Critique thread

[Anonymous No.13126768]

Previous>>13103980

We're working together to improve. Don't critique those who don't critique before/along with their piece.

[Anonymous No.13126841]

I
below the reeds, the wind in amble glide, the dragonfly in fists of shade,
and the trees like green antenna by the lake,
there is a prison emptying, a hand reaching for my sleeve
from out the water—

II
on this couch of martian lovers, absently in smoke we nod,
music brewing from a wand; our translucent tomb.
the hand rose as a mint leaf blown
carefully to my shoulder. incisor of the oyster
night from which our songs diffuse.
and though i swayed in emerald fields, bit
the harpy's tit, sat on a black beach and tossed
memories into the froth— the hand was still.
it sent me toward the water.

III
to be sunk in an undine cloister, fat with mortuary bliss,
and a silence so intimate, i feel
there is no one here but the yawn of reeds.

[Anonymous No.13126870]

>>13126768

Cleanly written but not particularly engaging. I love "just shoes scuffing the marble" theres personality in that. I get a sort of post modern feel from this whole style and plot and it's not poorly orchestrated but it just feels lacking in flavor. I have this impression you could write more enticingly but are playing it safe for some reason. This is well written but too placid. Lots of potential. I'm >>13126841 btw

[Anonymous No.13126949]

I have a question. In stanza two, line eight, should I stick with "little voyeurs" or try "tiny voyeurs"? On the one hand, I enjoy the childishness of "little", but I think the repetition of the T sound in "tiny voyeurs " followed soon by "tiny ghosts" sounds appropriate.

Yes, I know the meter's fucked in this one.

[Anonymous No.13126954]

>>13126768
it's good, fast-paced and a little eerie (hoping thats what you were going for) but I'd put in way more similes and figurative language to enhance the vibe without having to state it explicitly

>>13126841
I like it a lot, I'm not smart enough to get it but it's great language

[Anonymous No.13126993]

>>13126949

Tiny voyeurs is correct. The consoncance is worthwhile and "tired ghosts" picks it up well. Not a fan of the first stanza though, the Orion thing feels contrived.

[Anonymous No.13127360]

>>13126768
What this guy said >>13126870 basically. The maniacal mustache twirling comes off as cliche. I'm sure that was done purposefully, maybe ironically, but it doesn't work. In the beginning you repeat the word "handle" a bunch of times, which I assume was for contrast (i.e. each one is handling something different), but that also doesn't really work well imo, and you should just use different words to describe those activities. There are points where you use basic words where more descriptive terms would have been applicable. I'm not saying you should use fancy terms just to show off, but there are times were better vocabulary is necessary just to get a proper description across, and the basic terms say so little they may as well be communicating nothing at all. Take the second sentence, for example. Harsh wind *coming* from the helichopper? That's too bland. You can do better than "coming". There's a lot of other examples like that, so I won't enumerate. Just go through it and spruce up the vocab a bit, again, not in order to show off, but to have more effective description.

I'm the hostel/carpenter story guy from the last thread, if you guys recall. Here's some more material I would appreciate feedback on. I worry the tone is maybe a bit cheesy. I'm also interested on your thoughts on the start of the story he tells (starts on second page). I'm going for a one-sentence thing so it sounds like a rambly old man's tale.

Sorry for not critiquing the poem contributions. I don't really feel competent to critique poetry.

[Anonymous No.13127909]

>>13126949
The first stanza feel kinda clumsy to me. I think is the line about bow that bothers me. I like the second one better anon.

[Anonymous No.13128099]

>>13127909
I think you'd benefit from reading your sentences out loud to yourself and thinking about how you can use punctuation to best communicate the rhythm and tone you have in mind. As it is, I think your punctuation really deflates what you've written.
There are also some phrases I'd consider changing as well. "Since" feels very informal in a way that doesn't complement the piece, especially when it's right next to something as excessively posh as "forever dwells upon my eyes," which sticks out in its own way.
Overall, work on really getting a clear idea of the tone you're going for and sticking with it. I get the impression that you work on each sentence individually instead of as a whole, which might be making things harder for yourself. Keep practicing!
>>13126841
Really nice, you have a great understanding of prosody (to my poetically-inexperienced ears, anyway) and know how to conjure up a good image. I'd love to read more if you have any

[Anonymous No.13128135]

I'd appreciate any and all writing feedback, but I'm also really interested in hearing interpretations of the plot so far. I obviously already know what's going on so I don't have a very good read on if I've given enough information to clue the reader in on what's happening.
My feedback is above, I'll give some more as the thread picks up

[Anonymous No.13128147]

>>13127909
Editing obviously needs tightening. Second sentence 'The alarm...A question' is clunky. Slightly more personal but I don't like the staring at the sun thing. Maybe cos the sensation of staring 'directly' looking at the sun just makes me imagine your protag bent over in pain, not walking around more or less fine. If it was me I'd amend it to something that indicates looking near the sun but not directly into it, even just like 'looking towards the sun' or something, so it sounds slightly less melodramatic. Just me though. Enjoyed the second para, nice ending. Too many uses of 'the', again purely my opinion. Rework a little so you can get rid of 'the' in first and third sentence of second para for example. Like for example, maybe 'The eternal battle of man and insect' you know? Flows better to me. Up to you though. Pretty fun overall, I like.

[Anonymous No.13128212]

I posted this one a few crit threads ago but didnt get that much response. It was my second attempt at writing so feedback appreciated lol

[Anonymous No.13128264]

>>13128212
Not bad for a second shot. I like your attention to the physical objects in the scene and how they're being manipulated
I might recommend staying away from first-person writing until you have some more experience under your belt. It's very hard to get right, and it doesn't help that it's the go-to for many young, inexperienced writers. That said, you pulled it off better than I would have been able to in my second piece of writing

Also that first comma should either be a semicolon, an em-dash, or a period

[Anonymous No.13128274]

>>13128099
>>13128147
This is another piece of it. Some anon told me it was kinda good.

[Anonymous No.13128301]

>>13128274
You're averaging like ~0.8 cliches per sentence.
"It's" is short for "it is," the possessive word "its" has no apostrophe

[Anonymous No.13128352]

>>13128135
if i'm not mistaken you've changed some things from the one you originally posted. ive only lances briefly but it's definitely an improvement on the one i remember reading some threads ago. editing can truly do wonders. ill give you a more indepth critique tomorrow morning if i can

[Anonymous No.13128363]

>>13128352
>lances
glanced* aaaaand that's why I don't want to do an indepth critique while phoneposting

[Anonymous No.13128379]

>>13128274
Yeah I like this one a lot more personally, it feels a lot tighter and denser than your first one, enjoy the teeth-saws image, that's good, has the same fun over-the-top feel of your first post, but better integrated. Still one or two tiny nigges lol - need a comma after 'coming and going', but yeah nice. What you think of mine?
>>13128212

>>13128264
Thanks, yeah probably a good idea, just felt like trying first person because with my first attempt my instinct was to immediately dive into tryhard pontification on themes/ideas n shit, wanted to force myself back down to earth lol. Also thanks for the grammar tip.

[Anonymous No.13128383]

>>13128352
I have, I'll often just skim through it and make little changes that come to mind as I try to think of how to continue the story. Glad you consider it an improvement, that's reassuring

[Anonymous No.13128416]

>tfw curious what /critique/ would think of my music but it's too off-topic

[Anonymous No.13128610]

>>13126768
Your first sentence needs to be hooking. It's not.

[Anonymous No.13128642]

>>13128610
it also sounds awkward. "down atop" are two words that do not belong next to each other. just sounds weird, even if it's technically correct

[Anonymous No.13128679]

>>13128642
Agreed. Repeating atop like that in nearly the same structure, too. Not a good choice.

[Anonymous No.13128875]

>>13126768
Another note others haven't pointed out. The whole "pilot(s) is/are" thing is nice as a technique, since I suppose we're assuming the vantage of someone seeing the helicopter land and thus there is an ambiguity as to the pilots, and you're letting the language reflect that. that's nice, BUT in doing so you are also drawing attention to the pilots. But why? Are the pilots important? Why are you getting the reader thinking about the number of pilots? The technique itself is nice but you've pointlessly wasted it. Use such techniques with a purpose in mind, not just to impress readers with technical originality. Unless you really do have some reason for drawing our attention to the pilots, which is not entirely clear.

[Anonymous No.13129125]

>>13128274
We saw it in the last thread, and there just isn't much to say. Post a longer excerpt

[Anonymous No.13129282]

>>13126768
Pretty good other than the opening sentence in my opinion. I'm assuming since this is the first chapter this is quite obviously not the most exciting part of it so that's mainly why I'm excusing the lack of interesting storytelling in this. Oddly enough, I got some Confederacy of Dunces vibes from the narrator's voice.

[Anonymous No.13129664]

I'm in no position to be giving any form of criticism, but rules are rules.
>>13126768
Seems alright. The names Gold(man) and Sachs, seem a bit on the nose, but that seems to be the point. Possibly nix the exclamations, as they seem a bit out of place with the rest of the writing style.

[Anonymous No.13129780]

I've posted quite a few critiques throughout the thread already, but still haven't gotten any responses. I would appreciate any feedback that could help me improve. This is my post >>13127360

[Anonymous No.13129790]

How do I balance my writing to not sound cheesy or overwritten?

[Anonymous No.13129807]

>>13129790
post it, i'll try to help. kind of hard to type while phoneposting with a fucked screen so i might only get back to you tomorrow

[Anonymous No.13129841]

>>13129780
Names could use some reworking. They don't sound particularly natural.
I could be wrong but it seems like there is a small bit of thesaurus abuse going on. The imagery is good, but it can get over-bearing at times.
It still is quite good. Far better than my work. Keep it up and you should be fine.

[Anonymous No.13129853]

[Anonymous No.13129858]

Is 'babushkaed' a good word or cringe?

[Anonymous No.13129859]

[Anonymous No.13129882]

>>13129841
I almost never use a thesaurus. Buchbinder is a real Jewish name. It means book binder, I knew a girl with that name. Safiyya is a perfectly ordinary arabic name. Schachtelacunt is a deliberately ridiculous name. I didn't make it up tho, it's from Eschenbach's Parzival. Thanks for the response, fren

[Anonymous No.13130038]

>>13129859
Just generally really clunky
>This was much to John's dismay
>was very sociable and likable
>that resulted in a very attractive appearance
>that was a contradiction in itself

[Anonymous No.13130168]

Man on the moon Brother betrayed
He was the first thief sent away
broughten by jealousy his incense rose
he took a life and then lost his own

he was caught red handed with a rock
he was caught for murder in a plot
forced to wander day and night
forced to wander by decree
now he is the man on the moon
don't you know

judgement came his oblivion
for whence he sent another one
the word spoke and the gavel came down
Min Ha Adamah,
Your soil is gone and Your sin was found
Min ha Adamah

[Anonymous No.13130244]

>>13126768
I like the story idea, but it feels extremely fast paced, I want to see the sweat drip from his assistants and them fear every word that is about to be spoken. I want more terror and emotion, I want to feel the gazing heights linger in the back drop contrasted with the roar of social dominance perpetuated by the Chairman.

