/CRIT/ - oh you better believe that it's a crit thread

[Anonymous No.15882941]

Share what you've written and I'll be smitten.
But leave a critique and you'll make my week!

[Anonymous No.15882947]

how do you start a story you don't know where to start or how do you begin a story where you don't know where to begin

[Anonymous No.15882956]

>>15882947
Just begin writing the bits you know you want to write. You can figure out how it all pieces together later.

[Anonymous No.15882969]

Pt. I

[Anonymous No.15882978]

>>15882969
Pt. II

[Anonymous No.15883356]

>>15882969
>>15882978
Comes across as a disjointed mess desu. I will admit I'm not a fan of stream of consciousness.

[Anonymous No.15883485]

>>15883356
Thanks for the feedback. I wrote it in one sitting and the intention is to go back and make it more coherent.

Your poem is nice, but I the changes in meter and rhyme feel a bit uncomfortable. The switch from the "claims, games, sprays, waves" rhymes to the "Earth, birth" rhyme feels clunky. Same with the "spew, flew, anew, hue" lines - it feels like there is a stress missing or something. Maybe others disagree?

[Anonymous No.15883548]

>>15883485
No problem, I definitely think you what you wrote has potential when you clean it up, I just prefer a little more coherence. As to mine, in truth I usually write short stories and know absolutely nothing about poetry or meter. I sat down earlier intending on writing a story about fairies and couldn't stop rhyming, so I decided to let it flow. I spent as much time on that as I would normally on 1000 words lol.

[Anonymous No.15883714]

Beside lies the dazed benefit of a guise,
Busy twitching the grit from between the fingers’ tips
Picking up the twigs that break from the wicks, the universal Beside
All that illuminate, frustrates and officiate,
Upon here surface is placed a switch or a knob to placate or protocol, tempo used as an instrument, stuck by masking tape
In here is where the film reel spins
The cold metal bolts and dry insomniac coughs twin the thing

But,
These dead, drab skin flakes
These painfully beautiful and necessary mistakes,
Floating in a prism of light
Crossing from the silver screen to a homely vessel,
Held to the same chains as radio waves
No different than anywhere else
No doubt the feedback shouts and rigid ground bounds, water in the ears and sopped skin that tears,
No different than anywhere else
The differences scrape all the sound, are cherry picked and move around, are better for and for without,
No different than anywhere else
This place is in a compromised state
What else is there in a face

[Anonymous No.15883763]

This is more one dimensional than I’d like but I’ll post anyway, first stanza could be better integrated with the second, could be expanded as well as condensed in places


Beside lies the dazed benefit of a guise,
Busy twitching the grit from between the fingers’ tips
Picking up the twigs that break from the wicks, the universal Beside
All that illuminate, frustrates and officiate,
Upon here surface is placed a switch or a knob to placate or protocol, tempo used as an instrument, stuck by masking tape
In here is where the film reel spins
The cold metal bolts and dry insomniac coughs twin the thing

But,
These dead, drab skin flakes
These painfully beautiful and necessary mistakes,
Floating in a prism of light
Crossing from the silver screen to a homely vessel,
Held to the same chains as radio waves
No different than anywhere else
No doubt the feedback shouts and rigid ground bounds, water in the ears and sopped skin that tears,
No different than anywhere else
The differences scrape all the sound, are cherry picked and move around, are better for and for without,
No different than anywhere else
This place is in a compromised state
What else is there in a face

[Anonymous No.15883789]

>>15883763
>A poem with too few line breaks
Uncommon

[Anonymous No.15884143]

>>15882969
Interesting prose anon. It's fucking weird, I'll give you that, but I can see people getting into it.
>>15883356
Obviously this is preference, but I love this. I'm into pretty prose, and you managed to not make it purple too. Keep it up.

https://pastebin.com/f2pxA4LK

[Anonymous No.15884294]

The light from the window shone square on her bed, then too was the light from the door, within it, a man, standing on the slant towards his lover.

“Hey baby I made some queso dip if you want any I mean it’s getting cold but it’s still perfectly good queso dip.”

She turned in the covers to watch how he graced the bed.

“Hey could you pass the remote? Oh shit, I spilled some queso. I guess that’s okay.”

Her world was blue as a tortilla chip.

[Anonymous No.15884398]

>>15882969
>>15882978
I hate it

[Anonymous No.15884491]

>>15882941
The Hypnotic Quest
...3...2...1...

Now that you are within a dream
& the visions around begin to gleam
Do not forget the task at hand:
“Seek out treasures in this land!”

Timeless creatures arise & go
(Some of them strange, others you know)
Follow the ones who catch your eye;
Ask them to help identify
The road to the Dragon’s lair:
There you shall go without any care.

Take your arrows, your cross, & your bow,
Go past the point where rivers flow
Towards the lake of crystal desire
There you will find the liquid fire
Flowing from the mouth of the cave:
Hurry now! There’s a princess to save!

Ascend the stairs to the doors above.
Hear the screams of the one you love?
Enter without any fear to fight;
No nightmares will kill you tonight.

Behold!
Piles & piles of mystic gold!
Remnant gems from days of old.

But wait...
something’s creeping from behind:
A dreadful shape evil designed.
See how it changes from form to form!
Brace yourself for this terrible storm.

When the Serpent lunges at your heart
Hit him right back with one of your darts!
Pin him to the wall for what he’s done,
But remember to thank him for all the fun.

Then take the lady you know very well
Bring her close to where your love swells
Drink from her, as if she was a cup.
Kiss her sweetly, before you wake up.

