ITT: we try to come up with good opening lines

[Anonymous No.11893953]

Try to keep it serious. Here's my attempt:
>The buses in Pittsburgh were never quite on time for reasons no one understood.

[Anonymous No.11893990]

>>11893953
You would think the bus drivers would know why they couldn't go faster

[Anonymous No.11894000]

>>11893990
That would make a good opening line

[Anonymous No.11894005]

'No,' she says, 'I think he's dead. They still wriggle like that sometimes.'

[Anonymous No.11894153]

>>11893953
"It smells like ass," said Riggs, sniffing the ass-print. He wiped a dirty brown hand over the indentation, then licked his fingers one by one. "Swamp-ass. Still warm."

[Anonymous No.11894167]

In the future, people drive cars standing up.

[Anonymous No.11894185]

>>11893953
His head looked like a rose. He was finally beautiful

[Anonymous No.11894268]

Martin woke up, and thought he smelled pancakes. He took the dead cat out his pants and yawned, while the lady in the corner still whimpered while glaring at her leg hung in the opposite wall.

[Anonymous No.11894308]

>>11894268
How did he see the leg inside the wall?

[Anonymous No.11894309]

>>11894268
not bad desu

[Anonymous No.11894317]

>>11893990
but really, all they could determine was why they couldn't go fewer than fifty-five miles per hour

[Anonymous No.11894324]

>>11893990
Maybe they just got tired of retards arriving right as the bus was pulling away and running after it

[Anonymous No.11894339]

>>11893953
There was silence in Los Angeles, a deeper silence than that place had felt since Nature ruled the California coast; the power lines no longer emanated the din of their amperes and the streets were clotted with the empty shells of cars, as the city's great heartbeat was stopped-- Held hostage by a poorly-written ransomware.

[Anonymous No.11894350]

>>11894339
cringe

[Anonymous No.11894396]

>>11894339
I honestly think "the city's great heartbeat was stopped by a poorly written ransomware" would be enough

[Anonymous No.11894408]

Adam was the first poet for Eve was beautiful.

[Anonymous No.11894411]

A vague annoyance scurried across my scalp as I gulped down the lukewarm coffee.

[Anonymous No.11894420]

The solemn promise that hung over its nation rang through the minds of the people daily.

[Anonymous No.11894436]

>>11894308

The leg was hers. And lmao, my bad, I always mix in and on.

[Anonymous No.11894437]

The child and his mind played in fear, moving the many possibilities and outcomes that would eventualize if he tried to stop his Father from harming Mother.

[Anonymous No.11894453]

Chaundice didn't like the smell of roasting pork. Not since the night of the fire...

[Anonymous No.11894454]

Few were shocked to learn when it was revealed that the "Big Bang" resembled more similarly to a Dial-Up.

[Anonymous No.11894466]

>>11894436
Could have been a hole in the wall or some sci fi vision shit

[Anonymous No.11894477]

Repent.

[Anonymous No.11894490]

>>11894411
nice

[Anonymous No.11894511]

>>11893953
Three stories up on the industrial catwalk that surrounded the cracking column unit, the moon seemed obscured by the perpetual haze and shifted in tone by the unceasing hum of the unit. The cigarette butt sifted downwards past the railing towards the unlit asphalt, one small fire in a valley of flame

[Anonymous No.11894523]

Gangrene? I didn’t know they still made gangrene

[Anonymous No.11894605]

Stolen from another anon

Now I read to you all not my words but the words written by another man exactly two-hundred years ago today.

[Anonymous No.11895346]

>>11894167
So the Flintstones?

[Anonymous No.11895361]

The intrepid man waited anxiously for the elevator. Vacuously, he felt a vestige of rebellion; the elevator door welcomed him into its incandescent space and yet he refused. This moment was his and his alone.

[Anonymous No.11895363]

>>11895361
kek

[Anonymous No.11895577]

>>11894523
This one made me laugh for some reason

[Anonymous No.11895635]

>>11895346
ur big retard sir

[Anonymous No.11895638]

After two weeks in the lighthouse I saw a ship breaking up the night fog.

[Anonymous No.11895661]

I recoiled in horror at the thought of being alone with my own thoughts.

[Anonymous No.11895667]

>>11893953
The twitchy woman wailing in the street was correct: the rabid niggerjew had struck again.

[Anonymous No.11895669]

I saw my uncle jacking off in amongst the treetops.

[Anonymous No.11895673]

>>11893953
After that day, nobody would ever say again that OP was a faggot.

[Anonymous No.11895685]

>>11893953
What ? I thought you just said something.
"What are you looking at me for, I didn't speak..."
I see.
Battery is at 10 %. Gotta grab a charger...
Maybe after I'm done writing this.

[Anonymous No.11895690]

>>11895685
Please write more this is incredibly engaging! I wanna know what happens next

[Anonymous No.11895700]

A memeing came across the sky.

[Anonymous No.11895707]

>>11895700
A creaming whipped across the pie.

[Anonymous No.11895712]

Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!”

[Anonymous No.11895713]

They usually pulsate like that; it used to make me gag but i'm quite used to it now.

[Anonymous No.11895738]

And I would render the boy from red-veined clay, rear him up right and safe between twin rising crags.

[Anonymous No.11895742]

Huh, normally in these threads I see at least one that wouldn't make me throw the book across the room in disgust

[Anonymous No.11895760]

>>11893953
Which of the ones posted so far would like to read more of ?

[Anonymous No.11895769]

>>11893953
Niggers niggering in the niggerhood, \while little niglets...

[Anonymous No.11895771]

It's not every day your testicle mutates

[Anonymous No.11895776]

The first sentence of my novel:

I die.

[Anonymous No.11895781]

>>11895776
>first person present tense from perspective of ghost

Cringe and bluepilled

[Anonymous No.11895783]

Soaked in my own blood, writhing against concrete, dragged through the dark slur of the street, awash with rain - I am born again.

