/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.16697879]

Helo frens
I am writing a little short story about birbs. I was wondering, do you think the introduction is fun and intradesting or just generally lacking and poor.
Thanks for feedback if you'd bother.

[Anonymous No.16697884]

>An old man’s pencil-sharp discovery of his imminent death punctures the fabric of existence, ripping open a dimensional rift. A beak gets sucked into the rift with a shlurp and a hffffff, plugging the hole. The rest of the bird must be stuck. On the other side of the puncture the old man is reclining in a leather chair. His lazy eye is dancing. A muscle on the left side of his old man nose spasms. A one, a two. A one, a two. The muscle sheet running up along the left side of his neck joins in, tugging at the back of his jaw. The man’s eyebrows drop over his eyes and the skin between them folds to a ridge. “Hum.” What now.

>The beak wriggles, a one, a two. A one, a two. The rift widens little by little and then goes POP! and the crow’s head is sucked through. One lazy and one healthy eye bulge and a breathless squawk is emptied into a white-walled room. The spasms spread down the old man’s left trapezius, over the shoulder and ripple through his left chest muscle. A one, a two. The man’s coronary artery cramps. His eyebrows jump, the skin folds of his forehead sweep back towards his ears, his lips smack apart and form a toothless ellipse. The crow’s mantle slips through the puncture, and the bird is ejected in a cloud of ruffled feathers. “Huh!” the man gasps. The rift slams together, and stays shut.

[Anonymous No.16697888]

>An old crow with a lazy eye finds itself in a waiting room. On its left a feathered velociraptor with a telephone headset sits behind a glass panel, engaged in clerk work. On it’s right, the room opens up. Two transmission lines weighed down by a smattering of birds run along the perimeter of the room. The perching birds seem too preoccupied haggling with a pelican whose beak is full with crawling mealworms to take notice of the crow.

>“I’d advise you to step away, black ruffled one. You’re in the area designated for interdimensional rift openings.” The clucks come from a plucked hen, half-visible under a mess of straw. “I’m serious, step away, interdimensional collisions gets nasty.” The crow takes a step, wobbles a little. It’s been a long time since it last was a bird. And what’s this about crow? “You should find a perch, this might take some time. I’m afraid the tree is full, hop on ONE transmission line. You crows don’t mind them right. Make sure you don’t touch both of them simultaneously” the hen continues. “We had a, stork I think, did that some time ago. All that remained were a long row of paired feet. Foul business all together. Velociraptor was furious.”
>The crow cranes its neck, peeks down at its chest and feet. A crow? A crow!? “cRAww caw cAW!!?”
>“Lost your voice have you too, hm. Ruffled, monochrome, lazy-eyed and voiceless. What condition. Spent too long in the first plane of existence I take it. Well, it’s not like customer service listens to complaints regardless. Sit tight until you’re called up. You might be taken where you’re supposed to go. 17th plane from the looks of you. Cluck cluck, cheerio now, hop along.”

>The old crow takes another unsure step, looks around. Groups of birds dot the waiting room, chittering, cooing, quibbling over mealworms and other morsels. A young scarlet macaw swaggers past the crow, beak held high. A quarrel of mouse brown sparrows orbit her, waxing lyrical of her beauty while shooting spear-tipped stares in every direction. “Get the pip away from her creep” one squeals, “yeah, get the pip pip away old ruffled pedo” another adds. “Caw!” “We’ll pippin’ pip you up!” The old crow huffs and sends a rotting glance back with its healthy eye. What a little bastard. Deserving of a pecking. Did it not realise it was sizing up a bird-of-paradise? This crow business was an egregious mistake. Someone would hear about this mess. Hah, plucked hens and insolent sparrows. The absolute state of interdimensional waiting rooms these days.

[Anonymous No.16697897]

>>16697884
>>An old man’s pencil-sharp discovery of his imminent death punctures the fabric of existence, ripping open a dimensional rift. A beak gets sucked into the rift with a shlurp and a hffffff, plugging the hole...

This needs to be edited. Take more time on this, the rest has a good feel.

[Anonymous No.16698088]

pls respond

[Anonymous No.16698463]

I will read it to my jackdaw friend tomorrow, but I don't think he's going to like it tbph

[Anonymous No.16698480]

I like it anon neat concept, just needs some detail work. Anymore? Or way to read whole thing when you finish?

[Anonymous No.16698494]

I would say it's fun, but not interesting. Generally lacking, sure, but not poor. I don't think bird conversations are very aesthetically rewarding, personally.

[Anonymous No.16698552]

>>16698480
I don't know where to share writing. This is the first time I ever do so

>>16698494
Do you have any overarching suggestions for areas of lack? Not finding bird conversations aesthetically rewarding is of course a fair point.

[Anonymous No.16698573]

>>16698552
like >>16698480 said, just do some detail work. Flesh out the waiting room. Flesh out the old man. Maybe pull back the narrative scope, maybe justify the avian fixation of the entire story to begin with.
Is English your second language?

[Anonymous No.16698635]

>>16698573
Good feedback. Thanks.
>Is English your second language?
Yes. How can you tell?

[Anonymous No.16698649]

I would like it more if it was about a woodpecker instead of a crow, except instead of being a woodpecker he'd be a hungry lil dimensionpecker.