/crit/ - Critique

[Anonymous No.15264554]

Islamic Shill Thread Everywhere edition

Post anything (short story, excerpt, poem etc.) that you would like critiqued

RULES:
You must critique at least one other person when posting material you would like critiqued (first poster is exempt).

[Anonymous No.15264571]

>>15264554
Marat a cute

[Anonymous No.15264580]

Something I did up. Didn't get any critique last thread.
I tried alternating between stanzas of AABB heroic couplets and stanzas of ABAB rhymes, finishing off with the final 14 lines of couplets and a final 2 lines of alliteration.I have no clue if this is good, would like to hear thoughts.

[Anonymous No.15264822]

RECOMMENDED RULE: Put longer posts in an image or pastebin plz

>>15264580
I think if you're going to go for the whole rhyming thing, some attention should be paid to meter as well. There is a consistent issue here with unmatched meters, making it very awkward to read. As to the diction, it is very thick. Kudos for knowing and using a lot of uncommon words, but be sure they tether back to a meaning or message (ex: why do the "revisionists" cast the speaker (and his group?) as a blain? A bit more detailing of who or what the speakers group is could help...right now it just floats in ambiguity, which makes me have to search for what tension is actually being shown here (what is the foreigner foreign to? a land? a tradition? poverty? a philosophy or way of life?)

Heres mine:

https://pastebin.com/YVhNXirx

[Anonymous No.15265270]

>>15264822
I'm pretty sure this >>15264580 is about immigrants

In regards to yours, are you trying to parody Kaur? A lot of these stanzas are sentences just broken up. I can't seem to wrap my head around what kind of monk you are referring to. The colour of the robes would make sense for Buddhists, but to my knowledge, they don't live in deserts where there could be "sand in the wind". Other than that, the imagery is pretty good. Metre obviously doesn't matter for yours as you're writing in free verse. Overall, a good effort. 7.5/10.

[Anonymous No.15265297]

>>15265270
they actually have lived around the gobi desert, but that wasn't the point of the sand. dkyil 'khor is the practice of making and destroying intricate sand mandalas. ty for generous rating.

[Anonymous No.15265353]

here's an excerpt from a short story I'm working on

The clamour of the village was gone now. The mountain was silent, covered in a carpet of fog whose fibres silenced the voices of the forest and tangled themselves in the canopy. By the time Haruki came to the house he had lost all concept of time and space as it existed outside of heavy shroud that surrounded him. So thick was the mist that although he was only a few short paces from the front of the house its form was still heavily. It appeared more so like the abstract idea of a house, the hazy memory of a place that once existed. The usual welcoming smells of food and human life were absent from the house, and in their place was the stench of damp, decaying wood. The silence was broken by the sound of the front door creaking open. Haruki waited for a moment, contemplating whether or not to enter when an ethereal voice coming from somewhere deep in the house, beckoned him inside.

[Anonymous No.15265365]

>>15264822
like the other guy said the structure and flow of this is like one step above rupi kaur, and it doesn't seem like your trying to say anything other than there's these monks in the desert, bit weird innit. Do like the imagery and the uses of the colours red and orange. Prolly give it like a 6-6.25/10.

And here's my one

[Anonymous No.15265461]

here's a first draft I finished yesterday.

>>15264580
The heightened language here really doesn't work well, esp since this is supposed to be an incendiary examination of the immigrant's role in society. A poem can't frown on a foreigner while using dustbin language in shaky verses.

>>15264822
I quite like your tone. The lowercase works well, as do the short meters and stanzas for conveying the passage of time as a kind of sweeping away. I do wonder about the speaker's position in relation to these monks. The speaker seems to make an immediate value judgement by calling the monks "dull and dusty." The third and fourth stanzas convey an outsider's judgement as well. Meanwhile, when you give us the action of the monks, it feels somewhat diminished to things that simply vanquish with time. Smoking, making mandalas, etc. I'd possibly like to see a more penetrating account of a monk's practices, as well as a better grounding between the speaker and the monk.

