I'm writing a WMAF detective novel, please give constructive feedback

[Anonymous No.15985767]

(Sample from the prologue:)

It's late at night in the dark motel lobby, the only light coming from a soda vending machine by the restroom and a porch lamp outside that's shining through the window of the front door. Next to the soda machine is a scene that doesn't look like it would be rare in a place like this... a squatting asian female wearing nothing but a pair of black stockings and heels, not even a garter belt as she's bobbing her head on the crotch of the white man in a trench coat leaning against the drinking fountain... her tan breasts shaking slightly, her thick brown nipples perking and her thighs open, the only sound other than her sucking lips on his throbbing white cock being the hum of the soda machine nearby. But they're not alone as an older, rather overweight stranger steps out of the shadows looking somewhat nervous.

"Detective Deepthroat?" he asks to the man leaning against the drinking fountain. The man seems too lost in the ecstasy of the blowjob he's getting to even notice the other man in the lobby, let alone answer him. The whore, however, holds up her index finger at the stranger... not bothering to stop, still bobbing her head and making really obvious sucking sounds.

"Better let the lady finish," groans the younger man as he huffs and braces one hand against the metal surface of the drinking fountain while keeping the other on her head and running his fingers through her silky black hair. So the stranger waits, standing there awkwardly as he tries to wait out the intimate encounter. Finally the man grunts and it's obvious he just came, the sucking sounds getting faint as the gook whore slows her sucking and starts swallowing in deep gulps before finally sucking him clean, giving his cock a few more licks and then tucking it back in his pants and zipping him up. She holds her hand up flat as the man nods, tiredly reaching into his coat pocket and taking out an envelope, laying it in her palm before laughing slightly like he can't believe what just happened.

[Anonymous No.15985775]

"Finally," the stranger thinks to himself as he waits for the woman to stand up and leave so he can finally talk to the detective. But it's the man that walks away instead, leaving the gook to slowly stand up and reach for a paper towel dispenser sitting by the fountain. She wipes her lips before turning to face the stranger, her full tits out and her shaved slope cunt clearly exposed in the light of the soda machine.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I-I was hoping to talk to Detective Deepthroat," the stranger stammers as he tries to look her in her slanted eyes and not at her butt naked body, finally just giving up as his eyes switch between staring at her asian face and her tan breasts and brown cunt.

"You found her," she says with a lift of her eyebrow, holding the paper towel and envelope off to the side with one hand and placing her other hand on her bare hip. "Though I really just go by 'Deepthroat.' Like I'm not so much a 'detective' as a private investigator... seriously, I don't know who started the detective thing but whatever."

"I'm... s-sorry, Miss, I didn't kn-"

"It's okay," she interrupts with a sigh. "You're not the first guy to walk in on me in the middle of a 'negotiation' and assume the guy I'm sucking off or fucking is the one you're looking for. I know how it looks." Noticing he still seems apologetic, she gives a half smirk adds, "Don't worry, I prefer it that way. It means if you were here to kill me, hopefully you would've shot him first."

[Anonymous No.15985786]

That seems to put the stranger at ease as he finally breathes a sigh of relief and walks closer to shake her hand. He has a warm and paternal look on his face, like a man who feels the world is still moving way, *way* too fast for him to keep up. He seems at a loss for words as he tries to stop looking at her naked breasts again.

"Take a picture, it will last longer." she teases as she glances him up and down for equal measure, suddenly noticing the bulge in his pants... his crotch obviously tenting from an erection that had sprung up without him realizing. When he notices it, his reaction is predictably and almost endearingly embarrassment.

"Oh my... forgive me, Miss, I had no idea--"

"Okay," she interrupts again, setting the envelope and towel on the fountain and then putting both her hands on her hips. "Unless we both want to stay up all night trying to get to the point, you have *got* to stop apologizing. Deal?" After he nods shamefully, the asian detective suddenly finds herself feeling a little guilty for the position she's put him in as she watches him try to cover his shame with his briefcase. Finally she sighs and say, "Listen... do you maybe want to blow off some steam first before we get into why you're here?" When he gives her a confused look like he doesn't understand, she takes a step closer, gently takes the briefcase from his hands and sets it down on a nearby table. She then turns to face him again and carefully takes his trembling hand in hers, guiding it down between her thighs so he can feel the wetness of her gook slit.

"Do you want to fuck me?" she finally asks.

(End of sample, thanks for reading.)

[Anonymous No.15986857]

>>15985767
>and a porch lamp outside that's shining through the window of the front door.
Awfull prose, change it

>asian female
>white man
Elaborate a little on that

That last paragraph was good.

>>15985775
>"You found her," she says with a lift of her eyebrow
Kino

>>15985786
Based
Ngl that gave me a stiffy

>"Do you want to fuck me?" she finally asks.
It'd be better if they didn't fucked right away, but had some more teasing untill they finally do it.

[Anonymous No.15986885]

>>15985786
>>15985775
>>15985767
Fantastic

[Anonymous No.15986892]

>>15985767
Based

[Anonymous No.15986979]

very arousing.

[Anonymous No.15986983]

>>15986857
I was going to reveal more as they went along, the woman would be of Southeast Asian descent (Vietnamese or Cambodian) and the man would be of Anglo-Saxon extraction.

>>15986857
Was thinking of a jump cut where they end up on a lobby couch but yeah.

[Anonymous No.15986998]

>>15986983
I think the moment she identifies herself as the detective, the reader should have a complrte mental picture of her.

[Anonymous No.15987027]

>>15986998
Oh okay, thanks.

[Anonymous No.15987275]

>>15986983
>Was thinking of a jump cut where they end up on a lobby couch but yeah.
I don't see what's the point of her fucking the stuttering lad right away (considering he's the reader's self insert), it'd be cool controled his urges for such a filthy woman and the tension between them builded up as she fucked other guys in the course of the story, increasing his desire and furstration, and by the end he rage fucks her and the reader gets this moment of catarsis when the self insert's desire for that wicked woman is fullfilled in a blazing passion, like three whole chapters of sex.
But that's justmy two cents.

[Anonymous No.15987288]

>>15987275
it'd be coll IF HE* controled his urge for such a filthy woman(...)

[Anonymous No.15987311]

>>15985767
>"Detective Deepthroat?"
Poetry.

[Anonymous No.15987389]

>>15987275
I think that just felt a little cliche, like instead of having a will-they-won't-they I wanted to make it clear that casual sex would be something the reader should expect going forward. From the older guy's perspective, he's been more reserved and held back for most of his life so meeting her on its own presents a chance for that release and the real suspense can be about when it will happen next or the case she takes. I'm also not sure yet if these two will stick with each other for the rest of the story, meet occasionally or if this will be their only encounter, with him serving more as the device that kicks off the plot.