Critique Thread

[Anonymous No.16269562]

Is this too gay?. I'm trying to write an autobiography as a neet who uses 4chan. Also critique thread

Ultimately, it has been my overwhelming need to seek the approval from those around me, that has been the root of my downfall. It's true that i lack a spine, and cover my personality under several layers of hypocrisy. Because i am too afraid to reveal the inner workings of my true self, and because i am too proud to accept that I'm not the man I've always set myself out to be.
At home right now there's a brooding sense of disappointed. For my father, it's another episode in the long list of failures and letdowns that his son has accumulated. For my mother it's the realisation that her little boy, soon to be twenty four, it's not the innocent child she use to love and care for.
My father looks at me this morning "i hope this serves as a wake up call to you son". It has been. It's a sign of what lies on the horizon. I have no past, and i have no present. And my future is a path that travels further down the downward spiral.

There isn't anything noble about living a broken life. At least not as far as i can tell. I've lived it for as long as i can remember and if there where any romance to it i would have found it by now. It's dirty and it's lonely. After a while you feel like your very soul is covered in a black tar of thoughts of sadness, bitterness, resentment. I don't feel like a man fighting against the odds. I feel like a boy in the body of a man. Afraid of everything and everyone.
On the summer of twenty twenty, a month short of my twenty fourth birthday it struck me that it had been three and a half years since i dropped out of college. Three and a half years lost, full of nothing worth noting. And yet somehow i am here, writing this for you dear reader, to see if i can find in it anything of any value. Because ultimately it has been my overwhelming urge to seek the approval of others, so that i can cover my own dirt. And so i am doing this now with you, and i will try to be as truthful as possible.

[Anonymous No.16270000]

Shameless self bump

[Anonymous No.16270145]

>>16270000
Checking these digits
Nothing you have written here illuminates anything interesting or insightful about your life or the condition of depression.
>I feel sad
Relating personal experiences would probably work better; tell us about the time Stacy embarrassed you, tell us about the time chad got the whole class to laugh at you and you saw the teacher crack a wry smile.
What you have written is a blog post by a melodramatic teenager, maybe try exercising and go outside once in a while, maybe get a McJob so you can buy your parent birthday gifts
Also
>dear reader

[Anonymous No.16270422]

>>16269562
Seems like you've done some soul searching. It's good to be honest with oneself like that, but as the previous poster said it's not particularly insightful into your life or depression in general. Tell us about stacy whispering mean things behind your back, how chad humiliated you in front of class. Your style is alright I'd say.

Someone do me now

[Anonymous No.16270623]

>>16270422
Do you have a humiliation fetish?

[Anonymous No.16270632]

>>16270000
What a fucking waste.

[Anonymous No.16270633]

>>16270623
N-no. I don't think so. Why?

[Anonymous No.16270654]

Tell us what led you down the path or give actual examples of what’s running through your mind during scenarios that seem “normal” stories work because you have characters with defined perspectives placed in a scenario and we see what they do.

[Anonymous No.16271029]

>>16269562
Would it be excessive if in my game when you first interact with npcs you get a descriptive spiel like this:

The demon towers over you while clutching a bottle of wine. She could almost have a poignant aura, her hopelessly pale, drooping eyelashes and crooked lips paint an expression of slight plaintiveness. But no, everything else is far too unhinged. Her bleached hair, the colour of bone, is as stiff and splitting as dead branches, her ungroomed orange brows make her appear a little more than enraged, and the vampire's ensamble could only be described as if a sleazy, wealthy man — fitted in designer silken attire — tried his hand at being a villainous cowboy then were instantly trampled by several bulls.
She's busy glowering into some sort of immaterial point in the distance, likely trying to dodge you.

or should i just jump into the dialogue? I feel like in games people just find unnecessary writing annoying and skip it

[Anonymous No.16271084]

>>16271029
Is it a text adventure? Or does the game have any visual element at all? Games are a visual medium, and it's best to convey those things through sprite work. Unless it's a text adventure, vn, twine game, something where your descriptions are the main draw, a drawn-out description like that will make the player feel as though you're taking away their control.

[Anonymous No.16271113]

>>16271029
Have a separate menu that lists characters as you meet them. If the player can access your descriptions as a choice, it'll feel like something extra.