[Anonymous No.15265551]

>>15265365
very nice. I feel like it could use a few more verses, but I'm a total pleb when it comes to poetry.

[Anonymous No.15265569]

>>15265461
How do you mean dustbin language?

[Anonymous No.15265617]

>>15265365
This is very good, congratulations.

[Anonymous No.15265693]

>>15265569
"hath come" "wretched scoundrel" "you will now bask" "Understand ye" "Begone! you festering rabble" etc.

this language is not inherently *wrong* to use, but when you're not doing something new with it, and in your case, using it in a cliched / totally familiarized manner, it feels hollow and becomes self-parodic. If this poem was meant to be satirical, then I missed it, and I think the language could be used in an even more fumbingly way. Otherwise, you're piling on words that you think should be used rather than actually following your own path.

[Anonymous No.15265741]

>>15265693
I was attempting to apply the style of older poets to a topic which they didn't deal with. I'll work on it I suppose. Thanks for the critique.

[Anonymous No.15265871]

>>15265461
Hey, you're that guy! I know because the last thread got archived before I could crit this poem. (I was the vegan neighbors guy)

I like your poem. Very mature poetic treatment of a very modern thing (board postings), which deserves mention itself. Like the last poem you posted, very high command of line breaks and punctuation. I get a bit lost with the third and fourth stanza's place in the general story of the poem (I like the third stanza though). I think its just hard to place because it seems like a very real event, though the poem starts a sort of "setting" within a virtual space (moderators, usernames). Appropriate and effective use of the reprise with "stuck crust on a wall"

Have you tried getting any of your stuff published? I feel like you'd have success!

>>15265365
Good pace, nice diction. "Velvet night" is a bit cliche IMO, but overall a solid little ditty.

>>15265353
Interesting! Good imagery, and it keeps the readers attention. Not a grotesque cliffhanger; the suspense at the end it done well. I'd like to see more.

[Anonymous No.15265906]

>>15265365
I don't quite get the punctuation being used here. Line 1 would seem to need smth at the end of it. On lines 2 and 5 the final commas seem very intrusive and actually incorrect. The poem reads well and I quite like the metrical shift in the last line. The rhyme and imagery are a bit trite and combined with the punctuation gives it a juvenile feel.
>>15265461
I like it. I like the way the lines and stanzas flow. First stanza especially, and that "sweetly". Don't kno if you need to break up the final phrase like that, though.
>>15264580
this is unsalvageable. No "older poets" wrote in this style about any topic, unless you are emulating William McGonagall. You need to find a less inauthentic way to express yourself to the foreigners.

[Anonymous No.15266087]

>>15265461
Good language. Unique words. This should be put in a collection to serve as a testament of what it was like on imageboards in the early 21st century.

[Anonymous No.15266118]

>>15266087
this is actually shit but I cherish it for some reason I refuse to admit

[Anonymous No.15266183]

Following up from a post I made in a previous thread, I had this post >>15255197

>>15258220
Yeah but what do you mean. There’s more of it also but it’s not together or good yet
>>15260068
I haven’t really learned how to do longer stuff yet super well and I think I got lucky with that much, any thoughts of how I could add on to this and extend this concept into other territory without over-relying on the “Road” allegory?

[Anonymous No.15266353]

If you post a poem in this thread, even if you make changes to it, are you unable to send it to some guy for publishing?

[Anonymous No.15266364]

>>15266353
You'll be fine

[Anonymous No.15266370]

Excuse the shitty camera, and the faded letters, I need to get new ink
1/3

[Anonymous No.15266384]

>>15266364
I don't want to be "fine." I want to be me

[Anonymous No.15266398]

>>15266353
Yeah, I've gotten two published that I posted on 4 channel dot organization. It flies under their radar. You're fine.

