/prosecrit/ Post some non poetry works and get feedback. Please for the love of god respond to someone.

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Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:14:33 2019 No.14083395 [Reply] [Original]

/prosecrit/
Post some non poetry works and get feedback. Please for the love of god respond to someone.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:15:48 2019 No.14083401 tfw i have 200+ apus on my phone

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:18:07 2019 No.14083414 >>14083401 And how does that make you feel, anon?

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:18:11 2019 No.14083415

I heard a knocking at my bedroom door which wasn't that far from me. As soon as I got up I went to open it and there was a man with a woman standing there. Her hair was straight and it was a lady. He was very polite and I told her to 'be nice', she was pretty hot though. I also told her I wanted her to come over and have a glass of water and we sat down. He said 'Well, I've got a couple of people I need to talk to'. When I started to open the door to go in he said 'Go on, I will ask them for you as I am very busy'. I started to open the door again but he said 'No, he is busy'. I got up the door again and he said 'Well, I am going to ask them for you'.
I have been with him regularly for about 6 months. I was with him and he introduced me to someone who knew the family for a while, and that is when I first met the woman that I have been with. She said, 'Well, as you said...' and before I even could interrupt her she stop me with a kiss.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:19:49 2019 No.14083421 >>14083414 I think apu is cute. I want an apu plushie.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:20:33 2019 No.14083425 >>14083415 Is there a style that you are trying to emulate? Your character description is very abbreviated. The perspective is also rather confusing. I can't tell who's point of view this is supposed to be from.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:21:51 2019 No.14083429

Selection from a short story / proem I've been working on for a while.

It reached the depths of my heart, I still didn't want to make it clear that this love affair was based purely on the fact of their respective personalities, as though the two would never be able to become one, to the utter astonishment of both sisters. The sisters couldn't do anything for each other.
In order, I was going to use up all my energy while in bed. After that, I would be able to come to the living rooms of the siblings, and give them the full story about the strange events involving us. I could even have them give me some hints on an upcoming meeting.
"I'm sorry. I'm going to be late."
I was going to have to give it as my last words. It had all been a joke from yesterday night. If my words were too loud and distracting, then no one would be able to hear them.
I was about to stand up when I noticed something on the edge of my bed. My heart pounded, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I hurriedly sat up.
It was a picture of me.
A handsome young man with my hair dyed a bright red. The top half of his face was covered by a hat, the bottom half was dyed a strange dark-red. From that look alone, his face couldn't possibly be of a different gender.
In the middle of my chest, and I mean right between the two breasts, there was a red apple embedded in the flesh.
The apple was shaped like an apple with a hole, and was a kind of food.
"Eh? Hey, if I eat it, I can see the inside of someone's chest. What's happening?"
At that moment, a girl with short black hair that looked like a rose appeared.
She was a red maid on a red horse, and looked very similar in appearance to a woman. She had an interesting face.
"Megu, I have no idea in particular. Do you want to see the inside of her chest?"
"No, why would I do that?"
"…….Oh."
The girl shook her head vigorously, and looked quite sad.
She spoke with a trembling voice, and her whole body trembled.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:23:04 2019 No.14083432 >>14083425 It's supposed to be straightforward.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:24:39 2019 No.14083440 >>14083415 The description is very bland and the grammar is off in some places. The dialogue is two dimensional. The story is also quite confusing

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:28:08 2019 No.14083451 >>14083440 I don't understand your problem with it.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:32:43 2019 No.14083473

Quickly, the man became mad because the man had asked him a question. The man was confused because he felt someone was watching him and then had forgotten the question. He did not want to answer the man's question. All the while the man was in front of him, and the man did not hear the man shout. He could hear the man's footsteps. The man was angry because he would think he was being watched. They started to fight because the man wanted to know how the man was going to catch up with him.

The man tried to walk away slowly and then turned to face the man and said, "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I told you, you are being watched now."

"Well, why should I just have a normal man just stop and let me pass through?"

The other man looked at him. "If I tell you the truth that you had the ability to see what I saw, how are you going to believe me?"

The man felt confused by the man's question since he had not told the other man everything

"I was sent here by the gods to study the history and the culture of this realm. I had the vision of a beautiful goddess, but there were also other ones as well."

The other man looked at him. "Wow, I am so confused. Do you know what exactly I am talking about?"

"Yes, that's what I don't understand."

"Well, you can't believe everything you see, can you?"

"It is not that simple! But I have to believe that this goddess of the heavens, that woman who looked as human as ever, that you are the one who sent me here and that it was indeed a vision. That is something very important that is beyond me."

The other man's face changed greatly.

The man couldn't believe what looked like a god's form of the heavens and the Earth.

The two humans spoke with a grave expression.

And then, a loud noise started to come from within the mountain range.

And this was when the god of monsters—Laraz, who was supposed to be the last one alive—suddenly became a person.

Beside the person who was already in the form of the monster called the God of Monsters, there was a human being.

That person was called Liliyn.

Liliyn was a human who was able to see the other god, Laraz, and that was a very difficult task for her. In other words, it was an extremely important matter.

It was an important matter even more than the name 'God of Monsters' because the monsters from the world of the living, were called monsters. If only Liliyn could be a god in that world as well, then they would be able to understand the meaning of the matter.

For the humans in the real world, monsters were just a matter of fact. If you lived in the same world as the monsters, you would not be able to understand what their mind was about. For that reason, it was important that there was a god that was able to see the other gods and know their mind.

To be able to see the other deities, it was necessary that there was a god who could see them. In that sense, there was really only one god. That one god was called Liliyn. This was the most important thing.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:38:11 2019 No.14083490

"i hate niggers. i hate their stupid monkey faces. i want to kill them all - no - i want to round them all up and throw them into a big pit and let them run around the pit naked giving each other AIDS. it would probably take mere weeks or even days for the AIDS to spread to the entire population of the nigger pit, depending on the size and density. this would be better than killing them, because we could use the pit as a weapon. the french had the guillotine. my ideal society would have the nigger AIDS pit. anyone caught stealing or murdering, or other niggerish things would get thrown into the nigger AIDS pit as punishment. it may sound ridiculous, but truly it's already been done before. the nigger AIDS pit was already conceived of long before before i was even born, by a person called God. he built the pit and called it Africa."

this is what raced through my mind as the nigress cashier at Bob's Stores Footwear and Apparel™ rang up my Nike™ Everyday Cushion Crew socks. unfortunately, i looked at her and she looked at me. my being existed inside her perception, and that really grossed me out. she handed me my receipt, "have nice day."

i reluctantly accepted the piece of trash and replied "you too, have a white christmas!" putting extra emphasis on the "white."

as i turned and started towards the door, i threw the receipt into the bag which contained my socks and wiped my hand off on my pants. not because i'm a racist who didn't want her nigger germs on my pure alabaster hands, but because i didn't want any micro-plastic hormone disruptors getting absorbed into my skin and turning me gay. as i did this, though, i realized that people might see and think i was a racist, when really i'm just a bit anal about the poison i let into my body. i turned around to check and made eye contact with that monkey who had just ruined my evening. no one else was looking at me, so i just finished my escape from this harshly fluorescent and seemingly nigger-infested building into the open air of a cold december night.

everyone in my family is always stealing my socks, so i have to buy them frequently.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:54:18 2019 No.14083553

"God, will this bitch shut up?!" The words poured from his mouth unfiltered, feelings he believed were locked behind the wall of his mind came spilling forth, accented with vulgarity. "I mean, who are you trying to impress? Do you think anyone cares?"
The woman dropped the phone from the side of her head, mouth agape.
"Oh! Look at me!" He increased the pitch of his voice, hands writing in mock gesticulation. "I'm a fancy fucking businesswoman, having a loud conversation on public transit! I'm important, right? Would somebody pleaaase tell me I'm important?!" He quickly brought his hand over his mouth, but the damage was done.

The woman, loose curls wrapped around a trembling finger, searched for a sympathetic face.Finding none she eventually met her attacker's gaze, mouth twisted in disgust. She closed her eyes, bravely drew in a breath, and said;
"Have sex incel"

The entire car roared with applause and scattered laughter, an overweight gentleman grabbed the verbal assailant by the shoulders and threw him against the side of the car. A small girl walked up to him, no older than 13 with hair dyed blonde and wearing green and white dress, spotted with daisies at random intervals. She swiftly kicked him in the balls,laughing as she did so.
Cries of "Have sex", echoed throughout the train car, punctuated by guffaws of mocking laughter.

