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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

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1564143 No.1564143 [Reply] [Original]

rate this :

i was going back to the city today. Resplendent with colors of artificial lights at night. Moving on, i saw happy people around me with their fake smiles. None of them faker than the shop owner where i used to buy stuff for my daily rations. Fashion police on the patrol. I decided to run. Not because i was badly dressed. But because i was ugly. This is the future, where ugly and bad dressed people are not allowed to exist together with good looking people and well dressed humanoids. I was an illegal in my own country. Oh Vanity, thy be the Future of Planet Earth.

>> No.1564146

i know the writing stinks but what do you think of the story?

>> No.1564145

Wank.

>> No.1564147

>>1564145
LIPS TOO BIG FOR ME

>> No.1564150

It's bad. Sorry!

>> No.1564151

Nice vagina.

Writing and story are shit.

>> No.1564152

the idea isn't bad. You see all the hipsters and good looking people dominating the media and real life in general? It can and is happening subliminally.

However, the way you've written this shit is unbearable dawg

>> No.1564172

I actually enjoyed a your tiny story a lot. Now, keep writing! The style you have written the piece in is, for me, not only easy to follow but intriguing.

>> No.1564179

>>1564172
Well have you ever... read anything else?

>> No.1564185 [DELETED] 

FTFY

I was going back to the city today. All around me, bring neon lights, and signs shone, illuminating the faces of smiling passerbys, as they stare me down with their lifeless eyes. Their smiles reminded me of a monkey's; forced, and fake. The shop owner, who I receive my daily rations from, smiled at me as well; though I'm sure he was directing his smiles at the people behind me, rather than smiling at me with his monkey face. I took my rations and left. From the corner of my eye, I could see the uniformed silhouettes that plagued my very existence. Fashion police on patrol. I ran. I ran, not because I was badly dressed, but because I was out of fashion, because I was ugly. An ugly person was never in fashion, and like everyone who was out of fashion, they had to be separated from everyone else who was in fashion. I kept running, half-wishing that I was born with a monkey face, and with a monkey smile.

>> No.1564188

FTFY


I was going back to the city today. All around me, bright neon lights, and signs shone, illuminating the faces of smiling passerbys, as they stare me down with their lifeless eyes. Their smiles reminded me of a monkey's; forced, and fake. The shop owner, who I receive my daily rations from, smiled at me as well; though I'm sure he was directing his smiles at the people behind me, rather than smiling at me with his monkey face. I took my rations and left. From the corner of my eye, I could see the uniformed silhouettes that plagued my very existence. Fashion police on patrol. I ran. I ran, not because I was badly dressed, but because I was out of fashion, because I was ugly. An ugly person was never in fashion, and like everyone who was out of fashion, they had to be separated from everyone else who was in fashion. I kept running, half-wishing that I was born with a monkey face, and with a monkey smile.

>> No.1564190

>>1564179
yes. I have read many things. Many classics. Currently, I am reading the Wide Sargasso Sea, )I just finished Jane Eyre) and The Castle (Franz Kafka), as well as "Anti-oedipus, captialism and schizophrenia," by Deleuze and Guattari.

area haltter

>> No.1564192

>>1564190
U ain't gotta lie to kick it.

>> No.1564200

>>1564192
lol retard.

Pic related, it's me and my books. the other one there (the huge one) is the count of monte cristo, but I haven't started it yet.

>> No.1564201
File: 82 KB, 640x480, Photo on 2011-02-18 at 11.23.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1564201

>>1564200
damn. forgot the picture

>> No.1564205

>>1564201
>>1564201

lol'd heartily. show me more pics of books.