[Anonymous No.15266405]

>>15266370
2/3

[Anonymous No.15266418]

>>15266370
hey bukowski, nice to see you got reincarnated into SHIT

nah jk, its an alright poem. good humor, nice plainness. a little too relatable what with social isolation and all; would've been better pre-quarantine.

[Anonymous No.15266419]

>>15266405
3/3

[Anonymous No.15266427]

>>15266405
>>15266370

how do you like having a typewriter?

[Anonymous No.15266449]

>>15266418
Lol, thanks. I've always thought my stuff was just watered down Bukowski. I wrote all of these within the last month while stuck at home. I just hope that it ages well despite the context

[Anonymous No.15266471]

>>15266427
Got it as a gift, didn't pay a dime for it, so keep that in mind. I'm in love with it, it's great to just sit down and be able to mash something out. It's like it calls out inspiration from within me. Mine is pretty old, so it does have a problem with the f key deciding it'll jam for a bit, but nothing too bad. It also has the loveliest smell for some reason

[Anonymous No.15266487]

>>15266471
i've always thought that a typewriter would do that - kind of invisibly push you to write or write in a certain way at least...i would totally buy one if it wasn't for their cost, which im sure you're aware of

[Anonymous No.15266526]

>>15266487
That's pretty much the reason I didn't buy one for myself. Pays to have attentive friends I guess.

[Anonymous No.15266594]

>>15265461
Should've just called it Rent Free

[Anonymous No.15266595]

>>15266370
>>15266405
>>15266419
Dumb phoneposter.

[Anonymous No.15266853]

I want to jack off a JAG off(icer)
Jack him off and swallow up
Yum yum yum
SUCK it OUT
Gay homosex is my thing
I live for steamy flings

[Anonymous No.15266860]

>>15266853
ok john

[Anonymous No.15266866]

What the fuck is the point of these critique threads when you guys all just write in free verse?

[Anonymous No.15266886]

>>15266866
brainlet

[Anonymous No.15266996]

>>15265365
i really like this one

>>15265353
the imagery is really good here. my only gripe here is that the line "The silence was broken by..." is cliche.

[Anonymous No.15267142]

> Needs revision, meter undecided, most of second stanza is a placeholder for now

Every idea has its own life
Sustained by its teeth on our minds
Some hang on for their dear life
And others, our minds will fight to find

Where here and where there is never makes much of a difference,
But how does hoping ever stop hoping
Autonomous processes keeps these alarm bells
Keeps giving them life to suck you dry

Ideas become a part your mind, as their
Flesh turns to shell and teeth form the wires
Like trading your own body parts with
Objects that you like to touch

Some ideas are better than fact
And will fly you up before you crash, but the
Muscle you’ve built won’t burn away
So now you’ll be flying every day

What holds you up will hold you down
Moving slowly on the ground
You separated your mind from self
So now, these ideas are inseparable

[Anonymous No.15267304]

>>15266996
>>15267142
there's nothing nothing concrete in either of these and it makes them flimsy and boring. The latter, for example, is about ideas, but without anything concrete - what ideas? - the musings are meaningless. + tortured, juvenile, or aberrant rhyme in both poems, cliche in both (poster of the first poem a little hypocritical in that respect) and questionable grammar.
PS the former poem reads like someone feeling guilty about cooming, is that true? If so it's fun nonetheless.

[Anonymous No.15267316]

>>15267304
>is that true
Perhaps

[Anonymous No.15267387]

>>15267304
What is a way there can be something more concrete in >>15267142 if I am aiming to keep a vagueness as well? Any suggestions?

[Anonymous No.15267486]

>>15267387
what I am feeling from the poem is that I am being lectured to (addressing the reader in the second person is facilitating this effect) with conclusions that I haven't seen the working out of. One particular example: "Some ideas are better than fact" - I would like to know the personal place this comes from in the writer, otherwise it's platitude, it's an empty tease. A positive place to begin would be to isolate what is concrete here - teeth, flesh, shell, wires, muscle - and make those images and textures more real and more alive (more detail, basically).