[Anonymous No.11895795]

>>11895781

[Anonymous No.11895797]

>>11895760
>>11894523 is quite funny
>>11895738 has a good sound to it but I'd have severe apprehensions about what follows

That's all I got. The rest do nothing or less for me.

[Anonymous No.11895803]

>>11894523
This is the best of the bunch

>>11895781
Nope, the whole premise is everyone is immediately reconstituted after they die. Ghosts need not apply

[Anonymous No.11895812]

>>11895783
Best in thread

[Anonymous No.11895821]

My name is Jeff.

[Anonymous No.11895823]

>>11895812
The slur of the street? Really?

[Anonymous No.11895845]

>>11895823
"m8 I saw your mum licking a pigeon", that kind of thing.

[Anonymous No.11895899]

She slid the cash on the counter into her bra, holstered her pistol, and glanced once more at the remains of her father

[Anonymous No.11895911]

>>11895899
Ooooh strong womyn! I like it! No...I LOVE it!

[Anonymous No.11896044]

>>11895823
>>11895845
It's kind of a play on 'slur' in the musical sense (the book's about music)

[Anonymous No.11896047]

It was the fourth of July and we were bottle rockets bursting against a star-spangled sky

[Anonymous No.11896062]

>>11896047
worst in the thread so far

[Anonymous No.11896085]

>>11896062
Why?

[Anonymous No.11896105]

There was no BOOM. Guess why? Yes, you're right. Because mom made pancakes and we adopted a golden retriever.

[Anonymous No.11896131]

>>11896085
Extremely gay imagery, ang not even in a good sense.

[Anonymous No.11896133]

>>11896131
Good critique...

[Anonymous No.11896379]

it was a dark and stormy night

[Anonymous No.11896664]

"What for?", he would ask, day after day, and all would grumble in reply, and squint their eyes at him, and screech and say, "Don't you like anything? Is this how you're going to live your whole life?", as if to goad him, as if to challenge him to do so!

[Anonymous No.11896844]

>>11896133
He means it sounds like something Rupi Kaur would write. It sounds like a woman wrote it, who had some stupidly happy moment on the fourth of July, where she met some great guy who captivated her... 99% of the time when women try to write something or be literary they are saying something related to a guy they were very attracted to in some form or another. Which means they didn't give a damn about "the fourth of July" but were really just drunk and aroused and remember something their love interest said about fireworks, which sounded "poetic" not because it was but because of the shape of the jawline which uttered it. and so forth.

[Anonymous No.11896863]

>>11894153
Good.

[Anonymous No.11896874]

Claire's daddy loves baseball, P-51 Mustangs, and Claire.

[Anonymous No.11896886]

>>11893953
>>11893990
>>11894317
>>11894324
>The buses in Pittsburgh were never quite on time for reasons no one understood. You would think the bus drivers would know why they couldn't go faster, but really, all they could determine was why they couldn't go fewer than fifty-five miles per hour. Maybe they just got tired of retards arriving right as the bus was pulling away and running after it.
Nice. "/lit/ writes a story" threads could only dream of achieving such heights.

[Anonymous No.11896892]

>>11896886
nice

[Anonymous No.11896895]

>>11896874
Is he abusing her? It's a much better line if that's not the case

[Anonymous No.11896897]

>>11896886
not bad

[Anonymous No.11896899]

Would this one be good ? Genuinely wondering.

>You know perfectly well the reason why I'm a misogynist

[Anonymous No.11896913]

>>11896899
Only good if you use the paper you write it on to kindle a fire, or to set fire to a Kindle

[Anonymous No.11896917]

>>11896895

I don't know what MP he uses for takeoff but we used 52" MP for takeoff in the HA-1112. It uses the V-1650 as well.

[Anonymous No.11896936]

>>11896917
You're a good and caring daddy

[Anonymous No.11896938]

>>11896913
Gay

[Anonymous No.11896943]

>>11896938
Your mom

[Anonymous No.11897445]

>>11895669
Im sold on this story.

[Anonymous No.11897478]

This bitch wouldn't quit.
"Come on baby. Its only a little blowjob. Its a bargain."
I shook my head again.
I watched the alley in front for signs of the thing that dwelled in the abandoned meat factory.
She rapped my car window again.
"I can suck you dry baby."
I let the window down and signalled her closer with my hand.
She leaned in the window.
My pistol slid smoothly out of my jacket and into her mouth.
"You'll be sucking this clip dry if you dont back the fuck up lady."
As her eyes widened in fear, movement in the alley caught my eye. The thing had awoken....

[Anonymous No.11897557]

>>11897478
Riveting...

[Anonymous No.11897596]

Snow creapt over the mountain peaks at an ever increasing pace, threatening to soon envelope the fleeting autumn of the town below.

[Anonymous No.11897606]

The hooker in pink fled across the car park, and the potential customer followed.

[Anonymous No.11897622]

>>11893953
>There was a despondency in the waiting room that Jon and Mary did not quite partake in.

I know it's mediocre, but I'm unsure how to improve it

[Anonymous No.11897633]

>>11893953
The negritude of the big black negro was only the starker against the whiteness of the bench and the concrete of the wall behind him.

Alternatively we could turn this into a fine imagist poem with the following transformation:

The blackness of this nigger on the bench,
Hellebore against wide, white pavement.

[Anonymous No.11897636]

>>11897622
You know that's not bad...

>He knew it was mediocre, but he was entirely at a loss as to how to improve it.

I would be interested in this character.

[Anonymous No.11897648]

>>11897478
Lel

[Anonymous No.11897649]

>>11897633
the benched nigger black against
pavement, wide and white

[Anonymous No.11897664]

The trees tremble as I walk, shaking birds from the branches with skyward shrieks. The earth cries out, the leafs whisper; damn is this dude fat.

[Anonymous No.11897666]

>>11897649
The benched nigger black against
The white, wide pavement.

