Books for what I feel

[Anonymous No.16748623]

For as long as I can remember I've had an irrational fear and hatred of authority and not being in control. I only got worse as I've grown older. I was raised catholic but honestly while still believing in God find myself resentful and cynical towards him sometimes hoping he is apathetic instead of involved. I find myself apathetic if not outright disdainful of my own culture with most of my life spent hating my own nation and feeling like an outsider among my people. My parents tell me that even as a toddler I went days without eating because they tried to get me to eat when I didn't want to and I was unwilling to give in. I have gone to therapy, priests, and many other places to understand this feeling but I can't shake it. Does this outlook sound familiar or is there any books that would articulate what I am thinking because at this point I just distract myself from my own thoughts as much as possible and get angry if left to think too much. I've had to lie to everyone in my life about my feelings and am actually pretty popular and well liked by my peers. But I know that this is only because I have carefully fabricated a personality and pretend to be a loving kind person. I legit have to fake anguish when bad things happen to people I think I care about.

[Anonymous No.16748631]

>>16748623
>My parents tell me that even as a toddler I went days without eating because they tried to get me to eat when I didn't want to and I was unwilling to give in

> I've had to lie to everyone in my life about my feelings and am actually pretty popular and well liked by my peers. But I know that this is only because I have carefully fabricated a personality and pretend to be a loving kind person. I legit have to fake anguish when bad things happen to people I think I care about.

Very unbased and cringe, my dude.

[Anonymous No.16748634]

>>16748631
Your telling me,

[Anonymous No.16748642]

>>16748634
My advice is to live as far away as possible from your parents and stop lying to yourself that you're some sort of sociopath. I hope you're not over 21 with this mentality.

[Anonymous No.16748652]

>>16748623
>take atheism pill
>feel relieved
>leave home
>start new life, have new experiences
>discover the reason I was so fucked up was because of everyone around me with their needs and motives cluttering my emotions
>discover that being along with the option for company is the best way to live if or until I find all the right people
>slowly become accustomed to making my own decisions and eventually understand my emotions better
>I am now capable of love again, sometimes
>I laughed genuinely at something yesterday and then laughed again when I remembered it today, on the job, heedless of my surroundings
>felt happy

There is hope anon.

[Anonymous No.16748665]

>>16748642
Don't think I am a sociopath I just can't show my emotions honestly. I do feel things for other people but I can't display that so I have to fake it. The whole authority thing I have learned to deal with maturely in that I don't just sperg out when my boss or parents want me to do anything as i did as a child. I simply feel paranoia about not being in control and have to fight with myself about it.

[Anonymous No.16748670]

>>16748665
I have not now nor ever harmed another person without feeling intense guilt actually. I probably would do well in any combat sport because I would hesitate to harm someone I don't personally dislike

[Anonymous No.16748676]

>>16748670
>wouldn't do well
fuck

[Anonymous No.16748678]

>>16748623
That is a very homoerotic painting

[Anonymous No.16748683]

>>16748678
yes, yes it is. It's from Dante's inferno and represent the layer of hell associated with the sin of wrath.

[Anonymous No.16748693]

>>16748683
I know, I've seen it before. They're doomed to feast on each other's blood like vampires for eternity, I believe. If this is what hell is like, sign me up.