>>13126841
You have a great understanding of poetry and sure this is a good text book attempt at it and would get a solid B in a classroom setting, but it really has no draw, no emotional impact. It simply is like a pond, a small private pond that is void of any plant life.

>>13126949
Tiny works much much better.

>>13129853
This is really good writing except for the first sentence... But I don't understand this story, your pacing is really off and I have trouble understanding the tone of the narrator.

>>13130168
this is me

[Anonymous No.13130524]

>>13130168

This obfuscates more than it entices, and often uses awkward diction. The words "broughten" and "whenever" feel inappropriate and antiquated. The phrase "dont you know" feels contradictory of the previously established tone; there's a vague formality working here and that line breaks it abruptly, without charm. Theres a story-telling cadence about the whole thing which might work if there were more interesting aesthetic choices made, however, the language feels to plain to intrigue the reader, not to mention, again, the story itself being quite opaque. The "Min Ha Adamah" seems contrived, like a tawdry imitation of "the Waste Land". I won't deny that not knowing what it means gives an air of mystery which susbequently provokes intrigue, but the poem itself feels so lackluster at times I don't feel that intrigue has anything to satisfy it. Still, I do like the IDEA of this piece, regardless of how roughly handled it is. If you refuse to make the content clearer, at least make the language more flavorful. Get rid of the 19th century words, add more interesting imagery, consider making it longer if you're going to be recounting a story. Good luck anon.

[Anonymous No.13130528]

>>13130524

I meant to say "whence" not "whenever"

[Anonymous No.13130565]

>>13130524
its a pop song actually and its about Cain
"min ha adamah" is the curse of his.

I think you're right tho. I'll reduce the words that don't work and re arrange how I introduce each part of the theme. this was just a rough draft, really just trying to get an idea on paper.

[Anonymous No.13130595]

>>13126768
It's playful, I like it. I'd have to read more to give any concrete opinions (if my opinions are even capable of being concrete)

>>13126841
I'm not very keen on poetry. I'm trying to read more. This here is nice enough, but there isn't anything that punches me in the gut - which is to say I don't understand what you were going for, if you were going for something specific. A failing likely on my part. I don't know. With what little I've read, I tend to like literal poetry moreso than lyrical. This doesn't help you whatsoever does it? I'm just interested in myself. Shit.

>>13126949
I would go with tiny voyeurs. As stated above, I don't know fuck all about poetry. I'd have to sound/count every word, clapping to myself like an elementary schooler.

I'm going to skip a few now, forgive me. I'm not exactly the sort of person who reads anything critically anyway. My thoughts on any given thing can be reduced to a simple, YES, or NO statement.

>>13129664
Minor tense issues. The flames lick Sharo's armor, the next sentence, blood solidified on said armor and he towered above his prey. When Lik speaks at about the middle of the text, I think a paragraph break might be in order for fluidity. I may be dumb drunk or both, but I was a touch confused as to who was speaking here my first time through. I interested though, I'm game for Grimdark militaristic stuff.

>>13129853
Nice prose, a once over might make it more immediately understandable.

>>13129859
As the other anon said, perhaps clunky. But I'm engaged with the character, and that's what I think matters most.


I drank too much and wrote this:
https://pastebin.com/ew7PhLCf

It's not much of anything but I am curious to hear any anon say anything about it, if anon should feel so inclined.

[Anonymous No.13130955]

Don’t forget about me here fellas, I could use a few second opinions >>13128135

[Luke Feistamel No.13131061]

>>13126768
I really love how you actively use grammar as a means of creating tone and establishing a strong voice.
'helichopper' is great, but that's either scifi or argot. could work
Twirls mustache could work very well if this tone is strictly upheld, very DFW. careful about these trite phrases used as effect (which I think you're doing, and I like it) because I've read the criticisms from other anons, and it is a fine line to walk. We as readers have to know you're being tongue-in-cheek, or whatever, etc. but not in a dumb, parroting way. It still has to push your voice forward
The premise is only strong if you already have an established ethos in some way. People are not likely to read something like this unless we know you know where it's going, ie all of the financial stuff is researched, or you have been published before with a similar work
It does read somewhat like homework, or Thomas Wolfe. and reading Wolfe does feel like homework. Chapter two will decide whether the reader will continue or not
Overall, well done and godspeed, anon. even if this one doesn't pan out, I think you've got a very promising future. I would definitely like to read more, and even critique more

[Anonymous No.13131064]

>>13131061
can't quell the fesitamel. i was wondering when you would pop into the thread

[Luke Feistamel No.13131079]

>>13127909
You are using language in a very cool way, but this is way too abstract. It would be very difficult for most readers to visualize what's going on here.
Less "look ma, no hands!" and more concrete images we could really sink our teeth into. but this is just the opinion of a lowly, slime mold

[Luke Feistamel No.13131099]

>>13128212
Love how you take something very prosaic and describe it in detail. This is actually a very useful thing to do. I did this a good deal when I was younger, and it was huge in helping me grow as a writer.
I think you're on a great path. You're doing things the right way. unfortunately people don't normally care to read these kinds of descriptions anymore in our instant gratification culture. but writing these descriptions are of huge value to a writer
gerunds are overused, but grammatically and stylistically, great variety. ends with some stank on it, which is always great
godspeed, anon. these are only the words of slime mold

[Luke Feistamel No.13131134]

>>13131064
I do want to help anyone interested in getting better. To me, this craft is what I love, and I really do respect anyone who wants to dedicate their life to it. Thank you for your support as well, anon.
Here's a page from the second book of Glowbug. I really have taken to heart the actual comments anons have left me from what I posted of my first book, all haters aside, and do appreciate every crit I have been given from you anons

[Anonymous No.13131815]

Through time on ground alive,
put his hands on soil that weeps;
Man is the salt of the earth.

[Anonymous No.13132281]

>>13131815

Not poignant or clever enough to warrant such brevity. Don't end with a maxim, especially if you aren't innovating it and particularly if the poem is very short.

[Anonymous No.13132308]

Fellas... was it something I said? >>13128135

[Anonymous No.13132611]

Just wrote this about 10 minutes ago, after reading the last page of The Man Without Qualities Pt 2 (Pseudoreality Prevails). It's Friday. I feel happy.

[Anonymous No.13132664]

>>13128135
I like it, but I kinda have the same frustration reading it as I do Murakami (that's an overstatement but you get me lol). I enjoy your style and the depiction of the small, domestic, prosaic stuff, but then it gets pulled into this magical realist/mystery thing which honestly I don't think it needs. I realise you want to give something compelling in your writing and maybe you also want to convey a specific mood or tone that's best conveyed by something unexplainable/out of place, but I think many people are willing to enjoy something that doesn't divert to that sorta stuff because keeping your writing entirely grounded gives a real sense of honesty imo, which accentuates the homely everyday vibe it has for the first page n a half. Just my thoughts though, the mystery aspect isn't actually bad to me, just unresolved, and tbf you do say it's unfinished

[Anonymous No.13132950]

There's an edge to this island,
there's shit on the walls,
it needs a few more flushes,
before we get the falls.

>>13131815
I like this. Have a good weekend.

[Anonymous No.13132960]

>>13132950
meant for >>13132611
Barely worth letting you know as my critique was worthless

[Anonymous No.13133000]

>>13133000
Great post

[Anonymous No.13133104]

>>13132960
Nah thanks anyway man. Life's good. I'd try offer feedback on yours but honestly poetry's not my strong suit lol.

[Anonymous No.13133128]

>>13133000

[Anonymous No.13133167]

>>13128135
Here you go. I like this sort of existential anxiety he seems to be having over the wording of how to describe an osprey attacking a fish (is that what's happening here or am I misreading?). It's odd but intriguing. I think in a previous thread I said you should have more visceral and characteristic descriptions of your character, and you said that stylistically you wanted to keep them vague. Now that I've read more I agree with you, it works better like this. Otherwise, it has potential, but it's not exactly my style. I think too many short sentences kills flow and makes writing difficult to read. But that's just personal taste. All my edits just reflect what I think would sound better, but it's just my opinion. Give mine a read if you get a chance
>>13127360

[Anonymous No.13133187]

>>13133000

[Anonymous No.13133194]

>>13133000
In itself there is nothing remarkable in someone linking their own post in the same post, but it's kind of weird to think that I've been on 4chan (inb4 hurrr 4channel) since 2007 and I've never seen anyone do this

[Anonymous No.13133227]

>>13133000

well ok

[Anonymous No.13133230]

>>13132611
>Through the blinds that reflect the light and collect dust are trees.
The flow is unpleasant and it takes too long to get to "are trees"

[Anonymous No.13133315]

>>13133230
Yeah you're right, I'll amend that I think. Thanks for the feedback

[Anonymous No.13133358]

>>13133167
Holy moses man, thank you so much. This is above and beyond what I was expecting, I really appreciate it. You make some great suggestions here, once I'm back home I'm going to sit down with everything and start making some revisions. I actually read a good bit of your story yesterday but didn't finish writing my feedback, so I'll also get that done once I'm at my PC

If you're interested, here's what's supposed to be going on with the plot (this will sound stupidly convoluted but it will never be explicitly spelled out in the story so I think I can get away with it):
The only idea I had when I started writing was "for some reason, something both happens and does not happen" so the whole plot was built around that idea
Basically, there are two "timelines," one where the osprey caught the fish and one where the fish escaped. For some reason, Oliver's consciousness is flipping between those two timelines at random intervals. Each timeline comes with a brain and its own memories, so he isn't capable of remembering the timeline he isn't in, but some part of him still understands that things are behaving oddly. By focusing on the event and repeatedly referring to it while they flip between timelines, he can direct Tanya's attention towards the flipping and get her to "notice" it too. Because only their consciousnesses are leaping between timelines and their mouths and memories are always constrained to just one at once, they're incapable of ever directly talking about what's going on--the closest they can get is just talking about the osprey again. Ideally the plot will balloon out from there with more people being made cognizant of the flipping, all understanding on some level the situation they're in, but not having any way to discuss what's going on. The narration is going to follow Oliver's mind as it leaps and will have to follow the exact same rules as him, never referring to the timeline the story isn't currently taking place in.
It sounds ridiculous but ideally the reader will put all of this together and identify the logic in how it works on their own

[Anonymous No.13133366]

>>13133358
That's actually a really cool premise. I dig it.