[Anonymous No.11897673]

That night, sitting in front of the mirror he had replaced his TV with, thoughts surged through his skull. Why had she left him? When would automation put his delivery truck out of business? How many of those cheap whiskey bottles he had smuggled through checkpoints were being transformed tonight, filled with gas and old motor oil? What was he going to do tomorrow to get out of bed, to escape this sinking rusted anchor of his heart?

[Anonymous No.11897726]

People are getting off the bus wrong. They stand up, wait by the door. It isn't even their stop.

[Anonymous No.11897731]

>>11897726
Obviously, because if the bus stopped it would likely explode.

[Anonymous No.11897733]

>>11897666
The anon editing stark against
His trips, satanic and close

[Anonymous No.11897739]

Many people would be horrified, but the first thought that came to my mind was that this was going to make it a whole lot harder to masturbate.

[Anonymous No.11897761]

The whiskey is cold in my hand and warm in my gut.

[Anonymous No.11897796]

>>11897731
lmao

[Anonymous No.11897853]

>>11897478
>"You'll be sucking this clip dry if you dont back the fuck up lady."
I think the line would've had more impact without "the fuck", it'd imply that the protagonist is in way more control of his emotions and dangerous, instead of seeming like some guy that's done with being annoyed and has suddenly lost control of himself.

[Anonymous No.11897857]

>>11897853
“IM GUNNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!”

“I doubt it.”

[Anonymous No.11897858]

>>11897853
should be "You'll fucking be sucking the flicky out of my stiffy blicky, you iffy?"

[Anonymous No.11897894]

"Is it supposed to take this long?" Anon asked himself, unaware of the helium shortage.

[Anonymous No.11897896]

>>11897733
Thank you for honoring me with your doublets.

[Anonymous No.11897897]

>>11897894
excited to see where this goes

[Anonymous No.11898002]

>>11894005
Boner inducing

[Anonymous No.11898073]

What caused it does not constitute part of my knowledge: we have been fucked.

[Anonymous No.11898075]

I was born 13 years ago on the jungle gym, when Sturvant was six years old. Nearing the end of recess Sturvant--waiting his turn in line, knees pinched together and shifting anxiously back and forth from one foot to the other, body language which universally signals “need to go pee”--was hoping to squeeze in one last go down the slide when Jimmy bumped hard into Sturvant to cut past him in line. “No cutting!” and Sturvant put his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder to pull him back and Jimmy turned around with a hard push, well-timed, and Sturvant (already off balance from having to shift back and forth on his feet) went tumbling down the jungle gym and crashing onto the ground. And who could blame him, embarrassed, hands smarting from the sharp bite of the edges of the playground-woodchips that were the ground, and a little bit (and then a lot) of pee beginning to dribble down his leg - who could blame Sturvant for beginning to cry?

[Anonymous No.11898084]

Here's mine>>11898075
>>11893953
This opening line most likely wouldn't have any actual functionality within the story; you think it sounds clever but realistically this would exist in the story as just amateurish stylism.
>>11894005
Again, this is just amateurish stylism. Unless the author was actually capable of writing some satirical cartoonish slasher story where like some incel teams up with his goth vampire girlfriend this would turn out to be extremely clumsy.
>>11894185
Hm this is okay I guess
>>11894268
Okay pynchon.
>>11894339
The imagery is safe, a bit unoriginal even, but effective. The premise could make for a fun short story. I'm imagining some meandering birds eye examination of a city shut down by a ransomware (or any kind of "cyber attack") wandering from one piece of the city's infrastructure to the next and exploring the particularities of that piece's being shut down. Could make for a pretty funny story if it was ransomware.
>>11894408
Its fine but stupid. I'd trust this in the hands of someone like Italo Calvino but not in the hands of anon.
>>11894411
Why are you saying it scurried. Why does it have to be vague. Why not just tell us what it is that "scurried across [your] scalp"?
>>11894420
really bad desu. Its not nearly as effective as you think it is. It'd be better if the reader knew what the "solemn promise" was before you delivered this line.
>>11894437
I don't know what to think of this but for the love of god don't have the next 2 or 3 sentences be a list of specifically what those fears are culminating in a concluding sentence of the paragraph that basically just restates the opening sentence e.g. "Indeed the eventualities of any intervention, though varied and highly differentiated, all had alike that it intensify the situation."
>>11894453
This is unremarkable in the sense that there is nothing for me to remark on. But it's fine, obviously.
>>11894454
kek, reminds me of DFW.
>>11894511
This is good as far as purple prose goes.
>>11894605
I'm pretty sure this is a direct rip off of the premise of a Borges story.
>>11894523
kek nice.
>>11895361
This post took me several attempts before I was actually able to finish reading it, mostly because its really boring. Also the word choice is awful.
>>11895638
Maybe the best one so far.
>>11895669
I don't know about this one but all of a sudden I want Portnoy's Complaint but written from the perspective of one of his family members.
>>11895685
okay
>>11895712
Fantastic, 9.5/10.

[Anonymous No.11898096]

>>11898075
How do you recall the specifics of what happened during an event that was going on while you were being born?

[Anonymous No.11898106]

>>11898084
>I'm imagining some meandering birds eye examination of a city shut down by a ransomware
i wrote it after reading the passage in Heart of Darkness where Kurtz is finally introduced and reading an FDD report on North Korea's cyberwarfare capabilities, and so I was imagining the darkness of the city would provide a backdrop for a character telling a story, implying in turn that the blackouts are routine, if not an everyday occurrence. It's pretty cliche, but I honestly don't have huge issues with that in itself.

[Anonymous No.11898155]

"Oh come on, I just explained it to you, it's not murder if they're not actually people!" Gideon raised his voice at me from the floor of the back seat, startling the young drive-through employee.

