated to write, like a double-barreled shotgun is pointed at my head when my self-imposed deadlines come near and sometimes pass.

[Anonymous No.17574008]

>>17573999
I do, I'm working on a novel. It's just slow going

[Anonymous No.17574011]

>>17573954
That's exactly how you should feel, little man. Now you better go write that fuckin book. I wanna see 10,000 words by the end of the week.

[Anonymous No.17574030]

>>17574011
I work on it every day but I'm mostly just planning it out. Once I have all the pieces arranged like I need them then the words flow

[Anonymous No.17574066]

>>17574030
Will they?

[Anonymous No.17574093]

>>17574066
Once I had the elements I wanted for the introduction planned I was able to write it quite quickly. But I couldn't continue when I got to areas I hadn't finished planning yet. I don't want to waste space so every part is deliberate

[Anonymous No.17574400]

>Writing novel
>Scene pops into my head that I want to write but am terrified of others reading
>Skip it
How do I stop this?

[Anonymous No.17574435]

>>17574400
Outline

[Anonymous No.17574540]

>>17574400
just write a sex scene and then everything else you think about writing will be trivial

[Anonymous No.17575304]

>>17573954
>more cringe nonsense about the struggles of being a writer
Give it another year and you'll stop saying dumb shit.