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/lit/ - Literature

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1202033 No.1202033 [Reply] [Original]

Now awake. Edges grow sharper. The plaster walls. What was previously thought of as being brittle and fragile. Now as hard as diamond.

Staggering blindly around as though hexed. The doors are wide open yet there is no escape as outside is the same thing. Double-shot black coffee from the spluttering machine gives temporary satisfaction. The bitter tar slides down my throat and.
I can focus on something else? The galvanised bench-top with water droplets, the almost indiscernible imperfection on the sulphur wall.

The air, heavy. Lungs work hard as if it changed its viscosity. Light penetrating my weary eyes relentlessly. However. The dark is not much better. Pain goes unfelt. I stub my toe and don’t even know it.

A burning house under enemy gunfire. Before I could see the only option was to get out alive. But for what? The fire extinguished, the enemies vanquished. What to do now? Begin to live as was previously desired. But. Harmony can not exist without dissonance. Light is but a fiction when it can not be compared to something of a darker tone.

Reason is purely a human invention. So why? Actions without cause offer at least some sense of beauty. Spill a glass of wine and open a cupboard just to slam it shut again... But alas. None of this simple pleasure seems to be sustainable. So a chair takes my embrace and holds me there.

>> No.1202054

what is this?
the adventures of Sinbad?

>> No.1202080

Try to come off as clever minimalist. Post trollface so I can say I was jk if shit hits fan and nobody likes.

>> No.1202099

>>1202080
Haha. You pretty much hit the nail on the head there buddy!
Yeah no but seriously now, this is a piece of writing which I wrote over a year ago which I dredged out of my Documents folder. I was pretty proud of it back then but I think its pretty pretentious now. I guess I wanted to know what you guys thought of it. Probably shouldn't have put the troll face if I wanted a real opinion I guess.

>> No.1202111

>>1202099

Thank god you're honest about your work, unlike other people on this board.

>> No.1202116

>>1202111
What the fuck, man? Going into other threads to bitch?

>> No.1202125

Yeah so I know its pretty average but can I get some constructive criticism from you guys about why its shit? Be as ruthless as you want but try offer me direction as well.

>> No.1202131

only cool people think their own work is pretentious

>> No.1202144

>>1202116

LOL butthurt much?

>> No.1202161

"But. Harmony can not exist without dissonance"
I liked it okay, I mean, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It was pretty average, but the above sentence is driving me crazy.

>> No.1202164

>>1202116
Go do your homework, shitstain.

>> No.1202178

>>1202161
What's driving you crazy about it?

>> No.1202205

>>1202033
Things I like:
>Light is but a fiction when it can not be compared to something of a darker tone.
"Light is but a fiction" has to be my favorite part of this. I have no idea why, but it's creative and effective.
>Spill a glass of wine and open a cupboard just to slam it shut again...
Also good.
Is the story about PTSD/Shell Shock? Because that's what I was getting from it, but hey I dunno lol.

What needs work:
>A burning house under enemy gunfire.
This just feels obtuse to me. "enemy gunfire" is something you hear in a bad war movie.
Language feels... derivative somehow. Can't really pin it down, just grab a thesaurus and go to town.
>The doors are wide open yet there is no escape as outside is the same thing.
Change this please.

Here's my tl;dr: It's got potential, you just need to use your language a little more precisely. Sharper lingual jabs, save some verbal economy with a more eloquent phrasing or word choice.

Of course, I know shit-all about minimalism so I could be missing The Point.

>> No.1202232

>>1202205
Thanks dude!
Thats some solid feedback! Looking at the bits you were talking about I get what you mean.

>> No.1202235

>>1202232
My pleasure. I enjoy you a lot more than the fucking tripfag.

>> No.1202263

>>1202235
The story is more just about general depression I guess. Specifically, a nihilist awakening. The title for the work is actually Awakening which i forgot to include.
Looking back on it I can see that this theme is pretty damn cliched. I guess thats why i was a bit embarrassed about the piece. The reason I posted it was because, despite the theme, I still am quite proud of the way it's written.

>> No.1202497

Not bad OP

>> No.1202505
File: 26 KB, 400x287, Nihilists.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1202505

>>1202263