[Anonymous No.11898180]

Here's mine>>11898075
>>11895713
As I've probably made abundantly clear by now, I am NOT a fan of having your open line be centered around some vague subject. This sentence could have been spoken by a prostitute, a nurse or doctor, a murderer, and probably many others. It really does not sound as interesting as you think it is. That said, this isn't all that bad.
>>11895738
This is pretty good, reminds me of Faulkner. And that's the problem: it's really hard to sustain a voice like this over an entire passage. But if you can, then great!
>>11895769
underrated in-joke, /lit/ is dead
>>11895776
>first person present tense
You probably don't pull if off.
>>11895783
Eh, anon have you noticed how the other person ITT who was writing about some brutal act of violence also used the word "writing". Anyways, not sure what to make of this. Can't tell if this could turn into a successful BotNS-ish type work or if its just someone who's trying to write lore for Dark Souls in an urban setting.
>>11895899
I don't like this one at all, and I assume the ensuing story would rely heavily on tropes and cliches, but structurally its fine and would probably be very appealing to a large number of readers.
>>11896047
Could be a cute coming of age story. Like the other anon said, the metaphor is kinda gay and sentimental, but its also a pretty striking image expressed with compact language.
>>11896105
Truly cannot get enough of your work.
>>11896664
I think this line could be expanded into an entire paragraph and the result would be ten times as effective.
>>11896874
Yeah as someone else implied, if you're trying to write some edgy pedophilia story you're gonna have to be more talented than this for it to be good. It seems like the only reason you wrote this sentence was because you thought you'd discovered some catchy, clever way of structuring a sentence but really it sounds like something a sophomore would write.
>>11896899
Write it as some long angry breakup letter where the writer of the letter has all the neuroticism and sexual hangups of Alexander Portnoy, but all the bitterness of the character from Notes from Underground. If you do that it could be fucking hilarious.
>>11897478
>>>/reddit/
>>11897596
This is fine. If you're setting up some sort of extended metaphor it could in fact be good.
>>11897622
meh. Interesting idea but clumsy execution. Try rephrasing the sentence and varying the syntax until you get something a bit more compact.
>>11897673
In my previous post I actually cautioned an anon against structuring a paragraph EXACTLY as you just did, as in
opening sentence about anxious thoughts followed by 3 or 4 sentences describing some of those thoughts in particular.
Its really boring, unoriginal, and hamfisted. That said, the act of replacing your mirror with a television could end up being pretty interesting on a thematic level.
>>11897739
I figure you're being serious. This is just bad. Stop writing about masturbation.
>>11897761
Good.

[Anonymous No.11898189]

>>11898096
The character is an imaginary friend invented by Sturvant after this incident. He imagines the friend by imagining someone sticking up for him during the incident. I understand that this is probably pretty confusing to the reader, and I might be not practicing what I'm preaching by leaving something like that vague in the opening, but its the only way I can see how to write that passage.

[Anonymous No.11898218]

>>11898180
Yeah it was just the greentext I wanted to improve upon, I wasn't trying to what >>11897636 thought.
I'll take this on board though, thanks
>Try rephrasing the sentence and varying the syntax until you get something a bit more compact.

[Anonymous No.11898248]

>>11898084
mass replying like this should be bannable

[Anonymous No.11898250]

>>11898106
You know, I actually like this, especially this
>implying in turn that the blackouts are routine, if not an everyday occurrence
Especially in a city as disgusting as LA.

[Anonymous No.11898255]

>>11898248
Its quite common in critique threads.

[Anonymous No.11898284]

There was a daisy sprouting up from between my floorboards, and I love him.

[Anonymous No.11898297]

>>11898189
"Born" implies something organic, which an imaginary friend wouldn't actually be. If you say something like "I was created 13 years ago" or something similar, it would tip off the reader that we're not watching the scene from the perspective of a normal person.

You say "and" far too many times. It's hard to quantify, but your writing style comes off like you want the narrator to sound smart, which for most people just means an excess of syllables. Not to mention you repeat yourself with "And who could blame him" shortly followed by "who could blame Sturvant". Put all of these together and you get a not particularly interesting read that feels like watching water slowly drain down a partially clogged sink.

If you want a recommendation, trim the fat here. The imagery isn't pretty enough to be worth all the extra words.
>Nearing the end of recess Sturvant--waiting his turn in line, knees pinched together and shifting anxiously back and forth from one foot to the other, body language which universally signals “need to go pee”--was hoping to squeeze in one last go down the slide when Jimmy bumped hard into Sturvant to cut past him in line.
Could be
>Sturvant shifted back and forth on his feet, the universal signal for "need to go pee". He waited in line, hoping for one last go down the slide before recess ended, when Jimmy bumped hard into him, cutting ahead.
It's just an example, and not a great one, but I think you get my point.

[Anonymous No.11898300]

"What do you see when you look this way with such anger and resentment? Is it my face? Or is it yours?"

[Anonymous No.11898330]

>There was a Godamn potato sticking right in between my fucking shoulder blades.

This is the first line of the second chapter of my edgy shortstory from sophomore year of highschool.

[Anonymous No.11898344]

I was trying to put it in, but the gal was resisting hard, slapping my knees with her pale thighs. She almost got a nice swing at my bag when I finally subdued her and started pumping.

[Anonymous No.11898349]

>>11893953
i live in pittsburgh
can confirm

[Anonymous No.11898370]

>>11898084

>Okay pynchon.

Never read him lol now I'm interested.

[Anonymous No.11898379]

>>11898370
It's because of the opening chapter describing banana breakfast in detail with banana pancakes in focus. (gravity's rainbow)

[Anonymous No.11898384]

>>11898297
>If you say something like "I was created 13 years ago" or something similar, it would tip off the reader that we're not watching the scene from the perspective of a normal person.
I think this is actually a pretty good idea that I might run with.

Anyways, I definitely am not trying to make the narrator sound smart. But I agree that there is something wrong with the way the sentences are structured. Namely, it makes the whole thing much less readable. That way of writing isn't exactly my default voice; its deliberate, though I don't think I've worked on it enough for it to actually be good.
The reason I'm using these run-on sentences is to create an impression of everything happening in quick succession, or almost all at once. I'm worried that if I slow down the pacing that some of the anxiety of the moment will be lost. Like, when you have to pee so bad that you're about to wet yourself, events aren't perceived (at least in my case) as discrete entities but rather as events which flow into each other as the backdrop of a pretty neurotic moment. That said, I don't think I've done enough in the passage to convey the kind of frantic-ness associated with needing to go pee that I'm thinking of in my head.
I also think the way that children perceive the world involves a lot less parsing of events and objects than the way an adult perceives the world. I'm also thinking of the way that children often literally speak in run on sentences.