[Anonymous No.15884827]

>>15884398
Triggered

[Anonymous No.15884927]

>>15883356
This is interesting, but I think you need to downplay the sounds a bit. There can be some alliterations and assonances, but it ends up feeling a bit forced if you make it too musical, namely, people don't think in music - although there is surely some musicality and rhythm to thinking, and you can imitate it well. The images I also liked a lot.

[post pics this reminds you of No.15884943]

love alive somewhere

a ceramic among
the elements
would make her
linger too

hallways,
abandoned stares

we lived by
a chrysanthemum
in a clear glass
of water

smoky
audacity
in her smile
and the silence
of the soil

smalling campfire
warming into her . . .
the quiet, drunken
bellies of a grumbled truth

overturning
flies
flicker against
bright greasy windows

that are going
nowhere

[Anonymous No.15885024]

>>15884294 possible improvement

The light from the window shone square on her bed was met by the light from the door, in which stood the shadow of a man. He eclipsed the light outside and shut the door behind himself. As he stepped closer to speak, she could see him:

“Hey baby I made some queso dip if you want any I mean it’s getting cold but it’s still perfectly good queso dip.”

Her world was blue as a tortilla chip.

[Anonymous No.15885070]

>>15884491
Rhymes feel very contrived. The archetypal symbology feels very overwrought. I don't like it. But hey, hang in there.

I used to write poetry. Haven't for several years. I've just started looking at some of the old lines to encourage myself to give it another go. Maybe feedback can serve the same purpose.

Poem Written Upon Turning Twenty

Mountain makes way to Mesa
Zipping west on American transcontinental transcendental sidewalk
Every mile a memory
Marks moments rushing past
Like yellow lines swooshing through windshields

Canyon vistas, wondrous rivers, mountain lookouts
Majesty repeated
Each perfection a repetition
Like yellow blips
Windshield sight to rearview reflection

Old rail cars stalled on broken tracks
and progress of would-be rebel-poets derailed by moderation, life, laziness
and constraints of a dying youth

Oh I don't want to turn twenty, America
Let me be seventeen again
I want another go at teenage sex
(Where have all the deflowerings gone?)
One more shot at youthful inspiration
Maybe I'll be a prodigy this time
Just don't make me another victim of my own procrastination

And if I can't turn back the clock,
What use is the rubble of ill-spent youth?
Shall I rummage through it?
Are there prizes to be found?

How much of the world can a young man see
And still be rapt with sense of wonder?
There is a limit surely
To the days a man can run,
Can sing, drive fast, catch girls, and be creative

I'll take to the road, America
Find inspiration on the run
I've stood still too long

Forward the call of thunder!
Lightning strikes the heart!
We are twenty and we are bold
Time to be made for danger.
'Death is inevitable!'
Cries youth's last fire burning
The sun's away and desert starts to shine!

There is time still to burn
Five more years to love with hearts full and unafraid
There are trails yet to travel
Roads waiting to be veered off

‘Go!’ they call, chasing him down unknown roads
‘Experience your life! Get hurt or find your muse!
Be reckless or be creative! Oh to be your age again…’

And sometimes he listens
And thunder calls him on
To desert tempests
Alone in the rain
Soaked to the core

But fire reigns within!
While rising rivers sweep him shoeless
Turn his trails to waterways
Driving him to awe
Sense of duty and sense of danger
Are sucked out of him and swept away

Ah, but on the road as on the range he is shackled
Too much reflection, what wasn't done
Too much ambition, what must be done
Inspiration so evasive
Some sense of death harangues him
Makes him old at twenty
His 4x4 his hearse
His sleeping bag his deathbed

[Anonymous No.15885113]

here's some song lyrics i wrote. i see them as poetry

Your heart is pumping. What did you do?
A little something, is gonna find it's way to you.
It's in your mind, it's just a phase. Going around and round and round.
Said it's alright, yeah it's okay.

[Anonymous No.15885159]

1 of 2

[Anonymous No.15885165]

2 of 2

[Anonymous No.15885217]

>>15882978
I really like this anon

[colby !pAe1mgBY8w No.15885230]

A coffee date in 5, enough time for a quick stop at the home diy depot super store (for all your home DIY depot needs, 10% off all competing prices that will beat us by ten 10% and so on... ), enough time to get a few washers he needed for a faulty sink. The cadence of each drip was slowly driving him mad; he went to great pains to drown out their rhythmic pitter patter lest he be kept up all night by this silent din. He'd asked the landlord weeks ago to fix it, and finally, taking matters into his own hands, decided it was enough. "It's only 20h a pack, and I shouldn't encounter any additional nasties. If only that faggot of a landlord actually did something for once instead of sitting on his fat disfigured ass all day..." He was interrupted by a Philippina on crutches, moving along at a snail's pace in front of him. "Ghee, it'd be good if tgese slint eyed fucks realise they share a living space with other people huh?" he said to the lady behind him, who became the first of half a dozen to find themselves caught in congestion.

"MOVE YOU DODDERING YELLOW CUNT!" he screamed at a sudden outburst, so loudly that it startled her to the ground. "That's more my language!" he declared majesitically, walking over her, making
an effort to trod on her already badly damaged stilts, "English in case you were wondering, you should speak it some time, gook" he reproached her, giving an ironic smile and a wink as he left the aisle.

He walked up to the self serve checkout and paid for the washers, and pocketing some lighters while no one was looking, "That'll slow down those little cunts who've been lighting fires next door all week". He inspected his watch, "Ah, 8:29 and fifteen seconds, plenty of time to get to the Café au mer... heh, more like Café au merde, who names these shitholes... Oh well, never mind, those dating algorithms went to great lengths to getting me some time to chat with a right pretty little strumpet, even if she is a brunette, if she turns out to be a bitch I can just leave her to pay and.. oh, Emma, yes, hello, I was just getting some washers, glad I'm not late, shall we find a table?"