[Anonymous No.16271116]

>>16271084
>a drawn-out description like that will make the player feel as though you're taking away their control
damn i knew it, its a shame i get carried away writing about minute shit so much
it does have visuals in the form of sprites. each character has one sprite that doesnt emote or really animate (aside from walking around). a large part of the game is choosing how you interact with characters, which is all done in twine

[Anonymous No.16271122]

>>16271113
oh hey thats a good idea, thanks ill probably do that

[Anonymous No.16271330]

September 18th, she was at an orgy up on Vester Allé. Sometime between the 4th and 7th fuck she realised that she no longer remembered her own face.
She spent the next twenty or so minutes crawling over exhausted bodies in a desperate attempt to locate a mirror. Somebody had locked themselves inside the bathroom, which was otherwise unheard of.
She gave up on her search and decided to make due with the bottom of a dirty glass. She stared down the full length of the it. Behind sticky remnants of liquor and bodily fluids she could just barely see herself.

>>16269562
Feels very 19th century. Pretty neat, but sometimes the wordiness reduces the impact.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16271393]

While it’s written fine the subject matter feels a dime a dozen to me and doesn’t show me anything about your particular lived experience of the suffering and does not paint it beautifully, the story of the sad man who is depressed because he isn’t up to his ideal and fails in love is so very common, which is why so many people like it.

If you want to see what a disclosure of ones interior life ought look like, read The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy. Your options are either to beautify, make unique or pour out more of what makes this your interior and not just a dime a dozen man looking to distract himself from his ennui.

[Anonymous No.16271394]

>>16271330
Damn that's pretty good. Gives a very detailed insight on what the character is like without using too many words

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16271396]

Some memories of bliss.

“ Colors of amber and lovely green
The soaring of many birds i have seen
Dark forests where dwell the elven kin
Golden cities which no man has been
Remember a past that never was
What the blessed of many years does
The wings of the wind rushing forward
What The servants of flame go toward
beautiful world I cannot fathom
It is beyond the kin of Adam”

[Anonymous No.16271685]

I am unremarkable man. But even in unremarkability I am not so unremarkable to remarkably unremarkable. I am mediocre. But I am not mediocre enough to be remarkably mediocre.
I often think that this is the worst place to be in; to simultaneously be more intelligent than many people, but not quite intelligent enough to be a genius or an intellectual. In other words, mediocre. But then I realize that surely there are people more mediocre than me, for if I was mediocre enough, I would be remarkably mediocre.
My thought process is not remarkable either; it's more sophisticated than most peoples, but not at a level at which it would be remarkable. All my thoughts are followed by a contradiction from what I think to be the superego. This sentence was met with a contradiction, and the contradiction too was met with a contradiction, which was also met with a contradiction of the contradiction. But in this case two contradictions don't cancel each other out; rather they just enter a deeper level of indentation. To escape this infinite loop (though still finite; if it was infinite it would be quite remarkable) of insecurity, I forcibly move my bullet train of thought moving at an unremarkable speed to another thought that hopefully doesn't lead down a similar track as the former did. But even this process is not remarkable; surely there must be people with even more slower trains, and faster, and above all more mediocre.
I'm living this life just for the sake of living. Suicide would a far too remarkable end for my utterly unremarkable life, so I just live. Being depressed would also be remarkable, so I'm not depressed.
In short, I'm mediocre man who's mediocre even in mediocrity. And even that is not remarkable.

[Anonymous No.16271698]

>>16271685
*I am not so unremarkable to be remarkably unremarkable
I should start proofreading my posts

[Anonymous No.16272412]

Bump

[Anonymous No.16272949]

>>16271396
>forward
>toward

Is this a legal rhyme? It sounds weird at least in my pronounciation. Stress placement is different.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16273758]

>>16272949

Eh I can see how it can come off awkward depending on how you say it, when I say it out loud it seems alright.

[Anonymous No.16273815]

>>16271394
Thanks, some more on the same character:

>Tomorrow will come tomorrow. Tomorrow will be just like today. Today was fine. It'll be alright. Today I got nowhere. It'll be alright. Maybe tomorrow. It'll be alright. It'll be alright. It'll be alright...

>But underneath this apathy there was loathing, and her works gradually became of a more hateful nature. She depicted herself without face, or as a worm digging downwards. In her diary she described herself as a 'witless beast". She stopped seeking the light. Whenever she found a zit, or an ingrown hair, she'd pick at it until infection took hold. She despised the boils and took her hatred out on them. Boils became the central motif of her work. Ingrown hairs and infected boils on milky white clean skin.