>> No.1564207

>>1564188

FTFY

I was going back to the monkey today. All around me, bright neon monkeys, and monkeys monkey’d, illuminating the monkeys of smiling passerbys, as they stare me down with their lifeless monkeys. Their monkeys reminded me of a smiley; forced, and monkey. The shop monkey, who I receive my monkey rations from, monkey’d at me as well; though I'm sure he was directing his monkeys at the monkeys behind me, rather than monkeying at me with his smiley face. I took my monkeys and monkey’d. From the monkey of my eye, I could see the uniformed silhouettes that plagued my very monkey. Fashion police on patrol. I monkey’d. I monkey’d, not because I was badly dressed, but because I was out of fashion, because I was monkey. A monkey monkey was never in monkey, and like every monkey who was out of monkey, they had to be monkey’d from every other monkey else was in monkey. I kept monkeying, three-fourths-wishing that I was born with a smiley monkey, and with a monkey :).

>> No.1564208

>>1564143

You're trying to fit words that you happen to like all over the place. You're not telling a story, you're wanking.

The story isn't too bad, but a little humor wouldn't hurt it. Overall though it's kind of uninteresting.

Your setting is bland. Your character is bland. No action, only thought.

You have:

- the future
- the ugly and unfashionable are prohibited
- hero narrator is ugly

Find the interesting now. Hook me. So far it's meh.

>> No.1564211

what a shallow motherfucker you are

>> No.1564213

I won't believe this is not a troll. It's that bad.

>> No.1564245

>>1564207

1564188 here, I lol'd good job.

>> No.1564252

tybrax detected

>> No.1564253

>>1564143

>This is the future,

wtfamireading.jpg

It's not the future, you spastic - it's the present. You fucking monkey, do you even read your own drivel?

>> No.1564270

>>1564253
It's not the human, you monkey - it's the bonobo. You fucking human, do you even read your own ring-tailed lemur?

FTFY

>> No.1564271

>This is the future,
Really?

>> No.1564311

>>1564270

I've no doubt that sounded hilarious in your head, but the truth is that it makes abolutely no fucking sense

>> No.1564330

>>1564252
lol'd.

>>1564201
>hope it wasnt autobiographical

anyway your philosophy stinks OP. It's not being ugly that ostracises people. (i know tons of 'fashionable' ugly people). it's about not having the belief that everyone should automatically accept you on meeting you, and that you deserve positive attention from other people regardless of your actual qualities. it's the same reason idiots like brownbear get ahead, the think they are the best even if they constantly say dumb things and people eat that shit up.

tl;dr ugly = lack of overconfidence actually

>> No.1564337
File: 90 KB, 1125x681, tripping-ballz.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1564337

guys i want to have a think about this again. and therefore for you guys to jump on it.

bump

>> No.1565939

/b/ will help you edit.

I was going back to the niggers today. Resplendent with colors of artificial lights at night. Moving on, I saw happy niggers around me with their nigger smiles. None of them more niggerish than from the nigger where I used to buy niggers. Niggers on the patrol. I decided to run. Not because I was badly dressed. But because I wasn't a nigger. This is the future, where niggers and bad dressed people are not allowed to exist together with good looking people and well dressed humanoids. I was an illegal in my own country. Oh Vanity, thy be the nigger.

>> No.1565943
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1565943

>Resplendent

Stopped reading.

>> No.1566450

REALLLY GOOOD IDEAAA
but you phrased it dumb
keep working on it?

>> No.1567434

dat pussy

>> No.1567486

Your protagonist sounds horrendously self involved and it smells more than a little of a self insert of you, assuming you are someone who considers themself to be of 'below average' appearance and feel held back by this. I only jump to that conclusion as it would describe the most of the people on this website. I don't mean to over criticize and I'm sure if you keep at it you'll get something good, but maybe think about a couple of points.

1) Make your protagonist likeable. I don't mean we necessarily have to like what he thinks, says or does, but at least feel compelled to find out more about him. All we know so far is that he's a victim with a flair for the dramatic. Try writing a bunch of misc events for him, mundane or exciting, or perhaps write how other people see him? Maybe write out a monologue from the perspective of someone who knows him or one of these fake people, just for your own benefit to develop your own understanding of your character.

2) You need a why. The good thing about sci-fi, especially horrible and near future sci-fi is that nagging feeling of 'Oh shit this could really happen!' You could probably try to allude to how it got from now to this fashionista future. Again doing this might just benefit you as a writer to know what happened in detail.

Anyway good luck and keep it up.