[Anonymous No.15885738]

>>15885159
The writing is ok, although it doesn't make sense from a practical standpoint. Usually landscapers put in fully or nearly fully grown plants, and when those wilt, replace them with new fully grown plants. That's how they get repeat customers. They come by once a month to refill the flowers. So it doesn't make sense why the kid is worried about plants growing

[Anonymous No.15885760]

I've written scripts before, but after feeling its much harder to succeed, I'm trying to write short stories.

Here is something I made up, the beginning of a story. Any critique will help me.

[Anonymous No.15885769]

>>15885159
I enjoy the prose. It read easily. What is with the footnotes? A type of parallel story or world building?

[Anonymous No.15886839]

>>15884294
If you don’t care then get the fuck out

[Anonymous No.15886988]

>>15885760
You misspelled wistfully. How does that happen? Do you not have spellcheck? The copy editor in me objects to the third sentence. Subject verb agreement. Some people were easier to answer? Can people be answered? Isn't it the questions surrounding / the questions which arise from some people which are answered? I guess it doesn't really matter but it is off. Change answer to explain or understand or something else. In general the punctuation is bad. I could give specific tips but I won't. Look at your commas. Many should be periods. Make shorter sentences here and there.

It could be a great start. Nothing amazing in there. No astute observations I haven't seen before. But it did make me want to see where it was going.

[Anonymous No.15887041]

>>15883356
I enjoyed reading that, however it does feel like you tried a bit with the language used. Wouldn't that make a problem with consistency if you'd write more/a bundle?

Wrote this last week. Haven't written or read much cus meds.

Engraved on his retina was his mailbox, which was the heart of his house
and the house of his being.
The centerpiece for both.
He puts a letter in on monday, takes one out on tuesday; repeats this process throughout the week with the exception of sundays.
On good days, letters could contain notable dreams, stories about burnt meals, complaints about stubbed toes.
But often life was too small.
Often life was so small, the letter would contain nothing more than the fact that he was writing it.
However that was something that had never discerned him.
His mailbox brought him endowment every day, until he died.
The last letter sent was an empty sheet of paper.
His house was full of those.

[Anonymous No.15887155]

>>15885159
Lovely fluid prose for the most part, with the main issue being your occasional slip in and out of passive voice-- for example "the worker had said". I think there are websites where you can copy and paste text in and it will highlight instances of passive voice for you. An easy read, though.

[Anonymous No.15887301]

>>15886839
The fact that I make it look easy doesn't mean I don't care anon

[Anonymous No.15887851]

>>15887155
Not him but that's not the passive voice, that's the past perfect. I also don't understand why people are so against using the passive voice.

[Anonymous No.15888310]

>>15885070
Your writing is pointless. You shouldn’t have wasted your time like that.

[Anonymous No.15888389]

>>15885113
I could see this being sung in a pop song. Write some more lyrics and hire a few cute korean girls who can kind of sing and you got yourself a gig.

[Anonymous No.15888419]

>>15887041
This is a really cool poem. Its very well rounded and I’m not struggling to understand what you mean. Reminds me of medieval theories of the eye and common sense.

[Anonymous No.15888489]

cutting in

we live at the bottom of an ocean
and it was pouring

spilling & staining

everywherespilled all across the deck
was pouring

it took three men to carry your heart away
and when they sliced it through
i thought it would drown us all-

you wouldn't stop coming

i was there
to open a door for you

to remind you
before you slipped

awayto wear your
rain boots

[Anonymous No.15888697]

>>15887155
This is great!

[Anonymous No.15888718]

>>15885159
Well written overall, the prose flows excellently. I'd ditch the whole footnote gimmick, though - it isn't particularly original and the content of the footnotes here doesn't really add much to the main text.

-----

Alright lads, I've got an honest question for you - I've posted a few excerpts of my stuff here recently, and an anon in the last thread told me that I should "just give it up" because my writing is "fucking terrible." I don't mind being told this, because I have no emotional attachment to anything I've written really, and certainly no expectation that I would ever get published. But I'm curious to see if others generally agree with that anon. Here's a scene I've written: https://pastebin.com/neuKRiDc

Seriously don't hesitate to shit all over it if you hate it, I'm not fishing for compliments here.

[Anonymous No.15888838]

>>15888718
How long have you been writing? That was pretty terrible.
>Bill’s nosebreath sustained his nosehairs aloft on a nosebreeze.
What the fuck were you thinking when you wrote this?

[Anonymous No.15889307]

>>15883789
I’m sure it could be done, I focus on getting it out and then if it would benefit from that styling then that can always be done, I care more about the words than the formatting though

[Anonymous No.15889313]

>>15888838
I can't stop giggling at this

[Anonymous No.15889433]

>>15888718
This might be so on the nose that it could be good. I’d say that a possible weak spot might come from having just too much “we live in a society” as a thing, but if the point is to encapsulate that much how or world has this dialog forced on us just that much then this isn’t unable to be worked into something. I’d say though, on the surface don’t let the criticisms appear too one sided. I think the side your criticizing could be an angle that would work for your piece/work, but as far as the presentation I think if you worked towards framing the satirical things to not always be in the exact center of the picture 100% of the time then that would give some depth.

