critique thread

[Anonymous No.13374994]

My mother said "Linda called me about you" and feinting innocence I responded "Why?" and she said "You tell me" and I was ashamed and told her I had smoked cigarettes with the Kepnes children behind Marty's service station after he had gone home, only because I wanted to impress Carrie. She shouted in disbelief "My boy's in love with Carrie Kepnes" and I said yes and she sent me to my room. I had told noone until then I loved Carrie and I had told noone until then I loved but my mother said "Son I love you, do you love me?" and I said yes and she said "Then listen to me, Carrie's not worth your time. Regardless you won't be seeing her after school any longer and if you do there will be great consequences, where are the rest of your cigarettes" and I offered them up to her and she asked "Is this all of them" and I said yes. Two weeks later riding home from dinner at Grandma's I saw Carrie smoking behind Marty's with Bryan S. whom she kissed at homecoming whom she lived with senior year whose child she bore. Mother asked me "Is it true that Carrie is pregnant at nineteen" and I said yes.

[Anonymous No.13375052]

Horrendous grammar and too many run on sentences, couldn't even get through it. No offense, but you're gonna need to learn proper punctuation and basic grammar before becoming any sort of successful writer.

[Anonymous No.13375066]

>>13374994
>feinting innocence

[Anonymous No.13375070]

>>13374994
>whom she kissed at homecoming whom she lived with senior year whose child she bore

[Anonymous No.13375081]

The other students arrived, settled into their seats, pulled out their readings, and began sharing questions about the reading with the class. We went in the familiar order counterclockwise around the table as I sat there with my head angled down towards the table in front of me, not daring to look up. The rotation hit the student in the seat before me, he shared his question, a brief discussion ensued, and then eyes were on me. My heart erupted, my body temperature spiked, my breath shortened. I sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, tense and grounded, as if waiting for a violent storm to finally move over me.

“Shane, you’re next,” Proctor swooped in, being the only person in the world that could save me at that moment. I didn’t say a word. Through partially black vision I glanced up, only for a moment because that’s all my body could muster. The confused eyes of fellow classmates darted around, glancing at each other, then at me, then back to each other, silently piecing together what had happened. I could die of embarrassment right there — I thought it was just a expression up until then. “Go ahead Shane,” Proctor urged again.

A few more weeks of this might be unbearable.

[Anonymous No.13375085]

>>13374994
>"Is this all of them"

[Anonymous No.13375094]

Please critique some sentences I have been working on

>she cried tears like drops of rain
>his heart was aflame with passion
>the memories of the night before began to drift away in a welcome zephyr of forgetfulness
>he stood there, firm and solid, like a mountain of rocks

[Anonymous No.13375097]

>>13375081
>my body temperature spiked
>move over me instead of pass

reads like a freshman stem student writing something for eng 101

[Anonymous No.13375105]

>>13375052
is this a bit?

[Anonymous No.13375112]

>>13375094
All shit.

[Anonymous No.13375123]

>>13375097
It's not great but it's not that bad

[Anonymous No.13375136]

>>13375112
You wouldn't know quality if I bit your cock off.

[Anonymous No.13375143]

>>13375123
ok maybe a freshman english major who likes john green, still nothing to write home about

[Anonymous No.13375151]

Fuck, I though I was on /tv/

[Anonymous No.13375159]

>>13375143
Post your own.

[Anonymous No.13375168]

>>13375159
no. noone ever gives good advice here. everyone is either overly nice to get good reviews of their own writing or overly mean b/c they're salty. people don't post things they're proud of because they're too scared of negative feedback or having it stolen and so the quality of material is also very low, all first first drafts

[Anonymous No.13375178]

>>13375168
>be overly mean to people who have the guts to post their own writing
>complain about people being overly mean as an excuse to not post own writing
I don't think what I wrote is very good necessarily, I just took a random portion of my current novel and pasted it here. But I did post sections I'm proud of in the last thread and got surprisingly good reviews. I want an overall fair review of my work. The point is, you seem to be an excessively insecure individual by bashing others while refusing to post your own.

