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/lit/ - Literature

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17385992 No.17385992 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, I tried my hand at travel writing. It's a loose collection of observations made since moving to France. Would you read more of this? Is there an audience for this kind of stuff? Should I abandon all hope?

>https://larthurhunt.files.wordpress.com/2021/01/france-draft-01-1.pdf

Merci bien mes mecs.

>> No.17386005

>>17385992
Remove their stubby ends poking out of the bag like a bread bouquet. Otherwise a nice introduction, melt of the city rush is comfy

>> No.17386014

>>17386005

Aw dang, really eh. I liked the bread bouquet thing. Felt true to me.

>> No.17386023
File: 993 KB, 797x865, 1610314640492.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
17386023

>>17385992
Your sentences are very short, and you rely heavily on sentence fragments, though all I read was the image. Substitute some proportion of your periods for commas, please.

>> No.17386053

i'm reading it, i love travel writing, there's not enough of it, doesn't have to be complicated just perceptive and immersive, i think Linh Dinh is the best doing it atm https://www.unz.com/ldinh/

>> No.17386062

>>17386023

That segment is a little skewed - a bit more fragment-heavy than the rest of the piece. I try to vary the style throughout. Some heavily descriptive multi-clausal bits, others staccato.

>>17386053
Thanks, anon. I'll check out that link.

>> No.17386113

>>17385992
Not bad at all. I liked the informal, self-aware, cynical tone. I'd ditch some of the references (Halo armor and "Robin Hood ass hat") and social media lingo (cringe). Too immature for your style. I also thought you integrated your personal experiences with history and current events quite nicely.

>> No.17386121 [DELETED] 

>>17386113
>social media lingo (cringe)
Oh, and I should clarify: I'm not call you cringe, I'm referring to your use of the term cringe.

>> No.17386138

>>17386113

Thanks, so much. Your advice helps a lot re: the Halo/Robin Hood references. I wanted to add a little flare/humility to the prose but I guess that's the wrong way to do it. Last thing I want to be is a stuffy travel writer. But I guess an immature one is equally bad.

>> No.17386170

>>17386138
Nitpicking aside, it really is good, and I'd read more of your travel writing. My only other recommendation would be to get off the beaten path in the future. For example, your sections on the cops, the fire brigades, and the legal system were cool, but it would be even cooler if you could interview a French cop, or get a tour, and do something hands-on, you know? I think you could probably make some money on your writing if you just took it a step further.

>> No.17386177

>>17386170
Damn it, I'm tired. I meant: *get a tour of a fire or police station, or do a ride-along (I don't know if the French do anything like that - probably not), or something.

>> No.17386217

>>17386053
i finished it, which says something in itself since i mostly scroll by and skim things online, it was interesting, idk what to say in terms of advice, maybe needs more street-level atmosphere, more focus on individuals, more overall cohesion, flowing from one topic to the next rather than being split into distinct sections, but yeah it was good, keep at it

>> No.17386235

There are tidbits of information that are rather fascinating (an example being the police state). I'm not sure if I find them that compelling. I read a good deal of it, but you have a great deal of grace in that respect by being a fellow channer. You swing back and forth between moments of observation and judgement. I guess after thinking about that I've come to a conclusion about your piece. Whenever you tell of the country, I am interested. Whenever your own voice comes through, I am repulsed. This may sound offensive, and I'll admit we have different views of the world, but I found myself not caring about your perspective of the country. What you were able to observe was interesting enough. This may be a huge kick to your ego, but I recommend removing any opinion you may have and merely ponder on the difference. There's nothing I find more contemptuous about travel than the harsh judgement of a foreigner that has no skin in the game--treating people's countries like a zoo. In fact, I think nature documentaries treat their subjects with more openness than you did. I'm not even French for that matter. To sum it up, approach the country as if you don't have your own biases. They are off-putting to me. That includes points I may agree with you on.

>> No.17386251

I just downloaded it and will read it tonight!

>> No.17386253

>>17386251
Not OP but that's nice of you

>> No.17386302

>>17386235
Yeah it becomes very obvious at the last two pages.

>> No.17386322

>>17386177
Totally agreed about needing something more "on the ground". A bit tough with covid, but something to ponder for the future. Thanks for the advice.

>>17386217
Thanks! I'm glad you stuck through with it. That's an endorsement enough.

