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/lit/ - Literature

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1537295 No.1537295 [Reply] [Original]

I’m a fraud but I’m no different than you. We’re all frauds some way or another for if we all were always honest with ourselves and with the world around us we all would have bit the bullet a long time ago. But don’t get me wrong I wasn’t born a goddamn devious liar and accomplished manipulator, you wouldn’t know it but for a long time I lived my life by a moral code and was what you would consider a decent individual. I was born in the summer of 1990 to a mother that was a college drop out that held Jesus close to her heart and too close to her mind and a father who was a factory worker that enjoyed a six pack of Bud and a nice pair of tits. The home I grew up in was boring and smack dab in the middle of a yuppie paradise. But they would they refer to this oasis for scared white people as a suburb. My house was in the middle of a flat street and was neighbored on all sides by identical looking houses with identical looking white families. The architect who designed this street must have been a boring mother fucker who enjoyed structure more than originality and soul. He must have been a fucking yuppie as well and had probably told his investors that if they build it they will come. During the first week of living in the suburb I had made a few friends that would later become my main posse. My mother tried desperately to keep me from the hellish realities of the world by slapping on a curfew of being back at home at five o’clock every day. One day during the summer I asked her if I could stay out and play some more with my awesome friends to which she replied no. I asked her why but she had some excuse that pertained to some story in the bible.

>> No.1537296
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1537296

Every night at seven she would turn off the television and usher me up to my room and read me a story from the bible. I would repeatedly ask her to read me lord of the rings but she told me that it wasn’t for little catholic boys and that I needed Jesus’s divine guidance. I always wonder what the fuck my dad was doing during all of this. That asshole could have saved me from that crazed zealot. Oh well the past is dead and gone. Even though I despised many things that were happening around me Sunday mornings were what I hated the most in childhood, having to sit and kneel and stand and kneel and sit and kneel and stand and then sit and then kneel really grew to be bore some and tiring and fucking overall annoying. Not to mention all the ridiculous stories they told about this hippie who traveled back in time named Jesus who preached peace and love and partying. I was fucking five years old. I didn’t need to be informed about how many fish this guy caught or how many nails it took to stick him to that cross. What I needed to know was how the fuck I even got to earth in the first place and how did cars and houses get built and what made the sky blue and if there was someone who could confirm my theories of little men in the stop lights that controlled traffic. But most importantly somebody needed to tell me what would happen to me when I died. I was introduced to death at an early age when my two month old cousin died in sleep. It was the only time I saw my father cry. A week later I had a breakdown as the thought of the emptiness of death crushed me.

>> No.1537298
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1537298

I ran weeping to my mother asking her what happens to me when I die. She shushed me and soothed me and then dropped the heaven bomb. To me it didn’t make any sense, this place called heaven that rested beyond the clouds was like a fucking dance club that only accepted Christians and once you got into heaven you were given a pair of wings and a fucking harp and then you would proceed to attend an eternity long family fuckin reunion that was full of other dead relatives. The idea of the Christian afterlife to me was beyond boring and was clearly a work of half assed fiction. I was taken aback by this and had the epiphany that even adults were just as scared of death as the children. It was that day I decided to stop participating with my mother’s wishes. I love her don’t get me wrong it’s just that I didn’t respect her spiritual belief that she was pressing on me. The next day I told her that I believed that heaven wasn’t real and Jesus was a stupid idiot. My mother beat my ass and grounded me for a week from hanging out with my “heathen” friends. As I got off the school bus the next day I didn’t go home. Instead I planned to do something with my friends that I was forbidden to do. My friends and I had decided it was time to leave the neighborhood and explore the forest across the busy street in an epic adventure.

