Critique

[Anonymous No.13210566]

Thoughts on my masterpiece?

https://pastebin.com/pxwd61SF

[Anonymous No.13210961]

reposting cuz there was a sentence in a wrong place, edited in this one:

https://pastebin.com/P0LPSncz

[Anonymous No.13211548]

>>13210566
Time for the next project anon, I don't think this one has legs. Put down the manga and pick up the classics is my advice.

[Anonymous No.13211587]

one last edit itt (found another sentence where it didn't belong):

https://pastebin.com/UVZtAMBV


>>13211548
Classics are quite hard to replicate

[Anonymous No.13211809]

I looked up your name on goodreads. Did you really write a story titled 'Catgirl Misaki the Vampire Hunter'?

[Anonymous No.13211819]

>>13210566
The only thing about it...it's the hardest. I can actually see the outlines of your penis as well as the base. The edges on the back of the hand are my most difficult part!

[Anonymous No.13211832]

>>13210566
>Thoughts on my masterpiece?
I've stolen it and sent it to my publisher.

[Anonymous No.13211847]

"Marie was a C-cup but she still had hope due to her young age."

Yeah uh, this is not a good way to describe a woman's appearance.

I read the first few paragraphs. I found the weird blend between Japanese names, the western slang, and the period setting very jarring. I would not expect to see the word 'dude' in a fantasy story. I know I only read a small part, but we aren't obligated to read anything, making us an accurate representation of an audience. I wouldn't want to keep reading this.

>>13211587
Has the right idea, this feels very tropey edgy anime. You should try again.

[Anonymous No.13211866]

>>13210566
Opening as it did, I assumed it was a joke. The length suggests this is real.

I hope it at least sells well, otherwise I need to ask why you're doing this.

[Anonymous No.13211878]

>>13211866
I take it all back, it's clearly a joke. Well done on a convincing impression of a 12 year-old weeb.

[Anonymous No.13211894]

not a joke

[Anonymous No.13211895]

>>13211878
I genuinely don't know if it is. Who writes a 1400 line joke?

[Anonymous No.13211900]

>>13211895
He's an impressive shitposter or a disappointing weeb. Choose to believe with me.

[Anonymous No.13211942]

>>13211809
Yes, there was quite a long thread on it here not too long ago.

>>13210566
I think you're definitely improving as a writer, OP. I expect you know this, but I wouldn't ask /lit/ too much for criticism/advice, the guys here won't usually be very helpful.

[Anonymous No.13211973]

>>13211942
Thx for your kind words. Is that.. a positive review I just read by you?

[Anonymous No.13212917]

>>13211847
What's a good fantasy story like?

[Anonymous No.13212968]

My surroundings disappeared and all I saw was Cody. He ran out of the party and I followed him. Tears flowed down my cheeks. The music was turned all the way down and the lights turned on as I ran out of the room to the outside of the dorm.

The cold night air cloaked my warm body and my breath disintegrated under the sidewalk lamp while I frantically tried to make it all better. Cody was pacing around aimlessly.

“Oh my god, oh my god, this isn’t good, my parents are gonna kill me. Im such an idiot! Why the fuck did we do that? How am I gonna pay for this?”

“Cody I’m so sorry bro, I just punched and I didn’t mean to hit you in the mouth… it was an accident… I’m so sorry man. Here let me see it…”

“No Ray, get away!” He turned his face away from me.

“Cody I didn’t mean to…”

“Sorry Ray, you're right. You didn’t mean to and it was my idea. But fuck man! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my teeth.”

“We’ll think of something, I’ll help you pay it off. My parents can help maybe.”

“No Ray. This is my problem to deal with.”

I had to make it better. I pulled my phone out and called home.

“Ray?” my dad answered.

“Dad!”

“Ray, what are you doing it’s 11 pm on a Saturday night. Don’t you have any friends you can talk to?”

“Dad I need your help. So me and Cody were boxing—“

“You were what? Boxing? Ray you know you can’t fight, what are you talking about?”

“I know Dad, I know. But I accidentally knocked Cody’s teeth out during the match and he needs help paying for the surgery—“

“Oh Jesus Christ Ray.” He hung up.

“Don’t worry Cody, I’ll find a way to help.”

“Ray stop, you’re honestly making it worse.”

His words hit me like a brick and I shut up.

The front door of the dorm burst open. Grace came running out towards us with smudged mascara. Drew followed behind her.

“Hey that was a nice punch man,” Drew said mockingly.

“Drew shut up,” Grace told him.

I did my best to control my sniffles and dry my eyes.

Grace was holding a tissue in her hands and unfolded it. Cody’s teeth were in it.

“I broke my teeth when I was a kid and my parents held on to them for the dentist. I forget if they ended up using them or not, but one of you should hold on to them.”

I grabbed the tissue from her. “Thank you Grace.” Cody was still pacing up and down the sidewalk.

“Did you watch it happen?”

“Yeah, it was a pretty stupid idea,” she laughed reluctantly.