[Anonymous No.13133367]

>>13133000
holy shit. the odds of doing that are astronomical anon. i think you can die happily now

[Anonymous No.13133392]

>>13133358
your brain is your fucking consiousness
this idea is schizo-brainlet shit

[Anonymous No.13133397]

>>13133392
ok, now go argue about it on /sci/ no one here cares

[Anonymous No.13133404]

>>13133366
Thanks! I'm excited about it, it'll just be a challenge to handle correctly
>>13133392
Never ever going to make it

[Anonymous No.13134432]

bump

[Anonymous No.13134849]

>>13129853
Bump

[Anonymous No.13135287]

https://soundcloud.com/molossus-spondee/the-ring-and-the-cup-mammon

>>13130168
It just doesn't have good rhythm.

>>13126841
It mostly flows well together but some of the parts are kind of awkward.
And it doesn't read understandably well.
I struggle with that a lot myself, I can make my poetry sound good but I'm not at all able to make it properly understood to other people the first time they hear it.
I'm considering doing something like they do in plays and opera where they repeat the main points a couple times.

Not a fan of "amble glide", it's a bit of an oxymoron, amble is slow and glide doesn't really imply speed but it does seem faster than ambling to me.
Not a fan of "fists of shade" and "trees like green antenna" seems strange to me.
The extra words don't help me visualize the scene more clearly.
"martian lovers" and "music brewing from a wand" and "translucent tomb: are confusing as well.
"emerald fields" is just annoying with how over used it is.

[Anonymous No.13135633]

bump

[Anonymous No.13135652]

>>13126768
If you are going to give a character the name of michael manhattan he better get into some funny sewer alligator business

[Anonymous No.13135672]

A man jerks himself off.
I catch him with his pants down,
and grab him by the dick.
It is big, with big balls, with a big staff.
I swing him around like a hammer throw.

I throw him.
He sails to the sky,
he is never coming back down!

[Anonymous No.13135719]

https://pastebin.com/DVefUpCs
Any and all feedback would be appreciated, I don't write much but would really like to start doing it more. I'm sure there are many mistakes.

>>13128212
I like it and agree with the other anon about writing about a menial task and making it interesting. I like how grossed out I felt during it, generally anything with the eyes tends to gross me out, and I think thats probably what you were trying to go for, if I'm not mistaken.

>>13128274
I like the line "I got as close to God as I would ever be."

[Anonymous No.13135923]

>>13135719
This is severely lacking in the prose deparment. You have few nice bits of prose, but most is not very good, and once in a while you throw out a phrase that sounds faux-poetic like something about the "purple twilight". Such forays into more poetic description are not bad in themselves, but you throw them out randomly in places where they don't fit and express them in ways that feel disjointed with the rest of the prose style you've adopted here. However, I would not discourage you to stop trying, because in my opinion where you do actually show potential is as a storyteller. I get the feeing from this that you like to think up and tell a story, and that's important, it's the essential thing imo, and I think that a lot of the poor writing we see in these threads are usually the opposite (i.e. people who want to show off fancy prose but have no knack or love for storytelling), it's just that the quality of your expression needs to catch up, and that will come with time. I get the sense from reading this that you are still fairly young, so keep reading good books, with good prose and story telling. Read them attentively, and then reread them. It will help you a lot. It will help you get an instinctive feel for how to express ideas and situations.

[Anonymous No.13135969]

I HAVE A hilarious story but i don't want to share it because i just KNOW someone here is going to steal it :( but also :)

[Anonymous No.13136084]

Don't let the thread die, guys. I'm still waiting on responses to mine >>13127360

[Anonymous No.13136284]

>>13132611
Just an assemblage of awkward descriptions with no purpose behind them or ulterior significance. Honestly, not good at all. Even if this is just an excercise in prose styling―scrap it and start over.

[Anonymous No.13136996]

>>13136284
Yeah I definitely wasn't going for any kind of unified narrative lol, I'm still at the stage where I just want to see whether I can write about everyday stuff. Sounds like I need to work on my style more(that's a given but you get me haha), this was an experiment to see if I could make anything of any value with an absolute minimum of editing, I wrote that in about 10 minutes and made a few tiny corrections and stuck it on here. Thanks for the feedback

[Anonymous No.13137003]

>>13135719
Yeah I definitely wanted to make the reader feel slightly icky lol, thanks for the feedback man

[Anonymous No.13137511]

bump

[Anonymous No.13137961]

>>13128212
I really like even though i felt uncomfortable while reading, but I guess that's what you were going for. I love when a writer describes something mundane and make it interesting.

[Anonymous No.13138195]

Introduction to a book i've been wanting to write for a while. Please give me your honest opinion.

The large double glaze windows where open wide. A cold breeze danced the thinn white patern covered curtains that hung by on the left and the right. It was cold outside. The moon was up and it cast a light across the cealing and the walls. She was unbothered by the cool air. The woman lay awake in a bed of double size thinking of nothing that could be described in words. The covers where pulled back and a dampened sweat coaxed her neck in an excess that contradicted the temperature. She was inmobile, except for her fingers that clutched and pulled at the sheets bellow her and around her. Her body twisted in an elegant display of curved limps and torso. Her eyes didn't really say much, but they where beautifully gray and cold and full of an energy that might have been fear or might have been something that transcended fear. They stared up, at the cealing, and they moved towards an unidentifiable insect that flew around looking for an exit, bumping up and down against the fresh looking paint that colored it. Her lips moved but now sound came out, it might have been a name that she was saying over and over and over and over.
The night was silent, absolutely covered in a blanket of oblivion, except for the breeze that moved and shuddered trees in the distance. The room was bare. They was no clock in sight but it must have been deep into the night. The woman lived alone. Tonight her mind was not alone all. Her mind was still caught up in the half fading dream she'd had, of a savage encounter. She looked over at the open window and closed her eyes. She felt the cold breeze on her face and sighted a whisper that only one heard.

[Anonymous No.13138656]

>>13138195
And this would be the start of the second chapter.

Michael walked five steps forward and four steps backwards. He stwisted his feet to the left side in accordance to his body. He lifted a foot into the air and then rested it on the tips. For half a dozen seconds, before placing the heel on the ground, twisting around again to the left and walking backwards. Five slow and deliberate steps. The rubber of the sole made a squeak and a groan on the plastic floorboards that made the shoes sound new.
"How do they feel" the woman said.
He didn't answer her enmediately, instead he look away from the mirror and down at one of the shoes and twisted it around very slightly. The silence carried on long enough so that the woman attempted to fill it in with another question, and then he spoke.
"I think i'll take them"
She smiled in a way that stretched her lips, covered in a glaze of plastic red. Her eyes told him she had other ideas on her mind but very few people would tell that at first, or even second, glance. He didn't really take on board her age because he didn't really care. When he looked away her face was already starting to fade from his mind.
" They look good on you" She said. And once again she was solid and real, or just barely solid and real. He didn't answer either but gifted her with a polite smile and stared into her eyes long enough for her to flicker away.
"How much will it be?.
He gave her the price. He offered less. She doubted. He convinced her her doubt was wrong. He left with the shoes 10% less than he'd expected to pay for them.

[Anonymous No.13138669]

I'm unfortunately still at work now
Posting mine to help bump the thread
I'll give my critiques after I get off

[Anonymous No.13138778]

>>13138656
i just wrote this bit

He walked over to his car, parket on this side of the street, and unlocked it from a distance. It was early monday morning and it was mildly cold. It felt like a day after rain except the month had offered nothing but clear skies. The town was busy. Nobody was up who didn't have a deliberate place to go.
He opened the drivers door and threw the plastic bag with the shoes onto the passengers seat. He checked the clock on the dashboard after climbing in. 8:34. Time to get going. His hand was steady as he placed it on the keys and started the ignition. And his hands where steady as he lifted the clutch with one and placed the other on the stearing wheel. He didn't really care for cars, but he liked setting a desired impression of the person he might be to people that he might encounter. A car was the first thing that most people looked at because they stupidly thought it gave them some insight into another human life. If you really want to do that, you should always look at someones shoes. But most people when they look at another person what they're really looking at is at themselves. Real tell tale signs usually go unnoticed. But michael knew all about tell tale signs. And he was careful to keep them hidden and camuflaged from people who where close enough to being just like him.

[Anonymous No.13138814]

Roast me, bros.

>>13138669
This will likely be retarded, but here goes:
I hate the word "droops" there. Try "dangles" or "hangs". "Droops" just sounds too silly.
I also hate "that has caged me". Try it with just "...I outline the glass, feeling..."

[Anonymous No.13138911]

>>13137961
I get a strong sense that your protagonist is going insane, and I like it. There were a few missed words and small typos that I marked but for the most part it reads pretty smoothly. Keep going.

[Anonymous No.13138965]

>>13138669
Banking on a psych thriller movie option, are you?

[Anonymous No.13139017]

>>13138911
Thanks anon. Since my computer broke i have been typing in my phone and is fucking hell. I have the draft in a notebook but i have to make of sense of my hieroglyphical way of writing.

[Anonymous No.13139045]

>>13138778
It took him fifteen minutes to drive there. The meeting place was a coffe shop next to the port. He was early so it didn't take him long to find a place to park. He leaned over to the back seats and grabbed his coat before stepping outside. The wind had picked up. The seaguls called for whatever they where always calling for. He walked towards the caffe while zipping up his coat to the very top and then burying his hands in the large pockets, making them into a couple of fists. There where only five people sitting on the outside tables. He was alone as requested, with his back to him. As he came up to the table he, the boy, twisted his head and looked at him. Recognition was in his eyes even though they'd never met.
" Are you James?" the boy asked.
"Yes" Michael said, he spread a small smile on his face and sat down next to him.
" Don't you want to know my name?"
Michael looked at him intensely and the boy didn't look away.
" We're here for a matter of names but our names are not important. You know that."
It wasn't a question.
" I imagined you would be younger"
Michael didn't answer. Instead he took out an envelope from the inside of his coat and placed it on the table. The tips of his fingers held it down against the wind.
"You know what's inside of this?" He asked.
The boy leaned back.
"A name" he stated
"That all you need to know from me". Michael pulled his chair back and stood.
" Aren't you going to order something?" The boy asked.
"From here? No"
With that he walked away and was gone, leaving the boy behind with the envelope in his hand.