Thanks for the input by the way. There is something deficient in my style but I'd rather improve the style than change it altogether, at least for now.

Oh and one last thing: the redundancy with the second "who could blame him" was because I thought it would actually make that (rather long) sentence more readable. Consider:
>And who could blame him, embarrassed, hands smarting from the sharp bite of the edges of the playground-woodchips that were the ground, and a little bit (and then a lot) of pee beginning to dribble down his leg for beginning to cry?
That final "for beginning to cry" comes in so abruptly that there's basically no way to realize what's going on without rereading the sentence.

[Anonymous No.11898395]

>>11898370
>>11898379
Yeah, I was also just thinking about someone pulling a cat out of his pants as seeming like something that could come from GR. But especially the pancakes.

[Anonymous No.11898450]

>>11898384
>The reason I'm using these run-on sentences is to create an impression of everything happening in quick succession, or almost all at once. I'm worried that if I slow down the pacing that some of the anxiety of the moment will be lost. Like, when you have to pee so bad that you're about to wet yourself, events aren't perceived (at least in my case) as discrete entities but rather as events which flow into each other as the backdrop of a pretty neurotic moment.

Your narrator seems to be a literal one, a character actually telling the story, which means you can be somewhat liberal and loose with the narration style. A story told in present tense, which could be perfectly acceptable considering this is technically a first hand account, is often more suspenseful in the moment. "I'm walking up to the front door when Steve says..." feels like a setup for something interesting, possibly because speaking in present tense implies whatever issue involved in the story isn't necessarily resolved, while "I was walking up to the front door, and then Steve says..." doesn't convey the same feeling. Imagine a really excited friend telling you this story while you're sitting on the edge of your seat and word it like that.

>I also think the way that children perceive the world involves a lot less parsing of events and objects than the way an adult perceives the world. I'm also thinking of the way that children often literally speak in run on sentences.

Your narrator doesn't sound like a child, first of all. Secondly, have you ever heard a child hear a story? You captured the feeling somewhat, but that's not a good thing. When children explain something to you, it's like being waterboarded with "and then, and then, and then" while they meander around useless details and never reach a point. Instead of trying to figure out how to make a story interesting AND sound like a child is telling it, just ditch the child part? I'm not sure how important that is, but the vocabulary and level of detail is way off for a 6 year old. If there's an essence of childhood you should capture, it's the energy and enthusiasm. Instead of stunting your narrator's vocabulary, maybe just make them sound as interested in the story as you want the reader to be?

>That final "for beginning to cry" comes in so abruptly that there's basically no way to realize what's going on without rereading the sentence.
Fair point, but that seems like a hint that you should trim down the sentence. But what do I know? I'm not a writer. I don't even read fiction. Good luck though.

[Anonymous No.11898462]

If you are seriously interested in writing, please do not take anyone's advice on this board. There are only two ways improve: by reading and close study of great and successful works of literature and by constant practice (and both of these in conjugation with another). I have the impression that most of the people posting their writing in critique threads, whether for prose or for verse, have done very little serious reading of either.

[Anonymous No.11898478]

>>11898462
.t obvious nihilist, your pessimism reeks

[Anonymous No.11898495]

>>11898478
>suggests real ways of improvement besides the judgement of people as ignorant as those being judged
>Nihilist!

[Anonymous No.11898532]

>>11898495
Not every reader is a literature critic, so why would you want to exclusively get feedback from literature critics?

[Anonymous No.11898991]

>>11898495
>>11898462
desu writing workshops are something that is enough of a common practice among writers that your core argument is obviously bullshit

[Anonymous No.11899000]

>>11898991
Imagine Joyce or Dickens going to a "writing workshop" lol

>>11898532
I am suggesting the exact opposite of getting feedback from critics. I am saying that one should only learn from successful examples.

[Anonymous No.11899007]

>>11899000
yeah u right joyce only practiced writing by huffing his wife's farts

[Anonymous No.11899012]

"For the last time no, we are simply out of this month's edition of Fur, Fish, and Game."

[Anonymous No.11899019]

>>11899007
His wife's farts probably got him farther than the farts you sniff in your little writer's circlejerk will ever get you

[Anonymous No.11899066]

>>11893953
Her cracked speckled nails scraped my face as I reached over to self-soothe one of my daily provocations.

[Anonymous No.11899083]

>>11893953
He hit his head at the bottom of the bottle.

[Anonymous No.11899102]

>>11896379
Imagine being me. Total dud, laughable social skills, and completely addicted to video games.

[Anonymous No.11899106]

>>11897606
well done

[Anonymous No.11899143]

"Walking down the dark road I can not see a thing. A cobblestone path slowly appears with stories inscribed on them of great men of history's past. A path that so many with names greater than mine have came to walk, I see the grandiose entrance looming in the distance. I should not be in awe, for in this place I'm told, many have come to meet their end."

here's mine, be nice pls

[Anonymous No.11899178]

>>11896886
lol, this one's good

[Anonymous No.11899325]

>>11894411
Gay and annoying. You will never have talent.
>>11894420
Vague, stupid, try hard
>>11894454
Don’t write about what you don’t know. Hitchhiker guide reddit tier. Also, your English is crap.
>>11895361
oh shut the fuck up
>>11895783
“I am born again” makes no sense here.
>>11897596
Is the book about the weather?
>>11897761
Boring.
>>11899143
Too dense. Doesn’t instill suspense at all. Weak imagery.

[Anonymous No.11899652]

When I'm by myself I can be myself.

