/lit/ - Literature

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242893]

Hello /lit/. I wrote a rather graphic short story and was hoping I could get some constructive criticism here from some of you. Emphasis is on constructive. Picture unrelated.

Part 1
I eat shit. Or rather, I consume shit. There’s a difference between eating and consuming, you know. Eating is simply the act of putting something in your mouth and eventually swallowing. You don’t even have to chew. Consuming, on the other hand, is relishing. It’s sex. It’s masturbation. It’s savoring, watching, planning, choking happily, intubation, flying, falling, inside, outside, everything you feel before and after. I consume shit. Would you like me to explain? Of course you would like me to explain, you shit-faced grinner. Grin-faced shitter. Shit eating grin. I’m a freak. That’s why you want me to explain. You just love looking at us freaks. Hearing about us freaks. What you don’t want to hear is that I’m you, and I’m your friends, and I’m your whore of a mother. I digress.
I started eating shit when I was eleven. I came home from school and there was a beautiful, glorious shit in the toilet. You grimace. Want me to make it as pretty for you as it was for me? Of course you do, of course you do. I walked into the bathroom because I had to piss. There, in the white porcelain bowl laid the most fattest, most delicious looking shit I had ever seen. It was a grayish brown, floating towards the right side of the bowl. Good sized. The kind of shit you really take an animal pleasure in squeezing out. Don’t deny it, you know you do.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242896]

Part 2

I knelt on my knees reverently, as if I were in the presence of God. My God. I quickly reached my hand in and grabbed the glorious thing, careful not to squeeze it out of it’s shape. I wrapped my lips around it, taking in the delicate aroma that human excrement so gracefully doles out. I bit down. It was surprisingly soft, like a mushy banana. It tasted exactly how you would expect shit to taste. I chewed once and swallowed. I consumed all of it. I sucked my fingertips for every last bit of the glorious shit. I was made holy.

I slowly walked out of the sanctuary where I had found my holy messiah. I laid in my bed and glowed. Everything but I was dark. I could see the stars through my roof, and I named every star in the holy tongue of my God. I glowed as the stars glow. I was enlightened. I became God.

For the next ten years of my life I went through life as if in a trance. Everything was a play-act. I knew I was God. Occasionally I would look at the stars and remember the names I had given to amuse myself. Even Gods get bored. Why do you think we created humans? Well, it wasn’t because we “love” you, I’ll tell you that much. Haha.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242901]

Part 3 - Last part
After ten years I got bored. It was time to retreat to heaven. I lifted the sewer lid with ease, and replaced it once I was underneath the ground. I could smell my beloved below me. I could hear the rushing of the holy waters fly past me. I took off all of my clothing and shaved all of my hair. Earthly belongings I would no longer need. I jumped in. Back into my womb. Back into where I belong. I drank in the shit and the piss and the period blood and the odd things that somehow end up in my domain. I was whole again.

Sometimes as you pass by in your cars and on your sidewalks I watch you pass by. I suck at my fingertips and watch you. I look up your women’s skirts. I sometimes hiss at your men. But what I like to do most of all is eat your children. Ever seen the milk carton’s with the missing children’s faces on the sides? That’s me. I crawl across the streets of your neighborhood, looking through houses for the sweet ones. I take them while they sleep and slip quietly back into my home. I watch them cry as I feed them shit. It’s necessary. They have to be purified. Don’t you understand? They have to be purified. And after they’re purified, I eat them. My teeth and nails dig softly into their skin at first, and then hard. They cry. Oh, how they howl. Their sweet bellies are filled with shit. Their delicious intestines are filled with shit. I need their living, sweet, shit. Don’t you understand? I need their living, sweet, shit.

Don’t forget. I’m you.

[Anonymous No.1242910]

I don't know much, but what I do now is that starting a story off by explicating the difference between eating and consuming is the best way to get me to stop reading. Thrilling.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242923]

>>1242910
It's not an action story. It is not written as an action story. I did not ever intend for this to be an action story. If stories that don't begin with action bore you, okay. That's fine. However, if my intro is actually impeding any of the story from getting the point across that I am attempting to get across, I am all ears.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242943]

Bump 1 of 3.