[Anonymous No.13139323]

This is a short piece about a girl and a telepathic dog. Normal stuff.

[Anonymous No.13139469]

>>13138814

The aesthetic idea is appealing but the execution is awkward. The overall sentiment is lackluster though. That's to say, i don't care much for what you're (vaguely) trying to say, and i can see what you're attempting to do with the imagery, but it just isnt refined enough yet to be readable or decent. Read more poetry, practice more, you'll get there.

[Anonymous No.13139479]

Asking again, can anyone give me some feedback on how to improve this? >>13127360

[Anonymous No.13139574]

>>13139479
I don't know if it's because the letters are tiny, but this is hard to read. Doesn't feel smooth at all. It's only three pages and i feel i read 30.

[Anonymous No.13139581]

>>13139469
Thanks.
Is it less shit like this?

[Anonymous No.13139589]

>>13139574
serious question: what font size do you think i should use? that's 11

[Anonymous No.13139596]

>>13139581
Not him, but i think you need to fix your meter so it feels smoother.

[Anonymous No.13139608]

>>13139589
Not the font. If it's longer than a page i think you should put it as pastebin or something. But that is superficial. I think you need to be a bit more concise.

[Anonymous No.13139650]

>>13139596
I'm paying a lot of attention to meter. I want it to feel kinda slow, I guess is the word. Still, even. Hence all the stresses. Something that runs off like a river wouldn't have the feeling that I want. I want stillness, and a little bit of grit. That's also why it's so damn short.

[Anonymous No.13139739]

hi bros, working on an outline for spooky interactive novel/action video game
here's my current progress

PROLOGUE
>a little girl (player) goes down to the kitchen for a glass of water
>spooky stuff happens, monstrous figure stalks her, cliche spooky stuff
>calls out to her parents, they're dead
>she eventually gets caught and dies, the screen goes red

ACT 1
>Ghost hunter (player) comes into a rural town for a job to investigate a hotel that has been experiencing spooky stuff
>He's kind of a badass, but it's been almost a decade since his last encounter with something unreal
>has become skeptical of the supernatural himself
>Meets the manager that contracted him, the current occupants... decent folks
>multi-choice (matters) dialogue system
>Early game is investigating the hotel, discovering lore, learning the layout, interacting with the guest
>Feels like a black comedy, eerie atmosphere, nothing too intense

ACT 2
>eventually he finds a group of small ghost children, they're anything but intimidating
>playful kids that have seemingly come from all over the state, not aware they're dead or where they are (the little girl from the prologue is here)
>children speak of a nightmarish creature from their dreams
>they take a liking to the ghost hunter
>one night he awakes to the children shivering in the corner
>he explores the hotel, every living person has been slaughtered
>it now becomes a serious horror survival game, the monster is both a physical and ghostly entity
>shotgun/rifle combat to draw back the creature, but it can shift into ghost mode to heal and regenerate

ACT 3
>???
>I see a lot of possibilities here to explain the spawn, the children's role, and give the player reasons to stay, fight to prevent the creature from fully manifesting and save the children's soul

EPILOGUE
>the monster is defeated
>the are ways to save all the children, or you could fail and some or all of them will fall to the everlasting abyss
>there is still evil in the world but it's time to rest up until the next spooky adventure

is this sounding worthwhile?

[Anonymous No.13139760]

>>13139739
>the monster is defeated
>is this sounding worthwhile?
No.

[Anonymous No.13139772]

>>13139760
the real monster was the friends we made along the way

[Hartman762 No.13140016]

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13039850/1/Muv-Luv-Resurgence

I was hoping to get feedback on this.

What do you guys think?

[Anonymous No.13140788]

bump

[Anonymous No.13141011]

>>13139608
>I think you need to be a bit more concise.
That's vague, could you be more specific?

[Anonymous No.13141187]

Here to make myself a holy terror in the thread. Sorry; everyone is gonna get a reply.

>>13126768
This reads like a script and a run on sentence with ADD. It's a real struggle to get through to parse out the intent and plot. Breaking up the sentence types for a less 'gunshot' short sentences along with new paragraphs when a different character is talking can help prevent reader fatigue.
You would benefit greatly from creating a chapter outline. Is this chapter from the perspective of the protagonist, antagonist, or narrator? I'm having a hard time grasping the perspective when you insert "This is New York!" and "-but nevermind the view; this is serious!".
Give the scenery it's own paragraph but not all the details, let readers fill in a bit with their own imagination. The location is dictated in the first sentence and repeated again and again. Pick one and flesh that out. Introduce the characters slowly and thoroughly before introducing the next character or environmental action.
This is a good start. Make an outline, restructure, and redo it. You can make this work, but just like a limb that fell asleep, you gotta beat it up a little bit to wake up and start working for you.

>>13126841
Love the descriptive word choices. If you're concerned with structure; create another line below each one with the phonic breakdown and make comparisons or changes from there. If anything that'll give you a better visual on the meter and what style of meter you're aiming for.

>>13126949
Same advice as above when it comes to meter. Really do enjoy the visuals you're trying to convey here. I have a great desire an additional line for each new symbol introduced, like a closing to the opening. You start off with heavy ancient imagery that would juxtapose better with the mundane by separating those into a new verse. Please share any changes you make.

[Anonymous No.13141209]

>>13141187
>Here to make myself a holy terror in the thread. Sorry; everyone is gonna get a reply
good. looking forward to your input

[Anonymous No.13141273]

>>13126768
It's not very literary (it's the latest from a sci-fi short story I've been working on), but critique would still be appreciated.

[Anonymous No.13141301]

>>13141209
Don't expect perfect grammar in the replies. It's a long thread and my brain is firing too fast to look back and edit.

>>13127360
That first sentence needs to be removed from the passive into active. Give it a few more supportive sentences after before jumping into the visuals with a separate paragraph and you have a great hook.
Cut down hard on the visuals, pick a few of the lines that get to the point and save the others for later flashbacks or another story. Personally, I would take the "That drama was the best..." line and stick to that. It provides a good flow into the next change. When you point out her flighty attention, be aware you're dictating to the reader where their attention should be, you've established her as the focal point. Move it to the end of the paragraph.
So much fluff... cut back on the descriptions. Visuals/fluff is great, but you need to leave space for the reader to insert themselves into the world. Plus it distracts from the progress of actions. What I desire the most after reading this is Safiyya's reactions and thoughts as they happen over being told what she said or did. Most of it seems to be written from Butchbinder's or an omniscient narrator's perspective but they're not the first character introduced to the reader. If he's the main character, then you need to introduce him first and his 'monologue/musings' about Safiyya later on.
I like that you want to get into the world building by telling us the character's histories, but it would read better if the characters are telling us their histories when it becomes plot relevant. If these histories must be told to the reader and not revealed, place them at the beginning of a chapter focused on that character's POV. With a bit of re-arranging and writing changes, this can be a very solid first chapter. I hope you develop it further and share what direction of growth you take it in.

>>13127909
The last two sentences of the first stanza would be better as it's own. Remove the last sentence on the final one. Unless you develop it further or intend it to end on a joke, you want to end on that solid visual. I would enjoy a bit of alliteration from this and extension... but that's just my longing for a modern-day Edgar Allan Poe. So, feel free to ignore that.

[Anonymous No.13141303]

>>13126768
Intersectional studies of ancient feminist cults and peerage reflect shared cultural and aesthetic values centered around esoteric foot fetishism and foot worship, focusing on the female foot as an avenue for religious praxis, iconography as well as a medium for cultural exchange between Egyptian, Grecian and Parthian feminists. Ancient Persia’s feminist poetry is rife with celebration of the feet of Greek women, marveling at their striking pale complexions and shapely toes. Bathing and hygiene being foremost among the precepts of ancient feminists who worshipped all femininity, especially eachother’s female bodies, each clique of feminists performed characteristic songs and poetry during their highly orchestrated and ritualized cleansings. Ancient Athenian graffiti laments outside a popular bath that was hosting a feminist bathing ceremony, “Bathing closed, but we’re selling pork water” pork being slang for vaginas during the pre-gynophilic past. The increasingly legalistic and sex-shame laden bathing rules recorded across fourteen centuries of Egyptian feminist bathing also reflect an unease in the broader society about women obsessively and meticulously cleaning, pruning, pumicing, rubbing with oil, massaging with dried herbs, painting, tattooing or donning with honorific jewelry the feet of their fellow feminist cultists. Families would lose prized daughters, grooms families forfeiting dowries, lineages and dynasties disrupted, all because a girl fell prey to the narcotic eroticism of lengthy hydrotherapy, and therein was persuaded by the convert-hungry feminists who recruited almost exclusively from baths to depart from her life’s trajectory and indulge in the heady hedonism of fastidiously cleaned, lavishly nurtured and luxuriously ornamented feminist feet. Some have speculated that with the ingestion of certain psychoactive substances, the female foot would appear to the ancient mind as cinematic and hyperreal, nails of bright indigo or dark crimson, fractals of henna, to say nothing of the dramatic effect of remarkable cleanliness due to the noted daily ritualistic hygiene that conditioned Greek, Persian and Egyptian feminists to not only view their feet with pride but as religious instruments, conditioned by their devotion a visual feast and a lure to both laity and the aspirational feminist foot worshippers.

[Anonymous No.13141473]

>>13141301
Thank you for the extensive comments. Firstly that's not the opening of the book. Pic related is the prior chapter, and even this I'm not sure will be the opening. There's another chapter I'm considering for the opening, but that's still up in the air. The perspective of the book is indeed an omniscient narrator. There isn't one main character but Safiyya is up there among most critical. The two most important characters besides her are not even in the passages you critiqued. The book I'm planning has A LOT of characters.

[Anonymous No.13142054]

>>13126768
Might post a longer excerpt later, but I need to do a lot more editing.

[Anonymous No.13142299]

>>13128135
Reads like a script with overly descriptive breaks. Makes it hard to follow the flow. There's a lot of issues but it is obvious you have a plot you want to work on. How old is Oliver? Why do I assume he's a kid? They hyperfocus and wonder the character exudes in the first paragraph perhaps. He doesn't talk with a natural flow of kid when he does talk, so perhaps a teenager?
It reads very awkwardly when you tell us the characters had a conversation but don't let us experience it. Having the dialogue free floating from the actions and thoughts of the characters they're attached to breaks up the flow badly and contributes to that feeling of this being a script rather than a story. There's a lot of tense issues too, but those are easy fixes. I don't want to tell you to scrap it, I do want you to construct an outline, work on story structure first. You can pull what you've created so far and plug it into that and expand on the dialogue. That'll help you pick out the skill of noticing where edits are needed and why. Keep at it, this is a good starting point and it can take years to build, edit, and finish a story so don't feel rushed.

