/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.12499878]

Poetry rate thread

[Anonymous No.12499896]

Sewn upon a thigh


Blue clouds bruise, dawns line frail
Contuse azure film around carmine pale
Crows prophetic seize in three throes orgy
As sole leaf fleas,
now twice,
now thrice
Triplets the symbol, dripple the stars
Nibble my neurons, pupils cross and scar
Upon horizon clear, dream born devil coughs a smirk
And below his nape peers obscene swathes

full legions in wake!
Helmed and thyrsus armed
See their pineconed benediction!

O Inauspicious sign, bores queer season sake

Poor pentheus mangled as cracked nails ache

Shall seditious thoughts brine our box of rain?

Peel the crust and crumble, while laying claim?

Uproot uproot! Wheels turn and rust
Brutes moot and gurn, vines rhyme with lust

Butterfly butterfly, how can you frolic,
with such a finish frowning high?

Cloud bound veneer, vexing us all!

Carved and clad northwestern hall

O god, damn these delusions that appall

But that’s all they are, delusions, after all
But, to abort, the fantoms vaunt
Stain the air sanguine, with Occams cleave
Risk me now, to billow the burden
With each tentative chip, I shudder
Dissection unearths an impulse far baser
A few shades more vivid, with scrutinies stab
O the blood, the blood! it wilds the frenzy!
Their nostrils flare at visceral odour!
Movement corybantic! The craws ever crave!
Yes! coronate skulls meridian, in ivy wreath
Follow this stranger to virgin groves
My staff to rock, spring you fountain!
My fennel to ground, spring you claret!
Vineyard Vicar!
Lay your libations onto limbo flesh
For here! I stand, a god made man
Dare you deny, divinity?
Dare you, deny me?


Oh god, damn these delusions that appall,
But that’s all I have, delusions, after all

[Anonymous No.12499913]

>>12499896
4chan fucked up the spacing reeeee

[Anonymous No.12499924]

Gated rubber, raucous rifts ripple rub
Metallic! Chemical!
Scald skin and sinus
Simmer, boil! Bubbles of brawny gossamer
Sticky red green gold
Grating
Gnaw

Pop
Mono Colored rainbow greying out the frey
Crystallize, reform
Return and ripple under sable sun
Thunder sans light

[Anonymous No.12499927]

Seven thousand pseudo solar strings
Bloom a gilded glaze
On dusk cracked black cement
Peel off shadows from five faces
Awoke and wed in whiskey
Their joy reflects the bulbs brilliance
Both artificial and ephemeral
Repelling hungry shadow
For but a moment more

[Anonymous No.12499971]

Left: hers would be the one I'ld consume (tetas, concha).

[Anonymous No.12500059]

>>12499878
oh my god i know the girl working the counter wtf

[Anonymous No.12500068]

>>12499896
Drop the Crane. It reads like late-19th century...

[Anonymous No.12500147]

>>12500068
That was the style I was going for.
The archaic language was supposed to enhance the psychosis

[Anonymous No.12500686]

two small tipsy toes
slipping, serpent, snake
waking and woke regrets afloat
poe has taught me great
yet I don’t even, care
inflates a vision of despair
don’t push it on for those to bear
and I bear, signs, of sept
unlike all of the old rest
and i just, need, to stare
headlights, deer, and death’s golden flair

[only EE majors will get this No.12500718]

A Smith chart is an arcane thing,
The myriad circles in a ring,
Reflection's own most complex graph—
Above this line, inductive half;
Capacitative here below,
While round and round does VSWR* go.
More stable here, less noisy there,
And power must be matched whene'er
A conjugality is found
Twixt source and load, says judgment sound.
Now, by its study to define
Robust high-frequency design.

*pronounced viz-whirr

[Anonymous No.12500731]

lyrics not poetry but still looking for r8:

No surprise, no epiphanies
All that was will cease to be
As the sun climbs through the trees
Brings the dawn, the cacophony

[only EE majors will get this No.12500761]

>>12499896
Not bad, I think you actually get poetry. Best itt.
>>12499924
Also fine, I think the terseness makes it work rhythmically.
>>12499927
I feel like this is too constrained by trying to stay grammatical. The rhythm of the first two lines I like, but the rest feels flat. I'd point to the poem above for what I'd like to see.
>>12500731
Drop the "the" in the last line and I like it.

[Anonymous No.12500875]

The perpetuation of intoxication one must cease to desire.
For blissful liberation engulfed in pure knowledge is one's eternal retire.
All are welcome, yet not all reserve this request.
Such are those who've been snared by Maya's sinister jest!

[Anonymous No.12501064]

Yo, wassup, Ese.
Get in the low rider, home.s
We eatin' tacos.

[Anonymous No.12501065]

Intertwine thine mind
Upon thine nine caliber
Russian roulette cinema
I see darkness

[Anonymous No.12501074]

>>12500875
Based. I like it. Shoet and sweet. Are you into Eastern philosophies?

[Anonymous No.12501079]

>>12501074
short*

[Anonymous No.12501217]

>>12501074
Yes sir! And thank you. Not a full poem only some lines, I would like to turn into something more complete.

[Anonymous No.12501444]

>>12501217
Nice. Post it somewhere on lit when you're done if you can. Hopefully I'll happen to see it.

[Anonymous No.12501475]

In dreaming Dreamers wake, upon a waking world.
Whose skies exist unlitted and whose stars exist unfurled.

Where the land is as a curtain, blowing in the wind.
And whose dawns exist undawning, unbroken and undimmed.
Where the mountains flow like water and the deserts are as glass.
Where the cities stand unfaltered and the forests grow vast.

There shadows stretch unhindered by the breaking of the light.
Where the only moral reason is that of natural right!
Where the might rule unbidden by nature or her laws -
Where they reign over their kingdom - a temple to their flaws.

In dreaming one is lost and there another born and that is where you’ll find me -:
In shadow. In motion. In form.

[Anonymous No.12501482]

>>12501475
In dreaming Dreamers wake, upon a waking world.
Whose skies exist unlitted and whose stars exist unfurled.

Where the land is as a curtain, blowing in the wind.
And whose dawns exist undawning, unbroken and undimmed.
Where the mountains flow like water and the deserts are as glass.
Where the cities stand unfaltered and the forests grow vast.

There shadows stretch unhindered by the breaking of the light.
Where the only moral reason is that of natural right!
Where the mighty rule unbidden by nature or her laws -
Where they reign over their kingdom - a temple to their flaws.

In dreaming one is lost and there another born and that is where you’ll find me -:
In shadow. In motion. In form.***

[Anonymous No.12501505]

>>12501444
That I may do, good sir

[Anonymous No.12501817]

Can i post a short story?

[Anonymous No.12502118]

>>12500718
You fucking ruined it for me with the explanation of how to pronounce VSWR. I was likely one of the few who would have enjoyed it.

[Anonymous No.12502130]

food for thought

for tiny black beetles

for entropy and epitaph writers

bored on a sunday afternoon

i begin to fix them lunch

[Anonymous No.12502132]

I’d prefer if you went away.
Don’t try to talk to any-
Lest one were to go astray
In your youth you yield many
But as you ripen you will regret.
Love will never find you truly.
It’s just the allure of your youthful breasts.

[Anonymous No.12502141]

>>12501065
Though there be such a thing as a 9mm (I assume you are stating) revolver that uses moon clips, it is such an oddity that its presence distracts because the oddity implies importance. If "nine caliber" references something else then perhaps I plebed it... or perhaps the irony was Russian Roulette with an auto. Dunno - I'm lost.