>>14083473
I can tell that you're doing this obfuscating stuff on purpose and while it's clever, the dialogue feels a bit stilted? I can't offer tips as my own dialogue is shit but most people have an innate understanding of the flow of dialogue, even if they can't write it. What's the context behind this scene? I'm interested.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 11:57:17 2019 No.14083561 >>14083553 It's the first page of my fantasy novel about gods and monsters and humans. It's also a detective story. Lillyn is the god and man of the shadow realm and she helps the two men solve their mysteries all the while.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:04:30 2019 No.14083580 >>14083553 >>14083561 Also it's not meant to be obfuscating. Why do you think that?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:07:01 2019 No.14083586 >>14083580 You refer to multiple characters as "him" or "the man" , without naming them, or describing or writing them in a way that denotes them as being distinct entities.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:08:02 2019 No.14083590 >>14083586 They're just one man actually

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:10:52 2019 No.14083600

(1/2)
The warlock could, by making its touch more intense, become more dangerous, for the touch of its power would create a force that was in fact more dangerous than any of the other magi of their school. This power was so powerful that even if one of these magi was to die of the force, the power of the entire academy would be threatened.
It wasn't something that he could easily control. Even as he gazed at the school grounds filled with blood and carnage, he could not shake off the fear of his past self. No matter how much he did, he could not find the answers he had so long desired.
He thought back to what he had once seen while in his past body. He remembered that when he was a student, there was a young girl who was the youngest of her class. While walking through the school grounds, she was caught by the student council, who held no remorse in what they did. As she lay there with her eyes closed, she was taken from her seat, dragged down the corridor and put inside an airship as a test subject of an experimental biological technology.
In the dark of the night, the girl was placed in this airship, one made out of glass and metal, with the pilot sitting in the center seat.
Once inside, a metal door shut and a window open, and this airship took off on its journey.
When they returned to the school a few days later, the girl was gone. The girl was found in an underground area of the building, with her eyes closed. According to the doctors who operated on her, she suffered from a severe case of amnesia, no longer remembering the events of the day the experiments took place, and that she was placed in the airship by herself. The doctor reported that she was very confused, almost like someone else in the room, but at other times seemed very aware of her surroundings. She never opened her eyes after she had entered the airship and had been completely shut in for atleast three-four hours. The doctors said that although she had never been exposed to any other type of energy or material prior to being in the room, after leaving her quarters it was clear that she had received some type of power or chemical compound from her surroundings. After the doctors had taken photos of the victim, the police were notified and she was charged with three counts of felony for allegedly murdering three persons who had recently been introduced to the girl when she had been locked in jail for all those years.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:11:51 2019 No.14083610
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I started scribbling the opening of a short story about my great-grandfather on my phone while I was walking home one night. I have a few full pages written now so I can post other excerpts when I get to work and have my laptop instead of just my phone.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:16:30 2019 No.14083626

>>14083600
(2/2)
After the doctors had taken photos of the victim, the police were notified and she was charged with three counts of felony for allegedly murdering three persons who had recently been introduced to the girl when she had been locked in jail for all those years. Her previous record showed that she had a long, long history of crimes against human beings.
The victim's next trial started in May 2015 and the trial had been scheduled to end December 17. The court sentenced her to two years to life in prison.
However, the judge decided to hold a retrial because it was too late for her new attorney. He had tried to fight to free her, but the judge ordered another lawyer for her so that no mistake would be made in the case. He added a jail term for the victim from one to three years in the court.
The prosecutor decided to drop the murder charges too, and instead he tried to prove that the girl had faked her injuries to get out of jail. He told some psychiatrists that she had become mentally unstable, and had become suicidal and psychotic by threatening to kill herself, and he had given her a psychiatric questionnaire.
The prosecutors did not bother to question her, but instead asked a hospital worker in charge of the girl's care what he thought. The doctor said that the girl was not psychotic. When he asked her if she was trying to get out of a jail sentence, and if she hadn't had any mental health problems for several years, she said that yes she had faked her injuries because she had been threatened to kill herself. A few days later the girl told her relatives, who went to an elderly female relative who had been sent for a psychiatric evaluation to confirm everything that the prosecutor had told her.
The prosecutor had tried to convince the hospital worker that the girl could have faked her injuries to get out, but when the girl's relatives went to the hospital a month later and spoke to the doctor about what the girl told them, he came out of retirement and reported that the girl had actually suffered a fractured skull.
He also wrote the doctor a letter on the subject. The doctor wrote back with the following conclusion: "The mother's story is in the opinion of the doctor to be without foundation."
After that, things heated up and the girl and her father both filed a complaint against the doctor with the police. The woman also filed a case against him for defaming the girl.
The judge also ordered the doctor to pay about R$100,000 to the girl's family. He is scheduled to be sentenced on November 3 for defaming the child.

A court hearing is scheduled for January 9 with the family expected to appeal to the High Court if he is sentenced to jail time.

The doctor's lawyer, however, has denied the case was fabricated and instead claims it was a case of "rape on all counts."

The warlock, who had no prior convictions and had nothing to hide, is being protected by his former employer at the hospital as the story makes international headlines.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:32:04 2019 No.14083688 Holy shit these are all good. I really, really want to post my poetry in my thread, but I won't cause this is a prose thread, but it still sucks that I can't.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:35:26 2019 No.14083705 >>14083415 Whatever you're doing, do the opposite.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:36:16 2019 No.14083708 >>14083425 >>14083440 >>14083705 Samefag

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:41:43 2019 No.14083733 >>14083708 Yeah man. Don’t post in a crit thread if you can’t take criticism. Also there are too many leeches in these threads. I know you guys like being harsh so please respond to people.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:43:49 2019 No.14083748 >>14083708 Why do you think that? The poster's writing was incomprehensible shit clearly written by somebody who either barely speaks english or has a learning disability.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:52:19 2019 No.14083785 >>14083748 And the rest of this thread isn't?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:54:10 2019 No.14083798 >>14083785 Nobody claimed otherwise.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:54:36 2019 No.14083799 >>14083785 It might be. But none of the other authors have either received criticism or responded like you have.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:58:53 2019 No.14083813 >>14083799 Says more about them than it does of me I think

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 12:59:12 2019 No.14083814

>>14083429
>After that, I would be able to come to the living rooms of the siblings, and give them the full story about the strange events involving us. I could even have them give me some hints on an upcoming meeting.

Reread this sentence. Are you writing like this on purpose? It's weird and stilted. Unless you think you have good reason to do this, I'd try to make this whole story sleeker, and smoother to read.

>If my words were too loud and distracting, then no one would be able to hear them

Another example. Do you mean "would have been able to?" Otherwise you're switching tenses. Maybe this is part of some master plan that you have but I doubt that. If so, rewrite.

>his face was dyed dark red?
What does that mean? Painted?

Tbh I had a hard time following what was happening. A guy is in bed. Sees a picture of himself with his face dyed red? There's an apple where his sternum normally is? Then the character wants to eat the apple in the picture of him? I thought it was a picture?

>the apple was shaped like an apple
bruh

Then a big tiddy goth gf magically appears on a horse and now she's red?

Tbh one of the worst things I've red in a critique thread. I was going to drop my story in after giving you a critique but after reading this what could anyone on this board tell me. Lmao

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:00:27 2019 No.14083821 >>14083813 >>14083799 >>14083798 either of you guys want to critique my story? I'm the anon who just critiqued >>14083429

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:01:00 2019 No.14083824 >>14083814 Post work pussy

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:03:05 2019 No.14083827 >>14083821 Where is your story broseph

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:05:37 2019 No.14083835

>>14083824
>>14083827
Yes, it started when she held me and started kissing me and taking off my clothes and touching me. He asked me what I wanted and I told him what I wanted was to take him to the bedroom and we would make love. And it happened then and there. I had no chance to say "No". Because when you are scared your mind thinks that you have to do something to get yourself out of a situation. It could be because you were afraid about what people could think if you said you didn't want it. Or it could be because you were afraid for how he would react and it scared you even more. When you find out what it really looks like is that a guy has just asked you out and you are not interested, and you can't think straight. When you come back home you think about what it could be. Your mum will be mad at you for leaving and she is often right, but the truth is in no way, not at that moment, had anything happened you should have just walked back to your room and gone back to sleep.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:06:25 2019 No.14083839 >>14083814 >>the apple was shaped like an apple >bruh kek

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:08:05 2019 No.14083854 >>14083835 wtf this isn't me brosephs I'll post mine after this post

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:08:21 2019 No.14083856 >>14083813 That your story is remarkably bad and poorly written

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:09:46 2019 No.14083863

>>14083824
>>14083827
Brief bit of my story is below

“you see, the thing is, I’m all pure, habituated instinct. Haven’t deliberated in ages.”
“oh well, uh”
“Yeah you confront me with a decision, important, meaningless, in between, don’t matter. I’ll act right outta hand on that sonnabitch.”
“…”
“And normally, you know, you mighta be thinking that’s all problematic and so on. Cuz what’s a stoppin’ me from acting all crazy like, if that’s what I’m fixed towards. But it really ain’t so. I been done up by the finest neuropsychologist around. Got me all Pavloved up and ready to rumble.”
“but’ve you ever done the ~kenosha kid~?”
“Reckon I don’t know what you’re babblin’ bout, I’m ‘fraid.”
“It’s a stupid ref-“
“Don’t mean to interrupt ya, or nothin’ but I figure, well hell, we all antsy to know, what’s stoppin’ ya from meanderin’ down to the ol’ lab yourself. And getting fixed up right by the doc?”
“They’re stopping me, I find”
“Well, I don’t reckon I know too much about the big bad hidden dios you’re so keen to ponti-fi-cate ‘bout. But I ain’t do too much figurin’ anyway, after the conditioning ‘n’ all.”
“…”
“Again, don’t mean to step on those pretty litl’ toes of yours or nutin’, but what really makes you get up outta bed and fix your hair up like that and get on to the day ahead? I know you ain’t dumb cuz that hairstyle ain’t for no fool to fix.”
“Look, I appreciate your interest in my innermost dispositions and desires, but r-really, I’d like to just neck my Modelo, ‘til I’m dizzy, that’s all.”
“Awright I ain’t ever intended to push you, don’t get all fussy with me now.”
“I-I like to open my laptop up, you know, first thing in morning, all cozy, blankets wrapped under my heels. See the fresh batch of comments, upvotes, articles. That sorta stuff. I, not too sound too ambitious, would also like to change the wo-“
“See which way the world turnin’”
“Y-Yes, that’s sort of always there for me, I guess. Hasn’t let me down yet.”
“You don’t have no who? Somebody who you like to keep truckin’ for?”
“Whom, I think you meant.”
“Who, which, what, way, son. I’m gonna step me outside and fire up one of these fags. My parder Merle tells me that’s what they call them over on the proper coast of the Atlantic. Rolled me these ones myself. Still can’t be-lieve they outlawed that smokin’ indoors. Sumn’ the Krauts still got on us, I reckon.”
“I don’t think they like to be called that…”