[Anonymous No.13375182]

>>13375178
>asks for critique
>gets mad when critique is given
nice projection buddy

[Anonymous No.13375201]

>>13374994
"Mary, I say hello and invite you to share with me the noon meal.
The dish would be lentil soup with sliced carrots, diced potatoes and fried plantain; for that's how I've always known it.
I would not forget to add the tomato, nor the bell pepper and neither the onion or the garlic. How could I serve you a plate full of unseasoned vegetables?
I have put all of my hopes in that our day be a clear one: I would like to take out the old wooden table to the patio. And it would not be bad at all if the mesquite gave us, generous, its shade.
And, if you accept, I only ask you to bring enough lemons with you. Know that in here we drink lemonade, just like Lorca drinks lemonade."

[Anonymous No.13375210]

Help me finally give up this pathetic charade.


>Beneath a red sky, underneath a day that could no longer go on, surrounded by darkened hills and green pastures, lies Mikasa.

>A town with quiet streets and even quieter citizens. Cold, often covered in snow, with gray days that faded into each other seamlessly.

>"...after almost a week, the body of the young girl was finally found this morning, presenting signs of torture..."

>From inside a bus moving through its lonesome streets, a news report blurted out the news of the day. Even though the news at times felt like they were looped into the same horrible routine, there were always new protagonists, new crying faces, more shed tears.

>"No fucking way, you think the rumors are true? That it's the same guy doing this shit every time?"

>"Yeah... they say the police are trying really hard to keep it quiet."

>"Damn...hey, are there any pics of her face online yet?"

>"Not yet, but damn was she hot! You know, before she got all fucked up."

>Hikari sometimes felt genuinely surprised at the extreme disconnect between people and their reaction to news. They saw and heard of people twisting in agony, but they never seemed to quite understand the gravity of it. The fact that they lived in the same place where all of this happened, and that it could happen to any of them, at any time.

>She chose to not put her earbuds back on, she knew that she wouldn't be able to focus on anything for a while. The best way to deal with this feeling was to just let it all in, to just let it burn through her.

>Above in the crimson sky, black shapes fly through the air, moving in coordination towards the ground.

>She got off the bus at her usual stop, only a few people around. Her elongated shadows shifts in front of her as she walks away from the dying sun and into a dark horizon, adorned with a pale moon.

[Anonymous No.13375216]

>>13375182
It wasn't a critique though, you took two poor grammar decisions and then called the entire thing shit based on those. In the case of the other guy you didn't even bother pointing out specifics, you literally just called the entire thing shit. en called the entire thing shit based on those. That's not a good faith critique, that conveys a person set on tearing down others. I don't expect you to be any less of a dick, I just want to let you know you're a cowardly faggot.

[Anonymous No.13375219]

Sometimes I wish I could have gone to Vietnam and been a killer in a green suit and jungle boots with a nickname like Halftrack or Iron Mike or Shake-and-Bake or Crazy Davy written in crude letters on the back of my steel helmet. Sometimes I would like to have known the intimate skill of field stripping an M-16 in the dark or the sensual seconds between the tossing of an armed hand grenade and its blast. I would like to have known the shudder of a chopper, the slosh of rice paddies, the rattle of small arms fire, the crump of mortars, the scream of artillery, the roar of supporting jets. I would like to recall the sweet taste of the earth at the bottom of a foxhole, the acrid smell of burned powder, the tingle of Agent Orange, the glow of phosphorus, the joy of C-ration peaches. I would like to remember the fear of pungi stakes and tripwires and Bouncing Bettys. Sometimes I wish I knew what I-Corps was like, or the Mekong Delta, Chu Lai, Hue, or Saigon; I would like to have walked down The Street Without Joy.

Sometimes I wish I could have marked time with a felt-tipped pen on the sides of my helmet; I would have counted the days in clusters with a slash for every fifth day and as the days passed and the count grew the replacements would have envied me my time. And, as the count neared 365, I would have known that I had changed, that I was no longer the Green Grunt who had made the first mark, that I was almost a veteran. I would know that only a raw recruit could envy those marks as the simple passing of time and I would shake my head. As a veteran, I would be able to look at the marks on my helmet and understand them as more than time; they would measure distance, too. If I were a veteran, I would know that those marks were mileposts measuring the distance between The War and The World. If I were a veteran, I would understand space and time; I would understand the distance between The War and The World. I would join a veterans' organization.

