What's happened to me in the past year.

[Anonymous No.14460103]

I'll keep this short and sweet.

I was a city dweller, living on a rented apartment in the suburbs, commuted by train, went to the supermarket, my dreams were to work for a tech company, this I told myself would make me fullfilled.

Then I experienced three weeks in semi-solitude out in the wilderness, now I no longer care about anything from my past lived experience, from solitude I gained a sense of agency again, as if everything that's necessary for a good life was within me all along, in solitude your mind starts bringing up all kinds of things, and after a while those things turn into reflections and conclusions, nature also made me more sensitive to all kinds of pollutions, noise, light, fucking exhaust fumes.

I genuinely changed, I want nothing more than get my own land and grow my own food, find an interesting women and wife her and have a family, I lost all desire for material possessions and status signalling. I want out, my whole belief system changed, it's like I found reality or took the red pill. What the fuck happened.

[Anonymous No.14460106]

>>14460103
you are an npc, and we're beta testing this new software to move whites out of cities so they don't clash with non-white migrants. we beam it into your empty skull while you sleep.

[Anonymous No.14460112]

>>14460103
Cool, make sure you got some backup money in the bank or someone to rely upon incase your crops fail.

[Anonymous No.14460116]

>>14460112
I'll still work, but only temporarily.

[Anonymous No.14460294]

>>14460103

I have had similar thoughts.
Do you have any plans how to achieve this?

[Anonymous No.14460340]

>>14460103
You're in your late 20's or early 30's and this is Saturn Returns.

Its an initiatory moment defined by a passage through liminal space, a kind of natural paradigm shift.
In tribal society this would have been guided and held much earlier by older members of the community.
As it is in our society this often just occurs as an internal process and builds up, often being postponed for years (see mid-life crises for the disastrous consequences of that)

The same happened to me, but at a much earlier age, and I'm now on my way to what you're evoking, though I'd warn against taking the vision too literally, you've awoken to values, not an 'answer'.

Its a kind of breakthrough into authenticity, and a connection with your deeper implicit values, it comes after a crisis, or a moment of humility, or often from an extended period of solitude, like for me and seemingly for you.

You're lucky you had that time, you clearly went looking for it subconsciously, you're initiating yourself through a paradigm shift, its precarious and could go either way, most people pathologise themselves, and this is the readily available conventional narrative.

Take. It. Seriously.

Here's my advice, and this is essential: you have to actually change your actual life conditions.
Some people move, often 'back home' or to another country. People quit their jobs etc, often the tension can be dampened by buying motorcycles or getting a divorce...but it has to be more drastic than that.

Your unconscious is asking for a gesture, a declaration, a physical and literal offering of commitment.

Its easy to become a sort of zombie if you don't act with this new agency and potency, you've seen these men, its a walking death.

Good luck, and if you're serious I'm up for chatting.

[Anonymous No.14460438]

>>14460340
Fuck

[Anonymous No.14460482]

>>14460340
I haven't read your post yet but I just turned 21.

[Anonymous No.14460503]

>>14460103
If you want to stop working and move to the woods without wasting 40 working and saving, your best bet is to collect social security disability. Read Berkley's book. You can get $2000/month, no taxes with free Medicaid for the whole family. That's enough to buy goats, food, and maintain the homestead.

Attention. FUCK 401ks (you can withdraw from them without penalty once you're disabled), fuck 999.999% of "financial independence" advice which says to waste your entire life saving to ride out the decade or two in comfort. You want to opt out? You need to take the welfare pill.

[Anonymous No.14460534]

>>14460340
Not OP but a curious and similarly minded 30 year old. What kind of gesture are declaration are we talking here?

[Anonymous No.14460560]

>>14460503
Hol' up, what what should I tell the doc?

[Anonymous No.14460585]

>>14460340
Op here, this was a great read and I am definitely serious.

>Its a kind of breakthrough into authenticity, and a connection with your deeper implicit values, it comes after a crisis, or a moment of humility, or often from an extended period of solitude, like for me and seemingly for you.

