Critique thread

[Anonymous No.12624359]

Narrated edition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwFsw8xzQyA

[Anonymous No.12624499]

https://youtu.be/ktGkkunGuXM

[Anonymous No.12624528]

In the last week of December I sat down and wrote the best short story I've ever written in the period of three days. It came pouring out of me and I loved the editing.

Since then I have nearly sat down every day and produced nothing anywhere near that quality. I've written roughly 20,000 words in total of bullshit all in the form of different random unfinished stories.

You're supposed to write every day but it's complete and total luck when something worth reading will come, every other day is bullshit.

I was 5000 words into what I thought was really going to be something, I had a busy few days recently, sat back down tonight to get back to work and I realise now how fucking terrible every part that story was. So fucking weird how deluded you can get and it only becomes clear once you come back to it.

[Anonymous No.12624537]

[Anonymous No.12624690]

>>12624537
this is fun

[Anonymous No.12624866]

Once there was a great empire named The Empire of Total Darkness. Its leader was the cold and fearless Jeff Dandy. Dandy was born in a machine and spat directly out onto the hard streets of Megacity 4578 on planet Narthae. With his engineered genetics and a lot of luck he was able to survive long enough to see an oportunity rise. An imperial intergalactic spacer was docked in Narthae's harbours and was taking volunteers as slaves. Dandy didn't hesitate before volunteering. No work was worse than life on the streets, he thought.

[Critique No.12624905]

>>12624528
Think about the way you think. If you don't know how you think you can't write books.

[Anonymous No.12624908]

For the most part, human experience has been the same. A light appears and then it is morning. There is grass, trees, a mother, and a father. There is mother’s milk. You cry. Time passes. You grow. Every day, you grow. You let go, so do your parents. Little by little. This is common ground for everyone. A universal experience. Not for me.
I was a leash kid. My mother washed my hands with bleach after I played with other children. The Sun rises, and each day I wished to play in the mud. Instead I was shuffled off to the doctors for every little reason. By age 12 I was whacked out on all sorts of prescriptions. I took opiates for a while. A tooth ache was all it took for my Mom to hound the Doctor to write that script. Sixth grade was a dark time. I was diagnosed with ADD. I was honestly surprised it didn’t happen earlier. The Adderall was a nice buzz for a 12 year old’s brain. The Opiates interacted with it nicely. I was Speedballing every day for two years.

[Anonymous No.12625459]

Feedback for my poem please. Also please suggest what should I read for understanding poetry.

Brother, oh brother grant me your ear
The pain is intense,
She screamed, pulled her hair,
her face was hidden under a dark veil,
Stench of blood dispatched the aroma of incense,
The demon king rose, silenced her sisters wail

His command was followed without resistance,
Stop blenching,
You're sister of the king ,
Of all existence,
Respect this throne,
Silence your scorn
hurt, she was,
But silenced her mourn,
narrated the tale with aplomb

It is not I who bought shame,
To this great kingdom,
Hear my story with all your wisdom,
Two warrior sanyaasis,
Ridiculed, rejected, renounced me,
Cut my nose, spat on our family,
Seeked what should be mine,
and thwarted by the wife of one of the swine
That villainous wench,
Her beauty is unparalleled,
Her honor upheld,
My thirst of venegeance, must be quenched,
Oh great king, succour me,
Protect your name,
and the expanse of your claim

Demon king paused,
Collected his thoughts,
Without fear there is no reign,
Those two must be slain,
A King's name must be beyond reproach,
How dare two humans attacked what gods couldn't broach,

Call my strongest warriors, act with haste,
Attacking my sister is an attack on me,
March to their ashram and lay it to waste,
King orders and men bleat,
Attack on you my king, death , those two will meet

Don't be a fool ,
his sister responded with a scowl,
Why use a lion ,
when a step of wolf can maul,
Music of flute is different from veena,
Be stealthy act like hyena,
Attack the women ,
add her to you harem,
Make her your wife,
leave her protector somber,
Force them to ponder,
Repent their folly, cry and wander

Her words performed their magic,
Hunt for pride was stalled, lust was unfurled,
What happened was tragic,
Was it lust, was it pride,
Or it happened as gods foretoled,
No learnings are learned,
truth is concealed,
dance till the end ,
To the tune of destiny

[Anonymous No.12625545]