[Anonymous No.13375220]

>>13375094
my take:
>she whined like a dog
>he was horny
>the memory was fading in a welcome fog of early onset alzheimer's
>he stood there like a brick shithouse

[Anonymous No.13375223]

>>13375182
It wasn't a critique though, you took two poor grammar decisions and then called the entire thing shit based on those. In the case of the other guy you didn't even bother pointing out specifics, you literally just called the entire thing shit. That's not a good faith critique, that conveys a person set on tearing down others. I don't expect you to be any less of a dick, I just want to let you know you're a cowardly faggot

[Anonymous No.13375230]

>>13374994
I’m intrigued to read more but not much more, but if this what your story is about I’m not into it. The character is what pulls me in, I’d enjoy reading about a sheltered mommas boy who is in love with a nasty whore as long is this is just an aspect of his blundering and not actually about getting the girl.

[Anonymous No.13375240]

>>13375220
I wrote those as standalone sentences but fuck me if there wasn't a narrative all along. Thanks lol.

[Anonymous No.13375246]

>>13375223
i didnt critique anyone but you, calm down. i was op all along :^). i thought you were the pepe person and responded in kind. i do find what you wrote boring, but it's certainly not terrible
>>13375230
yeah the main plot is elsewhere, this just estaishes the character

[Anonymous No.13375254]

>>13375230
i would add i threw this together on the fly, ive had the main idea in my head for awhile and i cant figure out how to get it out, i think this is another false start :/

[Anonymous No.13375336]

>>13375219
mildly interesting concept, milquetoast prose and structural execution

[Anonymous No.13375409]

>>13375219
>Sometimes I wish I could have gone to Vietnam and been a killer in a green suit

[Anonymous No.13375430]

So when a letter arrived about Marty asking for time off from work, I replied "You will find out soon enough. Just call me back to ask and I will tell you what is going on" and he called me and said that he wasn't sure of all this, he couldn't do anything with me and said it's my job to talk to him as he doesn't know much. Kepnes has become very protective about his children, which is understandable despite the fact this is clearly a very controlling, demanding father, especially when you consider his family dynamics and upbringing with other children. She was worried because she lived in a nice apartment so there was no one else to come over and live with me, as far as I knew if she would like them she'd be out of business. I had some other children but they were with my wife's parents.
One thing I found interesting was that most of his children were born before his marriage ended in divorce. However, he would not give them the benefit of the doubt, saying "When I tell my friends and even my daughter what he did, they say, 'Oh God, that would be impossible.' But my son did it; I love you, my darling."

[Anonymous No.13375477]

>>13375336
post work

[Anonymous No.13375531]

>>13374994
turkey jez wheres the turkey

[Anonymous No.13375532]

>>13375210
It's too much, but almost everything has a good idea in it, unlike a lot of shit here. I think you need to let each idea breathe a bit and not cram two contrasting effects into one sentence. See your first sentence or the last one especially.

[Anonymous No.13375637]

“Order up, bitch boy!” said BeBop into his portable communication device. Pomade was already almost back from his delivery. Pizza max always had to keep him on the grind.

“Ten Four sicko!” Pomade exited the off ramp and pulled into the bay of the parking lot. “Ko Konga, Rwanda. Lets get this show on the road!” The drone was already waiting with the fresh pies. His ride got loaded up and he was out before he was even in.

Fuel pumped into the skies as he kicked back and let the audi mati take this one. He popped up his InterTuber account and pulled up a recommended video as his car drove along at twenty miles per hour. A fat man appeared on screen after an introductory clip. He began to speak.

“Hey Robbie Robert Family! Remember to like and subscribe! You can buy this cool new merch shirt we just put up on our store, or you can provide a monthly donation to keep this channel going!” A picture of a skull appeared next to him.

“But now to todays topic. Have you looked outside recently? I have. There are scrum on the streets. Homeless immigrants wanting to steal your jobs. Wanting to take your opportunity away from you. Can you believe that? I know it’s hard to hear but its true. Facts don’t care about your feelings, bucko.”

Pomade got bored of this and skipped to the next video. It was of a woman wearing nothing but feathers with elongated features. Purple lights flashed on her face.