>Why do I feel like I'm lying, when I'm telling the truth?
>Why do I feel like I doubt, when I believe?
>Why do I feel like I'm standing still, when I'm running?
>Why do I feel like I'm saying nothing, when I speak?
>Why do I feel like I was never there, when I'm leaving?
>Why do I feel like I'll never get there, when I'm on my way?

[Anonymous No.16275192]

bunp

[Anonymous No.16276161]

Two girls make love
it seems to be going well
between them the sun
is seen for a spell
diaphanous in lowlands
Above them a man
shivers mutely
and behind him stand
churches empty and dripping

[Anonymous No.16276178]

>>16269562
it's not bad writing besides needing proofreading but I hope it goes past the stereotype

[Anonymous No.16276226]

>>16270422
Could only make it to first half but I am impatient rn. The only thing I look forward to in soc is it taking you somewhere then surprising you by tying it into its narrative. Ig it kinda kills soc but to me real soc ends itself (like your thoughts don't refer to reality at all) so I like some good realism to it. It wasn't bad writing i just have no patience for soc by itself.

>>16271029
If it's text it is okay, like dnd or some shit but if it has a person just do action or dialogue to express it.

>>16271330
It's not bad but it would be great to see why this mattered. By itself it's written well. It's introspective enough it makes the subject-matter disappear.

>>16271396
It's great but there should be something else down in complexity. Subject-matter/vocabulary/story was great, the rhymes were good but that's two levels of complexity we're used to. Should be something happening inside the lines or should be another complexity overall.

[Anonymous No.16276263]

>>16273815
As long as that's spaced out that's pretty good to write her as introspective.

>>16276161
It's not bad. I'm getting nice images in my head. It's to the point and the vocabulary doesn't give it airs. It's very enjoyable to read.

[Anonymous No.16276440]

I'm using RoyalRoad to write a book. So far so good, I'm two chapters in. But I didn't get any comments, followers and barely any readers. Can you guys please read it and tell me if it sucks balls?

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/35586/historia-apocrypha-vegas-demon

Thanks.

[Anonymous No.16277094]

Bump

[Anonymous No.16277104]

>>16273815
Oh shit how can you read my mind? Please keep writing. I need to know more about myself.

[Anonymous No.16277110]

>>16277104
You're not alone, anon. Always know that.

[Anonymous No.16277117]

>>16277110
But i want to be alone... i‘m too ashamed of myself to want company.

[Anonymous No.16277591]

I would be very grateful to receive any feedback.

[Anonymous No.16278013]

Less direct critique and more asking about overall comp.
Is it too pretentious to not use page numbers or commas? Working on a novel that's roughly 300 pages and 60k words.
Also, is it too pretentious to use run-on sentences? I have a few that go for over ten pages without punctuation.
It's kind of a stream of conciousness from the pov of a schizo stalker. Would post an excerpt but most of my sentences are too long to fit in a comment.
Thanks ahead of time

[Anonymous No.16278021]

>>16277591
I like it. Tune in on those emotions and compress it further. You can get clearer than that. Do it

[Anonymous No.16278022]

>>16278013
Stop giving a fuck and vomit what needs out.

[Anonymous No.16278048]

>>16269562
OP, my main issue is the same thing in this comment >>16270145 the 'dear reader' thing always bothers me.
>>16270422
This feels a bit too purple, good use of vocab but it comes off stiff even though it seems like you're aiming for a more colloquial tone.
>>16271029
Seconding the other opinions, this would work great as a seperate menu that the player can read if they want. Really adds to that sense of 'extra' detail.
>>16271330
I really enjoy this, great development in such a short piece.
>>16271685
Way too 'woe is me', maybe use more metaphor rather than direct description.
>>16276161
Really really like this one.
>>16276440
Just write your book before trying to get an audience, faglord.
>>16277591
Absolutely adore this.

[Anonymous No.16278088]

>>16278048
What do people mean when they say something is 'purple'. Like verbose for verbosity sake?

[Anonymous No.16278252]

>>16278088
There's a wiki article on it, just look up 'purple prose'. Pretty much just being so verbose it detracts from the other elements.
Also, chek'd and based digits.