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:10:51 2019 No.14083871

>>14083863
2/2

“What Krauts? Ain’t nothin’ but harmless fairplay, reckon they think we’re all regular billy the kids out here anyway.”
“T-that’s not what I was referri-“
“Well, pardner, hasta le vistay, I reckon. Feel free to step outside wit me, share a fag, if you’re so inclined. Heh, you know what I was intenden.”
“Not sure I can say I d-“
The man with the mustache slipped out the back, glass-plated door. Malboro gold glowing red in the nighttime darkness beyond the interior warmth. The parking lot in the back had no clear demarcation between smoking area and parking zone. The porousness of the border striking to the impersonal observer, which, of course, there are none of. The streetlights broke up an otherwise clear view of the mackerel clouds buffering the toenail moon, waning as it was. The smoke rose above his mustache, drifting gently up to join the autumn sky.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:11:32 2019 No.14083872 >>14083863 Worse than mine

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:13:30 2019 No.14083887 >>14083872 go on now, explain plz

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:17:42 2019 No.14083901

>>14083872
Homie his story at least reads like he didn’t learn English by reading shampoo bottles. Now hush

>>14083871
Dialogue reads like the characters are on strings. Too call and response, too “what the character says is Preordained and not too reliant on what the other character says”. Also the faux southern flavor isn’t necessarily poorly done, but could use some fine tuning for sure. Read some shitty southern novels written by actual southerners, only to tighten up how the characters talk. Otherwise it is a solid piece

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:21:21 2019 No.14083917 >>14083901 i appreciate it anon, I'll try to make the dialogue more natural

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 13:59:35 2019 No.14084057 Bump

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 14:17:42 2019 No.14084138

Alright, since I started this thing I'll try to critique the posts I haven't gotten to, or those posts that haven't been crit'd
>>14083490
I read this unironically, hoping you'd surprise me in some way. But everything here has been done to death, had its grave dug up by a black person,all valuables stolen, and buried again. >>14083600
>>14083626
Your structure of "thing, exposition of the thing" is repetitive to me. See
>young girl, who was the youngest of her class
>airship, one made of glass and metal
>school grounds, filled with blood and carnage
Other than that you are a fine technical writer, although you spend a long time explaining some pretty basic stuff and there is no real hook in this snippet.
>>14083610
>other facts conflicted
a bit passive, I should know as everyone tells me that I use too much passive voice. Honestly the description of his accomplishments or feats is confusing, and not in the way you intended.
>>14083835
Erotica is not my thing, so my only criticism of this is that my peepee still soft.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 14:46:11 2019 No.14084270

The tall man sat on the bench and was calm. He was a good listener and very calm and quiet. We had no clue why his parents were in such dire straits, and at one point I thought it had something to do with him being a gay kid and the family having no money. Then we found out he was in the hospital with what had been described as a "fever." He said, "No, there's no fever, it's nothing to be frightened of." All I could think was, This is an insane, crazy person.

And that's exactly what it was. The whole thing was just a massive train wreck. I couldn't believe what was happening. And when he said he would have to talk, I said, 'Well, go ahead.' We talk, but it's a very, very emotional conversation. But he said it was something I had to do, and I said, 'OK.' I think it was really good."

It was a remarkable confession. In fact, it was like telling a great big lie.

"I went through three, four different psychiatrists before they finally said, 'OK – I'll have to refer you to a specialist,'" she continues. "I had a terrible, horrible experience there, I knew that at least the doctor said he wouldn't refer me to any of those professionals. And that's basically as serious a decision as you can make, and I knew they'd say it was a good thing, and that they would support me when I was really depressed, but I didn't want to make a big mistake. The psychologist said to me, there would be lots of other people in my position.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 14:55:42 2019 No.14084316

>>14084270
>The tall man sat on the bench and was calm. He was a good listener and very calm and quiet.
Change this, it's too similarly constructed.
Generally, the story is confusing. You haven't set the scene, so I don't know how to picture what is happening, you've described a situation, one that appears to be in the past, and haven't described what is happening in the present.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 14:57:50 2019 No.14084325 >>14084316 I think I described it fairly well.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 14:59:11 2019 No.14084332 >>14084325 That's fine and well, its a given that everyone itt is simply providing opinions. Although why ask for critique and reject it outright? Two people itt have done that. It's weird.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:04:26 2019 No.14084365 >>14083415 is the narrator autistic? how about the author?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:06:02 2019 No.14084376 >>14084332 Maybe because y'all are giving shit advice? idk Like look at this >>14084365

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:10:42 2019 No.14084397

>>14084376
Ok well that dude got fine advice, ignored it completely and to top it all off he’s a bit of a shit writer frankly. Like, most stories in here are technically competent even if they aren’t good. His piece reads like a chimp was given a collection of random sentences and whatever order it put them in was typed into a word processor and called a story.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:21:07 2019 No.14084444

>>14083415
This is so difficult to parse that it's almost impressive. I genuinely don't know what the fuck you're trying to express on any level. I can't figure out how many characters are here, where they are, what they're doing, who they're talking to, or any other element of what is supposed to be conveyed. It makes me feel like I'm having a stroke.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:40:49 2019 No.14084555 >>14084397 >>14084444 I'm starting to think /lit/ can't read.

>>	a_poor_sinner !!eiHxl4pZe1i Wed Oct 30 15:51:43 2019 No.14084620 >>14083415 I like it. These brainlets don't get it. Go on, spirit. Tell your tale.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 15:56:08 2019 No.14084655 >>14084555 I feel like it was written by the same guy who mystified everybody with that "underwater weighing test" thread

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:02:28 2019 No.14084692 >>14084655 Link?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:04:16 2019 No.14084707 >>14084620 what could you possibly like about it? Even if you get past the awful prose the story itself is so contrived and boring.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:05:27 2019 No.14084713 >>14084707 You haven't even read the story. It's even better in context.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:07:41 2019 No.14084726 >>14084713 lmao do you know how colloquial english works? Obvi I meant, "the vignette that he posted." I highly doubt that anything in connection with the strings of words that was posted would be aptly described as "better"

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:08:52 2019 No.14084733 >>14084713 Also wtf are you so sensitive? The bit you posted isn't good or interesting. Why post if you're just going to dogmatically defend your vignette no matter what?

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:15:08 2019 No.14084772

>>14084726
>>14084733
(This is the next part) (1/2)
This wasn't even the first time this had happened. After I met the man and woman outside my door I decided it was enough and that I should really see someone about my nightmares. I went outside the next day and was greeted by the local sheriff. I told the lady who came to my door that I think my neighbor is crazy. The woman was very very apologetic. I felt a little guilty, but there was only one thing I wanted to say to her before I headed off to speak to the sheriff. I looked at the woman at the door with a look of concern on my face. I had met this guy outside of my house twice in my life and this was the first time I had had the experience of hearing him talking to a person. I told the sheriff that I thought he was nuts. I then told him that when I heard him talking to the woman outside my house I wondered how he kept doing that. The sheriff and the lady did some work investigating, both concluded that the man and woman was probably just friends and we just shared in the sound of conversations from time to time. I never went to the cops and that was never about the lady. For me if it makes it clear, it is the lady. I just want to address all the questions that have been raised and not answer all of them. I have been in contact with the county attorney about it and will hopefully have it answered there and soon else I'll be delighted to shed some mayhem on their office... Anyway, the man and woman were no dear friends of mine. It would be no surprise if they're still in the house that I believe is where the murder occurred. It's just an odd way to make a living... I hate it.
I could care less if they're still alive or not... They are my family members and they have no right to hurt me like that. I'm going to write up the letter to the press... it's the only thing I can do... I need money...
I was promised a job. In the letter, she writes that I could have a "career" before I died; it could be my parents' last job too... In her email to the FBI, when she reads that I'm writing this letter, she tells the person that I am on the brink of suicide: "I have a heart condition that requires me to eat a lot of food. If I have to go to hospital to take my medication... I will die." She also suggests that if she's found out in the meantime, the FBI would contact them "as soon as possible."

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:21:36 2019 No.14084813

>>14084772
The FBI, you see, wants this. They want this because, after all, they have "the right"--and the obligation--to protect me and make sure I don't die. The FBI doesn't have to care what's with the man and woman knocking at my door to talk about me. I'm the one they're going after, the one they want to lock up--and why? For doing nothing about those who want to kill me.

