rate my PROSE

[Anonymous No.15958022]

She really did look beautiful; painfully so, her thin arms limply hung by her sides, a silken bob of marble white hair nestling her frail neck. It was her left that clutched the blade, a fluorescent maroon. Sleek, and delicate, akin to the fingers that entwined themselves around it’s unremarkable hilt in a frigid vice. The wind began to blow with increasing intensity, a few gregarious pellets of rain striking my forehead, my knees quivering under the chill, my eyes transfixed upon her thin face: lascivious eyes that shimmered with bloodlust, and pomegranate lips that curled with glee, as she raised the blade in a swift, but clumsily choreographed motion. It was the dull clap of thunder that rid me of my languor, as I threw myself to the side, her blade striking the ground, just short of my leg.

It struck the cement with a sharp clang, as did my extended knee as I struggled to my feet, her amused giggling resounding in my ears. Another swift movement of her wrist, as she lunged forwards, the perfidious stream of giggles now frantic as they fled from her slightly parted lips.

It began to pour.

A hasty step back, my wet bangs matted against my forehead, the chill from the sheet of rain gnawing at my bones, dispelling haste. The blade’s crimson arc had drawn dangerously close to my stomach, having etched a tear onto my shirt while her own plain, white shirt, now drenched, clung to her diminutive frame like translucent film; a pleasant sight, although there was not much to accentuate.

“You know,” she mused, positioning herself for another strike, “It’d really be easier for both of us if you stopped scampering around. It’s really rather painfully emasculating.”

Ouch.

Another frantic swing, another tumble to the side as I swerved out of the blade’s trajectory.

“Don’t be like that.” She crooned, continuing. “What are you even scared of? Wasn’t Socrates was all like, ‘death is but a single night’ before he chugged the poison?”

“I’d have to say those were slightly different circumstances.”

“But it’d be quicker this way, and we both know you love me, so how about it? I’ll even give you a kiss before I slit your throat.”

She had a point: I really did love her quite a bit. Painfully so. Unbearably so. Glancing at her soft red lips, it seemed like a worthy bargain. The demon-blade she held now began to pulsate and quiver within her grip, a brighter crimson bleeding into its complexion:. It was now strikingly red, increasingly pronounced against her paleness. I really hoped my breath didn’t smell, given that’d lend a really awkward resolution to the situation.

[Anonymous No.15958043]

>>15958022
Too flowery. There's some good language in the first chunk but you lay it on too thick.
The voice also wavers between formality and casualness, and reads like you're stringing together bursts of purple prose with YA language and dialogue.

[Anonymous No.15958071]

>>15958022
As the first anon said, you make the mistake I made when first writing, by making your sentences too purple. Don't get me wrong, I think a bit of purple here and there is effective, but you need to pare it down a little otherwise its like stroking a cock after you've cum.

What really made my prose click was reading portrait of the artist. And even Joyce is accused of being too flowery sometimes.

[Anonymous No.15958083]

>>15958022
>a silken bob
accidentally read this as boob and it totally ruined your prose 0/10

[Anonymous No.15958146]

>>15958022
faggot...

[Anonymous No.15958153]

>>15958022
To demonstrate, OP, I wrote your first paragraph to be better:


To behold her beauty was like being in pain. Her arms hung limply by her sides, yet the knuckles round the hilt of the blade were white. As I watched I felt the wind bring wetness to my face and I became aware that my knees were quivering in the chill, though I felt it little and cared less. What was cold next to those lips, curled in hatred and bloodlust and glee? What was the frigid westering day next to the arc of her wrist, raising the blade, even as it sought to end my life? I could do worse for last sights, I thought; and then a peal of thunder brought me back, and I hastily stumbled aside and out of the range of that lovely arm.

[Anonymous No.15958163]

>>15958022
dear god

[Anonymous No.15958217]

kill yourself

[Anonymous No.15958319]

>>15958153
100 times better I couldn't get past "she really did look" in the OP.

[Anonymous No.15958369]

I stopped reading when you use "Painfully so" for the second time.
>>15958153
This is much better, anon.

[Anonymous No.15958373]

>>15958022
>She really did look beautiful; painfully so
>She had a point: I really did love her quite a bit. Painfully so.
Sounds like a florid version of John Green type shit. Not horrible, but I think you're trying to do too much at times.

[Anonymous No.15958383]

>>15958022
Your prose really does suck; painfully so.

[Anonymous No.15958399]

>>15958022
>her thin arms limply hung by her sides,
>a silken bob
With where you had hung her arms, this sounded like you were talking about her stomach. Use periods. It's probably why another anon read "boob."

