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/lit/ - Literature

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12201076 No.12201076 [Reply] [Original]

Working on a fantasy novel and need some hard core 4 chan this is garbage feed back, I guess if I can make this somewhat palatable to you guys I might be on to something.

Heres chapter one, I have a 56k word draft and I'm trying to really polish it. I'm working on this first chapter over and over again until I get it right, after all the first chapter is one of the most important right?

I posted this earlier and was called out for simple mistakes, so I ran it though grammerly and gave it two more once-overs. I think I got most of the little problems solved. Looking for input about style, world building, and over all "I want to find out what happens next" feelings

https://pastebin.com/26Ay78bM

>> No.12201226

'Show don't tell' is the most cliched, Writing 101 advice there is, but I think your opening demonstrates why.

>> No.12201337

I liked it very much, anon, keep on writing, it's pretty good already, very interesting premise!!!!

>> No.12201338

>>12201076
>56k words
Nano?

>> No.12202110

>>12201076
>"Some people would kill for a life thids easy..."
Stopped reading right there.
>"Some people"
Qualify who your referring to or stop wasting my time.

>> No.12202123

try to be as specific as possible while being nice to the reader.

Instead of "made" use "earned" for the part about the gems

>> No.12202132

OP perhaps consider changing/ adding content to validate the imaginary world a bit? Ie: explanation on currency, rarity of constituent 'gems', roughly establishing geography and political system, and perhaps level of fantasy to be expected by the reader?

>> No.12202158

>>12202132
OP is a faggot. He made a thread but isnt bothering to reply to responses.

>> No.12202665

>Some people would kill for a life this easy, that’s what Braun had to keep telling himself.
>He carried a large watering bucket as walked along the fat cabbages and bright, ripe tomatoes of his father's farm. He gave the crops one of their last waterings in preparation for the harvest.
>His family owned four acres, paid for with the gems his father made during his service. It was rich, fertile land, located in what had to be the best climate in all of Vanas. It was land that could provide a good life, albeit a simple one. It wasn’t like the grand adventures Braun would read in books written about the time of heroes. Of The Swashbuckling Knight, The Last Magician, and The First Legion. That last one, of course, was his Father’s favorite, it was required reading for any man in the Legion, and he loved staying up late with Braun by candlelight reading him stories of the great heroes who inspired him as a child.
>But these days, adventures were for books and stories. There were no wars, the Legion was all but impotent, and King Gregor Vandal ruled a country that had seen a century of peace and prosperity. There was no great adventure for Braun, not in this life.
I'd write:
Some people would kill for a life this easy. That's what Braun had to keep telling himself, and the thought occurred to him again as he hauled along a large water bucket through his father's fields. Fat cabbages and bright, thick carrots erupted to either side out of the dark soil crunching under his feet. This was rich, fertile land. The climate was the best in all Vanas. The life here was free and easy, and if the pleasures were simple they were all the more genuine for their lack of pretension. Chubby-faced villagers ploughed fields almost overflowing with crisp green produce. If the only entertainment within a day's ride was the Hen and Rooster, well, did you really need more than their legendary brews anyway? Even if the work was hard - and with the harvest approaching it was all hands to the fields at the moment - there was always the promise of a proper meal and a warm hearth at the end of the day, and more often than not a feast at the end of the week. There was always reason to celebrate - marriages, births, birthdays, namedays, even deaths. Some people would kill for a life this easy. That's what Braun had to keep telling himself.
Some people had killed for a life that easy. Many more had died for it. All that survived were legends - of the Swashbuckling Knight, the Last Magician, the First Legion - but the sacrifice had been real. A century of peace and prosperity had left the [war name] far removed from minds of folk, but it was these stories and these legends that occupied Braun's mind as he began to tilt his watering bucket over a particularly plump sweet potato bed. The upcoming wedding of Mildred, the baker's daughter, and his best friend Jerod couldn't have been further from his mind.

>> No.12203085

>>12202132
>what this story needs is more dull exposition
pls no. Way too much in there as it is

>> No.12203194

>>12202665
goodness, just remove the exposition about the legends and king.
>Braun carried a large watering bucket as he walked along the fat cabbages and bright, ripe tomatoes of his father's farm. He gave the crops one of their last waterings in preparation for the harvest.
etc. except change it so it doesn't sound like he's walking on top of his crops.

Is OP trying to be coy about writing about a literal farmboy? I liked the lore about angels and moon nights. It has a very classic swords and sorcery feel that I don't mind, but I'd want more of a dive into the action (finding the burned man and plot device sword). If this is a first chapter, the first two thirds with the interactions and descriptions aren't moving the plot along. It's largely filler exposition disguised as character interaction and inorganically favors the main character (ie. they all suck his dick, even the guy fucking the mom.)

>> No.12203200

>>12201076
it's shit

>> No.12203285

>>12201076
>Working on a fantasy novel
stop

you have no real ideas, you are just copying the work of real men at the surface level like the feminized subhuman you are

>> No.12203399

>>12201076
You need to start your first chapter with some action, and something to make the reader interested to read more.

>Some people would kill for a life this easy, that’s what Braun had to keep telling himself. He carried a large watering bucket as walked along the fat cabbages and bright, ripe tomatoes of his father's farm. He gave the crops one of their last waterings in preparation for the harvest.
This is a dogshit opening, OP. You should honestly start with the event at the end of your pasted text, where he finds the burning sword or whatever. Or at least just begin with the character doing something instead of basically referring to the protagonist's dissatisfaction and self-pity - no one cares. You desperately need to "show" Braun's desire for a more interesting life, not "tell" it. It comes across as whiny and gay. It should be coming across as Braun wanting something he can't get, and being thwarted by people/circumstances that misunderstand him. Maybe he wanted to go off to war against some evil horde, but wasn't quite old enough, and his mother wouldn't let him go (even though the recruiters would have gladly taken him on the down low). This creates narrative tension. But Braun having a sadboi moment about how boring and predictable his life is... is not relatable at all. You need to make him try to get out of that life, and fail miserably, and for things to get worse and drag him deeper into the boring world.

Overall the vibe of your story is very generic. McTaggart? Peasant's Prairie? Come on, dude. Give your world some personality. It currently sounds like a teenager's idea of a hokey medieval setting. I'd suggest going quite specific in using those names to help you add to the character of the overall setting, instead of letting them hang loosely as kind of random things (which is how it feels to me... they come together into a noticeably bland "this is a farming land" style):

Misty magical meadows?
>Old Man Finklefog
>Puffer's Prairie

Fairytale pastoral land?
>Old Man Grumblegulf
>Pleasant Prairie

etc

>> No.12203445

>>12201076
Needs more descriptions of exactly how large the vegetables are. Maybe open something like

>Some people would kill for a life this easy, that’s what Braun had to keep telling himself as he cradled an enormous marrow some half a metre in length and almost as much again in girth

>> No.12204663

>>12203399
>This is a dogshit opening
Harsh but fair tbph

>> No.12206293

>>12201337
Ironically pretending to be sincere and enthused is the worst. Just tell him it's shit.

>> No.12206444

>>12201076
This is absolutely breathtaking and some of the best prose I have ever read. When this tome is completed it will truly be one of the greatest pieces of art ever created by man.