post your diary

[Anonymous No.14591715]

[Anonymous No.14591741]

>>14591715
diary entry while on shrooms:
The thesis of korolev is therefore conclude that I end my life. we bark like a dog with a surpirsing aptitude for life experiences. life concurrebces do form an unlikely correlate of pain. We are immediately reminded of the fact that we have a 750 euro transfer immanent

[Anonymous No.14591836]

>>14591715

1/22/20

Here it is! The much anticipated followup to my one conversation with a girl in years! Well, let's see; remember that "worst case scenario" I wrote about?---where she moves to a different part of the class entirely? Call me Nostradamus.

Now I want to discuss everything in detail, and I feel that my hands aren't tied anymore, since the situation is resolved; there's nothing to jinx.

First of all, how do I feel? Of course I'm quite disappointed, kind of still in shock, mostly confused and interested in what happened: what were her motivations for doing everything she did? I assume I severely misinterpreted her actions in the beginning, so it'll be interesting to work through the timeline again with the benefit of foresight. When I first walked into the room today and saw her seat empty, this scenario was the first thing that came to my mind because she had always arrived before me; and when I walked over to my chair, I thought I saw her a row further back but wasn't positive because it was a quick glance, plus I don't remember exactly what she looks like. But despite that, I still maintained a slim hope: "Maybe she's running late today," and after class began, "Maybe she's out sick," but by that point the scales had fallen from my eyes, and I began to come to terms with this new chapter----or epilogue. However, not being one to come to terms with reality lightly, as class let out I monitored the exit... and watched as she left the room. I do have a substantial feeling of relief, the kind of relief that accompanies a failed opportunity, which, had it been seized, would've led to novel and scary situations---though undoubtedly positive ones. So, my standing summed up, I think it's time for a frame by frame rundown of this train wreck of an encounter.

I think she sat 2 seats away from me for 2 classes, though it may have been more. Before that she must have been sitting somewhere else, or she was in the same spot all along, and I didn't notice her. On the first of the 2 days she spent most of the class period drawing in her notebook and texting and browsing the internet on her phone. She didn't seem to be paying attention at all. On the 2nd day she was again on her phone all period. At one point I answered a question from the professor, and a short time later she answered one (despite seemingly not paying attention). Now somehow in my optimism I interpreted her mimicking my action as a possible sign she's interested in me----not a strong or definitive sign at all but just a vague idea.

Then on the 3rd day I walked in and saw that she had relocated to right beside me. Given the inkling I had the previous day, plus what I had written in here about her, I took it in the best way possible. I thought, "This is a blatant signal that she's interested in me. She saw where I'd been sitting the past few days and chose to sit beside me." [1/2]

[Anonymous No.14591883]

>>14591836
At this point my heart started beating harder, but I remained collected enough to let my low self-image and pessimism talk me out of my initial reading. "So she's changed seats and is now beside me, so what? She can do that; she's within her rights. Maybe she never noticed me and thought my seat would remain unoccupied." In this way I was able to provide her enough plausible deniability that I wasn't going to be the one to make the first move. "Girls sit next to me all the time, so what? I don't read anything into it; I can have a girl sitting beside me without forcing a conversation with her." Plus it was the easiest thing to do; so all signs pointed to my remaining mute.

However, on this 3rd day we had an in-class project. I set to work on it by myself, and after a few minutes she spoke to me. She first cleared her throat before asking the question, as quiet people often do when they haven't spoken to anyone in a while. She asked how to view the lecture's powerpoints on CANVAS. I answered her, but I also took this as the final confirmation that she's interested in me. "She sits down next to me, and then she she speaks to me; what's not to understand?" Thinking back on it, I believe I was very talkative with her after her initial question. All of a sudden she was forced into a full-fledged conversation at my behest. I feel it would be too painful for me to relay what I can remember of the conversation here, knowing what I know now, but suffice it to say I was at my most voluble; and that, coupled with anxiety, a girl, and misinterpretation, must have yielded the perfect storm of social incompetence. As my crowning achievement, at the end of the class, following my verbal onslaught, I said, "By the way, what's your name?" She gave it----not to be reprinted here so as not to tarnish it in the diary of a madman---- and then did the polite thing in asking my name in reply. I said at some point, "Nice to meet you," and in response to my name she made the queer comment, "I'll /try/ to remember it," before abruptly rushing out of the room without looking back. And my impressions in the days since then have already been laid out in previous entries, so the time now comes to revisit her behavior and try to come up with the explanation that accords with reality, and against my boyish fantasies.
[2/3]

[Anonymous No.14591890]

[Anonymous No.14591941]

