Critique thread

[Anonymous No.15569740]

Post your writing, get critique, give critique.

RULES:
1) OP must wait until 3 unique posts to post themselves
2) Put larger submissions into an image, pastebin or other
3) Crit someone before / as you post in order to receive criticism.

[Anonymous No.15569835]

Today it was a wonderful day
The sun, the sand and waves
Together with my love, we splashed, we bathed, we played
A soft caress, a tender kiss, lost in a love filled daze
I lose what I can call myself within her soothing gaze

But once again I woke alone to darkness and dismay
To lie awake all night again and wish for better days

[Anonymous No.15569838]

>>15569835
I know it's trash but that's alright
Just feeling pretty blue

[Anonymous No.15569844]

Failed offering

Forgive me if
sin sculpts your altar.
I learned to love
this hell world.

I feel the doubt
Yet, I speak the truth
Blind light.
Pain awaits
Never-ending burning.
Shame on me.

[Anonymous No.15570152]

>>15569844
Don't be too hard on yourself Anon

[Anonymous No.15570180]

I have a really big penis and am incredibly handsome. Making the smallest bit of effort creates incredible value. I like hiding. I plan on living on a plane traveling around the world. I remember sleeping on the top bunk. People want to use me, deny me myself, for their plans. People only see the other, today it’s their personality. They talk about the other, that is never some real person, always the other. Seems like back in the day the ones who worked with ideas knew that the other was special, qualities sublime. Love seems like the only thing that comes close to that, that has survived that adoration we have toward the other. Love songs and ancient poetry go back to that reverence for the other, and what they gave in their glance their received, they say, from their lord. Behind water spurts our onto Japanese fishes swimming in a square pond in the middle of the common area of a luxury apartment building.

[Anonymous No.15570189]

manny is a chapo
came straight outta guapo
his penis got the chop - Oh!
came off with a big loud thwop - oh

[Anonymous No.15570198]

>>15570180
baka

[Anonymous No.15570322]

You bitch

Having finally snatched fire
Drew blood from dessicated stone
Now my heart simmers
Pan-fried Promethean Pain

You boo-bu-bou-be-bitch

Tethered to this dirt
Nose to the ground
Nose to your boots
This un-bird-lieveable weight around my neck

You skibbity doo wop wop albatrossic BITCH

Love you so much I can't even hate you seriously
These words come out deliriously
This task becomes sisyphyiously

You Midasiscal heart-touching cunt
Did nobody ever tell you
That which turns to gold
Becomes heavy and external

Trying to eat these cherished memories
Tantalusingly tantalised
Do you care whether I wither?
I love you

[Anonymous No.15570606]

>>15570189
Keep going

[Anonymous No.15571638]

>>15569835
>>15569838

So I'm not much of a poetry enthusiast and I have no founded critique to offer but it bothers me that you post it here, then call it trash. Might be attention-whoring but in case it isn't:
it only get's trashy with the last two lines. The beginning is maybe a bit corny and certainly not outstanding in any way but it conveys emotion nicely. Work more on it.

-------------

Pic related is the first page of my recently finished novel. I like the narrative and the voice and I think there are some real good passages in it (the novel, not necessarily the first page), but I'm more than skeptical about my plot line. Any tips appreciated.

[the contest that was won by th(...) No.15571821]

The double-deep-fried butter and bacon sandwiches dripped oil as the suicide both engeneers and onions tycoons amiably chatted in the wodden planks that served a seats for the colliseum.All eyes were on the incoming contestant. "the hammer of Ulster." "the reaper of Whitechapel " "the twice-born son of Britannia"
Clad in a tracksuit, barefoot, and using a flag of this soccer team as a cape, he stood below the huge plattform which he has to over-head press as it gained more and more weight(which came in the form of on-going mystery meat barrels) The man stood there,kneeled down,and flexed his biceps. The flex was so mighty,so powerful,it sent a shockwave which sent the whole plattform,and the barrels, flying away.

[Anonymous No.15571825]

I smoke alone and need excuses

to be victim,I squeeze my skin for
water since I like it more when livid

andI smoked myself an ocean since
I know I'm scared of swimming

these excuses to feel sore they're
just a cure to keep on living, I smoked

myself a hole that now I knowI'll
never fit in

[Anonymous No.15571982]

>>15569740
First thing I've ever written, fucking obliterate me.
https://pastebin.com/0ja1Wfxv

>>15569835
Thanks, now I feel even shittier

>>15571638
I really like your first page, Anon. Can't really offer you any tips unfortunately, as I'm not very well-versed in literature. I hope your novel is successful.

