/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.1168678]

Excuse me, gentlemen, I was merely hoping that you could recommend the worst, trashiest novel you have ever read.

Extra points if you felt like scum just taking it to the register or placing the order.

My own recommend is Anonymous Rex.

[Kimmo Alm !!TAPh5M5QXV0 No.1168682]

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell


Borrowed it from a friend. I regret nothing.

[Anonymous No.1168683]

The Da Vinci Code.

[Anonymous No.1168693]

>>1168678
Anything by Bret Easton Ellis (I bought them all sans American Psycho, I borrowed it and thought it was too trashy, even for me), Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, Palahnuiks Choke and Coraline/other stories by Gaiman.

That was a while ago now though. The last book I bought was One Hundred Years of Solitude and the girl at the counter said "That's a really good book" and smiled at me.

[Anonymous No.1168695]

Those of you who haunt /x/ probably know about Indigo Children by now. This book is about them.

[Anonymous No.1168697]

In after Da Vinci Code. Also, anything by Pierce Anthony. After I read the first chapter of Tyrant of Jupiter (or something like that) I could never borrow anything by him without feeling like a pervy loser.

[Ambassador D'Vinn !!X2oGg5TpEPB No.1168698]

What's that "Gamer Gurlz" book they always use to induce rage over in /v/? That.

[Anonymous No.1168701]

>>1168695
What? Really?
Will I finally see what's behind Indigo Children if I read that?

I'LL TAKE 5

[Anonymous No.1168704]

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, by Jacqueline Susann. Oh seriously. It doesn't get much better-worse than that. But it's so good it's bad.

"Oh Neely, you know how bitchy fags can be!"
"Ted Casablanca is not a fag, and I'm the dame that can prove it!"

[Anonymous No.1168709]

>>I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

That is hands down the worst piece of shit I ever read in my life. I wrote a parody of it, about Tucker Max getting assraped. But seriously why does anyone buy a book like that? Why does anyone publish it?

[Anonymous No.1168723]

>>1168709
>I wrote a parody of it, about Tucker Max getting assraped.

Post it?

[Anonymous No.1168725]

>>1168693
>she wants to fuck

[Anonymous No.1168729]

I don't know why I bought it. I've never actually finished any Tomb Raider game. Oh and I went to cinema to see the movie. Oh well... I think I was young, stupid and horny.

inb4
>was

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1168736]

>>1168709
Its basically the male version of Chicklit.

[Anonymous No.1168741]

>>1168736
Any book on hunting written by this man is what I first thought of when I read "male version of Chicklit". I realize now you may not have ment what I thought you ment.

[Anonymous No.1168744]

>I wrote a parody of it, about Tucker Max getting assraped.
>Post it?

It's kinda long, you sure?

[Anonymous No.1168749]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Iron_Dream

On second thought, it was actually quite enjoyable.

[Anonymous No.1168750]

>>1168744
If I read that fanfiction about Seven of Nine having a lesbian scat orgy with two ensigns then I can handle a long story about assrape. I would have recommended that if it had been novel length.

As the OP, I give you leave if you want to post it. If not, its cool.

[Anonymous No.1168758]

>>1168750

Since you're the OP, and since you asked nicely, I'll post it. :D

[Anonymous No.1168759]

THIS IS WHAT THEY SERVE IN HELL INSTEAD OF BEER


Okay, look, I’m normally not the type to kiss and tell.

But there’s one sexual experience that I really would like to tell you about.

Because I’ve noticed lately that there’s lots of, like, fratboys and mooks and mouthbreathers and knuckledraggers and guys who think of themselves as not only “straight” but “awesome,” who like to go around bragging about their sexual conquests, mostly to each other.

You know the type.

And that strikes me as a little creepy. Because usually it’s a room full of fratboys listening to one fratboy, who says “Dude, have I ever told you about the time I fucked a fat chick?”

And then all the fratboys bond over making fun of some woman who, whatever her weight or looks or personality, undoubtedly deserves better treatment at the hands of men than these assholes would ever be capable of giving her.

*

So. I’m not the type to kiss and tell—and on certain occasions, my motto is something more like “don’t kiss, don’t tell”—but seriously, I do have to tell you this one story.

So imagine you’re a fratboy, in a room full of fratboys, and you’re all listening to me.

And I say, “Dude, have I ever told you about the time I fucked a fratboy?”

Because this is a totally true story, bro.

And I think you ought to hear it.