You see, the FBI knows why they want me and why I want them. The FBI has been doing its job, keeping me safe for over two decades. They have kept me safe because they know that I have made them aware that there are people in the United States who are willing to do violence and do it on a global level to me and my loved ones. They know that I would do anything to protect my family and that their mission will be accomplished because they, the FBI, are not willing to stand up to this world that wants to kill me and to make sure I live.
Today, the FBI, this corrupt agency that is disregarding the threat the man and woman at my door are to myself and my loved ones, is not only ignoring the issue, but has gone so far as to make it impossible for me to legally carry a weapon because they don't want my firearms.

This doesn't sound like an ordinary case. This is a crime against the public.

If that's not a federal crime, what is? If this is merely a violation of state laws, then how did the police in the city of Orlando (which is just south of Orlando) decide on the grounds of their jurisdiction that I would risk losing my home and my job for carrying a firearm? This violates the U.S. Constitution and all our Constitutional freedoms because it places an arbitrary restriction upon one's right to lawfully bear arms for self-defense.
Unfortunately, we are in a different America, a country which is far more dangerous for police officers, as evidenced by recent incidents in Dallas, Ferguson and Albuquerque with their use of military-style equipment, deadly force, and illegal searches and seizures. Why did Mark Twain not realize the danger that comes with new technology; why did Edgar Allen Poe not recognize the dangers that come with new technologies; in fact, why has the technology been largely taken for granted in the US? In this chapter we will explore the problems we face in developing a new, better, safer and more effective policing technology, as well as the challenges and opportunity that lie ahead for the police and the community. The first half of this chapter is a review of what has changed over the years and the role that technology has played in our society. The second half of the chapter looks at the challenges and opportunities facing police and communities in the 21st century. It is a comprehensive look at the role of technology in police work and the future of policing.
And so it begins...

(The there would be a blank page then a page with the title in big letters "THIS IS WHAT U WANT: A yarn of anger, rage, despair, and, ultimately, peace")

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:21:41 2019 No.14084814
File: 10 KB, 260x194, lpp.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>14084772
>The woman was very very apologetic.
>I felt a little guilty, but there was only one thing I wanted to say to her before I headed off to speak to the sheriff.
The sheriff and the lady did some work investigating, both concluded that the man and woman was probably just friends and we just shared in the sound of conversations from time to time.
>investigating, both concluded
>was
>For me if it makes it clear, it is the lady
I just want to address all the questions that have been raised and not answer all of them.
>just
>have been raised and not answer all of them

and i'm not even cherrypicking these are consecutive sentences

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:24:33 2019 No.14084840 >>14084814 It's written in dialect. Not supposed to be grammarly correct all the time.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:26:12 2019 No.14084859 File: 8 KB, 300x168, wcl.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>14084840 >it's supposed to be wrong >grammarly kek this is great stuff

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:27:27 2019 No.14084869 >>14084859 kek have you never read Joyce, Faulker, Keats?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:30:08 2019 No.14084885 >>14084869 >grammarly >i-it's on purpose. I swear. Read portrait!!

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:32:01 2019 No.14084893 >>14084885 Maybe you can actually try to argue against the points I made rather than pick apart grammar mistakes?

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:35:00 2019 No.14084918

>>14084893
OP here. Forget grammatical and technical criticisms for a sec. read each block of four lines as a singular snippet. Ask yourself if the ideas present in one snippet cohere with the ideas present in the proceeding or successive snippet. Maybe I’m a knuckle dragging man ape and you’re James Joyce incarnate, but almost nothing you have written makes any sense.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:37:50 2019 No.14084943

>>14084893
you'll never write a good story without mastery of grammar. Joyce and Faulkner were making mistakes on purpose. There was a reason to it. You just are an incompetent English speaker. If you don't see the difference you have no hope. If you do, then you'll thank me when you start to learn some grammar.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:41:01 2019 No.14084965

>>14084918
Example?
>>14084943
I do it on purpose, too. The narrator is an ESL from Hungary with a double digit IQ and paranoid schizophrenia. If you can't appreciate what I'm doing I don't care, but don't go around giving your opinions where they aren't wanted.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:43:45 2019 No.14084979

>>14084965
Why would you say opinions aren't wanted in a crit thread. It is truly hilarious that the person who got the most critiques was someone who belligerently rejected any and all criticism he received and purposefully wrote a confusing story in broken english. I'm genuinely impressed, you might be a genius.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:45:03 2019 No.14084987 >>14084965 you literally posted the whole story because I was criticizing it. You asked for my opinions lmao. again: >i-it's on purpose >grammarly never gonna make it

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:45:40 2019 No.14084993 >>14084979 I just don't care for bad opinions and I haven't seen a good one yet lol >inb4 "but that's what you just said!"

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:47:32 2019 No.14085001 >>14084979 >might be a genius >grammarly >>14084993 >opinions that criticize my unintelligible story are bad

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:47:35 2019 No.14085002 >>14084987 It was just a simple ctrl+c, ctrl+v. Again, I acknowledge my writing is purposefully awkward and confusing so there's no need to point that out to me. I'm getting published and you're not?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:48:50 2019 No.14085013 File: 37 KB, 461x394, 1572410077420.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>14085001 >NOOOOO YOU CAN'T WRITE LIKE THAT THAT'S NOT HOW MS ELLIS TAUGHT US Yeah try me kid lol

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:50:30 2019 No.14085026 >>14085002 Just- It's grammatically. Grammarly is an app.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:51:23 2019 No.14085030

>>14085002
You didn't say grammarly in the story. You said it defending yourself. You have no mastery of language, it's extraordinarily clear to everyone who has read your string of sentences.

>i'm getting published and you're not?

Is that a question? Because I have been published. And it's very clear you never will be.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:53:08 2019 No.14085041 >>14085030 What's an artist if not his characters? And yes I'm in the process of getting published. Would love to see your work because it's really suspect.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:57:24 2019 No.14085081 ITT: Unplublished basedboys SEETHE at a master of their craft

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:58:46 2019 No.14085085

>>14085041
What are you publishing in anon? I published a few short stories in college literary magazines as an undergraduate. I'm now a grad student in philosophy in which I've published an article in a top journal. Over winter break I'll put some stuff together that I've been working on and send it out.
So please tell me about your publishing record?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:59:10 2019 No.14085090 >>14085081 This thread is significantly more hostile than the poetry thread, maybe we've learned something today. At least people give feedback here.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 16:59:12 2019 No.14085091 >>14083429 you are at the stage where you knowwhat goodwriting sounds like, so dont give up

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:00:01 2019 No.14085096 >>14085081 nice samefag

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:01:11 2019 No.14085105 >>14085091 >>14083814 Did you read the story you encouraged? >the apple was shaped like an apple

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:02:04 2019 No.14085108 >>14085085 I've mailed this novella and other stories to different publishers and right now I'm waiting to hear back. >college literary magazines kek any student can get in those >article in a top journal Irrelevant to our discussion

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:03:07 2019 No.14085117 >>14085105 I don't think that's bad. It's nice imagery.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:05:13 2019 No.14085130

>>14085108
>i'm in the process
>has only submitted

that is something literally anyone can do. The most selective zine i published in had a high rejection rate. Have you ever published in a college literary mag?

>irrelevant to our discussion
It's really not. I am a published author and you're not. A group of smart people have judged something I wrote to be worthy of publishing. Read a contemporary philosophy article from Phil. review, Phil studies, or ethics. The writing shows a mastery of language. One that you don't have.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:06:18 2019 No.14085137 >>14085117 i have no objection to telling people to not give up. That's fine. But acting as if anything in that string of sentences is nice imagery is delusional

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:06:48 2019 No.14085140

Here's some genre fiction I wrote in high school, thinking about finishing it. Hasn't been updated in 6 years, thoughts?

Nothing stirs your appetite like a dead dog and dysentery.
Wyatt put out the nub of a cigarette in a saucer of too salty french. The remains of a nibbled on Po’ Boy sat next to the saucer, the undercooked monstrosity had apparently attracted the attention of a family of houseflies. The smell of ash combined with the French Dip made him gag, not that the sight of the sandwich made him feel much better.
He didn’t smoke and he hardly ate, but his assistant had seen fit to bring him both food, and what had looked like a half-smoked cigarette. He stared at a coffee stained manilla folder on his desk for a bit,and he momentarily forgot that it served a purpose besides being a resting place for his coffee. Wyatt made excuses for a solid minute, but ultimately decided to use the case file as something other than a coaster.
Of course, “file” was a bit of a stretch. He ran his fingers over the words on the file, the glossy paper almost slid through his bony fingers.
“Lost puppy. Last seen three days ago, wearing a purple collar,” he mumbled to himself, rolling his eyes. “Fascinating.”
The parents were nine-to-fivers, the daughter a whiny nuisance, and the pay could barely buy him a nice dinner. On top of that, they could have cracked the case themselves. Like he said, fascinating.
Wyatt spent roughly two hours investigating. About two days after their dog went missing, a police officer was attacked and given rabies. The dog had the same collar, and the attack took place in the same neighborhood. The mystery was solved in less time than it would take for the officer to file his report. Not that Wyatt would complain about easy money.
Of course, the poor thing was put down, and Wyatt’s job was to find the dog, not tell them that it was dead. He reached into his pocket, his elbows making a loud pop as they adjusted.
He dialed the number the parents had given him, hoping they would still pay him after he broke the news.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:06:49 2019 No.14085141 >>14085130 I didn't go to college. Doubt you're that smart if you get mad at someone doubting your writing capabilities when you haven't even posted one of your stories?

