university, grad and depression+anxiety

[Anonymous No.16862028]

I can't stand my grad anymore. I do letters and linguistics grad but I can't do it no more. I don't know if it's the course's problem or me vs university. Everytime I have to do something minimal for the course I have the sudden urge to die, to perfurate my both eyes with a knife and never having to deal with all this circlejerk bullshit anymore. I feel like I'm useless, that my course is useless, that I'm losing my time. I don't care about the course's subjects, problems, etc, I don't care about any of this bullshit, I just chose this course because it was easy to enter and I like reading, better saying, I LIKED reading, because I feel so constantly sad and suicidal that I can't even read anymore, only during vacations that I forget that my course exists. At the same time, I like an extreme fear of dying of hunger or becoming an eternal-money-sufferer. I don't see myself being a teacher, I don't see myself progressing in my academic life because everything about it makes me wanna die. I feel like I'm too old to give up and restart my life (22) because I have many friends already finishing their grads, while I'm in the middle of it and wanting to die so I don't have to complete the other half of the course.
I just want to become happy again. My life is all good besides that. I feel imense pressure.
I had dreams, I had hope, everything ended since my grad, I just feel sad and hopeless.

What should I do? Besides searching for therapy
Have you gone through something like this?

[Anonymous No.16862045]

22 is really young. Relax

[Anonymous No.16862057]

>>16862028
>I like an extreme
i have*

[Anonymous No.16862100]

>>16862028
>I feel like I'm too old to give up and restart my life (22)
Anon, 22 is not too old to pick a new career path.

[Anonymous No.16862112]

>>16862028
lol zoomer go

[Anonymous No.16862126]

>>16862028
I went through something similar at the end of my lit studies. My advice would be : read some buddhism and do some meditation in order to get your mind out of this circle of dark thoughts, and then force yourself to pick up a job, or short job formation opposite to what you used to do, something more practical, where you'll actually feel useful (I became a nurse, for example).

[Anonymous No.16862147]

>>16862028
It's okay, RC. Cher up.

[Anonymous No.16862167]

>>16862126
anon, that's what i was thinking before corona started and jobs gone completely downhill in my country (14%), i also feel that i need to do something practical to feel useful to society
i'll try to fight sadness and try to read buddhism and do meditation
thanks

>>16862100
sometimes i feel this, but the constant pressure of my parents is driving me completely insane, no matter what i do, for my father, i'm a forever failure, i feel the childish urge to show him that i can more than he expects me to be, which is hard since i have depression and anxiety since 12 years old due to parental abandonment

[Anonymous No.16862185]

>>16862167
Good luck anon. You'll make it.

[Anonymous No.16862221]

Read the Bible and do any trade

[Anonymous No.16862257]

>>16862221
>do any trade
?

[Anonymous No.16862261]

>>16862221
>>16862257
Forex gurus have reached /lit/
It's over

[Anonymous No.16862280]

you won’t find any answers here, you need to figure this out yourself. figure out if this is what you want to do or not... and homeless people don’t starve

[Anonymous No.16862329]

>>16862280
>you won’t find any answers here
probably, but i wanted to hear opinions and know if anyone had similar experiences to share

[Anonymous No.16862350]

>>16862028
kek, was in your situation and I dropped out

[Anonymous No.16862489]

>>16862028
You think your professors and peers actually enjoy it? It's work. Finish your degree and teach yourself how to code in your free time, you're gonna be just fine I can tell you're a smart kid.

>>16862261
>>16862257
>>16862221
He means go to trade school you bourgeoise snobs

[Anonymous No.16862501]

>>16862045
I'm in pretty much the same situation as OP and I'm 26. Should I an hero?

[Anonymous No.16862546]

>>16862028
Ehi anon, I went through something similar - it will most likely go away. It is a very common experience but I sort of started to "fix" this when I stopped looking at what I was doing and started to take a look at myself: the problem with me (I don't know if this is the case with you) was that having to deal with all this new stuff was making me really insecure. After having been felt like a good and creative student in high school I was now seeing that there was a whole world of experts on things I had no idea of, and, especially, students who were far better than me. But instead of addressing my insecurity I kept building up more and more complex arguments on how the literature (especially secondary) which we were reading was pointless and stupid. Then I continued studying, started feeling a bit more confident, and things got better, but it's normal to feel overwhelmed by academic stuff. Especially at 22 (which was exactly when I was feeling like that, btw). By 25 it sort of stopped, though.
Luckily some of the mental energy I put into criticizing literature sort of "translated" into methodological criticism I can now use during seminars, so it wasn't all wasted. I hope you'll get through this, anon! My advice is to keep going, if you like literature. As for love of reading, I regained it by reading regularly outside of my field - mostly novels and poetry unrelated to what I was studying atm, no secondary literature.
If it gets too painful, consider changing. 22 is absolutely not too late to change field. Lots of people just power through a PhD and do it at 29 when it's way more difficult (but still possible). So don't feel like shit for it, nobody possibly gives a shit what you do, and you don't have to prove to anyone that you can do something that you don't like.
Good luck.