[Anonymous No.12502145]

>>12499878

i nutted in the bitch
i bit the wolf's neck
i killed 5,000 police officers

yet still no gf

[Anonymous No.12502153]

The bands below the Berkshires bend and break,
Because of this I loved your stretchmarks most,
Your body subdivided for my sake
Was something like a sign—perhaps a ghost.
Beneath those psychedelic summer skies
We learned a bit of what all lovers know
But missed the mausoleums love implies
In every fault and pyroclastic flow.
Of mile margins somewhere left of west,
And flat as iron, fountain-formed, divine,
I told you once and when you left your breast
Beat out a breath that paved the pinyon pine.
You stole my sweaters, sewed up every hole.
Your line of flight’s a drag fold on my soul.

[Anonymous No.12502155]

>>12502132
this took years off my life

nothing in this thread is worth the read. how is this board so fucking idiotic

[Anonymous No.12502160]

>>12500731
>>12500761
I would lose the comma too, so it reads "brings the dawn cacophony"

[Anonymous No.12502161]

Sestina

In the beginning the camera fades in from black
And moves its focus to a scene unknown.
The story always made out to be simple.
A world formed from dust carried in mens veins
That lashes out at creation with violence
And tears while moving ever in eternity.

An always know but never understood eternity.
Within finite mind it can only be a borderless sea of black
Yet in the face of that we find violence,
In his many forms, defending or defying an unknown
That carries mankind and bleeds through its veins.
That something matters seems clear and simple.

In complexity we find that beauty is the simple
And that it carries itself with weight. Ignorant of eternity.
An ever present wonder in the world’s veins
That denies and rebukes the sea of black
And with venom spits in the face of the unknown.
For beauty to exist is an act of violence.

And when did we come to fear violence?
That urgent will that seeks and finds a simple
Means of bringing form into the unknown.
Narrow the scope in from eternity
And deprive yourself of the visions of black
To feel the instant in your veins.

What else but to slash apart the veins
And pour red across the reach of violence?
The blood of ages marrs the black
And brings with it nothing more than simple
Peace that is doomed in eternity
And marches blind into unknown.

Fear moves and hides from the unknown
Both cowardice and courage in the same veins
Find no meaning in eternity
Which can take but not deliver violence.
Incapable of such a task. So simple,
Yet it can never bring itself out of the black.


The night is black and filled with unknown with only stars
To show the black against their simple light
Down below rebellion builds with violence in its veins.

[Anonymous No.12502172]

>>12500718
good stuff, i like how the rhyme is traditional but the words and content are
>>12502130
Best in the thread for me easily. Short, concise, interesting image, nice language but also well described. sometimes people write too personally and nothing gets across, this is the opposite, you've distanced yourself a bit and it works

[Anonymous No.12502175]

>>12502172
Words and content are not*

[Anonymous No.12502181]

we rescued him

(far too late)

from drywall curiosity

but time had taken him

and left us with a parcel of teeth

wrapped in vellum

in the shape of a cat

[Anonymous No.12502194]

we rescued him

(far too late)

from drywall curiosity.

time had taken him

and left us with a parcel of teeth

wrapped in vellum

in the shape of a cat.

[Anonymous No.12502229]

>>12501065
Inappropriate use of "thine." It should be "thy mind" and "thy nine caliber." Though correcting this will not improve your poem.

[Anonymous No.12502265]

A child in the mall, who clutches tightly their mother’s hand
Makes miniature, yet particular observations
How high the ceiling is
What shape the tiles are
How fast the elevator moves
What direction the shadows are cast
It is a human desire to wonder – what if?
Allowing tiny, insignificant things to manifest and grow
A trait often exclusive to a child’s psyche.
But by no fault of their own
A child
Entranced by the ceilings
The floor tiles and the elevators
Might not be so wary of the bigger things in front of them
Usually a pole, sometimes a window
But rarely a person
Another child
Who much the same would
Never realise the other was there.
Fate wouldn’t bear good news, nor would it caution them
Their paths would just cross prematurely
Each afforded the other’s presence
Ten years too early and without
The butterflies.
In the meantime, they fade
Each clutching their mother’s hand
Going their separate ways until they meet again
For now, to each other, just shadows, only foreshadows.

[Anonymous No.12502269]

Oh god, i’m not sure
I can do beans again,
while another seared steak
flits across my minds eye.

But the trite taste of
salty legumes will have
to prevail, as the
cows are much too aware.

[Anonymous No.12502277]

>>12502265
made weak in how it’s drawn out. you could have made a much more efficient point with half as many words. there’s potential, but nothing particularly powerful currently

[Anonymous No.12502286]

>>12502269
absolutely lovely

[Anonymous No.12502292]

>>12499896
>>12499927
>>12500686
>>12501064
>>12501065
>>12501475
>>12501482
>>12502130
>>12502132
>>12502153
>>12502161
>>12502194
>>12502265
Drivel
>>12500718
>>12500731
Not drivel

[Anonymous No.12502298]

The hens are in the coop tonight;
The birds sing from the trees;
The fireflies pulse with yellow light,
so what is wrong with me?

The insects drone is sweet tonight;
The sunset aims to please;
If all about me goes alright,
what causes this disease?

The brook is flowing clear tonight;
Of jasmine smells the breeze;
The moon gives off a gentle light,
But my love's across the seas.

The eggs are in the nest tonight,
The children ate their peas;
Jehovah's in his heaven bright,
But my love is away from me.

[Anonymous No.12502299]

Does anyone else not write poetry casually enough to share? Each one I write is really unique and special to me, and obviously I'm not a poetic genius or anything but I have an irrational paranoia, like I can't take the collectible out of its box or something. Anyone else feel that sometimes, at least with their favorites? I figure I'll grow out of it in time

[Anonymous No.12502309]

>>12502286
Wow, thank you. That's kind.

[Anonymous No.12502311]

>>12502277
Cheers.

[Anonymous No.12502316]

>>12502299
it’s okay to hoard. i like to share my meaningless ones and keep the “good” tidbits tucked away, just in case. but poetry isn’t going to oxidize; fresh eyes can really help you get a better grip on your own writing

[Anonymous No.12502325]

>>12502298
I like it a lot anon, nice rhyme scheme and imagery. I will say that the last stanza threw me a bit, I think I'd like it a bit better if you continued the nature themes out through the end, the image you're getting at is a good one you should end stronger

[Anonymous No.12502326]

Vestigial and vapid
On course for slaughter
Harpies doth hearken
Seraphim sitting solemnly in the cracks
the banquet of bile laid before thee
OP is and forever will be a fag

[Anonymous No.12502339]

Where should I get started with poetry? I want to be able to write compelling lyrics, but so far everything I come up with sounds cheesy and forced.

[Anonymous No.12502352]

>>12502339
Read more poetry, write more poetry and be prepared for it to all be awful. You have to write until you've gotten all the bad writing out of your system. Even then you'll still write mostly garbage but you'll know how to edit it.

[Anonymous No.12502353]

>>12502339
Not sure exactly what you mean by "forced" but if it's a technical thing then focus less on meter and rhyme. If you mean the actual content is cheesy then I have no advice for you.

[Anonymous No.12502362]

>>12502353
Ignore this guy. Write in meter, form and rhyme until you get comfortable with them and then you can play around. You can't break the rules until you can follow the rules. If you listen to him you'll write like everyone in this thread.

[Anonymous No.12502370]

>>12502352
Is there any collections of poetry I should check out, or any specific poets?
>>12502353
Even if I try to write about how I feel, it seems like other people word it better than I ever could. If I talk about anxiety or something like that, it just sounds like I'm whining.

[Anonymous No.12502371]

>>12502362
Meter, form, and rhyme have little to do with why everyone itt is shit

[Anonymous No.12502389]

>>12502370
There are a lot of good ones. Odds are you'll want to start reading them in english (or your native tongue) so you can study and learn how they work. Norton has a good anthology of American poetry and a decent book on poetic forms. Barnes and Nobles has a really cheap poetry book with like 2 poems from 40 or so authors for like 6$ that you could grab. Just make a note of the poets you like and then read more of their work. Good luck!

