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/lit/ - Literature

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14610772 No.14610772 [Reply] [Original]

Can someone explain to me clearly and in useful terms why my poetry is garbage? Every time I submit a poem to a publication it gets rejected in a matter of days. I know this is very unusual, because my short stories usually take at least weeks (and sometimes months) to get rejected.

What am I doing wrong? One of my latest failures:

To see the thoughts of others is the one
allure we always seem to feel beneath.
In times of calm and lazy, listless peace
a dream of reading minds is often spun.
Or days of frenzied noise ignite the sun
of desperate, clawing envy; "Pulling teeth
is pointless. Let me feel the wishes, sheathed
and dark, the foreign souls of everyone."

Our gnawing mental image, whole and bright,
presents itself in science, as in spell:
Transmitting conscious minds to server sites –
Or hoarding potions, crystal balls, and rites.
By any means! Divine or human wealth,
whatever lets us know each other's plight.

>> No.14610788

Writing a text and formatting it
like this, doesn't turn it into poetry

>> No.14610793

>>14610788
it rhymes, what else is required?

>> No.14610802

>>14610788
It's a sonnet. Literally the most widely used format for poetry since like, the 15th century

>> No.14610821

>>14610772
Who are your top five favorite poets?

Also post some of the published poetry from the places you are submitting to, for comparison.

imo, on a first glance, your poem is not bad but it lacks a certain polish. It feels too abstract or cliched at places (lazy, listless peace) and reaches for rhyme at others (is often spun/ignite the sun). But there also some lines that in my mind indicate natural talent (pulling teeth is pointless)

>> No.14610833

>>14610772
I am a pleb but I liked it, I hope you can get some good feedback in this thread

>> No.14610855

>>14610788
Never go full retard.

>> No.14610860

>>14610821
I admittedly have very insular taste in poets. Mostly Americans from the 19th century. I can't help it, something about poems from that time and place just speaks to me.
>Dickinson
>Whitman
>Poe
>John Donne
>Yeats

Published poem from the place I submitted:

I’m not really the ethereal whisper
found in the shadow of a distant
backyard corner, tucked

in childhood memory. Something
only the dog notices with its
keen senses, a glimpse.

I’m not sealed in the corridor
that keeps returning in dreams.
Someone to find in tunnels

that never existed. Nor am I
the slide between dimensions,
the marriage of already and yet

to be, the unrealized—
but then humans have such a grasp
of their small frames,

enlarged by their own fearful
chase for grandeur, so convinced
they see all.

Thank you for the critique, by the way. I had the same concerns about the lines you pointed out but there's no one IRL I'm comfortable sharing my poems with so I wasn't sure if my fears were founded.

>> No.14610876

>>14610788
retards
talk out their ass
like Rupi
Kaur

>> No.14610880

>>14610833
Thanks, friend! I hope so too. I don't mind being rejected, but it's the not knowing why part that bothers me.

>> No.14610881

>>14610860
>>Poe
>>John Donne
>>Yeats
extremely based

>> No.14610892

>>14610772
Your diction is weird and antiquated. This isn't 1790. That doesn't quite knock your poem, but the kind of poetry the women editors at magazines like has a casual, easy-flowing quality. Rupi Kaur being the most visible perpetrator of such tripe. Also the images are awkward. Sheathed and dark wishes? Server sites, in a poem that sounds like it was written by someone in a powdered wig? A sun of desperate clawing envy? How is envy like the sun, and how does noise ignite it? Isn't the sun always ignited?

Also the rhyme scheme is odd. The abccba scheme puts the pairings too far apart for a and b for them to chime together noticiably.

>> No.14610895

>>14610802
There's more to writing a sonnet than having 10 syllables in a line. The meter is clunky, and often you bend sentences in unnatural ways to make the lines conform to your syllable count. I've read this poem a few times, and it evokes nothing. Feels like a word game.

>> No.14610897

You wanna hear the weird truth? It gets rejected precisely because it IS good. Modern-day publishers are looking for shit cringy formless prose poetry à la Rupi Kaur. Yours is Shakespeare by comparison, OP. It just isn't what they're after. Also you don't talk about evil wypipo, muh black struggle nor oppressed wymin. Your poem is good, it's the liberal publishing system in your country that sucks.

>> No.14610904

>>14610860
based OP. I like this guy.

>> No.14610914

>>14610860
That poem has clearer imagery and actually manages to get a point across

>> No.14610923

>>14610897
Gay victim complex bullshit

>> No.14610929

>>14610881
lol not sure if you're being sarcastic, bu if you aren't, thanks friend.
>>14610892
This is definitely stuff I can work on. I think the solution to the problems you've pointed out is that I need to read more contemporary poetry to get a better feel for more natural rhythms and word choices.
>>14610895
That's fair. I tried to stay true to the form of a sonnet with the theme/mood change in the last quatrain, but clearly my reach exceeded my grasp.
>>14610897
I don't know, desu. I'm not a huge fan of most of the contemporary poetry I read, but I also definitely think mine probably just isn't good enough to be publishable either. Thanks for the compliments regardless though, it makes me feel a little better.

>> No.14610939

>>14610904
I thought /lit/ would ruthlessly mock me for my tastes, so this is a pleasant surprise lmao.
>>14610914
Good point. Imagery is definitely one of my weakest points. Even when I try to include it my lines still end up being mostly abstract.