[Anonymous No.16862582]

>>16862028
Get away from academia, you won't make a living off it
There ARE other jobs linked to literature, outside of academia, you'll just have to look for it
Your life is far from over, just gotta change things up a bit

[Anonymous No.16862724]

>>16862028
>I feel like I'm too old to give up and restart my life (22)
>mfw

what career are you studying?

[Anonymous No.16863040]

>>16862724
lettres (lit and linguistics)

[Anonymous No.16863064]

im experiencing something similar, doing a masters in lit was planning on academia, very stressed about money issues, ruining my passion by making it work, that the literary establishment is largley hackey frauds etc. have picked up coding in my spare time as a fall back and its helped my anxiety a lot, having a concretely tangible skill is very reassuring

[Anonymous No.16863098]

>>16863064
Not OP but I hear this thing about "learning how to code" pretty often. Can I realistically do that if my STEM knowledge is that of highschool? And where do I start?

[Anonymous No.16863120]

>>16862501
Nah. You got until age 75, if it doesn't work out by then, you're fucked

[Anonymous No.16863140]

>>16862028
>restart my life (22)
You're 22. Stop being such a whiny cunt. Although if you're a virgin, which you most likely are because you sound like you have no balls, i'd definitely consider what you just said in your post.

[Anonymous No.16863145]

>>16862582
Like what?

[Anonymous No.16863200]

This is unironically what Nietzsche and Stirner is for. As philosophy it sucks but it can help you to push through a difficult decision by making you focus on nobody but yourself.

[Anonymous No.16863208]

>>16862028
you belong in middle management and insurance.

[Anonymous No.16863262]

>>16862028
>I don't see myself being a teacher
I'm in a vaguely similar position. 21, final semester of my History undergrad. I can barely bring myself to do the 4 or 5 remaining essays in my university career- it's like pulling my fingernails out with pliers. I get a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I even think about starting some school-related work. It's not that I'm worried about failing (I always be quite well, usually an A- at minimum), I just don't fucking want to do it. What's keeping me going right now is looking forward to being an ESL teacher. That sounds kind of pathetic but I've wanted to get out of the hamster wheel (elementary school -> high school -> university -> extra certifications -> work for decades -> die) forever. I love the idea of only working ~30 hours per week (and even that is barely "working"- from what acquaintances have told me lots of that time will be spent reading in an office) and having loads of money and time to explore new places, read, eat weird food, etc. What I'm trying to say is that maybe you just need an end-goal instead of the nebulous end-point of "idk maybe grad school but I hate it". Remember that we have the gift of being incredibly young. There are LOTS of 22, 25, even 30 year olds who are completely lost and still scrounging around in the muck, barely getting by. I know it feels like shit but I strongly recommend you put your head down and finish your undergrad. It's stupid but having an undergrad degree with your name on it still means a lot in regard to what kind of jobs you can do and how much you're going to hate said jobs. We're all gonna make it, bud.

[Anonymous No.16863271]

>>16863262
>I don't see myself being a teacher
I should mention that I DON'T really see myself as being in love with being a teacher, but I recognize that it might be the best path if I want a mix of gomfy + money. We all need to do something for money.

[Anonymous No.16863403]

>>16862546
interesting point, maybe i'm experiencing something like that, atm is very confusing
>>16863064
>>16863098
same, hearing about coding a lot, i'll search more on the subject
>>16863262
this is basically what keeps me going "i need a diploma", it changes a lot the job opportunities, at least in my country

[Anonymous No.16863456]

>>16863403
>it changes a lot the job opportunities
That's the spirit, Anon. I know what you're feeling but just put your head down and GRIND THAT SHIT! You're so far in already, keep going buddy. Just think of the kinds of slave-tier jobs you'd likely have to do without a degree, then think if the white-collar kinda cushy jobs you'll have access to with the degree. Multiply that by 40 for every year of your working life and that's a little hit of motivation right there.

[Anonymous No.16863491]

>>16863098
>>16863403
Start with Python or JS. Watch indian youtube tutorials. Do leetcode and make a project on github(just remake someone elses project). You probably won't end up at a big n or a good startup but once you build up a bigger github portfolio and do small jobs on taskrabbit and shit you'll get better.

[Anonymous No.16863528]

>>16863491
is starting directly with C also viable? I have heard people use that more often

[Anonymous No.16863593]

I’m in a vaguely similar situation at 22. After high-school I went into maths not because I really liked it but because 1/ I despised business 2/ my father (self made man born of uncultured lower class jews) had ingrained in me a disdain for the humanities 3/ I wasnt taught an instrument 4/ I wanted to impress him and here (France), mathematics is by far the most presitigious thing to do. After working like mad for three years I got into the countrys best program, continued to study maths for 2 years (all this time I had insomnia and mild depression so I never could study efficiently, I just sacrificed everything else hoping itd work) and now Im starting to lose my hair, fucking girls I don’t really like and learning tons of useless shit like Greek or piano or reading Huysmans and I can’t even fathom continuing to do maths. Also maths made me crazy but I’m recovering fortunately. Thanks for reading my story

[Anonymous No.16863608]

>>16862028
Drop out. There is nothing more pathetic in life than having a diploma.