[Anonymous No.15889742]

Rewrote a somewhat old story for a prompt, had to keep it under 500 words and set it in a funeral home (at least partly). Not my best writing, feels like the message got muddied. Dunno how to make it clearer and stay within the word limit.

https://pastebin.com/JwpBC3UJ

[Anonymous No.15890033]

>>15885769
Mostly world building, just bits and pieces of historical info to further flesh out the time period it's set in (with the occasional narrative digression as seen in the second footnote)
>>15885738
Ah man just suspend your disbelief for a bit, it works better for the plot if they plant em. The whole thing's kinda centered around the plants not growing at first
>>15887155
Thank you! And regarding passive voice: >>15887851 what he said. I like your writing too!
>>15888718
Ahh but I like the footnotes tho, my intent was to do worldbuilding and a little narrative fuckery that I guess isn't very useful but is fun to do. Thanks man

[Anonymous No.15890048]

>>15885738
You know what, upon further deliberation I've decided that I'll make it so that the landscapers charge an exorbitant fee for replanting and maybe they've already tried replanting once with the plants still not growing, so Biegler decided not to pay em for nothing anymore. Thanks for the info dude

[Anonymous No.15890234]

Copy pasta I made for twitch, but I don’t think it’s funny enough as it is just extremely gay. It’s supposed to be funny-gay, not like super homosexual. Tldr help make this gay fan fic into a funny gay thing

[Anonymous No.15890243]

>>15890234
Bear hadn’t played for weeks. And though he was loath to admit, St0uty longed for their exhausting duels and teasing banter. After a steaming shower and a quick bowl trim, Stout began to boot up Mordhau-another tiring and quick sesh without his mysterious friend. He always reckoned himself the better player, yet deep down he yearned for the beatings only Bear could deliver him.
Suddenly a knock at his door.
Opening it, wearing only his bathrobe and programmer socks, he was greeted by the visage of a great big hairy bastard. a literal aurochs. He knew it to be Bear out of pure intuition. Suddenly the mans hand shot out faster than any long sword riposte (St0uty attempted to chamber this but to no avail) and gripped his pale, twunkish neck. Bear pulled the boy close, Stouts translucent skin burning with sweat against the mans tanned and black furred chest, and began kissing him with the force of a thousand maul blows. “What took you so long” St0uty gasped, letting the robes slip from his quivering shoulders.

Forgot to post it lol

[Anonymous No.15890251]

>>15890243
Gross.

[Anonymous No.15890431]

>>15888718
You over describe. And many of your descriptions try to be too clever. The effect is to leave one in consternation. Reading your prose feels like trying to find the keyhole in the dark.

[Anonymous No.15890469]

>>15890251
Right???? I know I know, that’s what I’m trying to fix, it makes me feel uncomfortable, not like something I want to laught to

[Anonymous No.15890543]

>>15890234
Sorry anon. You're gay. It's terminal.

[Anonymous No.15890601]

>>15890543
I’ve been watching gay porn since 6th grade, but I don’t fancy myself gay, I’m straight right?

[Anonymous No.15890672]

With all of that behind him now, he turned again to face the ocean. Looking out on a horizon shrouded by a cloud layer, he thought it was impossible to tell where the sea ended and the sky began. They were both the exact same mournful grey, a probable confirmation of the nor'easter he heard circulating down at the docks. He thought of weather. How unpredictable it still was. He looked down at his feet to watch the waves recede, leaving jagged little rivulets in the sand, and took comfort that he could find no order to their paths either.

[Anonymous No.15890882]

>>15890672
WOAH you’re like the greatest writer of all time WOWEE WOEEEEEWEEE

[Anonymous No.15890968]

>>15890882
I know

[Anonymous No.15891194]

>>15890048
You can also make the main character's wife want a specific type of flower. Landscapers will usually fill with "generic, whatever cheap flower is in season" flower. This flower can be a rare flower that only grows in one season, or the main characters are trying to grow a flower that really cannot grow in their zone. For example, morning glories are really finicky in the northeast due to the cold, but they grow like weeds in the south because of the heat. The main characters can be stubborn and reeeeeee I must have THIS PARTICULAR flower

[Anonymous No.15891769]

>>15891194
For sure. Also, I've been trying to educate myself on plants and botany and stuff because that's a large part of what I intend to write; since you seem to know about this shit, do you have any recommendations for resources I can use to do that?

[Anonymous No.15892032]

>>15891769
The Wikipedia glossary of botany terms is huge and incredible.

[Anonymous No.15892037]

Quiero conocer la verdadera belleza, estar cara a cara con la forma platónica de lo Bello y entregarle mi corazón.

Quiero enamorarme de algo y amarlo tanto hasta el punto que literalmente me muera y deje de existir; hasta el punto que me disuelva completamente en Amor y Belleza.

Quiero enamorarme de la vida, quiero enamorarme de algo, sentir tanta hermosura que no me quepa en el cuerpo. Quiero que mi corazón se desintegre en un millón de pedazos!

Que la barrera entre el yo y el otro se vuelva tan absurda, como un ciego enpalmando las páginas de un libro.

Anhelo el día en que el Amor y el Odio se den la mano, se vean en atravez de una ventana que se transfigura en un espejo.

Qué tajante el sentido del humor de la Creación, haciendo arder cuanto ser le cruze!

Contando los segundos, minutos y horas, hasta que fulminemos en el infinito sin dejar atrás ni una sola palabra y mucho menos un suspiro.

Qué filosa es la daga bendita de la impermanencia, lacerando sin discriminación alguna.

[Anonymous No.15892096]

>>15891769
Not that guy, but I've planted vegetables, fruits, flowers in my backyard with varying degrees of success throughout the years. There are farmer/gardener forums with good, real life info. You'll want to look for threads like "Should I plant x? I'm in zone y" and a bunch of people in that zone will answer about whether they've been able to get those plants to grow successfully.