*

[Anonymous No.1168765]

I was with my girlfriend at the time, who was a superhot Freudian analyst.

I mean, if you’re talking on a scale of one to ten, where, like, Sandra Bullock is maybe a seven or an eight, and Lindsay Lohan is a drunk nine, and Dr Anna Freud is like a six only because her dad was Sigmund Freud and you could really brag about that afterwards, whereas Dr Melanie Klein is maybe a six but you’d probably be best off avoiding fucking her, because seriously, dude, you don’t want to get Dr Melanie Klein knocked up, considering the kind of horrifying things she has to say about infant psychology—I mean, just read her writings, man, you will see what I mean, they are like the most convincing form of birth control that I’ve ever read—and like, okay, if Megan Fox is a ten?

I mean, I personally happen to believe that Megan Fox is a drunk nine and Lindsay Lohan is a perfect ten, but that’s just my opinon.

In any case, you know what I’m talking about, bro. Cause you’ve probably done this. You look at a chick and you assign a numerical value, from one to ten, based on her looks. Where one is, like, Wolf Ugly, you know, you wake up next to her with your arm pinned underneath her, and you’d rather chew your own arm off like a wolf escaping a steel-trap than wake her up and have to exchange phone numbers. And ten is, like, Megan Fox if you’re an idiot, or Lindsay Lohan if you’re me, or Helen of Troy if you’re an ancient Greek, and considering that the ancient Greeks were all fags, you gotta think to yourself, whoa, how hot must Helen of Troy have been, if even a bunch of fags thought she was a perfect ten?

Well, in this case, my girlfriend, who was a superhot Freudian analyst, was definitely an eleven.

*

[Anonymous No.1168766]

This seems appropriate.

[Anonymous No.1168770]

Anyway, my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend—whose name I’m not going to give you, because I don’t kiss and tell, so I’ll just refer to her as “Dr Jokasta Wieseltier”—and I were on vacation in South Florida, for reasons that escape me.

And one night, we were at a bar-slash-restaurant, just across the street from our hotel, and there was this drunk fratboy there.

And you could tell that he clearly thought he was hot shit. He was hitting on every woman with a pair of tits and a pulse, not that any of them were allowing him to get close enough to grope the pair or take the pulse. Because he was drunk, and he was a fratboy. And the only kind of woman who would have sex with a man like that would have to be seriously maladjusted, or an emotional masochist, or desperate, or all three.

And my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend was none of these things. Neither were any of the other girls in the bar, it would seem. Because the fratboy was striking out every time.

I turned to my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend and said to her, “Hey, gorgeous. You’ve undergone Freudian analysis, right?”

She sighed huskily and said, “Terminable or interminable?”

“Both, if necessary,” I quipped.

“You know downright well that I had to undergo Freudian analysis to become a Freudian analyst, stud.”

“Yeah, I know, I was working up to something here.”

“What?” she said, her full ripe breasts heaving as she sipped her Cosmopolitan.

“Can you remind me what Freud said about men who have a Don Juan complex?”

She moistened her lips with her pert perfect tongue, put down her Cosmopolitan, and sighed. “It wasn’t Freud. It was Otto Fenichel, who was admittedly a Freudian, in his meisterstück The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis.”

“Well, what does Fenichel say about Don Juan?”

[Anonymous No.1168772]

“He says, of the ‘Don Juan’ type of hypersexuality—what you might call a “serial seducer”—that his sexual activities are primarily designed to contradict an inner feeling of inferiority by proof of erotic ‘successes’. But of course after he fucks a chick, he can’t be interested in her, because fucking her hasn’t solved his sense of deep inferiority and unworthiness. So, Fenichel says, and I quote, an unconsciously homosexual man, for example, may be aroused by sexual contact with women but not satisfied; he then vainly seeks satisfaction in more and more sexual activity.”

“Whoa,” I said. “It really gets me hot that you can quote Fenichel’s Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis from memory, just like that.”

“You’re not the first man to say that to me,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

I took a sip of Guiness, then mopped the foam from my upper lip with a cocktail napkin. “So does that mean that, Freudianly speaking, the Don Juan complex is basically repressed homosexuality?”

“Sort of,” she said, blasé. “Fenichel sees it as basically an Oedipus complex of a particular kind, pervaded by narcissistic needs and tinged with sadistic impulses.”

“In other words?”