[Anonymous No.16863643]

Im also 22 and in a similar situation OP.But I dont think that knowing this helps anyone,it doesnt help me at least.
I should be graduating this year,but I have postponed it by failing classes just by not doing anything.
I dealt with online classes reasonably well but I screwed up again some months ago and maybe I will have to stay longer to graduate.If I do graduate,I will surely feel like I dont deserve it,being mostly by luck and professors that dont care enough to grade you in a just way.
Ive taken up music as a hobby and reading again after years during this pandemic.I dropped exercising and am trying to ditch pornography.But to be honest in my best moments I dont feel fulfilled,I only think about things that make me embarassed of myself and when or if I overcome them I dont actually feel anything.

[Anonymous No.16863647]

>>16863593
Were you the "bête de concours" type ?
There's at best a loose connection between literature and mathematics. However, you could use the logic you've grown experienced with in maths, for other endeavours.

I meet the humanities type everyday, myself. You're miles ahead of us at 22. You could steer your life in any direction you'd like.

[Anonymous No.16863654]

>>16863528
It's easier if you get the gist of coding without having to think about memory allocation. If you go through a tutorial course on C and get it then by all means dive in. Python and JS are really important to know though, and they're the easier languages for beginners.

[Anonymous No.16863945]

>>16863647
No the teachers saw me as the free spirit type, when I was the insomnia type. During the concours I slept two hours a night on average. As for the steering part yes, thanks,I know I’m not in a bad situation and I shouldn’t complain but I felt like writing up a blog post

[Anonymous No.16863954]

>>16863945
But yes I was gifted in maths

[Anonymous No.16864056]

>>16862028
I'm not necessarily suggesting you give up, but I've known people twice your age who restarted their lives because they were unhappy with the paths they chose. None of them regretted it. Is there a professor you like and trust? You could try talking to one of them about it and seeing what they think.

[Anonymous No.16864095]

>>16864056
Saddly, no. I can't connect with my professors :/ I'll try one of those counseling things

[Anonymous No.16864111]

>>16862028
This made me laugh because I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same
I love you, anon

[Anonymous No.16864236]

>>16864095
>I'll try one of those counseling things
See that you do. And remember school isn't something worth dying over. Is there anything related to your degree that you could imagine yourself doing? Maybe something in publishing? Editor?

[Anonymous No.16864807]

>>16862028
Drop out. Your major is shit, get into stem or accounting.

[Anonymous No.16865022]

>>16862045
>>16862100
>>16863140
>>16863200

Fucking these. Stop being a melodramatic whiner and go get 'em. Be daring. Do your own thing. It's the smoothest but also the most demanding time at 20-25, but those are still hopeful years. Break a leg and bite your teeth until you start spewing blood, and you'll make it. From 25 onwards it's going to be a rocky road if you haven't already made it. And when you're 25+ stuck with a meme degree, with gloomy prospects for the future and student loans or w/e other real problems, you can come back here to cry about it or join /r9k/ with the other l0sers. Until that you aren't going to get sympathy from me.

[Anonymous No.16865049]

>>16862221
I need book recommendations that make me drop out of uni and go learn a trade. It might sound dumb but im basically failing uni and im unable to resign since it feels like im letting go of a potential higher pay and prestigious position. Frankly I don't really care about the money but it makes me sick how I only care about how im perceived by other people FUCK

[Anonymous No.16865149]

>>16862028
>I feel like I'm too old to give up and restart my life (22) because I have many friends already finishing their grads, while I'm in the middle of it and wanting to die so I don't have to complete the other half of the course.
RIP in peace anon, I know that feel. I'm 27 but almost done with my undergrad, used to work in a trade though beforehand. Yet I know that feel of lagging behind your peers. At that point it feels like a play of chess where you made a wrong move, lost one or more figures and every move you do looks like shit.
I will give you some good advice: Finding a proper gf to marry is more important than finishing earlier. Obviously online classes won't help you in that.
Why not start applications for a job? It's not like you need your grad for future jobs if you won't stay in academia either.

[Anonymous No.16865199]

>>16865049
Probably Nassim Taleb's Antifragile, because he drops heavy criticisms against the academic world and contends that most of (if not all) social sciences and economics are just bunch of BS.

[Anonymous No.16865275]

>>16862028
Anon, our entire generation is like that. I'm 23 and I feel exactly the same, and I know shitload of people our age who feel like it too. Im doing MA in chinese although my lazy ass wasn't studying those past 4 years and now every class is a traumatic expierience, cuz' i dont have any idea what the fuck they are all taking about. But i got a job testing vidya so its pretty comfy. Also, the major depressive episode I had last winter unlocked my potential as a writer, so Im writing a novel right now and it helps a lot with the exhausted nerves.

[Anonymous No.16865642]

>>16862028
>I have many friends
And yet you're complaining to us? kys