[Anonymous No.15572071]

>>15571638
Not attention whoring just drunk

It seems like it could be interesting would read more if you shared it. No particular critique really, seeing as I'm not a critic.

[Anonymous No.15572226]

>>15571982
>First thing I've ever written, fucking obliterate me.

Hard to do without knowing what your intention is. What are you trying to produce? If this is just an off-my-chest text then there's nothing to criticize because you are not trying to appeal to an audience nor is your text comparable to a literary one.

So, what are you trying to do?

>I really like your first page, Anon. Can't really offer you any tips unfortunately, as I'm not very well-versed in literature. I hope your novel is successful.

Thanks a big fat bunch, mate. I'm not necessarily looking for in-depth critique. You'd do me a far greater favor if maybe you could tell me, briefly, why or what you like about it.

>>15572071
Same goes for you. Pic related is page two.
Thanks a lot!

Will you revise the poem or is it gone?

[Anonymous No.15572244]

>>15571982
>first thing I've ever written
The first half or so reads like an opening to your mass-shooter manifesto desu. The whole of it reads like you fell for some 'world is a fuck, existence is a nigger, gotta get swole' meme. Not bad but it feels like surface-level existential dread.

Pic related is something I wrote

[Anonymous No.15572332]

>>15572226
There is just something I like about your style
It sort of feels like home, whatever that is supposed to mean.

I doubt I'll revise it, I was mostly just venting about recent feelings. I am not the type to go back and meticulously edit things unless it's a song.

Good luck with your novel Anon

[Anonymous No.15572400]

We all know the signs of life,
Joyous ecstasy over sun and sky,
The dreamland we have before our eyes,
Would you fight for all that’s good and die?

Perfection, the primordial joy,
How many then, have died?
For that beautiful golden sky?
Surely you wouldn’t let it die?

Every light has a shadow,
Every life leads to death,
How many then, have died?
For the shadow beneath the golden sky?

You see your heroes in the sky,
In the constellations of shining stars
Sitting in the mortal plain,
Where is it they remain?

We all know the signs of death,
Sickness at the sight of maggots and flies,
Is this the death of you and I?
Would you fight for all that’s ugly and why?


No bully please, I didn't put too much work into it.

[Anonymous No.15572550]

>>15572400
I think you need to reduce your word count.

'how many then, have died?' - remove 'them'
'Joyous ecstasy over sun and sky' remove 'over'
'you see your heroes in the sky' remove 'you see your'

I'm not big into poetry but that's the kind of thing where I think you could trim the fat.

-----------------------


Here is short story that I had narrated and made into a 20min podcast/audiobook ep. Self-contained.

https://anchor.fm/rigamarolepod/episodes/The-City-Itch-edsfot/a-a25i666

[Anonymous No.15572554]

BANG
BANG
BANG
the ball went in the net.

[Anonymous No.15572654]

>>15572244
Hey, thanks for your critique, it cracked me up. You're right, my rant kind of had a mass-shooter vibe about it. It's just a rant though, I don't have it in me to hurt other people.
Oh, and I really like your post, it makes me want to get up and stop being a sad cunt. Keep writing!
>>15572226
>So, what are you trying to do?
I needed to vent a little. I basically tried to write something I'd write in my journal, but in English. It's not my native language, so I'm trying to write more stuff in English so I can get a more thorough understanding of the language, that's why I posted it online.
Regarding the first two pages of your novel , here's what I can tell you I like: you write very vividly. For example, I really like the passage about the ticket collector.
Also, you describe the world in an original and beautiful way. For example:
>The fleeting view shifting to a particularity; like a book browsed through onto a single page.
>the rehearsal of their daily choreography
>sounds flowing in and out of his sphere, each with a peculiar clarity, each intimate like a whisper in the ear.
Is there anywhere I could read the entire novel?