[Anonymous No.1242964]

>Haha.
This is prose, not a fucking text conversation, faggot.

>Everything but I was dark.
Pretty sure that should be "me".

>The whole story
This shit is fucking retarded. Just stop.

[Anonymous No.1242978]

Poorly written. Could have been way better, considering how much potential the subject matter has. You gave this maybe five hundred words, when it could have used five thousand.

Lame.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242982]

>>1242964
Awesome constructive criticism, sunshine! Really, A plus. I'm sure you've written tons of books about improving your writing with that kind of language, haven't you?

Seriously, though. I wrote it as if he/she were telling his/her story to someone. Please explain why the "haha" is out of place here. I will gladly change it as soon as you give me an actual reason.

[Anonymous No.1242984]

Heres something I wrote in a class today while I was bored in shit. Hasn't been edited, looked over or anything. I was just bored and curious as to what people thing of it. Three paragraphs, as I didn't really finish it.

Sometimes I really wish the whole thing had never happened. Actually, that’s a lie. I wish it had never happened ALL the time. I guess if I’m going to tell you about this, I need to be truthful. My psychiatrist tells me I tend to embellish the truth a lot. Defence mechanism, protecting myself, that sort of bullshit. I know I’m doing it, but I don’t really put any effort into stopping it. Truth be told, it is a defence mechanism, because hell, if you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you would develop a few ways of filtering the truth yourself. I still have nightmares about it all.... usually every night. I can’t count the number of times I’ve woken up sheathed in a cold sweat, whimpering and groaning. I don’t scream. I can’t really. I screamed enough when it happened.

[Anonymous No.1242985]

Part 2

I could say it all started with a new world war, or some sort of high tech terrorist attack. It would really seem cooler that way. Maybe I could make myself into the swashbuckling hero I never was. I could swing in on a rather oddly placed (but totally convenient) chandelier, do a flip in the air as I jump and pull out a shotgun and sword as I kill all the bad guys and get the damsel in distress. I could be a real god damn hero, but no. I promised you the truth, and that’s what you’re gonna get. No guarantees if you’re going to like it though. I don’t expect any sympathy from you, nor grief, or pretty much anything. Save it for the people who deserve it. Lords knows I don’t.

[Anonymous No.1242990]

Part 3

Alright, I’m gonna lay out what I remember about it all. Don’t call bullshit on me, I’m going to tell you only what I remember. Those times weren’t exactly easy, so excuse me if the stories a bit jolted. From what I remember, it all started in 2012. Now, before you jump to conclusions, do NOT start with that Aztec calendar doomsday bullshit. I’m not exactly the biggest fan of the whole ‘destiny’ concept. It’s a scary thought to me, and that’s saying something. I don’t like the idea of everything I’ve done and everything I will do being predetermined. Though, I could accept it on the terms that I could hold myself less responsible for some of my actions. I like that idea, could probably get rid of some of my nightmares. Beside, this all started in August anyway, so no December 21 2012 shit here.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242989]

>>1242978
How about you give me some good advice on how to write it better, as I explicitly asked? I don't see how telling me my preference for writing a short story over a novel is constructive at all.

[Anonymous No.1242988]

1st / 2nd person, whatever the fuck it is - the narration sounds like a conversation rather then well, a narration.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1242995]

>>1242988
Would it be less confusing if I added something in to make it an actual conversation? Or would it better keep the integrity of the story if I wrote it as a narration instead?

[Anonymous No.1242999]

>>1242995
The whole thing feels rather shallow.
I think making the writing style not so chopped up would help it immensely, or at least make it a little bit more bearable.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243004]

>>1242999
How would I go about deepening it? More description about his/her life? What about my style makes it so shallow?

[Anonymous No.1243008]

The conversational tone of the narration makes it sound ameteurish and shallow, it's also annoying. Irvine Welsh and Mario Vargas Llosa sometimes have that type of narration but they make it work. Read them.

[Anonymous No.1243011]

>>1243004
The whole 'God' thing.
It's fucking corny.
It really reads like some cut-out Palahniuk, especially the way the narrator keeps focusing on the reader.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243013]

>>1243008
Will do. Anything else you can think of?

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243017]

>>1243011
The whole God aspect is one of the largest concepts in the story, I'm not going to cut it out. What do you think makes it corny?