I would also question whether the current form can do justice to the content that you are aiming at. Because you're raising and dropping things quite quickly. I would see all of these stanzas as placeholders.

Something that is always useful no matter the occasion is to read & reflect on "In a Station of the Metro" by Ezra Pound.

[Anonymous No.15267654]

>>15267142
While other anons have accused this poem of being only about ideas, I do see some imagery. To really drive the ideas home, you should use more evocative imagery and prune your lines, which you seem on your way to doing. I'm not really catching on the poem's "deeper meaning," but there are still powerful lines.

As for my poem, I'm aware the flow is janky and the ending abrupt/clumsy, along whatever other issues more insightful anons will find.

[Anonymous No.15267845]

>>15267654
Just a quick comment to mention some things I noticed. The indication of elided syllables is incredibly jarring especially at the beginning of the first two stanzas. Especially so because the phrases they are attached to are pretty weak in view of the whole poem. So I feel there must be a better way - I dont think you will lose much by excising those and using smth else.
Your capitalization at the beginning of lines is inconsistent. If you force the poem into a proper grammatical structure (including full stops) then you could drop line-initial capitals entirely, except for when beginning a sentence. Unless there's a method behind the current approach I am missing, ofc.
Otherwise I think it's a good example of attention to detail, ear for sound. The alliteration and phrases like claw-caught have an Old English ring to them. "Light...slinks up dawns banks"...is this a precise image though?

[Anonymous No.15267873]

[Anonymous No.15268059]

>>15267845
Thanks for the crit. I was using Dawn's banks as a metaphor for the horizon, from where a "river of light" (the rising sun) rises to inundate the world. The light is slowly creeping/slinking in rivulets up the bank to create a sense of unease for the upcoming day. Perhaps it translated well, perhaps not

[Anonymous No.15268091]

>>15267873
I'd be more okay with this if you actually used language that pushed limits. Instead, you rely on a lot of cyber-punk / sci-fi terminology with other plodding words. Seriously, less is more here. Deploy a couple of those words every few lines under the guise of a narrative (which you obviously want to make happen) and you'll have a much stronger piece. Right now, the lack of musicality coupled with the unwieldy phrases (a lot of this fails to ignite an image or take-off) makes this fall flat rather than subvert expectations.

[Anonymous No.15268272]

Bump >>15266183
Suggestions on how I could to expand on this most effectively? What I’ve attempted so far is kind of directionless and uncertain of itself

[Anonymous No.15268428]

>>15268091
>language that pushed limits
What do you mean by this?

[Anonymous No.15268481]

>>15268428
Language that moves to a threshold of common usage, perverting it, and making it strange; recontextualization of certain words, some fallen out of use or not; letting us see certain words or phrases anew / refreshed; and so on...what I'm saying can take on a lot of different forms depending on its writer.

Basically, following Pound's invocation to "make it new." I don't expect every piece of writing to be trying to jump over some invisible high-beam, but I do expect prose with this kind of maximalism to at least be interesting and try something different.

[Anonymous No.15268914]

may

the pharmacist wore his violet cap
he marched along the path
to a gathering of lonely people
in this forest.
and all together, red roses fall.

[Anonymous No.15268926]

>>15267654
what are beads of brack?

It's hard to read, but I assume you made it that way to try and give the poem more atmosphere. Try to make it easier to read without sacrificing the atmosphere the wording creates.

[Anonymous No.15268947]

A little sunflower in the lawn
Songbirds singing loud and strong
A mower rumbling in the distance
Thunder clouds coming soon to greet us
A fresh steak sizzling, medium rare
Windows open bringing fresh air
A house for sale with a small sign out front
Late evening sun casts shadows on pavement
With winter comes spring every year
So give thanks for the Earth and to it draw near