>>15958153
>To behold her beauty was like being in pain.
Lame simile opening. It tells what your arms-to-knuckle line instead shows. I guess since anon didn't think to just use the crit thread, this is now a prompt thread:

"Her beauty was tightening, like the white knuckles on the hilt of her maroon blade. The wind tossed her marble locks in the lightning, her sword raising to thunder; on the subsequent flash she struck, with a pang that shook the rain from the blade."

[Anonymous No.15958425]

OP here. With all sincerity, thank you. I've been revered by English teachers and peers so long that I've stagnated and ignored the glaring flaws. I need this little kick in the balls to get better. Ly guys.

[Anonymous No.15958441]

>>15958399
>semi
I should have just used a period there.

>my advice was "Use periods."

[Anonymous No.15958452]

>>15958383

Get a load of this adverb user.

[Anonymous No.15958454]

>>15958022
>Ouch
Are you sure you wrote that by yourself? It sounds like three separate people wrote it.
>Wasn’t Socrates was
I can't lay my finger on what makes the prose of the first paragraph not good, but you should probably spread it out a bit.

[Anonymous No.15958469]

>>15958454
I've been told my writing is vaguely schizophrenic.

[Anonymous No.15958481]

>>15958022
>all those spelling/punctuation errors
You could've at least proofread it before posting.

[Anonymous No.15958485]

>>15958399
>>15958441
Her beauty was tightening, like the white knuckles on the hilt of her maroon blade. The wind tossed her marble locks in the lightning, her sword raising to thunder. On the subsequent flash she struck, with a pang that shook the rain from the blade. She swung up from the stone and at me, repeatedly, as I accurately called her thrusts and feints. The wet rocks were nonetheless concerning.

[Anonymous No.15958489]

her thin, silky boobs and their crimson complexion really pained me to behold, really. they really did; just like this post.

[Anonymous No.15958497]

>>15958071
>like stroking a cock after you've cum
nothing wrong with this

[Anonymous No.15958516]

OP here. Since I'm getting replies, might as well some other stuff critiqued. This is from a short story of mine. It's a wet dream of sorts.

I felt her pink-shouldered, oil-lathered softness constricted beneath me, slithering frantically as if imitating the tender tongue that probed and caressed my gums; lithe in heat. Her slender, minute hand ensnared my penis, unable to completely encircle it, while the discoloured veins that her palm impressed upon began to throb with building intensity. It was promptly submerged into her narrow vagina, as I thrusted with a measured pace, furnished with the lusful clawing of her other hand through my crisp locks of hair. Her pallor, bled into by a vermillion, breathless flush, her dark locks of silken hair splayed about her head, her petite frame shivered and squirmed with emulated pleasure; wide eyed, loud, animalistic moans; my own deep, stoic grunts decidedly foreign to my ears, and yet, completely natural. Upon the frigid, white bathroom tile, we continued our liquid motions, consumed by synthetic, carnal desire; enveloped by cool water.

“Fuck! Oh, fuck!” Her brazen, starved cries resounded, amidst the perpetual pattering of the shower. The shower continued its steady canterwaul. Off-white, eggshell, chinese ceramic. Thrusts and convulsions. Fuck! Oh, fuck! In dilapidated alley: dim. The ragged brick wall painfully pressed into wide, burly back, through a thick layer of a checkered dress shirt, as I stood barely supported by my shaky knees, penis completely ensnared by moist warmth, assailed by a slender tongue; tasting and savouring each crevice. Her head continued its rythmic oscillations; to and fro, playful, girlish gnawing and chewing. The black rim of her glasses peeked out from beneath her styled bob. Her left hand gently wrung my balls, as I was drawn further into the darkness of her throat. Afformentioned hand, slathered with saliva, now slowly slid down my taint, and with a delicious flick of her wrist, was plunged into my ass, impishly wriggling as it encircled my prostrate. Blinding climax. She drank with infectious enthusiasm.

Parent’s bedroom; king sized mattress; smelt of lavender and men’s cologne. I lay akimbo upon the cool, crisp sheets, mauve, straddled by my mother. Her plentiful breasts, those I had suckled on for quite different reasons prior, were now flung wildly before me; the pink of her nipple apparent against her fair, sweat-glistened skin. Rambunctious, feverent moans; her usually sullen features now decidedly nymph-like. Her pink lips curled upwards in a lascivous, carefree grin, eyes shut in ecstacy.