[Anonymous No.16278741]

>>16269562
Perhaps Im completely off here, but it feels a bit like you are a bit too inspired by the likes of Kafka. I understand what you are trying to say though. Try writing this same concept a few times throughout a few different days. This usually helps me out with finding my own way of saying things.

-Would very much appreciate some critique on one of my short stories:

"Could not risk the cat trying to get back inside
and meowing,
so I had to find the most humane way of killing it.
Assumed a cat couldn´t be too different from a rabbit,
so I bashed it
on the head,
and it died.

It was as quiet as possible, and so was I.

I wanted to live where nothing was alive; have full control.
Once everything was quiet, I would speak and my words would be law."

[Anonymous No.16279169]

>>16269562
Try this:

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A GUY WHO BROWSED 4CHAN (LOL, HEY GUYS, THATS ME XDDD) and he was vawy vawy sadd :((((

It seemed like nobody wanted to be my friend, so I made super-friends on the internet (yippeee!) However I was still sad because super internet fwends couldn't replace girlfriends, and also my parents were very very upset with me because they have to give me money all the time.

I wish I had a girlfriend so that I could place my you-know-what (lol, that's my PENIS! I didn't want to say it because im kind of shy ;D) inside of a vagoogoo while having our sweaty bodies fucking pressing up against each other, being able to ignore the sweaty stench because we're orgasming out of our fucking minds as I pound her tight little pussy and her tongue swirls around in my mouth, little lines of saliva going from her mouth to mine whenever a kiss is released.

Too bad I can't do that stuff in real life. oh well! I pull on my weiner thinking about that stuff until white stuff comes out! Well, thats my memoirs as an epic 4channer, hope you like it!

Love,

Anon

~*THE END*~

[Anonymous No.16279286]

>>16278048
>Way too 'woe is me', maybe use more metaphor rather than direct description.
That's the character's monologue, not mine. His thing is that he's pretentious

[Anonymous No.16279342]

>>16279169
>he actually typed all that out
8/10 for autism

[Anonymous No.16279436]

>>16271393
Listen to this guy, OP
>>16277591
I would give you the same advice I would give most of the people who post in these threads - writing an ethereal description of a woman and describing her in angelic terms is almost certain to be cringe territory

The Collected Love Poetry of Adolf Hitler

Low ceiling, oak pedestal desk, walnut baby grand piano near the window, the wall-length bookshelf of well-bound volumes, and, seated with a sloped posture in a leather club chair, Dr. Daniel Mishlei, Ph.D., of the University of Cambridge. Bespectacled eyes trained on a manuscript, the professor scarcely moved nor did he look up when his wife knocked and entered with a tray of steaming tea and pudding, though he smiled when she pecked his cheek and left two envelopes on his desk before leaving the room and closing the door. He glanced at the pair of standing oval framed photographs next to a stack of books – one of his father, the other of his mother, circa early 1920’s, both smiling school-day pictures from somewhere in Nuremburg where they would later meet and marry in short time. Their only son was born in 1933 and taken to the United Kingdom four years later with his mother’s sister when his parents were unable to emigrate from Germany under England’s increased restrictions towards the end of the decade. He now worked as a lecturer and World War II scholar, inevitably, he often mused to himself, and spent long evenings in his study pouring over books.

[Anonymous No.16280302]

I am not safe, although rain yields at the door
and not my flesh, something else gropes me at night.

It dislodges my compass, blackens every sign,
cloaks my path in static, and then knifes at me to walk.

Desperate, I search for a crowd to fall into,
hoping to be swallowed as prawn by a careless whale.

But I am poisonous, so they spew me back onto my path,
enveloped in drool and staring down the spoiled yards.

[Anonymous No.16280352]

>>16277591

I don’t like the romantic flair you’ve got going on but I appreciate the spirit of this piece. It relies too much on cliche imagery without trying to innovate, but somehow manages to retain a sincere poignancy. Your writing will improve when you reach for more surprising imagery and diction, also, when you affect your voice less and find your own. Overall, there is clear potential, but you need to do a lot more reading.

>>16276161

I almost like this but it feels lazily done and that keeps me from really enjoying the piece. The language is boring and your use of “diaphanous” is gauche, but aside from that the imagery is interesting enough, you clearly want to surprise the reader and that’s a good direction to take. Refine your language and choose your words more wisely, you don’t want to switch registers randomly, it throws everything off. Continue to seek innovation.