[Anonymous No.11900171]

>>11898180
>>11895797
You two said kind things about my sentence. Here's more from that if you'll be bothered. Of course, many doubts about the choice of certain words, punctuation, the rhythm and pacing. But I'll let it speak for itself.


And I would render my boy from red-veined clay, rear him up right and safe between twin rising crags. Despite a mother’s absence, I would ensure he was well-nourished, here in the valley of the Earth’s rocky bosom. In the early stages of his life, the early hours of the day, I would take him out to till soft soil with his own two little hands. A morning fog hangs over my darling boy as he cleans his young soul in the dirt. The Earth would remind him of nothing. Let him know nature first. Amongst this old land he would grow to be strong and good, a fundamentally good and healthy boy, wholesome and free of the vice so often fostered by the bustle of dense urban systems. That coughing, sputtering, tangled mass of connectivity which is called a city.
I’d known it well in my own youth and come away thinking it a way to take an untouched soul, something I hold in high regard, wire it up and allow to seep into it’s edges all that tarnishing complexity invited onto us by the berserk of the culture. There is no goodness without simplicity, the very act of inquiry casts doubt into our souls concerning the legitimacy of such a naive thing.

[Anonymous No.11900172]

Sullen sundry cast asunder, she who so was sleeping so sedately swept successfully solemn sinister souls. The saviour of sin so secretly set the sunlight scorched. Sail the sane, scorn the sorrowful, surrender such sights sitting silently sifting such sadness. Screeching sounds salt sordid structures. Suicide, shapen.

[Anonymous No.11900182]

>>11900172
This stuff is a good sort of exercise, and I've written stuff like it, but man, no one can cut it on wordplay alone. You're not Joyce. You gotta make it matter.

[Anonymous No.11900198]

The weekend is finally here. Thank God.

[Anonymous No.11900253]

soaked. soaked streets and soaked men, set against running walls, legs splayed and muddy, surrounded with puddled vomit and oily pools of fallen clouds. men with bottle, with the soaked air of despair bubbling into the foul liquid as the bottle is overturned into rotten mouths. these men's souls crunched underfoot, in the street lamp glitter of the shattered vessels, shattered like some redfaced curse, but never before being emptied, and thus being empty itself. i cross the street to avoid this particular man.

[Anonymous No.11900267]

>>11893953
I am cynical and self-centred and I cannot help but feel a deep welling contempt for everyone I encounter, whether it be in line at a coffee shop, at school, at work, whether they be my family or old companions from my glorious high school days, because I see other people as vermin essentially, little better than buggo wuggos, scurrying around, following to the tee the simple programs according to which their minds run, running around like ants, and because they are ants, I wish I could crush them underfoot.

[Anonymous No.11900291]

A lighter, a fire, a joint, a man and a dead body. The man lights his joint in a slow and thoughtful manner, you would almost forget what just happened here.

[Anonymous No.11900308]

And then he woke up and realized it was all a dream.

[Anonymous No.11900312]

>>11900308
Underrated post. This is unironically a GREAT opening line.

[Anonymous No.11900313]

>>11900291
The homeboy sparks his log in a chill yet badass manner, you would almost forget what just happened here
ftfty

[Anonymous No.11900352]

>>11896886
>. You would think the bus drivers would know why they couldn't go faster, but really, all they could determine was why they couldn't go fewer than fifty-five miles per hour.
That makes zero sense. A bus cant go fewer than 55mph?

[Anonymous No.11900355]

I could never tell if people were being ironic or not, so I always just assumed that they were.

[Anonymous No.11900357]

>>11900352
They have to maintain a certain ... Speed

[Anonymous No.11900360]

It was early for a Saturday; he was up and dressed and ready to get started.

[Anonymous No.11900391]

>>11898075
This is an opening paragraph, not an opening line. It's good but you should remove the brackets.

[Anonymous No.11900408]

Record scratch. "Yep," I said. "That's me."

[Anonymous No.11900423]

Record scratch. "Hmm," I said. "That's me?"

[Anonymous No.11900432]

>>11893953
>>11900357
>>11900360
>>11900391
>>11900408
>>11900423
Do you idiots even know you're only acting like this because the sun has aligned with the moon in Libra?

[Anonymous No.11900440]

>>11900432
Joke's on you. I'm always retarded.

[Anonymous No.11900493]

>>11895821
based

[Anonymous No.11900501]

>>11900432
see: >>11900440

[Anonymous No.11900560]

>>11898300
If there were no quotes, I could dig it.
>>11900308
I agree with the idea, but not with the style, unless your plan is to mirror the line at the end. If you truncated "And then", I think it would be much more effective.

[Anonymous No.11900989]

>>11895821
it's spelled chegg

[Anonymous No.11900998]

Dear Diary,

[Anonymous No.11901190]

On a desk dimly lit by a drowsy sun sat a previously impressive yet now abandoned tank.

[Anonymous No.11901197]

>>11901190
Is the tank a replica?

[Anonymous No.11901209]

Laurel slugged her rainforest beer.

[Anonymous No.11901239]

>>11901197
Fish tank

[Anonymous No.11901258]

>>11901239
Maybe you could use the word aquarium instead. I like the word aquarium very much.

[Anonymous No.11901280]

>>11901258
Wow, completely forgot about that word. Thanks

[Anonymous No.11901319]

Judith awoke with a start. Rent was now four days past and the landlord's patience was the samesuch spent. A rhythm of knocks and hollers came from the door with the dog accompanying with its whoo--hoo-hooing. Judith hugged her pillow in tears. "I'm finished!" She cried.

[Anonymous No.11901355]

>>11899325
You've taken this too seriously you sperg

[Anonymous No.11902610]

I stopped needing to eat one week ago.

[Anonymous No.11902630]

>>11894396
much much better actually

[Anonymous No.11902647]

>>11901355
Or is it you who’s taken my post too seriously?

[Anonymous No.11902649]

There was a new morning and it broke upon the windows of the air and stained them sour-blue, and all the things beneath flickered into life at its coming; all but one - for when the sunlight searched the reaches of Leopold’s bedroom, it found him dead.