[Anonymous No.15892111]

Haven't been feeling that well lately, so I decided to start writing. Never did anything other than writing for classes in school.

https://pastebin.com/q1zSvbnk

[Anonymous No.15892124]

>>15892096
For example, I'm in Texas, and plum and peach trees don't do well. They'll die unless you spend all your free time spraying insecticide and battling fire ants. I've heard of people who have done it though, so I guess with lots and lots and lots and lots of hard work, it's possible

> t. tried 3x with plum and peach trees and all I got was black trees and yard full of fire ants

http://www.city-data.com/forum/dallas/890471-anyone-experienced-planting-fruit-trees-trying.html#b

[Anonymous No.15892332]

>>15885159
Too much superfluous description. Rigid precision. Pick one. Every goddamn noun has a limp dicked adjective cuddled up next to it or lapping at its heels. Cut out like 30% of your repetitive descriptors and this would improve dramatically. It does improve when you enter the dialogue portion, but before that you are beating a dead horse with your word economy.

[Anonymous No.15892450]

>>15892096
Thanks dude, I'll check it out
>>15892332
Can you give me some examples? Admittedly I did think I overused adverbs yeah

[Anonymous No.15892781]

I gone and done this
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19XS5CnlT2wcf2UMbigW_Ph0YDdlVQOsjl2SAn70R5gA/edit#heading=h.ep6vchoh4k80

[Anonymous No.15892871]

>>15883763
>>15884294
>>15884491
>>15884943
>>15885113
>>15885159
>>15885230
>>15885760
>>15888489
>>15889742
>>15890234
>>15890672
>>15892037
>>15892111
>>15892781
Where is your critique you fucking faggots?

[Anonymous No.15892874]

>>15892871
doesn't matter now, no way to get identified after the fact even if i do it

[Anonymous No.15892890]

>>15892874
Weak cop out, why would any stranger link your post as his own and critique someone else's.

[Anonymous No.15892913]

>>15892871
What are you complaining about, you faggot? Everyone's works got critiques

[Anonymous No.15892925]

>>15892913
I'm complaining about people posting without critiquing anyone you illeriterate moron. No need to make shit up either, I was the only reply to several of those posts. Punk.

[Anonymous No.15892932]

>>15892925
How do you know the other anons didn't give critques to the posts, or they didn't give critiques on other thread? You're a mong

[Anonymous No.15892948]

>>15892871
Irreverent, but lacking charm. 2/10.

[Anonymous No.15892955]

>>15892932
Common sense nigger. That was over half the fucking posters in this thread. I'm not interested in any other nonsense, please spare me your sophistry.

[Anonymous No.15892983]

>>15892955
You don't have any evidence to your accusations because there's no way to track who gives whom Yous

[Anonymous No.15893028]

>>15892983
The evidence is as clear as can be on an anonymous imageboard you fucking disingenuous sophist. I linked posts that displayed work without critiquing anyone else. Again, they are free to post a critique and link their own post.

[Anonymous No.15893117]

>>15893028
1. How do you know that those anons didn't give critique on other anons' works? Some writings have multiple critiques
2. How do you know that they didn't give critiques on previous threads?
3. How do you know you're a bitchy cocksucking tranny on his fake period? Wait. That one actually is as clear as can be

[colby !pAe1mgBY8w No.15893119]

>>15893028
The profanity adds nothing to your "prose", and your logic is flawed on the assumption that a critique was needed at all.
1/10

[Anonymous No.15893150]

>>15893117
>How
>How
>How
Critical thinking skills kid. It's really that simple.
>>15893119
>tripfag
Scum.

[Anonymous No.15893192]

>>15893150
I see. You're shitting up a thread for no reason, got it

[Anonymous No.15893214]

>>15893192
Look at me, not the mirror, pussy. Givong critique has always been an expectation in /crit/ threads. You're the one butthurt because I called posters (you?) out.

[colby !pAe1mgBY8w No.15893215]

>>15893150
>tripfag
>scum

how else are people going to know its me giving critiques? Seems like someone wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous No.15893230]

>>15893215
The ego on this kid. Absolutely unreal. Tongue my anus.

[Anonymous No.15893260]

>>15893119
stealing an unoriginal gag from an anon in the same thread, mr. trip?

your penance is for your next 10 posts you have to type out "Anonymous" into your name tag.

[Anonymous No.15893282]

>>15893214
If you ever have evidence of your claims of non critiques, you are free to show us

[colby !pAe1mgBY8w No.15893461]

>>15893260
I was one of the ones he originally accused of not leaving a crit (if you care to look) . I was simply giving what I owed

[Anonymous No.15893667]

>>15890672
This is good, I would just get rid of the "the nor'easter..." and leave the rest of that sentence implied after "grey."

>>15885760
imo, this is all telling and no showing where it really counts. we get intimate portrayals of some random girl going to a pool but we quickly breeze over what he "drags his finger" across, even though what his "friends and family" are posting should be relatively impressionable on anyone. there may be a reason for this in some narrative outside this snippet, but i think this part would be stronger if you flipped the focus around.
>>15885159
No offense intended, but I feel exhausted by the end of the first paragraph and nothing has happened to hook me.

[Anonymous No.15893725]

Opinions on my poem about Emperor Julian? I had to write it for a class.

