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/lit/ - Literature

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14060147 No.14060147 [Reply] [Original]

I wrote this love poem for my oneitis. I don't read poetry myself but her Twitter and Instagram bios say she likes poetry.

My sweet darling angel,
Pumpkin-sweet, so painful
It is to be apart
From you; it breaks my heart.
Be mine, O sweet-lipped muse,
And gratefully I'll use
Thine eyes as star-specked pools
To deliver needed cools
To this flaming heart.

As people who read literature, what are your thoughts?

Pic somewhat related, my oneitis looks a bit like Björk.

>> No.14060154

>>14060147
utter trash. this "poem" wouldn't even impress a hobo

>> No.14060157

>>14060154
You didn't even read it, incel.

>> No.14060158
File: 72 KB, 960x635, NINTCHDBPICT000437950944-e1539164234997.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
14060158

>>14060147
anon I would abandon this course of action

>> No.14060227

This is a futile
Effort I seriously
Hope you don't do this

Ishygddt haiku

>> No.14060244

>>14060147
Thought you were that insectoid broad for a sec.

The poem's okay, creepy and corny but ok

>> No.14060258

>>14060147
Abandon it, trust me. If you must write a love poem, try to be less melodramatic

>> No.14060342
File: 1.50 MB, 250x233, D1B05B6F-6CF7-4817-832D-B8FC732F57FA.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
14060342

>>14060147
>deliver needed cools

Anon, please for the love of god don’t share this with her.

>> No.14060350

It's good, sweet and has the energy, I like it

>> No.14060366

Dont write girls poems even if they are decent /good quality. They dont deserve them not even being a dick either. If its good enough to be shared then burn it out of shame

>> No.14060375

>>14060147
what kind of a fag writes a poetry for girls in the recent year?you should express your feelings by talking to her irl instead since this is cringy as fuck

>> No.14060454
File: 741 KB, 1008x746, AbandonAllHope.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
14060454

>>14060158
Thank you for my new reaction image.

>> No.14060465

>>14060147
send it and post results

>> No.14060489

>>14060147
It’s beautiful
You are beautiful

>> No.14060493
File: 594 KB, 245x136, 72B0B683-7EEE-4683-A858-C340EB787E03.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
14060493

>>14060244

>> No.14060496

>>14060147
This isn't poetry because it was written with the hope of gain.

>> No.14060608

>>14060147
>my SWEET darling angel
>pumpkin-SWEET, so painful
double use of a word. also where you put the line break makes it seem like she is painful.
>O
this isn't 1600, drop that shit
>SWEET-lipped muse
again?
>THINE eyes
still not 1600
>to deliver needed cools
what the fuck? can you not into english? and why would her eyes cool your flaming heart? shouldn't they ignite it?

>> No.14060620

>>14060147
>darling angel
first line and you already have a huge cliche, try harder

>> No.14060731

>>14060147
Shit

>> No.14061007

>>14060493
You have no idea how much I loved this movie and her specifically
Good taste

>> No.14061163

>>14060147
It's extremely readable, but everything pointed out here is 100% on point >>14060608

Make adjustments and you should have something worth sending. Don't listen to the faggots, just be who you are and let the chips fall as they may.

>> No.14061183

>>14060147
1. Tongue planted firmly in cheek else you'll get made fun of.
2. Make your use of meter more strict. Pick something and stick with it. Make it fun to say out loud.

>> No.14061419

>>14060147
If she loves you she'll find it cute and love you more even though it's cringe.
I often take advantage of stuff like this

>> No.14062066

>>14060147

How do you think she comes?

>> No.14062264
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14062264

>>14060147

>> No.14062545

This is the closest thing to a love poem I've written. Not really about anyone in particular.

Beautiful girl with the brazen tears dropping like comets
I hand her burning tiger lilies but they only make her seem colder
An icy moon over a tundra in our living room, snow drifts
Circling the ottoman and icicles hanging off the hearth
She tells me that she’s lonely and that company is barren
That she stands in crowds and stares at doors while sinking in carpets
I say in the softest words I have that it’s not her fault but it’s hers to change
She turns to me with eyes of broken glass and whispers it’s too hard
I agree while glancing down and we hold hands like stone sculpture from cities long forgotten
Would you like to just leave? One of us asks as the sun says goodbye
The brazen girl with the beautiful tears wipes them away, and the coupled
Shades head towards their light beneath falling stars, running from their shadows
and conversations best unbroached yet understood.