/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.11927824]

I would like to an epic in purple prose, I want it to be purely about the word, and I want it to sound nice. Niche is perfectly OK, as I do seek irony for my work.
I'm looking for critique in use of language, I do not want to obfuscate, the easier the language is to digest the better.
Thank you

Sunny sight art light as ribbon playing through the trees, dancing and frolicking in the soft autumn breeze
There I ponder with an air of frozen whispers, staring at the ailment , a sign of early fulfillment
Winter and her Cold nature has sent her first deathfull kiss
There among the clouds, she told me her first wish

[Anonymous No.11927983]

BUMPIT
(LOUDA

[Anonymous No.11928025]

>>11927824
art is a harsh t sound that stands out. are is softer and works better with the metre.

SUNny SIGHT ART LIGHT seems worse than SUNny SIGHT are LIGHT to me (at least for the opening part of the poem, obvs you can be looser at the later parts.)
RIBbon PLAYing THROUGH the TREES / DANCing and FROlicking IN the SOFT autumn BREEZE is okay but the DANcing and FROlicking IN the part seems kind of awkward. Stressing it as DANcing AND froLICKing IN the doesn't work well either.
THERE i PONder WITH an AIR of FROzen WHISpers doesn't work right well either.
"an air of" seems to want to be more "an air OF" then "an AIR of" for more and so doesn't connect well to the FROzen WHISpers part because a pause doesn't work well there.
WINter and her COLD NAture has a similar problem.
It wants to be WINter and her COLD more than WINter and HER cold to me.

You probably don't need to regularise all of the parts but some should flow better (especially near the beginning to get a rhythm going.)

[Anonymous No.11928026]

>Sunny sight art light as ribbon playing through the trees
This seems like a confused metaphor, the first four beats don't make it quite clear enough what you're talking about dancing and frolicking like a ribbon playing through the trees, and I think using tired/dead cliches like "soft autumn breeze" is no good. The "There I ponder," "There among the clouds," and "a sign of early fulfillment" don't work and weaken the better kernels. Take that with a grain of salt, I'm not an expert on poetry. But I think your real troubles here are forcing it and lack of clarity, not due to purple prose (recommend hart crane and practicing difficult meters to get into that and not just look silly), but due to wrong, confused, or otherwise weak kernels that don't convey what you mean to convey.

[Anonymous No.11928734]

>>11928026
>>11928025
Thank you guy

[Anonymous No.11928934]

For context: I tend towards minimalism when I write, so take my critique of your ornament with a grain of salt.

>Sunny sight art light as ribbon playing through the trees, dancing and frolicking in the soft autumn breeze
I have trouble picking out the subject and predicate of this statement. And it seems like your first line establishes a quick iambic flow that you break after the first comma, but don't reintroduce anywhere else.
>Ponder
Maybe use "wonder"? This might be a matter of preference, but "ponder" is not often used these days, so it sounds like you chose it because it's unusual or educated-sounding, not for any functional reason. (Again a matter of preference, but I find that with language, function is tantamount with style).
Also
>Frozen whispers
>Early fulfillment
>Cold nature
>Deathful kiss
>Adjective noun
>Adjective noun
Try to use more action and fewer adjectives to modify nouns. Or, if you do use them, break up their placement in the sentence to avoid redundancy.

>There among the clouds, she told me her first wish
I enjoy this sentence a lot. I get the feeling you do too, and even though it is metrically inconsistent (and sounds like a non-sequitor to me), you let it stay. Don't be afraid to "strike cheerfully". Don't cling to phrases too much or you'll write yourself into a corner.

[Anonymous No.11928996]

>>11928934
Kiss is action, but I see what you are saying