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/lit/ - Literature

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1587982 No.1587982 [Reply] [Original]

Hi /lit/
I was supposed to be writing an essay, but I ended up writing a poem instead. This poem has gone through a few versions. I kind of liked them partially but felt the ideas were a little underdeveloped. It was just about night-time, but now I've fleshed that out to be about the city and nature more generally. I think it still feels a little disjointed in places though. What do you think?

I heard the coal-train's broken roar.
I saw it pass the crooked spire,
the garage roofs, the pubs and bars
long into dusk and night.
I saw the birches' pale forms
half-gone in orange lamplight.
The stars - they hid and yellowed
from this firmament of cars.

Dawn rolled out like freezer-fog,
aglow in sulphur lamps.
I was glad when train-song woke me first,
and the crying birds were shooed.
Machines don't mourn in throngs
for homes and nests chopped to wood.
Was nature any good?
Or does my mind build garage roofs
where a crooked spire stood?

>> No.1588008
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1588008

Bump, with nice wallpaper.

>> No.1588038
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1588038

Last bump. Even if you hate it I still want to know. Second opinions are important to me.

>> No.1588061

s'alright. agree that it reads a little disjointed

>> No.1588067

meh, it doesn't suck, nothing's dazzling, be more logical

>> No.1588076

I like it. Not a great poem or anything and could use some more revision, but it's alright. A good respite from the piles of "lol I love nature" poems that everyone else writes. I'd like to see it a little bit longer.

>> No.1588082

Well, I like the firmament of cars. It might have been more efficient in prose, though.

>> No.1588098

>>1588082

I for one thought the firmament of cars was really naive and senseless

>> No.1588100

>>1588061
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what to do about it yet though.
>>1588067
Okay, I've copied that advice. I'm guessing by 'logical' you mean moving from one subject to another? That sounds like it'll help.
>>1588076
Awesome, I'll see what I can add to it to increase length. It will probably take me a couple of weeks to think of new material.
>>1588082
Gosh that shocked me but I think you might be right. It might be good to face my fear of prose. I normally end up seriously overwriting, so that would benefit me.

Thanks for the input guys, I'll copy everything for future reference.

>> No.1588112

>>1588098
>>1588082
Here's where 'firmament of cars' came from. My English teacher wrote a song about an emo boy with a 'firmament of scars' on his arm and told us we could steal the line. It was a kind of clever but horrid line, but I thought it would be good minus the emo-ness. I'm conflicted about it - I intended it to be a kind of inversion, linking back to the nature being overtaken idea. Part of me however thinks it's exactly what Kikéronne called it - senseless.

>> No.1588152

It sounds cheesy, but I still think it's coherent with the inversion you intended... if you take it ironically..? ok, it's a bit cheesy.