“In other words, his desire to have sex with a woman is wrapped up in a desire to maintain his own desperately damaged self-esteem, which—Fenichel argues—is proved by his readiness to develop sadistic reactions if the overpowering need to prop up his own fragile narcissism is not satisfied by the sexual encounter. Which, of course, it never is. That’s why this type of guy is so uninterested in a girl’s personality. It’s beside the point. He fucks because he hopes it will prove he’s not the weak and inferior person he secretly knows himself to be.”

[Anonymous No.1168773]

“So it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s, like, a repressed homosexual.”

“Well, considering that most guys with a Don Juan complex think that a weak and inferior guy is a faggot, then yes. He fucks a lot of girls because he’s trying to prove to himself that he’s not a faggot, when he secretly suspects that he is.”

“Hmm,” I mused. “Well, I’ve slept around a bit. Do you think I have this problem?”

Because at this point we had been going out for over six months, my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend was willing to venture an interpretation.

“Of course not! You take an interest in a woman’s personality. I think that’s proof that you don’t suffer from the Don Juan complex. And anyway” (here she paused and took a sip of her Cosmopolitan) “you’re perfectly well-adjusted. You can trust me. I’m a Freudian analyst.”

“Perfectly well-adjusted?”

“Of course. I noticed it the first time I ever met you. Why do you think I’m dating you?”

“Wow. I feel so objectified.”

“How do you think I’ve felt all my life, with this perfect hourglass figure, and these pert breasts with nipples like luscious bing cherries, and this cascade of gorgeous shiny shoulder-length hair?”

“I see your point,” I said, taking a quick gulp of my Guinness. “But what does that mean, I’m perfectly well-adjusted? Didn’t Freud say that all people were, uh, inherently bisexual?”

Giving a playful toss to her shoulder-length hair, she said, “He sure did. That’s why I made all those super-hot lesbian porn videos before I decided to become a Freudian analyst. Plus, the money was pretty good.”

“It sure paid for those years you spent as an analysand of Dr Adam Philips at the Tavistock Clinic in London, while training to become a Freudian analyst.”

“It sure did.”

[Anonymous No.1168778]

I took another gulp of my Guinness as she sipped her Cosmo. We both paused a moment in thought.

“But I’ve never, like, had sex with a guy.”

“Have you ever wanted to?”

“Not particularly. But do you think from a Freudian perspective, if I’m inherently bisexual and also perfectly well-adjusted, that means that maybe I should try it?”

“I think you need to think about why you’re asking me that,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

“I’m not asking you as a Freudian analyst, I’m asking you as my girlfriend. I mean, maybe I’m not living up to my full potential, experiencing everything that is available for me to experience without getting some kind of Freudian complex about it. Et cetera.”

“Well, as Sandor Ferenczi once remarked to Freud, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

“Exactly!” I said. “I mean, maybe I should try it just once. Is that what Ferenczi was talking to Freud about? Having sex with another guy?”

“No, when Ferenczi said to Freud ‘don’t knock it till you’ve tried it,’ I suspect he was referring to the idea of disagreeing with Freudian dogmatism.”

“Oh,” I said. “Did Freud ever try that?”

“Not really,” she said, and took another sip of her Cosmo.

[Anonymous No.1168779]

It was at this moment when the drunk fratboy happened to catch sight of my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

And seriously, dude, he was like the Millennium Falcon caught in the tractor beam of her Death Star, if by “Death Star” you mean “flawless zero-gravity boobs.” He was, like, magnetically drawn along the bar towards her. He didn’t seem to notice that I was sitting there.

I whispered to my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, “He’s going to hit on you.”

She whispered back to me, “He’s hit on every other girl in here, and they all turned him down. Does he really think he has a chance with me?”

“No, I think he’s just suffering from what a Freudian analyst might diagnose as a Don Juan complex.”

“Yeah?” she said, grinning.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m a qualified Freudian analyst, and I happen to agree with you.” Then she chuckled to herself, which was very sexy, and which was also very unusual, because qualified Freudian analysts may do a lot of things, but “chuckle” is not usually one of them. Then she kicked back the rest of her Cosmo, and said to me: “How would you like to explore your sexuality, and have a good laugh while you’re at it?”

Feigning shock, I said to my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, “Dr Jokasta Wieseltier, what are you suggesting?”

“I think you know exactly what I’m suggesting.”

“Are you talking about…” and here I lowered my voice to the faintest whisper, “are you talking about Batman?”

“Mm-hmm,” she said, breezily, and deliberately clunked her empty martini glass down onto the bar.

“Oh bartender?” she called.