“Babies, have you ever felt the need to rage against the machine? Darling I always feel this way! But you may ask, “Gabby, you profit off the machine! How can you sit here any complain about it?” Well in response I ask you this, how did we get our rights to adopt dogs after The King passed a bill to ban it? We used our cellphones and InterTuber! That’s how, babies. We use the tools at hand, even if they were created under this machine.”

Boring. He flipped to the next one.

[Anonymous No.13375642]

>>13375637
“Have you ever thought about how cubes, are just rectangles, but less fat?”

Next.

“Kittens are part of the Jewish question, in this Fred Talk I will-”

Next.

“I will now repeat the phrase “It’s Pizza Time” one thousand times.”

Perfect.

“It’s pizza time.”

Pomade closed his eyes for a little bit. He had been working all day. He was tired.

“It’s pizza time.”

He didn’t look at the clouds above, but he heard a chirping. Droneo. About forty of em’. Flying in fast, way faster than he could go in this deadlock.

“It’s pizza time.”

He sat up fast. The next off ramp was four lanes over about half a mile up. He put his blinker on. Good thing he had filled up on blinker fluid recently.

“It’s pizza time.”

He flipped on his disrupter setup. Checked his map. He’d only be off by about ten minutes with the detour.

“It’s pizza time.”

The drones came closer, hovering a few yards above the parking lot of vehicles.

“It’s pizza time.”

Pomade clenched the steering wheel, one lane over. Two more to go. Fuck-a-roo.

“It’s pizza time.”

One more to go. The drones were just a few feet above him.

“It’s pizza time.”

He was over all the way. He sped forward and pulled down the exit. He looked behind him to see the drones collectively pick up an eco-friendly brand vehicle. Anything that ran off electricity for fuel wasn’t allowed on the freeway. What an idiot.

“It’s pizza time.”

[Anonymous No.13375797]

>>13375220
my take:
>sex
>sex
>sex
>sex

[Anonymous No.13375828]

this is the most god awful crit thread I've ever seen. You people are fucking dogs and I can't wait till summer is over

[Anonymous No.13375867]

>>13375477
seething

[Anonymous No.13375870]

>that guy who replies to criticism with the demand to post work

You don't have to be a great writer to criticise bad writing, why bother asking for critique if you are only going to accept dicksucking

[Anonymous No.13375871]

>>13375637
who is saying ten four sicko?

new line for dialogue

>todays

>scrum

I suggest you not post anything until you have made some basic effort at grammar and spelling, it's impolite

[Anonymous No.13375891]

>>13375871
I was going to edit later, but you are right, anon. My apologies.

[Anonymous No.13375945]

>>13375867
>>13375870
post work

[Anonymous No.13376136]

[Anonymous No.13376322]

What’cha think?

[Anonymous No.13376948]

>>13376322
Capitalisation of The Girl is a mistake, the "at any point" in your first sentence makes no sense and the "seemed more down" is probably the wrong grammatical construction to describe a progressive change. The distinction between fate and EVERYTHING which follows is confusing. Pacing ahead to the sight of something is again wrong. Waters coming in with the tide seems unnecessary. An unsteady winds is a mistake.

No point reading further until you proofread.

[Anonymous No.13377063]

>>13376948
seemedmore

[Anonymous No.13377144]

>>13374994
Tell me if this makes sense.


Feet that pedal with Desire
To their prize'd mark,
Do ache with haste, and in that haste,
Lose grace in their step,
Thus exiting those riptides of fate,
Of those guiding streams of life,
And thus their target does vanish
in mockingly fashion.

[Anonymous No.13377159]

>>13377144
Someone is on a bicyce but they are actually stepping on the pedals. They are going to a non specified mark which means they are out of the riptide of fate. Which then means that they lose track of their target. Which is maybe not how fate works. Then you misuse an adverb.

No, I'm not sure how much sense it makes.

[Anonymous No.13377243]

>>13377144
It's shit, you're fucking up your beats in several senses of the word. You need to at least have a bit of tension and release that lasts for more than a sentence.

[Anonymous No.13377259]

>>13375210
Less is more. Stop with the noodling, get to the point.

[Anonymous No.13377544]

>>13377243
Post work

[Anonymous No.13377602]

>>13376322

The Giver fan fic?

[Anonymous No.13377680]

>>13377544
Don't get salty dude. Go to a poetry reading and read it and you'll see what I mean.