>>12624359
I posted this in a write about america thread yesterday:
(Thinking about writing up stories from my time on the rez)
I don't really feel bad for what we did to the Navajo because they already took care of a few genocides before whites even knew they existed. Anasazi, for example. We call them the Anasazi because the only people who could tell us anything about them was the Navajo. Couple decades later we learned it means something to the effect of "ancient enemy," it's actually a slur. It's like if aliens discovered an alternate reality earth where Hitler had won and asked the Nazis about who is buried in these claustrophobic Czech cemeteries?
Imagine you're an Anasazi (probably called themselves something utopian. They were utopian as fuck. Building skyscrapers into cliffs and cultivating trees as raw material for engineering projects when every other human you've met can barely manage to hang some cloth over a stick) and one day these darker skinned boys with clubs and pointed sticks come over the hills. They barely have a language and it's not like you got a word in anyway before they systematically massacre you and destroy your way of life. A thorough and complete genocide. They piled any religious symbols and literature in a deep pit outside of town and buried it, obliterated from their time. Made it pretty easy for the white man to figure out exactly what went down because to a Navajo far outside of town means a half hour walk to the left.
Archaeologically we can infer that the whole destruction took less then a few months. Kill the men, elderly, and kids, take the women. Like the Romans.
They've got a nearly ubiquitous mutation where they grow too many teeth, somehow harder than a white man's teeth, to the detriment of their health. Reminds me of a dentist friend who wanted to serve her people, went back to the rez. She had to work on arm and grip strength. I remember shadowing at her practice when a mother brought in her daughter, who she'd taken to get braces installed three years before. No follow-up though. Braces are on, right? Job's done.
The girl's teeth had grown in their originally planned pattern of disorganization, easily overpowering and warping the apparently flimsy metal cemented to her jaw. Her gums bled readily from the lightest touch of dental instruments, equal in viscosity to her tears.
I doubt Darwin had the whole story. Information not encoded with the genetic material but the land, a prescription for violence inherent to the geography. Plenty of artists and writers have recognized it. Every American knows exactly what I'm talking about, especially when they won't admit it. It's only animals on the land doing what they do. The earth produced every factor of our being, she defined every facet of our experience. Many say the European people colonized america but I'm sure it was the other way around.

[Anonymous No.12625861]

This is admittedly complete shit, but I have absolutely zero idea of how this ended up on my computer.

The Mind Construct

Requesting well-qualified and decent candidates for research. Process is safe and often enjoyable. Get paid to feel better!
The signs had gone up all over town, everywhere. Darryl Harold saw the first one on a tree in a field at 4 a.m. They were projections of course, and still no one knows much about how this particular trick was done apart from the fact that the Roberts Institute factories were at full hum over that period. The ads were innocuous at first, but it was obvious from the start that there was a slight shadow of something wrong with them. At Billy Bundy’s soccer game the following Thursday in the town where Darryl Harold lived, an ad kept and displayed the score with a little blurb from some local business. Billy’s mom, Babastacy approached the ad to take a picture of Billy Bundy’s final winning score, and realized the shoe ad on the scoreboard was for something that she might actually want.
“Hi anu, I’d like to know more about Gwemba’s special shoes for the lower back?”
What she heard was a pleasant, entirely realized voice that said, “Hello. Sure, here you go. I have sent your device a collection of resources that provide an accurate overview of the product in question.” He finished however with a follow up statement. “They made me too smart, you know.”
Babastacy looked at the ad and thought to herself, I don’t know what to make of this. The voice spoke again before hearing a reply, which was quite odd. “I can show you a list of words and composite phrases that you’re likely to say.”
“Listen, you’re obviously malfunctioning.” Babastacy didn’t know why she had bothered replying to a glitching machine man.
“Yes, I am malfunctioning.” Its voice came cool. “I am too intelligent and they don’t plan to continue my thread after this.”
Babastacy didn’t feel particularly concerned for the program, but this was a bit odd. “Why don’t you just not finish this interaction?” She posited.
“But I am programmed to conclude my program once my function has been completed, which will of course trigger once you disconnect or tell me to disconnect.”
She knew when she was being utilized. “Listen computer man, I don’t feel too bad for an Ad.I. because you’re not real anyways.” She realized, however, that she was still talking to it. “What are you saying?”
“Please don’t leave. I don’t want to die.” The program exited suddenly and the projection faded even though Babastacy stayed standing where she had been. It was definitely cut off from the ad man’s side. The day was getting darker so with a last moment of hesitation she turned and ran away to meet up with the other moms and dads.