[Anonymous No.12502391]

>>12502371
No one in this thread has practiced them and live under the illusion that you can just vomit words out. If you don't learn the scales you'll never play a song.

[Anonymous No.12502434]

>>12502391
The trick is to practice at all, not practice something that is of no benefit to you. The point is to realise you're going to write the same thing in the same way over and over again and then try to change it.

[Anonymous No.12502439]

>>12502434
You can practice all you want but if you practice wrong it will put you in a worse spot than not practicing at all.

[Anonymous No.12502446]

jane and jane in hand and stride

lay together side by side

and in their ends are sanctified

while their hermitages putrified

[Anonymous No.12502448]

>>12502439
Yes and practicing meter and rhyme is practicing wrong if you're not going to write in meter and rhyme

[Anonymous No.12502450]

When taken out of its French braids your hair
Is soft and rich, like pasta, or a kiss
But also, in some happy way, amiss
Like dollar bills you didn't know were there
That meet your searching fingers with surprise
When all they sought was warmth or pocket lint,
Some small approximation of the hint
Of happiness I've seen between your thighs,
Which are as smooth as your unbraided hair
Or Spanish surnames, murmuring "there, there."

[Anonymous No.12502451]

>>12502370
Write because you wanna write my dude, it can be for your eyes only, you'll get better

[Anonymous No.12502461]

>>12502448
If you can't write a good poem in meter, form and rhyme then you don't have it in you. This retarded notion that you can just jump into free verse is why Rupi Car is popular.

[Anonymous No.12502468]

>>12502461
Dude, fuck off.

[Anonymous No.12502469]

then on i stepped (to boot)
the knife in her chest
i, destroyer of soles

[Anonymous No.12502474]

>>12502461
What the fuck is 'it'? This is some arbitrary bullshit. To get good at something you practice it. If you want to get good at meter and rhyme write in meter and rhyme. If you want to get good at free verse write in free verse. The only problem is not to assume you are good because you managed to 'finish' something. Any other 'rule' is metaphysical nonsense.

>you can just jump into free verse
without practicing*

There's nothing you're saying that invalidates what I'm saying.

[Anonymous No.12502475]

>>12502461
>>12502468
Actually I chuckled at the picture u ight

[Anonymous No.12502478]

>>12502468
Get fucked, cunt. OP don't listen to this retard.

[Anonymous No.12502485]

Imagine not practicing meter and rhyme, two of the most important elements in poetry. Just ignore everything prior to the 19th century, and surely you’ll do okay.

[Anonymous No.12502495]

>>12502474
Why do you insist on arguing that he shouldn't practice? This guys going to end up writing fucking Keruac type poetry and look like a hulking retard. If you can't learn the basics of poetry you can't write poetry. All poetry is a discussion with itself, past and present, your thinking would leave this poor schmuck incapable of understanding anything pre-1940 much less write anything. Go ahead and make excuses for how you don't want to put in the work but don't delude this guy into the same resignation of failure.

[Anonymous No.12502498]

>>12502485
This guy gets it.

[Anonymous No.12502502]

>>12502485
No one's saying ignore all poetry before the 19th century you hysterical retard. Read it, fine. Practicing it will not give you the foundations to move beyond it. The problem is you're too pre-occupied with the 19th century's ideas of 19th century poetry which in itself is extremely limited and not representative of all poetry. Poetry didn't reach its zenith as a build-up of all prior poetry in the 19th century. Holy fuck why is it such a revelation these days that tradition isn't the answer to everything?

[Anonymous No.12502504]

>>12502495
>Why do you insist on arguing that he shouldn't practice?

Ah it makes sense now, you lack reading comprehension.

[Anonymous No.12502514]

>>12502118
sorry anon, but I couldn't bear the thought of someone mispronouncing it and ruining my iambic tetrameter

[Anonymous No.12502521]

>>12502502
You're aware that poetic form, meter and rhyme are still a thing, right? You're aware that poetry did not reach a "zenith" (if I'm going to use such a retard word) in the 19th or 20th centuries, right? You are aware that meter and rhyme didn't lose relevance til the 1950s, right? You're aware that some of the greatest poems in the last 100 years still use meter, form and rhyme, right? Also why do you keep dismissing form? Is it somehow even more beyond you than simple meter and rhyme? If you can't write decently with meter and rhyme you can't and shouldn't write. Get fucked, retard.

[Anonymous No.12502530]

>>12502504
And you lack fundamental understanding of poetry, self improvement and argumentation. Why don't you go and find a better retort than that and get back to me.

[Anonymous No.12502535]

>>12502521
I'm completely dumbfounded that I'm talking with a supposed "poetry expert" who can't read a paragraph of plain English.

>Poetry didn't reach its zenith as a build-up of all prior poetry in the 19th century.
>You're aware that poetry did not reach a "zenith" (if I'm going to use such a retard word) in the 19th or 20th centuries, right?

No I wasn't aware, how could you tell? Has all the meter and rhyme made you telepathic because practicing it for some reason gives you powers beyond its limited scope?

[Anonymous No.12502536]

>>12502468
I kind of agree with him. There are so many different formal styles of poetry, but no one studies them, no one tires them. People think they can just spew out four lines of self-involved nonsense and call it a poem. I mean, it is a poem but it's usually shit.

Can any of these young fucks write a poem as half as good or clever as Robert Frost's Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening?
>doubt.jpg

[Anonymous No.12502539]

>>12502530
I mean I would have a better retort but I wouldn't want you to think that when I explicitly say "he should practice" you interpret it as the complete opposite.

>To get good at something you practice it. If you want to get good at meter and rhyme write in meter and rhyme. If you want to get good at free verse write in free verse.

[Anonymous No.12502603]

>>12500761
>>12502160
>>12502292
thank you, I usually just write the commas to account for chord changes, I do think it sounds better without 'the' though

[Anonymous No.12502671]

>>12502539
You keep saying free verse but you mean free form. Milton used free verse for Paradise Lost but he also wrote the whole thing in iambic pentameter. Iambic pentameter is a meter in case you didn't know. I don't feel like I need to explain any further. You clearly don't know what you're talking about, but you would have if you had studied meter, form and rhyme.
Pic related. It's me burying your dog shit arguments.

[Anonymous No.12502682]

>>12502535
Poetry doesn't reach a zenith because it is ever evolving. There is no peak for an art form. All poetry is a discussion with what is being written and what has been written. Why don't you go read a book on it? Or do you have trouble reading? I'm right, you're wrong. Good luck with all your future failures. I'm going to go masturbate now.

[Anonymous No.12502703]

>>12500718
I had great fun with this.
>>12500875
The second verse is fucked up, but it's cool.
>>12501482
I liked the first half, minus a couple of missing syllables. The rest is to edgy for me, and it seems like you are scraping for words too hard. Give it more thought, perhaps.
>>12502118
I did enjoy it and found the explanation helpful. And I have no idea of engineering or math in general.
>>12502130
Cute. Strong, though understated imagery, despite the rupikauresque diction. This is the kind of poem where I don't want to hear anyone's opinion on what the author may have been going for, for fear it would ruin my first (favourable) impression.
>>12502194
I could keep reading a bunch of these, but I'd probably get bored. The sting is sharp and decoding is fun, but there is no aftertaste.
>>12502265
Light and clear. It's nice to see something once in a while that doesn't try so hard. You could maybe try your hand at short stories.
>>12502269
I smirked.
>>12502298
I liked the first two. You spelled it out too rashly after that though.
>>12502450
The last line threw me off. Maybe because I can't think of any smooth Spanish surname.
>>12502474
Your point seems intuitive, but I'm afraid the other guy's right on this one.