[Anonymous No.15958532]

>>15958516
gross dude

[Anonymous No.15958541]

>>15958516
madre mía......

[Anonymous No.15958543]

OP again, here’s another segment

The hypersex superflux lolitrance sissy hypnosis femoid drain gang CEO Calypso Esmeralda Benzodiazipinoxifrin removed her razor-sharp cherry red silicon nail extensions from the gilded, amethyst and ruby and emerald and sapphire-encrusted, glistening ebony chest cavity of Jamal Amadeus Saint Sinclair VII of Namibia as viscous brown blood gushed forth onto the immaculate sixteen by sixteen inch marble tile floor beneath the blunt, black italian leather heels of my Rossa Calvin Klein 205w39nyc™ boots.
Her postmodern diamond-cut and polished perfectly aligned Tiffany™ engraved golden emerald-inlaid fangs sank into the tender, glistening-with-sweat, muscular upper trapezius of the panicking African American Individual™ and divine, oxidized, honey-like crimson blood rushed past her supple but small, tight, warm magenta lips down her angry throat. The small, ruby-like, slow-traveling beads of blood flowing from her candy-sweet mouth began to drip from the coarse black bear fur of her outermost drape and pooled up around her feet, nearly staining the midsoles of her Balenciaga™ Triple S Clear Sole Sneaker in white calfskin, lambskin, and mesh.
The mausoleum was lit dimly with the intermittent pallid yellow flickering of a torch hung above the entrance, and the bloodshot, yellow sclera of the perishing African American Individual™ began to absorb that yellow torchlight and become one with it, reflecting the shapes and oblong shadows off of his Phoenician purple irises in a glorious display of desperation and fear. “Come on faggot, just fucking die already” she remarked loudly with exasperation in her decieving, high-pitched, child-like little-sister-esque voice that reverberated down the tastefully-decorated fresco-adorned hall with Lindsey Adelman mid century modern window treatments and Drop System Chandeliers.

[Anonymous No.15958546]

>>15958516
just porn but with rare words, bro

[Anonymous No.15958547]

>>15958516
Nobody asked for more.

[Anonymous No.15958564]

>>15958153
This is somehow worse.

[Anonymous No.15958568]

>>15958516
I want my 1 minute reading this back.

[Anonymous No.15958569]

>>15958516
I blame solely the demiurge for the existence of this insane shit

[Anonymous No.15958589]

>>15958564
I intensely disagree from a purely stylistic perspective.

[Anonymous No.15958597]

>>15958543
wow, random word so deep (TM!!) wow

[Anonymous No.15958599]

>>15958153
This is kino. You've managed to portray OPs trite subject matter in a way that's much more pleasant to read, at least.

[Anonymous No.15958612]

>>15958153
Based

>>15958485
Better than OP but worse than above

>>15958564
Jelly

[Anonymous No.15958637]

>>15958569
>Look guys! I am a Gnostic!!! XD
No. Look in the mirror for that.

[Anonymous No.15958651]

>>15958153
OP here. Firstly, thanks for taking the time to write this out. While I can agree with all the critique of my original paragraph (which seems to boil down to a Mishima style "trimming of the fat"), I don't like this paragraph as a strict alternative.

It reads in a way that sounds kind of cringe to me, as much as mine might be to others.

I was going for "schizophrenic, hyperstylized" but stuff like "what was the cold next to her lips" makes it read like a paperback with a hot naked guy on the cover.

[Anonymous No.15958655]

She really did look beautiful; painfully so.
Her arms, long and gaunt, hung limp by her side and above them a silken bob of white hair brushed the tips of her shoulders and nestled neatly around the back of her neck. In her left hand she held the sword, its blade a fluorescent maroon. The wind blew hard and the rain followed suit. With every pellet from above, I felt my knees shake. With every hard blown gust, I saw the knuckles of her left hand go sink down and grow pale. I could not look on her face for long. Her eyes, like two blood red suns above a vortex of pitch, did not allow for it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a smile stretch upon her face and as I glanced to look at it, out of the corner of my eye, she raised her blade. There came a roar of thunder and I fell to the side as a flash of maroon skirted past the top of my hair.

[Anonymous No.15958677]

>>15958637
Fite me irl m8 your prose is still shit

[Anonymous No.15958701]

>>15958651
"what was cold next to her lips" is quite different to "what was cold next to those lips, curled in hatred and bloodlusy and glee". Of course it remains cringe, because your topic is cringe, yet it remains one thousandth of the cringe of your OP which despite being overly verbose is much more reminiscent of paperback romance schlock. If you really want compelling portrayals of romance read Death in Venice, or Madame Bovary, or Swann's Way, or Anna Karenina.