>>17386235
Do you mind my asking what specific points of judgment you were put off by? I tried my best not to imbue the piece with judgment. The pedo stuff at the end, I guess, is a bit more explicit in my judgment but if speaking out against a culture that shields sex criminals from prosecution is too judgmental then fuck it, that's a hill I'll die on. Overall I'm super grateful for my time in France and I really do love the society they've created, and I'll do better to integrate that respect and appreciation into the rest of the text

>>17386251
Preciate that, anon.

>> No.17386329

>>17386302
I mean, we are talking about pedophilia here. I don't know, I feel like that's fair game to critique. It's like living in Sudan and not making a comment about female genital mutilation.

>> No.17386345

>>17386322
>but if speaking out against a culture that shields sex criminals from prosecution is too judgmental then fuck it, that's a hill I'll die on
Your American protestant value system just becomes very obvious at that point. Just causes eye rolls for me. Not that Anon btw.

>> No.17386367

>>17386322
I'd say the pedo stuff was probably the most obvious, but I just don't see it's relevance. There's many examples from almost every country of the government aiding criminals. Epstein in the U.S. is evidence of this. I just don't see why you bring it up. It doesn't tell me about the country. It isn't travel. Remember your genre for each chapter.

>> No.17386373

>>17386345
Which is fair. I don't mind being judged by my value system. Travel writing without casting any judgment whatsoever seems stale to me. That's fine if it's not your thing, but making a generic value-loaded comment like "I don't like how pedophiles have historically been protected in France" seems pretty run of the mill to me. As writers we can inject a bit of ourselves into our prose. This isn't journalism. It's just a personal reflection

>> No.17386386

>>17386367
I included it because it shocked me. That's all. And I figured others would take interest in how deep the rabbit hole goes. I understand that every country abets criminals but France's case is way more explicit. Pedophiles were open about it and until very recently no one cared. Other countries conceal their scandals. The shock factor here is that it wasn't a secret

>> No.17386407

>>17386386
>The shock factor here is that it wasn't a secret
Europeans treat sexuality and the autonomy of "minors" very differently to Americans. You will see a lot more of those differences when you pay attention to them.

>> No.17386422

>>17385992
I read ten pages.
It's well written enough for journalism or a travel book.
I agree with
>>17386235
Your opinions are annoying and anglo. How can you comment on french police with assault rifles everywhere with 'police state' without mentioning the brutal mudslime terror attacks that have killed hundreds of frenchmen the past years? Heard of the Bataclan?

>> No.17386444

>>17385992
Just make it get gradually more schizo until the end.

>> No.17386454

>>17386422
He actually expands on that several pages in. Which is a nice reflection. A bit awkwardly written though.

>> No.17386469

>>17386422
Like the other anon says, I do comment on that. It was not my intention to come across as judgmental. I failed in that regard. Not too worked up about it though.

>>17386444
Lol, it kind of does anyway.

>> No.17386492

frog pedos seething ITT

>> No.17386621

>Noooo OP, don't say you don't live pedophiles! That's too anglo!

>> No.17386641

He's got a point with the corruption and the elite, like the juries of literary prizes (the French intellectual establishment has also been closer to the political elite than most places), so I'm sure a lot of sexual abuse is enabled thereby. But then again the French take on age of consent etc. is also pretty based. (The petition everyone loves to berate here, while I don't think it should've extended to them in effect being able to do whatever they wanted, did have a point.)

>> No.17386646

>>17386621
>>17386492
t. triggered anglo
have a you for your efforts

>> No.17386647

>>17386621
It turned into an opinion piece on politics. That's not travel. You can read that without visiting.

>> No.17386700

>>17385992
it's not cliched to carry around a baguette, it's just normal. Cliched doesn't mean normal. And you should probably say "a cliche" rather than "cliched", anyway -- cliched sounds pretentious.

>> No.17386726

>>17385992
It was nice, but maybe a little too political for my taste. I read travel blogs for descriptions of nature, architecture and ordinary-yet-very-interesting locals one meets. Your work has those, but in small amounts to the point it looks like a side dish to a piece on history and politics.

