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/lit/ - Literature

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1184633 No.1184633 [Reply] [Original]

here's a few poems i've recently written. i'd like some feedback from people that will be brutally honest. so i guess rip me a new one if needed.

:detached:
detached and ever so far away
senses dulled and grown numb
no longer able to read
nor perceive the world around
a hollow shell of memories that mean nothing
a hollow shell fixated on past and pain
running on a ruined heart
and faith that never seemed to be
racing against time
for what is unknown
for love, for happiness,
for contentment

a world of bodies rushes by
a world that doesn't understand

confined within few
and within few been burned
waiting and wondering
begin to take toll
as days turn to years
and nights alone resemble eternity
where are you?
and why aren't you here?
like a child
foolish and scared
i gave away everything
and gained nothing in the end

:fall:
a smell of death fills brisk air
and rushes into my lungs
the sky turns ever more gray
while nature slowly fades away
leaves so lush and full of life
begin to wilt and eventually take flight
lifted up by an ice cold gust
only to crash upon an ice cold crust
birds sing their goodbyes
while our love fades and dies
our hands once clasped so tight
now cold and alone in dead of night
your warmth i shall no longer feel
as the layers of lies begin to peel

:she:
her beauty i cannot describe
it always brings me to a smile
when she sends me a smile
i respond with one, ten times more
her eyes pierce through walls
of my pain plagued mind
and her every breath
fills me with temptation and desire
my feelings for her
i cannot find words
but i can always hear them
screaming inside my head
to hold her in my arms
is to hold an angel
a feeling of warmth
that is ever immeasurable
lost in myself
she has set me free
free of my own destruction
free of my insanity

>> No.1184642

alliterations and rhymes seem forced. Tone is boring. There doesn't really seem to be anything that makes this poetry here.

theres another thread where a few anons posted their works, you might want to check those out

>> No.1184643
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1184643

>> No.1184655

lol. thanks for the feedback. was trying to go for some sort of free verse style on the first and third. i don't normally write poems and thought i'd give it a try.

>> No.1184662

>>1184655
Honestly, it reads like a typical 16-year journal-entry-after-a-breakup poem. There's nothing particularly poetic or novel. It's just grim dark and uninteresting.

Good job actually finishing a poem, but you need to practice a lot more. After you've written something, lock it in a drawer and come back to it a week later. Read it over and see if you still like it. Rewrite it without looking at the original. Do this week after week. Only then will you have a poem worth posting.

>> No.1184664
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1184664

>>1184655

I don't always write poetry; but when I do, I do it like a faggot would.

>> No.1184673

>>1184662
This. Give everything you do time.

>> No.1184677

>>1184664
i loled for 30 minutes

>> No.1184702

i will definitely lock these away and maybe come back to them. they were just kind of thrown together and not much thought put forth. as for the grim and dark, that's how i was feeling at the time. my only background in writing has been lyrics, research papers and D&D campaigns. thanks again for the feedback.

loled at>>1184664

>> No.1184725

kut yoself and die emo muthafukka

>> No.1184731
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1184731

Bad poetry
Oh Noetry!