[Anonymous No.15958704]

>>15958655
This is somehow better, I guess you can't do much with op's shitty manga story

[Anonymous No.15958710]

>>15958677
based apu poster

[Anonymous No.15958714]

>>15958651
You're a retard

I also despise the audacity of making your own personal critique thread

[OP No.15958829]

>>15958714
I feel the critique people offer in here can be fruitful for everyone.

[Anonymous No.15958838]

>>15958153
Gone from extreme overblown cringe to extremely dull triteness. Manages to be less engaging than OP.

[Anonymous No.15958845]

>>15958153
Much better than OP, i couldn't help but cringe while reading OPs

[OP No.15958867]

My prose is amazing, painfully so. And if you criticize my writing it's because you don't have the mental-emotional capacity to understand my mildly schizophrenic genius. Stay mad, incels.

[OP No.15958868]

They keep coming, baby:


Bristle grated against gum. Measured motions; quantized oscillations. To and fro.

Pinkish liquid dribbleD down chin in an infantile manner, painting the eggshell ceramic of the sink.

To and fro.

Gargle once. Head tilted backwards at at aproximate of 32 degrees to the normal. Slight delay; 3.5 seconds. Inhale through nostril (only the right being functional, twin beset by acute, seasonal sinusitus). Tilt forward in a short arc. Polite bow to sink. Ceramic imported from japan.

My mouth tasted of nothing but mint. Grating, copious amounts of inert mint that chilled the lungs with every inhale. Gently twisted the glass knob anti-clockwise-- the stream of scalding hot water draws to a ginger halt. Placed brush into mug beside tap. Erected against the wall until it stood acceptably elevated from the ceramic. Used index to swipe clean the concentric, open end of the toothpaste bottle; uncapped cap vigorously capped; bottom rolled. Placed parallel to tap. It had begun to rain outside, it seemed; the deluge produced a preposterously pesterous perpetual pattering against the double-insulated glass of the bathroom window.

So cold. So abhorrently, frighteningly, dreadfully cold. The purr of the AC running in the room adjoined was painfully palpable, as were the tremors that slyly slid down my arms, until they found themselves accumulated within the tips of my bony fingers. A delicate puff of grey vapour emerged from between my thin lips. It was as temporal an entity as myself. As weak, and mild.

It had been my first time, thrusting into a member of the opposite sex. I had grunted in a confused, ape-like manner which would have made Darwin pull a wry smile. Her almond eyes widened until they were walnuts: I’d heard the first time was always painful, and I really could not empathize. It slid in easily, being a respectably moderate length, aided by lubricate.

To and fro.

The offending wrist had then been retracted. Wrist: last seen submerged in innards, in possession of kitchen knife, appears frail and feminine. Shivers uncontrollably. Pale and devoid of hair.

She had sunk, left knee followed right, she crumpled. Absolutely noiseless, lips fused into a single line. The bangs that had flayed across her moderate forehead a few moments prior now hung with a depressed limpness. No tears, surprise turned to acceptance. Socrates had drawn a sip. Beware that ecstacy - that slow poison.

[OP No.15958879]

>>15958867
This is funny, but no. I actually agree with most posters here. They're absolutely right.

[OP No.15958883]

>>15958879
Shut up, schizo. Get out of my thread.

[Anonymous No.15958892]

>>15958867
>>15958868
>>15958879
>>15958883
this is getting pathetic.....

[Anonymous No.15958893]

>>15958838
Really? I found that one to be much, much more engaging than the OP.

[OP No.15958905]

>>15958883
fuck. I've done been hijacked by myself.

[Anonymous No.15958956]

Why does everyone on this board write like it's 1900?

[Anonymous No.15958985]

>>15958893
Yeah, it's just boring. OP is more engaging out of sheer operatic badness but there's nothing good about that paragraph. I mean
>As I watched I felt the wind bring wetness to my face
is just plain awful. There's no rhythm to any of it, it just plods along at a leaden pace.

[Anonymous No.15959048]

>>15958022
Wtf is a bang? Don't you mean fringe or hair curtain?

[Anonymous No.15959067]

>>15959048
Burgers call them bangs

[Anonymous No.15959083]

>>15958985
Well we can agree to disagree anon, I found it much more pleasant to read and it looks like others did too. To each their own.

[Anonymous No.15959135]

>>15958985
I liked that line specifically. The second and third are probably the best. The opening I found boring and the rest plods like you're saying. I'm not the other guy though.