“Yeah it really was,” Drew chimed in.

“I know. I’ve gotta fix it.”

[Anonymous No.13212977]

>>13212968
“Are you okay Cody?” Grace asked.

“Well apart from my teeth missing I feel fine.” He gave a wide smile, fully displaying the empty gap in the middle of his teeth. “Can’t wait for class tomorrow!”

I laughed nervously. The knot in my throat was reemerging.

“Anyway, this has been an eventful night. I think I’m gonna go to my dorm and google what to do once your teeth have been knocked out. Night all!” Cody began walking South.

“Cody wait, I should come, maybe help out with things.”

“Ray seriously, fucking stop! You’re not gonna wave a wand and make everything better.” He looked me in the eyes. “This happened. You didn’t mean to. Now I have to deal with it. Life will go on. Go get some sleep or something.” With that he walked off.

[Anonymous No.13212986]

>>13212968
you write like the famous sci-fi author

[Anonymous No.13213492]

>>13211819
what

[Anonymous No.13213515]

>>13210566
Keep up the good work

[Anonymous No.13213642]

>>13213515
Is this good first paragraph:

He put his hand between her tween legs. She was wet. His sister was wet. He slipped in a finger, it wasn't like his fleshlight, it was better, alive, like a tight birdnest full of jello; or a swimring, your ribs screaming, rubbing, her inside of it with you, stuck, wet, slimy, stuck. He fingered her. First with one finger, then with two. She made moans like a girl in a porn, but quieter; they were not alone in the house.

[rushed work i wrote today befo(...) No.13213740]

Everyone’s shirts are wet with sweat under the armpits which makes Nadine feel a little less self-conscious about her own stained shirt, although not enough for her to remove her jacket or uncross her arms. The auditorium is easily over legal occupancy forcing shoulders to touch, jabbing elbows, and everybody’s breath brushing the back of everybody else’s neck. It’s also dark, and late: 10:30 P.M. Nadine isn’t used to covering rallies, let alone what might turn into a primary victory party. Her circuit is bureaucracy. Policy implementation at the micro-level, the sort of nit and grit work that the government actually does, or is supposed to do, largely in nondescript concrete buildings around Washington and filled with white-collars who commute every day from Arlington, Fairfax, Bethesda, many as far as Baltimore, Philadelphia, Gettysburg. She’s been glued to Robert from The Post the whole night hoping that he might rub off some confidence or insight since he’s covered about a hundred of these and seems to know everyone here on a first-name basis.
“I hardly even know the first thing about this guy,” says Nadine, “I’ve seen his ads, his tweet about the income tax or whatever.”
Robert is looking intensely at an instructional cooking video on his phone.
“Him eating state-appropriate food.”
The screen of Robert’s phone is too moist to comfortably use and he puts it back into his pocket after trying to turn it off four or five times.
“And now he’s the front-runner. I really don’t get it.”
Nadine’s journalism is normally the kind that’s neither glamourous nor, to most people, important. Her articles were read almost exclusively by professional policy analysts and the odd-enthusiast until she broke something fairly major about a loop-hole in the allocation of Labor Department funds, causing a crisis centering around its head Secretary that is still ongoing.
Robert is wearing a black tee-shirt. Most people don’t actually dress up for rallies. The few that do are always important and garner a lot of attention from the casually dressed attendees. Robert keeps his press-pass in his other pocket, taking it out only when he needs to prove himself.
“You know that guy who you pass on the street about every day?” Robert says, “He just barely registers in the peripheral before he disappears again, until the next block. I mean he’s obviously not the same exact guy but he might as well be.”
“Of course. I hate that guy.”
“Well that’s the candidate. He’s that guy.”
The stench is palpable like a wall.

[Anonymous No.13213880]

>>13213642
I gave swimring and birdnest spaces (though now they are not "tight" anymore)
>swim ring
>bird nest
And now I write like Stephen King according to iwl.me

[Anonymous No.13213952]

>>13213880
>keep getting Nabakov, who I've never read, or DFW
>tfw really just wanna write like flaubert
fun site though. wish it showed how it worked.

[Anonymous No.13213954]

>>13213952
https://pastebin.com/64KG43SV

Even the 2nd paragraph got King

[Anonymous No.13214002]

>>13213952
I'm questioning the validity of the methodology used by the site. Apparently the sample in pic related resembles the writing of Nabokov.

[Anonymous No.13214010]

>>13214002
It only has 50 authors: https://iwl.me/about/
It's open source though, somebody could easily make an expanded/more precise version of it.

[Anonymous No.13214052]

So, this is my (OP's) first chapter of my next whatever. I write like James Joyce now, apparently.

https://pastebin.com/d7Te0w4V

[Anonymous No.13214077]

First chapter
https://pastebin.com/T0819qHp

Opinions?

[Anonymous No.13214285]

I think this is going somewhere (I'm OP). Before this bread gets deleted I wanna share what I'm written so far. Gonna write like 300+ pages this time.

https://pastebin.com/eZ0YVcQ8

[Anonymous No.13214420]

>>13210566
Sounds like Goblin Slayer.

