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/lit/ - Literature

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12588272 No.12588272 [Reply] [Original]

This is part of a restaurant scene I just wrote on a whim. It's part of a larger narrative, but I'd love some critique on what's essentially my writing style in its unedited form.

"Bewilder wilder than wild or not; there's no more reason to sink without spiel."
I gripped at the roots of my hair, scooting left, up, down, right; mixes and mashes of all in search of a way to sink farther into my chair.
"Marv, shut the hell up, you're making a fucking scene," I whispered, quivering at the vocal chord: but I had never seen that much pupil on a person before. His dinner in its entirety sat mucus swamped in its brown-reds of sauce, squabbling and wriggling as I hopped my leg among his "Lalo, Meaner, I am spiked at each liquid."
Our circumference of audience at their tables wallpapered my periphery in fattened eyes that stimulated my sweat.
"En cada parte del departamento encuentro el olor de mis inseguridades."
My hair followed my head in swift turns around and glances just above at Marvin's wording.
"Hey Marvin," I shouted, "tell me way more about that shit you just said in the comfort of our car, yeah?"
His head sunk over his neck and I looked with eyelids nearly touching against his own bloated ones.
"You make me believe in good things. The car, please."

>> No.12588285

it reads like a tornado. dont use math names

>> No.12588299

>>12588272
>Our circumference of audience at their tables wallpapered my periphery in fattened eyes that stimulated my sweat.
(consider revising)

>> No.12588310
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12588310

>>12588272

>> No.12588319

>>12588310
anon you cannot come here with a laughter image and post 0 (zero) context. those are old memes. please explicate what you see in OPs writing

>> No.12588361

Cum like a ragamuffin, hell on an earth for fools. Call this what you will, Jesse stayed at my place last night and please me well. Turn your attention to the dog-eared books we left on the floor. En mi casa es el gato y el perro con ansias y amores inflamada. So... are we clear?

>> No.12588616
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12588616

>>12588272
> another /lit/ jezebel post
im suppose to be on nofap

>> No.12588661

>>12588272
*BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPFT*

>> No.12589266

>>12588272
Give the thesaurus a rest man

>> No.12589924

>>12588272
Pretty sure a bot wrote this.