>>16271396

It’s nice that you know what makes a poem sound pretty but that’s one of the first stages to bypass before becoming a decent poet. Amber and birds and gold are lovely but arguably anachronistic in how you’ve used them. Remember that the 19th century is essentially closed in terms of aesthetics, there’s nothing left to do in that realm, you need to branch out more.

I am >>16280302

[Anonymous No.16280365]

everyone home knows I'm doing alright
but when I have no-one to hide from I
find nothing to hide
and everyone around me is like family
with secrets for each one of them
with the only thing around me being
the night
and the only name I found for it
is death but I can't say I'm still alive
when there's no one to smell port wine
or burns inside my breath
and I can't promise not to lie
if that is all that I have left

[Anonymous No.16280424]

I was reading Eliot's collected poems while sleep deprived last night and this fragment came to me. It's inspired bt Antigone and her defiance of Creon's decree to leave Polynices' body unburied, and would have to fit between other lines I haven't been able to come up with. Any thoughts?
>And yet what girl
>Preserves the rites of death
>Against the State
>The hour's gone, it's far too late
>And any dame with Athens' grace
>Has passed along to lands unfound

[Anonymous No.16280450]

>>16280424
And right after posting this I realized the second to last line should probably say "Theban grace," because I haven't actually read Antigone in years and forgot where it was set.

[Anonymous No.16280563]

>>16280424
>And yet
This is so commonplace now that it probably doesn't matter, but every English teacher I've ever had would bleed ink all over this, because it's technically wrong. You shouldn't use "yet" in conjunction with "and"; "yet" is sufficient on its own.

[Anonymous No.16280816]

>>16280563
I'll keep that in mind, the "and" was more or less a filler syllable to make what little meter there is flow better. Or so I think, it came to me all at once and I probably won't manage to think of a poem to actually put it in.

[Anonymous No.16280864]

Not that great OP, sorry. I know that feel though bro.

[Anonymous No.16280865]

>>16269562
Why are you a NEET? How hard is it to complete some shit degree like Eng Lit or Pol Sci and get a part-time wagie job? I'm a total sperg virgin who posts on the same boards as you and even I have a career.

[Anonymous No.16281090]

bumping to get OP a better life

[Anonymous No.16282211]

>>16278013
For sure use page numbers, I don't even think it's pretentious to not include page numbers, just an irritating oversight (If someone wants to cite your novel for smth). Not using commas is a good way to emphasize a spergy stream of consciousness from the schizo, that and the run-on sentences are both fine for a stylistic flourish imo if done well and done to further the characters inner thought process. Id have to read it to know for sure though, cause that style could lose its novelty and get tiring to read quickly

[Anonymous No.16282318]

>putting any stock in the taste of the retards on here

[Anonymous No.16282854]

I had backed my enemy into a prison around my entire body. "You'll never get out now!" I shouted. "Hua hua hua huah!"

"But you fool! It is I who have trapped you in prison!"

"And what prison might that be?"

"The prison of the mind!"

"Noooooooo!"

[Anonymous No.16283130]

anon I wrote this so to justify my loneliness


>Tribalism was manifested into to my species DNA for its survival. So although it has its benefits from a survival standpoint. The social need to feel like a part of something bigger than oneself in order to gather in numbers for survival is no longer relevant because we all stand on the shoulder of giants and have come this far to make it so, and yet it still lies within our DNA. So naturally it is exploited for profit by those that are willing, causing a cycle of counter productivity in the masses that I intended to break out of.

give it to me str8

[Anonymous No.16283900]

>>16283130
That's cool and all but we can't bipass our biological mechanisms. Even if we realize how pointless it is

[Anonymous No.16283956]

>>16283900
Yes this is why I wont deny my sadness due to being alone.
My journey of enlighten began when I ruin a great relationship I had.
I never understood why people overreacted when a relationship would end.
Until I experienced it myself, it truly feels like a death has occurred. Being cut off like that from a person you love really hurts.