And I knew exactly what she was up to, because at this point the Drunk Fratboy came sloshing along the bar in a beeline for my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

[Anonymous No.1168782]

“Can I buy you a drink?” said the Drunk Fratboy.

“I don’t know. Can you?” she said, with all the seductively polymorphous perversity that Freud himself had exhibited in his Drei Abhandlung zur Sexualtheorie.

“I sure can,” said the Drunk Fratboy. “Not only is my Dad an extremely successful restaurateur in the South Florida region, with a number of successful bars and restaurants under his ownership and management, but I also happen to be a graduate of Duke Law School, and a New York Times bestselling author because of this book I wrote, which also got made into a movie?”

“Oh really,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend. “Would I have heard of it?”

“Probably not,” he admitted, accurately as it turned out, when he told her the title of his book and his movie.

“I’ve never heard of that. Or you.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve heard of my dad, because he’s a very successful restaurateur in the South Florida region, and this happens to be South Florida.”

“What do you think that means, that your dad is a very successful restaurateur in the South Florida region?” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, employing a therapeutic technique more commonly associated with Carl Rogers.

“What do you mean, what do I think it means? It means you’re standing in one of the restaurants my dad owns.”

“Am I?” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, with a sort of impassive froideur that was so analytically forbidding that it would have made Freud himself a little hot under the collar.

“What are you drinking?” he said. “Cosmo?”

“Why not,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

The drunk fratboy put two fingers in his mouth and whistled to catch the attention of the bartender, who came wearily trudging over.

[Anonymous No.1168787]

“What can I get you,” said the well-groomed if somewhat fey Latino bartender, who had clearly suffered through this routine a zillion times before.

“A Cosmo, please, Pablo, for my friend—I’m sorry, sweetheart,” and here he put his hand somewhat clumsily on the elbow of my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, and said to her, with all the politesse that a drunk superannuated fratboy can muster, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Jokasta. Dr Jokasta Wieseltier.”

“Pablo, could you get Jomamma a Cosmo? And another beer for me.”

Pablo trudged off to mix the Cosmopolitan and fill a pintglass with beer.

“So,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, “I thought you said your dad owns this place.”

“He does!” shouted the fratboy. “What, you think I’m bullshitting you?”

“Well,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, “you asked me if you could buy me a drink.”

“Yeah, and here comes Pablo with it right now.”

And indeed, Pablo was returning with a pintglass of beer in one hand, which he placed in front of the fratboy, and a Cosmopolitan in the other hand, which he placed on a cocktail napkin in front of my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

“Thanks Pablo,” said the fratboy.

“De nada,” said Pablo, wearily, and went off to serve some actual customers.

My superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend picked up the Cosmopolitan, took a sip, and looked at the fratboy with a steely gaze. “But if your dad owns the place, you didn’t really buy me a drink, did you.”

“Uh, what do you mean,” said the fratboy.

[Anonymous No.1168788]

“I mean, where I come from, it’s customary to leave a tip of at least one dollar per drink for the bartender.”

“Where do you come from?” asked the fratboy, incredulous.

“New York City,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, which—if he had known she was a Freudian analyst—he probably would have been able to guess, even though he was intoxicated, and a fratboy, and clearly not very bright.

The fratboy leaned in towards her, giving a sort of leer.

“I didn’t know they had girls as beautiful as you in New York City, Jemima” he said.

I was, of course, sitting on a barstool on the other side of her, and I could smell his breath from there. And I’m no biochemist, but from the smell of his breath I’d estimate he had a blood alcohol content of at least .5, and that’s bearing in mind that a blood alcohol content of .08 is considered the legal definition of intoxication in either the state of Florida or the state of New York, a blood alcohol content of .15 or above brings extra penalties with it in Florida, and a blood alcohol content of .4 is thought by doctors to be invariably fatal.

“They don’t. According to all the guys in New York City that I’ve fucked up one wall and down the other. Every single one of them said to me, Dr Jokasta Wieseltier, you are easily the foxiest girl I’ve ever seen in New York City, or New York State, or the universe.”

“I can see why,” said the fratboy, staring at her cleavage.

“One guy even said I was the Megan Foxiest girl he’d ever had amazing mindblowing heterosexual sex with. He said I was like Megan Fox in Transformers. He said he felt transformed by the experience of hot, wet, sexual intercourse with me. Dr Jokasta Wieseltier.”

“No shit,” said the fratboy, with his jaw hanging open and a thin streamer of drool trailing, like a spider slowly descending from his lower lip.