Never since Jove bestowed life upon man
Has there been such a mischievous plan
Not even Piso contrived such treachery
In his struggle to blooden Nero’s porphyry
But now, cold in Phrygia’s warm, eternal sands
Lays the man who once held the world in his hands
Forsaken by all, no more Gods to look after him
“The Galilean has won”, that was Julian’s final scream
Fortuna had no powers in those Persian lands
Neither Apollo could answer the poor Caesar’s demands
The spear which struck through his side
Flung was by that betrayer with such pride
Hoping to reach Heaven by horrid deceit
Proudly boasting “’Twas a stunt I’d gladly repeat”
His men sought deliverance from destined demise
Lost in the nation of the Demon with no allies
Who is worthy now to mediate with the King of the East
In this day in which Rome’s glory ceased
They chose a man of godly name but unequal might
To the stool of August not ever had he any right
The soldier Jovian was appointed to take command
Just as the conspirators had already planned
Absolved by Shapur they were not
Kingly honour wanted he for the battle just fought
As the last Constantinian was put to rest
The Nazarene creed transcended its utmost test

[Anonymous No.15893827]

>>15893725
I'm not good with variable-syllable poetry, so I'll just point out lines that felt unclear to me.
>Lays the man who once held the world in his hands
Is the man laying something on the sands? You probably meant lie (as in the man's corpse exists there).
>Neither Apollo could answer the poor Caesar’s demands
The line would flow smoother if you said "Neither could Apollo answer" (so the pair's meaning would become "Fortuna had no powers, and Apollo couldn't answer either"), because the line as you wrote it has the specific syntax of "Neither x nor y could answer".
>Flung was by that betrayer with such pride
"Flung was by" is hard to parse, you could write as either "Flung by that betrayer" or "That betrayer flung".
>To the stool of August not ever had he any right
Could probably be shortened to "To stool of August never he had right".
>Kingly honour wanted he for the battle just fought
Maybe "(sought he/he sought) for the battle just fought"?

I do like the overall structure.

---

This is my opening line for a story in which someone wakes up as one soul in two bodies, so I want to know if it hooks you into chasing the mystery:

The first birthday that I intended to enjoy alone began when I lazily booted myself from my bed, jolted myself from the floor, saw myself trying to not look myself in the eye, realized I was now in control of two bodies, and concluded that I was technically not alone anymore.

[colby !pAe1mgBY8w No.15893871]

>>15893725
Its an overdone theme. Roman emperors make me yawn, Shakespeare did one too many plays on the topic. Would be refreshing to see someone present the overthrow in a positive light/as a good thing, as though he had it coming (reminder that (((they))) dont want this). The rhyming more or less works, but the not/fought lines (as an example) are made clunky by the less than desirable similarity in noises, which is exacerbated by the large difference in syllable count. Disappointed by the dearth of slurs.

[Anonymous No.15894589]

>>15893827
Reads like something on Wattpad. Sorry, anon

[Anonymous No.15894665]

>>15893725
Nice range of vocabulary but you've got some messy differences in syllables and phonetics screwing up your meter, for example
>“The Galilean has won”, that was Julian’s final scream
Could be shortened to
>“The Galilean has won”, that Julian’s final scream
and it'd flow much better; then there's lines like
>The spear which struck through his side
that are too short and interrupt the rhythm just as much, if not more

As an example here's how I'd do the first few lines:

>Never since Jove bestowed life upon man
>Has there ever been such a mischievous plan
>Not even Piso, contrived of such treachery
>In his struggle to blooden Nero’s porphyry
>Now, cold, in Phrygia’s warm sands
>Lays the man who once held the world in his hands

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894671]

>>15894665
I know I've changed the meaning of the third line a little bit with the syntax change but it's just an example in terms of rhythm

- - -

>>15892781
Would have been funnier if you did what Bret said on Twitter about updating it to the present day with Bateman now in his 40s/50s and meeting Chris Martin from Coldplay at a restaurant etc.

- - -

>>15892111
Decent for little practice; there's some elementary things in the prose that sound clunky, try reading your stuff back aloud in a natural tone and cadence to spot things that don't sound as good, e.g.
>The strap of the tech-shot was beginning to chafe against Frye’s shoulder, and he could not take his mind off it. To Frye’s right stood Jackson, who leaned against the curve of the wall.

You've already mentioned Frye's name once before dropping it again very soon, you could try
>The strap of the tech-shot was beginning to chafe against Frye’s shoulder, and he could not take his mind off it. To his right stood Jackson, who leaned against the curve of the wall.

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894675]

>>15894671
Because no other person has been mentioned inbetween, the "he", "his" stuff isn't so anonymous, the reader still has the image of the character Frye in their head as they move on to this sentence so there's no need to reintroduce the name, which sounds more simplistic and childlike in tone. Even better, you could try
>The strap of the tech-shot was beginning to chafe against Frye’s shoulder, and he could not take his mind off it. To his right, Jackson leaned against the curve of the wall. Jackson had taken his tech-shot and found a groove in the floor...

Frye is already familiar with Jackson's presence, so introducing his presence out of nowhere like this sounds more like what we are witnessing is the continuation of events that were happening before the reader began observing them, rather than- as it reads in your draft- the narrator painting a scene that isn't there already, saying, "We need this here, and a bit of that there, and in the foreground there should be this and that-" which is certainly how one thinks up a fictional scene in their mind, but the next step ability-wise is to try and synthesise that 'painting' in your imagination into text that draws the reader into thinking about it as something that's happening/happened, not something they're being told about by you.

Same with the next sentence, which could be shortened to
>Jackson had taken his tech-shot and found a groove in the floor, using the rifle to prop himself up.

We already know about the wall, we don't need it mentioning again. Another example of something you've overlooked is the repetition of a "A, while X did Y" sentence structure that does not come across very natural in cadence.
>“I’ve got a hankering, Frye,” Jackson said while illuminated by the dull blue service lights overhead.
>“Shut it Jackson, looks like an officer,” Frye said while prodding Jackson.
>“Damn it,” Frye thought while he walked towards the door.

Again, these read more like instructions to the reader as to what they should do to reconstruct the image of the scene you have in your head, rather than a description of what some characters are saying and doing. You may also want to use italics to differentiate between characters speaking and thinking, though that's up to personal style and taste.
>“I’ve got a hankering, Frye,” Jackson said, his figure illuminated by the dull blue service lights overhead.
>Frye prodded Jackson. “Shut it; looks like an officer.”
>“Damn it,” Frye thought as he approached the door.