That is exactly what it is, when I first went back into the suburbs, and coiled myself in my apartment in the towers of suburbia I felt detached, detached from reality, for a brief moment everything felt off, it was like I discovered a new awareness that was previously hidden, looking at my electronics I felt no sense of wanting to turn them and I fell a bit into an existential despair, it was the return to my old way of living that set it all off, some people recall of taking psychedelics and having their whole perspective shift, I felt the same way and I think I can finally somewhat relate to those who say so.

>most people pathologise themselves, and this is the readily available conventional narrative.
>Here's my advice, and this is essential: you have to actually change your actual life conditions.

I think that, again, my subconscious will tell me a direction to move towards, it is interesting that this came after a year where I fell deep into an existencial crisis, a crisis of meaning, never read the heavy anthropology books if you're not ready, I certainly wasn't. But I think now I found my calling, or at least, the mere beginning of something.

It is a bit scary, I know I can never go back, into genuinely believing the goals and achievements imposed by mimetic desires have any worth, a few years ago my goal was to graduate and go work at a prestigious tech company, like the americans who boast about working at FAANG online, but now every desire vanished, I realized how utterly useless these things are, there are few things humans genuinely need to live actualized fulfilling lives, all this human self optimization gurus I see around me seem to stem from a societal neurosis, a result of the atomization of modernity.

I found this https://www.perell.com/blog/peter-thiel enlightening, I was playing this game and my subconscious took me out of it, while this new situation I find myself in can be scary, I do feel a sense of deep relief, I gained wisdom, I saw truth. Thank you anon.

[Anonymous No.14460601]

sounds like my experience with LSD OP

[Anonymous No.14460893]

>>14460340
>Here's my advice, and this is essential: you have to actually change your actual life conditions.
>Some people move, often 'back home' or to another country. People quit their jobs etc, often the tension can be dampened by buying motorcycles or getting a divorce...but it has to be more drastic than that.
How drastic we talking? Give some examples

[Anonymous No.14460943]

>>14460585
Ellul: the technological society
Ted: Industrial society and its future
Emerson: complete essays
Walden
Tolstoy: The kingdom of God is within you

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous No.14460973]

>>14460943
Thank you

[Anonymous No.14460987]

>>14460893
Cut your dick off and become a vessel for a gate opening.

[Anonymous No.14460995]

>>14460340
What is Saturn Returns?

[Anonymous No.14461001]

>>14460103
Read "Nature" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Nature really is grand. How did you get the chance to spend three weeks out there?

[Anonymous No.14461009]

>>14460995
oh never mind it’s an astrology thing

[Anonymous No.14461078]

>>14461001
>How did you get the chance to spend three weeks out there?

It's the small homestead of a families friend, they have their own solar panels/heaters, collect drinking water, grow their own vegetables and raise goats and chickens, it's small, cozy, humble, well maintained, like a house in a miyazaki movie, it doesn't take that much work in a day and the work that it's required it's extremely fulfilling since you're directly exposed to the fruits of your labour. It has a great view and it's not to far away from the village/city, since everyone my age now is going into the cities for studies/work most of the rural land is old and available for cheap.

A little bit of a rant, but, what some people my age are beginning to realize is that life in the city is not really all that worth for its ever increasing cost, it's a fun place to be in, dynamic, energetic, there's culture, but you adapt after a while as it happens with everything. It's getting ridiculously expensive so what I'm seeing is that smart techies who work remote are buying land out in the country and building small homesteads and are starting to raise families, the city seems to drain you as the economic node that you ultimately are, and since you barely reproduce because you either can't afford it or you're in a bad part of town you eventually will get replaced with cheap labour from abroad while the upper upper class reaps more financial rewards and reproduces itself, isolated from the dying gasps of the ever decreasing middle class, here most young people still live with their parents, wage growth has stagnated, yet prices for everything keep going up and up, infrastructure is crumbling, taxes are being badly used, public school quality and maintenance is also going down the drain and the suburbs around the capital city are all immigrant cheap labour that works in the capital for rich people. It's amazing to see in a way, there's really no sense that a country exists anymore, we're just an economy that needs to keep growing, GDP might be up but everything else is crumbling apart.