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:07:55 2019 No.14085150 >>14085137 You haven't even defended your stance. Being smug ain't an argument, chief.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:11:11 2019 No.14085170

>>14085141
you don't have to be in college to submit to many college literary mags. Some of them you have to be a student at the school but others are open to submission with some restrictions.

>you can't be smart if you have certain psychological dispositions

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:13:22 2019 No.14085189

>>14085150
Good imagery is supposed to evoke something. Describing an object in terms of that object is not only redundant but actively bad. Saying an apple is shaped like something else is illuminating, because once you say apple people already are picturing an apple. but then saying it looks like something else gives details into exactly how to picture this apple in particular. As far as the rest of the stuff, look at the first critique of it. The story is non-sensical and even worse uninteresting.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:16:54 2019 No.14085212

I wrote this article for my school's newspaper.

In the post-scarcity society which is being built in the Western world, even if one were to buy a $10 cigar from a store one is still more likely to get one with nicotine. That same cigar might not come with "a lot of tobacco left." But there might be a whole box of 10 cigars and the box might already contain more nicotine than the cigar's owner can consume in its entirety within the lifetime of the purchase date.
That's why I don't smoke. I just don't need it.
How is that even possible? The answer is simple. Technology has become so advanced that people think they don't need any more. It is now very easy for a person to know when he needs something and when he doesn't.
Even a person could simply look at the number of hours a day he is awake. I would estimate the average amount of time that our brains are active is approximately 16 hours a day. If someone really is inhaling secondhand smoke 16 hours per day, then he or she is breathing a lot more than the average person! When our lungs are not in full flow, we cannot breathe properly, and the lungs become congested. These two issues, if left unchecked, can lead to chronic illness and death due to breathing so much smoke. This number of hours per day, as long as a person is still smoking, means that we are inhaling about 1,800,000 cigarettes a Day. A cigarette is a cigarette. You need cigarettes to smoke one.
The number of cigarettes smoked by an average adult in the US is around 28 a day. And the percentage of those cigarettes we smoke in each day varies greatly from city to city. The lowest numbers are around 30 or 50 cigarettes, while the highest numbers are over 100 cigarettes in many parts of the country. Many studies have found that people who study philosophy in undergrad don't necessarily smoke during college. But it's a very personal choice.
Most people agree that drinking can be a good thing, which is why it's popular in some cultures in which alcohol is an important part of the society. Some philosophers, however, have been saying that drinking should be discouraged. Philosophers David Hume and John Stuart Mill both said that one may sometimes have to choose whether or not to drink. They went as far as saying that most people do nothing but think, and that a society that allowed people to think should encourage people to think.
For some reason, Fichte argued that alcohol is part of the human condition, and that it makes us happy. And that's fine. As much as alcohol makes us happy, we're happy to have a free license to do whatever we want. But when you (or in this case, Hegel) think about it, then something's seriously amiss in the logic of this argument, right?
Not so fast, say Kant and Hegel. According to Kant's arguments, the problem is not about how we can enjoy our drink, but about how we can enjoy other things. And, though I be mistaken, ourselves are the only ones who can make this possible, so the next time you smoke think of Kant.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:18:13 2019 No.14085222 >>14085189 No he said it was shaped like an apple with a hole in it whoch is a whole nother thing than a normal, healthy apple that you say we think of though personally I doubt it.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:24:15 2019 No.14085266 >>14085212 Oops should be >They went as far as saying that most people do nothing but drink, and that a society that allowed people to drink should encourage people to drink.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 17:25:24 2019 No.14085276 >>14085266 Fuck it's >should encourage people to think.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:32:24 2019 No.14085983

>>14083395
Rated 4 out of 5 by Anonymous from Fantastic phone I've had this for 1 month and I love it. It connects without a hitch, it will do all your stuff with ease, it has excellent battery life, and it seems to be one of the best cheap phones on the market right now. In conclusion, it's a good phone.

Rated 5 out of 5 by kyle from Great phone I bought this phone around the last 3 days and love it. The one thing I'm disappointed about was that a lot of people seem to think it is going to be the worst phone ever. I personally, like the way it looks. I'm 5'11" with a 34" waist and it fits perfect. I have a lot of time to sit down and watch TV (4-6 screens), and like it because it works and I can use it around my house as my phone. It's extremely fast on all of my websites.

Rated 5 out of 5 by Anonymous from Great phone Excellent phone very fast on the download

Rated 5 out of 5 by Anonymous from Great phone This is the best phone for the money I have ever bought. My wife and I will be saving up our savings for next year and I just want a beautiful phone.

Rated 5 out of 5 by Anonymous from I love this phone It is a great size and is perfect for my purpose of having a phone that I can quickly and easily take anywhere.

Rated 5 out of 5 by Anonymous from So far, so good!!! I have been using this phone out in the yard since Saturday and I love it! I haven't even left the house since I got my phone this morning. My wife and I are super excited to learn that this is going to be the phone of our future. Love the fact that I get to do my laundry every night when we take walks in the yard!

Rated 4 out of 5 by Anonymous from Great phone The phone is great, it makes lots of noise and it gives a nice picture. Some of the features I'm not super happy about are the battery life and the camera. The battery life is on the low side sometimes, but other than that, I like this phone.

Rated 3 out of 5 by JohnW from I bought it but the screen cracked I got this phone before and the screen was pretty good. Once it cracked it was horrible. No problem with the phone, but the screen was not that good. I'm not saying the screen isn't good because it is.

Rated 1 out of 5 by Anonymous from Not working I have this phone and it is working fine until I install an App, then what is the point of buying this product?

Rated 3 out of 5 by Anonymous from Good phone , but it's not perfect This is a decent phone. This phone doesn't have to be a great phone, but I recommend that everyone not take it for granted. If you don't like the stock Android look, but you want a modern style phone with the best Android experience. You shouldn't take this phone for granted, even though it's the best for a cheaper price.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:33:45 2019 No.14085992

>>14083415
>which wasn't that far from me.
which wasn't too far from me, would make more immediate sense.

>As soon as I got up I went to open it
Why not just say he went to open it? Or just jump to him doing so: "As soon as I opened it, there was..." Right now you're using this same jumping, but for something I've already seen.

>He was very polite and I told her to 'be nice', she was pretty hot though.
Why a comma instead of a period?

> I also told her I wanted her to come over and have a glass of water and we sat down.
This line is weird in a way I actually like. "And" being repeated only for it to be where you exit the character's speech is odd.; I think that directly presenting this as something the speaker told someone made me appreciate it.

The deliberate pronoun confusion isn't entertaining. I don't feel like I'm better off having the story relayed to me this way.

>>14084376
>Maybe because y'all are giving shit advice? idk
>Like look at this
It's good advice though, or at least a good inquiry. I imagined Apu saying half this stuff. The redundancy in the second thing I quoted, the weird runon in the third, the way you exit the implied quotation in the fourth thing I quoted, as well as the odd simplicity of the speaker's demand; it's very jarring and autistic. Not to mention the last half dozen words: "she stop me with a kiss." Is this translated?

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:43:02 2019 No.14086040

Tavares was scheduled to work in San Francisco on Friday night when police found his iPhone in his car's trunk. The police then contacted a local newspaper, which called the police department and asked to help identify the phone and the man who had pulled the phone out of his trunk, San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee said during a news conference Thursday.

In the report, which contains few details, an officer identified the car and the driver who was driving it and then provided the information to press, Lee said.

The officer was later arrested and booked for investigation of stealing a public service vehicle, police said.

The San Francisco police report does not identify the company or the person who was driving, but it does mention two vehicles owned by the company. Neither vehicle was registered to the person in custody.

"We are actively working with San Francisco Police Department to identify the suspects of that theft," the company said in a statement. "The individual was not available for comment at this time."

Tavares is a software engineer who has been employed by the company for about eight years and will take a leave of absence to deal with his situation, the company said

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:52:46 2019 No.14086085

>>14085992
I don't think the confusing parts are intentional, he said in another post that it's meant to be straightforward. Whatever he's attempting, he's fucking it up.
It's even worse than you said, though. You're critiquing small stylistic choices when even his basic conveyance of information is failing.
>He was very polite and I told her to 'be nice', she was pretty hot though.
Up to here the gist is understandable despite odd grammar, but in this sentence it becomes incomprehensible. He was polite? Did he speak? Why did the narrator tell her to be nice, nice in the context of what, did she speak? As far as the reader is concerned they're still standing at the door and what the fuck they're doing there or who any of them are is completely unexpressed.
>I also told her I wanted her to come over and have a glass of water and we sat down.
Come over where? To her place? Is she a neighbor? Who the fuck is she and where did they sit down?
>He said 'Well, I've got a couple of people I need to talk to'.
Who did? The same man as before? Did he come with the narrator and the woman?
>When I started to open the door to go in he said 'Go on, I will ask them for you as I am very busy'. I started to open the door again but he said 'No, he is busy'. I got up the door again and he said 'Well, I am going to ask them for you'
This is a jumble of absolute nonsense with no indication where anyone is going or what any of them are trying to do. I don't know whose door this is or where "in" is, as it sounds like they'd been in since the water. Who is being asked what? The narrator is going to "ask" people for whoever this man is, then the narrator suddenly shifts?
I'm not even going to touch the second paragraph, I have no fucking clue what is happening there.
If the poster could give us some vague synopsis of what his story is fucking about maybe we could make some progress, but this is gibberish.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:57:31 2019 No.14086110

>>14083429
>It reached the depths of my heart,
Just end with a period.