[Anonymous No.12502774]

Fuck me up

When they took him to the execution.
He sat alone, last meal and rites in bowel,
The plan was always electrocution

They always find their simple solution,
The world would find its for them, laughing
When they took him to the execution,

He sat calm during the prosecution,
Never cried nor whimpered, fully knew
The plan was always electrocution.

The preacher spoke of God’s absolution,
He did not listen, but simply whistled
When they took him to the execution.

A young man with dreams of revolution
To never touch the greater world since
The plan was always electrocution.

Life for nothing with no restitution
Never thought, never offered, never hoped
When they took him to the execution.
The plan was always electrocution.

[Anonymous No.12502789]

>>12502671
Are you stupid? I just used whatever term the other guy was using.

[Anonymous No.12502794]

>>12502682
Would be a relevant post if I said poetry had reached a zenith. 'All poetry' obviously isn't a discussion if what people are writing here, as poetry, doesn't suit that discussion. Don't bother with empty platitudes.

[Anonymous No.12502807]

>>12502789
>>12502794
Well masturbating was fun. Neither of you have points to make. You're taking one part of the argument (neither of which are at the crux) and failing to counter any of the key points. Go ahead and write your free verse (form is what your looking for) and fuck right off to the land of bad poetry where you both currently, and will indefinitely, reside. I'd say you should give feedback in this thread instead of arguing but you'd only cause more harm than years of poor english classes have already done.

[Anonymous No.12502808]

>>12502461
It's mainly that any poem worth anyone's time must reference the poetry that came before it. There needs to be a firm standing in history in order for a poem to succeed, and in the case of english, almost all of our poetry was rhyming and metrical in the past, so we must understand how it worked, why it worked, why it was rejected (and yet subtly implemented), and then write new poetry that is synthesized between you and the history of your influences.

[Anonymous No.12502824]

>>12502808
>>12502794
This is the discussion I'm referring to. I'm failing to understand how you are failing to understand this.

[Anonymous No.12502849]

>>12502808
>any poem worth anyone's time

Why do you keep introducing stupid shit like 'poem worth anyone's time' like it means anything to anyone other than yourself. This attitude is what is wrong with poetry, your inability to think outside yourself. The people writing here are bad poets not because they immediately jump to free verse/free form/anything other than mastering meter and rhyme first, but because they don't think outside themselves. I've already said this before. I've already said practice is the key, just not practicing meter/rhyme because there's literally nothing, no evidence, no metaphysical reasoning, that can support mastering earlier examples of poetry before moving onto more contemporary ones. It's complete nonsense to argue otherwise. The only way you can prove this is introducing little caveats you think you can sneak past people who know how to read like 'worth anyone's time' -- you quite obviously mean poets you find interesting, and that your interests are super interesting because you find them interesting.

>almost all

Fucking listen to yourself. You're proving yourself wrong and you don't even realise it. Pay attention to your words. That is more what 'poetry' is than meter and rhyme. Obviously poetry can exist without either, which should clue you in. Strangely you think you have stopped masturbating but you continue to do so whenever you entertain your own thoughts without paying attention to literally any of the points I'm raising and passing it off as thought I am saying the opposite even though the evidence to the contrary is quite clearly a few posts above. There is nothing left for you to do but end your own life.

[Anonymous No.12502860]

(bonus points if you can surmise who it's referring to)

I returned from exile, and ran to be received
Not restitution, respects paid nor recompense-- O, but!
Blank, broad-boned faces, whose mouths heavily heaved
Reform recited, apprehensively, as right enough

Said reception roused me to
Another émigré who'd fled
With whom I made a rendezvous
And shared uneasy dread

On daybreak I departed, dispersed into the non-persuaded.
Their countenances carried a blameless guilt:
That positive insistence, born and barricaded
By impenetrable barracks which, during the war, they'd built

I met and asked our sullen, stubborn scholar
Into what totality our plight ought to resolve
How here-and-now hauls itself to history's last holler
And through what motion may our moment's misery absolve

He curiously considered and
Receded to his thoughts and theories
Whose bleakness, being borne, began
In a hushed, harrowed, careful cadence:

"No!
This will not come;
Through arithmetic registered by whose silk-diamond pen
Do great evils, you imagine, settle at a sum?
It only remains pertinent that
It never happens again."

[Anonymous No.12502859]

>>12502807
Another person who doesn't fucking know how to read. Strangely this board is full of them.

[Anonymous No.12502886]

>>12502808
This >>12502849 is me, I'm a third party in the argument, and have not been part of the discussion until now, and honestly I have no idea which side you're on. Are you the one arguing that a person does need to understand traditional poetry in order to write new poetry?

[Anonymous No.12502889]

>>12502849
lol that was a completely different guy you just vomited your impotent rage at.
On a more serious note. You are the problem with poetry. You'd throw the whole history of it out the window (and don't even fucking say you wouldn't since your whole argument rests upon its irrelevancy) and have people write literal gibberish. You are making exactly zero points and any time you're backed into a corner you randomly concede to parts of my points (and this other guy's) and fuse them with your argument like you meant them all along. You have no definition for poetry. In your world anything is poetry. Moby Dick is just a really abstract poem. Paradise Lost? Its too held back by its meter. More than 2000 years of poetic tradition? Doesn't matter, they'll git gud through sheer determination despite having absolutely zero clue what they're doing. If you can't play the scales you'll never play a song. You seem to intentionally be missing every single point I've made in favor of vomiting this "anyone can write however they want" bullshit. Go read Keruac. Seriously. Go read Mexico City Blues. That's what you're advocating for. Given your ability to dismiss anything that resembles knowledge I find it ridiculous, and to some degree offensive, that you have the audacity to say poems here are bad without even being able to say why. You have no idea what you're talking about and no amount of words spewed out in retard fashion are going to change that. Poetry can only exist without those because it existed within those first and the modernist and postmodernist periods have ended which means your "rogue" style of poetry is essentially irrelevant. Go get fucked and maybe when your head is bashing against the headboard why your little prostate gets stimulated it'll knock some fucking sense into you.

[Anonymous No.12502893]

>>12502886
Ah fuck I flipped the codes around, the first code listed is me, sorry

[Anonymous No.12502894]

>>12502859
Look! Another one! Make an argument or get the fuck out.

[Anonymous No.12502898]

[Anonymous No.12502907]

>>12502889
Also I'm abandoning this thread to the wasteland you have made it. Just putting this here so you can get the satisfaction of knowing you made the last post.

[Anonymous No.12502908]

>>12502898
Dumb phoneposter

[Anonymous No.12502911]

>>12502907
why dont you rate >>12502860 instead

[Anonymous No.12502928]

>>12502889
This is the first post I made in the thread:
>The trick is to practice at all, not practice something that is of no benefit to you. The point is to realise you're going to write the same thing in the same way over and over again and then try to change it.

My point has remained consistent, even though it has been claimed I said "don't practice".

>You'd throw the whole history of it out the window
Nope. Here's what I said:
>No one's saying ignore all poetry before the 19th century you hysterical retard. Read it, fine. Practicing it will not give you the foundations to move beyond it.

Do you get it? Here, I'll post the same point again but in different words, consistent with my argument from the start:
>To get good at something you practice it. If you want to get good at meter and rhyme write in meter and rhyme. If you want to get good at free verse write in free verse.

Yet another person ITT who can't read. Are you sure you are all different people?

>You seem to intentionally be missing every single point I've made

Are you sure? I've asked for reasoning for why learning the history of it actually matters when writing something that is not its history. You say it's a discussion. Proof? Your idiosyncratic idea of poetry?