[Anonymous No.16284006]

>>16283130
>The social need to feel like a part of something bigger than oneself in order to gather in numbers for survival is no longer relevant
You don't believe that society is way better off when large amounts of people collaborate to accomplish goals? Though we are arent running around with nets and spears, in modern times this is still an incredibly important inclination to have. What's mostly exploited for profit are the unattainable standards society imposes on us, exploiting our greedy nature, not so much our tribal nature (but i mean everything gets exploited if there's a market for it). I know this is a cope for being antisocial, and hey im antisocial too, but if everyone were like us it would be pretty detrimental to society imo

[Anonymous No.16284046]

>>16284006
Great point
perhaps I can edit out the the part about it no being relevant into something along the lines of it not being applicable to everyone because those before us have made it possible to have the option of loneliness ?

[Anonymous No.16284095]

>>16284046
Yeah, that's a lot better! I don't know if i'd say we have 'the option to be lonely,' I think industrialization has pushed people with certain personality traits into accepting the loneliness in their lives, I don't think anyone chooses that. You gotta be honest with your writing

[Anonymous No.16284397]

>>16272949
>>16273758
Nah it doesn't work. Shit.

[Anonymous No.16284404]

>>16276161
Good but overreaching. "Diaphanous" lol

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16284962]

A journey to my lord the Christ who was ever Allah.

“ Desert Sun and Desert Sky
For honey I cross this place
My will even if I die


Dry Heat and sand harm my face
I walk across endless sand
All will I endure for Grace

In Du’a I took your brand
Du'a al-'ibadah
Yet I seek a place more grand

I seek for thy darshana
Past Ancient and thirsty bones
to the City of faana

many idols of carved stones
Their glory shall not tempt me
I shall enter the mauve Zones

The search of a honeybee
The desert did turn crimson
And I did hear the banshee

The foul woman with her Son
Screaming and covered in blood
She wailed for what she had done

And from her tears a flood
And from the flood, a river
And from it, a flower bud

And the flower did shiver
“A secret I give to thee,
If thou me, didst deliver”

So I sought what it could be
“True Faana is death of death”
Thus did the flower go free

And then followed him my breath
To the secret mauve Desert
Sidraṫ al-Munṫahā met

I knew I would be unhurt
As I entered endless time
And I entered the unbirth

Then the bornless bell chime
And the white candle‘s First light
Unveiled the book Sublime

Annihilated was blight
Annihilated was thirst
Annihilated was height

Thus did I become the first
And by my Will I knew He
And the fetters of time burst

Thus do I have freedom and am no longer bound, glory to he who is the mirror of my soul who’s presence is liberation, who’s name is “I” who’s soul is this my own heart. In my annihilation my annihilation perished
And in my annihilation I found you
In the effacement of my name and the outline of my formI asked about me so I said: You. My inmost secret pointed to you Until I was annihilated to myself, and you remainedYou are my life and my heart’s secret, Wherever I may be, you are. You encompass everything with knowledge All that I see is you, there is nothing I wish for other than you Lord of my heart.”

[Anonymous No.16285796]

Bump

[Anonymous No.16287032]

Shameless bump

[Anonymous No.16287070]

That night we were plagued by a hurricane. As always it brought only rain, but nevertheless limited our patronage to regulars. Near closing a stranger entered in a suit soaked by the rain. As if in a film he sat down at the far end of the bar and scratched the side of his ginger hair. After checking his phone he placed his coat beside him on the bar and stared at me. His jaw was dotted with ruddy stubble but I was struck by his feminine eyelashes.
-Can I help you?
-Do you sell liquor? I'm twenty-three
-Well this is a bar.
He placed a twenty dollar bill on the counter.
-I only need this if you want something. Even then I won't ask for it until you leave.
-Sorry. He returned it to his wallet.
-Could I please have vodka?
-Neat?
-I'm. I don't usually come to places like this. Sorry. But if it's vodka, that's fine.
I checked his ID and served him. He stared at his glass for a long time before swallowing a bit gingerly and coughing.
-I can cut it, if you'd like
He looked up, confused.
-No, this is okay.
Frequently he would glance over his shoulder, as if someone was searching for him. Channel 13 said someone drowned this afternoon. I feel bad saying this, but what did he expect?
A few minutes before closing time, I walked over to the man sitting by himself, occasionally scratching his chest and still waiting for someone to find him. His shotglass remained half full.
-I'm sorry sir, but we're closed. Can I help you with anything else?
-I need to talk to someone.
Curious, and having nothing to do after work, I obliged.
-Well, I got married today. Known her for seven years. We met at my father's church. I promised we'd marry when I finished seminary, which I did. So, of course, this is our honeymoon. We both vacationed here before with our families.
He grew quiet.
-We were, to. To be as one. And I'm, normal, so of course I wanted to. But we got close, and I reached for her, but...there was nothing there. And I tried to hide my surprise, and thought maybe I was wrong. And it was, you know, dark, like you're supposed to. So I searched a bit. There was a place, like if it was taken, scooped out, and I searched down it. She seemed to like the looking for it. But I couldn't control myself any longer, I told her I didn't feel well and came here. And now I just feel real bad, because I love her, and I could hear her starting to cry a little as I was getting dressed. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how-
-Well how did you think you would?
And here he paused and took another sip, again coughing, and looked me in the eyes.
-I don't know. I thought it would come natural.
I failed to stifle a laugh.
-And this is all true?
-Yes. Am I missing something?
-I would talk to her, since it sounds like you haven't.
He returned the next day to thank me.

