/lit/ - Literature

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188695]

She lived alone in that house, that house which she had grown up in. It was a war-zone; hardly a clean dish in the kitchen nor a clean garment in the laundry room. The room, in which she slept, however, sparkled. Her silver flute lay in it’s case and numerous books filled the selves. They were arranged in alphabetical order by the author's last name and they had all been read. "Everything else is taken care of, might as well read" was a common thought that entered this woman's head.
She needn't have a job, for her father was a rich man, so time was a cheap commodity to which she never paid any attention to. The only set schedule in her life was the daily walks she would take in the early afternoon and would often be gone for several hours. It wasn't uncommon for her to stay out until the sun went down.
"It's so lovely and nice, when the sun has gone to sleep, and there is that 8 or so minute gap of light that still is traveling towards me. That is the best time of day." was a common thought that entered this woman's head.
She had walked around her whole town and knew every street, every sign, and every building by sight.
"I don't much care for this neighborhood" or "Those decorations are so very tacky" were common thoughts that entered this woman's head.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188702]

Her headaches were due to the uneasiness of her soul, or so she thought. She thought that it was her soul punishing her for something, what she did not know, but always managed to block it out without ever taking pain killers.
"Pain is part of life, and I do not want to die. I will never take pills, never." was a common thought that entered this woman's head.
She had never known a man, nor had any conscious desire to, for her father had always warned her about the ways of men. He would say "All they want is to sleep with you and that is something you must never do." to her every day. At one time in her life she had questioned her father's demand but that time was long gone, for she was happy and needn't ruin it by destroying her life for a man.
"Father was a wise man." was a common thought that entered this woman's head.
Her own conclusions about men had been made within the scope of what she had been taught. "Sex is not only dangerous and foolish, but disgusting as well." and "They are called private parts for a reason!" were common thoughts that entered this woman's head.
On her walks she would often encounter other walkers too. She hated cars for she saw no use in them and always tried to take the sidewalks on the less busy roads. She saw the others with animals and children, cell phones and exercise uniforms. "Repugnant!" was a common thought that entered this woman's head.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188710]

And the humor, oh the humor she heard, did not ever in the least make her smile. Jokes about sex and jokes about farts and jokes about people she'd never heard of, what on earth. "Don't these clowns have anything better to do?" was a common thought that entered this woman's head.
"These people make no sense and are strange and rude. They speak gibberish and are always distressed. I am so glad not to be like them. I am so glad I am Me." she'd say out loud when she'd come home.
"I will sleep now and live in my dreams, my dreams which only I can have, my dreams which are only me...for that is all I need, for that I all I want...for that is all I need...for that is..." she thought as she drifted away.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188737]

:(

any comments?

[Anonymous No.1188748]

Are you not a native English speaker? If so I can forgive you for this story.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188755]

>>1188748
lol

:(

[Anonymous No.1188757]

Your writing style does not match up with my preferences, and it's a tad too colloquial for my tastes.

Also the thoughts sound fake and forced. Would I be correct in assuming you possess a penis?

Also you seem to fall into the apparent "new writer habit" of describing useless things. Like how the author of The Lovely Bones frequently (and without purpose) goes on random tangents describing eyes.

Keep writing though, you'll get better.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188769]

>>1188757
i was trying to make the thoughts sound weird and unnatural, that's the point.

what useless things? there's more than one layer here

thanks for your feed back

[Anonymous No.1188800]

>>1188769
My bad, upon reading it again, I suppose nothing is overtly useless, it at least ties into another sentence, but I prefer to stick to the "if you aren't going to use it or do something with it, don't mention it" rule.

But you do repeat "was a common thought that entered this woman's head." I have a pet peeve for repeating things.

[Anonymous No.1188807]

>It was a war-zone; hardly a clean dish in the kitchen nor a clean garment in the laundry room.
This is not how you use a semicolon.
>The room, in which she slept, however, sparkled.
This is a horribly constructed sentence.

Your mechanics are awful. Delete this thread and edit your story on your own for two weeks. Every day, reread and rewrite this sucker. Once you've changed everything you think you can possibly change, come back here for critique if you really think it will help.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188813]

>>1188800
style and it's another layer kinda

also i was trying to write something that was calming and repetition seemed to just be natural

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188818]

>>1188807
lets call it post modern

i cant really concern myself with mechanics right now.

[Anonymous No.1188830]

>>1188818
This is why you will write terrible things and only ever "publish" them on /lit/.

Post-modern is not the same as"I am incapable of forming a coherent sentence or using punctuation properly."

sage because you are shitting on the board with your word vomit. If you want critique that's one thing. If you say, "I don't have time for mechanics right now. I'm too busy trolling 4chan with my idiocy" that's something else.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188833]

>>1188830
lol

how are you so uptight? do you have a writers block? i'm asking for critiques on the whole story. the mechanics come last in how i do things.

jesus christ bro lol nic pic

[Anonymous No.1188839]

>>1188833
When you write like a fourth grader who has just learned to type, there is nothing to critique.

sage for obvious troll.

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188845]

>>1188839
i typed fine in my story and that's what the is about.

i think you're jealous

[STORY I WROTE HOPE YOU LIKE IT No.1188869]

bump because it's not a troll thread

this guy was able to get it. well the main part anyway at least.
>>1188800
>>1188757

[Anonymous No.1189012]

Sorry OP couldn't make it past the first sentence wherein "that house, that house" just made me sad inside, let alone be bothered to read the whole thing. Read more books then get back to us in seven or eight years.

[Anonymous No.1189035]

>>1189012
that is completely meaningless. why did you even bother to post?

[Anonymous No.1189055]

>>1189035

To bother people such as yourself.

[Anonymous No.1189101]

Overall, this isn't very good.

If you want to be "post-modern" then fine, but learn your mechanics first. All good writers know their mechanics. They know how to use punctuation. They know how to construct a sentence and add dramatic elements into those sentences.

You can't be a good writer until you understand the mechanics of writing. You can be a good thinker, but not a good writer.

[Anonymous No.1189226]

That first sentence was brutal; I stopped reading immediately thereafter.

[Anonymous No.1189336]

"i cant really concern myself with mechanics right now."

Then why should we concern ourselves to read this?!

[Anonymous No.1189347]

Wow. This shit is terrible.