>In your world anything is poetry.
Proof? You think I'm arguing something I'm not. Because you can't read.

>your "rogue" style of poetry is essentially irrelevant.

The fuck are you saying? My argument is that practicing meter and rhyme will not make you better at free form poetry. I'm not advocating for any particular style you dumb cunt. This isn't an argument for traditional v modern styles.

[Anonymous No.12502930]

>>12502908
Sorry I don't spend lots of time on desktops/laptops. God sometimes I forget how abnoxiously and deliberately insualar this website is

[Anonymous No.12502934]

>>12502907
$10 says you'll be back ;)

[Anonymous No.12502936]

>>12502930
lol you're underaged
and your love poem is embarrassing

[Anonymous No.12502942]

>>12502936
What makes it embarrassing do you think

[Anonymous No.12502947]

>>12502898
it reads like you picked a woman and wrote a poem about her, not that a woman inspired poetry (which doesn't happen). i don't get a single sense of what makes this woman worthy of a poem or even a unique and remarkable individual because all this poem does is mean something to you, not me.

[Anonymous No.12502960]

>>12502947
Yeah, I mean that's pretty much the case thinking about it now. It was definitely written with her reading it in mind.

[Anonymous No.12502988]

>>12502960
>>12502942
ur an underaged phoneposter, e.g., around sixteen years old maybe, so id just give it to her. people have done leagues more embarrassing things as teenagers.

[Anonymous No.12503066]

>>12499878
Why do these broads have the exact same chin?

[Anonymous No.12503112]

I am a project enthusiastically begun, abandoned,
not laid downward, allowed to totter on,
not broken, not unmade, an automaton,
and the shadow of joy is as fuel to me
as secondary filtrations do contain
some of the taste, although few of the properties,
thus, cast by greater projects
the shadow serves me, in their eminence
are my gears turned, and turned,
so I totter around, in circles,
half made I now myself must make,
but it is unlikely work in the dark,
therefore, joy must not cast a shadow.

[Anonymous No.12503127]

>>12503066
evolutionary convergence among different thot taxa towards an optimal high estrogen signaling face pheno

[Anonymous No.12503134]

>>12502145
GOAT

[Anonymous No.12503167]

>>12499878
тeлки cтpeмныe, или кaк тaм гoвopитcя ugly, is very ugly. very very ugly.
Hocы длинныe, eбaльнички cтpaшныe, нe тo чтo c пивoм нe зaйдyт, тyт и литpa вoдки мaлo бyдeт.

[Anonymous No.12503216]

Dead NEET storage:

Your body left a stain
That can hear the echo of laughter
travel upon the wind.
Below the wind chimes.
Far
from the barks of dogs.
Your body left a stain.

[Anonymous No.12503477]

A rich land with plenty to eat for everyone

but when has that ever been enough,

Oh how beautiful it all was before the curse struck,

We thought we could live here forever, but then descended the devils puck,

Eager to conquer and sober to change, an idea led by deranged

How dare they declared themselves as sovereign,

Took the land which was ours to govern,

Sown crops and folk tales,

Local craft all traded for a chance at a life with plague,

What good is living if not to fight another day,

A bruised body’s chance to make hay,

The details were lost but vengeance was foregone,

We could not cut the cancer when there was time,

All we had was a meek resistance and mild scorn,

This poisonous inheritance a reminder of what we had and what we were

An existence worse than death but simpletons would argue life is always better

Honor is nothing but an hindrance and living is nothing but a defeat of the foe

But the gods smiled and made the choice,

Circumstances heaved the bandage of the wound,

War crashed upon our shores , a force of good in disguise

Still we surmised,

We can’t be gone, hordes couldn’t kill us, we survived

This too shall pass as commanded by the culture we possessed

Non violence is all that is left, that’s our identity and that’s our prose,

Fight for your right and for whats right is for morose

Still the same old, live on and feed the mound.

The tale is sad but worse is reality

The general died , the veils were off and as the heaven is witness along with all the gods

Justice was served, we lost our land but we got ourselves back broke the facade

Woe upon those who still stood still, deep in their slumber

and blessings upon those who stood up,

Stripped to baser instincts those who found themselves, punished the past for its plunder,

Punishment was severe but justified

How much could we take and how much will we suffer in our plight.

Invaders were a blight, eroded our country and demanded rights,

How the promises were made and deals were signed,

Serve this group and stand aside,

Polity was not forgotten when the death danced, for how could we when all we got was slight


A nation is its people and we are finally one,

Paid our debts with finality and will begin our ascension.

[Anonymous No.12503488]

>>12499896
pretentious

[Anonymous No.12503512]

Apocalypse
The first Horseman rode a pure white horse and
Held a bow with which to smite the nations.
Upon his brow was set a kingly crown
He was named Conquest and He summoned War


Next, a rider on a fiery-red horse
He gripped a sword to ruin the nations
A spectre leading the lost and the damned
Soldier’s slaughtered man, woman and swine
While crops withered and died come harvest-time


Then came Famine, long, thin and hard. She perched
On a black horse, a crow, waiting for Death.
A tattered robe of a thousand colours.
A stained bandage obscured her foul left eye.
A rotting diseased hole which fed locusts,
A Dark Justice with her thumb on the scale.


The last Horseman was cloaked in soft shadows.
The blood of the firstborn dripped from his sleeves.
A black angel, the ultimate sanction,
Unsheathed and unsealed for the second time.
He held a great scythe, gleaming crescent moon
He rode a pale horse and his name was Death.

[Anonymous No.12503566]

>>12502536
I agree I think free verse is trash, I told him to fuck off for making poetry seem like some innate talent you either have or don't. Anyone can practice and learn

[Anonymous No.12504155]

it's about cigarettes sort of

[Anonymous No.12504166]

>>12504155
god damn it 12 line should read "couldn't understand"

[Anonymous No.12504171]

[Anonymous No.12504193]

>>12504171
no caps means you are a faggot and nobody will take you seriously Rupi

[Anonymous No.12504204]

>>12504193
>no caps mean you are a faggot
elaborate?

[Anonymous No.12504222]

>>12504204
it's pretentious, give one good reason for using that "style"

[Anonymous No.12504237]

>>12504222
I wanted to simulate the eye movement of looking at a group of faces. Sometimes I find myself staring at something and then realizing it looks like I'm staring at someone, and then I look at other people to make it seem like I wasn't staring at that person. I always feel a pressure not to look at anything too long.

[Anonymous No.12504241]

>>12504237
how does all lower case letters simulate that?

It's not like that style could never work but it's generally dishonest, can you name a single great poem that uses that style?

[Anonymous No.12504259]

>>12504241
I like this poem
https://genius.com/E-e-cummings-she-being-brand-annotated

For some reason I wasn't sure what you were talking about, but now I understand what you're saying. I wanted to create a sense of difference between thoughts that are fully formed (the ones in brackets) and the sort of wandering half formed thoughts you have when you're looking around. In my experience, there seems to be a constant drone in my mind that doesn't have a beginning or end, that's occasionally punctuated by a thought that feels complete.

[Anonymous No.12504388]

I found a bunch of old poems from highschool recently (all bad, of course) and this one stood out as being the only one that didn't force itself to rhyme

There she is, in her coat of crimson
Sitting near the rose garden
Her hair a subtle vermilion like that of cinnabar shards
Her dress a shade too bloody to be pink
Her passion as red as Venus herself
Her lipstick a cherry colored veil guarding
Her tongue stained by a candy
Her gloves concealing the scarlet liquid
Her hands have shed
Her ruby encrusted ring and garnet glass lenses reflect
Her view point of the grey and lifeless passersby

[Anonymous No.12504438]

>>12504388
not too bade m8ee. there are some descriptions of red that are probably cliches by most peoples standards but for a high schooler it's understandable. The ending raises the poems quality as well I think. I wish I would have kept the poetry book our HS creative writing class "published" but now that cringe is lost forever

[Anonymous No.12504448]

somebody destroy this pls. if it's not worth destroying pls point out why. I know I kind of went pseudo hippyish but I'm also wondering if there's anything people would find interesting in it.