[Anonymous No.11902664]

He prays to a god he does not believe in as tears flood down his face.

[Anonymous No.11902670]

>>11893953
I flew back home from India after a two month trip. When I drove home, my wife greet me with a wide smile and gave me a big hug; almost crushing me.

"Baby, you won't' believe it," She said, "The ultra sound came in. I'm having a boy!"

My eyes widen in shock. I haven't seen her in five months.

[Anonymous No.11902678]

>>11902649
>windows of the air
>of the air
?
>all the things beneath flickered into life
What things? What do you mean by “flickering into life?”
>for
not necessary, a bit cringey.

You would have been better off with the plain
> The morning sunlight broke through the window and found Leopold dead

[Anonymous No.11902692]

>>11902664
>He prays to a god he does not believe in
Are you hoping your reader isn’t aware of popular American music?
>flood down his face
Use a different verb, or drop the down

[Anonymous No.11902702]

>>11902692
If it's a lyric of a song then I am unaware of it

[Anonymous No.11902738]

>>11902702
https://youtu.be/9yZ1uI5yPbY

[Anonymous No.11902834]

>>11902647

[Anonymous No.11902951]

/lit/'s childish obsession with opening lines is a symptom of their constant exposure to superstimuli

thats it, thats my opening line. fuck you

[Anonymous No.11902967]

>>11902951
>constant exposure to superstimuli is a bad thing
faggot

[Anonymous No.11903021]

I awoke and realized that this morning was no ordinary morning, as there was a strange liquidy feeling of incontinence sluicing out of my firmly clenched but sore asshole: cum.

[Anonymous No.11903722]

>>11898248
>giving actual responses and critiques is bad if youre helping too many people

???

[Anonymous No.11903848]

The incandescent orange sun seared through the morning mist, and through the iron bars, she saw the rolling hills bathed in light, echoing unto the horizon.

[Anonymous No.11904193]

Know that regardless of his actions, you will never despise him as much as he despises himself.

[Anonymous No.11904242]

then i fucking shoved my knife through his throat, he couldnt say a fucking word. he died.

[Anonymous No.11904274]

>>11902670
You're switching between tenses within the span of a few sentences.

Also, where's the shock? Pregnancy is 9 months long.

[Anonymous No.11904276]

>>11902649
Also sorry but you cant name your protagonist Leopold after Ulysses.

[Anonymous No.11904739]

I really, really want to taste my own excrement.

[Anonymous No.11904877]

Edinburgh hints at sorrow, it’s men and women dour.

[Anonymous No.11904997]

Bazyli Wronkowski's walking quick down Aramingo Avenue again taking pictures of his favorite streetlights.

[Anonymous No.11905130]

>>11893953
My trenchcoat and fedora were the envy of all the other kids at the dance.

[Anonymous No.11905145]

>>11904877
I like these words quite a lot. Elegant.

[Anonymous No.11905168]

She said I could take nothing with me.

[Anonymous No.11905178]

The scents of my early teens were barbequed lamb and burning buildings. We couldn’t admit that paradise was provisional, that our heaven on earth was turning into hell, a hell we would have to flee. Lime sorbet tastes of immeasurable loss.

[Anonymous No.11905198]

Thirteen dead cats lay strewn in a pentagram pattern adorned with what appeared to by wet white paint.
The dedective decided he had seen enough, then seeing an open window, an oppertunity.

[Anonymous No.11905221]

>>11905168

Nice.

[The Lord No.11905233]

>>11893953
It was the summer of 1865 when that first tumbleweed rolled through town.

[Anonymous No.11905257]

David Bowie, Bob Dylan, Sans from Undertale.

[Anonymous No.11905320]

>>11905145
Thank you fren, I took them from the dictionary

[Anonymous No.11905403]

>>11903848
Fake and gay

[Anonymous No.11905496]

>>11895712

This is the opening narration of a coming of age film set in 1997 about a young man coming to terms with the loss of his father when a car smashed through their front room window a few years before.

[Anonymous No.11905539]

>>11896886
>/lit/ thinks this is good

This is on the same level as those embarrassing reddit writing prompts.

[Anonymous No.11905556]

I greeted the doctor with a cracking voice, he looked down at me and my cotton sheet covering my legs from the clinical cold. He shook my hand with tactful delicacy that still made my joints ache. As he sat down I could see the city outside the window and all it's lights guiding happy and sad and forgetful people to places I'd never get to go.

[Anonymous No.11905565]

Not only was he born on September 11th 2001; he also had the misfortune of being born ginger.

[Anonymous No.11905645]

One hand lazily traced lines in the dirt while the other drummed a familiar rhythm on the half-buried root of a small tree. She wasn't conscious of either action as her mind wandered down the hill then up the river toward the forest that from this distance looked like a single large bush. The girl yawned, more bored than tired, then stood, stretched, and took a few steps around the trunk she had been leaning against, taking care not to disturb her earthen art. She hummed the tune now, a song her mother had sung her too many times to count since as long as she could remember. As she paced about the tree her almond brown eyes seemed to take in all the view had to offer. She was trying to keep her mind off the forest or, at least, trying to convince herself she was trying to keep her mind off it.

[Anonymous No.11905654]

>>11894268
This is like a writing assignment I would have turned in in fourth grade. My teachers hated me

[Anonymous No.11905692]

I pulled my cock out of his urethra and the sound of our harmonious ecstasy reverberated in the air.

[Anonymous No.11905844]

>Can you imagine sumo wrestlers existing anywhere outside of the ring, perhaps shopping or putting up shelves or performing some other mundane task? I can't, it just doesn't seem possible. I wonder when I exist.

[Anonymous No.11905874]

I can't believe someone actually requested wonderwall.

[Anonymous No.11906315]

"Hey Jason, what do you call it when the prostate exam ends?" Elli always nudged me in the arm and lowered his head as if to whisper when he told his jokes. "Dirty pop! Ahahaha!!" his laughter was solid, raspy and infectious and dominated the clicks and taps around the office, which now floated here and there in his absence.