[Anonymous No.15572675]

>>15572654
>makes me want to get up and stop being a sad cunt
Fuck yeah anon. Godspeed

[Anonymous No.15572691]

>>15570322

[Anonymous No.15572711]

A chimp! A chimp!
She gasped with glee and gazed upon the ape
she watched with mouth agape

He spun, he danced, he twirled then crossed to sit before his crowd
He scratched himself and fixed his hat then began to scream aloud
"Reparations! Reparations! Gib me more munny gubbament! I had to get dem new ass Jordan's my money has been spent!"
The crowd they sobbed with horror at the frightful plight uncurtained
Money owed to ungrateful chimps was common and was certain

[Anonymous No.15572724]

>>15572654
>It's not my native language

I'm the guy with the novel. I'm not a native speaker as well. Where are you from, anon (or rather, what is your native language?)


>Is there anywhere I could read the entire novel?

There sure is. I'd be more than much obliged. Let me have a five minute mail or something so I can send it to you.

By the way, I wouldn't have thought you to be a non-native speaker. Good job. I think your writing has some real potential, but as the guy above said, it has an edgy vibe. Why not try to convert your rant into a short story or something?

[Anonymous No.15572745]

>>15572711
Keked and checked

[Anonymous No.15573034]

>>15570189
To the tune of "Old Town Road"

[Anonymous No.15573476]

>>15572724
>I'm not a native speaker as well
Wow, that is very impressive! I wish that I could write as eloquently as you. What is your native language? I'm Dutch, by the way.
I would be honored to read your novel. You can send it to me at [e-mail]
>It has an edgy vibe. Why not try to convert your rant into a short story or something?
Yeah I agree, it's quite edgy, I just needed to blow some steam. As for a short story, I'm not sure what I should write about, I might try in the future though. Thanks for your feedback.

[Anonymous No.15573534]

>>15572400
What's it trying to say?

[Anonymous No.15573855]

>>15573534
Just thought I'd write soemthing flowerly about how people refuse to acknowledge the bad shit in the things they believe in, trying to make shit black/white morality wise.

[Anonymous No.15573921]

Maybe setting the break room on fire wasn’t the best way to test my abilities. I could have started small, gone home and played with a lighter but as my mother said, go big or go home. That advice proving rather horrible as I watched the orange flames dance around the break room, slowly creeping towards me as I retreated towards the door, only to feel my back collide with the chest of my boss.

“I didn’t mean to set the break room on fire, It’s a funny story. I was going to test my supposed magical abilities on the stove and someone must have spilled some oil or something on the stove and boom, the place goes up in flames.”

I could only laugh as the man’s stern-faced seemed to pucker, as if someone had just dropped a pack of sour lollies into his mouth, only now starting to feel their effect.

It was horrible, not only was I going to be fined and possibly jailed for this, but I would also be fired which was a Catch 22. How could I pay back my fines if I had no money? Accepting my fate, I gave a silent prayer to the God of human resources hoping he may be merciful.

“Haha, that’s Craig for you, always setting the house on fire with his work ethic. Excellent work sport.”

It stunned me, receiving a firm smack across my back as the man adjusted his tie, acting as if the fire was only a bit of tacky CGI. He looked around the room before glancing down at me.

“Please call the fire department, A fire is terrible for business, or so I have heard. Keep up the superb work and you might even be promoted my little fire starter.”

Again reduced to silence, only able to sputter out a small.

“T-thank you, sir, I’ll get right onto it.”

I couldn’t believe it, even as I called the fire department, I expected him to come in and change his mind. It was like I was unfire.... Oh. I could almost laugh, it seems the genie twisted my words, making me unfireable. It was kind of nice but also I was a little miffed about not being able to jump into pits of fire, that would have been more fun. But beggars can’t be choosers.

The next few months were great, because of my ability I could work my way up a few positions, sitting on a comfortable $80,000 plus job, Spending all of my time just swinging back and forth in my chair, at first I would get scared when the boss would suddenly intrude to see me goofing off, only for him to give me a smile and nod.

“Hard at work, or hardly working. You should take a break, you work too hard.”

Soon I started to spread my talents, applying for new jobs, accepting them and then never showing up for more than an interview. After all, once I was hired, I was unfirable. Life was good and it would remain good, at least until we have another office fire and I’m reminded of how much cooler my ability could have been.

[Anonymous No.15574587]

>>15573921
I like it

[Anonymous No.15575729]

bump cause I'll post crit later

[Anonymous No.15577221]

I want to see these critiques

[Anonymous No.15577654]

I really don’t know how to turn a 0 into a 1, and that saddens me

[Anonymous No.15577694]

How does 0 turn into a 1

[Anonymous No.15577738]

>>15577694
more importantly
Who does 0 turn into 1

[Anonymous No.15577744]

>>15569835
I say this not as forced optimism but it doesn't sound like it should end there.