[Anonymous No.16287191]

I'll do critiques of others in the replies, here's me:


He was killed in suspicious circumstances, ambushed in a courtyard several blocks from his home. The occasion of his death has remained unclear, and time has only further obscured its particularities. The historians have since made him out to have been one of this country’s great artists and now his sonnets regularly appear in freshman syllabi. Both sides of the current revolution claim him as one of their own; another camp, usually the anarchists, claim that his contempt for both sides of the political process indicate that he was among their ranks. No one can say what Walter Rudin’s politics truly were, or whether they figured at all in his work. One is pleased to find, despite whatever superimposed ideology, that his pieces are usually nonetheless syntactically sound, and that they produce seemingly consistent results. In this way his poetry functions as unassuming equation, each word a context-cropped-variable awaiting application. All his work was drowning in such patience, in the uncertainties that plagued his life. There were those who claimed he came from abroad when he was very young, from a country that spoke a latin language with an accent of which he was never quite able to rid himself. But I know the truth about Walter Rudin and his dreamy poetry, I know because I saw him once under streetlamp not so far from the financial district, and I saw the bundle of creased papers in his arms and I shuddered under the drunken weight of his eyes as they fell onto me. I remember the the chipped softness of his lips, and the way he ran his hands through my hair in the morning, bunching it in a fist like I was a handful of sand.

[Anonymous No.16287207]

>>16287191


>>16280365
>>16280302
not at all pleasant to read,

>>16277591
please don't shittily use the word pilgrimage in your first line it telegraphs that you don't know how words work

>>16271685
look like you're learning how to use big words but you're still obsessed with how much of a doomer you are

>>16270422
loud and not funny enough to make it worth it


>>16287070
probably the best in the thread but its still shite, don't string together consecutive telegraphic sentences, you're not carver (yet), learn how em boys worth and work on phrasing

[Anonymous No.16287220]

>>16287207
me: >>16287070
appreciate the "complement" and advice, i dont really like it but couldnt stop thinking about the idea. if i find a better way to frame it i might rewrite but i think its condemned to be a meme

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16287253]

>>16287191

Kinda feels self indulgent, by this I mean to say not that it’s presenting your preferred aesthetics so much as it feels like these are words and terms you just happen to particularly like and they aren’t really presenting enough of a unity to warrant them. I say this because the whole mathematical poetry business just comes off kinda stiff. I know my own aesthetics are once again getting in the way of enjoying the piece but that aside, you’re telling us about how he’s dreamy and mysterious without really doing anything that’s dreamy or mysterious. The language usage should at least be a bit better in that regard. The “I know the truth” part kinda hit the right mystery vibe but it falls flat when it became that romantic.

If I was you I would keep writing it and then read it over a couple of times, you know really get it all out of yourself in a stream of consciousness way, and then in draft hand select more appropriate terms and words to structure the aesthetic better.

Also gib critique of mine. Kek

[Anonymous No.16287331]

>>16287191
sounds like youve been reading borges

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.16287339]

>>16287207
>>16287331

Gotta agree there’s definitely some Borges flavor.

[Anonymous No.16287343]

>>16287331
borges is an experience, you can't say no to an experience

[Anonymous No.16287383]

>>16287343
i love borges, but ofc if youre not borges you dont want his influence to be too obvious