That last sentence could be done in a less "EXIT STAGE RIGHT" manner e.g.
>“Damn it,” Frye thought as he approached the door in trepidation.

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894681]

>>15894675
These are things you're more likely to pick up, as I said, if you try to read your stuff back aloud. With practice you'll be able to read in your head imagining how it'd sound aloud and pick up on the same sorts of things.

- - -

>>15892032
Not sure I get the point the first part of the last stanza is getting at but the rest is pretty funny.

- - -

>>15890672
The dialectal bit you should only keep if your dialogue in the same piece is heavy with the same stuff. Why "cloud layer" rather than "layer of cloud"? Is it particular to the technical dialect of this character? Otherwise, nicely done.

- - -

>>15889742
Word limits are for chumps, I hate competitions and academic tasks like that. I like your way of describing things but it's clear you're being hampered by the format.
-It's not immediately clear if the "He" the prose refers to is the same person throughout or if you're switching between perspectives, which makes the narrative a bit hard to follow. You may need to use names to make the relationship between the different people speaking easier to follow instead of "he", "his" etc all of the time. Use one-syllable, less common names (more Sids and Leos, no Jacks or Johns) if you want to keep it impersonal.
-Switching tenses is messy, even if it's to denote non-linear storytelling. The narrative and the big break signs should be enough to signify that.

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894686]

>>15894681
-Some clunky wordings but I guess that's the word count?
>In the parking, he tries thinking of something good to say, for when he's inside. But the lot is full. As he tries to find space elsewhere...
sounds a lot weirder than
>In the parking lot, he tries to think of something good to say, for when he's inside. But the lot is full. As he tries to find a space elsewhere...
-You could lose a few words here-
>In a real soap opera he might've slapped his dad. But all the talking to his brother’s doctor had made him too tired that day.
you've gotten the point across and it's a bit too much like a character going "This isn't the movies, it's real life!" during a crisis.

You've gotten the emotions and stuff across pretty well, nicely done, though the last section is a bit cryptic and I'm not sure if it's meant to be. If he's getting grey hairs, why only 20 candles for a birthday cake? What's the significance of "And lights"?

- - -

>>15888718
You've got a lot of nice details and once it gets into the dialogue a lot of it's very natural and pleasantly written, but your prose is way, way too overwrought and trying to pack too many details into each sentence. Cut out half of every description. Pick a detail that sums up the point you're trying to make with that sentence and ditch the rest.
>Bill’s backyard had perfectly trimmed hedges, dainty paths of cobblestone, prayer flags and wind chimes under the security searchlight.
could easily just be
>Prayer flags and wind chimes glowed palely beneath the security light.

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894696]

>>15894686
You've got plenty of opportunity to work in the setting being Bill's backyard in the subsequent text without it being so on-the-nose. If your intention is to suggest that Bill has all this 'peace and love' paraphernalia and a cute garden but is, in contrast, paranoid about crackheads etc. and has invested in a home security system, then the simplified sentence above is all the introduction you need to make that statement. Rinse and repeat for the whole thing.

- - -

Here's a multiple choice one for you: Firstly, I'm on the verge of writing a sci-fi short story about the role of faith in society and mankind's continued survival but I'm stuck on whether to narrate it in the third person or the first person.

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894704]

>>15894696
The reason I'm conflicted is that it's going to be one piece of a larger novel that is interrupted at key points in the narrative by ~5 chapters that work as stand-alone stories but also, on a higher level, describe the emotional and spiritual journey of the protagonist-narrator of the larger work. The novel narrated in the first person by a drug addict in a realistic present-day setting, investigating the disappearance of an old friend, and basically at each point in the story that he indulges, the interludes occur, mostly science fiction allegories. The other interludes have naturally lent themselves towards using third person, but the final and largest one would work best if it was also in first person, as the premise of the story is a world in which malfunctioning optical implants have left most of society experiencing hallucinations, and I think it'll be hard to sell the 'world' of the story to the reader, especially such intensely subjective and visual experiences, if it is narrated from a detached perspective. The characters in the interlude are visited by a being from an unspecified 'outside' civilisation (aliens/dimensional travellers) and they persuade it to act as an arbitrator of truth and then it turns into a The Man Who Fell To Earth sort of deal, and is also heavily inspired by PKD, particularly Radio Free Albemuth. Another aspect of these interludes is that they're meant to sound like the sort of stories a druggie would come up with, hence the typical motifs of madness, altered realities and whatnot. But I'm worried that if this interlude is written in the first person, it will clash with the first-person narration of the rest of the story 'proper'. Doing it first person would also allow me to structure it a bit like Radio Free Albemuth with the story split into a series of segments from different characters' points of view as the emphasis of the plot shifts to them, furthering the identity instability inherent to the premise. But I still feel like continuing in first person will muck up the flow of the larger work given that, so late in the novel, the reader will have become attuned to "I" being the words of the junkie protagonist. Changing format so late in the game feels like it'll end up sitting awkwardly in the rest of the text. Feels like a double-bind. Any advice on how to proceed?

shit, didn't break the post for the copy-paste in an optimum spot there, should have made that last post longer

cont.

[Anonymous No.15894719]

>>15894704
Alternatively, here's a different short story I wrote a few months back about the parasitic relationship between the older and younger generations currently alive brought about by the West's crisis of faith; I'd appreciate feedback on the quality of my prose and dialogue, the nuts and bolts, as I probably need an outside perspective to see the wood for the trees, since I already have such a strong visual image of the events already imprinted in my mind; and also, if there are any particular points at which the quality of the story sags in comparison to the rest: https://www.dropbox.com/s/airgam86i587aqq/What%20Is%20It%20That%20Is%20Coming%2C%20web%20copy.pdf?dl=0

Also, apologies for not making good on this post here >>15834141, these new blues hit stronger than the last ones and I fell asleep straight after showering so the thread was archived before I could reply.