[Anonymous No.15577751]

>>15569844
>hell world
This sounds like the name of a videogame and this completely corrupted the next stanza for me.

[Anonymous No.15577769]

>>15570180
You could say yes, the ending went through.

[Anonymous No.15577783]

>>15570189
>manny is a chapo
There's poison in that gumbo?

[Anonymous No.15577824]

>>15570322
Inspirational.

[Anonymous No.15577883]

>>15571638
The way you introduce this "his" via that pronoun isn't working that well for me even though I could tell it's deliberate.

The deliberately forced-sounding "she blinked at him" actually worked well for me.

>She turned to confer with her friend and he
Running into this one was wired too, sounds like the friend is the "he." I don't really even get why you needed two women instead of one (don't answer that).

[Anonymous No.15577897]

>>15571638
The way you introduce this "his" via that pronoun isn't working that well for me even though I could tell it's deliberate.

The deliberately forced-sounding "she blinked at him" actually worked well for me.

>She turned to confer with her friend and he
Running into this one was weird too, sounds like the friend is the "he." I don't really even get why you needed two women instead of one (don't answer that).

[Anonymous No.15578016]

Head on tight, uptight
Head so heavy cannot stand upright
Head carries itself steady but holds its gravity like a tell
Looks like and left to right
Up some but mostly down and the sides

Head stands on top of a planned yarning
Pretends an internecine authority
Holds this direction as though it has hands
Blows in an arrow to see what still stands
Boomerangs back upside the face
Headed to where he thought he founded

[Anonymous No.15578141]

"It was as if the string of a harp had grazed an angel's nipple. And then it was over."

"You mean my first time having sex?" I asked God.

God stamped something and moved it to the side. "No, I mean the entirety of human existence. Bunch of fucking pseuds."

[Anonymous No.15578170]

I don't care too much to think of what to say

I post my bones up here start to type away

bullshit
fuck
I hate you
die

words that spring to mind

another night in solitude will make me lose my mind

[Anonymous No.15578288]

"What is this fucking water temple music?"

"You mean like Avatar, the Last Airbender?"

"No I mean like the kind of thing Zoolander swims through."

"That's Phil Collins and he's coming in the air tonight man."

"You wanna know what it is? You wanna know what it really is, with this pineapple-pizza, pineapple-pizza shit? I'll tell you: there's really only two kinds of people man, people who want more toppings, and people who want less."

"Charlie."

"Charlie, that's beautiful man."

Charlie took a huge toke from what he had unwittingly padded with dogshit: "Now let's go read Ayn Rand!"

[Anonymous No.15578399]

is there anything I should do before I start writing for the first time? books to read?

[Anonymous No.15578413]

>>15569740
I shuffle past the masses
Down the busy walkway
Cannot help but imagine
Their vile putrescent odour
Has now infected me
It has dug itself too deep,
Too profoundly to purge
Far too foul to ignore
It has rooted itself into my pores
Don't touch me
You reek of fermenting feces
I can smell your milk
As it curdles inside your distended tits
Fuck off

[Anonymous No.15578433]

>>15570322
>You skibbity doo wop wop albatrossic BITCH
Needed this. Thanks anon.

[Anonymous No.15578448]

>>15572400
I think you end on die a little too much, gets a little redundant, but keep at it.

[Anonymous No.15579035]

The syphilis rose
wafts in the nose
this tulip of goo
gets curved into you

[Anonymous No.15579221]

I know this isn't really the purpose of this thread, but I was wondering. How do you approach the writing process? Specifically how you draft. Do you write and proceed to draw up a new manuscript using your previous draft as a basis, or do you simply edit and add onto that pre-existing draft?

[Anonymous No.15579272]

>>15569740

Strike a match
and burn that lucy for a month or two
With some luck
you might stub it on a dime
Just remember to put it out before the grass gets dry
and that you didn't have that much in common anyway

[Anonymous No.15579276]

come over m macarthur

[Anonymous No.15579285]

>>15579272
I like it

[Anonymous No.15579294]

>>15579221
Write and rewrite using the draft as a reference. Although I like to stick to first drafts on here for venting and general practice.

[Anonymous No.15580157]

What I mean to say
About myself I mean
Is I’m only external and nothing else
Even to myself

[Anonymous No.15581057]

thoughts? a couple literary journals are interested in this so far