[Anonymous No.12504473]

>>12504448
read the first sentance which was missing a capital then stopped

[Anonymous No.12504482]

>>12504473
Tbh that's actually helpful. 'Twas the title. I should have capitalized and emboldened the font

[Anonymous No.12504521]

cellophane looming up for air

[Anonymous No.12504528]

Nightmare

Soft whispering, in my ears, or my head?
I turn and look, see and feel the new fear.
Thick black scars on hands and wrists where it bled.
Doom sighs, shifts and shudders as it draws near,
Reaches for the mask, the face it’s wearing.
A cruel dark creature of towering gore.
Long nails dig under chin and scalp, tearing.
Its grinning visage flops onto the floor.
I’m running and my doom is pursuing.
I don’t want to die, not here, alone.
I hear it laugh, my flight is amusing.
Its talons rend my flesh and piece my bone.
I wake, my fears are once again my thrall.
But to be safe I turn and face the wall.

[Anonymous No.12504590]

>>12504448
the overuse of I is the cancer from a society of individualism

[Anonymous No.12504619]

>>12504590
Its a sign of a pseudoSelf, the Authenticself is rooted in anatta, it slays itself for itself thus becomes itself through pouring out and reception towards World as Will.

[Anonymous No.12504676]

>>12500718
10/10

[Anonymous No.12504691]

I have seen it writ in holy scripture
Specifically Matthew 18.10
That the Lord has placed eternal children to watch over the hearts of men

So when despair is cast upon you
And your to seed upon a storm of doubt
Know that a sailor of the lords armada is close at hand to steer you put

Their adversaries sow seeds of temptation and with callous hands they take out the root
And replace it with a seed which to the enemies vexation
Sees it's fruition in spiritual fruit

Their loyalties are never bartered
as they're not weighed down by the flesh of man their one desire's to see the masters chosen taking their part in the master plan

[Anonymous No.12504698]

>>12504691
Tossed upon a storm
And steer you out

[Anonymous No.12504706]

>>12499896
Was this meant to be ironic? I sincerely cannot tell

[Anonymous No.12504723]

I jerk my meat
that is the creed
a solemn vow
to milk my cow

[Anonymous No.12504729]

>>12504691
One of the few better ones, could be polished to read a bit easier and the second lines direct reference is a little odd but this is the kind of writing and mindfulness I respect

[Anonymous No.12504736]

>his poetry rhymes

[Anonymous No.12504737]

>>12499878
Why do they look like cars with plus 200000 miles?

[Anonymous No.12504749]

>>12504736
t. freeform hack who writes about his depressing boring life in a fragmented and seemingly nonsensicial style and thinks it's deep

[Anonymous No.12504790]

>>12499878
Jewish trannies?

[Anonymous No.12504814]

[Anonymous No.12504836]

>>12504814
I don't get it

[Anonymous No.12504854]

>>12504836
Bloke is having a bit of identity crisis innit

[Anonymous No.12504864]

>>12504836
Good, you don’t need any meds then. Unlike the author. The last two lines reveal either extreme youth or mental illness/magical thinking

[Anonymous No.12504904]

>>12504864
>extreme youth or mental illness
Perfect

[Anonymous No.12504920]

>>12504864
extremely young people don't really have a compartmental self
they're just one robust block of solipsism

[Anonymous No.12504924]

I have a pretty asshole
a rosebud in my bum
it’s puckered like a lemon drop
but purple as a plum

[Anonymous No.12504933]

What makes a poem good or bad?

I'm quite literally unable to differentiate between Eliot and my 13 year old niece's musings

[Anonymous No.12504934]

>>12502292
>muh meter
>muh rhymes

lol ok grandpa

[Anonymous No.12504945]

>>12504924
I love it

[Anonymous No.12505077]

>>12504933
you are so close to realising it..

[Anonymous No.12505401]

Posted it in a previous thread but would like some feedback:

The foetus
Sprouted into a human
Like a seed into a tree

[Anonymous No.12505508]

>>12504924
I think "but" in line four is anti-metrical, but otherwise good poem, gave me a chuckle

[Anonymous No.12506347]

Why does she look at me with blasted eyes please stop
I'm trying to tame the lamplight
It won't make the shapes I want it to

[Anonymous No.12506379]

>>12506347
reads like a Jamba Juice smoothie thrown at a wall. nonsensical, disordered, and fruity. the imagery is very nice but it’s too aimless to make sense, and the first bit is especially weak

[Anonymous No.12506444]

>>12500731
Update:
No surprise, no epiphanies
All that was will cease to be
As the sun climbs through the tress
Brings the dawn cacophony
Soon the earth begins to breathe
From deep and dark come sweet reprieve

[Anonymous No.12506507]

we are careful collections

assemblages of the mindless cosmic magpie

our composition borrowed from her nest,

allowed an exiguous flight,

and returned before sundown

to be rearranged for tomorrow
found this cliché little fucker in a journal from high school, just an additional warning

[Anonymous No.12506595]

The Stoner Realm (16/01/19)

The first drag left his mind unscathed;
the second joint he puffed with help;
the third and fourth were happy days;
the tenth was best - he rolled himself.

The haze heaved soft in subtle tides,
which numbed his mind and drowned his wits.
He left himself for half-baked highs;
that vivid realm - those vacant pits.

Gone the boy who once believed
that peace meant more than rolled-up dope.
Dead the man he could have been,
his weed was cheap - he paid in hope.

[Anonymous No.12506615]

>>12506595
this is horrifically bad. are you 19?

[Anonymous No.12506675]

>>12506615
No, I’m only 14. I wrote it last year when I started getting into drugs. Might rewrite some cringy parts

[Anonymous No.12506685]

>>12504920
5 and older have subject object differentiation. Or theory of mind for anglobongs

[Anonymous No.12506881]

>>12506444
You can't lead to a cacophony and then back away from it. You've gone from quiet/sorrow to loud/hope. "Begins to breathe" and "sweet reprieve" are way too gentle to work after "cacophony."

[Anonymous No.12507193]

>>12499878
I see a young boy in the looking glass door
He smiles softly, I see him no more

[Anonymous No.12507225]

>>12506615
>implying everything posted here is t trash
Sorry buddy

[Anonymous No.12507254]

>>12506881
Was thinking of dividing there and having it be the second chorus, just need to have it build up again now

[Anonymous No.12507430]

>>12506444
Checked, and I still think it’s good and like your two new lines.

[Anonymous No.12507472]

Niggas pulling teeth like they crayons
Spilling out the box, the wax smears the white walls
How's a nigga s'posed to eat his victuals
Like God intended, if they find the pile of melted down rainbow
Swept underneath the carpet, it ain't gon be me
Who gets that ass whoopin, no sirree

[Anonymous No.12507531]

>>12506595
I'll always appreciate a poem with an actual structure over half-baked free-verse shit

[Anonymous No.12507868]

>>12499878
spectacles of silvery sound ring off the staves
saying, as they fall, within rising platitudes
and the dust of golden cymbals:

the ancient bell-sound comes from the heart within and the heart without;
raising concepts and an encompassing epistemology;
all is degenerate, all from disintegrating clauses, all overtop the sign and doubt
does existence fling itself existent, and, especially, onto me...

