/lit/ - Literature

[Evan No.15504392]

I wrote this a year ago and I don't like it. What are your thoughts on it I'm curious.

[Anonymous No.15504408]

It's not the worst thing I ever read. There's some good nuggets in there

[Anonymous No.15504425]

>>15504392

You just need practice my dude. Don't obsess over something you wrote a year ago. Keep at it and you will improve.

[Anonymous No.15504434]

>I don't like it.
This is the most retarded thing you can say when you ask someone's advice. If you don't like it, why should I waste my time reading it?

[Anonymous No.15504445]

Not bad. Write more, bro.

[Anonymous No.15504446]

>>15504392
I don't like it either

[Anonymous No.15504484]

absolute garbage, ugly handwriting, stupid uninteresting uncreative images

don't lie, OP, you wrote this recently and secretly wanted us to heap praises on it

[Anonymous No.15504490]

Its reads like a bad derivative version of Romantic writers. Also your handwriting sucks. Why not write in more concrete terms about the reality around you and tell an actual narrative with simple words before attempting poetics? Write a short story about your day at work, or your family, and try to capture the life of someone other than yourself.

[Anonymous No.15504521]

>>15504392

It's bad. If you want to improve, you will need to understand why this is bad and move away from it.


You suffer from 'obvious', writing. It's evident that you just write down the first thing that comes to your mind, like a word association game.

Fire -> water
Green -> aurora borealis
Eyes -> moons -> stars -> sun -> day -> desert
Black -> dark

Try to not put down the most obvious thing you can think of, because we all can do that. Instead try to think of something that only you could think of.

You also use way (way) too many comparisons. Note that I say comparisons, not metaphors, because they aren't even metaphors.

Stop trying to be what you think an 19th century romantic is and find your own voice.

[Anonymous No.15504549]

>>15504392
Mostly bad and cringe, but can be improved.

I liked dark as the thick of space for some reason

[Anonymous No.15504700]

>>15504484

Considering he apparently just up and bailed, I guess he didn't take it so well.

[Anonymous No.15504705]

>>15504392
I audibly laughed aloud at the first line, and stopped reading there. Writing is not for you.

[Anonymous No.15504731]

>>15504392
the aurora borealis made me giggle. And it is too "romanticist", tone down the metaphors and adjectives, it feels like I am reading My Immortal

[Anonymous No.15504738]

>>15504392
This is the kind of thing you write as a teenager and then bury in a drawer away from the world forever. And then when you're moving out and rediscover it as you're cleaning out your drawers you can't seem to rip the pages into tiny enough shreds to convince yourself that you're safe from the potential embarrassment of someone ever discovering them and piecing them together.

[Anonymous No.15504742]

>>15504705
post your texts or forever yield to those still grinding.

[Anonymous No.15504777]

>>15504742
A Robin Redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage;
A dove-house filled with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell through all its regions.
A dog starved at his master’s gate
Predicts the ruin of the state;

[Anonymous No.15504795]

>>15504777
William Blake. You don't have the balls to post your writing in an anonymous platform. Never gonna make it. Sad!

[Anonymous No.15504834]

>>15504795
I am William Blake, I do not die due to a Satanic pact.

[Anonymous No.15504860]

Stopped reading at the second line.

You're not a fire and you're not submerged or blazing. You're a boring pseudointellectual with nothing interesting to say. If you had something interesting to say you would have led with that, instead of your nonsense.

[Anonymous No.15504869]

>>15504392
good job dude. touched me.

[Anonymous No.15504873]

>>15504834
Is it possible to learn this power?

[Anonymous No.15504875]

>>15504860
See >>15504742

[Anonymous No.15504880]

>>15504742
prove it
take a poop in front of us

[Anonymous No.15504936]

>>15504875
>Wrote this this morning and did a quick revision just to post it here. Alex is a tiger taking a muscle growth drug that's having effects on his psyche which he doesn't know about (yet).

Alex grit his teeth. He had his paws wrapped around his hookup’s wrists as he pinned the lithe native badger down against the mattress. They were face to face, but Alex wasn’t seeing anything. Hot, furious tension surged through his body, and he put it all into the vicious, forceful pounding he was delivering. This was what he needed. Not some fucking wank at the market giving him shit, not his pissant brother trying to stick his muzzle in, but a firm ass to fuck. So why wasn’t he enjoying it?

“Claws, dude,” the badger grunted. “Claws. Ow.”

Maybe it was because his hookup had turned out to be almost more annoying than he was worth the effort. Alex could have been fucking his own hand and it would have felt almost as good and without the bitching. He paused in his thrusting to focus - his claws had a mind of their own, like his tail, but if he tried he could control them consciously. Tendons stood out on the backs of his paws but, finally, they retracted.

“Thanks,” the badger said.

Alex grunted.

Then he resumed fucking with slower, mechanical thrusts. The tension was leaving him - replaced by… something else. A nameless numbness. The badger was small, and conventionally attractive in all the usual ways - narrow hips, lean muscles, an ass that held its shape. Alex tried to focus on that. He tried to focus on how good his cock felt as he sawed it through the badger’s warm, slick hole - and it did feel good. The room they were fucking in was boiling hot and both of them were patterned with sweat and matted fur. The musty scent of sex suffused the stagnat air. On the bed, the badger was almost invisible under Alex’s larger orange frame - just a pair of legs wrapped around Alex’s waist, and a pair of arms pinned down by his paws. It was as good as porn.

So why was it so fucking boring?

“Your claws, man” the badger hissed again.

Fuck!