>>14591883

As I said, I don't know where she was the first few days. If she was sitting somewhere else, then maybe it's just a quirk with her: she's a seat hopper, and I shouldn't take it personally. Though I'm suspicious of any suggestion that mitigates my failure. So let's say she was either there the whole time or had a good reason for moving once and didn't plan on moving again. On the 3rd day why did she sit next to me? It could be that she had trouble seeing the board from her first seat, or ----I just thought of this today---- she had her laptop with her on the 3rd day and wanted to sit next to an outlet to charge it. I don't remember if she had her laptop on the first 2 days, but I'm leaning towards no. That would have been a perfectly understandable reason for changing seats that has nothing to do with me. So if that's the case, that she had to charge her laptop (and we can of course discount the "answering a question after me"), then what the hell did she do to show any interest in me at all? The answer: nothing! I invented it all! She asked me one question because she needed information, and I verbally assaulted her. So if she's not interested in me, and I misinterpreted it all, then how could I expect her to continue sitting beside me and endure my misguided ramblings and interrogations? You could call it rude on paper, but she did what she had to do to preserve her quality of classroom life. I can do nothing but respect her for having the courage to move, and I'm sorry that I got so worked up over nothing and dragged an innocent soul with me into the abyss. I will try my best so that it doesn't happen again.
[3/3]

[Anonymous No.14592227]

>>14591741
wow so random

[Anonymous No.14593077]

>>14591715

My diary desu

[Anonymous No.14593210]

>>14591836
>>14591883
>>14591941
Wow you’re a fucking loser. I’d be embarrassed to post such a thing

[Anonymous No.14593497]

Dear diary

I have a blister on my toe. It is uncomfortable.

[Anonymous No.14593614]

I am a sick man... I am a spiteful man. I am an unpleasant man. I think my liver is diseased. However, I don't know beans about my disease, and I am not sure what is bothering me. I don't treat it and never have, though I respect medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely superstitious, let's say sufficiently so to respect medicine. (I am educated enough not to be superstitious, but I am.) No, I refuse to treat it out of spite. You probably will not understand that. Well, but I understand it. Of course I can't explain to you just whom I am annoying in this case by my spite. I am perfectly well aware that I cannot "get even" with the doctors by not consulting them. I know better than anyone that I thereby injure only myself and no one else. But still, if I don't treat it, its is out of spite. My liver is bad, well then-- let it get even worse!

[Anonymous No.14593628]

>>14591836
>>14591883
>>14591941
meanwhile she's getting dicked by a different chad every night

[Anonymous No.14593672]

>>14593628
based

[Anonymous No.14593715]

I’m just going to write clearly and directly today. Yesterday’s entry was about the word circulating that Teresa desires to go out for drinks. Who is definitely invited? Melissa and seemingly Sonia. Rad. Melissa asked if I was going to go. As of now, no. Teresa has not invited me. I don’t know if she wants me there. I also do not wish to minimize my sleep anymore. I’d rather sleep well than accumulate more bad experiences. If it is the case that Teresa, not someone else, invites me out and it will not disrupt my attempt at sleeping well, I will gladly meet her. If not, I am content with letting it pass. I would like to kiss her, to invite her to my apartment and share moments of physical intimacy again. I greatly enjoyed lying in bed naked with her. I wish to be close to her. It was nice while it lasted.
1/22/2020

[Anonymous No.14594044]

>>14593715
i want to know what happened later

[Anonymous No.14595258]

>>14591715
Dear diary, today I applied for another ICT-job, I wish to escape isle of NEETdom that I have been stranged past three years. Despite my best efforts, of constantly looking for jobs and applying to several schools, I have failed to do so. This year, I plan on applying for a hundred ICT jobs and applying twenty schools, but I don't still hold much hope, yet if I fail, at least I can tell myself "hey, at least I tried", which might make feel bit better.

[Anonymous No.14595285]

Humanity… All of my suffering on this world has been at the hands of humanity, particularly women. It has made me realize just how brutal and twisted humanity is as a species. All I ever wanted was to fit in and live a happy life amongst humanity, but I was cast out and rejected, forced to endure an existence of loneliness and insignificance, all because the females of the human species were incapable of seeing the value in me.