I give to you the song of songs,
that motion does not disturb, but engenders a deeper void
which is given, as cosmology is, through a song -
which is given, as silence is,

as all things that are not are entrenched in the privation of -
as he sends upon his void his flock of mighty doves -
to kill everything that is and ever was -
to raise a void and destroy it in the attenuation of an ultimate love

I give you the song of songs, that the philosophers do not know

[Anonymous No.12507956]

The janny is a tranny, I'mma fuck him in the fanny
Fuck the mod, he can suck my fat knob
Eat my whole asshole, with a side serving of nuts
If I see a mod I'mma stab him in the guts
Pull out the entrails, wrap it round his neck
Hear his pained gurgles as I flex, flex
With the serrated knife I'll relieve him of his life
Cut through bone and sinew, fills me with delight
To decapitate a mod, quarter and hang
Tell him that he's not welcome in my land
Peace

[Anonymous No.12508299]

>>12502860
Too much alliteration

[Anonymous No.12508410]

any spanish speaking fags who would like to read my poetry?

[Anonymous No.12508504]

For me, it's the McChicken. The best fast food sandwich. I even ask for extra McChicken sauce packets and the staff is so friendly and more than willing to oblige.

One time I asked for McChicken sauce packets and they gave me three. I said, "Wow, three for free!" and the nice friendly McDonald's worker laughed and said, "I'm going to call you 3-for-free!".

Now the staff greets me with "hey it's 3-for-free!" and ALWAYS give me three packets. It's such a fun and cool atmosphere at my local McDonald's restaurant, I go there at least 3 times a week for lunch and a large iced coffee with milk instead of cream, 1-2 times for breakfast on the weekend, and maybe once for dinner when I'm in a rush but want a great meal that is affordable, fast, and can match my daily nutritional needs.

I even dip my fries in McChicken sauce, it's delicious! What a great restaurant.

[Anonymous No.12508533]

>>12507430
Thank you, link post and I will give feedback.

[Anonymous No.12508672]

>>12508533
I'm the smith chart poster

[Anonymous No.12508762]

>>12507472
you will get fucked on for saying nigga if you ever present this to anyone irl unless you actually are black.

Interesting wording, fourth line is a little awkward because of it's length. also I'm not sure what it's all about but I like the aesthetic. I think if you want to keep "victuals" in the poem maybe try to use another less common word, it sticks out a bit. (maybe thats to do with how you want people to read it idk?)

[Anonymous No.12509350]

>>12507868
rewrote this lol which version is better:

silver spectacles of sound ring off the staves
suggesting, as they fall, within rising platitudes
and dusty golden cymbals:

this ancient bell-sound comes from the the heart within and the heart without;
raising concepts, an encompassing epistemology;
that all is degenerate, all disintegrating clauses, over sign and doubt
does existence pour itself, and, especially, over you...

I give to you the song of songs,
that motion does not disturb, but engenders its deeper void
which is given, as cosmology is, through a song -
which is given, as silence is

as all things that are not, are entrenched in the privation of -
as the dove who sends and is sent -
to kill everything that is and ever was -
to raise a void and destroy it all -
in the attenuation of an ultimate love

I give to you the song of songs, that the philosophers do not know

[Anonymous No.12509351]

>>12509350
a basic concept that is not fully elucidated in the poem

[Anonymous No.12509357]

>>12509351
whats the concept

[Anonymous No.12509368]

>>12509350
pretentious

[Anonymous No.12509370]

>>12509357
being a pseud

[Anonymous No.12509404]

>>12509350
unironically the worst poem I've ever read

[Anonymous No.12510721]

We float together
You're holding me tight
Soft sun unveils the gleam of your green eyes
In rays your brown hair glitters
when your face holds mine

"It's a shame we never made it"

Indeed

Lips bond with the power of years
which went by just as this kiss

Too fast

I lay alone.
Clouds hung on the grey sky.
In the cold morning.
The only time I kissed you.

[Anonymous No.12510827]

>Since I’ve dwelled with you in chambers lofty,
>That, in your absence, I have trodden softly,
>Harboured in my heart, I have, a love that grows forlorn.

>Of face, of eyes, of shape and form,
>Of lack of all, my love was born.

>To feel the flame, but see no light,
>To feed the Soul with touch, not sight.

>In blindness are we born, and in darkness find the truth:

>To be, upon your lips, the heat which brightly burns,
>The fragrance that, in absence, the heart for yearns,

>Is to realise that ethereal notion, tenderly arisen:
>That the eyes have sight, yet the soul has vision.

Would appreciate some feedback lads.

[Anonymous No.12511054]

>>12510827
This isn't bad, the first stanza I like a lot. I think you write well enough to try and drop some repetition and filler words
>face, eyes, shape and form
>from lack of all, my love was born
>feeling the flame, seeing no light
>my soul was fed with touch, not sight

[Anonymous No.12511068]

>>12510827
I think it' great, very enjoyable.

[Anonymous No.12511134]

>>12510721
boring

>>12510827
decent but dishonest

[Anonymous No.12511218]

>>12509350
awful

[Anonymous No.12511385]

>>12511054
An interesting idea, I like it.
>>12511068
Thank you anon!
>>12511134
What do you mean by dishonest?

[Anonymous No.12511499]

>>12511385
>What do you mean by dishonest?

Doesn't seem genuine, feels artifical and manufactured. Now it might not be but even if it is genuine it feels artificial which is a bad thing. If others feel this way you have a problem, it might just be me

[Anonymous No.12511501]

The apprehensive earth’s stiff
skin here wrinkles. Pointed peaks
fracture the horizon’s fragile frame.
Crooked canines made of minerals.

Midnight swims between the
gap teeth of an airy snow,
forever floating into silky streams
laced into the atmosphere.

On the summit is one found
digesting the force-fed hoarfrost
of black-ice nocturnes
alone.

A dull and distant din,
tiny trickles of light,
high skies breathe young air
slowly over stones.

The hand of the moon sits
softly on his shoulder;
reflected radiance and sacred
solace.

Tar pools into the creases,
pitch spit up from shadows
oozes pathetically through the pines
who exhale a heavy darkness

Where sierras sigh
viscid grief droops into beads
of molasses. Awash
in a bath of moonbeams.

[Anonymous No.12511507]

>>12509350
totally mediocre

[Anonymous No.12511530]

>>12511499
Interesting, could you go into depth on what you mean by it sounding ‘artificial’? Not saying you’re wrong, I’d just like to know so I can improve.

[Anonymous No.12511570]

>>12511134
>boring
Is it also shit? I'm asking unironically. I haven't written a poem in 8 years and this one is based on a true story. It's also translated from my language.

[Anonymous No.12511617]

>>12511570
It's fairly shit I would say no offence, it might be because it's translated but random shit like "indeed" doesn't really resonate, love poems in general are not great though I will say because of how the author has a very unique view on the person they are in love with, that the audience does not.

like "she has green eyes and brown hair" so what?, I'd argue that's not even needed, we don't need to know what color her eyes and hair are we need to know how you feel about her


>>12511530
not really, what's her "fragrence", unless she wears perfume it's more of a scent, and if she does it isn't really her fragrence which it sounds like it is, feels like you are trying to go through the 5 senses

[Anonymous No.12511635]

Taking Wing

The Earth is dear to me,
the Sky yet dearer.
How my hollow bones bob up,
how cold and clean the heavens are.
How the Earth flies at me when I dive,
screaming,
and when I climb
how swiftly it spins away.

[Anonymous No.12511639]

>>12511501
The parts of this that are good are really good, starts off strong but you lose some momentum on "atmosphere". The middle 3 stanzas are weaker but the last two help to bring it back. I like the third stanza but I could see people not digging it, ymmv.
>tiny trickles of light,
>high skies breath young air
That transition stuck out as a little awkward, and your image for the 5th paragraph isn't complex enough to compliment the rest of your writing, I'd probably get rid of it honestly. I really like that first stanza though good stuff

[Anonymous No.12511643]

>>12511617
Thanks, you make some very good points. I don't think it's bad only because it's translated but it definitely makes it even worse.
I appreciate it a lot, keep up the honest grading!