>>13128212
I'm really not a huge fan of first person, that being said... breaking up the actions with personal thoughts. That or the character talking to themselves will help with the reader fatigue of 'this, then that, then this, then that' of all the actions you have going on here. Other than that, it's pretty solid so keep at it!

>>13128274
Don't break these up into separate posts. This should have been part of the last one for sure.

>>13129664
Is this the start of the work or mid work? Interesting as the first paragraph is it could use some editing on the sentence structures and I would move the first mention of the POVs name there. You have a tendency to get wordy with a turn of phrases in descriptions instead of leaving them in the POV thoughts or dialogue where they shine best. 'Making a noise to telegraph his annoyance.' I get that you want it to be a point of focus but it steals the focus away from the action and doesn't add much information to the character. You also have character descriptives dragged out and mixed with other character descriptives throughout. Try to keep those to the initial character introduction/observations and focus on action descriptives from then on. The mentions of drunkenness, ale smell, and so on is better condenced to one area versus being repeated or rephrased again so soon. It can pull a reader out of the story and make them recheck that they didn't skip or re-read a part. Structure-wise this seems mostly self-contained and just needs editing for readability and organization. After that any additional fixes or edits should pop out easily to your eye. Keep at it!

[Anonymous No.13142474]

>>13129853
That first sentence should be moved because that second sentence is a way better hook. The rest of it is... a bad way to show the passage of time and probably pointless. You haven't established a connection between the characters and the reader. Why should I care about what's happening to these people? I don't know their names and time is jumping so fast. Is there a need for me to invest in caring about the former sentence? Give me time to empathize with these characters or give me an endpoint to this transition in time that makes all this montage have a purpose. Perhaps a call back to each time point later on? I see a lot of potential in this, but it's incomplete, keep working on it.

>>13129859
It's telling instead of showing. This reads a lot like a character description for a roleplay instead of a story. There's not enough here to really give critique on. I'd like more establishment in the world John inhabits and how he interacts with it than just info about him. Keep at it!

>>13130168
I'm going to agree with >>13130524 on this. Hope you keep working on the rough draft.

>>13131815
I like it; does it need tweaking? 'Through' or 'ground' could be replaced with synonyms or more symbolic words. 'put hands in soil that weeps' would be less clunky. Either way, I still like it as is so... grain of salt and all that jazz.

>>13132611
Hypnotic but without purpose. Give it a hook at the end with purpose to sell it. Make the journey worth while.

>>13132950
Last part just, doesn't work. Would be a fun lymeric if you take the time to transform it.

[Anonymous No.13142823]

am i allowed to post a google docs link to my work?

[Anonymous No.13143255]

>>13142823
If it's long yes, you should. It would be painful to read it as a screenshot or something.

[Anonymous No.13143567]

bump

[Anonymous No.13144341]

bump

[Anonymous No.13144825]

>>13142054
I like the 2nd para better. The first seems kinda uninspired to me.

[Anonymous No.13144893]

bump

[Anonymous No.13145621]

bump

[Anonymous No.13145849]

>>13144825
Glad to see your progressing with your story. Unfortunately, giving an indepth critique with a cracked phone screen is a pain in the ass. I'll try to do a point by point critique like I did for the osprey guy. There's a lot of awkward expressions and such that should be ammended

[Anonymous No.13145856]

>>13145849
oops meant to write that ill try to do it tomorrow

[Anonymous No.13145991]

>>13145849
This is the last part.

[Anonymous No.13146005]

the unfinished orange is a glimmering crator, a sort of horned marble.
a sweaty, fallen dancer, legs jabbed vertically, eternal poise.
somehow it is magical, magnetic, this spectral, incomplete orb, with skin erect in two halves like ears, or quotations.
the photograph reflects far from its product in wavelengths.
these simple, tawdry things are understood cosmically, alone and somnolent.

[Anonymous No.13146068]

[Anonymous No.13146532]

The asphalt is flooded, the stars & moon are choked into inexistence by storm clouds. This alleyway is black. A moment, where it is not consumed by the night (but his raincoat remains wet & gets wetter): a moment where the scene becomes stark, lightning as a spotlight -- corpse with all the limbs removed, sockets gummy and leaking crimson; face caught in a smile, this situation is the biggest joke -- lines of red streak, splatter, dry on the walls that narrow his existence -- & then, nothing. Shrouded mistake.

“Dove,” Adaline, codename Ares whispers. “Give us a proper light.” There weren’t any proper lights on this side of the city after the sun fell away. Wasn’t much proper when it was up, if he were to be honest.

“Dove.” Something sharp pokes his side. Her elbow.

He, defined as Dove in the current moment, follows her command with a snap of his fingers. A ball of holy fire is conjured. Light spills into the area. Their gazes go to the ground at the same time. Their gazes are not synced in leaving the abattoir, Owen is gazing at the body as she’s looking around for more.


>>13146005
this is very pretty

[Anonymous No.13146780]

bump

[Anonymous No.13146926]

>lost my interbutts, lost my page, lost my reply, lost my place
gimme a bit...

>>13133167
I should have read this before the first critique. Your idea is probably too ambitious for your skill level without investing a lot of time into an outline with good structure. After you finish this chapter, set it aside for a month and don't look or think about it, then come back and read it with fresh eyes. That could help you take a step back and see the issues readers are talking about.

>>13135672
Terribly enjoyable but the structure/meter feels off. Write it out with the phonic sounds and adjust from there.

>>13135719
Very wordy, but I see a solid short story here. Glaring issues are not getting to the point with outlining the game rules to the reader. Prune it down to the goal point of the POV character. The paragraphs of him playing the game could be condensed as well. I think the ending needs a bit more solidity but how you can go about is debatable. Good work of getting the reader into the 'mind' of the character. I can see this ending up in a short story collection.

>>13137961
Not what I had hoped would develop. I wish the update had been linked to the original post. The direction you're going with this is too much detail, script like action, and not enough plot info. You had an interesting hook and then repeated it too much. Give the reader a character name and foreshadowing or something to keep them reading past the monotony.

>>13138195
>>13138656
>>13138778
>>13139045
Pick a direction, stick with it, and flesh it out. It's nice that you can knock these out so fast but there's not enough substance there for the reader to understand or empathize with. Even if you're going for a mysterious style, this is the wrong way to do it. I want to give you a long critique but there's not enough substance before you jump to the next post. Pick one of these posts and develop it further, you're getting in a hurry.

>>13138669
The alliteration is fantastic! The first paragraph is trying to explain too much of what is going on to the reader. Back off on the posture details until the end of the paragraph as reset point for the reader. Maybe focus more on the emotional mental state and hint at the body 'twisting up unnaturally'. Let the reader use their own imagination to fill in the blanks and have more story involvement. In this case, less would be more. The second paragraph first four sentences would read better moved to the first paragraph. This is a great start that would fit well as a first chapter hook, a mid-book escalation point, or end of story twist. Keep at it!

[Anonymous No.13146971]

>>13138814
Other anons covered those points already. Just backing them up on their assessments.

>>13139323
Are you familiar with the movie "A Boy and His Dog"? Give it a watch if not. I really don't have any nit pics or much to offer. This is pretty solid work that leaves me eager to read more and see how the plot develops... yes please.

>>13139739
1. Provides no information on the plot, narrative escalation. Why make in comedic or have guest interaction with no payoff or plot relevance?
2. Much like jump scares, you're trying to force horror and manipulate the player's protective nature with kids. This will backfire.

Establish what your big bad is and how it functions and conflicts with the ghost hunter beyond just 'it does evil things to people that aren't the player'. You need something to be at risk for the player that isn't just external. Get some more research into what makes a bad/good Man vs Monster story and rework 1-3 from that. Good luck with the project, that's years worth of work!

>>13140016
It would be better to ask for feed back from those familiar with the source material.

[Anonymous No.13146974]

>>13146068

[Anonymous No.13147216]

bump

[Anonymous No.13147357]

>>13133367
>astronomical
>1 in a 1000

[Anonymous No.13147509]

>>13144825
>>13145991
Really good but at some points the prose is just a bit too extravagant that it feels more poetic, and i kind of lose my head and forget whats happening.

[Anonymous No.13147526]

>>13126768
I hope you guys like mine, frens.

[Anonymous No.13148114]

>>13126949
stop LARPing as a Romantic
this is basically just a clusterfuck of images stolen from old poetry
just feels like I've read every line before, especially the second stanza

[Anonymous No.13148155]

>>13126949
"broken" in line 3 is redundant
cut "and" from the beginning of stanza 2
line 12 scans real weird
line 13 is boring; find an interesting way to say to
14's a bit blah too

[Anonymous No.13148936]

bump

[Anonymous No.13149171]

>>13146532
>the stars & moon are choked into inexistence by storm clouds
Too melodramatic, why not just 'choked out by storm clouds' or something? Same with phrases like 'shrouded mistake', 'holy fire', etc. If you're deliberately going for an over-the-top, 'funny' pulp noir type tone it's maybe fine. If not I'd dial it back slightly. Not that such a thing wouldn't be fun if you kept at it though. Just hard to tell, you might be wanting to go for something serious.

[Anonymous No.13149234]

bump plz

[Anonymous No.13149303]

>>13146005
Comes off as ridiculous, sorry. Presumably you want to convey the underlying dignity of the outwardly absurd/everyday (I mean you pretty much say so in the final line lol). But that takes a damn good writer, otherwise your object (and your writing for that matter) just comes off as plain absurd, without the dignity. You're clearly creative in your imagery, I certainly wasn't bored reading this, but I'd put that to a more stripped down/scaled back use for a while longer, so you can keep improving.
What you're depicting is of course 'prosaic' in its own way, a sliced orange etc., but if you're going to do this, I'd perhaps precede it with a stanza or two of slightly more grounded writing, work your way slowly to the the hidden-but-now-revealed majesty of the thing-in-itself or what have you, so it feels earned. That way you've primed your reader, instead of immediately dumping them in the deep end with cosmic presence and shit lol. Good luck, I think you have the potential to write interesting stuff.