[Anonymous No.1168789]

“How would you like me to show you what a New York City girl likes to do in bed,” she said to him breathlessly. “I’ve got a room in the hotel across the street.”

“Are you inviting me back to your room, Jezebella?” asked the fratboy, with a somewhat lewd expectancy in his voice.

“Yes I am,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

“Whoa,” said the fratboy. “I’ll be honest with you, Jessica. It’s usually not this easy.”

“Neither am I,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend. “What can I say? I just think I could teach you a thing or two.”

“I bet you could,” said the fratboy, “only—I gotta take a wicked piss.”

“It’s okay. Run to the little boys’ room. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He looked at her quizzically for a moment and said, “You know what, babe? I’m gonna run to the men’s room. Actually.”

“I bet you are,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, and we both watched as the fratboy staggered off towards the door marked Hombres.

*

[Anonymous No.1168796]

(is anyone reading this? should i post the rest? or not bother?)

[Anonymous No.1168801]

>>1168796
I've read it. I have no idea what you mean by "Freudian analyst" but I'm really just in it for the assrape of a guy I dont know and probably wouldnt like to know.

[Anonymous No.1168802]

>>1168789
Cool story. I'm serious, really cool story so far.

The idiot, asshole, drunken frat-boy needs to sound more so, however; he is talking exactly like your sober, sophisticated, and super-intelligent protagonists right now.

[Anonymous No.1168814]

At this point my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend turned to me and said, “So? What do you think?”

“He’s not really my type,” I admitted.

“Is he anybody’s?” she said.

“Well, I don’t think I’d be able to pop a boner for that creep.”

“Agreed. But you know I have an M.D. in psychiatry in addition to being a Freudian analyst. So I prescribed some Viagra for myself before we took our vacation, just in case we wanted some. You’ll find it in the little ‘Hello Kitty’ bag that’s packed in my Vuitton duffel.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

“Did you pack your costume?”

“Of course I did.”

“Have you got your room-key?”

I checked in my pocket to make sure, then said “Yeah.”

“Then head back to the room, get ready, and hide in the bathroom. We’ll be up there soon enough.”

At this point, I noticed the fratboy staggering out of the men’s room, and weaving his way back towards my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

“Go on,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend to me. “Scoot. And don’t forget to set up the video camera.”

[Anonymous No.1168822]

The Shining.

[Anonymous No.1168828]

I made a beeline for the front door of the bar, looked both ways for traffic, sprinted across the street, and headed for our hotel. I took the elevator up to the floor where our suite was located, and swiped the keycard.

I tried to hurry, because I know my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend would not take long to get here with the fratboy.

I opened her Vuitton duffel and found the Hello Kitty! bag, which contained the Viagra. I popped two, just for luck, then grabbed the digital video camera and my Batman costume, and went into the en suite bathroom to get ready.

*

The rest of the evening was memorable to say the least.

I was dressed and hiding in the bathroom and had set up the digital video camera at the perfect angle, and just waiting for my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend to bring Tucker Max (for that was the frat boy’s name) back to the hotel room.
“Whoa,” he said, “Nice hotel room you got here.”

“Why don’t you get undressed, Tucker?” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend. “I hope you don’t mind it if things get kind of…kinky.”

From the bathroom I could see a look of mute stupefied concupiscence on Tucker’s face.

[Anonymous No.1168829]

>>1168814
Hot bisexual sex time? I hope so.

It might not hurt to come up with another name for "Super-hot Freudian Analyst Girlfriend." It's starting to wear on me. lol sorry bro :P

[Anonymous No.1168838]

>>1168828

More detailed descriptions! You're going to need 'em :P

Also, your male protagonist might be in for a rough night after taking two Viagra :(

[Anonymous No.1168842]

The novelization of Snakes on a Plane was pretty good.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1168846]

>>1168842
Was it written by Samuel L Jackson?

[Anonymous No.1168848]

>>1168846
Made me smile to think of that.

[Anonymous No.1168849]

“Kinky how?” he finally slurred. “Like, uh, up the butt?”

“Been there, done that, tipped the waiter,” yawned my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend. “I was thinking something more along the lines of…”

And here she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs. She swung them in front of Tucker’s eyes, like a parlor hypnotist with a pocketwatch, and waited for his reaction.

He giggled. “Uh, yeah, sure, why not,” he said. “I mean, I just want you to know, I’m totally capable of like totally dominating you in bed without handcuffing you to anything,” he said.