>was based purely on the fact of their respective personalities,
Cut "on the fact"; it's not only pointless but it's also wrong. Imagine if someone were to ask you, "Anon, what is THE FACT of their respective personalities?" Adding something in after making the cut might be worthwhile though.

>"I'm sorry. I'm going to be late."
This and the lines around it are clunky. I get that this quote is the text he expects to be his last words, but I still feel like the delivery whipped the scene around. I can't quite put my finger on it. It might just be that "I'm sorry. I'm going to be late." doesn't sound like a line you'd premeditate, so it drew me away from the bedroom scene and made me assume you went somewhere else.

>about to stand up
>hurriedly sat up
You're trying to ascribe urgency to his action, yet you picked something smaller than the original movement he'd planned to make. Weird.

>It was a picture of me.
This wasn't as impactful as I think you'd hoped for, but that might just be due to the previous issue.

>A handsome young man with my hair dyed a bright red.
>The top half of his face was covered by a hat, the bottom half was dyed a strange dark-red.
The bottom half of his face? I can tell that's not what you mean, but it's incredibly weird phrasing, and also a wildly inflated count of details. If you really need both shades of read there, get them both down at once; describe the gradient of his hair, or how abruptly the color changes, instead of giving me red hair and then revising it a line later with a hat in the middle.

I like the last two lines in their own right, but overall everything from the apple onwards was just putting question marks in my head.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 19:58:54 2019 No.14086116 >>14086085 I gathered that it was three people in a doorway with two coming in to sit at a table, but yeah, it's certainly not straightforward.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 20:16:58 2019 No.14086241

>>14083473
>Quickly, the man became mad because the man had asked
By this point in the sentence, it's still not clear if this is just one man we're talking about. Once you say "him," we've got two, though you seem to want to imply this is just one split person throughout the rest of the text. Either way, without foreknowledge of the gimmick, your opening line sounds bad.

>He did not want to answer the man's question.
Cut "the man's question." Your gimmick is acceptable but I shouldn't have to read "the man" more than necessary. In some cases it could be replaced with "him."

>"I was sent here by the gods to study the history and the culture of this realm. I had the vision of a beautiful goddess, but there were also other ones as well."
>"Wow, I am so confused."
Hahahahaha what? That's like a step away from saying "Aww shucks." This is just so tonally off.

>The two humans spoke with a grave expression.
Although I'd expected actual speech to follow this, the simultaneous action is a good preface to the transformative bit that follows.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 20:24:43 2019 No.14086290

>>14083490
Christ, how long has it been since I last read this?

I didn't like that the first paragraph was in quotation marks.

I'm pretty sure I said this last time, but I don't like the ™ signs. Seems too witty and anti-commercial for the character, unlike the comical burst of literacy that follows:

>"unfortunately, i looked at her and she looked at me. my being existed inside her perception, and that really grossed me out,"
This has build up and buzzkill at the end, unlike the ™ signs, which almost feel like they're spoiling it.

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 20:30:45 2019 No.14086318

>>14086040
this style of narrating is really stale and straight foward, i can see it really working to develope certain character's personality if its a very close person, cold or autistic or to invoke a certain feeling of unimportant or inevitability. Besides from that it would get difficult to follow after some pages for me or make the pacing really monotonous
your ideas are pretty okey and could go somewhere if you keep developing them
keep it up!

Anonymous Wed Oct 30 20:34:45 2019 No.14086334

>>14083553
>hands writing in mock gesticulation. "I'm a fancy fucking ..."
Using a word as fancy as "gesticulation" only to use the-word "fancy" as a pejorative a line later doesn't make sense at all.

>He quickly brought his hand over his mouth
For some reason I think I'd prefer it if you moved "quickly" to the front of the line, but I'm not totally sure why.

>searched for a sympathetic face
giving her a crowd or something to search/making explicit mention of it would help

The buildup into the nut kick was pleasant, but otherwise I didn't really care much. Some guy loses it and says a mean thing, then the train overreacts to a meme most people don't even recognize, and then we're supposed to feel bad for the guy who got roasted. You're asking for pity I'm not willing to give.

>>	Anonymous Wed Oct 30 20:36:55 2019 No.14086340 >>14086334 Thanks for the feedback. It was an excercise in description that I whipped up in order to bump the thread and you're entirely right on all counts. It does feel empty and sudden. I'll work on drawing in the audience.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 00:41:32 2019 No.14087378

Don’t Put Trampolines on the Moon

The open mic was held in a dimly lit coffee shop. Some guy in a nice shirt took forever to finish reading his piece. He wasn’t overly buried in the thing, but he kept doing this motion with his hand like he was blowing our minds. Yes, that: a little pop, without taking his eyes off the page, constantly. Poof poof poof. If Harold Bloom was still alive he’d say it happened more times than it actually did.

I was immediately reminded of this quote from a videogame my brother used to play, Destiny, where in this one mission this one lady would always announce “Fingertips on the surface of my mind!” in response to some horrifying eldritch pressure she felt. Among the playerbase though, the phrase became a sort of local meme, if not an explicative; I’d often hear my brother shout “Fingertips!” through the door to his bedroom whenever some douchebag blew his guy off of the map. That, or it was when he’d done the same to somebody else. Either way a flailing astronaut was the one and only thing I could imagine bouncing off this guy’s curly hair every time I saw the gesture: some spaceman waving his limbs around, launched from a little trampoline, spiraling out into the great unknown. I salute you, based retard. Good luck on your mission, and stop writing characters with amnesia.

sorry if this is you but we're on page 9

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 01:18:12 2019 No.14087480

beginning of a story. very rough draft.

After putting the kids to bed, entering the bedroom, entering the bathroom, brushing his teeth, then spitting out the remains of the toothpaste into the sink, gargling mouthwash and flossing, J. fell back into his bed, a bed that was supposed to be a king-sized bed, but was actually just a bit smaller than a king-sized bed. With his wife gone until the middle of the upcoming week and it being a Sunday evening, the settled quiet of the house left J. in a state of clear-headedness he had not experienced for a number of days. In fact, it was the clear-headedness that made him remember that the king-sized bed was not actually king-sized. This bed he ordered from an online catalog when him and his wife bought their house would be the bed-to-end-all-beds, he thought, as if J. and his wife were now able to affirm that they were adults, meaning that certain tasks, such as shopping for a new bed, had ended once-and-for-all. When the bed arrived, as the movers took it up the stairs of the front porch, he felt an excitement tremble inside of him. After the movers put it into place and the bed stood emptied of its mattress, a sobering sense of disappointment came over him. He mentioned to his wife that the mattress seemed a bit small.
“It seems just a bit smaller than I expected.”
“No, it looks king-sized to me.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Actually, maybe it is a bit small.”
They went out to a nice restaurant that night, a restaurant neither of the two would have typically known about had it not been for one of his wife’s new colleagues recommending it during her first week. The dinner served as a celebration for his wife’s new job at the major university, for the new house, for the prospect of children, for J’s potential careers. The two looked at each other across the table spewed in the dim glow of candlelight. Despite the annoyance of domestic imperfections, which J. attempted to push out of his mind, here were two youngish people, educated in differing fields of study at the beginning of the 21st century, making their way into decent careers in a time when their peers struggled to find jobs, partners, or happiness. The drift of life had brought each together and augmented their strengths while downplaying their weaknesses. The other’s hobbies or quirks seemed strange and appealing to the other. Every episode—be it an illness, a marathon race, a drunken night with friends—folded into the memory of each. Yet, when J. brought up one of these episodes, after about a year of the initial relationship, his wife grimaced slightly before smiling with a pained acknowledgment of the thing that had occurred. Eventually, J. ceased to mention the past with its concluded projects and fixed characters. Now that him and his wife had two children and good jobs, mentioning an episode from the beginning of their marriage, not to say their initial meeting, did not cross J.’s mind any longer.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 01:22:15 2019 No.14087493 I have a grammar question. Comma or no comma? Bob works at the zoo scooping up poo. OR Bob works at the zoo, scooping up poo.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 01:25:25 2019 No.14087498 >>14083415 Dreamlike, holy shit. Bravo.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 02:51:35 2019 No.14087693

>>14083395

Happy Halloween, please crit my lipogrammatic horror microfiction:

“Fantastic! and cut to ads,” says Jim.

