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/lit/ - Literature

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1362975 No.1362975 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/
I wrote this poem just now. It was inspired by a poignant moment I shared with my mum. It involved a DVD she got in the post with footage of her hometown in Holland from 1955. The only sound it had was fairground-type music. She sat down awkwardly on the floor to watch it, nearer the TV than the sofa. Perhaps it was the grainy footage and her bad eyesight that made her do it. Either way, it was a weird role reversal; I was there in the armchair she normally sits in, while she sat where I sat as a child when I got particularly excited about a Playstation game.

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts and criticisms of my poem. I haven't written many poems, perhaps 2 or 3. 'Moe' is a Dutch word for mum and is pronounced 'moo'.

Moe
You sit hunched in a spot which I used, too,
By the TV and grey box where I span away my youth.
You clambered down, like I did to play,
To the carousel songs on loop
And the bleached out reels from Holland '55.

Cataracts' misty film
Blocks the story from your eyes.

The carousel keeps on spinning,
Past the cobbler who once taught you
How bad glue falls apart,
Past the church who warned you
Of gamblers' dice and art,
And how we all must suffer well
In time's unflinching carousel.

>> No.1362984

lovely story. I thought the wording was okay. my only advice for anyone writing poems is "just don't try."

>> No.1363003

>>1362984
>my only advice
>my
is that you, chucky?

I like it a lot, which is more than I can say for 99% of original poetry on this site, especially with the backstory. the only thing is, I think it's 'spun' away and not 'span' away, unless that was intentional as some kind of allusion to time span.

>> No.1363015

>>1362984
By "just don't try" do you mean just give up writing poems? Or is it some piece of writing technique?

Thanks for your thoughts though. I'm glad you liked the story, and I'm pleased with okay wording, since I don't write much.

>>1363003
Thanks! I'm very happy you like it. And you're right about "spun" as well.

>> No.1363022

The only girl I've ever loved
Was born with roses in her eyes
But then they buried her alive
One evening 1945
With just her sister at her side
And only weeks before the guns
All came and rained on everyone
Now she's a little boy in Spain
Playing pianos filled with flames
On empty rings around the sun
All sing to say my dream has come

>> No.1363023

>>1363015
It's a quote--I guess that I mean to say, by quoting it, is that I think it's best to write poems whenever you have no other choice (like, whenever you feel compelled to put something down on writing) or maybe I think it means that one should not try to turn their thoughts into "poetry", but they should try to capture the poetic. I think you have definitely capture the poetic in this poem, but maybe you could have told it without trying to make it a poem? I don't think this makes much sense, especially if you're dutch (?) Idk, goodwork though.

>> No.1363027

>>1363015
don't try means not to try and force poetry, don't actually set out to write poetry, let the poetry flow naturally.

I think your backstory shows that it naturally flows anyway, as an inspiration and not something you've consciously brought to your mind to write about. It's great that it's poetry for you yourself aswell, and not just poetry written for people to read and relate to.

>> No.1363028

And here's where your mother sleeps
And here is the room where your brothers were born
Indentions in the sheets
Where their bodies once moved but don't move anymore
And it's so sad to see the world agree
That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies
All when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes

>> No.1363031

>>1363022
I LOVE YOU JESUSSS CHRISTT

now gb2mu

>> No.1363035

please call, what about this
abysmal holiday season offers me
any consolation, except to know that
you are not in jail?
All this week I was sick with despair of
these hours coming
severed ear and cut throat

>> No.1363041

just don't try is amazing advice, I dislike when people do that with poetry, what you should try to do is make rhymes that are better and more interesting, and use more literary devices, metaphor, simile, euphony, and many others which are at any poet's disposal

>> No.1363055

my favorite poet is
William Carlos Williams.

>> No.1363058

>>1363023
>>1363027
Ah I understand. I think this poem is the closest I have come to not trying. The other things I've written are kind of forced I think. I'm only half Dutch by the way, and I grew up in England.
>>1363041
Yes that's a good point. I only really thought of metaphor and rhyme.

>> No.1363063

>>1363055
Mine is Yehuda Amichai, but I hardly see how that's relevant to this thread.

>> No.1363070

>>1363058
also, learn about meter aswell, it will help with rhythm.

>> No.1363080

Interesting. This is some of the better poetry I've seen on lit.

>> No.1363128
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1363128

bump

>> No.1363159

This summer I swam in the ocean
And I swam in a swimming pool.
Salt my wounds, chlorine my eyes,
I'm a self destructive fool.
I'm a self destructive fool.

>> No.1363162

>>1363159
motherfucking deep, nigga

>> No.1363305

>>1363159
Aw shit son, you got troubles.

>> No.1363361

There's a bitterbabble goingson
aflit around the merry phone
inside my halfhung brainscape.
Dropped call ends the glowingsong
that putrified my sleepyzone
provide electrons' escape.

Voicemail awaits my eyepops oped
life's time alright til money's owed.

>> No.1363610

>>1363361
OPED IS AN OUTMODED TERM.

>> No.1363633

>>1362975
Wow, I actually enjoyed a poem on /lit/. Fine work.

>> No.1363666
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1363666