>> No.14610985
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14610985

>>14610860
Its diction and tropes are cliché (this can be solved by reading more and broadening your vocabulary), and the poem lacks the musical quality essential to all poetry (this doesn’t mean you have to follow a predefined meter; a lot of modernist like Eliot and Pound had their meter conform to them, which is sometimes misunderstood as free verse). I suggest you study meter and continue to read poetry. Also, here’s a quote from Rimbaud: “I say one must be a seer, make oneself a seer.
The Poet makes himself a seer by a long, gigantic and rational derangement of all the senses. All forms of love, suffering, and madness. He searches himself. He exhausts all poisons in himself and keeps only their quintessences. Unspeakable torture where he needs all his faith, all his super-human strength, where he becomes among all men the great patient, the great criminal, the one accursed– and the supreme Scholar!–Because he reaches the unknown! Since he cultivated his soul, rich already, more than any man! He reaches the unknown, and when, bewildered, he ends by losing the intelligence of his visions, he has seen them. Let him die as he leaps through unheard of and unnamable things: other horrible workers will come; they will begin from the horizons where the other collapsed!”

>> No.14610989

>>14610929
I absolutely love those three poets, especially Donne. I have to admit I do not like Whitman or Dickinson but people whose opinions I trust love them so I chalk this up to personal misalignment.

We need to revive the metaphysical poets some more:

Love bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lacked any thing.

A guest, I answered, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

>> No.14611027

>>14610772
>>14610860
I think this is promising, man. You should definitely keep writing poetry. It seems like you are still beginning to understand the techniques and whatnot but you should keep practicing and reading poetry. Lots of people are cruel here but others give you constructive criticism. Ignore the former, but listen to the latter. Also, you have started with the lyrical forms which is a good thing. Borges said that any poet should begin with this before he even considers moving on to free verse or other forms. Good luck.

>> No.14611040

>>14610772
I think there's too many different sounds within a single line. It may sound dumb, but I'm not kidding. Just take one verse from the poem you posted afterwards (the one published from the place you submitted): "really the ethereal whisper". I have no clue what it is about (I'm ESL), but it sounds fucking nice. Now take a piece of your own poem, "Our gnawing mental image, whole and bright". Holy shit. Every single word is completely different from the others. The line that comes right after feels much better, "presents itself in science" is really cool.
You know what good poetry is, the only thing is you should work harder or longer so that every single line is as good as can be.

>> No.14611182

>>14610985
>>14611027
Thanks for the feedback, anons! I really appreciate all the criticism I've gotten in this thread, it's helped me more than I can put into words.

Should clarify in case there was any confusion though, the second poem I posted was not written by me.
>>14610989
You and me would get along very well, lol. Completely agree about metaphysical poetry, it's enchanting.
>>14611040
This makes perfect sense and I'm starting to have an epiphany because you're totally right. I need to keep to a smaller number of sounds in each line, otherwise the musical quality disintegrates. Thank you so much anon.

>> No.14611192

>>14610788
Kys

>> No.14611205

>>14610772
I think your "problem" is that you're NOT garbage. If your poetry were something

Vagina vagina vagina vagina
Death to the patriarchy
Vagina vagina vagina vagina
Vagina vagina vagina vagina
Menstruation
Vagina vagina vagina vagina
...

It would be published and championed

>> No.14611265

>>14611205
Again, victim complex bullshit

>> No.14611476

>>14610772
it's shit. it sounds like it was written by a fucking 14 year old from the fucking 1600's.

quit being such a faggot op and write something with a modern voice. you're clearly too chickenshit to try to write something for the times we live in

>> No.14611491

>>14611476
The current styles suck. Just let him do his thing.

>> No.14611518

>>14611265
>>14610923
They're right, though.

>> No.14611542

>>14611205
>Vagina vagina vagina vagina
>Death to the patriarchy and tomb
>Vagina vagina vagina blood
>Vagina vagina vagina vagina
>Menstruation and womb
>Vagina vagina vagina flood

>> No.14612486

>>14611491
the current style only sucks if you're a moron who needs everything spelled out for you

>> No.14612501

>>14612486
That's the modern style. Everything is simple and retarded, think Rupi Kaur.

>> No.14612505

>>14612501
modern style is anything but simple. you're just too dumb to grasp larger themes and symmetry.

>> No.14612511

>>14610772
Reconcilliatory boomer poetry? Does not appeal to contemporary audience.

>> No.14612519

>>14612505
Of course by "modern" I meant contemporary, not modernist (Eliot, Pound, et al). That modern style of poetry like Bukowski, Bolaño or Rupi Kaur is for the simplest of minds.

>> No.14612526

>>14612519
burkowski is one of the deepest thinkers around. this only proves to be that your grasp of higher order language is completely faulty

>> No.14612602

>>14612526
I was referring to their style, not the themes/content (although that's also pathetic for the most part). It seems like you're the one with a faulty reading comprehension. Also, if Bukowski's poetry makes him "one of the deepest thinkers around" then that's a clear sign we're living in a shitty age for poetry. There's no "higher order language" in his poetry (you are mistaking him for an heir of Dickinson, I suppose, but he's nowhere near). I assure you my understanding isn't the problem. But out of the contemporary poetry that I have read by major figures, Houellebecq seems to me to be underrated. Better than the three clowns that I mentioned. Way more aesthetically and thematically developed.

>> No.14613775

bump

>> No.14614103

Most magazines won’t publish work this.

>> No.14614132

>>14614103
why not?

>> No.14614140

>>14610772
Are you a white male? Try to submit your next poem under a female Chinese name. I assure you they will accept it.

>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Derrick_Hudson