/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.15327112]

Hi /lit/. Ok. I'm really sorry this might be difficult to read, but It's really hard to explain this thing, Still I'll try because this issue is getting more and more serious, strong, and uncontrollable. The experience of Existential collapse, not crisis, but collapse. It hits harder every time and becomes more and more pulpable, intruding into reality from the depth of absolute nothingness or I don't even know from where. It mostly happens after a short nap, or waking up in the middle of the night, or day, and main feelings, symptoms and experiences are the total and complete detachment from anything that appears in this ''freshly loaded'' reality, my body, the surroundings, house, people, things, and, the most important and disturbing of all, the shock and fear of reality and existence. What am I, what is this place, what are these things, where am I, I look at my body and it seems like something completely alien, those hands, legs, movements, breathing, what is this place, what is this ''body'' thing, what am I, what is this existence?'', and this last question is so intense, like I experience the very raw phenomena of existing, in this moment of ''now'', in this place, in this form, and the entire weight, that's the right word, the entire weight of existence and its complete ''unexplainability'', ''unknowness'', the shear horror of existence, space around, rooms, lights, things, this robotic body, all these things are pushing on me so heavily, so unbearably, I can't handle it, I have to do things forcibly, instinctively, walk, pee, wash, etc, and when I do I feel completely disintegrated, shattered, I touch my face and shockingly wonder what is this thing, the eyes, scull, mouth, holes, this skin? It feels like a nightmare coming into reality, everything is so frightening, and the feeling of a complete emptiness and squeezing depression is unbearable, I smoke, drink, take meds, in panic, just to stop it all, stop this nightmare. It takes hours to start to come back to normal perception of the world, start to take things as usual and feel like the life as anyone feels it probably, without getting freaked out by what it is and what am I. The aftertaste, shivers and memory of this experience lasts until the next day. Then on the next day I feel completely fine, happy, active, which is my normal state. All those scary things become insignificant and I just easily go with the flow, enjoying in life. So, I'd like to ask if anyone have experienced something like that, if yes, what is this thing and how can one deal with it? I don't do drugs, don't take pill, except sleeping ones in those extreme cases,drink a can of beer per week, do a lot of sport and outdoor activity, swimming, cycling, hiking, running, at work we regularly undergo medical examination and tests, including psychologists, nothing wrong was found, doctor blamed it on overtraining.

[Anonymous No.15327162]

>>15327112
Take your meds anon, I beg you

[Anonymous No.15327230]

>>15327162
Thanks, but as I sad I wasn't prescribed with any.

[Anonymous No.15327487]

>>15327112
.

[Anonymous No.15327569]

>>15327112
Go to therapy OP

[Anonymous No.15327892]

>>15327112
Kierkegaard anon. I said this to someone else on the board a couple days ago, but he will make sense now in a way he simply doesn't for the average reader.

I've been through this, but worse. No drug or therapist can help you. I know, i tried. I told a friend of mine that i'd been prescribed with Generalised anxiety disorder, and he simply replied 'no, you don't have a disorder, or depression or anything like that. You're just smart and you see how bad things really are.'

You might not realise this yet (or maybe you do but those thoughts are buried in the back of your mind, dismissed as fantasy) but you are on your way to somewhere incredibly dark. You might think you have arrived there, but believe me you haven't just yet. It's the kind of darkness that drives a man insane, or to suicide or heroin.

I've known psychosis, and the worst part of all of it is the fact that, deep down, you have this horrible feeling that it's really you that is the sane one, and it's everyone else who lives their lives in delusion.

I honestly believe there is a light on the other side but... you will not get there by trying to go back. You can't go back, and trying to will only make it worse. You really do have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death on this one.

But no matter how bad it gets, please just believe me on this one. There really is something worth it on the other side. Before I dealt with any of this, i never new true despair. But I also never knew true hope. It's the most precious thing you could ever have, and even a speck of it was worth what happened to me.

I will be thinking of you anon.

[Anonymous No.15328128]

Didn't read, but I love seeing Lawless Darkness posted here.

