/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.1615296]

Amateur fantasy/fiction writer here. I'm rather young and inexperienced, but looking for some honest criticism none the less.

>>http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2846976/1/Blood_Knight

This is the latest story I have posted. Only one chapter is finished at the moment, and I would like some criticism before continuing. It's 4,328 words long, so if you find the time, read and give me some feedback.

[Anonymous No.1615325]

First of all, nonetheless is one word.

>first paragraph
Don't tell the audience boring things that they could figure out for themselves. Never assume your audience is too stupid to think something through, especially something simple like that. It's vaguely insulting and definitely takes something out of the experience.

>second paragraph
Same damn thing. Seriously, kid. Are you fourteen? Stop that. It's bad.

>third
Oh, it's hard to take in? You son of a bitch.

Okay, I stopped reading after your femtagonist introduced herself. That was awful. But I will tell you why.

You really, really need to work on your style. It is bland and I am almost positive you're barely into high school. You write like someone who's still learning the basics of writing. You don't read, do you?

Look, kid. I don't want to insult you. And I'd hate to discourage you, but I will be honest. Don't look for any criticism just yet. I don't think you're even far enough along to fully grok anything we might say. Just write for your pleasure, but don't expect it to be good for anything but that.

Read. Read a lot. You have to read well to write well. I'm not saying go pick up some Hemingway or Oe or anything like that. Read whatever catches your fancy, be it YA fiction or LOTR. If you feel compelled to move on from there, try looking for recommendations from adults who know you, or come back here (at your own risk).

If you keep writing you might get good. Nobody's good when they start out, especially nobody's good when they're a kid.

Keep trying, and I hope to GOD for your sake that you are under 16. Otherwise, just... stop.

[Anonymous No.1615330]

>>1615325
I appreciate your honest criticism, and no not under 16. I would say that the story is most likely directed to an audience that you would not relate with but it would be an excuse. Again, thank you for your honest criticism.

[Anonymous No.1615334]

Read more. Right now your style is almost non-existent, you "tell" too much, and have choppy writing techniques. Read some better literature and learn from it.

[Anonymous No.1615335]

>In the kingdom of Alynia

Because of the extremely codified narrative conventions that fantasy uses, I'm already SNORLAXing at your setting. I bet it's some generically European, temperate highland with alpine forest, some deep water lakes and a hobbit village.

Ideas like this hold more promise in the genre for this reader:

>In the dictatorial tropical paradise of Alynia
>In the sultanate of Alynia
>In the dog-eat-dog city-state of Alynia, where magic never sleeps and Knights sleep standing

See how you can easily signify to readers that your book ISN'T something that's been done one billion times?

[Anonymous No.1615336]

>>1615330
Well, perhaps I was too harsh with saying just stop. But I do think it's sad. At least you are trying. And if you enjoy it, keep doing it. I'm sure you have some people who enjoy what you put out. But I'm fairly certain /lit/ will reject you heartily. You seem to take the criticism well, but if I might give another word of advice: leave this place.

AND DON'T FORGET TO READ MOAR

[Anonymous No.1615339]

>>1615336

I was well aware when I posted the link that /lit/ was not my target audience, and most likely would find the story akin to that of Twilight or worse, however the story itself is not what I'm worried about.

>>1615335

This kind of structural criticism is most beneficial and I find /lit/ to be the best place for it.

[Anonymous No.1615343]

> In the kingdom of Alynia
> Stopped reading there

[Anonymous No.1615344]

I don't really have any advice for you, but I read the very beginning and I have two quibbles. First, I'm not comfortable about how you begin your story by giving us an infodump. I generally think that's not a good sign.

Second,
> My name is Elisia. I'm 5'7", petite, and have long dark brown hair.
I haven't thought about this before I read this sentence, but I don't think I've ever read such a self-description in the novels I've read. However, I have encountered this in hundreds of Literotica pieces. They always give height, body type and hair length. As a result, it kind of felt like I was starting to read porn here.

[Anonymous No.1615347]

>>1615339
>or worse
Yeah. In Twilight Bella didn't introduce herself as: My name is Bella. I'm 5'7 with dark hair and pale skin even though I live in Arizona, lol.

Not the story you're worried about, but the style generally? Good idea. But I still think the sort of advice you'll be getting here is effectively akin to putting a vase of flowers in a condemned house in order to call it a mansion. Or perhaps trying to build a house on piles and piles of mud and shit. Both, then.

[Anonymous No.1615348]

>>1615344

I find this humorous, but noted. Perhaps it wasn't the best way to achieve that impression of self introduction.

[Anonymous No.1615350]

>>1615344
I agree about the self-description. There is just something in that which makes it flagrantly bad. Some dividing line between things like that and good literature exists. It has a certain je ne sais quoi which marks it for death.

[Anonymous No.1615351]

>>1615348
If you can't tell that before writing it down, what the hell are you doing?

[Anonymous No.1615352]

>>1615344

> ...it kind of felt like I was starting to read porn here.
> I thought the same

[Anonymous No.1615353]

>>1615344
Two tribbles you say?

[Anonymous No.1615354]

Very well, I have tested the upper extremes of an audience. Thank you for your time, regardless if the work has tried your patience. I'll remove the post from the board momentarily.

[Anonymous No.1615360]

>>1615354

Do not aim for a particular audience. The genre your are picking is different from what you are saying. Make your work something valuable that the people could read in order to achieve two things: imagine a world that they, probably, would remember in the next years, and find a literary value in it, of course.

Here you keep saying "This is not my audience" "... WAAA this is not my audience". You justify what its inevitable: The thing you have written its a piece of bull crap. And I am being honest to you.

Improve it. Read more. The best advices you have received here.

[Anonymous No.1615362]

>>1615354
>mfw I samefagged this entire thread

[Anonymous No.1615364]

>>1615362

[Anonymous No.1615366]

>>1615354
I don't think anyone is insulted or exasperated about this thread.

But, to continue on the "infodump", I like an author who eases me into the world. In your case, I'm faced with a, well, a lecture on the culture of a kingdom before I've even met any of your characters. If I haven't even met any characters who inhabit this kingdom, I likely won't be very interested in the culture there. If you can work around it, that might be nice.

[Anonymous No.1615368]

>>1615364

[Anonymous No.1615373]

>>1615368

[Anonymous No.1615378]

>>1615373

[Anonymous No.1615384]

>>1615378

[Anonymous No.1615399]

>>1615384