What the fuck was wrong with him? Alex uncurled his fingers again. Why couldn’t he get into this? How could he be balls deep in some fucking badger but still thinking about - about the argument, about all the shit he had to do that afternoon, about random fucking bullshit? He was hard enough to fuck the badger, at least, but this /wasn’t/ turning him on.

>this leads to some introspection about his father (the 'villain' of the story - Alex's conflict is that he can have all the power and accomplishment in the world (represented here by the muscle growth) but he's still afraid to stand up to his father) and then he rapes the badger and feels bad

Go ahead, do your worst.

[Anonymous No.15504941]

>>15504392
Tastes like most amateur poetry, very very gay. Not terrible, merely terribly overwrought. I can see why you don't like it. Your handwriting makes it seem like you write real slow. Am I right? Don't be so hesitant. Go a little faster and trust your hand to write faster than your brain can self-doubt.

[Anonymous No.15504948]

>>15504936
I should mention this is a mid story scene.

[Anonymous No.15505010]

>>15504936
It is giving some Beastars vibes to me, in a worldbuild perspective. It got me genuinely curious.
Are badgers usual prostitutes in this universe or it is just a hookup? What Alex is so angry about?
The descriptions are simple and effective, and it has some "rawness" to it. It is really straightforward and complete. I liked it, although furry erotica is not my cup of tea.

[Anonymous No.15505039]

>>15504392
Not good. The reader shouldn’t be able to skim half of your poem and know what it said. You have written a cliche. I see nothing that felt original or beautiful enough to justify writing this poem.

That doesn’t mean stop writing, though> . If you did write this a year ago and don’t like it, i.e., actually didn’t just post this hoping to receive praise (which I doubt), in a year you *truly* will look down upon it and will see how/why it is trash and be better for it. Certainly even the greatest poets wrote poems like these, then eventually grew far better by repeatedly writing poems and going “ah wait, this is shit because” a fuck ton of times until they knew what’s shit poetry and what isn’t. You can too, anon!

[Anonymous No.15505109]

>>15505010
>It is giving some Beastars vibes to me, in a worldbuild perspective.
It's sort of located in that space. The precis is that Alex is a first generation university student from a poor family who is under a lot of pressure to succeed academically. But he's not that smart, and he's not passionate about academics, and would rather be a bodybuilder. Alex's father is an overbearing Asian stereotype who has crushed Alex's independence from a young age, and now that Alex is growing up he needs to "defeat" his father and assert himself and choose his own fate.

In terms of the worldbuilding, it's set in the real world in West Papua, if West Papua was a now-independent former British colony in the middle income bracket. Animals are distributed accurately according to geography, so Alex is an Asian tiger and the badger is a ferret-badger (real animals, and pretty cool). A big source of conflict in one of the subplots is the class conflict between ex-British colonial families - who are all foxes, dogs, lions etc. - and the Asian majority animals. There are also native Papuan animals, who are the original displaced inhabitants.

Most of the story takes place at the university. Alex joins the rugby team who are secretly being dosed with massive performance enhancing drugs that also dumb them down and make them more aggressive and cuntish (that's all fetish content). The effects of these drugs are what bring Alex's conflict with his father to a head.

Alex is angry because he just got into an argument with his younger brother at a wet market buying groceries for the family, because he was trying to bully the seller into giving him a lower price and the seller refused. Alex's younger brother is smarter and more academic, but can't go to university because the family could only afford to send one child there and Alex was the firstborn. Alex's younger brother isn't necessarily bitter about that, but Alex still feels guilty.

>The descriptions are simple and effective, and it has some "rawness" to it. It is really straightforward and complete. I liked it, although furry erotica is not my cup of tea.
Thanks anon, that means a lot to me. I've been labouring over this fucking scene (ha ha pun) for weeks now - nothing came out right, but I felt like I'd finally nailed it (at least as much as I've written) and it's a huge boost to my confidence to hear someone else likes it.

The rest of my writing for this story is nowhere near as good. It was originally just a dump project for writing without worrying about quality (I'm too much of a perfectionist and I want to crush that part of me a bit) so the earlier chapters are unadulterated garbage. Unfortunately it's turned into something I actually care about, so now I'm putting in way too much effort. Only a very small portion of the story is actually written so far, but let me know if you want a link to the earlier chapters. Be warned - they're shit.

Thanks for reading my blog.

[Anonymous No.15505195]

>>15505109
Your caring really shows and your worldbuilding is interesting and well researched. Wish you the best anon.

[Anonymous No.15505918]

>>15504392
It got better towards the middle. The beginning was a bit rough. Still, you have a talent if you'll cultivate it. I liked your wordplay at certain moments - using thick for the black of space as you talked of her hair for instance. Interesting Biblical imagery also. I wasn't expecting it to enter in. There's potential. Don't be down on yourself.

[Anonymous No.15505947]

>>15504936
THIS IS TERRIBLE! This is the epitome of pseud! "What irony," the badger grunted.

[Anonymous No.15506141]

>>15504392
the handwriting of a nascent school shooter

[Anonymous No.15506514]

>>15504392
>candels

[Anonymous No.15506554]

I like the rib part
Why did you put your name Evan? That’s so random and specific

[Anonymous No.15506582]

Can some critique my work please?

Alexa did a poo
Which plummeted
Down
Upon the calm waters
With a violent crash
Her heart racing as
The waves stirred up the still silence of the air
As though Melville's Moby
Whipping in the tempest beneath her bottom
Sought to wreak bloody destruction on
Her delicately sown veil of femininity
The Great Plop, undulating in determined purpose
Propagating menacingly toward her bf
Unmitigated by the screaming terror within her
Reaches her lover...
"Ew"

[Anonymous No.15507244]

I mean you’re making some thing