>> No.17386963

>>17385992
>>17386700
Yeah that last sentence is kinda off putting. It comes off as a little tryhard. I like the main idea you are communicating OP, that it’s sad how fast novelty wears off, but one gets the impression you are trying too hard to be literary and it distracts from the message. It lessens its “crunch”. I get the urge to grab you and say “revisit this image or impression and make it more genuine!”
As it is, it’s almost as if the impact of the paragraph is actually strengthened without the last sentence.
What I want to say is keep it simpler. Don’t put flowers where it’s not necessary. It’s distracting.

>> No.17387473

>>17386963
Thanks, this is genuinely useful. It's good to have that second set of eyes to find the pretentiousness that slips through my radar. I'm aware that I'm full of these little try hard literary bits

>>17386726
For sure. It's worth noting that this is unfinished, yet I've exhausted (almost) all the political topics. The ones to come are mostly personal anecdotes. For example, I was strip-searched by the police in the middle of the street after buying oxycodone and klonopin (unwittingly - I was looking for adderall). Probably the most terrifying moment of my life, thinking, welp, for sure I'm about to be deported and charged with a felony offense. In the end, they just took the drugs and let me off with a warning.

>> No.17387481

write about rendezvous with strange french women

>> No.17387482

>>17386963
It's funny, there's another anon in here who says cut the first sentence, then you and another say cut the last sentence. Like, come on guys, there's only 4 sentences in the whole segment lmao, is it really that bad? :'(

>> No.17387488

>>17387481
Lel that stuff's not that entertaining, though. And I'm also afraid my exes will read it and get in their feelings and make my life somehow worse.

>> No.17387498

>>17385992
i would turn a few dots and use commas

>> No.17387689

>>17387482
No, it’s not awful, your ideas and your perspective are interesting, but it has this annoying layer of tryhardness your need to get rid of.
Just keep writing and stop trying to “impress”. That’s what I mean when I say I want you to be more genuine. It honestly reads as how a young man would write if he was trying to impress a girl.
Miles Davis used to say he would never allow his musicians to bring their girls to gigs because it turned them tryhard, and thus, shit.

>> No.17387730

>>17385992
Going to read it later tonight thanks bud

>> No.17387853

>>17387689
I totally recognize that. I got you. It sucks, you know, cause I do in fact try hard. And it shows. I wish I could just make it look effortless

>> No.17388304

>>17387730
Awesome, thanks bud. Let me know what you make of it.

>> No.17388313

>>17387498
What does "turn a few dots" mean?

>> No.17389029

>>17385992
What font are you using?

>> No.17389045

>>17389029
EB Garamond. Good, bad?

>> No.17389104

>>17389045
One of the nicest out there, as far as free fonts go

>> No.17389235

The assault-rifle-wielding firefighters had me in fits, what a dumb fucking nations of absolute degenerates.

>> No.17390112

Also, would something like this have legs on, say, Substack? I don't intend to ever make a buck on this, but it'd be interesting to build a following/e-mail list where every week or two I put out a couple of thousand words sharing whatever comes to mind during my time abroad. Going to be bouncing a lot from country to country in the months/years ahead, so it might be a viable project while I'm doing a vagabond.

>> No.17390658

Can't believe how much shit you're getting for the pedo stuff, OP. Fucking hell

>> No.17391420

Have a bump, I will check out your stuff later OP, the contents of the picture interested me

>> No.17392203

>>17391420
thanks! very much appreciated, anon

>> No.17392345

>>17386014
i liked it anon :)

>> No.17392485

>>17392345
Respect! I'll be adding to it soon, more anecdote-heavy stuff and then political commentary.

>> No.17392493

>>17385992
I glanced at it and just have a minor editorial point: "superstructure" refers to culture, art, philosophy and so on and not to government or the upper classes.

>> No.17392499

>>17392493
Dannnggg. Been way too long since I've read any Marx/Engels. Thanks for that, I'll amend it

>> No.17392966

>>17387689
based Miles Davis

>> No.17393108

>>17385992
This is really good, normally I find Americans coming to Europe kind of cringe, but this is a solid tier above the average American college kid's "muh eurotrip"

>> No.17393383

>>17393108
I appreciate that, sincerely.

>> No.17394337
File: 2.89 MB, 2268x4032, PXL_20210102_104323666.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
17394337

pedos itt

>> No.17395317

>>17390112
I'm interested. I'd like to see one of us on lit make it there, anon