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/lit/ - Literature

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1527551 No.1527551 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/ I was writing this poem about walking around at night and kind of hit a wall with it. I did like what I was producing, but I feel I need something more for it to be finished. Anyway, what do you think of what I have written? Your critiques would be much appreciated, as well as any ideas as to where I could take it next.

The long sigh of night sets in
when the sulphur scores of light begin
and the stars hide and yellow
beneath a firmament of cars

This long exhaust of outward breath
is pulled back from the lip of death
by the hiss of bus and yawn of road
in this cul de sac of ours

>> No.1527606

Aww come on lit, even if you want to tell me it's shit I'm still interested. Second opinions are important to me.

>> No.1527623

are you the same person who made that videotape poem? because I liked that one more.

>> No.1527661

>>1527623
Yeah, that was me and I agree that that one is better. Here's that poem again:

Moeder
You sit hunched in a spot which I used, too,
By the TV and grey box where I spun away my youth.
You clambered down, like I did to play,
To carousel songs on loop
And bleached out reels from Holland '55.

Cataracts' misty film
Blocks the story from your eyes.

The carousel spins on faster, past the
Cobbler and his yarns of how
Bad glue never lasts, and
The preacher who drilled in
That we all must suffer well
In time's unblinking carousel.

>> No.1527676

Do you mind throwing in some punctuation? Or is it supposed to be one long sentence?

>> No.1527697

i really like it OP, but >>1527676 has a good point, especially if you're supposed to sub-vocalize the poem or read it aloud

last line could be reworked too, i think the sudden jump from a third person observer of the city into the scene being "ours" doesn't fit with the mood

>> No.1527721

>>1527697
I think the sudden change is really nice.
I got nothing constructive to say but i like it!

>> No.1527754

Here are my impressions:
>The long sigh of night sets in
This shit is going to get tiresome quick, just reading sigh makes it boring; try murmur, purr, whisper, white sound, whatever...
>when the sulphur scores of light begin
sulphur, yep, read on
>and the stars hide and yellow
>beneath a firmament of cars
nope: fuck firmament. it's an ugly word that sounds like shit, no reason to use it, no reason to have it in your vocabulary. it's flowery, long, alliterative in a retarded way.

>This long exhaust of outward breath
>is pulled back from the lip of death
>by the hiss of bus and yawn of road
>in this cul de sac of ours
Nope. fuck cul-de-sac. Suggests hopelessness.

There is a sharp contrast between the animation (hiss of bus, light from the cars which are safely assumed moving, producing this yawn of the road) and the overall sleepiness (death even) of the scene. Is that what you're in for?

>> No.1527776

>>1527661
>The preacher who drilled in
>That we all must suffer well
>In time's unblinking carousel.

Probably the best three lines of original poetry I've read on /lit/.

>> No.1527818

>>1527676
The long sigh of night sets in,
when the sulphur scores of light begin
and the stars hide and yellow
beneath a firmament of cars.

This long exhaust of outward breath
is pulled back from the lip of death,
by the hiss of bus and yawn of road,
in this cul de sac of ours.

I found it weirdly tricky trying to punctuate this poem, so I just left it out originally. I've tried to do what I thought most appropriate though. Thanks anon.
>>1527697
>>1527721
Interesting reading these. I never thought of a "change" when writing that part. Now you point it out though it seems kind of important. I think whether or not I decide to keep our in will determine the last stanza.
>>1527754
The sigh idea came from one of my nightwalks where I thought the air had a breathless feeling as if the night was one long exhale. I chose "sigh" because of the long vowel sound, but perhaps it creates the wrong mood. Anyway, I thought I'd use breathing imagery throughout. I chose firmament because it normally refers to the sky, so here I inverted it to mean ground. Links back to the idea of the lights turning on at night.

Perhaps this?
>The night's long exhale sets in
I'm not sure how I'd replace firmament yet though. Thanks for the ideas anon. I think I'll copy this thread.

>>1527776
Thank you. That means an awful lot to me!

>> No.1527830

>>1527776

I second that. I think you have a pretty good ear, OP. Your work is nice. I especially liked 'beneath a firmament of cars' I thought that was good, it stood out.

I've read the first poem a few times now, I thought the ryhme scheme was off putting at first, I'm not sure what I think now; I know it feels incomplete at least. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Good work though.

>> No.1527875

>>1527830
I'd like to come clean about that one. My English teacher wrote a song about an emo boy with a "firmament of scars" on his arms. He told us we could steal that line if we wanted. It seemed to fit, so I don't know how I should feel about that.

I'll have a good think about that rhyme scheme. Thank you for your thoughts.

>> No.1527992

>>1527818
>The night's long exhale sets in
much better, yes

>> No.1528023

>>1527875

Don't feel bad, everyone steals. You should pay extra attention to that fact considering you're posting work o 4chan lol but anyway, although you only changed one letter in the sentence, it made a big change in the scheme of things and it's also pretty original. Also 'a firmament of scars' is disgustingly emo, he wasn't going to get anywhere with that.

>> No.1528062

Do you reckon I could send a poem to a magazine and get some dollar for it? Do you know any good magazines for this? (I'm a britfag by the way)
>>1528023
That's true. I remember Yeats stole the phrase "stony sleep" in The Second Coming.