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/lit/ - Literature

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File: 858 KB, 2816x2112, pocket rain 1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715309 No.1715309 [Reply] [Original]

I slept late and had some dodgey dreams, which inspired me to write this. It's the first thing I've done in such an odd style (which I think comes from a couple of Beckett poems I read). It seemed most appropriate to capture the nonsense feeling of dreams. I'd love to know what you think of it, especially if it's constructive.

Conversations in a dream

arc back in codas
rotations in a mist
funny (strange and laughing)
like mirrors in mirrors
rotations swallow the gist

>> No.1715317
File: 953 KB, 2112x2816, pocket rain 2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715317

bump

>> No.1715332
File: 602 KB, 2000x1189, john atkinson grimshaw.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715332

rebumping

I thought someone would have something to say by now! I've even given you a comic and wallpaper, jeez /lit/.

>> No.1715337

>>1715309
Last line doesn't work IMHO.
Rest is good.

>> No.1715346

>>1715332

It's one of those slow hours on this board. Just be patient.

Me, I'm no English speaker so I don't really 'get' poetry in English. Same with your piece here. All I can say is that I like the rhythm of the words.

But thanks for the wallpaper. Please bump more with similar wall art.

>> No.1715350
File: 100 KB, 1200x900, dream thingy v4.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715350

>>1715337
Thanks, I'm giving that a think over now. "Swallow" perhaps has a different feel to the rest of the poem. It sounds too much like an action, whereas the rest is described more as events.

I'm saving all criticism.

>>1715346
I'm glad you like the rhythm, thanks. I'll see what other images I can produce.

>> No.1715352

I really like it. It has a feel to it.

>> No.1715354

Works well.
Mirrors in mirrors leave it ambiguous, but hey that could be what your going for.

>> No.1715376
File: 162 KB, 700x1003, mick peters.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715376

>>1715352
Thank you!
>>1715354
Yeah, I am kind of going for ambiguous, at least mysterious. "Mirrors in mirrors" was referring to a repitition in dreams, of how one word or image might lead to another similar word or image, even if it might not quite make sense. It's what "codas" is referring to as well, and the repitition in the "mist" and "gist" lines.

>> No.1715595
File: 1.11 MB, 1680x1050, northern lights wallpaper.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715595

I have made some slight alterations and come bearing more wallpaper. If you have any more comments and suggestions regarding my poem, I'd be grateful.

Conversations in a dream

words arc back in codas
rotations in a mist
funny (strange and laughing)
like mirrors in mirrors
rotations cloud the gist

>> No.1715972
File: 1.81 MB, 2112x2816, DSCN0693.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1715972

One last bump before bed