If you want hand holding advice: keep the same beats but increase the amount of words between them, you're writing like you had a fucking check list. There's plenty you could say without it being shite.

[Anonymous No.13377684]

>>13377680
that wasnt me

[Anonymous No.13377761]

>>13374994
fucking dogshit

[Anonymous No.13378068]

>>13377144
poetry is meant to be read aloud and have a rhythem, this doesn't

[Anonymous No.13378072]

>inb4 critique others.

I do, just anounamyously to avoid tainting the opinions of the people critiquing my work


Galahad and the Tarasque.


Come near and let me tell you now
Of Galahad the just
A noble knight from Camelot
Who tamed the fierce Tarasque

One day there came a messenger,
From a far-off land.
He came to tell about the beast
Which they could not withstand

Galahad rode throughout the night,
To reach the hamlet fast.
Through bush and branch he rush’d
Without his help they would not last

The people greeted him with joy
and described the loathsome creature
a lion’s head, six short legs.
It’s tail a fearsome feature

The Tarasque lived upon the hill
High above the village.
Galahad strode up, determined
To stop the evil pillage

The ancient forest was its home
which it shared with others
fierce wolves and brigands, who took turns
robbing men and mothers

The fierce beast hurtled out the cave
And Galahad met it
Tooth and Nail against metal
And he beat it back bit by bit

But at the entrance of the cave
The creature held its ground
So, Galahad waited outside
Sat down and began to propound

Galahad spoke from moon to moon
About Jesus Christ his lord.
The Tarasque listened and was saved,
No more need for the sword.

“But what will I eat now it said?”
He told it of his plan
And led it down to the village.
No more would it hunt man

From then it kept the people safe
Serving penance for sin
So the village prospered
And the thankful people fed him

[Anonymous No.13378581]

>>13377602
Don’t know what that is, sorry.

[Anonymous No.13378654]

>>13377684
No worries dude, pacing is not always the easiest to get anyway, I like the general concept and it's fixable. Definitely go to poetry reading thing dawg.

[Anonymous No.13378692]

>>13376948
>paced ahead
What was wrong with this line?

[Anonymous No.13378718]

O INVISIBLE ONE, GOD OF THE INNER AND OUTER, BRINGER OF DAY AND NIGHT, GIVER OF LIFE AND DEATH, IN WHOSE CROWN THE SUN AND MOON ARE BUT JEWELS, LORD OF CREATION AND DESTRUCTION, AND SUSTAINER OF ALL THAT IS.
THE UNIVERSE IS AFLAME WITH YOUR GLORY.
YOUR POWER IS MANIFEST IN THE GRAND WHEEL OF THE DHARMA.
YOUR POWER IS MANIFEST IN THE PASSAGE OF SOULS FROM WORLD TO WORLD.
YOUR POWER IS MANIFEST IN THE ENLIGHTENMENT OF MEN.
YOUR POWER IS MANIFEST IN THE OMNIPRESENCE OF LOVE.
YOUR POWER IS MANIFEST IN THE ANIMATION OF ALL LIFE.
O ORIGINATOR, YOUR WAYS ARE UNKNOWN TO THE UNWISE.
O GREAT ONE, YOUR SKILL IS HIDDEN FROM THE FOOLISH.
O MERCIFUL ONE, THE CRUEL ARE BLIND TO YOUR BEAUTY.
O MIGHTY ONE, THE UNCONTROLLED ARE CRUSHED BY YOUR STRENGTH.
O MAGNIFICENT ONE, THE PATH TO YOU IS WITHOUT NAME.
THOU ART THE HOLY OF HOLIES, THE ABSOLUTE, THE PRIME.
TRANSCENDER OF ALL, PRESENT EVERYWHERE, AND BEYOND EVERYTHING AND NOTHING.
WE DWELL IN THE AURA OF YOUR SUPREME MAJESTY, AS ONE.

ATEN.

[Anonymous No.13379047]

>>13378581
Never mind, I looked it up.