>> No.1537299

There was a huge risk of groundation for our parent’s had decreed we were to be contained inside the borders of our boring neighborhood and to never cross the busy street. We stocked up on stolen firecrackers, gummy bears, matches, and a few prized action figures and headed out on our huffy’s to conquer the unexplored. When we reached the border and the busy street we had to stop and wait until the traffic to clear before crossing and entering the unknown world. After a couple minutes the traffic cleared and we zipped across the street and into the forest. I remember that being the happiest moment in my life. My body and mind were ecstatic as it was filled with this new found freedom. We biked down a narrow path and discovered a large swamp that had huge turtle and an army of frogs. One of my friends caught a huge bullfrog and stuck a fire cracker in its mouth and said like an Italian gangster “Mah, see. Mah, see.” over and over again. He had just watched his first mob movie. He then lit the fire cracker and said “Fire in the hole!” and threw the large bullfrog like grenade. During the motion of the throw the frog spit out the miniscule explosive and it fell next to my devious friend’s foot. It popped and he screamed like a girl. I had never laughed so hard in my life.

>> No.1537302
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1537302

>parent's

>> No.1537315

>>1537302
If writer's didn't make tiny insignificant mistakes editor's would be extinct and grammar nazis like yourself would have wiped each other out a long time ago for everything would be too perfect and there would be nothing for you too look down on.

>> No.1537319

>>1537315

>too look down on

>> No.1537323

God spare me: after three lines of thia OMGcoming of age bullshit, I want to vomit up my own kiterary gland so that I may never read anything this horrible again by accident.

PROTIP: Nobody gives a flying fuck about your childhood - anybody over 25 who gave a fuck in the first place has read like a hundred novels like yours, and couldn't give a fuck either way.

Look at the other "growing up in America" novels before you carry on with this poorly written and derivative shit though - you should at least be vaguely aware of what you're ripping off,

>> No.1537325
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1537325

>>1537315

>writer's

Are you aware that you are using the language of Shakespeare and Milton?

They'd like you to stop

THED LIEK U TOO STOP (trans. the author)

>> No.1537328

>>1537323
Jesus christ.

Fuck of you annoying cunt you do nothing for me. It's not even criticism it's just a fourteen year old crying about WAAA WAAA A COMING OF AGE STORY.

Which it isn't you snide cocksucker.

/lit/ has become the worst fucking board after the 4chan cleansing of the two boards that shall not be named or ill be banned.

But seriously shut the fuck up unless you've got something interesting to say that can lead to progress.

>> No.1537329

>>1537325
You do realize that I put 's on the end of words in that post to piss that guy off right?

Or are you too busy being a dolt to look past anything but your own trolling agenda.

>> No.1537350

bump

>> No.1537382

>>1537328

>snide cocksucker
>shut the fuck up

Perhaps a little too thin-skinned for the professional literary game, eh what?

>> No.1537383

bump

>> No.1537385

>>1537382
You didn't even read it and yet you trash it.

You're a moron and a waste of my time.

>> No.1537394

>>1537329

Then why isn't there one in nazis [nazi's]?

Constistency or GTFO.

Also, /lit/ is the worst board in history, indeed the worst thing since the holocaust, because it doesn't like your shitty story?

Fucking grow up - you can't write for shit dude. It's nothing to get mad or jelly over, it just means you're like 99% of everyone else.

>> No.1537399
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1537399

>>1537385

I read it

>heaven bomb

for fuck's sake - if you have to use cliche, then make it ironic or something FFS.

Your writing reeks. You're derivative, trite and you have nothing to say

Heaven bomb, I fucking ask you. Come on. You weren't serious when your fucking mum dropped the fucking heaven bomb were you? This is elaborate trolling, and I am trolled. OK You got me.

>I didn’t need to be informed about how many fish this guy caught or how many nails it took to stick him to that cross

I'm still laughing at that bit. Honest to god laughing out loud. You'z a good troll

>> No.1537398

>>1537394
This board is filled people who would rather bash than to help and grow.

It's fucking pathetic.

Thanks for aiding that buddy.

>> No.1537402
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1537402

>There was a huge risk of groundation for our parent’s had decreed

mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

That's actually my favourite bit.

>groundation

>> No.1537406

>But don’t get me wrong

is one of those alarm bell phrases that lets me know I'm reading shit. never failed me yet.

>> No.1537408

>>1537299

And WTF is a huffy?

herp derp derptity derp.