[Anonymous No.13149318]

>>13128135
Just want to comment, I thought I was the only one who wrote like that, changing the background to black and the text white. accidentally saved it to print and forgot to switch it--text printed in white. i felt like a fool.
Just here to read bits of random stuff, can't comment.

[Anonymous No.13149322]

>>13144825
wew lad. you got a lot of work to do

[Anonymous No.13149619]

>>13146926
>>13147509
>>13149322
Yes English is my 2nd language, but I can only write in it. And I like it better than spanish.
Thank you anons, this is my first time writing anything other than poetry. I'm just trying to excersise my prose. I only intended for it to be the description of a day, but I really appreciate all your suggestions and comments.

[Anonymous No.13149622]

>>13146974
Hmm pretty good for a first draft. Thanks anon!

[Anonymous No.13150011]

>>13149171
(I'm not the anon you're replying to)
is it just me or is "choked out by storm clouds" euphonious as fuck

[Anonymous No.13150043]

I rewrote this because it felt very unfinished

PROLOGUE

The large double glaze windows where open wide. The breeze blew at the thinn white patern-covered curtains that hung by the left and on the right. It was cold outside. The moon was up and it cast a light across the cealing and the walls, in the room that was also cold. Inside the cool air didn't bother her. The woman lay awake on her a bed thinking of nothing that could be described in words. Her chest rose slowly, the covers where pulled back and a dampened sweat coaxed her neck in an excess that contradicted the temperature. She was almost inmobile, except for the fingers that clutched and pulled at the sheets bellow her and around her body, that twisted in an elegant display of curved limps and torso.
She had red hair that burned against the pillow. Her face was unidentifiably aged in a tangent that played along with her eyes. They didn't say much at first glance, but they where beautifully grey, and cold, and from time to time filled themselves with an energy that might have been terror or might have been something that transcended terror. They moved slightly, at the cealing, and then they followed an unidentifiable insect that flew around looking for an exit, bumping up and down against the fresh looking paint that covered it. Her lips had started to move but no sound came out, it might have been a name that she was saying over and over and over and over.

The night was silent, absolutely covered in a blanket of oblivion, except for the breeze that moved and shuddered trees in the distance. The room was bare. There wasn't a clock in sight but it must have been deep into the night. The woman lived alone, but tonight her mind was not alone all. It was still caught up in a dream, she'd had, of a savage encounter. She turned her head towards the window and closed her eyes. She felt the cold breeze on her face and sighed a whisper that only the four sisters heard.
In the first seconds of the first hour of monday, the dream faded from her memory. But the terror was set, and moved inside her changing her in ways that could never be undone. Her lips moved again and this time they where heard by the moon and they formed the words of a prayer that the four sisters snatched and tore them away into the the night. While the echoes of the bells faded in the distance Emilie died, and a new woman took her place and wore her skin, that she would use to walk outside and beyond the cold of the midnight morning.

[Anonymous No.13150442]

>>13150011
Hahaha, makes me wanna try writing something with the phrase now, maybe if anon doesn't like it lol

[Anonymous No.13151214]

bump

[Anonymous No.13152688]

A little something I scrawled out after a very passionate LoTR rewatch for a fantasy verse I'm nursing.

[Anonymous No.13152716]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oPxWTovgxRPAHN3cnrAg2tC8AgccS0e9vNWHiYk9yW8/edit?usp=sharing

if you wanna then cool, i'll give feedback ot anyone who does + others in a bit

[Anonymous No.13152869]

>>13152688
Anon please type this. Is kinda hard to read also
>horizontal picture
I think I would need more to say anything, but so far I don't see any problem. Personally I don't like their names, but that is just me.

[Anonymous No.13153012]

>>13152716
Well anon, I think you need a bit of editing. Between the first 2 parenthesis it feels a bit awkward. But overall it reads pretty good. But I just don't find it very interesting to me at least. I can tell is just the beginning, but I need to get hooked by something for me to keep reading.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OG5eU-qKQABmY7BeUu2t_vBCPvQReH-_guNfsmaEGiA/edit?usp=drivesdk

[Anonymous No.13153385]

>>13139323
I like it. Reminds me of a movie "A boy and his dog", it has a similar feel.
>>13146068
>"Little does Phil know, but he has severak weeks left to live
that he has several weeks..?
> Who am I? Well, let's just keep it at that.
I don't see the purpose of this sentence.
>She started laughing hysterically
Why though?

>>13152716
From a quick glance, I felt like I was reading Dostoevsky, good writing, sometimes too convoluted. Take that as a critique or a complement.

[Anonymous No.13153492]

>>13153385
It seems interesting, but you are repeating yourself a lot.
Also don't say that would kill him, I think that's already implied.

[Anonymous No.13153923]

Cum-covered quills sat on the desk's hard edge;
O' Gods, grant me this fertile signature;
Apollo's gold poet sings of knowledge;
Write into marble as a chiseller.

[Anonymous No.13153927]

What do I do if all of my ideas are really stupid?

[Anonymous No.13155181]

>>13153927
>starting with ideas
Of course they all suck.
Try making a list of random object and writing something that incorporates most or all of the items. Ideas are important, but they come later.

[Anonymous No.13155540]

Bump

[Anonymous No.13156983]

What do you guys think about this kind of prose?

[Anonymous No.13157029]

>>13153923

I wish I didn't like this because it feels affected and unnecessarily lofty, but I'm sensing a level of irony behind it that may assuage the quality. Either way, its got a biting aesthetic to it, I can hardly describe. It either takes itself too seriously or the joke hasn't 100% hit me but it's intriguing at the very least.

[Anonymous No.13157291]

>>13153923
>every line ends with a semicolon
based

[Anonymous No.13157362]

>>13145991
"rejuvenating sip" is a bit cliche
you should probably use more realist language to build up to your punchy metaphors instead of infusing them throughout every description, so that the reader has a better signal of what to focus on
"highway sings me a lullaby" is too rhymey for prose, it's risking a distraction.

I think in general this needs more room to breathe

[Anonymous No.13157386]

>>13144825
first sentence is frankly awful, it's trying too hard and it provides the information in the worst possible manner. you're allowed to just you awoke to an alarm, though from the start that's a pretty rote way to start writing. I think you're having trouble with the prose's psychic distance, as if you can't decide how much vividness you're supposed to be using to describe a given action. as a general rule, you're supposed to go into more detail when the thing you're describing is more important.

[Anonymous No.13157413]

>>13156983
I dislike purple prose.

[Anonymous No.13157494]

Inspired by another post on this board; rate please:

HAHA OK SO LISTEN TO THIS
WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY
AND I SAW THIS FUCKING WHITE BITCH
SHE WAS LIKE 5 FOOT SIX HAHA
AND SHE HAD A NIGGER BABY
JESUS CHRIST HAHAHAHAHA

BUMPED INTO HER ON THE WAY OUT
AND JUST SAID "'SCUSE YOU' HAHAHA
THEN SHE STARTED TALKING TO ME
I JUST LAUGHED IN HER FUCKING FACE
WHAT A FUCKING CUNT HAHAHA

[Anonymous No.13157556]

Chapter Five

Today I ordered naan bread, from the same place. I thought I ordered less, but the delivery driver came once again holding with two hands a large party tray. Inside, a pile of naan bread, cut into neat quarters. I was confused, but I guessed that it was simply good service as I was a frequent customer. But the thing is, I simply put a quantity of "2" in the UberEats app when making my order. The total came out to 8 dollars, yet here I was again with a large aluminum tray of naan that could last me for several days. I didn't know what to do with the fact that the local indian place enjoyed giving away large quantities of freshly made naan bread, and really good naan bread at that. The kind I had ordered were the ones filled with some sort of cheese and herbs. I took one, folded it, and dipped it into my spicy chicken curry, and ate it. And then I ate another. And another. Before I knew it, my belly was warm and full, and the pile of naan in the tray was still heaping. Boy, I wondered, this is indeed a blessing and a curse, is it not? Because now I would have to turn all this naan into poo. And that seemed like a lot of work. But what is life if not for work, whether in good fortune or misfortune. I wiped my mouth and sucked on my cup of mango lassi, and retired to my room, fully fatigued by the morning already.

[Anonymous No.13157607]

>>13156983
You should've stopped towards the end of the paragraph and just relieved your erection before carrying on.

[Anonymous No.13157615]

>>13157494
Stop trying to derail one of the only quality threads on this board you fucking hound.

[Anonymous No.13157624]

>>13157615
I'm not trying to derail anything, I am sincere in my post.

[Anonymous No.13157628]

>>13157362
>>13157386
Thanks for your criticism anons, I know it has to much prose and lacks plot and more substantial actions. I'm working on it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OG5eU-qKQABmY7BeUu2t_vBCPvQReH-_guNfsmaEGiA/edit?usp=drivesdk

[Anonymous No.13157770]

>>13148114
That sounds nothing like Romantic poetry, you dumbass.

[Anonymous No.13158139]

>>13157770
bruh have you read a single American romanticist?

[Anonymous No.13158324]

>>13139323
Was a fun read


My poem:

Dadhood

My dad, daring not disturb the growing of his lawn
Sits cross-legged in the afterlight of diner
Quiet as the heaving earth.

Once, every ten to fifteen minutes,
He hops with faint tenuous joy to
Rethink the careful arrangement
Of his sprinklers,
Handling each preciously
As if their placement had been thorougly
Chewed in a long drifting motion of his mind.

Each sprinkler then begins its cycle once again
That is,
Stutter cathartically and then stop
Pause, coil
and breathe
To insist and emphasize a point
I am surely missing.

[Anonymous No.13158375]

Just finished the first chapter of my scifi/horror story, looking for critique. 12 pages, commenting enabled. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KI39DtqdDP3cxqtgxSHda0JtIW9LviZRFrQFlQuv3rk/edit?usp=sharing

[Anonymous No.13158376]

>>13158324
>ode to a boomer
I think you need to work in your first stanza, it doesnt flow as good as the other ones

[Anonymous No.13159042]

>>13158375
pretty sure you'll figure out most of the problems as you rewrite it yourself. this has some potential but it's extremely raw.

[Anonymous No.13159048]

>>13156983
Depends what you're trying to do. If you're trying to piss off your reader with transparently self-aggrandising prose, then keep it up. If not, some intellectual humility would go a long way.

[Anonymous No.13159145]

>>13159042
Were you TM, the one posting most of the comments? If so, its greatly appreciated. Its been a long time since I wrote anything longer than a few pages or more complicated than an outline, much less something in first person.

Biggest thing you suggest I focus on?