“That’s not really what I had in mind,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, who then swiftly kneed Tucker Max in the balls, shoved him face down onto the bed, and handcuffed him to the steel frame headboard with the fuzzy pink handcuffs. Then with brisk efficiency she began to undo his belt and pull off his Edd Hardy jeans and his Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1168867]

>>1168849
My pants... they grow tight.

[Anonymous No.1168871]

“Jesus fuck!” screamed Tucker Max, “what are you doing?”

“Oh Tucker, you magnificent bastard,” chuckled my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, “I’ve read your blog..”

“You have?” he said, with an almost poignant need for validation, then said, “So what?”

“Well, you wrote it. Doesn’t it say on the front page: ‘My name is Tucker Max and I am an asshole’?”

“Yeah, but—”

“But what? Surely you realize that, when you act like an asshole, Tucker, someone’s bound to come along and sodomize you eventually.”

[Anonymous No.1168874]

>>1168871
:D

[Anonymous No.1168883]

>>1168871
Shit's gettin' real. Real hot.

also,
>"Surely you realize that, when you act like an asshole someone’s bound to come along and sodomize you eventually.”

Quotable quote detected.

[Anonymous No.1168906]

bump for glory.

people must see this on page one.

[Anonymous No.1168917]

“Yeah, well, it’s not gonna be you,” snarled Tucker Max. “Even if you do have a strap on or something.”

“No, it’s not going to be me,” she sighed.

“So undo these fucking handcuffs, cause I’m like seriously not into this shit.”

“Oh Tucker,” she purred, and reached into her purse to pull out a slim vial of Wet Platinum lubricant. “Neither am I, really. Have you ever heard of the Golden Rule?”

“The what?”

“You know….do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I figured you never heard of it.” Then she chucked the vial of lube across the room. “I guess that means we’re doing this without lube.”

“What’s this ‘we’ shit?” shouted Tucker Max. “WE are not doing anything.”

“Well, I’m not doing anything,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend. “Except watching.”

“Watching what?” said Tucker Max, “Look, just unlock these handcuffs, or I’m gonna start shouting.”

“And who’s going to hear you? Or help you? Seriously.”

Her voice had such a steely froideur that clearly Tucker Max realized now that she was utterly serious, and she had no intention of unshackling his wrists.

At this point he did the only thing he could do, which was to give a small strangled cry of “Help!”

At which point I threw open the bathroom door, and stood there in my Batman costume, with my Viagra-induced erection straining upwards.

“Who the fuck are you?” said Tucker Max.

“What the fuck does it look like?” I said. “I’m the motherfucking Batman.”

[Anonymous No.1168930]

>“But what? Surely you realize that, when you act like an asshole, Tucker, someone’s bound to come along and sodomize you eventually.”

I was scrolling past the story because it just sounded stupid, but dear fuck I lol'd and now I'm reading the rest,

[Anonymous No.1168934]

>>1168917
I just imagined Adam West with no pants and a raging boner.

I lol'd.

Do continue OP.

[Anonymous No.1168938]

pic related

The Novel! Based on the Game! Based on the movie! Inspired by the other movie! Based on the novel!

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1168939]

>>1168917
Oh god.
This will be archived.
THIS MUST BE ARCHIVED.

[Anonymous No.1168948]

>>1168917
>>1168917
Archive this epicness. Batman is about to butt rape a drunk frat boy. It's like a dream come true.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1168959]

>>1168948
Not just any drunken frat boy, THE drunken frat boy.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1168965]

>>1168948
why? is this the best you can do to get back at them? fap over a fantasy of sodomizing them? this is just as pathetic as the other fantasy books you read.

brb out to get drink & have sex with a real man while you all circlejerk over raping him.

[Anonymous No.1168989]

*

Now I don’t know if Freud was right about people being innately bisexual.

What I do know is that Tucker Max squealed like a fucking bitch when I began to force my erect cock into his ass, with nothing for lubrication except the pearly drop of precum that glistened at the tip of my erection.