[Anonymous No.11906707]

>>11896886
lol

[Anonymous No.11906711]

Fug, took too long to read all these 1/2
>>11893990
5.5/10
>>11894005
5/10
>>11894153
2/10
>>11894167
2.5/10
>>11894185
4/10
>>11894268
4.25/10
>>11894339
4/10
>>11894408
4/10
>>11894411
5.5/10
>>11894420
5/10
>>11894437
4.75/10
>>11894453
4.5/10
>>11894454
5.333/10
>>11894477
3/10
>>11894511
4.75/10
>>11894523
5.7/10
>>11894605
4/10
>>11895361
4.99/10
>>11895638
5.5/10
>>11895661
4.9/10
>>11895667
-10/10
>>11895669
5.75/10
>>11895673
2.9/10
>>11895685
4/10
>>11895700
>>11895707
Meme/10
>>11895712
Sienfeld/10
>>11895713
5.39/10
>>11895738
5.75/10
>>11895769
-10/10
>>11895771
2/10
>>11895776
3.5/10

[Anonymous No.11906721]

Albert looked up from the newspaper, red-faced, bulldoggish, uncomprehendingly impetuous; with the jowls of his second neck jiggling in indignation and his balding head polished to a murderous sheen: he said to himself, his beady eyes glistening with hatred, "it was the Jews, wasn't it."

[Anonymous No.11906724]

>>11895783
4/10
>>11895821
2/10
>>11895899
4/10
>>11896047
4.25/10
>>11896379
2/10
>>11896664
4.99/10
>>11896874
3.675/10
>>11896886
5.2/10
>>11896899
3/10
>>11897478
2.9/10
>>11897596
3.25/10
>>11897606
3.25/10
>>11897622
4/10
>>11897633
-10/10
>>11897664
3/10
>>11897673
2.99/10
>>11897726
2.678/10
>>11897739
2.85/10
>>11897761
3.85/10
>>11897894
4/10
>>11898073
3/10
>>11898075
4.5/10
>>11898155
4.25/10
>>11898284
5/10
>>11898300
5/10
>>11898330
3/10
>>11898344
3/10
>>11899012
4/10
>>11899066
3/10
>>11899083
3.5/10
>>11899143
5.5/10
>>11899652
4/10
>>11900172
4/10
>>11900198
3.75/10
>>11900253
4.358/10
>>11900267
4.25/10
>>11900291
3.78/10
>>11900308
10/10 jk 3/10
>>11900313
2.7/10
>>11900355
3.5/10
>>11900360
3.9/10
>>11900408
>>11900423
Meme/10
>>11900998
2/10
>>11901190
3.8/10
>>11901209
3/10
>>11901319
3.75/10
>>11902649
5/10
>>11902664
4/10
>>11902670
2.9/10
>>11903021
1/10

[Anonymous No.11906727]

>>11906721
jowls of his second *chin jiggling

I can't get nuttin right the first go.

[Anonymous No.11906732]

>>11903848
3.9/10
>>11904193
4.999/10
>>11904242
2/10
>>11904739
2/10
>>11904877
5/10
>>11904997
5/10
>>11905130
3/10
>>11905168
5/10
>>11905178
4.5/10
>>11905198
3/10
>>11905233
4.9/10
>>11905556
5/10
>>11905565
3.2/10
>>11905645
4/10
>>11905692
2/10
>>11905844
3/10
>>11905874
3/10
>>11906315
4/10
>>11906721
3.5/10

[Anonymous No.11906739]

>>11896886
this is the hardest I have ever laughed on lit gj

[Anonymous No.11906742]

>>11905539
dude....you are not very smart

[Anonymous No.11906750]

Friends used to call him "The Niggest".

[Anonymous No.11906856]

>>11906732
Considering the highest score you gave is 5.75/10, thanks for the 5 mang

[Anonymous No.11906929]

>>11906732
I got a 5.

I Repeat I got a 5

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I GOT A 5 (FIVE)

[Anonymous No.11906975]

Looking back on it Harry Potter was about a guy coming out of the closest

[Anonymous No.11906996]

>>11905320
Ah, of course, I thought they looked familiar

[Anonymous No.11907005]

I thought I could handle it until they started taking them out.

[Anonymous No.11907045]

>>11905565
what a masterpiece.

[Anonymous No.11907105]

She is making the pancakes for her children again.

[Anonymous No.11907385]

>>11893953
Nevertheless, the young man woke to find himself somewhat obscure, indecency dealt him an honest blow in the bathroom mirror. Unpulchritudinous face besmeared with the eternal eczema of an incel. At least i have intellect, he thought.

[Anonymous No.11907519]

Suddenly I woke up

[Anonymous No.11908148]

Franco was uneducated in the intricacies of horology, and planned to never read about it, and he had never built, let alone touched, a miniature village but this middling indifference did little in deterring Franco’s queer admiration for watches, miniatures, and many other things; because he truly believed any creation of master workmanship deserved rapt attention and honest praise.

[Anonymous No.11908186]

>>11908148
It's overwritten but I kind of like it

[Anonymous No.11909194]

>>11908148
actually good

[shouldIbecomeatripfag !gid88oxCtg No.11909293]

The newly anointed tripfag decided to make one more post to provoke everyone reading the comments.

[Anonymous No.11909303]

The letter arrived on an otherwise uneventful Wednesday morning.

[Anonymous No.11909309]

The jawn met the jawn at the jawn the other jawn and had a jawn.

[Anonymous No.11909316]

It was the kind of murder song that didn't make sense.

[Anonymous No.11909320]

>>11893953
Intersectionalists are like scientists, that is, they resemble barbarians at the gates of Rome, or at least they would, were we not already living amongst its ruins.

r8 prose rhythm pls

[Anonymous No.11909340]

The great fat man heaved his enormous bulk through the creaking entrance of the saloon.

[Anonymous No.11910653]

>>11909320
Eminem should sing it. Not bad at all.