[Anonymous No.15328147]

I have really had something similar to what you tell, they are not only states of maximum consciousness of the surroundings but consciousness of time, and with that the consciousness of death. Sometimes they give me "attacks" where I think how short life is and that after this we will be infinitely dead, where everything we have done in life has been useless. And there comes the question: Why do we exist if we are going to be dead forever? I want to think that there is something beyond life (without religious meaning) so it will give meaning to it.
When I feel this I just don't do anything, I'm freezed and think about this, and the next day I go back to normal life

[Anonymous No.15328307]

Tldr

[Anonymous No.15328827]

>>15327112
get a gf. one who would listen.

[Anonymous No.15329045]

>>15327892
Thanks anon, found some of his books, will give 'em a try, even though I know that when it comes to that experience, no wisest teachings or mantras can stand against. I used to be religious in my teens and had these terrible swings from feeling the world, people, nature as a solid, beautiful harmony of creation, and then when these nightmares appeared at night, I experienced the absolute void, abyss of existence, I almost felt the endless dark of the night, space and universe surrounding this weird clay body I'm entrapped in, crawling like a bug in that lifeless electric light, everything is materialistic and pointless, there couldn't be any god, and believing in one is absolutely mental (even though I prayed few hours ago before sleep). I don't think this experiences are because of brain disorder or anyth., I believe though human brain and consciousness is plain chemical chain reaction, and all beings have a natural ability to generate ''drugs'', edorphines, etc., that don't let the consciousness and it's holder absolutely freak out by appearing in this objectively weird harsh reality, in this objectively weird wtf-ish ''body'', etc. But if that chemical mechanism fails and stops injecting ''sedatives'' and ''pink glasses''-effect drugs, that highly-developed evolution-upgraded consciousness with the ability to analyze the hell out of anything, appears all alone and naked in front of the objective reality, that is pressing from above with with trillions of tonnes of dead space, shattering into pieces all your comfy, homey, illusive, fantasy-based perception of life and reality, which is a fairy tale, where everything is what it is, people are people, and not some abstract scary monsters(which they objectively are), cats are cats, not freaking something with four dingling stick, world is world, comfy space between habitual sky and habitual ground, where everything is sort of domestic, usual, belonging to you, you're not questioning anything here, everything seems boringly usual, you're not looking at you dog thinking wtf is this thing, and so on about everything, which would be a rational and logic thing to do, because that dog thing is not something you know, it's something that you objectively don't know a thing about. But all these things are completely smothered both by instinctive, gene memory and the natural ''joy'' drugs and hormones produced by brain, not allowing your mind to leave the ''designated'' area of thinking, because otherwise you'll see that behind all these well-known ''textures of the world'' and ''script of life'' there's a dark, lifeless, abstract, material form of existence, that is mindcrashingly unexplainable of what it is, why it is, who is the one that questions, and what's the endgame, simple basic questions yet so crucial, they can destroy the consciousness if thought too much. And without knowing evident, straight, clear and solid answers to these questions, the existence of human consciousness

[Anonymous No.15329114]

seems to contradict to everything it is itself and everything it surrounds, and when these questions lawfully appear and seek answers no fairy tale about superior consciousness, creator, belief in god, belief in humanity, belief in life and nature, etc., can sound sane and not like silly illusive ways to escape the objective reality.

[Anonymous No.15329131]

I've had the same thoughts a few days ago, I'm probably the anon that >>15327892 talks about.
Everything had been building up inside for months, no, years before I stopped lying to myself. It is not depression, it is not psychosis (for the most part), but simply an uncluttered view of life and arguing otherwise would be to willingly delude yourself.

I cannot say that I do not enjoy life - actually, I've felt more fulfilled and happy in the last few days than in the previous two months combined - but it's the type of happiness that feels like a joke, one that might end anytime. The good part is that it will not matter

[Anonymous No.15329304]

>>15328147
>>15329131
Looks like we're not alone, there must be some studies on this subject, it prob has some scientific name too. What if it's somehow related to bipolar disorder?

[Anonymous No.15329417]

Thank God I’m not a materialist lol

[Anonymous No.15329670]

Bacon's be a good read as well.

