/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.1357939]

Can /lit/ critique this incomplete rough draft of a short story I'm writing?

Part 1
It is out of pure disbelief; pure perplexity – that I sit here today and chronicle the gruesome events that occurred in that house over the course of a mere five days. My hand quakes still with the fear invoked, and that I, Sebastian Conway, question even now if it has truly left me. Alas, my ramblings of what you the reader view as illogical cannot fully be explained here.

**
The ordeal began in April. I had just returned to London after a short lived venture to the country side, in hopes of soliciting some form of inspiration for my latest writing submission to my publisher. Nothing. I traversed roads, trails, all navigable areas in hopes of finding it. During the evening, I had drunk myself stiff with wine after getting off the phone with one of the publisher's representatives. My next submission was due in a week and a half, and I had promised them I would have something ready, failing to inform them my current predicament. The next morning, I thought to again leave my flat in London and go about the country side, albeit due west. At first my search again brought no results.

[OP Last Part No.1357953]

I reached for the knob and turned. Although they themselves moved quite freely, the motion wasn't triggering the mechanism to open. I again had to resort to the barbaric means I utilized when I opened in the case. They too, swung open with that same sort of morbid glee after a few attempts. My eyes widened once I entered. The condition of the place was remarkable. All of the furnishings were still there, making me believe that the former tenants left in a hurry. They were also covered in years' worth of dust. At that moment however, I heard a loud chime, scaring the wits out of me. It was from a grandfather clock, clicking away on my right. How this was still working brought awe. The ticking noise was lulling as well. It wasn't time to rest just yet however. I longed to delve into the story of this home, from the possessions to surveying the property itself. Though perhaps it was the stuff of inspiration now, I would later come to realise that I would regret that notion.

[OP Still More No.1357949]

Part 2

Only the monotone, rolling hillsides. It was an hour later that something piqued my interest. Off a road veering to the left was a set of iron gates. Lonely, weathered, and nearly coated with rust. I pulled over, looking beyond what lay these gates. A cobblestone path went along from the gate and off out of sight. I tried prying them open, but to little avail. The lock had been rusted shut from years of not seeing any use. Though with a set of a few determined kicks, it gave way, swinging open with a sort of decrepit glee. I then made my way down the path, only to find a more surprising sight. A manor, its architecture obviously dating from the Victorian period. To see such houses left abandoned was indeed a spectacle by itself. Most that were intact had been snatched up by the aristocracy, much less if any were even in the area. But here I was, looking straight at one. It was almost as if it had a life of its own. Forgotten. Isolated. Beckoning to have a visitor after all of these years. I hastily obliged, darting up to the front entrance way. A set of lion's head knockers adorned the oak doors, their paint long since peeled and faded.

[lewis cooltop No.1357957]

>Alas, my ramblings of what you the reader view as illogical cannot fully be explained here.

Read (and enjoyed) up to there, this seems awkward. didn't read anything else other than the first part though

[OP No.1357966]

>>1357957
I know it's not perfect, but I need more than that in order for me to better my writing.

[Lovide. No.1357990]

You're using words badly, bro. Sometimes incorrectly. Like "albeit." Your narration seems like an uneducated smurf trying to sound intellectual and to capture the essence of good, older books. It seems unnatural and is obnoxious. The reader will focus on the ridiculous word choices and pompous air and not care for your story.

If this bastard was real, do you think anyone would stand around and listen to him yammer on? No. They wouldn't. Do you use half these words when you talk? I doubt it, highly. Do yourself a favor and only use words you are completely familiar with - words that you can place inconspicuously. It is never good to draw the reader's mind away from the story and make them focus on the writing. They should be carried away by your prose and not even realize they are holding the book.

There are much, much better ways to portray a character as intellectual than to stuff the character's mouth full of awkward words. I would say to stop trying to emulate the older style of books. Your attempt was dry and grating.

I think that if you washed off all this nonsense and got in touch with your actual voice as an author, you would be much better off. The story itself isn't awful, just the style you've adopted for it.

That's how I see it, anyway.

[Not Anness. No.1357999]

>>1357990
Also, you've got piss all for setting and background. Who is he? Where is he? All that jazz.

[OP No.1358006]

>>1357990
Thanks anon. You're correct in that I tried to emulate the style of older writing because that was what I was aiming for. I also understand that the writing is dry, tarnished, and sounds pompous, but again, this is a rough draft. Your advice is helpful though, I feel that I was trying too hard writing it. With a rework it will hopefully flow better.

[OP No.1358014]

>>1357999
That's a major component I left out while writing it. When I get involved in that during a rough draft I actually spend too much time fleshing out the details and not on the story itself, it causes problems. I add that with each subsequent rewrite. This is a very early, very rough and very bad draft. But thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.