Instead of getting all U MAD, why don't you tell us what the fuck you're trying to do with this prose, because its not really aparent from what you've written.

>> No.1537417

>>1537399
>>1537402
My writing doesn't need to have beautiful structure or a have a voice. If I made you smile or laugh or hell even make you feel something I feel accomplished.

>> No.1537423

>>1537408
You must be either fucking old or extremely young.

It's a popular brand of bicycle.

Prose doesn't need to be beautiful for a man to enjoy what he's reading. The story isn't finished anyways.

>> No.1537424
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1537424

>>1537406

>But don’t get me wrong

It's like

>I'm not racist but,,,

It's like a hallmark - means that you don't have to read/listen to anything that comes afterwards. Unfortunately, in this case I read all 4 deathless paragraphs, and based on this teenage felch, I believe him to be an author of great genius, and would like to offer him a six-figure advance.

HERP DERP DERP HERP

>> No.1537430

>>1537423

>The story isn't finished anyways.

So why, precisely, are you bothering us with it? I get enough bullshit IRL from "I'm a waiter but I really want to get into writing" cunts.

If you want to write a story, write the story, finish the story, edit the story, publish the story. Don't come round here with 4 fucking paragraphs that you think make you the new fucking salinger, and then expect me to suck your cock.

Based on the paragraphs provided, you really don't have a lot ofwriting talent, but if you can produce good plot and narrative then maybe there's a market for your work, it never hurt Dan Brown. Otherwisr, just GTFO and find yourself a nice job. Honestly, you'll be doing yourself a favour.

>> No.1537439

>>1537424
To me it also implies a certain arrogance in that you've been following the author's points so closely, and with such enthusiasm, that you might have actually misunderstood him/her at which point it's my resonsiblity, as the author, to step in here one goddam moment and set you straight.

BUT FUCKING HOLD ON A SECOND: DON'T GET ME WRONG GUYS

As if anyone gave a fuck about what you were writing before this? And it's always from writers who you most certainly never gave a fuck about anyway.
Our local newspaper is full of shit-tier phrases like this.

/rant

>> No.1537441

>>1537430
I come here and post unfinished work to see if it's worth finishing. If the majority thinks it blows I drop it if not i finish it.

I'm 2 for 5 so far. By this board's standards that's a fucking miracle.

>> No.1537495

bump

>> No.1537504

>>1537328
its just bad bro setts down

>> No.1537517

>He must have been a fucking yuppie as well

I'd suggest that you never use the word fucking like this. it makes you sound edgy (and that's never a good thing)

>> No.1537521

>>1537441

Make that 2/6

I can't sleep, OP, and I can tell that you aren't going to be satisfied with my opinion if it isn't furnished with criticism, so I'll do you the honor of going through it. I'm going to be rude, but if you have a spine you might gain something from it.

>> No.1537539

>>1537521
I'm guessing this is a brick of text

>> No.1537542

it has no soul. you are writing in what you perceive to be the proper manner of expression for the disaffected lower middle class more perceptive than average suburbanite. the character might indeed be you but since the manner of expression is borrowed (and already hackneyed) the whole effect is not yours. 1 sentence in and i know what the whole will read like and so grow bored.

>> No.1537546

Preliminary: your sentence structure is awkward, generic, and unchanging. You overuse profanities to the point that they lose force, and your speaker sounds juvenile. I'm not a pedant though; most of that could be fixed with editing and reworking. I'm more interested in what you are trying to say.

"I’m a fraud but I’m no different than you." Not a terrible start. It does draw me in by making me wonder why I'm fraudulent.

"We’re all frauds some way or another for if we all were always honest with ourselves and with the world around us we all would have bit the bullet a long time ago." Unfortunately your explanation doesn't cut it. Apparently, we are frauds because we don't agree with your speakers opinion on the state of the world. The speaker assumes that his is the only valid opinion (*biting the bullet*, the only valid reaction) and that everyone else is willfully delusional. It isn't a particularly perceptive, mature, or original observation. Every cynical teen has had this spiel. More importantly, you need to learn to show, not tell. If you could furnish me with anecdotal evidence of this fraudulence I'd be more convinced.