And honestly, I’m not being sexist when I say Tucker Max squealed like a fucking bitch. I mean, my girlfriend was sitting there watching the whole thing, and it’s not sexist if I say that she laughed like a drunk fratboy watching as I grabbed Tucker by the back of the head—which was not easy, for a straight guy he certainly uses a lot of product in his hair—and forced his face into the pillow while I fucked him. I fucked him like he was in my way and I was trying to break through to the other side. I fucked him like it was my fucking job, like a machine made out of meat aimed like a piston at his prostate. I fucked him like he was a human sex-toy, designed and manufactured for this one purpose only, to be violated and mocked, to be split in half and then have his vulnerability salted with hot seed. I fucked him like I was hammering home an argument, a point, that if this was inevitable, then Tucker Max might as well learn how to enjoy it. I could feel as the involuntary muscular contractions of his anus gradually subsided, not out of resignation, or exhaustion, but out of the realization that, well, he was kind of enjoying this.

Or at least that’s what I figured when it was Tucker Max—and not me—who said “Oh my god, I think I’m gonna cum.”

[10/10 !!YiXWwQ25gzz No.1168993]

Naked Lunch

[Anonymous No.1168994]

>>1168965
I would be a little more pissed if you hadn't previously outed yourself as a "terrible troll" in another thread.

[Anonymous No.1168999]

>>1168965
>TyBrax
>getting a real man

[Anonymous No.1169002]

>>1168989
And I'm done! Thanks for the epic fap material, dude :) It was really well written, to boot.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169004]

>>1168994
sounds like you weren't here for the first week of /lit/.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169014]

>>1168999
i realy would go out & fuck a frat boy if I wasnt such a flaming lesbian.

NO ONE WANTS YOU FUCKING PRETENTIOUS GEEKY SHIT GO READ SOME DFW PLEBS

[Anonymous No.1169024]

>>1169014
Thanks for the free bumps for this awesome thread.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1169032]

Is that the end OP?

[Anonymous No.1169043]

>>1169032
I think it's over :(

It's a good ending, if you read it over again.

[Anonymous No.1169044]

That took me by surprise, but not so much as the long slow spasming of his ass clenching down on my prick, milking it, as I began to shoot too. Unsurprisingly, this was the first time that Tucker Max managed to achieve an orgasm at the same time as his partner. (Although typically he did start first.)

I pulled out and my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend gave me a wry smile, stood up, and unlocked the handcuffs.

Tucker Max looked at the floor and whispered something inaudible.

“What did you say?” asked my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend.

“Thank you, Batman,” he whispered, barely more audible.

“You’re welcome,” I said.

Meanwhile my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend was reaching into her purse, and pulled out three hundred dollar bills, which she threw onto Tucker’s lap.

“Here you go,” she said imperiously. “Go buy yourself a beer.”

And Tucker Max, weeping softly, pulled his Calvin Klein boxers back on, then pulled his Ed Hardy jeans on over them, then carefully folded the three hundred dollars and shoved it into his pocket, then rose wordlessly and staggered towards the door of the hotel room.

“And don’t forget to tip the bartender,” said my superhot Freudian analyst girlfriend, just before Tucker Max let the door shut behind him.

The End.

[Anonymous No.1169051]

>>1169044
>>1169044
k NOW it's over. You could have ended at the last post, but this last one made a nice tie-up :) "Thanks you, Batman," was funny as shit.

Spread this around, will you, dude? It's really good.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169056]

>>1169051
just because it makes you feel better about being bullied doesn't make it good.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1169057]

>>1169044
http://4chanarchive.org/

You all know what must be done.

[Anonymous No.1169062]

Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. It was ridiculously bad.

[Anonymous No.1169072]

>>1169056

uh tucker max bullies women. so how does this story make men feel better about being bullied?

[Anonymous No.1169085]

>>1169057

We COULD archive it....or else....

http://www.tuckermax.com/about/contact/

>1. I suck at responding: I get a lot of email and I don’t have a lot of time. Something has to give, and it’s usually my ability to respond. Please don’t take it personally if I don’t respond to you, I usually only answer about 10% of the mail I get. Most of your questions are probably already answered on the FAQ page, so start there.

>2. If you are a girl below the age of 18, DO NOT write me: Seriously, I am not into underage girls and I am definitely not into jail time.

>Knowing that, either fill out the form below, or contact me at [e-mail]

I think now you know what to do, /lit/. Let's send a great writer of our generation some fan fiction.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169090]

>>1169072
>uh tucker max bullies women
no he doesn't. he just gives them the best thing that it seems your gender is capable of giving a women. We don't want your passive-aggressive bullshit. He may be an "asshole" but at least that's more genuine & interesting than your huffy angsty crap. I hope you die alone with your shitty scfi + anime fan fics you dumb cancerous piece of shit.

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1169096]

>>1169085
Or we could do both.

