DCfag here. Rate my poem.

[Anonymous No.17327475]

I’m ready for the chaos.

[Anonymous No.17327688]

>>17327475
A republic, if you can keep it.

We couldn't.

[pip No.17327723]

>>17327688
make your room boy.
count the time i beat you sily.
watch all the kangroo cartons u like.
le big mac

[Anonymous No.17327742]

>>17327475
it's really bad anon. It doesn't flow at all
don't give up writing poetry though

[Anonymous No.17327886]

OK, on the plus side, you can spell and you have a broad and appropriate vocabulary, well suited to expository prose.
ALSO on the plus side: it has the brevity of a moment, and since you're portraying a *historical* moment, that is no mean trick.

As a poet you have two registers at hand, or at least two I can point out for you. One is PROSODY, which for most basic purposes, I would call an awareness of the sound, in terms of the vowel and consonant sounds (repetition and sequencing: rhyme is at the center of this) and SCANSION, which evaluates where the stress in the lines occur. For instance, PALE WINtry and in the next line aMIDST MONuments stack two stressed syllables right after each other. If you can conjure stuff like that on purpose, it draws attention--slows you down a bit.

The other level has to do with the use of concrete objects and physical actions to enrich the sequence of images you want flashing in the mind of the reader. "mouths" instead of "voices" in line 5, for instance.

Good luck with the revision.

[Anonymous No.17327924]

>>17327886
Thanks for the critique, fren.

[Blarty Hongo !WegkZP4tiw No.17327944]

>>17327475
Impressive you managed to jam so many clichés into just eight lines.

[Anonymous No.17328029]

>>17327475
Your economics of language isn’t very good.

[Anonymous No.17328040]

>>17327475
You rhymed fraud with eastward but then you rhymed eastward with words. Doesn't work like that because you would have to pronounce eastward different ways to achieve each rhyme.

[Anonymous No.17328247]

>>17327475
Here's my attempt for an edgy poem about current affairs.

"Prise"

While holding these truths (as well as the things
more practical to the current matter)
we find ourselves approaching a crisis
from which things can go (as usual) thus:

We can proceed on calmly as before,
and in doing we can never go back
or, perhaps we can go back further yet
and bring upon us things we only dreamed

I ready bayonet (qu'un sang impur)
for either one (aubreuve nos sillons)

[Anonymous No.17328558]

>>17327475
unless description contributes to your point
do not use it

[Anonymous No.17328576]

>>17328040
My poem doesn’t adhere to a rhyme scheme, mate.

[Anonymous No.17328624]

>>17327475
Thoughts?

[Anonymous No.17328872]

>>17327475
Here's a poem I composed.

There once was a President Trump,
A criminal, deranged, orange lump.
So we sent him in hiding.
Now we're riding with Biden'.
Oh, MAGA-tard, aren't you a chump?

[Anonymous No.17328874]

>>17328247
Someone please review my edgy poem :(

[Anonymous No.17328906]

Here's another poem.

There once was a National Guard
Needed to fight MAGA-tards,
We brought in twenty thousand,
With space hardly to house them,
And packed them in ten to a yard.

[Anonymous No.17328916]

>>17328247
>>17328874
Doesn't rhyme. No meter. English poetry was a mistake.

[Anonymous No.17328942]

>>17328872
>>17328906
Seethe harder.

[Anonymous No.17328967]

>>17328872
I like the flow but the n in the second to last is a big flow stopper

[Anonymous No.17328981]

>>17328874
gj king

[Anonymous No.17329058]

With friend and foe we march to the battle plain
Some to seek success, others to seek fame
We play with honor, for the love of this game
And with armor or without, we will toil in vain
So that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.

[Anonymous No.17329065]

>>17327475
you're a big dumb pussy

[Anonymous No.17329153]

>>17328624
Thanks for subscribing to my blog.

[Anonymous No.17329174]

"Rotting Wood"

The cold wind blows as I hear insects chirp
from inside. Outside, I see the tundra
tread itself across the land as the soil
hardens and coldens and crumbles
like dried blood.

I wait for it to get dark.
I wait for night to fall.
A cold snap, a hot snap.
I want it to fall apart.

They warned us about the termites in the walls.
If we had listened,
we wouldn't have to burn down the cabin.
Light the match.

[Anonymous No.17329213]

There once was a Capitol riot
Of Q-tards in need of a diet.
We hold them in odium,
'Cause they stole Nancy's podium.
Biden won. Don't try to deny it!

[Anonymous No.17329247]

>>17328906
>>17329213
Limericks are cringe, bro.

[Anonymous No.17329277]

There once was a failed insurrection
Because Republitards lost an election.
Nothing's so vile as revolution
Against republic and Constitution,
So we threw 'em in a house of correction.

[Anonymous No.17329304]

>>17329277
>Nothing's so vile as revolution
>Against republic and Constitution,
You mean like that time some rednecks rebelled against their government and laws back in 177something? Yeah, imagine if they got their way.

[Anonymous No.17329368]

>>17329304
Ugh, I forgot this was a board of illiterates. Get educated, chud.

[Anonymous No.17329417]

>>17329368
Your writing style is effeminate and passive aggressive.

[Anonymous No.17329570]

>>17328576
Yes it does
It's AABCB(?)DB(?)
Sorry to burst your bubble but sky and wide rhyme; ellipse and tyrants rhyme when emphasize the sibilant s; fraud and eastward rhyme when you pronounce eastward with a short a; eastward and words rhyme naturally or to make it consistent with fraud and eastward you pronounce words with a short a.

[࿇ C Œ M G E N V S ࿇ !KNDYSEULU. No.17329737]

>>17327475


REVOLUTION? MORE LIKE: AGENDIZED REVOLT.

THE POEM IS PURE KITSCH, AND INDICATIVE OF THE AUTHOR'S POLITICAL INGENUOUSNESS, ALTHOUGH, FORMALLY, IT IS WELL CONSTRUCTED.

[Anonymous No.17330160]

>>17328624
you must be 18 years of age to post here

[Anonymous No.17330233]

>>17327475
If it doesn't rhyme it's not a poem you nigger.

[Anonymous No.17330280]

>>17328247
CRINGE!. OH YOU FUCKING CUNT STOP. CRINGE !..........CRINGE!

[࿇ C Œ M G E N V S ࿇ !KNDYSEULU. No.17330844]

>>17330233


FALSE.