[Anonymous No.1243020]

You need to work things out a bit slower. At the moment it's too brief; it escalates so fast that rather than disgusting it comes across as comical and trite.

Also I'd be careful about commenting directly on your readers' reactions. If it's done poorly (as it was here) it just makes you look retarded: the reader goes "what the hell no I'm not like that all" and so your story dies.

>>1243017
It doesn't sound realistic, at least how you've written it so far.

[Anonymous No.1243023]

>>1243017
The God concept should be better executed. It's brought up too much, it's not much of a theme than it is something forced in your face. If you want more impact from it you should be it subtle. Along with what >>1242978 said, you should probably spread this story out more so these concepts have room to breathe and not be so crammed together.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243030]

>>1243023
>>1243020
Thank you both.

So, what I've gained from this thread so far:
-Spread it out, add in more content.
-Be more subtle with the God idea.
-Less addressing the reader, if at all.

Anything else?

[Anonymous No.1243040]

>>1242982
Oh, God. You are the worst fucking kind of writer. The kind who comes to a fucking internet board with a shitty story that is basically a shitty exploitation movie plus some fetish fan-fiction, and expect an honest critique. Well, nobody is going to let you down easily and gently here. Your friends, family, and people on any message board with a face will be polite about it. But you need the truth. Considering this is a board consisting of a bunch of neckbeards that read enough literature to fucking discuss it, I think our critique is pretty damn reliable. It's just lacking the false praise.
>I consume shit. Would you like me to explain? Of course you would like me to explain, you shit-faced grinner.
This line in particular does NOT FUCKING WORK. I'm not grinning. I'm raising an eyebrow, wondering who wrote this piece of shit. And following it with:
>Grin-faced shitter. Shit eating grin. I’m a freak. That’s why you want me to explain.
REALLY DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. Grin-faced shitter is one of the stupidest, most inhumane lines I've ever read. Your use of fragments is ridiculous and adds nothing to the "dialogue"-like feel you're going for. In fact, all the pauses bore me even more, and considering the fact that you're writing about eating shit, bored is the last fucking thing I should be. And finally, this little part really shits a fucking bus.
>That’s why you want me to explain.
Saying this is like trying to put thoughts into the readers head. It's often an effective technique when used right and not so bluntly and randomly. Here, I really don't give a shit about your shit fetish and thus it feels like you're trying to change my mind by demanding it rather than convincing me over time with worthy prose.
(1/2)

[Anonymous No.1243044]

>>1243040
I just found severe flaws with your little "graphic short story" in the first fucking paragraph. If the first paragraph is horrendous, why would anybody every continue? I mean, do you even know the purpose of a short story? To fucking entertain, especially if you're calling it a "graphic short story." How about you introduce some conflict, concrete characters, setting, or fucking anything but a diary entry. Nobody will ever want to read this.
(2/2)

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243059]

>>1243044
All right, so we've established I need to stop talking to the reader. Check. As for adding in conflict, concrete characters, or setting... I'd really rather shy away from conflict or concrete characters. Setting I can definitely attempt. Anything else?

[Anonymous No.1243062]

>>1243059
No, you don't need to stop doing it. You just need to learn to do it right. It really is an effective technique. I must apologize for the shitstorm I wrote, but it really rustles my jimmies when people bring their writing here, ask for critique, get an honest one, and flip the fuck out with the sarcasm.

[Anonymous No.1243073]

Your story sure is a piece of SHIT, op. BA-DUM CH


No but really, that was pretty awful.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243076]

>>1243062
My use of sarcasm was mainly to illicit an actual detailed critique, if a harsh one, so be it. Sorry if I came across as a smartass. I just want lots of advice. And hey, it worked!

Who should I read to get an idea of how talking to the reader effectively works?

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243087]

>>1243073
Awesome fucking reply, asshole. I really gained a lot of insight with that. How about you tell me how I could write it better instead of wasting my time with such a useless reply? Because honestly, if this were a thread where useless replies were welcomed, I would have specified it in my first post, instead of saying I'd like some actual advice.