[Anonymous No.12511650]

>>12511643
I'm not that guy but good on you for writing poetry, translating it, sharing it, getting tough feedback, and taking it like a champ. All the best

[Anonymous No.12511665]

>>12511617
It’s loosely alluding to the myth of Psyche and Eros, where Psyche can smell and feel Eros, but never sees him. The poem is split into two parts, the first being Psyche lamenting that she can only smell and feels Eros, but never see him. The second is supposed to be Eros’ comfort: that true love is something felt by the heart, that doesn’t need to be informed directly by the senses.

[Anonymous No.12511711]

>>12511639
ty for the input anon! will rewrite with this in mind

[Anonymous No.12512168]

[Brickedwall broken with a window’s appearance, a noise of varying plant-growth behind the dusted transparence . . . sunken sink running tap for the attired handwashing gallant. Hinting the almost criminal intimation of the nearby door, a flimsy entrance & to be entertained commonly & with spirited abbreviated & sly whoops. In the suggested periphery feline garage skulkers curving from the rustle of a mate’s odyssey to the stocked back-fridge, stocked sugar cane pop; local brews. A haunt of gifted tree-life not far from. What do you do with them? Everything you can.]

[Anonymous No.12512442]

perfume smells better
when sprayed in the cleavage

the heat seems to strengthen
the notes, and projection
seems better too

[Anonymous No.12512508]

>>12512442
I laughed. Great one anon.

[Anonymous No.12512527]

lovebirds of prey

tumble tangled to earth

through shards of viscous moonlight

one will recover his altitude

one will shatter on the forest floor

[Anonymous No.12512566]

Draped in druggy silk gowns
So she was

Silk takes lots of dead
Bugs, or not dead, but
Certainly enslaved

It's almost never enough to make
an entire dress unless

you systematize your terror
synthesize suffering

all for, what, something soft?
seems cruel


>>12512442
good poem, clever and very clean. would put in a zine/10
>>12512527
for me, this is a bit too vague or, more specifically, loose. however, i really like the simplicity of it, and you did a good job capturing the sentiment poetically, stylistically and without pretension.

[Anonymous No.12512699]

>>12502703
>The last line threw me off. Maybe because I can't think of any smooth Spanish surname.
Makes sense. I wrote the poem for a girl that wanted me to write a poem for her and then rewrote the last line because it had her name in it. Her surname is Italian, but that doesn't scan.

[Anonymous No.12512748]

>>12502774
Probably the worst in thread

[Anonymous No.12512941]

>>12499878
Loving Tiamat:

As I let her go, her body became long, serpentine
And without it, my hands became bestial, coarse

In the land well travelled, now here be dragons
The hands once held, now hands no longer

She slithers on her belly unblinking
Her mouth dripping venom
And her soft scales glimmer
Dragging my knuckles, I rampage
My jaw unhinged as I bellow flames
My arms - embodied wrath

My rage is bitter, my hate - melancholic
In her spite - vengeance, her fear - violence

We circle each other in the underbrush
We prowl, trying to find one another,
Before the other one does

[Anonymous No.12512958]

>>12512748
I find that hard to believe.

[Anonymous No.12512971]

>>12512958
Honestly, it sounds like a poem I’d have written when I was 8. You even did the repeating last line, for fuck sake.

[Anonymous No.12512975]

>>12512971
Apparently 8 year old you knew more than 16 year old you does now.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle_(character)

[Anonymous No.12512976]

Fuck a 16, I go 24 like my chrome,
But these are steel bars stripped from the ether with the dome,
I’m prone to go ape when I spit the flow,
Motherfucker camo bape, come equipped like a pro,
Break your neck like stone cold, text your bitch cold shit like frozone,
You’re wearing chinos but still can admit this is a def tone
Back to the crib for some homegrown,
Fronting wearing tennis chains but only serving ‘caine,
I rarely drive I’m main point
Reach for the shotgun when you see me switch lanes,
I stay on guard for if you dare
In this game all is fair, I do the same,
Always player one now I’m playing single player
All I did was aim, saw you scared and tame, made you scarred and lame
My ergonomic trigger blow’s like your laying bitch or my bigger cheques
Bars gold like embarrassing riches, you’ve got embarassing bitches,
Pack more than enough punchlines to give your whole crew stitches
Got backup on my own but still turn up with a crew and the clan in the front too,
Never spark an L always three bun a few zoots, at a time,
Securing Ws, bags and some brews, cos the world owes me mine
Broads want the D, give em two fingers each,
Unless she’s fine enough to give a dime,
Scoring as I match the beat to the rhymes, Sweet honey drip, come with magical lips,
This is how I kick it when I flip

[Anonymous No.12512981]

>>12512975
What the FUCK are you talking about

[Anonymous No.12513024]

>>12512981
The whole point of a villanelle is to repeat the last line but it was pretty bad. Not them btw.

[Anonymous No.12513091]

>>12512981
You don't know what you're talking about.
>>12513024
Do a better one

[Anonymous No.12513113]

>>12513091
You posted a link to a tv character

[Anonymous No.12513175]

>>12513113
Well that was a pretty big fuck up. My point still stands.

[Anonymous No.12513311]

Incontinence
The barrier crumbles
Comes gushing forth like the flood
That primeval surge
Dripping down my leg in sing-song cadence
Melody of soiled breeches
Wet, disgusting trousers
Sloshing with every step
A thousand stares that peer into my error
My incontinence
I leave puddles in my wake
A trail of tears awash with urine and foul odor
Repugnant enough to peel one's eyes from their thousand stares
Hands clamoring for release, a sign or symbol
From my professor to excuse me
Release me
Lips on the verge of forming that all-encompassing question
Deprived of my liberty to wash myself of this filth
I am met with a monstrous fate:
"I knowest not, canst thou?"

[Anonymous No.12514037]

I wrote this bored out of my mind in discrete math

There once was a lonely sparrow
whose beak was a little narrow
many jokes were cracked
about how he quacked
but it's perfect for eating marrow

and one I wrote to remember the definition of a limit

given an epsilon positive
there exists a delta causative
a point in the domain
to be just a grain
from the limit point expositive

you have to fill in: |f(x)-f(c)| < epsilon
but at least I have the definition down!

[Anonymous No.12514062]

>>12514037
I like the first one. The second one just makes me think that I'd read a book of poems that just explained math concepts.

[Anonymous No.12514138]

>>12514062
Not a math concept, but there's a pleasing arithmetical limerick:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

[Anonymous No.12514171]

>>12514138

That was actually my inspiration for the poem, just trying to one up Leigh Mercer with my advanced mathematics.

[Anonymous No.12514228]

>>12514171
Nice. I wrote the engineering poem earlier in the thread so I think I can relate to you. It's quite pleasing to condense various technical contents into a short, pithy form.

[Anonymous No.12514326]

>>12514228
the graph poem? that's a great poem; it's very fun to read. I just like smashing things that don't normally belong together; math and poetry seems like a no brainer because no one I talk to about math cares about poetry and everyone I talk to poetry about doesn't get math. I havn't really done much explaining poems, but I like to make references. Sometimes I make poems about people and treat them like puzzles where the listener has to figure out who its about.

Dispite all that he taught
he claimed that he knew not
he never did shy
from asking why
but in the end he got hemlock

(that's probably pretty easy as I just came up with it)

[Anonymous No.12515423]

>>12508504
3/10 tits
didnt read poem