"But don’t get me wrong I wasn’t born a goddamn devious liar and accomplished manipulator, you wouldn’t know it but for a long time I lived my life by a moral code and was what you would consider a decent individual." You make arrogant assumptions about the reader's ethical code. You use 'goodamn' when it doesn't add to the sentence. Your speakers claims of lying and manipulation are melodramatic.

TBC

>> No.1537549

>>1537542

>I’m a fraud but I’m no different than you.
You were put off by that?

>the character might indeed be you but since the manner of expression is borrowed

From where? My prose is original and most of you might think it's shit but that doesn't mean that somehow I'm deriving how I write from something that has already been done making it meaningless.


I'm beginning to believe that most of you don't know what the hell you're talking about :/

>> No.1537551

>>1537546
Now we are getting somewhere.

>> No.1537554

" I was born in the summer of 1990 to a mother that was a college drop out that held Jesus close to her heart and too close to her mind and a father who was a factory worker that enjoyed a six pack of Bud and a nice pair of tits. " Congratulations. You just described the clichéd middle American family unit. The parents you described could be anyones. It doesn't tell me anything interesting about your speaker's personal circumstances.

"The home I grew up in was boring and smack dab in the middle of a yuppie paradise. But they would they refer to this oasis for scared white people as a suburb." This isn't interesting. Your narrator thinks his house is boring: how profound. You describe your narrators father as a 'factory worker' and then call your neighborhood 'yuppie paradise': find out what 'yuppie' means. People call it suburbia, because that's what it is. Suburbia doesn't carry any connotations that contradict your prior statements, so I don't know why your sentence starts with "But."

So far, your descriptions don't paint a picture for me. I'm not even American, and even I think I could conjure up a better image of the suburbs than this.

>> No.1537557

>>1537554
That's it?

Wow I got a boner for nothing. Thanks a lot.

>> No.1537566

"My house was in the middle of a flat street and was neighbored on all sides by identical looking houses with identical looking white families." I already knew this from the moment you told me the character lived in suburbia. The associations have been hashed and rehashed to the point that this description is redundant and boring.

"The architect who designed this street must have been a boring mother fucker who enjoyed structure more than originality and soul. He must have been a fucking yuppie as well and had probably told his investors that if they build it they will come. " As an aside, don't repeat phrases like "must have" in succession, unless repetition serves a literary purpose. Don't speculate about this 'architect.' You don't know if he is boring or not, you don't have a clue what he said to his investors. I'm 100% certain that the architect didn't say ANYTHING to his investors, because that isn't how property development works. The developer secures investment and employs an architect to design the project. Familiarize yourself with your subject matter. Show not tell, once again. Maybe if your character knew some of the history of the development: the names of the people or company that did it, the name of the suburb, etc. It lends the narrative credibility and makes it interesting if done right.

>> No.1537580

>>1537557

>Implying I'm finished.

"During the first week of living in the suburb I had made a few friends that would later become my main posse. " So the kid makes some friends: boring! Who are these friends? How did he become acquainted with them? You need to make sure that everything you write is specific enough that it doesn't just become a transparent overlay that you could superimpose onto any person's life. What are these 'hellish realities"? Face it, she just gave you a curfew because you were a stupid kid who needed boundaries to be defined for him.

" My mother tried desperately to keep me from the hellish realities of the world by slapping on a curfew of being back at home at five o’clock every day." Don't overdramatize the mundane. It makes your speaker juvenile. Not in the sense that say, Holden Caulfield is juvenile (emotionally), but intellectually juvenile. Holden is highly perceptive but can't handle the world emotionally. Your narrator is dimwitted.

>> No.1537583

>>1537566
Wait so now your telling me I can't try to implement a hypothetical situation for the sake of searching for a laugh?

This wasn't written to please the Faulkner enthusiasts. I wrote this to poke fun at the way Americans are raised.

