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/lit/ - Literature

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17284436 No.17284436 [Reply] [Original]

I know that the English language has no rules but I'm struggling with this sentence.

>I am calling to say that I will send over a big guy to punch you in the balls once a day for the rest of your life until you pay me 10 Bitcoins.

>I am calling to say that I will send over a big guy to punch you in the balls once a day for the rest of your life, until you pay me 10 Bitcoins.

I think the latter (with the comma near the end) sounds better and it's what I want to use but I worry that I'm missing something.

>> No.17284454

why would you put a comma there?

>> No.17284465

>>17284436
>I know that the English language has no rules
While I do enjoy being smug about the fact that every other nation has been forced to learn my language, you fucking troglodytes have butchered it in the past few decades.

>> No.17284509

>>17284436
Depends on how you want the sentence to sound in the reader’s head. Should there be a pause between life and until or not?

>> No.17285265

>>17284436
The style of the first sentence is better, and I think it emulates the tone you might be going for more, but the comma makes the sentence more decipherable (although the first sentence is still easily understood). I'd personally go with the first sentence, this isn't German.
Also this: >>17284465. English DOES have rules, along with every other language on the face of the planet. You aren't a linguist studying how the apes communicate; supposedly you're an author who's attempting to give the very best the language has to offer. If you're attempting to write a literary work, strive for the sublime. The language deserves no less than the best. That being said, this sentence is awful. It doesn't feel like real dialogue, and it doesn't strive to be better than real dialogue. Personally I would formulate it as one of the following:
>Listen bud, if you don't send me 10 bitcoins, my buddy here's gonna fuck your nuts up real bad ("realistic").
>Your balls will be pulverized to dust in the quake of my hired help... unless you pay my fee ("aesthetic").
Regardless, you're probably writing comedy, so take this advice in context. You should be able to have flexibility in your writing, and make yourself easily understood while not sacrificing quality.

>> No.17285280

>>17284436
Either is fine so omit the comma. Only use a comma when not using a comma would cause confusion.