[Anonymous No.14461093]

Op here, who I really want to thank is solitude, not loneliness, but solitude, it's the most powerful thing you can do to get a clear understanding of life, no book can guide you as much as you can yourself. I finally understand Tarkovsky.

[Anonymous No.14461370]

>>14460534
>>14460893

This is now dangerous territory, I can't prescribe a specific act, it will depend on your point of departure, in the context of whatever the tension is in your life.

In response to this crisis people do all sorts of extreme and inappropriate things (as in, inappropriate to the psyche, not societal convention), like join a cult in an attempt to bypass the pain, or shoot up a nightclub to take it out on others.

Its an acute state when you resist what needs to be done, so you're vulnerable to 'answers' in the form of lifestyles, and especially, extreme ideologies.

Your looking for genuine catabasis, a descent, it must have the flavour of humiliation.
Basically you're trying to completely stop self-deceit, and the problem is you don't know how deeply you're likely deceiving yourself.
For Geroge Orwell it was leaving his privileged surroundings and washing dishes in Paris, no one knew him, no one and nothing external could reinforce his old habitual constricted personality, he had space for new growth and confidence stemmed from witnessing that he didn't lose anything he didn't need.

>>14460585
Great, but don't prematurely synthesise, you're trying to sound like you know whats going on and who you are and what you're doing, and thats fine to some extent, we need a handle, but stay open, respect the part of you that lead to this new wisdom, its wiser than 'you'.

Whats likely to happen now is that you won't go all the way. Most people don't, they feel a little bit better after adjusting their narrative, and continue as before, while the subconscious pressure builds up again.

[Anonymous No.14461462]

>>14461370
Op here, you're a wise anon, how can I pick your mind, do you blog

[Anonymous No.14461479]

>>14461370
>Basically you're trying to completely stop self-deceit, and the problem is you don't know how deeply you're likely deceiving yourself.

I feel this, I'm wondering if there's ever an end to this self deceiving or if it just keeps going and going

[Anonymous No.14461521]

>>14461479
Perhaps not an absolute end, but you can become pretty authentic, enough to feel integral most if not all the time, it gives people a tremendous gravitas.

>>14461462
Nah, I just post on /lit/

[Anonymous No.14461540]

>>14461521
How did you gain all this knowledge about human behavior, you mentioned you went to a similar experience, can you write about it, I like your writing.

[Anonymous No.14461553]

>>14460103
YES I LOVE BEING ALONE IM SO CHANGED NOW TIME TO ANNOUNCE HOW DIFFERENT AND CHANGED I AM ON 4CHAN.ORG YEP I SURE DID GET BETTER

[Anonymous No.14461563]

>>14460560
Back Pain, mental disorders, the gout, pigeon toe, the list goes on.

[Anonymous No.14461564]

>>14461370
Well, its funny you should say that, last year I moved to a country where I don't speak the language, I live hours from the nearest major city, and pretty much all I do is read, write, and pray. My friends from home are all but gone and I cut every romantic connection as well. This has been a time of purification but also intense loneliness and depression. With any luck I'll be starting my PhD next year which should be a chance to reintegrate into the world and keep my footing in the internal isolation I've been trying to pare down to.

[Anonymous No.14461583]

And this is a Schizophrenia Prodrome.

[Anonymous No.14461591]

>>14461583
Potentially yes, it has a manic quality.

[Anonymous No.14461622]

>>14461583
>>14461591
OP here, please no, I'm reasonably healthy.

[Anonymous No.14461625]

>>14461583
>>14461591
Nah, he's just young and alienated.

[Anonymous No.14461651]

>>14460601
Tell me more anon