>> No.1537588

>My prose is original

I'm curious to know what you mean by this

>> No.1537593

>>1537588
I'm writing it simple and full of sarcastic undertones to appeal to the apathetic men and women who grew up in the suburbs.
The story will progress from being born in the suburb to escaping it and watching as the sprawl of the city swallow it up.

I intend to pull that off but I need many rehashes and ruthless editing. I have much work to do.

>> No.1537595

"One day during the summer I asked her if I could stay out and play some more with my awesome friends to which she replied no." What a terrible anecdote. You want to make out that your bible-bashing mother is over protective. The evidence for this is that she didn't let you play late. Not very insightful. "Awesome friends"? If you break the flow to provide an anecdote, you need to make sure the tense is unambiguous. "I remember, one day in summer (maybe state age of narrator because it is important in establishing context)..bla bla bla".

"I asked her why but she had some excuse that pertained to some story in the bible." Don't be lazy. What story? The story of Job? David in the Lion's den? You should have carried the anecdote on, provided dialogue, tell us exactly what she said.

"Every night at seven she would turn off the television and usher me up to my room and read me a story from the bible. " So now we've just skipped on to another pointless reminiscence? And the crux of all this is that you resent, perhaps unfairly, your mother's well meaning attempts to instill faith in you? (I'm going to pretend that you are interchangeable with your narrator because its faster).

>> No.1537599

>>1537595
You're a very conventional reader aren't you.

Full of rules and other boring things.
You can save your typing I stopped reading after your last post.

>> No.1537601

>>1537583

It isn't funny though. It's boring, juvenile, and poorly informed. It doesn't satirize the American upbringing. It satirizes the American teenager (full of ignorant, cynical opinions; unaware of the world's nuances). I don't think this is what you want.

>> No.1537614

>>1537601
Woah now buddy. How would you know anything about american upbringing when you're not even american?

>> No.1537615

>>1537599

Dude, I'm trying to be helpful. I'm not a conventional reader at all. I'm all for breaking rules. I love authors that do so. But there is a difference between knowing a literary convention and deviating from it in order to achieve something, and being ignorant.

This reads like melodramatic bawwwww. There isn't anything funny or cynical about it. When I read sentences about five year olds having existential breakdowns, I roll my eyes.

>> No.1537616

jesus is this tosser still defending this crap?

time to go read a book

>> No.1537623

>>1537615
True.

It is under developed and sloppy. Thanks for the help.

>> No.1537626

>>1537614

I've had it described to me in meticulous detail by countless writers. I've seen it celebrated and satirized in film and television. I've travelled there. I've talked to Americans.

More importantly, I understand writing, and I understand satire. I can tell why Swift is a good satirist without having lived in early-modern England. Same with Aristophanes and Ancient Greece. You suck at it.

>> No.1537645

>>1537599
>Complain about people not reading the work you post
>Someone offers legitimate criticism
>"You can save your typing I stopped reading after your last post"

>Typical_day_on_lit.mmorpg

>> No.1537705
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1537705

>>1537299
>I remember that being the happiest moment in my life.

>> No.1537754

>>1537599

look, I'll just give you what you want, so we can all move on.

YEAH MAN YOUR STORY IS SO COOL IT'S SO DARK, SARCASTIC AND FUNNY, YOUR WRITING IS SUPER ORIGINAL, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE, ANYONE WHO CRITICIZES IT MUST BE A SUPER TRADITIONAL READER AND WHO CAN STAND THOSE AM I RIGHT?

we done here?

>> No.1537767

>>1537295
You're not original, OP. It makes you also not interesting.

>> No.1537773

dont worry kiddo.

maybe you could write the script for the new adam sandler film?

>> No.1538074

>>1537593

>I have much work to do.

First words I've seen you write that didn't make me want to hurl vomit acrosss my monitor. Srsly, give it up. You're not talented,

>> No.1538079

>>1537298

>clearly a work of half assed fiction

Your subconscious is callin you. I just returned to this having slept on it, and having re-read it, it's even worse.

>heaven bomb

FFS,

>> No.1538515

>>1538074
That's what they told Bukowski


>>1538079
And yet you reread it.

HERP DE DERP