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/lit/ - Literature

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1366862 No.1366862 [Reply] [Original]

What do ya think lit? the beginning of the novel I am currently writing:

I wanted to see her face. Her beautiful face. I was longing for it. I needed it. She worked at Johnson's Pharmacy on Main Street. She was a clerk there. I stopped by often, not to purchase anything, but to look at her face. She was always polite and, it seemed, pleased to see me. If I ever wanted anything, she was sure to get it hastily. I somewhat disliked her quickness to please, as it left me less time to see her, but I understand that it was for the business' sake.

pic not really related, but appropriate

>> No.1366866

>>1366862

>it seemed pleased to see me

We don't treat women as objects here at /lit/. Please leave.

>> No.1366868

She worked at Johnson's Pharmacy on Main Street. She was a clerk there.

>She was a clerk at Johnson's Pharmacy on Main Street.
>She worked as a clerk at Johnson's Pharmacy on Main Street.

>> No.1366880

>>1366866
You misunderstood what I meant. I wasn't referring to the woman as 'it'. This is probably a good indication I should change that sentence.
>>1366868
I like the second one. I shall revise.

>> No.1366893

>>1366866
Did you not see the comma after 'seemed'?

>> No.1366905

>>1366893

I was joking. Jesus christ.

>> No.1366910

The main character finds out that he's twins with the girl at the end.

>> No.1366912

>>1366880
>>1366893
lol srs bsns.

>> No.1366923

>>1366910
Actually he find out she's a trap that's into bestiality and they do this big porn together and hit it big and then the story ends with Plies' Becky and She Got It Made playing in the background. The End.

>> No.1366924

Your prose is awkwardly broken up and halting. It is difficult to read.

>> No.1366937

That sentence, "I was longing for it" seems weird. I mean, the surrounding sentences are "I wanted", "I needed", and "She worked". Why the was? It throws off the parallelism you've got going. I would change that to "I longed for it."

Also, is there a point to the weird obsession with her face as a thing? Like, does the protagonist go crazy and eat it at some point? Because it seems a little creepy just reading this, like he's longing for her face in a non-romantic sort of a way.

>> No.1366950

>I wanted to see her face. Her beautiful face. I was longing for it. I needed it.
Oh boy, another needy, whiny protagonist. World needs more of those.
>I stopped by often, not to purchase anything, but to look at her face.
Oh yeah man, this doesn't have a creepy, stalker-ish vibe.
>She was always polite and, it seemed, pleased to see me. If I ever wanted anything, she was sure to get it hastily. I somewhat disliked her quickness to please, as it left me less time to see her, but I understand that it was for the business' sake.
Wait, did I say the previous sentence had a creepy, stalker-ish vibe? I'm sorry, this one just plowed over it and said LOOK AT ME, I AM EXUDING STALKER-ISHNESS.

Tell you what, if this was a book I picked up, and this was the first paragraph I read, I'd put it back down.

>> No.1366970

>Johnson's Pharmacy
>Main Street

The byproduct of your overflowing creative juices is just too much for me

>> No.1367024
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1367024

>>1366970
oh you.

>> No.1367332

op lives in ontario

>> No.1367372

I wouldn't take a lot of this is too personally, as /lit/ hates everything out of principle. If the girl is your plot device then you shouldn't give it away so fast. Start with something that sets up the emotional theme of the book in th a subtle way. Make your prose flow a little bit more. I like the varying length in the sentences. And also >>1366970