/poetry crit/ thread

[Anonymous No.17015602]

A while ago I made a poetry critique thread and posted some of my work.
The poem wasn't that good and you sure let me know.
I hope I have improved since. Here it is:

Meadow Ode

The unpaved road grooves across the field
Carried by a bridge over a rippling river
Along weathered pollard willows stand
And the starlings dub them home

The fog hovers over the barnyard fore down
Oxen and sheep slowly over the meadow stroll
Bath themselves merrily in the morning dew
Hurried not by city bells or ticking clocks

The farmer awakes from his slumbers
Long-lasting day of hefty labor before him
With roots in the soil he cultivates
He stands in unity with his forefathers

I spurn you not countryside meadow
Let them slander and rage
For they will ne'er recognize
You are eternal and forever will be

[Anonymous No.17015756]

as wagies shuffle by in the snow
i smugly bask in the fire's glow
they sold their labor to the lowest bidder
i sit online all day calling strangers nigger

[Anonymous No.17016144]

How to do I write a poem that sounds like ice breaking?

[Anonymous No.17016186]

>>17016144
*crack* the great ice sheet goes
*kkrrrrrrr* through the valley it echoes
*fffssshhhh* the once-hid water slooshes upwards
*oh snap* I think *I'm fucking dead as shit*
*whoooouuuuuoooohhhh* the valley goes, sending away frantic birds
*glup* goes the swallowing of me, this is it
Muffled I hear the continuous cracking
Numb makes me feel the creeping cold stacking
Itself into my skin, yes my bones
Too late to be found alive, even by drones

[Anonymous No.17016218]

I have noticed that I use a lot of the same words and phrases in my poetry? Is this my distinct style, or a sign of a lack of imagination?

[Anonymous No.17016228]

>>17016218
Idk much about poetry (as you may tell from >>17016186) but I enjoyed the picture you painted. However the language you use seems needlessly archaic, as if you were focusing more on technique or making it look as if, rather than the actual theme of the poem. Also it didn't rhyme but whatever

[Anonymous No.17016244]

>>17016218
>>17016228
Oh im not OP.

[Anonymous No.17017368]

>>17015756
>>17016186

Nice poems anon

[Anonymous No.17017459]

The West goes down
Niggers riot as cities burn
I open my wallet
It’s filled with spaghetti

[Anonymous No.17017489]

wayward satin flame
chemically castrated
inside a paper crane
time is an open cage.

[Anonymous No.17017492]

>>17015602
I like a lot of the stuff in your poem, but it's not structured properly. To start with it is too much like a list of things that are 'the x y's the z' until the last stanza. There needs to be an implicit logic in how it develops, it needn't be narrative, but there has to be something that ties each line to the others were you to step back and view it from above, there should be like a tree of central meaning whose branches end in each line of the poem.

The other big problem is that the last stanza spells out the meaning of the poem too baldly, it sounds like the conclusion of an essay, it's kind of artless, and the bit about 'let them slander and rage' has no object and is a bit juvenile given the content of the poem. To communicate this sentiment more poetically you need to come up with a metaphor or an image that grows organically from those in the previous stanzas. This subtextual second layer should contain the dramatic element beneath the overt meaning, but that latter has also to have something defining its structure it as I said before.

It is successful at painting the image of the place and the way you feel about it, though you could rework several lines just in terms of flow and again making them slightly less declarative and more symbolic.

[Anonymous No.17017514]

>>17015602
I won't post my poetry because it's good enough where you will steal it.

[Anonymous No.17017552]

>>17015602
Far too saccharine for my tastes.

[Anonymous No.17017555]

And the radio goes on
And my soon to be ex-wife
Talks with her parents
On the telephone
And on the radio there's a song
About a boy who lost his heart
To a girl that took it
And never gave anything in return
And I thought the boy was lucky
Because he was young
And didn't have to deal with
All this fucking paperwork.

[Anonymous No.17017562]

>>17017459
Derivative.

[Anonymous No.17017585]

>>17017555
Funny, and all too real. Not the most 'poetic' poem though. Rather, it reads like a long sentence.

[Anonymous No.17017958]

>>17015602
wrongings, belongings,
frontlines are quiet,
my escape is sound
her chest is burning,
i am a foam
my mind is rock
deeply buried in sand
dry and wet, my house
my orchard
my rosy garden
is left untended,
glass has shattered
i roam and row,
Tranquility, contempt,
Fire suppressed