[Anonymous No.15959202]

>>15958655
>and above
"Above what? I better look dow--"

>and above them
"--wnnnn up!"

With how neat you made the bob the sword feels like a fine toothpick blade. Took the limpness away for me.

>mentioning the left hand as such, twice

>I could not look on her face for long.
>next line: does this

>Out of the corner of my eye
I get you're trying to slide the eye and have that motion reveal the blade, but the direct repetition jerks the eye back for me.

Last line is overdirecting.

[Anonymous No.15959211]

Is English your first language? When I first started writing in English it was as bad as the OP and written similarly. I was also 10 and had only read Harry Potter novels in the language but I'm sure that's got nothing to do with the awful quality.

[Anonymous No.15959226]

>>15958022
A bit purple and you describe too many things as painful.

[Anonymous No.15959243]

>>15958655
Best one ITT

[OP No.15959305]

Jesus Christ, my ego is shattered.

It's easier to live in a dunning-kreuger fantasy when you're your only echo-chamber, huh? The fact I thought that I was an extremely proficient writer and made it a part of my character now seems fairly retarded. Thanks to all those who offered genuine critique and rewrites.

Not going to give up writing though. I hope I come out of this better.

[Anonymous No.15959425]

>>15959305
>The fact I thought that I was an extremely proficient writer and made it a part of my character now seems fairly retarded
In that case you deserve physical bullying.

[Anonymous No.15959456]

>>15958153
>I felt the wind bring wetness to my face and I became aware that my knees were quivering in the chill
"Wetness" is pure cringe, the original was better.
>The wind began to blow with increasing intensity, a few gregarious pellets of rain striking my forehead, my knees quivering under the chill

[Anonymous No.15959570]

>>15958022
Others have already pointed out the flowery and redundancy. It's all that and more.

Here's a couple glaring things I didn't like at all, which took me out of the narrative for how cliched, dumb and amateur they sounded.

>knees quivering
It's unrealistic and unnatural. It serves absolutely no purpose and it's something someone who's never actually shivered from cold weather would come up with. Any other part of the body would begin trembling before the knees imo. Not that it's a bad image or anything, but it just sets you up as an incompetent storyteller.
>giggling resounding in my ears
Didn't a thunder clap literal seconds earlier? And the giggling is what's resounding? Hm.
>It struck the cement with a sharp clang
Don't see why this should be a separate sentence.
>a pleasant sight
I mean, the MC is narrating in first person. He's cold, shivering, being attacked, having a ton of impressions and emotions for absolutely no fucking purpose, and he's able to register and appreciate the aesthetic or erotic sight of her body? Fucking hell. It's stupid and amateurish. Maybe make it a recollection.

>>15959243
>I saw the knuckles of her left hand go sink down and grow pale.
>knuckles of her left hand go sink down
This is the "best"?

[Anonymous No.15959591]

>>15959570
>This is the "best"?
Yeah

[Anonymous No.15959635]

>>15959591
Then kindly explain what the hell does "(a hand) go sink down" mean.

[Anonymous No.15959637]

the more I read this the worse it gets. what books do you normally read? could be that you don't have a good frame of reference for what constitutes decent writing

[Anonymous No.15959641]

>>15959635
Not him, but it's a typo, obviously.

[Anonymous No.15959647]

>>15959456
The original has wind and rain without interplay. Anons actually has the wind carry the mist over to the face. "Wetness" is fine, if anything's cringe about the better line it's "I became aware" followed by anon switching to a passive voice.

[Anonymous No.15959652]

>>15959647
>Anons
"Anon's," before someone gets me

[Anonymous No.15959727]

>>15958516
Stop using silken to describe hair. I doubt you have actually seen silk sheets or robes. Silken hair to me is very fine, greasy hair, like a balding 25 year old who hasn't showered for a week. Use words like luminous or flowing instead.

[Anonymous No.15959795]

>>15959727
>silk
>greasy
>I doubt you have actually seen silk sheets or robes.
Nigga, have you?

[Anonymous No.15959802]

>>15958022
Purpleshit

[Anonymous No.15959806]

>>15959795
Have you, nigga?

[Anonymous No.15959816]

>>15959806
Yeah, it sure as shit doesn't feel or look greasy.

[Anonymous No.15959895]

Best cringe porn I've read in a while.
Painfully so.
Painfully. So.
Thank you, OP.

[Anonymous No.15959920]

OP, it's (painfully) obvious that you need to spend less time interviewing yourself in your head about your writing and more time reading. You need to read more.