In bright studio lighting, Sarah turns around. “What in Christ was that?” asks Sarah, our anchor. Our co-host stays calm, firm, showing nothing. “Is anything wrong?” says Duncan, back straight, looking forward. Sarah is now shaking slightly: “Just now, on broadcast. What in H. Christ did you say?” Duncan turns away: show nothing. And now dismiss: “Grab this diva a glass to drink,” Duncan says to production, out of sight. Sarah, though, is stubborn: shouting “You all saw that, right?” to nobody in particular. blinding spotlights focus on Sarah. Our anchor can’t distinguish anything in our dark studio past that glaring spotlight, as our studio crowd lurks invisibly. Nobody says anything, and nobody’s brought a glass. Sarah can’t pick up any sound at all, as if production is at standstill. It is just Sarah and Duncan, possibly. Panic draws in: “You said…” “What did you say, goddamnit.” Duncan is still looking away. Sarah is now standing up away from Duncan, and quoting: “millions will burn tonight… “Our bloody rhapsody is arriving.” “What in holy fuck, Duncan.” Duncan waits for a bit. Now, calmly: “Anchors flub prompts. I was just trying to do our top story about that dog show and it got out wrong. All of us do botch it, occasionally.” Duncan is talking in that slow strong studio-anchor drawl that your TV-watching family trusts for all its information. Sarah looks at him in horror, and thinks about running out. And now shouting out to our black studio: “Jim, you got that, right? What’s going on with him?” Sarah’s rushing blood is our only sound, as both anchors wait for Jim’s words, which now ring back, hollow and monotonous: “Calm down, Duncan’s right, all of us flub it. Ads winding down, back shortly, to positions.”

“You said it Jim,” says Duncan, still looking away from Sarah. Now Duncan turns back around. His mouth curls upward. His hand has found Sarah’s arm, and it grips tightly. “Now now, Sarah, sit down. You still got a job to do. It’ll start rolling soon.” His hand starts to pull Sarah back down. Sarah sits, swallows, and looks forward blankly. A light turns back on.

“Back on KXP, our top story tonight: a dog show in…”

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 03:00:14 2019 No.14087713 >>14083415 Seems like the description of a dream.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 07:48:57 2019 No.14088284

>>14087693
>Setting
>Immediately something is wrong.
I get that it is microfiction but maybe establish normalcy first.
The dialogue is stilted, is this a period piece? The cursing feels tacked on and unnatural. Excessive even. Also it isn't particularly spooky.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 09:02:35 2019 No.14088511 >>14085041 You know plenty of art, even writing, exists without characters, right?

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 10:25:30 2019 No.14088857 >>14088511 Yeah but it's not good if you can't self-insert into it

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 10:41:05 2019 No.14088942 File: 46 KB, 800x800, B01F50A3-7E58-438D-B81E-76B5742383A5.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>14083421 Same desu

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 10:49:27 2019 No.14088993 This did get published so obviously someone thought it was good, but I had very little faith in the editor at the time: https://thehelixmagazine.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/helix-2019.pdf I'm on page 55 (the actual page, not the pdf page).

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 11:22:59 2019 No.14089127 this thread is awful

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 11:23:44 2019 No.14089130 >>14089127 Elaborate

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 11:37:22 2019 No.14089198

My first tour in Iraq started with a bang... literally.

I was on a motorcycle through a country that was already in a state of anarchy and chaos. It was the middle of the day, the sun was setting. I was going about 60km/h and my back tire went flying. Just like that, the motorcycle spun 360 degrees. I was thrown off in the air and was in a spin and then the ground was thrown up in front of my bike, which threw me the second time.

I was thrown through the windshield and ended up underneath the seat of the motorcycle. My leg was on the floorboard. My hand was in the seat, my leg was in the seat. That was when I realized I never heard my back tire come off. I went down and started walking forward. And then we got to the first checkpoint, and they were all kind of shouting at me like, "Are you OK?" And I said "Yeah. I was walking forward. And then, the next checkpoint, and then I noticed that they were saying to me "Are you OK? Are you OK?" And I said, "Yes!"

Then the roadblocks came out. The road blocks were like, where they're all looking at you, but they're trying to get your fingerprints taken and they're also checking to see if you have any drugs on you or anything. I had no idea what was going on. There was no reason to make a move until after two or three passes. And then there was a second checkpoint. It was just this whole big long line, so I didn't know who was going to give me my pass.

When I got there it was a different kind of checkpoint. It was this huge line of people, so I didn't know if whoever gave me the pass was someone from the law enforcement or some cop, because you get asked two or three times to sign a form as part of the whole thing.

And it was my second time in this whole checkpoint. And this was only my second time. When you go through it, they will hand you a bunch of papers and you have to sign them, and then they're leaving. The first time there was one last one. It was actually more of a physical verification. You sign that paper and you go through the checkpoint. And they didn't even take my keys.

The first time was to go through this particular checkpoint. Once they hand you that paper, they ask for your passwords to let you into the facility. And they don't ask your passwords back. They don't have to. And as you pass through, there's a whole line of people waiting to go through, and they have you sign a paper, and then they say, "What's the password to verify your identity?" That's what they did to me that time.

And then, then you walk into the facility. And at some point, this is in early February. It's a place called the Baghdad. And they'll hand you the papers. And these are for, you know, the detainees, this is so-called Authorization for Use of Military Force, which is the first of the three forms required for the deployment of U.S. forces in Afghanistan because of 9/11.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 11:43:11 2019 No.14089230

"Leroy! There's someone here to see you!"
My name was Leroy, and that was my mom, I guess. I headed downstairs to see who it was.
"What the…?"
"Hey! There you are!" The older dude called out. "Are you Leroy?"
I nodded my head. He asked how I felt.
"I… I know I'm sick," I said. "I'm a little tired."
"You look like you're getting sicker, mom." He asked if I had any money.
"I don't have it," I said, but he was still worried. He asked me if my mom could help him or something. I didn't know, but he knew we couldn't let him walk away.
This time around, I didn't get a chance to decide how to act.
"Hey, don't just stand off me like you did yesterday!" The older man shouted.
I didn't have any idea what to say. I wanted to go on, but I just didn't know what to do.
"You're being rude…" Another male voice replied. "I got that feeling from yesterday…"
I ignored the voice. That was a lie.
What the heck should I do? I kept thinking.
How could I tell a man to stop bothering me. The only thing I could do with a man like that was to keep myself from thinking of them as my enemy. This way, I would never go crazy.
But there was no way for me to know if what those two said was true. It was hard on my head, like a bucket on a fire that's been turned on, I couldn't even look at them anymore. This whole situation wasn't even my business. If it was, then I probably shouldn't have gotten involved, I thought. But I wasn't going to tell him that the world around me had gotten complicated because of them. I couldn't ask my mother to tell him that the world had gotten complicated because of them.
I was too afraid to think of such things.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 12:27:50 2019 No.14089381 >>14088284 You know what a lipogram is, right? ctrl+f 'e'

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 15:08:33 2019 No.14090097 [DELETED]

Random Promt generated by a thing.
"The Hero is a Wizard from Spingfield who has a particular set of skills. The Nemesis is a wizard who smells like cheese. The nemesis gets the upper hand by playing a dirty trick"

This is the first part. Because this thread needs a bump

It would take water to cleans his skin of the putrid stench, to purge his mind of the scene before him.

The fetid remains of the animal corpses littered the dank room. The miasma of rotting flesh assaulted him at random intervals, driving him to curse his birth with increasing frequency.

"KaseMetzger" HE spat out the name, already consciously attributing this crime to the only man truly capable of so heinous a display. He looked at the ceiling of the cramped corner office, mentally offering begrudging thanks to Herr KaseMetzger for continuing his bloody revelry away from the pile of bodies.
AND
MANY
MORE

Scrawled across the dotted ceiling tiles was a promise, a guarantee of more carnage, of the bloodshed to come.

But the old wizard's hubris had betrayed him, the bloody handwriting would almost certainly turn up a match in the Inquisition database. Every Wizard in the city of Io had their signature scent and handwriting recorded. KaseMetzger usually hid his scent in the bloody aftermath of his rampages, but a Wizard's handwriting cannot be masked.

As he exited the room he fought down a wave of nausea. His time as a detective in Springfield gave him an iron disposition, but senseless brutality had never stopped affecting him.

Oh I know its shit but I have to turn in a Short story for uni in hopes of getting published and I'm out of practice, feedback appreciated.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 15:12:38 2019 No.14090116

Random Promt generated by a thing.
"The Hero is a Wizard from Spingfield who has a particular set of skills. The Nemesis is a wizard who smells like cheese. The nemesis gets the upper hand by playing a dirty trick"

This is the first part. Because this thread needs a bump

It would take far more than water to cleanse his skin of the putrid stench, to purge his mind of the scene before him.

The fetid remains of the animal corpses littered the dank room. The miasma of rotting flesh assaulted him at random intervals, driving him to curse his birth with increasing frequency.

"KaseMetzger" HE spat out the name, already consciously attributing this crime to the only man truly capable of so heinous a display. He looked at the ceiling of the cramped corner office, mentally offering begrudging thanks to Herr KaseMetzger for continuing his bloody revelry away from the pile of bodies.
AND
MANY
MORE

Scrawled across the dotted ceiling tiles was a promise, a guarantee of more carnage, of the bloodshed to come.