[Anonymous No.13379139]

Every day I wake up, and all that lies before me are push ups, a run, some time fucking around on a stationary bike, and reading a book. I wish I could be a boy scout or some shit but unfortunately I'm an adult, and as an adult there is no organization that forces me to socialize. Well there's jobs, but fuck jobs. There's only one job I want, and in order to get it I need to do more push ups.
The first time I did LSD, I took three tabs. I thought for some reason that despite everybody's recommendations to not do three tabs, I would be just fine. Boy was I wrong.
Then came three years of wasting away trying to find some happiness. At first I thought "hell, I'm 16 and all I do is smoke pot in my moms garage all day, and when my large group of friends get off school they all join me. Im livin the dream!"
Well those friends went to college. That was fine by me. I was going to get married to a British citizen living in eastern Europe, and with a wife I would be happy and fulfilled and never want for anything. Boy was I wrong. I mean, I always knew her parents hated me, but hate is a powerful thing that can fuck you over in the blink of an eye.
One day, i'm gonna write a book about those four days, detail every single moment through those sleepless nights and tense situations. I'm gonna tell the world exactly what happened to me and how it made me the person i'm going to become. But for now, I'm just doing push ups and reading a book about the first world war.
I remember when I was 16, I could do over a hundred push ups with perfect form in under 2 minutes. If I had just gone on to graduate high school and steer clear of women, maybe I would be where I want to be right now. But I'll be damned if I'll sit here regretting things. What happened happened, and the outcome of every single experience is sitting here, typing this on /lit/.
I still love that girl. Maybe one day I'll give her a call and see if she's been faithful. But first, I need to do more push ups.

[Anonymous No.13379300]

*cracks knuckles*
*puts on fingerless gloves*
wachu think eeeeeeeeensells?

World's most powerful data. Real letters against real screens. You've never felt clearer to me, is that the primer for love. Clarity, I don't want to move from here, grow up. Leave, don't leave.
He acts like he isn't there, even 2 feet way.
People look at me and get bored. I'm a boring individual, I get on reddit catalogs reading others that expierenced social malfunctions cause of how boring they are. I can't maintain anyones attention past 30 seconds so I binge on tv shows, erotica and more podcasts. I voraciosly slimmer media down the glut chute. I binge I binge I binge, and I drink some more. It's all for entertainment, is everyone just observatory now? Protect? Who's even intacting the malicious dialogue anymore? Is that real, what a fucking arena we're put in. Yea no shit I'll watch this is my favorite. Oh I'm bored?? I guess I'll go non binary now. Hnnnnnnnnnnnnmm. If everyones expierencing the same, since I'm one with my human compatriots, surely they'll be reasonable when I walk outside and exude my boredomness. Please get that yapper movin, chew food with me! Date me, appraise me, lets tag significance on one another and things. Virtue signaling, what a garble! I didn't grow up with that, maybe I've been doing it all along. He's done it again social commentaristas!! My heads abrazen, we're molding the earth before our own hands. Chew me inside out, suckle your teeth, get all of me, my manure, hardened teeth, my mind. I'm full of lead aren't I? Social editors are constantly behind me, HE SIGHS. LE SIGH, LE SAD WORLD FOR ME. Hoooooaan. Moan six o clock. Gotta work for a kike.
When we're IT, INTEGRATED T FORCE, TOGEHTER (that part where you names goes on it INTEGRATED TOGETHER) we mask laughter, funnies, and good sense. Daddy let me watch a brown embroided persian cloth, god your fucking boring son. S to S, have sex son. He never started it for fun, embroidery death spiral, how loud. I can never fish on getting it to sound loud, not yet, not this early
T. over 23 year old boomers living in who the fuck who 1995

[Anonymous No.13379330]

>>13379300
do some push ups

[Anonymous No.13379354]

>>13379330
I overhead press 100lbs for reps big dog

[Anonymous No.13379463]

>>13379354
That's not impressive unless you double it
Do some push ups

[Anonymous No.13379497]

>>13379463
I'm at 130 about 6-8 reps right now. Will pushups help you move up or just heavier weights? It's hard enough without a spotter

[Anonymous No.13379527]

>>13379497
pull ups after OHP till you give out

[Anonymous No.13379532]

>>13379497
pushups help you do more pushups
Why do you think I do so many pushups?

[Anonymous No.13379675]

>>13379532
So it won't help me double my max? Eh, whatever. It'll help I'm sure

[Anonymous No.13379822]