[Anonymous No.13214457]

https://pastebin.com/zBQwMrGx

I think this isn't at all like a manga. It's not that hard to write normal stuff. Maybe I should spice it up with more interesting verbs and words later on idk.

[Anonymous No.13214895]

One last update of my novel. I removed all the artsy fartsy bullshit i.e. the first paragraph and now it's good. https://pastebin.com/6ViQMSEw

ofc, I dunno if it's okay to start with sex, esp. between bro and sis but it's an attention grabber at least

[Anonymous No.13214941]

>>13214895
there are still some roadblocks, it seems, like that weird idiom "it's above my head how," changed it to "I don't get how" ..never really heard anyone say "it's above my head how" but I was thinking of the character's mental state literally. Maybe I should be less OCD. Well I won't post anymore ITT so that it can 404. There's so much to learn. I don't think this will be a classic, but I could always put this 1st chapter as last, or something.

[Anonymous No.13214961]

Miller waited till the autumn winds died before he spoke again. He turned his collar up and, strolling coolly along the path, one hand in his pocket, indicated a newsstand with his cigarette. We passed through the gate and entered the park.
“Suppose you’re on a train; that’s life going, going on. Kids are glued to the windows because they like the speed, find something funny in the way the trees whizz past and the mountains stay the same. Everything’s new, there’s excitement and thrill. Dad’s reading that day’s paper or finishing important work while mum casts her sentinel gaze over her chicks or gloats with other mums. Seniors find rapture in crosswords because, damn it, the mind needs it. Their stop’s first, life’s over. Where are you?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
One ought to care about these things, he implored—care because it was the right thing to do. Life was in the signing of one’s name, the folding of an envelope, the race to absorb the fleeting facts of the everyday. Danger was everywhere, he said, so it paid to know when it might strike. He groaned and walked off.
The ash of the cigarette he’d pinged away lay heaped like a mountain crumbled to dust. I delivered it to the bin mere feet away and caught up. “Miller, where am I?”
“One of the kids grazes you and you’re none the wiser: you’re asleep in the middle row.”
Taking our usual positions at the start of the trail—we had half an hour before heading back to the office—Rowan Park Lake came into view. A boy controlled a boat from the bank which sent up a blinding spray as it sped across the expanse. Exultations followed as it effortlessly cut the wind, skimmed the surface, lifted itself into the air, and landed safely on its hull. As clouds parted the revived sun made the jets of water, blasting as if from a firehose, look like an exploded diamond through the mesh of light.
We took seats on the edge of the bank. I could sense his stare as he sat hunched over with his arms wrapped around his knees. He tapped his foot with a kind of nervous energy. Then he paused, looked at me with a grin, took a deep breath for the barrage:
“Christ, maybe you needed more time away, is that it? Do you even know who’s leading the election? No? Okay, take it down a notch, then. Who won Fifty Facts last night? Why can’t you care, Charles?”

[Anonymous No.13215710]

https://pastebin.com/5Tfm4nPM

About 50 pages into this novel. Hopefully it gets published. Who wants to critique it?

[Anonymous No.13216084]

bump

[Anonymous No.13216336]

>>13214895
I wrote this high af. But now that I slept on it and even though there were some weird expressions in it, like "opened his legs sideways," due to it being a draft, when just "opened his legs" would've sufficed, and too much sex, but if you cut limit opening to just fooling around between siblings and quickly move on to dialogue + tidy it up it's actually a pretty fun and probably not too stale opener for a quirky small town YA story. "Write like you speak." But also "write like you fuck." Nah I like it.

[Anonymous No.13216790]

I fixed everything
https://pastebin.com/aKJFL89n

[Anonymous No.13218241]

Bump

[Anonymous No.13219057]

Bump

[Anonymous No.13219622]

>>13211895
I can see my younger self writing something akin to this. Less dweeb and more purple prose.

[Anonymous No.13220949]

>>13212986
I did this and apparently I write like Agatha Christie. I used one chapter from my almost finished novel. Then I used another and it came up with the same answer. I wonder what logic it uses to come up with these answers?

[Anonymous No.13221236]

>>13210566
All women are sirens. Not the beautiful kind from mythology, those who try to seduce Odysseus and his crew from the sea rocks. Niet. Women are 'sirens' ... the kind that are limbless snake-shaped amphibians. They slither under the slimy algae in ponds and estuaries, and lay upon sullen riverbeds.

[Anonymous No.13222036]

Surprised that the thread is still up.

Okay I finished the story,

https://pastebin.com/u0pRPJ8V

I should probably give it an edit before sharing, but too lazy to do edit it right now. My guess would be that it's average lit at best.

[Anonymous No.13222492]

>>13222036
nvm I edited it after all, https://pastebin.com/CUsWH2AL

Think I'll just edit my stories from now on. it reads like poor man's Murakami, or maybe an offbeat dream Larry Clark might see