[Anonymous No.13159174]

>>13159145
yeah that was me
focus on the purpose every sequence serves, and tailor it to best suit that purpose and no other. you're doing some things correctly. Identify themes, which you wrote in there without realizing, and rewrite sequences in order to better emphasize them.
You should do full rewrites using draft 1 as a guide, rather than editing. Read it aloud to yourself, especially the dialogue, and get it to sound right.
Think about what level of detail you're writing in, whether you're focusing in on the details of your MC's experience, down to the five senses, or giving a broad view of something, just saying what happened. The amount of focus should correlate to the impact of what you're describing, to both the MC and the reader. Any missteps in this are misleading and frustrating.

[Anonymous No.13159280]

>>13159174
Focus on purpose of passage and keep it singular
Emphasize themes and find potentially hidden ones
Rewrite instead of edit
Think more about level of detail in relation to the importance of the moment
Dont use I when it can be helped
A decent list, should keep me occupied while I finish going over what Ive already written. Thank you again, always good to get some constructive criticism.

[Anonymous No.13159920]

The horse she rode on wailed as her fingers fought the reins that held the beast. Mud speckled her white dress, she thought that she must look like a phantom from afar riding down the heath at dusk pale and lucid. She thought herself one too, she had been a living a ghost for long. Walking the halls of the house doing the same frivolous things waiting for that cracking sound of private thunder. She was not adapt for vanishing, she knew. The winds were to harsh, the branches of the trees were too long, all of it was foreign to her though she had been here since the farthest veiled memory could recall. But if she could live for just one moment more and die without hearing that awful foreboding sound again she would sink into the flowers and soil with a smile on her curdled up kind blue lips.

>>13146005
Like the combination of words but i hope you intended this to be funny
>>13153923
Cool. Short and sweet. Sounds theatrical.

[Anonymous No.13160138]

This is the first paragraph to my second chapter. Is it too pretentious?

My journey begins on the twelfth of June, two thousand and sixteen. A hot summer’s day, the sky a rich blue with the sweet summer sun, shining down upon all earthly creatures. The forests formed a blooming viridescent ocean, with its’ birds sailing above the thalassic leaves; Robin, Sparrow, Goldfinch and Jay, and all other inhabitants that blessed those unceasing branches. A mansion stood majestically before those incessant waters, its walls shimmering in the ever-present light, radiating down from that inescapable ball of fire. The walls were built with a smooth milky material, which naturally caused the sun to reflect into the eyes of any unfortunate soul that made the injudicious decision to look its way. A balcony stretched from port to starboard on that illustrious vessel, for all guests and visitors to marvel at the surrounding scenery. Before the forest lay a meadow of kaleidoscopic proportions: Bluebell, rose, celandine and Daisy; the meadow like the canvas, the gardener like the artist. Before the meadow sat an equanimous river, flowing down to a charming little pond below an overarching willow tree. Foxes, Deer and other woodland animals were frequent drinkers of this well sheltered oasis, contributing graciously to its already pleasant appearance.

A great event was taking place before the river, on the newly trimmed grass, a party of tremendous magnitude stood waiting, and I along with my family were invited.

[Anonymous No.13160353]

>>13153012
>>13152716
i am responding now, 4chan been weird recently

just from reading this small passage

overly descriptive imagery at the start but some are nice
second half is better narrative wise
this feels like it could be a short but would definitely need some sort of action happening. Even in thought, there are thoughts about actions whereas it doesnt feel like anything really happens


>>13153385
by the end of the first para you begin to repeat and it gets kinda tedious
start of first para definitely best part because you dont just muse liek a doomer

[Anonymous No.13160903]

>>13126768
Where can I post my work if it won't fit in a single screenshot?

[Anonymous No.13161216]

>>13160138
The imagery is fine for the nature surrounding the house, I had no problems with that, but it gets a bit heavy handed when you describe the house. A shorter and simpler description of the house would work better imo. Might try something like this:
>Along those verdant shores stood their mansion, its walls a smooth milky material that radiated the ever-present light of the sun. It was an illustrious vessel that offered guests a marvelous view from atop its balcony. Their sight line would extend along the horizon, though most spent their time marveling at the kaleidoscopic meadow along the forests's edge. Bluebell, rose, celandine and Daisy; the meadow was a canvas, the gardener an artist.

>Between the meadow and their home sat an equanimous river, flowing down to a charming little pond below an overarching willow tree. Foxes, Deer and other woodland animals were frequent drinkers of this well sheltered oasis, contributing graciously to its already pleasant appearance.

Gets the same points across about the house but in less time. Just my suggestion, Im by no means a professional, so take it as you will.

[Anonymous No.13161220]

>>13160903
Google docs.

[Anonymous No.13161417]

[Anonymous No.13162095]

>>13161216
Thanks anon, I'll take your advice and make it a bit simpler.

[Anonymous No.13163092]

>There was a muffled chuckle from Bob, a quiet preamble for his coming words. “Guess it was a shitty idea to trust your friend, eh?” Audible groans echoed Bob’s pun, each complaint acting as fuel for his chuckle, feeding it until he broke out into full laughter.

Hows this sound? Still feels a little weird to me.

[Anonymous No.13163171]

>>13159048
Hmm - interesting you read arrogance into it. Admittedly it's definitely not meant for a reader, so it is, I guess, by nature solipsistic or self-interested. My reading over it is sort of like the act of inspecting one's own stool.

I don't know about your suggestion of 'intellectual humility' - who on earth wants to read the intellectually humble? What a bore! Nor can I imagine someone praising a really talented for their intellectual humility. But then again, perhaps it is a quality best left unnoticed.

I do agree though - whatever I right has this banal postmodern maximalist-masturbatory quality to it that I can't shake... Not that its not a terrible mimicry of certain shades of Pynchon- minus all of the positive.

I suppose one day I'll have enough self-confidence to write only with those 5 penny words Faulkner talked so disparagingly about...

[Anonymous No.13163180]

>>13126768
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Le9FSYRQCJ-cIrZ0Ezrt0_OD8ZTWetJrBQ1P_leU7cM/edit?usp=sharing

[Anonymous No.13163193]

>>13149171
>over-the-top, 'funny' pulp noir type tone
that's sort of what i'm going for. glad it reads that way

[Anonymous No.13163237]

>>13163180
Is this a excerpt from a bigger piece of writing because I'd really like to read more

[Anonymous No.13163365]

We are the ones who double-dip the buttplug,
we who go warmly into the dungeon,
and we separate him who lives there coldly.

And Alas.
There lay the fuckdemon, shitting out niggerlads.

Again black baby burst out of coochie,
Come lick my asshole.
Umbilically cordial masturbation,
Sex-demon embryo interjects through my walls;

The transanally eviscerating prostaceans are coming.

[Anonymous No.13163422]

>>13163180
I like the idea, but its very rough. The counting of steps, going over the mistakes, the birds watching him for god, I like all of these. But theres a lot of run on sentences and strange grammatical choices. Maybe its just cause Im tired, but I have trouble visualizing some of the things within the story as well. Notably, the first few sentences about the centipedes and the paint roller was just confusing to me and the description of the lamp seems unnecessary.

[Anonymous No.13163434]

>>13163422
Hey could you critique my work? >>13163365 Thanks!

[Anonymous No.13163454]

>>13163193
Fair enough, it's entirely possible I'm just too used to reading shit on here, but I couldn't quite tell if you meant what you wrote in earnest. Presumably outside of here the tone'll be clearer to your reader though I guess? Either way, good luck mate.

[Anonymous No.13163508]

>>13163434
Not that well versed on poetry so I wouldnt be able to provide much good criticism. Plus, I feel like it was written as a joke. Still brought a smile to my face if only because I started to imagine it being the lyrics to a grindcore song though.

[Anonymous No.13163520]

>>13163508
And that's how i wrote 'em, hence the quality lol. I suppose i'd be interested in actual serious songwriting, but i have a learned gag reflex to horrendous lyricism, so i'm not sure how well i'd fare

[Anonymous No.13163563]

>>13163171
I'd say it's not so much that 'intellectual humility' is valuable in itself, but only insofar as it acts to prevent the worst excesses of preening/masturbation while you improve your prose. That's when your stool-examination (interesting image, your writing could certainly be more than that) becomes interesting to others, when you've developed your skill to a noteworthy degree. You have to earn the right to didacticism, and it's tough getting there, no point lying to yourself. Even many masters can't pull that off, and focus their talents elsewhere. After all, if your attitude is that your writing is meant for you, not a reader, why share it at all? I'd try and ditch that attitude, at least for a long while. Good luck regardless though. Ditch every attempt at higher thematic development and try just writing some short pieces about normal, everyday experiences: eating, walking, driving, whatever. If you can make that stuff interesting to read, or aesthetically pleasing, you won't need to rely on heavy-handed thematic ponitifcation to do ALL the heavy lifting.

[Anonymous No.13163601]

>>13163422
Yea I always get criticized on the structure of my sentences, I write good dialogue(at-least thats what i like to think) but my scene building sucks I usually don't even have the scene that well in mind. The first paragraph was suppose to depict a roughly painted orange wall that has all the usually nicks and knacks of a terrible paint job with drips and ridges all over. I always had dreams of the little ridges being centipedes crawling under the paint or little critters moving wavering, like the wall slowly waving. But then again I don't expect anyone to stare at walls for hours like i do but I felt like i needed to include it. The rat part is also behind the wall with rats moving through the vents but I suck with things like that.

pic related

[Anonymous No.13163653]

>>13163520
Theres room for any kind of lyrics within the metal scene, as long as youre ok with the obscurity your genre will bring you.

>>13163601
I just got home, but once Ive eaten and showered I can try to rewrite it in my style. At worst, its practice for me. At best, itll give you a bit of direction.

[Anonymous No.13163690]

>>13163653
>Theres room for any kind of lyrics within the metal scene, as long as youre ok with the obscurity your genre will bring you.
Yeah, but i'd like to attempt writing actual meaningful lyrics, not overtly sarcastic drivel, sarcastoc to the point at which it becomes trapped in it's own incompetence, but neither the specific kind of fakedeep drivel that is so horridly unoriginal, if of decent quality, that nobody will remember the piece past the end instinctual echo effect of a few days at most.

[Anonymous No.13163772]

>>13163454
do you have anything to say on the flow of it? like, does it read well?

[Anonymous No.13164073]

>>13163772
The flow isn't too bad, some parts don't run well in my opinion though.
>He, defined as Dove in the current moment
I'm sure it's possible to do something that conveys the idea you want to convey here, but it's slightly clunky for my liking. Perhaps something more along the lines of
'The man currently designated "Dove" follows her command with a snap of his fingers'? I don't know. Up to you.

