/NEW NOVEL/

[illiterate No.16057677]

Hey lit, I just finished the draft version of my first novel. It's short, only 55k words. I have no high hopes for it. No fame or fortune. But it's an honest work. I had fun crafting this, and it's made me a better, more disciplined person in creating it. I'm happy to have created something.

Would anyone be interested in reading it?

Here it is, eat your hearts out.

>https://larthurhunt.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/green-country-anon-watermarked.pdf

[illiterate No.16057694]

For a synopsis, here's the query letter I sent to prospective agents:

>Kevin Little, a disgraced ex-corporate lawyer, didn’t expect to become a groundskeeper at a golf course in his midlife. But neither did he foresee threatening his old boss with murder, getting shipped away to jail, becoming disbarred, and losing his wife and children.

>Now, Kevin wants it all back. To do so, he’s willing to start over—even if it kills him, and it nearly does.

>Kevin misses his kids desperately, which is made all the more uncomfortable by the many small children mysteriously roaming about the golf course unattended. They appear in basement corridors and behind locked doors without explanation.

>When Kevin falls in with a nefarious circle of ex-lawyers and retired big wigs at the golf course, he finds a path to winning back his family. They’ve been watching him since his days on Bay Street, and have carefully groomed him for their horrific child-preying inner circle.

>At the demand of a wolfish white-collar cabal, Kevin ultimately faces a heinous proposition: murder two children, and retake his family.

>The story unfolds in two timelines: one in the present, and another as flashbacks to Kevin’s former family life that depict his fall from grace. The final scene is ambiguous as to which timeline it takes place in—how one places the scene determines whether Kevin is truly redeemed.

>[NOVEL TITLE] is a tight standalone work complete at 55,000 words that blends literary fiction with elements of mystery and thriller. It aspires to the precision of Jeffrey Eugenides’ THE VIRGIN SUICIDES and the intimate tragedy of Scott McLanahan’s THE SARAH BOOK. It is my debut novel.

[illiterate No.16057720]

Also, sorry for spamming. I know this isn't the first time I've posted this. I've been trying to get quality feedback. Thanks to everyone who has read it. If this thread expires, shoot me an email. Thanks, y'all.

[Anonymous No.16058293]

Reading now, actually digging it so far

[Anonymous No.16058719]

>>16057694

Right off the bat, this query is going nowhere. Re-write.

>Kevin Little, a disgraced ex-corporate lawyer, didn’t expect to become a groundskeeper at a golf course in his midlife. But neither did he foresee threatening his old boss with murder, getting shipped away to jail, becoming disbarred, and losing his wife and children.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait....what? Why did he become a groundskeeper at a golf course....what's that got to do with anything, and why exactly did he go to jail...? and....WHY is this guy working at a golf course? And he got disbarred...before or after he was working there?

>Now, Kevin wants it all back. To do so, he’s willing to start over

Get what back? The golf course job....? I mean, what the fuck.

>—even if it kills him, and it nearly does.

...What....nearly kills him? The golf course?

>Kevin misses his kids desperately,

No shit, he's in jail, or....you mean after he's in jail? I don't know, YOU tell me what you're fucking talking about!!!

>which is made all the more uncomfortable by the many small children mysteriously roaming about the golf course unattended.

OH MY GOD! Again with this fucking GOLF COURSE!?!?! What the fuck is it about a golf course!? I don't understand, why do we keep going back to a golf course!? Why was he there in the first place? Didn't he...didn't he go to jail, because he threatened a golf course guy, and now...he's back to this golf course? Is it the same golf course? And...why are these people just letting his violent ass roam around their golf course pedo ring? Are there any other locations than a golf course in this book, btw?

>>When Kevin falls in with a nefarious circle of ex-lawyers and retired big wigs at the golf course

Oh my god....

>When Kevin falls in with a nefarious circle of ex-lawyers and retired big wigs at the golf course, he finds a path to winning back his family.

Yeah uh...yeah, that just makes perfect logical sense. Many men win their family back through a ring of pedophile human traffickers who golf. No need to explain more.

>They’ve been watching him since his days on Bay Street, and have carefully groomed him for their horrific child-preying inner circle.

What's bay street...? Wait...is kevin a kid now? Was he a kid lawyer, or detective or something? Oh, is that the point here? it's like the hardy boys, except if the hardy boys go golfing and find themselves raped by vicious golfers and are converted to their ways.

>The story unfolds in two timelines:

And why not? We got a lawyers inexplicably working in pedo golf courses, may as well have multiple timelines, and even dimensions going on.

>The final scene is ambiguous as to which timeline it takes place in

you're not supposed to describe the final scene, or even the middle, you're just supposed to describe the setup of the book. Focus on why this kid lawyer is working at a golf course would be a start.

[Anonymous No.16059344]

>>16058719

Weird, you're the first to say these things. I've run this by about 6-7 people who've queried before to mixed success, and you're the first to be this scathing about it.

[Anonymous No.16059366]

>>16059344
What did you want? A quick handy?

[Anonymous No.16059372]

>>16059344
I also thought your query letter was incoherent and disjointed, but I had just told you that the quality of your novel was bad, and I didn't want to kick you while you were down

[Anonymous No.16059418]

>>16059372

Bay St. is Canadian Wall St. This is Can lit.

Hey, no, I appreciate the honesty. I'll take this stuff into consideration. But many of the inherencies or plot gaps seemed evident to the other readers. Their questioning was a little deeper rooted. They didn't think knowing why an ex-lawyer took a job at a golf course. I mean, he's disbarred. The novel takes place in the golf course and has strong paranormal/surreal elements. That you can't get over why I mention the course so often is...strange.

You didn't say anything about the novel itself but, yeah, thanks man.

[Anonymous No.16059424]

>>16059418

incoherencies, bleh, it's late

[Anonymous No.16059434]

>>16059418

They didn't think it significant to know why an ex-lawyer took a job at a golf course, or assumed that would be answered in the text

[Anonymous No.16059464]

>>16059418
I meant in your previous thread

[Anonymous No.16060577]

>>16059418
I'm with the anons on this, your query hammers in so many details in the first paragraph that it damages the quality of the prose. You can drop redundancies like "ex-lawyer"+"disbarred" and be more like:

>Kevin Little didn't expect to find himself working at a golf course in his midlife. But neither did he foresee getting disbarred, shipped away to jail, and losing his wife and children.

More cynically, you will never get an agent with a 55K word first novel, or by writing "it is my debut novel" at the end of a pitch.