[Anonymous No.15329678]

>>15327112
Get some sleep man

[Anonymous No.15330733]

>>15327112
I've been there. I look at it this way: everything is individually empty because every "thing" has it's existence dependent on the existence of everything else around it. A tree cannot exist where there isn't water, soil, air, and sun, just like a human cannot exist on a planet too close or far from a star. All objects are interrelated in this complex fashion, until you realize the void is only one side of the coin. Without nothingness how could you have the experience of anything at all, that is to say if everything was truly just material, with nothing ever changing or happening in this universe, that would appear as nothingness, and there would be no beings conscious of their existence but only particles moving around as philosophical zombies in an empty universe. But since we have experience, it's because of the contrast of our interdependent world against this background of nothingness. What will it be like to go to sleep without waking up? What was it like to wake up having never gone to sleep? You must become nothing to become aware of something, and if you never were nothing you would have never been born, so don't fear the concept of nothing in your head, it's nothing to fear. Ultimately reality is both nothingness and somethingness while being completely described by neither, it's beyond human comprehension in words. Experience is all there really is, and no words will ever be able to describe what it feels like to be alive, it's ineffible, and the only thing that's truly real as opposed to an abstraction we made up.
"Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent."
https://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/zen/sandokai.htm

[Anonymous No.15331866]

[Anonymous No.15331911]

>>15327112
Allow yourself to collapse. Become washed away by the universe. After an eternity's eternity you will reconstruct yourself and end up right where you belong.

[Anonymous No.15331960]

>>15331911
Where else other than now? It's not like you can't live in the present, no matter how hard you try, alhtough you can always pretend. That's where all our problems come from anyway, 10,000 years ago we were fighting for food with sticks, and now humanity has their food prepackaged and sent to their doorsteps with technology unfathomable to what was once believed to be magic, yet we still think ourselves separate from this world around us. "You have evolved from worm to man, but much within you is still worm. Once you were apes, yet even now man is more of an ape than any of the apes." Truly we are beneath the apes, because at least apes live and fight in reality, but today we can only fight over words in a fictional reality because we no longer see the need to reside in reality. It's never enough. We'll construct a digital universe to escape from reality only to find ourselves back where we started, running from ourselves. And so the cycle continues. But it's only a circle, and every beginning is it's own end, so you can wake up from the dream anytime you want to. The problem is it's right beneath our noses, and the hardest thing to figure out is always the simplest. You can spend 13 billion years trying to explain away everything only to realize it was all a joke, and that there was nothing to do but laugh.

[Anonymous No.15332001]

>>15327112
>and this last question is so intense, like I experience the very raw phenomena of existing, in this moment of ''now'', in this place, in this form, and the entire weight, that's the right word, the entire weight of existence and its complete ''unexplainability'', ''unknowness'', the shear horror of existence, space around, rooms, lights, things, this robotic body, all these things are pushing on me so heavily, so unbearably, I can't handle it, I have to do things forcibly, instinctively, walk, pee, wash, etc, and when I do I feel completely disintegrated, shattered, I touch my face and shockingly wonder what is this thing, the eyes, scull, mouth, holes, this skin?
Sink into this feeling. When it happens, just completely let go. Fall back and really allow it to happen. Give in to everything. Breathe slowly, follow your breath, when the thoughts start SHOUTING at you, when things are really COLLAPSING like you say, just listen and let it have its way with you. Existential terror can never kill you, so just give in. It will pass eventually the more accustomed you become to it.

[Anonymous No.15332036]

Yeah buddy that's ego death/ego loss.
Weird that it's happening to you without drugs, usually it's something you experience under the influence of psychedelics. I've heard of cases where people get it indefinitely or in waves like you're describing, but that's usually only if they've tripped a whole hell of a lot in the past, and even then it's not common. No idea what you can do about it, but the terminology you were missing might help your search.

[Anonymous No.15332083]

>>15331866
You know, I looked at this and thought "that reminds me of Francis Bacon" and looked it up to see what was going on behind it, and it is Francis Bacon. I'm proud of myself. Knowin art and shit