[Anonymous No.14595290]

>>14595258
>NEET for three years
How old are you? Do you still live with your parents? How do you afford a car and insurance and food and allthat?
I envy you

[Anonymous No.14595475]

>>14595290
Soon 24, and yes, I'm a basement dweller as pathetic that is, but I don't have a car (I could afford one if spend most of my savings). I don't know if this is universal, but I can afford food and bills because in socialist Finland the state provides unemployment benefit for everybody, which in my case is the pittance of thirty euros a business day.
While I occasionally wish I'd live alone (and I most certainly want to do that after I escape), at the moment I don't have any reason besides social pressure. I could move to a small shitty apartment and waste my unemployment benefit on the rent, or I can reside within the property that goes back multiple generations and is rather large, as long as my parents will it and save up money.

[Anonymous No.14596486]

5/31/19

Since giving myself that dressing down in the last entry I've been doing a /bit/ better on the game but hardly. I'm still living as a hedonist. I shrink from all unpleasantness, no matter how temporary, and dig myself into my familiar niche of earthly pleasures, marinating in my failures.

I've gained some weight again, just 3 lbs or so (so far) but I thought I'd mention it as symptomatic of my behavior-set: a die with 26 sides, 24 of which are instantly self-gratifying pleasures. That is my behavior repertoire. And how can I change when the odds are against me?

When I wake up, I'm immediately swept up into a jet stream of potential pleasures. Four hrs pass before my feet first touch the ground, and I ask myself, "What was it I should be doing today?" as though I have no agency in my actions.

[Anonymous No.14596652]

>>14591836
>>14591883
please be real

[Anonymous No.14596689]

>>14596652
It's 100% real. Do you like my behavior?

[Anonymous No.14596700]

Dear Diary,

today OP was a faggot

[Anonymous No.14596707]

>>14596689
Not him bu at least you can write a sentence or two without mistakes.

On the psychology side of things I'd tell you to grow up and actually pursue girls, be nice to them (not too much) and get over the akwardness tou probably radiate.Try it, works eventually and with some practice.

[Anonymous No.14596752]

>>14596707
Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever pursue girls. I don't like to put myself out there and face rejection. I instead deal with them if they come to me, and if they don't, then oh well.

[Anonymous No.14596832]

If I were to write a diary should I write it down with pen and paper or on my pc

[Anonymous No.14596912]

>>14596832
I personally write with pen and paper because it feels more intimate, I can write it while lying down in bed and don't have to spend a long time staring at a screen, and I think when something is handwritten it's supposed to stick better in your mind. The down side is how long it takes to handwrite vs type.

I'm the one who wrote that huge story on this page the other day, and it took like an hour or more write it all on paper.

[Anonymous No.14596927]

>>14596689
your extremely autistic behavior is extremely interesting, please post more excerpts from your diary desu

[Anonymous No.14597704]

>>14596689
this has been my reasoning completely for several years though I never had the eloquence to write it out like that.

[Anonymous No.14598046]

>>14591715
Dear diary,
OP is a fag.
The end.

[Anonymous No.14598238]

>>14591715
>jan/23/20
>i didn't accomplished much today. my breakfast hurt my stomach, i think the cheese on my sandwich was expired. i sat for 6 hours at work doing nothing. i noticed melissa had big breasts, 3 years working together and i just noticed this. could it be because i am constantly looking down? i wonder what effects does that have in the long term, if i got some xrays done would the doctor say "your neck is strangely curved, it looks like the letter C" thinking about this gives me a strange feeling of anxiety. i finally wrote a little bit more of my new story, it was just one line of dialogue but i havent done anything in 3 months, i take that over nothing. after i got home i spent all afternoon and evening watching youtube videos before going to sleep at 8 pm. before going to bed i sat on my bed looking out the window and i wondered how would a lightning strike look like if i were on a plane. i may look it up tomorrow but i probably wont.
>to be continued...

[Anonymous No.14598250]

>>14591715
I call it "Confessions of a Coomer"

[Anonymous No.14598258]

>>14598250
why is your 'T' so fucked ?

[Anonymous No.14598263]

>>14598250
magnificent

[Anonymous No.14598563]

>>14596927
10/10/19

I have a few things to say, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll try to keep it brief. Discordant things.

I'm trying to apply to a 2nd undergraduate school, and had to call. Freaking out from anxiety and fear, I left a message like one drunk or half-dead: a great first impression.

I had to call again. This time I wrote out a cheat-sheet beforehand of things to say. When my mind blanked from fright, I read from the sheet. It went a lot better.

I checked out a book from the library. I'd never done it before: anxious. The woman asked do I want to check it out for 2 weeks or 4 weeks? I didn't expect this question, and answered 2 weeks because I unconsciously felt that that was somehow more polite, though I instantly regretted it given the book's size.

A bunch of new people were hired at my part-time job. One is a young woman fresh from college---homely and nerdy looking, glasses, slight pudge---- but it's these very qualities that draw me unconsciously to her: someone on my level, not above me (though I'd hope below me, my subconscious doesn't hold me in such high regard). She is, as it were, tangible.