[Anonymous No.1169098]

>>1169090

i'm female

[Anonymous No.1169099]

>>1169090

Forgot your pic.

[Crimson !CoijTZkBUc No.1169101]

The Secret. my ex made me to, i swear!

[oreo !!peQoYBwPn7U No.1169106]

>>1169090
>>1169090
>tybrax
>making fun of people for being passive-aggressive
hurhrurhggh

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169114]

>>1169098
well you're probably too fat, or geeky to get a frat boy then. makes me sick how you outcasts pretend you're the ones being genuine when you lie to yourself that "taste" is the most important thing about a person. you're just so butthurt about how ugly & fat you are so you spend all your time reading shitty escapist fantasy novels where your delusional shit is fact.

[oreo !!peQoYBwPn7U No.1169119]

>>1169114
>tybrax
>making fun of 'outcasts'
are you fucking kidding me

[Anonymous No.1169127]

>Tybrax
>Still on /lit/

[Anonymous No.1169133]

>>1169114

Why are you having such an extreme reaction to that story? Do you have a crush on Tucker Max? Do you really think that a story about Tucker Max getting assraped is somehow any less moral or more despicable than anything Tucker Max writes? Are you, in fact, Tucker Max?

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169136]

>>1169119
yes very funny. but i'd rather be that than to hang out with all you deluded cretins or getting drunk & fucking like mindless animals with the "cool" kids.

>>1169099
you jelly of attractive people brah?

[Anonymous No.1169140]

>>getting drunk & fucking like mindless animals with the "cool" kids

which is pretty much a summary of tucker max's "literary" career.

in which case, why on earth are you so involved in defending him and denouncing a joke at his expense? this just seems weird, or you're just starved for attention

[oreo !!peQoYBwPn7U No.1169141]

>>1169136
you just made fun of yourself retard

[Anonymous No.1169145]

I want to meet Ty :3

[Anonymous No.1169158]

I have /lit/ to thank for this one.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169161]

>>1169140
because you act as if you're all superior to him when in fact your passive-aggressiveness & angsty opinions are actually more pathetic. (that's why even geeky girls prefer nerds lardasses!)

>>1169141
how?

>>1169145
I desperately need irl friends now that i'm realizing how retarded you all are.

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169163]

>>1169161
*fratboys

[Anonymous No.1169171]

ITT: TyBrax gets militant

Damn, sister

[Anonymous No.1169176]

>>1169161

>I desperately need irl friends now that i'm realizing how retarded you all are.

>I'm not the loser, you all are!

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169177]

>>1169171
what a great argument. at least you tried while the rest of the nerd put on their reality filters (or possibly tripfag filters).

[Paisley !!4rIVJ09bRcG No.1169185]

>>1169161
Speaking of irl, I have not seen you on msn since you added me Ty, they offer to hang out still stands.

[Anonymous No.1169188]

>>1169014

>TB
>Lesbian

This day just got a whole lot better

[Anonymous No.1169191]

>>1169177

It wasn't an argument, more of an observation.

[Anonymous No.1169213]

>>1169177

>they jelly

Sure is /fa/ in here

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169216]

>>1169185
yeah i dont really go on much as i've said before. you online just now?

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169220]

>>1169213
why you hate /fa/? just because they get more pussy than you?

[Anonymous No.1169225]

>>1169114

Whoa whoa WHOA. Who ever said "taste" is the most important thing about a person around here?

I'm a full blown /lit/fag--plan to be a high school English teacher and everything--and I don't even secretly think that when I'm being an asshole. In fact, I'd think many fans of literature actively try to avoid coming off this way. The stereotype of the haughty, sycophantic English professor helplessly scrambling to appeal to the elite's tastes shows up in all kinds of books.

[Anonymous No.1169226]

>>1169220

>immature late-teens bitching about shitty gear and bullshit tripfag drama in every thread
>must be sex-related

lol Ty

[None !WvWWh.l.CE No.1169229]

>>1169226
you jelly you can't pull a chick as hot as blah?

or let me guess you posted photos there & everyone laughed at you. sorta like how the fratboys did too....

[Paisley !!4rIVJ09bRcG No.1169232]

>>1169216
Yeah I'm online now if you want to chat.

[Anonymous No.1169236]

>>1169229

>Blah
>Hot

10/10

[Anonymous No.1169241]

twilight

[Courage Wolf !penisASZp2 No.1169245]

>My face when Tybrax ruins this thread with his faggotry

Seriously guys, just block him.

[Anonymous No.1169267]

because sage