[Anonymous No.1243109]

>>1243087
Trust me, the most constructive reply I can give is to scrap the whole story. But you're probably going to bitch about that, too.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243116]

>>1243109
You're right. I will bitch about it. Because honestly, all you're doing is wasting both of our time if all you're going to do is tell me that the story is a piece of shit and that I can't possibly turn it into something even remotely good.

[Anonymous No.1243114]

if you cannot offer constructive criticism and help a writer out by giving them tips how about just ignoring the thread. Why go out of your way to be cruel?

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243140]

Bump 2 of 3.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243151]

Bump 3 of 3.

[Anonymous No.1243154]

This is just god awful. It's meaningless and disgusting, nothing but shock value.

And to be honest, I find it a little hard to believe you weren't expecting replies like this.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243169]

>>1243154
Oh, I was expecting replies like this. Plenty of useless, mean people will stop by this thread and write a one sentence reply something along the lines of "wow you suck". It's easy to do, and just as equally easy to ignore. My purpose in replying to them is to see if there's even a little piece of their blackened, shriveled hearts left that will take the time to tell me how I could do better. Of course, not many (if any at all) will give me the time of day, but some (as demonstrated by the actual critique here) get pissed off enough and do so.

[Anonymous No.1243184]

It could have used more 10 gallon hats.

[Writer !!5mZtWzcat3s No.1243207]

Actual bump 3 of 3.

[Anonymous No.1243346]

This thread is proof that /lit/ needs a sticky that states:

This is a thread for literature. If you post your work, we don't have to like it. We don't have to critique it. Hell, we don't even have to read it. The fact that we have read your work is a favor we are doing, for you.

DO NOT passive-aggressively troll the comments raging that people don't like your work. Let it go. And stop complaining.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, OP, the reason why we are all laughing at you is because this stuff is childish and sophomoric. You're no Joyce.

[Anonymous No.1243368]

>>1243169
There is no depth, purpose, or even quality writing.

It's trying to disgust without highlighting or mocking an idea or concept, and not even disgusting well.

On top of the general pointlessness, it's just two very very very short and uninteresting scenes interspersed with ranting about nothing. Your talking about the stars; what purpose does it serve? I can't derive any relation of it to the other sections other than the 'holy' tangent, which could have been exemplified much better in an event that was at least interesting. You can't have throw-away sections in short works.

[Anonymous No.1243415]

>>1243011
I agree, it does have a Palahnuik feel to it.

To Shit-boy, I wasn't totally underwhelmed at first but once you went into the sewers you totally lost me. You went too far too fast.

This really isn't more disgusting than parts of "Haunted". That book was FUCKED UP. I felt like I needed a shower after that one. Come to think of it, who decided that Palahnuik was a good writer, anyway? He depends as much on gross out shock-writing as much as this guy.

Shit-boy, keep your head up. Or don't. Coprophilia is not something most people want to read about; food for thought.

[Anonymous No.1243471]

I eat Hot Pockets. Or rather, I consume Hot Pockets. There’s a difference between eating and consuming, you know. Eating is simply the act of putting something in your mouth and eventually swallowing. You don’t even have to chew. Consuming, on the other hand, is relishing. It’s sex. It’s masturbation. It’s savoring, watching, planning, choking happily, intubation, flying, falling, inside, outside, everything you feel before and after. I consume Hot Pockets. Would you like me to explain? Of course you would like me to explain, you psychotic microwave. Micronic psychlowave. Hot Topics. I’m a freak. That’s why you want me to explain. You just love looking at us freaks. Hearing about us freaks. What you don’t want to hear is that I’m you, and I’m your friends, and I’m your whore of a mother. I digress.
I started eating Hot Pockets when I was eleven. I came home from school and there was a beautiful, glorious Hot Pocket (four cheeze pizza flavor) waiting for me in the freezer, in clear plastic wrapping, sitting on its flattened Crisping Sleeve(tm). You grimace. Want me to make it as pretty for you as it was for me? Of course you do, of course you do. I walked into the kitchen because I had to take a shit in the freezer. There, below the ice-maker, laid the most fattest, most delicious looking Hot Pocket I had ever seen. It was cryogenically frozen, taupe in hue, and waiting for the microwave. Good sized. The kind of tasty snack you really take an animal pleasure in nuking. Don’t deny it, you know you do.