But the old wizard's hubris had betrayed him, the bloody handwriting would almost certainly turn up a match in the Inquisition database. Every Wizard in the city of Io had their signature scent and handwriting recorded. KaseMetzger usually hid his scent in the bloody aftermath of his rampages, but a Wizard's handwriting cannot be masked.

As he exited the room he fought down a wave of nausea. His time as a detective in Springfield gave him an iron disposition, but senseless brutality had never stopped affecting him.

When his Talent in Wizardry first awakened he had been chasing a serial murderer of young boys. When his quarry turned down an alleyway the entire block burst into flames. The only evidence that the man had ever existed was a sot stained collection of teeth.

Wilton had been immediately placed in the Iquisition of the City of Io.

The Gift of Flames, the most powerful and rare of the Wizard Talents, yet he had spent the last 5 years being eluded by a cheese conjurer.

Oh I know its shit but I have to turn in a Short story for uni in hopes of getting published and I'm out of practice, feedback appreciated.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 18:45:01 2019 No.14091063 >>14083561 Hang on a minute, this post >>14083553 is the first page of your fantasy novel?

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 18:47:31 2019 No.14091080 >>14091063 nah, >>14083473 this is

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 18:49:47 2019 No.14091093

>>14083473
>>14083561

Nvm, I am retard.

As for your actual first page, I'm getting a Pratchett vibe from it?

The dialogue is a bit stilted but I can't tell if its a stylistic thing for an opener.

In general though, I don't think it makes much sense or is compelling. The last few lines interest me, but the first para and the dialogue just confuse me.

The idea might have potential though.

Anonymous Thu Oct 31 18:53:11 2019 No.14091106
File: 38 KB, 645x282, s1dream.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

So I have an excerpt from a sci-fi novel I'm writing for you guys. For reference, this piece is a dream sequence that introduces the perspective of the leader of humanity's interstellar state, which he built at great personal cost.

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 18:54:19 2019 No.14091110 >>14091080 also I should add that it would be easier to critique in document screenshot form than 4chan post

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 19:29:36 2019 No.14091279 >>14083395 I love that pic so much

>>	Anonymous Thu Oct 31 23:39:07 2019 No.14092342 Alright I’m sleeping but when I wake up I promise to crit anyone who leaves their story and at least a medium effort critique of someone else’s

Anonymous Fri Nov 1 04:28:38 2019 No.14093075

Sci-fi/ fantasy story I've very recently started working on;

A man is tied to a chair in a dark chamber, its edges shadow stricken. Overlooking him are 2 men,both enveloped in cloth and metal.They both wear masks connected by tubes to small cases by their hips which whirr and whistle to some unheard rhythm.

"Torture"
"Will he talk?"
"He hasn't so far"
"He is here because of us"
"Silence!"

The 1st and taller of the masked men raises his hands, they move in sharp precise movements. The shorter man nods and pulls a dark cruel thing from his pack, a clump of metal and flesh which moans and hisses. He holds it in front of him, his body betraying his wariness. He approaches the center of the chamber.

"Not torture, something else" more of us are here now. We nod.

The tied man ,brow and face drenched in sweat and blood, panics as he sees the "thing" being carried over to him. He struggles against his bonds but his efforts are fruitless. The clump of flesh moans ecstatically as it is placed on his head. The mans struggles cease shortly, his eyes now bone white and vacant. Another series of moans and groans emerges from the bloody fusion of flesh and metal on his head before a disk is ejected out of its depths and hits the cold floor with a wet thump.

A quick series of gestures from the short masked man are made. A sharp light with the sound of thunder appears and is quickly gone. The only evidence of its effects, a smouldering pile of ash where the tied man sat and the faint smell of sulfur.

The 1st and taller of the masked man slips a smoldering hunk of metal pipe into his pack as the 2nd man picks up and wipes clean the disk. They both leave the chamber, the heavy thuds of their boots slowly fading.

"Follow them"
"Wait"
"Something is wrong"
"Quiet"

The minutes slowly pass by and from the darkness of the chambers edges an aberration emerges. It's a man as if seen though a cracked and fogged lense.

We recognize it and rapidly attempt to disconnect but not before it looks into the corner of the chamber where our eye lies hidden.

" I see you...watcher"

It attacks.
Our minds scream as their wards are broken. Our eyes and hands cease across the system, now nothing more then puppets of flesh or metal, their strings cut, minds burnt. We retreat further, but he follows. A choice must be made. We decide.... I decide and darkness greets me.

Anonymous Fri Nov 1 08:53:59 2019 No.14093677

>>14093075
>They both wear masks connected by tubes to small cases by their hips which whirr and whistle to some unheard rhythm.
I would like this more if it too had a rhythm to it, a melody. I guess this is your rough draft and things will be done to it to make it ring, but as it is I find it rather clumsy, though the picture itself is adequate.

The dialogue that follows is rather dull. It is more than nothing, though this could be said about almost anything.

>they move in sharp precise movements

>He holds it in front of him
In front of the man on the chair?
>He approaches the center of the chamber
Where was he before? Is that where the prisoner sits?
>A man is tied to a chair in a dark chamber, its edges shadow stricken.
The edges of the chair?
I'm being facetious; to a certain degree. Your descriptions are really rather muddy. Sometimes specific (the center of the chamber) sometimes vague (two men overlooking him *from somewhere in the chamber*).

The idea behind the scene I find enjoyable. In its execution it is confusing, rough hewn and jagged. You should also critique someone else if you post an excerpt. 1) More people will critique you. 2) It's good etiquette.

-------

I only got one line. It's supposed to be some scientific lovecraftian thing. I don't know yet. It's translated from german.

In a small Russian village, at the beginning of the last century, a strange incident occurred in winter, which in the following time, and after a series of other strange incidents, became, so to speak, the coordinate system into which everything else could be inserted and arranged.

>>	Anonymous Fri Nov 1 13:11:35 2019 No.14094649 >>14093677 Reads like Constance Garnett, which I assume is the goal. I like it. Wish I knew enough German to critique it in the original.

Anonymous Fri Nov 1 13:15:46 2019 No.14094660
File: 310 KB, 1151x1538, 1521496337955.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

WIP

Relief. The greatest bliss one of his kind could experience, but only for a moment. Jerking, writhing, the burly Middenlander died - limbs failing to detach the nightmare fangs clamped to his jugular. Miklos made it gentle. It was hard for him, being ‘young’. Every ounce of his black essence yearned to drain the wretch mercilessly and revel in each muscle fibre spasm of pain. Since the ‘turn’, he felt ITS presence incessantly. Others misidentified IT as “I”, but he knew the truth of it. “I hunger”, “I thirst”, but this was not he. IT was something else, even in life. Like a visitor kept too long, haughty and abusive, and assured of its primacy with the pact he had made, IT now ruled him. Appetite was king. All he could do was sate it for a fleeting few. The corpse-to-be became, and Miklos released.

A blue-blood it was, the finest wine. Purest and highest, he savoured its age and wondered on deeds done by its bearer and all the ancestors before who carried it. That is why he refused to cede to rash indulgence this time. The dead chiselled features bore good breeding. Angular, wolfish, with a ridge of a brow and wearing a solemn expression, unmarred by fear. Embedded betwixt a gracile nose, a pair of azure marbles bare of eyelids stared up at him. Within lay no last imprint of terror. Only duty - one Miklos had ended; affording the gallant his rare mercy. Rapturous valour moments before proved the vintage. The northerner’s harness adorning his blue-white state livery showed a latticework of steel scarring - a testament to the all but thirty seconds he lasted. Silently the vampire toasted his prey’s honour and let the body slump.
“Finished?” The feminine purr interceded. Miklos reluctantly returned to the present, robbed of his only escape from IT.

“Look at you, like a messy bairn at a bosom.” Lines of red stained his white flesh, and clots formed on blue lips. Miklos hissed.
A second voice rejoined, male, old and rank with corruption. “Quite. A good showing nevertheless, Herr Hugelhof. What number is this one? I remember my first hundred, every face.” Around him the bloody scene lay, and the instigators - his acquaintances. Eviscerated remains caked the parlour’s planks with their gore. Two liveries of the imperial states were barely recognisable on their wearers. Marienburgers and Middenlanders. Among them, a more ominous, deformed breed of Men had collapsed, scored by myriad weapons.
‘Forty-three.’ His agent before the trap informed him Forty-Three had a name. Steinar von Talberg, captain of a retinue dispatched with a story alike all the others that had come to Mordheim. ‘My best to date.’ He wiped the arterial spatter from his mouth.

1/2

Anonymous Fri Nov 1 13:17:08 2019 No.14094665
File: 130 KB, 626x848, fant vamp.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>14094660
With the duel concluded, the pair returned to rifle at their own prizes - the champions of the other two parties - but for Sophia, not before she could inspect his. Miklos grudgingly let her.
“Handsome.” She cooed, clutching Steinar’s cold cheeks and working the usual exaggeration into her living cadaver’s expression. “Trifles, I should’ve lured these. Lovely looking, fierce…”
He growled. ‘Go play with your merchant. Wasn’t this histrionic arrangement enough? Next time you can have all of them.’
“Now, now Mikky. Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy this little soiree. Our guests gave their lives for our pleasure! And you certainly took pleasure in this pitiful fool.” Her lips pecked the carcass’ own before whirling away, tittering.

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/lit/ - Literature