[Anonymous No.15895317]

bump

[Old Man No.15895632]

>>15893725
You're no Virgil, I'll tell you that

[Anonymous No.15895793]

I'll try to respond to as much as I can later today, but firstly

>>15894686
>the last section is a bit cryptic and I'm not sure if it's meant to be
It's supposed to be, to leave ambiguity as to whether he simply lit the candles, or himself. Hence the section about greying hairs, to suggest he might be lighting a different sort of "candle".
>If he's getting grey hairs, why only 20 candles for a birthday cake?
A thing I've found out personally, unfortunately is that your hairs can start to grey out if you don't take good care of yourself; google says
>White and gray hairs may start to grow at any age, and may be caused by a range of different factors. Any deficiencies of vitamin B-6, B-12, biotin, vitamin D, or vitamin E can contribute to premature graying.
Really, it's intentional that the protagonist was that young. To contrast with the sort of thing he's going through, as though it puts more years on him.

I think you made a lot of really good suggestions, and I appreciate that a lot so I'll try to make good use of them and see if I can make myself hate that piece a bit less. Just wanted to clear up some things. The thing is, this isn't actually the first comment I've gotten on the story about the qualities of grey hair, and I'm not sure if that bears in-story explanation when it's just kind of a medical fact about them, even though people may not be aware.

[Anonymous No.15896637]

>>15890672

You should never have cheated on your wife Noah Solloway.

[Anonymous No.15897014]

>>15890672
>>15896637

Lmao this nigga really copied and pasted from the TV show. Noah is /lit/ personified minus all the sex- whiny, elitist, rejects materialism, morally reprehensible, and occasionally talented

[Anonymous No.15897764]

>>15893667
What in the world is any of any of this supposed to be

[Anonymous No.15898637]

>>15893667
This is pretty awful ngl

[Anonymous No.15899461]

Just a sentence from an attempt at a query but I can't even tell if it's correct. Help an ESL retard out, please.

"Mutual disagreements litter their way towards a relationship neither expects to last."

One can use "litter" that way, n-no?

[Anonymous No.15899566]

im a midwit stem major someone give me a writing topic and i write some

[Anonymous No.15899581]

>>15899461
>One can use "litter" that way, n-no?
doesnt matter i know what you're saying

[Anonymous No.15899626]

>>15899581
That's the most encouraging thing I read today. Thanks, anon.

[Anonymous No.15899635]

>>15899461
It should be "litter the way".

[Anonymous No.15899680]

>>15899635
I introduced the characters in a previous sentence basically in a "boy meets girl" way, so thought "their" would connect both sentences better, and give it a more personal/closer perspective. "The way" sounds more like a distant observation.

In that context "their" wouldn't be wrong, or?

[Anonymous No.15899726]

>>15885159
>Letting the worker get back to his work
Should be
>Letting the worker return to his duty
To harken back to the soldiering quip

I like how you set up two characters that are polar opposites; you have a man who chooses to not be burdened with anything other than his garden(even only if a little) and a boy who is very concerned with his career and the going ons of the current time(because he'd rather not end up as another body in some far slung war)
>>15882941
Here's what I've got in regards to a particular battle scene I've got stuck in my head. I wish to write a SciFi fantasy in which most of the dialogue is Anglish, and it features a hash of languages that could be Germanic if a great migration had occurred among planetary bodies instead of the countries we know of today. This has a battle poem I'm working on, and I still have to think of the dialogue that leads up to it. This particular unit is suffering tremendous losses and a certain character(who was thought to have died in battle) awakes and his first instinct is drawn upon the flag he swore fealty towards; this poem is his rallying cry
>Pt 1

[Anonymous No.15899747]

>>15899726
>Pt 2

[Anonymous No.15899752]

>>15899747
>Pt 3

[Anonymous No.15899772]

>>15899752
>end

Just keep in mind I like to write what I jot down in regular writing and then I alter the prose how I want, fixing and adding words or making up stuff. Just trying to do research on Anglish atm

[Anonymous No.15899791]

>>15899752
Oh, and on this I'm still trying to research Saxon poems and their structure so this poem is still a wip.

[Anonymous No.15902201]

bump

[Anonymous No.15902260]

Where do you guys plan to publish your final writing?

[Anonymous No.15902272]

>>15890243
Stouty browses here i think. Nice display of faggotry though, glad i dumped the mordhau community ages ago

[Anonymous No.15902776]

>>15899680
"their" is grammatically correct and makes technical sense, it's just a bit clunky and isn't the way someone would naturally speak. "litter the way" would make the observation more generalised about all people who have mutual disagreements, but also sounds a lot more natural. Also, what would you mean by "mutual disagreement"? Surely all disagreements require the non-cooperation of at least two parties and are mutual in that sense?

[Anonymous No.15902779]

>>15899566
Palaeoclimatology

[Anonymous No.15903003]

>>15902776
Yeah, fair points. Thank you.

I meant as sort of a constant stream of "yeah, let's agree to disagree on that, and that, also that". Plus I just love oxymoronic stuff, and it felt like the most efficient way to sum up their dynamic, which is sort of a softer "Vitriolic Best Buds" trope.

[Anonymous No.15903412]

>A couple are afflicted with giant boils
https://rigamarolefiction.wordpress.com/2020/07/12/the-city-itch/

>A bachelor shrinks in height and becomes famous
https://rigamarolefiction.wordpress.com/2020/07/12/big-spoon-little-spoon/

[Anonymous No.15903546]

>been away long enough to get the boot from Yandex
fair enough, I'll knock on the door if I need something