And yet my consciousness is still calling the shots, and it would still take a Herculean effort to approach her, so it's not like I will fall into it unawares.

I made sure not to speak to her (as I don't speak to anyone) and not to harbor such thoughts, as is inline with my decision long ago: never try and you won't be disappointed.

Lastly, about myself: When I think of myself the way others see me, it's incredible that such a character exists---to attend the job for almost 3 years, never once initiating a conversation with anyone, being almost comically silent. And I think as far back as I can remember, I've always been the quietest person in every room I've ever entered. Even in classes where I felt like I was really opening up socially: no, still the quietest; still the silent spectre haunting the hallways, haunting the furthest corners.

To change is to try, is to fail, is to disobey my mantra. Neutrality of thought in neutrality of action.

[Anonymous No.14598604]

>>14598250
So far in January only 6 times for me. When I do i draw picture of the sun, and the expression on its face is how I felt about it and myself afterwards

[Anonymous No.14598627]

>>14598604
post pics

[Anonymous No.14598686]

>>14598563
How'd you manage to get a part time job if a phone call makes you so anxious?

[Anonymous No.14598689]

>>14598627

[Anonymous No.14598695]

>>14598686
I do better in person, and I don’t have to answer phones for the job.

[Anonymous No.14598713]

>>14598689
what's with those unhappy-looking flowers? are those the days you masturbated?

[Anonymous No.14598733]

>>14596752
They will never come to you.

Stop being a pussy. Non-action is infinitely worse than the wrong action.

[Anonymous No.14598756]

>>14598238
>i spent all afternoon and evening watching youtube videos before going to sleep

Damn fucker. Youre fucked. Youre going to end up having a crisis event if you dont perk up.

[Anonymous No.14598799]

>>14598733
But I don’t really want to approach them. I get so nervous I fall apart. Plus I don’t really want anything from them except an ego boost. I am desperately afraid of aex, of being mocked by the girl afterwards. To me sex is a loae-lose situation and in the past I’ve actively avoided it.

[Anonymous No.14599163]

Dear diary,
Today OP was a faggot.

[Anonymous No.14599590]

I write short tidbits in my journal so i will just post a whole list of them. I don't write often in the journal as not a lot happens. Also i write to myself so it might be hard for an outsider to understand the more confusing ones.
August 5 2019: Weighed in at 272.5 LBS for a loss of 1.5 LBS this week. Down from Starting weight of 335 LBS. Saw something at the store today that made me optimistic and gave me that same shock as before. Also had a good meal. Great day overall.

August 6 2019: Yesterday i learned that my mother talked to a member of the catholic clergy, Although i am protestant and currently in a degenerate state in which virtue eludes me, i still appreciate this. I believe what i saw yesterday was a gift from God. I will try harder.

August 9 2019: I saw a picture of my dog Luna laying in my old empty room, i want to see her again.

August 22: Began looking for a job

August 25: Found a job

August 26: had "those" thoughts again. Will try and go back to Christ. I hope i can be strong enough. Also weighed in at 260.

(school and work got hectic so journal entries stopped while busy, too tired)

October 25: Weighed in at 235. Election really starting to heat up. It doesn't matter. Just a bunch of boomers and millennials blabbering on about their bullshit as if anyone cares.

November 21: I feel so tired and i can barely get through my days, However it is still hard to say that my circumstances are not better than i expected. The year of 2019 brought a new life onto me. I look forwards to my future.

December 2nd. Had a great dream. I do not care if its delusion. What inherent good has clarity brought me?

December 7th: Brown Grace top tier. The potential for kids though so i am not sure.

December 22: Coworker noticed my weight loss. Very nice. it was an especially hard day but also a good one.

December 27th: I lost my faith.

December 31st: Went out with friend to party. Got fucking smashed bud. Was fun. First time i felt this good in a while.

January 20th: Weighed in at 204 pounds, not too far away from 175 now. Then i just need to work on body composition. Maybe if i still look fat i might go down to 160 but i mainly need to focus on filling loose skin with muscle. Also a girl flirted with me today. First time in my life really. I guess those /fit/ fags weren't bullshiting me after all. It feels really nice. I am going to try and start something with her next time i see her.

[Anonymous No.14600591]

>>14598695
where do you work? what does the job entail? can you drive?

[Anonymous No.14600631]

>>14600591
I work at a tutoring place. I mainly help students studying for the ACT and SAT but i tutor little kids struggling in school also. Yes, I can drive.