>A moment, where it is not consumed by the night (but his raincoat remains wet & gets wetter): a moment where the scene becomes stark, lightning as a spotlight -- corpse with all the limbs removed, sockets gummy and leaking crimson; face caught in a smile, this situation is the biggest joke -- lines of red streak, splatter, dry on the walls that narrow his existence -- & then, nothing
Also, this feels unwieldy in my opinion. Parentheses, multiple dashes, semicolons and colons, etc. Bit much if you ask me. Maybe split it up into more elegant parts. It is still comprehensible, I didn't get lost reading it which is obviously good, I'm thinking just purely in terms of flow/how it looks on the page. Of course, you might have your reasons to want to keep it this way, it's just my impression.

[Anonymous No.13164122]

>>13164073
thanks!

[Anonymous No.13164175]

>>13161417
what the fuck
this is great

[Anonymous No.13164229]

Fuck I'm trash.
I'm hopeless.

[Anonymous No.13164241]

>>13163180
reads like if dfw had a stroke with his punctuation

[Anonymous No.13164304]

>>13163601
Here's my stab at it putting it in my style:
>Each morning I’m reminded of the pale, sedimentary, and shoddily painted walls in my study. Its distasteful orange plastering pocked with ridges that were never smoothed out. The shadows cast by my cheap lamp always made me think of centipedes crawling beneath the surface, the sound of their wriggling creating a harmony with the pitter-patter of rats in the vents.

>My breakfast is always coffee, eggs, and raisin-bread test slathered in jam. My morning routine is always an hour long stroll towards Lake Osborn. It’s a routine I’ve held for months with no intention of stopping. I count the steps leading down from my apartment. One, two, three, four. The numbers ring within my head, only stopping when I reach the bottom, after my head has rung thirty-six. One, two, three, four more steps until I exit the shade of my building. The sidewalk beneath my feet was a healthy old path, showing no cracks or wrinkles for its age. The smell of dog shit penetrates my senses as I come upon the veritable sewage dump for all the neighborhood’s animals. Perhaps at some point it was a verdant meadow, but anymore its just patches of dead grass like urine stains on a carpet.

Left out the part about the deserted street cause what I was thinking of doing may not have fit with what you intended.

[Anonymous No.13164380]

>>13163690
For what its worth, theres joke songs that I still remember and theres some sterile grindy songs I can still remember.

Loli and weeb metal still stick in my mind. Unfit for Human Consumption by Carcass still sticks in my mind. Things more on the doom metal side still stick in my mind, bands like Woods of Ypres and Novembers Doom are memorable just the same as bands like Allegaeon, Amon Amarth, and Septicflesh that are firmly on the death side.

Just cause its jokey or sarcastic doesnt mean its incompetent and forgettable. You cant control what people remember anymore than you can control whether they think something is funny. As long as what you have is of a decent quality then SOMEONE will remember and appreciate it.

[Anonymous No.13164417]

[Anonymous No.13164524]

>>13164304
wow, sprayed holy water all over my mess with this variation. i like it very clear very precise but none-less although they are the same two scenes the tone thats given by the style is completely different

ty, this can help me clean some things up

[Anonymous No.13164683]

hey anons, im the guy who was writing a story about the young man who couldn't express himself outside of words and art. just finished writing the sex scene where he tries to fuck a fat chick. crit welcome

[Anonymous No.13165524]

i lost my things
and i'm not sure why
i called you

but i didn't mean
just to say "hello"
and bore you

Writing a country song

[Anonymous No.13165569]

>>13126768
what's hilarious is how obvious a troll this is yet people always unironically critique it

[Anonymous No.13165912]

>>13165569
why is it an obvious troll? it looks like an ordinary piece of amateur writing?

[Anonymous No.13166725]

>>13164417
Holy fucking shit this is disgusting anon, good job.

[Anonymous No.13167175]

>>13164683
Description of the cranberry sauce could be cut down a bit.

Maybe a bit more clarity in the final paragraph, I assume he went back to fucking her but its quite sifficult to know for sure.

Otherwise, I like it.

[Anonymous No.13167235]

>>13164683
I like the last paragraph, and how you describe climax behind a cosmic filter, the canned cranberry simile is a bit hard to grasp and i doubt everyone that reads this would fully understand what your trying to say in that sentence. However it does work, epecially because she is somewhat like a fattened turkey.

[Anonymous No.13167282]

>>13127360
It's good but dude you need to use commas and full stops. Also drop some adjectives and "fancy" words, it's just too much and doesn't flow properly.

[Anonymous No.13167372]

>>13164417
oh I laffed

[Anonymous No.13167746]

>>13167235
>my own flesh and blood
This entire first paragraph creates immediate confusion as to whether your protag is describing himself performing actions, or is actually watching someone else do it. My initial assumption was the former, given that he's a dissociative druggie, I had to reread it a few times before I eventually decided that, no, you must've meant the latter. Clear your prose up so there's less ambiguity there. The immediate first contact I have with your writing doesn't strike me as the kind of place that benefits from this confusion.

[Anonymous No.13167767]

>>13164683
Really well written. I like the cranberry sauce part, it's bordering on absurd and I like that. Keep it in.

[Anonymous No.13167777]

>>13167235
>>13167746
Oh and on top of the first para being confusing, everything from 'The warm drowsiness...' to '...made me feel stupid' reads like a trip report on erowid, which begs the question, why should I read this instead of trip reports on erowid? The only answer I can come up with is if this piece is part of something larger, but I sorta get the impression that this is self-contained. I could be wrong obviously. Last sentence is interesting though, just needs the grammar cleaned up so it reads less awkwardly, like the image.

[Anonymous No.13167837]

[Anonymous No.13167854]

>>13152716
v talented
>>13153012
nice and fruity
>>13153385
eh in that eh kinda way
>>13157494
physical cringe
>>13158324
agree with other anon, who will boom first, you or the universe, only time will tell
>>13161417
not bad actually, would read more
>>13164417
fucking kek
>>13164683
this is good if virgin or slut, in between feels a little sad
>>13167235
i agree with other anon, awkward but there is a innocence to this writing as if a young kid is writing it (like 15)

[Anonymous No.13168256]

>>13167777
Nice digits, yes it's part of a novel I'm writing. Thank you for the feedback, I'll make sure i make the first paragraph less ambiguous, but a bit of confusion is sort of what i'm going for, as the protagonist is somewhat mentally damaged.

[Anonymous No.13168315]

>>13133000
this... this was beautiful

[Anonymous No.13168575]

>>13164417
Exactly something i'd expect to read on 4chan.


>brainlet trying to write
pic related, critique encouraged.

[Anonymous No.13168756]

>>13168575
„Gross"

[Anonymous No.13168991]

me again

[Anonymous No.13169068]

I made a poesie :


The phone rings and he is greeted by a mechanical voice pronouncing his name all wrong and grey,
Each grunted syllable drops like a dead leaf,
Informing him that governmental agencies are already mobilizing,
Sending their couriers along vague bureaucratic channels,
In order to apprehend him, —sir your position has become one of friction
in the clockwork, at this point it is necessary
that we have your mother’s maiden name

[Anonymous No.13169338]

>>13168575
Bit dry, clinical even. No soul to it, just dry descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts.

[Anonymous No.13170070]

Counting fireflies—
Waiting for the light to thicken,
Knowing work is slow.
Holding myself in the crossed arms
Of the shadows of some trees.
Words would just disrupt the dust.
Nothing worth hurting the dirt.
Nothing worth nudging to life
With stiff old fingers—
Let the crickets work.
Morning will roll over in bed,
And whisper something warm and wet.
I’m waiting for the train to take me.
I am waiting to be ready to wait.
I’m reminded of some parking lot
Where smoke snakes
From a stranger’s
Shriveled cigarette, just twisting
And snapping at its own ropey ass,
Contorting itself to the moon.
All of this is waiting, in a sense.
It takes effort to remember
That you’re talking to a comet.
This gravel path will show us to
The only road we know—
A dump of lumber
Smothered in fine-grain song.
Just know this, ghost:
You drip
From my cup
Like a leaf
Falling free
From a dream.

[Anonymous No.13171182]

Not sure if theres a better thread for this or not, but looking for some opinions.

My MC is experiencing auditory hallucinations from a, currently, friendly voice. Eventually, the voice will become sinister and a different visual hallucination will appear to try and intimidate the MC into doing what she wants. The auditory hallucination knows the visual hallucination by name.

How soon is too soon for the auditory hallucination to drop the name of the visual hallucination? Im considering dropping the name pretty early on into the MC and auditory hallucinations relationship but Im worried itll be too obvious.

[Anonymous No.13171215]

I think it will happen soon. Soon, soon, soon. What is coming? I don’t know. All I know is that it is coming. And when it does it’ll come like a train, all at once.

Don’t ask me what is coming because I don’t know. It’s a stupid question, anyway. What good is it to know what will happen? It doesn’t matter.

Like when Rodrigo, my husband, took a trip with the girls, and threw them, one by one, off a cliff.

What good would it be to know of their fate beforehand?

[Anonymous No.13171363]

>>13170070

This edges between nauseatingly beatnik & an interesting, somewhat existential calm. The images are simple in a good way, occasionally effective but sometimes painfully affected, as are the sentiments themselves. A style is being developed here, and not a bad one either, but you need to mute your romantic side a bit in exchange for more refined diction and less contrived airs. Clear potential anyway.

[Anonymous No.13171378]

How's this?

Was she a Girl worth falling in love with?
Questions like this should never be shared
Pure honesty was what he offered
She wanted somebody with a lot of hair
Magnanimous and exquisite she transcended life
He felt insufficient
But soon he realized she existed
To get to know her was more than he could ask
The grace and wit she offered
The day came and she set him free
The curse of romanticizing the past
Two individuals together
And the moment lasted forever
Flawed and fearful they gave each other love to last

[Anonymous No.13171390]

>>13163180
>dialogue is good
>3rd person is trash
>>13164304
>dialogue is trash
>3rd person is good
you would write this whole scene better in 3rd person and the other guy should fix his sentence structure and work with the dialogue more, it seems like hes good at. Other wise both are pretty neat I like em

[Anonymous No.13171426]

>>13171363
Thanks. Yeah, it's embarrassingly indulgent at parts. I'll keep working on it.

[Anonymous No.13171447]

>>13167854
>nice and fruty
Ummm what

[Anonymous No.13172051]

>>13169338
Yep, sounds exactly like me.

Thanks, this helps.